[vera]

It’s 3 and a half hours to midnight in my part of the world.

A New Year will start on Wednesday January 1st.

My “New Year” started on December 27th when I told Charles in a Group that I would not gamble again before the end of 2018.

I didn’t.

Tonight, I got a “Happy New Year” text from an unknown number. I thought it could be an ex work colleague. I sent a polite reply. It turns out it was a member from GA who aked “Are you ok. Would you like a call”

My response was “I’m not really ok but don’t call me. I will see you in GA next week”.

Over and out.

[jen3]

This is Great!! A New Year starts Tuesday Jan 1st in my neck of the woods. (tomorrow not Wendsday). Like you my New Year started Dec 29th. Let’s do this!

[i-did-it]

Vera
you will have a gamble free 2019.
It speaks volumes that other GA members are missing you and checking in on you. You are as big an asset to GA as you are to us on here.

I hope you have a really terrific year xx

[kin]

Hi Vera,
Wishing you a peaceful, joyful and successful recovery in 2019

[jen3]

Nice chatting with you and IDI…. Eventhough I would not wish this addiction on my worst enemy I am soooo glad I am not alone. I agree…. I wish my significant other would have refused to help me over the years…. He does not anymore BUT things might have been different if he would of put his foot down years ago. Oh Well, what’s done is done.

[vera]

Enablers, like CGs have problems…we were cut off mid conversation, Jen “What is said in the Group stays in the Group” so I won’t elaborate here. I just ask myself as a CG and also as an enabler (I fit into both categories)”What is in it for an enabler?” We know what is in it for a CG…thrills and deadly hangovers, grief and misery.

I’m kissing all that goodbye this year.

A “borrower” who I enabled in the past is “getting the message” from my recent refusals.

Why do I attract people like that. Why do I give loans?

My plan for the New Year is to stop lending. Stop borrowing. Life is much more simple when we pay our way weekly/monthly. Live within our means. Avoid getting caught up in “high finance”. In other words

KEEP IT SIMPLE!

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera
I guess it is that thing in us that makes us want to please people – for example most of us when we think about great wins , we think about what we will get for other people, not ourselves.

I think there is something in many of that makes us feel that we are of less value than others- that they are more deserving of our money and nice things . Example – I bought Christmas complete outfits for those closest to me in M and S – I bought myself a top in Asda!

How much of our money do we spend on beautiful things for us – we tell ourselves we don’t need them, they don’t interest us while we buy lovely things for others – because they need them? Because they are interested in them?

I think maybe it is similar with lending others money on a regular basis. Some where deep inside us we maybe feel they deserve our money more or it makes us feel good to please them. I guess it is also because we don’t really value money In the way others do.

Whatever our motivation it is good that you have said no and that you have closed the door on this part of your life- you have said that handling all that cash has often been a trigger for gambling urges.

Well done Vera – 2019 will be fantastic !

[vera]

Thanks IDI! Strange thing is that “friend” never contacted me since and she normally sends at least 2 texts every day.
End of an era, perhaps!
I was very disappointed that I couldn’t stick with my plan to go to GA on Thursday night.
Too ill. Still coughing a lot but less weak now. Walked up and down outside for ten minutes this evening.
Instead of attending GA I drew my husband into a discussion about saving /spending/gambling.
I told him I had wasted far too much money and time in casinos last year and to avoid that happening in 2019, I will be lodging spare money every month into HIS account which only he can withdraw from. His P.O. book is in my care!
He thinks that is a great idea!

[jen3]

Sorry we were cut off in chat. Hoping your ok and we catch up soon. Take care. Feel better!

[Nick]

Hi Vera thanks for your message on my journal, i have just stoppped drinking after a 5 day bender trying to blot everything out. It just gets so frustrating sometimes. I’m trying again to give up.

[Nick]

Hi Vera thanks for your message on my journal, the alcohol just makes everything worse thats why i’m cutting right back on it.

[vera]

I spent the last couple of days online to see if I’m entitled to a Tax Rebate. I had to switch to another laptop to read it in PDF (I’m a total dude with technology but I am VERY persistent)
I was THRILLED to see I am getting back tax !
A small 4 figure sum! (the first figure is only “1” but I’ really am delighted)
I called hubby and showed him the exact figures and told him my plans for the money when I get it.
ACCOUNTABILITY!
If I were gambling that would be a secret of course!
Also, it’s my birthday today so a nice gift from God/The Revenue or whoever wants to take the credit.

