A great post Vera -you show great strength of character and stamina. The biggest lesson I learned on the residential is to have compassion for myself – for that person inside who wants to do the right thing , who never chose this addiction but who carries the pain , shame and stress it has caused.

An exercise I found really helpful was writing a compassionate letter to myself – it had to be kind and it had to be gentle. When I read it aloud some time later I realised it was the first time I had ever shown myself compassion, kindness or gentleness.

You will beat this Vera. Do all the things that worked for you before and then maybe add a few extra. A good extra I have added is to order a new bank card and get someone else to open the envelope and scratch off last three numbers before I had a chance to see it .

Keep strong. You have got this!

I know that was not an easy post to write. I have been in the “I will never gamble again” situation so many times – each time wondering how can I do without my prop.

You are now taking back your life – life as a non-gambler which can be challenging but at least the roller-coaster of emotions and the financial trouble that gambling causes will not add to any difficulties you might face.

Get as much support for yourself as you can. Use this site and others – see if counselling is a possibility for you. As i-did-it says, do all the things that worked for you and more. You are worth it.

You are so strong for writing this post. I really feel your pain in it yet I really feel your determination as well, and I believe that out weighs the pain. I think you have had enough and you will have a gamble free 2020. I just want to say thank you for being with me through my journey, always giving me support and motivation, always putting others before yourself, you are a class act and a very selfless person, and that is hard to come by these days. I’m praying for you through this hard time, and I’m praying for you to conquer and beat this demon once and for all, you truly deserve it. I remember so many times I would pray on my way to the casino, “please dear god let me win my losses back and I promise I’ll stop forever” unfortunately it never Happened. However I did pray for god to help me accept the things that I cannot change (my losses) and I did pray for the strength to live a gamble free life. There is a life outside of gambling and we have both experienced it, we know what it feels like.. it’s wonderful. Take care Vera , you have helped me and others on here more than you will ever know.
Have a great Christmas and a happy New Years.

So good to hear from you and thank you for the post on my thread. I only post once a week or so or when I have the desire to. I used to pray a lot for a win and for God to get me out of trouble when gambling. It was almost like a test. I think it was you who said it was misplaced faith. And It is. nuff said.
As you know gambling really affected my health which athough much better, I am still grappling with. I don’t know why our health spirals downwards, or maybe I do, but I think gambling addiction takes everything from us, like cancer.
You can do this and I know you will. Gambling really sucks.

Hi Vera, I am so glad to read that you are walking out of a 6 months gambling experience. I had a 1 month similar experience in November – I did not lose my money this time which is rare but I have lost myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally. It was not a nice space to live in now and taking a lot of effort for me to return life back to normal. Taking one day at a time and marching forward one baby step at a time. Wishing you a happy holiday season ahead!

Hi Vera,
You have great energy – I wouldn’t know when I did a huge house clean last.
I am so pleased you are back and I hope you enjoy the show .
Xx

Vera your post sounds very optimistic. I know you can do it since you have done it before.

 Amen

Hi Vera
Sorry to read this .

Hope u are ok

Xx

Hi Vera,

Thank you for your honest sharing.

I hope that you are alright and could stop the gambling before it turn into “gambling against your will”.

No one can guarantee that they will never make a mistake. There will be slips here and there in life but the most important thing is to pick ourselves up whenever we fall,  and carry on with the journey.

We are here to seek progress in recovery, not perfection.

We are here to support one another in good times and bad times.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, we can only focus on today. We only need to stop gambling today.

Thank you for all your wise words and encouragements. They made a difference.

 I really appreciate your presence here with us.

I am thankful that you came on the chat and you revealed your honesty. You are making that step to start fresh. Yes I have relapse, been in your shoes, many times where i lost money at the bar and casinos. August 2019  I Took out loans to cover my expense but went with that same loan money to the casino and lost it.  I know now and I am being aware of my thoughts and what words are said about myself. Now i have rediscover myself. Yes i am being more positive about kickiing this addiction out of this world into another galaxy. forming a new addiction which my self worth and recovery. Addicted to saving my money and see a better future for my son and family. I have cause too much damage to my family finances. Yes i am gonna start being honest to my wife. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 

Hi Vera,
Please kindly update wellbeing.

