[applefarm]

Hi,
I am addicted to casino, both machines and also tables. I decided to create account into this forum here, maybe something helpful can be found from here.
At age 21 i got new friends who visited casinos a lot. With them i 1st time visited casino too. At age 21-22 i just went along to casino with them and drank beer and had fun, i didn’t play there, i watched friends playing.
At age 23 i started somehow to play too with them. Then i entered casino alone once. I started to feel adrenaline and exitment playing casino machines, i started to visit casino alone. At ages 24-29 i played all my salaries in casinos with 1 day. I usually got salary and payed 1stly all taxes/rents and bought lot of food, immediately when i got salary each month. I managed well to make such payment fastly. Then i entered casino and played all money to zero. At ages 28-29 i mostly played roulette table in casino, and drank lot of alcohol, i was always drunk and laughing and excited when playing. When waking up next day i felt terrible hangover, but depression and guilt feeling about last casino night was much worse. But i didn’t have idea to kill myself or something yet. The next 4 weeks till payday i oftenly promised to quit casino, sometimes i promised that after big win next month i quit, often i promised to just not enter casino on payday. Still i entered casino on every salary. I usually didn’t win at all. I don’t have relatives (no mother, no father, nobody, and no wife, no kids, and no friends). I remember at age 24 i got to fight with those casino friends, and i didn’t met them next years anymore. I have bad communication skills, therefore i don’t have friends usually, and therefore fights are common for me. At age 29 i felt i took very high interest rate loans and played them all to zero in casino.
I lost job at age 29, i got full month pay and for not used vacation time compensation, i played it all in casino immediately with one night. That created very very strong depression, because it was very big sum and i had no job. I moved to live into very cheap appartement and got new job with very low salary, and i started to pay those loans i have taken. At age 29 i finally went to instituiton were i put ban for me for casinos for next 3 years. In our high-tech country everything is so advanced and digitalized that putting such ban didn’t let me to any casino anymore, my ID card was banned in databases, also i tried web poker, i couldn’t register anymore there too. So thanks to the high tech country i live, i couldn’t play casino games at age 29-32. Today, being 32 years old, my ca 3 years ago put ban will end on 2013 summer, and i will be allowed again to enter casino, basically after 6 month from today i can enter casino again.
During last 2.5 years of not touching casinos i have payed mostly all my loans, i owe today only loan sum which is less than my 2 whole salaries. So i will close this last loan after 2-3 months. Meanwhile i have bought some things i like (laptop, sport equipment), so i feel economically quit okay, also i have visited cultural events, met girlfriends for some time. But still depression has been high on age 29-32, i had ideas of killing myself a couple of times. Frustrating has been that i do hard work and pay all the money to loans that i spent with minutes in casino. Often i think that it is not humane to pay so high price for my mistakes i made, thinking this way feeds my ego. I also have been thinking that it’s not fair that i have to be alone in the world, thinking this way also feeds my ego. There were time when i thought to create a bomb and walk into the high interest rate loans companies and blow the bomb with myself there, thinking this way somehow fed the ego and depression. Today i feel the depression is starting to go away. I have plams and i have hobbies and i don’t want to kill myself or anybody else.
But i play now for free in internet poker and casino slots, i enjoy those. But without money i don’t feel adrenaline much, but still i feel some adrenaline, little bit exiting still. On previous week i watched from Youtube videos about people playing the same casino video games that i used to play years ago with my salary. I felt adrenaline when seeing that.
I’m not sure what to do after 6 months- should i put another 3 years of ban to myself or not?
I already had some weeks ago typical plans/thoughts:
1) maybe to go to casino after 6 month only 1 time and try to play big, and get ca 50% profit and leave casino and next day put 3 years ban again?
2) maybe to try to go with only minimal cash to casino, let’s say 100 euros, and try to educate myself to handle adrenaline this way on each weekend?
3) maybe to start on internet real money poker, i never played real money poker in internet, maybe that won’t lead to addiction.
4) maybe to go to hypnotherapist to remove the need for winning feeling.
I’m not sure what to do after 6 month, i will decide it soon. Maybe i can live like normal person without needing a ban. Funny for me is that ca 3 years have past, and i still want to feel winning. I have lot of playing strategies still i want to try, but i don’t want anymore the life i had for years. So there is a conflict: i like gambling, but i don’t want the result that gambling creates.
🙂

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