[BEEM]

Great news and good luck hopefully you will do something constructive with the money and maybe even buy yourself something nice to reward yourself for not gambling

[i-did-it]

happy belated birthday Vera.
That’s really great news .
God seems to have forgotten me when it comes to gifts of extra money !
You could take a nice holiday !

[vera]

Thanks, IDI.
I have always noticed that when I made a genuine attempt to stop gambling, a bonus comes from somewhere.
Money is not my priority but there are a few bill due that I can help hubby with. I told him all about it which would be the very last thing I would do if I wanted to gamble.
I just wish everyone would get a tax rebate. I believe the revenue has a stack of unclaimed money .
My “children” are coming tomorrow. At least I hope they don’t do a no show again I spent hours baking and cooking.
PS. God always refused my pleas when He know I was likely to gamble.
Maybe you should try the Tax Man. Do you submit a P12 Form in your part of the world?
I’m checking my bank account every hour. It will be next week before it arrives.
An exercise in patience!

[vera]

My youngest son has been here since Sunday…He was in reasonably good form on arrival but is slowly reverting back to his old ways. Playing his father off against me. Eating all night and sleeping all day. Mood very unpredictable. Swinging from hysterical laughter to threatening language. Using the dog as a scapegoat. Taking over my husband’s phone to make calls and send messages and most likely reading his private texts, and jumping, jumping, jumping!
In other words classical bully behaviour
Divide and conquer.
No mention of work. I didn’t ask because he has a history of losing jobs.If I say anything it will be my fault.So I’m keeping my distance.
In the past, I used to escape to the casino from that nonsense. My husband is, as usual, singing dumb. He has allowed my son to verbally abuse me for years during his visits home which up to last Sunday, have become scarce. I think he is scared stiff of his son, which has also in the past been an excuse for me to gamble.
Knowing all I know, today, for me there is no such thing as a “trigger”.
When a CG who has been given recovery tools, gambles, it is because he/she wants an excuse to do so.
I went shopping to “escape”. Back now, with a shepherd’s pie cooking in the oven. My son had all the veg ready and the kitchen sparkling clean. He has too extremes (a bit like me!) All or nothing……He also had rummaged through drawers and wardrobes in my absence which is another of his behaviours that I find hard to tolerate.
A conversation started up which has now escalated into a verbal battle.. His girlfriend phoned him. After the call I could see that his mood had changed. I asked a few questions, just to show an interest and immediately he flew into a rage accusing me of judging her and calling me all the names under the sun. He then demanded to know what I did with his laptop??? Hello!!! I bought it as a Christmas present for him 4 years ago and have never seen it since. He hasn’t lived here since he was 17. Constantly on the move . I mentioned that he may have left it in the last flat he lived in. He went ballistic. He insists I sold it or hid it?
I’m trying to keep a cool head now, because if someone starts a row, I usually am the one to finish it and end up with a splitting headache as a result so I’m putting “pen to paper” instead…..
I have decided I will not allow my son’s behaviour drag me down ever again.
I could cheerfully STRANGLE my weak , cowardly husband for keeping silent………..
After we eat, I intend going for a long drive and a walk in a lit up area . The country roads here are lethal after dark.
My tax rebate is in my bank account so when I go out I will go without an ATM card.
Not that it would make any difference because I have no intention of using gambling as a method of coping with the dysfunctional behaviour of others.
OVER AND OUT!

[Monica1]

I hoped there was a 10 pm group tonight to chat but not staying up for 11 pm.
Bullying and intimidating, manipulative and sometimes violent men, an issue for me a lot in my life. Not any more. Have you ever set boundaries with your son about what you will tolerate and what you wont? I do this sometimes now in a non angry and non confrontational way when faced with manipulative, anger or men who transfer their issues onto us. It is all about power and control energy snatching with men who do what I call dump their stuff onto another. I would not rely on a partner to do that although it would help if your husband had the gumption to say something. He either doesn’t want to confront it or enables it for his own agenda. Just some thoughtscand insights from the outside looking in. I am glad you are not letting it drive you to the casino. I sense your grit And determination vera.