Hello vera 

Thank you for updating. You are gonna be free from it and you will be living your best life now. Continue on your pathway of self worth. Do enjoy your day. Have wonderful moments always with a positive outlook.

Hi Vera,
I was glad to read your post on other thread. It is good to know that you have the drive and motivation to express your thought, feeling and emotion here. Soon everything will fall into place and return to normal.

You can do It! We must accept what we can’t change. You know what to do to stay gamble free! I hope that you have a great Christmas. Be kind to yourself. I know that’s a hard one for me to do. Take care of yourself.

Hi Vera
Great post .
I hope you have a really great Christmas.
Xx

Yes i agree once your mind is distracted gambling is a stranger in the mind. So keep on focusing on your positive outlook of life. U are doing pretty good thus far. You are an amazing person. Do have an awesome xmas. Stay connected. Be strong each moment you are doing well.

Thank for your post on my thread Vera.
I so agree with your dream analysis – that’s another thing thing we have in common – people always ask me to interpret their dreams!
I think the dream was motivated (is that the correct word ?) by my impending Christmas visit to my family. You know it’s always really difficult for me to resist the urge to go gambling with them and they make it even more difficult.

You also Have flicked the switch and I hope that you are looking forward to a gamble free Christmas x

And a happy gf 2020.

Hi vera we are here to support encourage guide and most importantly uplift you in times when things are you know… thank you for that wonderful greeting.

Many thanks to you too my friend.

you are an amazing person and part of this community and knowing you helped myself and many many others is commended. 2020 will be gamble free for us, I already know that.

wishing You a merry Christmas, and happy g free New Years. I hope you spend some quality time with your loved ones. This is a time of year I like to have a lot of gratitude… a lot of people less fortunate out there with nobody around them at Christmas. I don’t have many people in my life right now except for my family and well, all of you amazing people here that I consider my second family.

god bless you Vera 

Vera ,
Thank you for your post on my thread.
Will you be in the ten o clock group?
See you there
Xx

Vera
A huge part of recovery is letting go of the past so you are well on your way. Your friends on here will support you all the way and delight in your success.
Onwards and upwards Vera !

Vera I am rushing out to work but I just wanted to let you know that I read this and am delighted to see you back here – recovery is within the reach of every one of us and we all deserve it including you.

Hope I see you in group later xx

Good to have you back here. And yes, your words are read, mine often aren’t! I have been wondering what u were up to but as we know, absence from here for a while generally means one thing.
How long were you gf for? The old advice of we must tune into support still stands. I still read every day even if I dont post or go to groups as much. Hope to catch u in group.
And no, your life doesn’t have to be like that. But we have to want it even more than we want to gamble. And it is progressive, each lapse worse than the last. But I don’t need to tell u any of that cos u already know. Have you looked at your triggers Vera?

Hi Vera, you stopped before and you can stop again.

On another thread you have written:

“As from today I say we are defenseless without God’s Help.

Without Him, I can do nothing.”

Sorry but that is a cop out. If there is a God then he gave us choice. You are not powerless. You can choose to get back to the things that worked for you before. We are responsible for our own actions when we are gambling – we should also take responsibility for our recovery.

Again, if there is a God, he is sending you a very personal message every time you lose your money. Don’t ignore him/her.

Hi Vera
Thank you for posting on my thread.
I recognise everything you describe in your post.
Being stuck in the cycle is horrible and that feeling that the cycle has become permanent for us is soul destroying.

Of course the cycle is not permanent for any of us – it ends when we choose. We choose to end it by taking the really uncomfortable actions – and those actions are probably different for each of us.

For some of us a visit to GA is a turning point where we bare our soul to a roomful of strangers.
For others telling a partner how we have messed up and losing/ giving up control of our finances is a huge step.
Some people, like me, need really intensive support with long term counselling to change those faulty brain connections which have built up over a life time .

You too will have that action which will turn things around – it is probably the action which the addiction tries to convince you most is not for you.

You know you can stop Vera – you have done it before.
You know there is a way forward for you .
Remember our old friend P on here who always said – “whatever you have tried in the past- add something new in”.

