Thanks for posting here. I’m in my fifties and none the wiser for it ! We all have including me, taken the same journey. I relate to everything you’ve said and couldn’t stop, control myself or let go. I do online slots too which really got me addicted BIG time and for the past few months have been gambling more and more of my salary.
I also had a ‘boyfriend’ at my age (don’t like the term partner either) for 6 years who couldn’t work out why I had a good job but was always broke. Like you I had to come clean when he picked up on my emotional change, particularly when I lost and I needed his financial support.
I had to move out of my rented property twice to move in with him and eventually he had enough of me and told me to leave, knowing full well I had nowhere to go and would never tell my family, probably to let me know how serious he was and teach me a lesson cos he still tries to contact me. I confessed my addiction to my sister as this all happened when my sister and her husband visited to attend my graduation for my Master’s degree (managed to get that eventually ) to show him I will go this time and moved in with my sister. I’ve managed to move out only own again with new inspiration and determination but it went even worst this time.
In March I gambled ALL my salary AND bonus I received after getting up at 1am to check if it was in my bank and gambled it all away before the end of the month ! But when the torture, remorse, guilt and depression second to none subsided and was a distant memory, I took to it again in April with my salary and did the same AGAIN ! I cannot learn ! This vice has got the better of me and plays havoc with my mind with this demons whispering and tempting me with tantalising images and thoughts of the pretty illusions of winning ‘this time’ and ‘cashing out when I win’ etc…..been there, seen it, done it !
I’ve applied to check into GMA of residential treatment as I cannot help myself and need to get my brain washed out from gambling like you and was accepted. I go in 2 weeks time. I’ve been gamble free for 11 days only because I have no money to gamble. My biggest fear was payday this month when the real test came. I was convinced myself I was fine but like an idiot played the slots in ‘practice mode’ without real money the last few nights till 4 am ! How sick is that ?
I knew my head is not right but still would not shut the last door and go the route of self excluding. I’d made up my mind that I would pay my bills as soon as my salary came in to play it safe. The community kept asking me what I was doing to put barriers in place to secure my salary but I felt that my decision to pay my bills immediately would work. I would never give someone else the control of my finances.
But tomorrow is payday. I did a posting on my journal and received a post from Vera asking why I don’t just self exclude when I’m broke before my salary hits the bank. Vera related how she had self excluded for LIFE ! But the telling message from her post that hit me between the eyes was this :
“You KNOW you will never withdraw money no matter how many wins you get.
You KNOW you will never really win because you are a CG.
You KNOW it’s all a hoax.
So why waste another minute of your precious time torturing yourself and throwing away your hard earned money!
It’s all one big illusion.
Every word I write to you, I also address to myself.
We have given the fatcats ENOUGH!”
It suddenly became a revelation to me. I’ll never get me money back even though I felt they owed it to me and I had to chase my losses. The only WIN I’ll have is by NOT gambling. I was under the gambling spell and needed to breakout and become me and again and learn to actually like myself again.
I immediately without thinking for the thought to pass, went online and self excluded for LIFE early hours of this morning. I cannot tell you the relief, the weight of my shoulders ! I even dreamt which I haven’t done since gambling and feel set free. It is a liberating feeling where you feel YOU are back in control. I’m not recovered by a long shot but I know my head is in the right place and I am going into GMA with the right focus to turn my life around for good and not suffer and be a loser in more ways than one ( not just money, personality, social life etc) for the next decade and the rest of my life !
I would strongly urge you to just shut down that last avenue and backdoor. It will change your life and get you somewhere this month. There is no other way Andrea. We have to admit defeat to truly win our lives and money back.
Be strong, keep posting even when you fail. The community is wonderful with their love and support on here to eventually help us to get to a place to help ourselves.