[vera]

Thank you for your interesting input , Monica. If my son’s father had supported me from day one, my son would not have these tantrums. He (my son)and I are actually very alike. Controlling. We clash. The biggest objection I have is that my husband allows him to swear and roar at me and never once has he intervened. It is a mixture of fear and cowardice. It was the same when I gambled. It suited my husband to be the victim. In the same way as it suits him to enable his son to voice the things he never had the guts to say himself. I won’t bore you with the details.Suffice to say I didn’t or won’t gamble . It throws them off completely when I don’t react as expected. I went for a 4 mile walk. My son opted to come with me. He interrogated me about different family “issues”. He gleans information and throws it back in a distorted way at inappropriate times, just as his father trained him to do , growing up.

As you can guess, I am VERY angry.

Gambling would be the very worst remedy for any of this mess.

I am also very difficult to live with.

[jen3]

Vera! It’s a good thing we don’t live together. I too am very difficult to live with. We might kill each other. No way in hell would I ever want to live with me. 🙂

[velvet]

Dear Vera
I was really touched by your message, thank you.
Stupid thing to do. I caught my foot in the cable when I was charging my tablet, splat I went down and crack went the hip. Easily done but it should not have happened. All cables will be well off the ground in future. It’s a painful recovery but I can’t do any more than take one day at a time – now where have I heard that before?
Anyway, thanks again, your words were really appreciated.
Velvet

[vera]

Thanks for your post, Velvet. When my husband brought me breakfast in bed today (I won’t say at what time!), I noticed he has hobbling more than usual. He said he “twisted his hip lifting a ladder”. That could mean he fell off a ladder. He plays everything down. I was watching closely for signs of a fracture. I have seen patients getting up and walking immediately after a hip fracture….Fingers crossed it’s only a “twist”. He is bearing weight, using a cane. Makes me feel very OLD to look at him! Anyway, I went to GA tonight. Left home at 4pm to figure out where the venue is in daylight. I had seen it on the GA map but I’m useless at following maps. All my landmarks are in the form of casinos. Long story short, the GA room turned out to be very near the town I last gambled in. On a very back dangerous road about 2 miles outside the town. After I found it I had 3 hours to spare. I drove to the town and actually parked my car in the car park where the casino is. (It’s a shopping unit)It is the safest/cheapest place to park. I walked past the “den” to go to the post office. The thought did occur to me that I could “pick up a few quick bucks”so I just gave them the bird and said a few prayers and decided to have my hair done so that i didn’t look too witch-like going to the meeting. They refused to let me in- too near closing time so instead of taking that as a “sign” that I should gamble, I walked to a place that was open late. The woman at the desk was saying “sorry we are booked up” when I somehow caught the eye of one of the hairdressers and she said “I’ll do it, I can work on and take the time back some other day” (The manipulative/hypnotic look of a CG sucked her in ?!) Before they knew it, I was over at the sink with my head held back. I then went to Mc Donalds to kill time, then to Tesco to buy a bit of make up to add to the camouflage , daubed it on in the car, drove to the venue and breezed in nonchalantly as if I had never missed a meeting. What I thought would be difficult, turned out to be easy. Two of the men approached me at the carpark and gave me a great welcome. The room was full by 8pm Some VERY young guys, some middle aged and a couple as old as me. We all had one thing in common-All CGs!! I look forward to going back next Thursday. Might go to a “sister” venue next Tuesday, where , one guy told me they are doing The Steps. Until then, I will do my own (baby) steps..one day at a time.

[Jezi]

Hey vera! Im glad you went to the meeting 🙂 I went to my first a week ago. We do not have sister venues where i live but im sure that will be great if you go.

You are doing good, stay strong

[vera]

Thanks for your post, Jezi.
Will you go back to GA when you return from your trip?
“Sister” venue is my way of describing groups that have similarities . For example, I notice in some GA groups there is a core of people with similar interests and they tend to meet up together outside GA . This can make members (me for one) feel a bit like an outsider. Other Groups stick more to the GA principles , which I think makes for a more inclusive, open minded outlook. Some folk bring values to the group which not everyone falls in with…It’s difficult to describe but when you study the GA literature and move around different rooms you will get my drift.

[lizbeth4]

Good that you went to meeting and escaped the gambling venue! I’ve managed to stay gamble free since my last relapse! I agree, if I gamble now, it’s because I want too. I wish there was a GA group in my town. It would be very helpful. Hope you have a good day. Heading to work.