You have a community of people on here, many of whom you have hugely helped in the past . We are here for you now.
You are ready for recovery – Grab it with both hands and never look back .xx

Just hang in there Vera !

Every minute makes a difference
Xx

Hi Vera,

what a nightmare those emotions you are feeling are and the way in which you described them was very raw and real.

I have read to date all you posts ( on other peoples postings too)

the power is within us to start or stop . What I know is the more you feed the addiction the stronger it gets and dominates us. I have not gambled since I last stopped and have continued to come here to read

havd faith in yourself and please do care. There are so many people that care about you and really wish you well. gambling is destructive and ruins everything in its path. It will cloud your judgement and damage your self esteem.

you seem like a lovely person and deserve better. Every single person here deserves a life free of gambling. 

please do keep writing and sharing. 

I took some time now to read your journal and I must write that you got pretty close friends on this forum who are pouring words of encouragement and support.
Wow I am thankful for this it’s a wonderful feeling to share positive thoughts with others who are going to win back their life their health and family.
Vera you are going to start each moment each day with a renew mindset that allows you to only focus on the moment now where you observe your thoughts and what you are allowing yourself to do say or respond.
I am Rooting for you as well you are going to start living your best life now. Congrats on making the best decision at this moment moving forward.
Be positive

Thank you for your post on my thread Vera.
I sense something new in you – I’m not sure I can quite name it, but perhaps an understanding that we all deserve a little compassion from ourselves and from others.

Let go of the people who are an effort, who blow hot and cold, who let you or put you down.

We deserve peace and the best life we can live for as long as we are here x.

Hello Vera,

Thank you for your message on my thread. Ahhh the “C” word on everyone’s mind and plastered all over the TV and social media. It is worrying and fortunately last night my boss text me to tell me to stay home for the next few weeks until further notice. 

After Boris J’s speech yesterday about pregnant women, accompanied by a lack of clear direction as to what to do to protect these women, I was left feeling quite fearful about my situation. My baby keeps me going and appreciative of each day right now. She is doing well, thank you for remembering her. 

I appreciate how you keep fighting the fight against G and how much time and updates you give to all the members on this platform. That moment of my erratic emotions following wins and losses in a short space of time is terrifying and a reminder for me of how bad things can get. How out of character gambling makes me. How bleak and dark the aftermath of gambling and losses is.

I recently deposited money into hubby’s account and tried depositing it to a casino online. He found out (fortunately) and stopped the transaction. I am certain I would have lost all 3k of that money. this is a relapse and it has happened after my last bet last year summertime.

I am a compulsive gambler and I have no control over gambling. I have learnt that I have to stay vigilant all the time no matter how much GF time I have under my belt.

I am hopeful that we can make the right choices and stay GF. Gambling never brings anything positive to our lives Vera, it only takes and takes. 

Please keep writing and sharing. We are all on the other end listening and rooting for you.

“Stop the self-destructive behavior” one day at a time. It is always the same every time, that is all we can do and after a while, they all add up and life become more manageable again.
I am just glad to see you posting. I have faith in you.

Hi Vera
There is a strength in your post and I know you will not be tempted. Email the casino involved and tell them you want a permanent ban – they have to comply I think.

I think Ireland has had a great response to this crisis unlike the U.K. government who seems to have been promoting some type of hers immunity – which I think could otherwise be described as a cull !

Yes if your husband really understood the addiction the three months would be a great opportunity to get on your feet – however in the circumstances you are making the right decision. Could you skip the bank payment and make extra payments elsewhere ?

You are doing well Vera – just keep doing everything that you are doing . Little by little things will improve – you have so many good things to look forward to.

To be strong and stay strong at this time. You got this I appreciate your positive response in this fight to keep on living a great life.
You got this you have before and you are going to keep on the path of self recovery and healing.
Stay focused
Be safe
Thank you for your positive progress

I love this post Vera!
You are forward planning and staying steps ahead of the addiction. It probably really annoyed right now !

Well done xx

Vera ,
When did u last take the money and run- and I don’t mean for a little time ?
Shut down those cards before your exclusion is up.
I am the queen of tiny doors open .
I know how the addiction manipulates us.