[Jezi]

Ok, i see what you mean 🙂 we dont have that kind of movement here when it comes to ga. I understand that ga here is different from in the states for example. The group i went to was open minded and not bound so much to religious beliefs from what i could tell. I am gonna go to a meeting again once i get back home to find out more. Last time is pretty much a blur to be honest as i was in such a bad state of mind.

I hope you are having a good day xxx

[jen3]

Good for you Vera! I am so glad you went back. It worked before and it will work again. 🙂

[vera]

I’m trying to clarify something in my mind. As far as I recall, December 26th was my last trip to the casino. I went that night and left at about 2 or 3 am so that ran into the 27th.I used the ATM until it refused to issue more. Then I went to the outside ATM and cleared my account. My Bank statement shows a pile of withdrawals on 28th December……………..I knew I had lost “a lot” but I was shocked to see the amount in print. The good news is, that I haven’t been back since. That little fatcat must be squealing with the hunger by now. Of course he will have others subscribers but in that little dingy hell hole, I know I was in the Top Ten of the his benefactors. I hope he and I get SKINNY for the New Year. I’m going to start walking again. I actually began last night and loved it. Payday in 2 days. It will make no difference to my life.

[vera]

January was a G free month, thank God!A good start to 2019.
I don’t want another year of misery or another week or even a day. I have had enough.
Life is not perfect. It never was, never will be.
I’m heading off to a GA meeting now. It’s a wet miserable night.
The meeting will be opened by the secretary who invites members to introduce themselves by first name only and IF THEY wish they can say how long it is since their last bet.
Some people say “my name is ********. I am a compulsive gambler” . Some just say “I’m *****”
Personally, I have no problem saying “I am a compulsive gambler” It brings it home to myself and lets other people in the room know I’m not just a spectator.
After all GA is a Fellowship for people with gambling problems .Everyone is there for one reason. To stay free from the next bet. Unity is one of the Group’s strengths.
When I attended other groups over the years ,attendees introduced themselves by mentioning their position in the group.
It would be very time consuming at GA if members listed their own interpretation of their reason for being present.(many attend more than one Fellowship)
When we get hung up on minutiae, we lose sight of the wider picture.

[lizbeth4]

I have no problem saying that I’m a CG. I wish there was a GA group in my town. I would be going multiple times per week. Take care driving in the rain. I hope your meeting is good.

[sherrie]

I’m not a fan of people constantly saying I’m a compulsive gambler because I think it reinforces the negative rather than promoting the positive of being in recovery. An example is like the golfer who focuses on getting the ball into the hole is more successful than the guy who focuses on not missing the hole. They both have the same goal but if you focus on what you don’t want to do, aren’t you taking your eye off what you do want? I guess at the end of the day, whatever label you place on it, we’re all here wanting the same thing, a pleasant gamble-free life. The rest is just semantics.
Sherrie
xoxoxox

[i-did-it]

Vera , just keep doing whatever works for you – we are all different and I guess that is why there is no ‘cure’ for this addiction.
I agree with all that Sherrie has written .
Thank you for your continued support – I am feeling much relieved and free today,
Hoping we all have a gamble free February !

[vera]

You can look at it from both sides , Sherrie.

Sometimes, in certain situations I use the term “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”

But when a situation as serious as the destructive consequences of compulsive arises , I would be more inclined to say

“A drowning man needs a bit more than a high five!”

[i-did-it]

All true Vera but I don’t think either of these refer to labels !

[vera]

I’m not interested in labels, IDI. Not even designer ones.

Real people interest me more.

Like the genuiine ones I meet in GA.

[i-did-it]

I agree 100% Vera.

People are just people, whether we meet them in our work, our homes or the groups we join. 

No further labels required !

Well said !

[vera]

Went to GA tonight. A different venue. One I didn’t attend since last March. Got a great welcome from the men. I “knew” a lot of then from other groups. One newcomer. On the way out one man said “Will I see you on Thursday night?” Little things mean a lot.

[i-did-it]

Delighted to read this Vera .
Well done and I hope you go Thursday night .
GA has really helped you in the past and I know it will again .
Keep strong xx

[vera]

Thanks, IDI.
GA again tonight
This new venue is a mile away from my last comfort zone, so every inch of the route tells me “I’m nearly there”!
The journey home is different, though.
At the last round about I just have to focus on taking the 2nd exit instead of the first.
A member made a comment after Tuesday nights meeting that might be of interest to you, IDI.
If I meet you in a group sometime I will tell you. (Don’t know if you still go to groups?)
Better fly. Bad night for driving. Takes 50 mins on a clear run.

[Jezi]

Hi Vera. I hope the meeting goes well for you tonight.

Mine was awful in terms of realising that im more damaged than i could ever imagine. Peoples stories also breaks my heart into little pieces and i have a hard time handling it. It was tough. Had to open a bottle of wine now that i came home. Im wondering how on earth im going to make it through this. But also hearing other peoples stories here and at GA makes me hopeful.

Thanks for your post and sending strength your way xxx

[lizbeth4]

Vera, I wish there were closer GA meetings near me. I would attend. They are very helpful if you find thr right group of people. Your posts are positive and supportive to all of us here.

[Steev]

Just wanted to thank you for your comment on (what I supppose is now) my thread! I am up to my eyeballs in packing and getting the house empty so won’t say more now – but will try and just pop on here occasionally until the house sells on Wednesday when hopefully I can take more part in things. I won’t be in it after Monday so posting might be more of a problem. I hope you are well and thanks again for your support. Appreciated.

[i-did-it]

Hi vera
I go to a few groups
Cut out a lot of them- I am a lost cause – so doesn’t matter much what I do .
Just focus on your recovery and attend GA as
often as you need to .

Stay strong my friend !
Meet u in group soon and am
Grateful for anything which would help me .

[vera]

Do you REALLY consider yourself to be a lost cause, IDI?
You believe in God.
Does He consider you to be a lost cause?
When you say “grateful for anything that can help me”, do you really mean that or will you rebuke me for repeating the same message or judging or labeling you?
I’m very willing to help any gambler who genuinely wants my help -that’s one of the goals of GA and Christianity and GT (It was in the past anyway!)
But I won’t be going on a fool’s run.
In my book, you never kick a fellow traveller when/he or she is down but in the end nobody can take one step for you (or me).
Only you (and I) can do that.

[i-did-it]

Vera
I’m sorry u feel I am rebuking you but I won’t be labelled – I’m
Not sure why you think that’s Personal to you when half the people on here attend ga and use the same terminology .

I do feel a bit disappointed that you saw his as an opportunity to point score however !
Over and out !

[Monica1]

I felt that way when I was doing it to self destruction. But the truth is none of us r lost causes. Let me know when u r in group and I will come. Would like a chat.

[Monica1]

Just realised I posted this on your thread not idis.

[Monica1]

Thank you so much for posting on my thread. I only get the oldies on here posting on my thread these days, Good to hear that you took the right exit on the roundabout. How’s things vera, are you sleeping any better? When you said you were in trouble on my thread what did you mean?

[kin]

[vera]

Thanks for the you tube video, Kin. Worth a second view.

I’m still “feeding” my Fund on the 12th of every month. The payment has gone from my current account since after midnight and will show up in my “untouchable” account in a couple of days. I never got my head around that. You pay at the check out for groceries and the money is whipped out before you get to the car, yet a transfer in the other direction takes 48 hours. It WILL be there. Unlike gambling , where the money never shows up again. I will have it restored by Christmas 2019. (I drew down more than I realized in the final months of my gambling binge in 2018.) It’s not about the money, though. It’s about the serenity of doing the right thing. Gambling can never be a right action when we know where it will lead us. I have no right to do what is wrong, if that makes sense. I have isolated myself from other people quite a lot. I have tried to get back in touch with a couple of friends. No response. On the other hand, people phone me and I don’t pick up. I need to get some balance into my life. I went back to Monday Night Devotions in Church tonight (well last night)Hadn’t been for a long time. Two GA meetings planned for this week and three “sales”. Meeting people makes me apprehensive but it generally works out ok. Knowing that I am at peace with my Maker helps. I need to takes further steps to rectify that. (Catholic readers will understand what I mean.) I’m selling a few items online and lodging the money directly into my husband’s account.He had to withdraw some today to pay a bill . He appears stressed .He has aged a lot. He never spoke openly about my gambling except to “let fly” every so often when I was AWOL until the early hours. I feel shut out of his life in many ways. I owe it to him to be consistent and pull my weight. He works too hard.He is past his sell by date but won’t give in. Restitution is not just about paying off our debts. There is far more to it than that. I need to restore my self worth -which is of course very different than self esteem. I need to bring some joy into others’ lives. I need to make more effort with my husband. I learned how to take photos on my husband’s phone and upload then onto the Selling Site which helps to attract more buyers. My husband is in BAD form. He is doing some electrical work which involves dragging himself up and down ladders. He had a hip injury two weeks ago. I thought it could be a fracture because he couldn’t bear weight and had a lot of pain but no rotation, so thankfully I was wrong. He is having x rays and blood tests and “it’s all my fault”! I’m trying to communicate with him but we seem to be coming at things from totally different angles , which has been the story of my life. That’s my midnight (almost 3am) ramble. If I were in a casino tonight, I would have to drive home, tired, sick , broke and would be trying in the last hour, frantically to get back even a tenth of what I would have spent trying ” to gather up a few crumbs from the rich man’s table” knowing I would fail so for that I am thankful. As I drove through the city tonight the traffic slowed and I was at the exact point of entry to a casino. Indicate left and the automatic gates would swing open…I had a mild flash back , visualizing the action and thought “Why would I want to enter the gates of Hell?”To “WIN”..what a big lie! Self deception has ruined me in the past but not tonight Thank God!  ‘Nite all!