I am also the person who learned the very hard way – you are more intelligent than that.

You have got by with no money before .
Throw those cards in the fire tonight.
You would cope if ur bag was snatched.
You will get by without those card for a few days .
It will it you to pay interest even if u miss a payment!
Get real!

And shut down those accounts forever !

Hi Vera, you could give all funds to your husband, you could report your credit/debt cards lost the day before so that they are frozen. New ones will have new security numbers on, you could ask your husband or someone else to scratch those off for you before you see them. The blocking software that others have mentioned is another option as well.

There are lots of things you can do to keep yourself safe. Now all you have to do is choose to do them.

Stay safe, in every sense of the word.

Hi Vera,
I saw your statement about doubling and running.
That reminded me of a quote that i once saw ( ironically I saw it in an online casino)

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.”

It helps me whenever I have those toughts.

what are u up to Vera? Miss you on here.

Well done Vera
It’s great to have you back !
About the card – I decided I didn’t need help when I ordered my new card and like you my addicted brain instantly logged the number. Next time hubby opened the envelope and scratched it. A few things we need help with!

Glad you got your car sorted. My huge body and worn out looking face would indicate that I actually wasn’t unscathed! Lol!

Keep strong Vera
Get that stupid blocker – takes a few minutes and keeps you safe for years ! Well safer !

Yes I agree with all you have said Vera!
My virus was a particularly virulent strain.
It was resistant to many treatments but eventually I found one that would make it dormant !

I am so happy you are getting a break from it all- you deserve it Vera ! You know best what works for you.
My mental barriers need a lot of reinforcement! Lol!

Keep safe x

But I expect you know what I am going to say! At some point in my recovery – I think when I was going to GA again and again with another story of relapse, I was told I was acting like the gambling equivalent of a “dry-drunk.” I didn’t know what it meant at the time … but looking back I can see that even when I was not physically gambling – it still filled my thoughts. I was still scheming ways in which I could “keep my hand in.”

I remember one time I thought I could get my fix by just watching other people playing. I think that lasted maybe 2 or 3 days. Inevitably someone left the machine after a run of bad luck and my thought was “it’s bound to pay-out soon” so off I trot to the ATM and … well you can guess the rest.

There wasn’t one answer for me. It was a combination of keeping myself busy, trying to work out what was going on for me (through counselling and self-help groups) and remembering that I was “in recovery” – so that even thinking about gambling was a no-no. I became someone who is in recovery – and thought that person does not try and hone skills, (are there any skills in playing slots?) I knew that the person in recovery does not visit gambling places for any reason, so instead I put my focus firmly on things I needed to do to get myself well again.

Listen to the part of the brain that wants an end to all this suffering you are going through. Do what is healing and what will take you away from this madness. Keep to your recovery strategy and stay well.

Hi Vera
That’s a very honest post.
The addicted part of our brain has told me a million times that I could play a little and withdraw my winnings- if I did manage to get my balance up a bit then it told me I am on a winning streak and I continued.
On the rare occasion (not in recent years even once) when I have managed to withdraw, the addiction in my brain has told me I can do it again.
We all know where this ends – with me in dire straights obsessing about getting enough money to survive – and even when I do I’m tempted to win back.

You know the drill Vera – you have been through the cycle too often.
Come to the groups tonight and let’s talk all this through.

Could you do me a small favour?
Could you outline how your finances might be for the next month or even year if you don’t gamble.
This could be the basis of a new plan for you.

You need to get a PLAN into place! A Plan works for you – it gives you structure and a goal.

By the way no one ever grows weary of you.
You have been on this site for a long time and many rush to answer you when you post and if good wishes and goodwill made a recovery, you would never be out of it.

Keep strong – make the wise decision-send a message to that hateful addiction that you have seen through it and time of destroying your life is over – gambling addiction is the most toxic friend you will ever have – always coaxing you to do things – pretending it will help you . We all know how deceptive it is!

Keep strong and well done on your six weeks Vera xx

…or you could someone you trust your log in details and get them to self exclude u permanently!

I will borrow a laptop and do it for u!

Or you could ask your husband to sit next to you when you log in and ban yourself. 🙂 What happens on the 22nd largely depends on what you choose to do or not do now.

Gambling is a choice, so is recovery.

Alternatively connect to the Helpline. Ask to speak to one of the advisors who isn’t themselves a compulsive gambler. Then you can give them the site details you want to ban from , they can then google/find you the email address you need to do so. Simples.

You haven’t asked ! I offered !

just keep safe Vera !

Then look at what you CAN do Vera. Your husband, the helpline

P- Pause and think
L- Lock-down access to gambling
A- Act to stay safe
N-No regrets

A new plan for you Vera !

How about not logging in at all on that date

Your plan of :

‘The non gambler in me is planning to give my lap top to somebody overnight on that date. Go to the ATM the next morning. Remove all available cash.‘

Make that decision Vera and stick to it. It’s when you look at option C or D that the complications arise

I don’t go to land based casinos (pre lockdown) so have that cash in my hand would deter me from G

Good luck

Vera you will be the one in pain and suffering if you gamble.
Removing the laptop for one night has never worked in past.
Put a gambling blocker on your laptop and be done with it .
I can’t bear to think of you losing your few quid and suffering the pain after .
Take a long term approach – you are an incredibly intelligent woman – make a good decision.
No more half closed doors. No more slight gaps.
Close it all down !

So, let me get this straight. All the options to permanently exclude that you have and your ‘plan’ is to remove your laptop for one night? To then have this dilemma every month? And to justify that you are mis using quotes from GA and Ts and Cs here?
You had 27 months of success Vera, you are currently choosing the same actions you were choosing in the 10 not so successful years prior to that.

Today’s the day Vera!
Make a smart choice.
You know what needs to be done.

I am still happy to log in and shut down that account.
Problem is we never really want to stop gambling so we convince ourselves we are taking action, when all we are doing is putting gambling off for a short while.

During this time because we know it is still available, we are tortured with urges until they become unbearable.

You can do what many others have done and get a gambling blocker for your computer.

I don’t want to stop gambling – my addicted mind adores gambling. The non-addicted part of my mind wants a happy life where my money is spent on me and my family – not on some millionaire who can have £1000 bottles of champagne while I search for the cheapest orange juice in the bargain shops.

You say it’s all about mindset- I agree .
You are either in the mindset to take every action you can to stop or you are in the mindset to leave doors open.

I hope you are in the mindset to stop!

Hi Vera,

Your kind words really uplifted me and I felt the exact sentiments for you Vera. You deserve so much better. We all do.

You have a blessed life and only you can make it better by stopping G properly.

Get rid of the choice of either gambling or not. Keep barriers in place to prevent you from G (lose access to that money) withdraw your pay. Do whatever it takes to make your life better and bring back the peace of mind you once enjoyed.

Life is hard enough and with the current circumstances with the world economy, you really need your salary for worthwhile things.

Please give us some news on how you are doing.

Hope all is good with you Vera.

Vera,

so nice to hear from you. Well done on steering clear from G. You already decided from you previous post (before payday) that you would not gamble and so you didnt.

I gave birth to a beautiful girl on at the end of May. Busy now with 2 babies and gambling has no place in my head or house. She remains nameless as I have too many name choices!

I woke up in the morning and waters broke within 10 mins. Went straight to hospital and delivered within the hour. Delivered on gas and god given air! 

There I was booking myself in for an elective C section for fear of a traumatic delivery (experienced by me from my no1) but nature showed me it had other plans for me.

so grateful 

have a lovely day Vera 🙂

Kin ty for sharing this. Made me stop and think for a bit 🙂

Not sure why I am posting here. Doesn’t look like you are too active anymore. I read posts here and there but that’s about it. I just wanted to say, I think of you often and wonder how you are. As for me, same old same.

Hi Vera

I’m here with honey, (the vinegar is locked away) and hoping that you update soon.

There is little point in me banging away with the same messages to you, I believe you know me well enough to know that I post to you because I care. I want, whatever method you use to beat your gambling mind into submission, to work – so that I can keep hearing that you are doing, not just fine but brilliantly. Selfish I know but honest.

As Ever

Velvet