[vera]

I am not sleeping, Monica…long term problem

Sleep hits me towards morning (From sedation) Then I sleep until 1 or 2 pm

I need to get my act together.

Talk soon.

[Nick]

Hi Vera , yes exercise does replace gambling in that it makes me feel good. I’m doing okay as are you, going by your long but enlightening post . A question for you what kind of untouchable account do you use ?

[vera]

Thanks for your post, Nick.
We don’t “celebrate” on February 14th
I went to do a bit of selling . My third “sale” this week. The first two went belly up. Maddening! Today’s went well. Ready cash. Did the business , then drove an hour straight to a GA Meeting. My 2nd this week. All men and moi!
Home just after 10pm.
Cooked fillet steak etc . Hubby said nothing but the plate is empty.
No gambling this week, this month, this year.

[sherrie]

Yay for no gambling! Those boys are blessed to have you at their meetings. An empty plate does speak for itself. I remember my Hubby cooked for me once. I remind him of it often. It was my 19th birthday and he grilled steak marinated in red wine. It was quite lovely.
I was wondering where you were and very happy to see you posting.
Sherrie
xoxoxo

[Nick]

Hi Vera , thanks for the info on the untouchable account, i’ll make enquiries at my bank .

[lizbeth4]

Good to see you in chat. Thanks for your ongoing support.

[kin]

Hi Vera,
I like to use this opportunity to let you know that you were deeply miss when you stop posting. It is very comforting to read your thoughts here.

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera
Thanks for your post on my thread.
You are a great saver and will have that fund restored in no time .
You are doing great !

[Nick]

Hi Vera thanks for your post on my journal i need some empathy right now, i do know alcohol is not the answer and i’m very much aware of how much i’m drinking and keeping it under control as much as not missing work through it for example . On a much more positive note i am not gambling . Thanks once again. 🙂

[vera]

65 days since my last horror binge which lasted 8 months and cost me dearly. Commencing month three of 2019 without one “slip” is all due to attending GA. I am back in the swing of the meetings now. Some times twice a week . Sometimes once. I have bonded with a different group. (some from previous groups but a different venue). I won’t look forward. Won’t look back. Just look UP! On the non GA nights I go out to other events. Just checked my bank account online. VERY healthy looking. Above all , my mind is beginning to quieten despite having some thoughts that a day in the slots would be fun…yea right! We all know where that leads……forget it!

Over and out.

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO POSTED TO MY THREAD

GREATLY APPRECIATED

[kin]

Hi Sister Vera,

The message in your story is the same. The success in recovery come from a Higher Power and that Higher Power was not “me” ” I” “myself.” In this case, the Higher Power was a group call GA.

Just read your post in Ididit, can you share with me about your plan to starve for 6 weeks before Lent kick in, I am interested to follow.

[jen3]

Good job getting back on track with no gambling., Let’s crush March the same way.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts on my thread. Missing what is going on for u and your thoughts on your thread.

[vera]

Thanks Kin, Jen and Monica. Last night I had a mental relapse. I planned the whole gambling trip in my head. Things I planned had gone against me badly so the “what the hell” feeling took hold of my brain. Two things stopped me. I read a post on Lauren’s thread and it snowed heavily so here I am at 4.30 am, checking my bank account online and seeing it is OK. If I had carried out my (evil) plan, I would be arriving home now, shattered. Thank God I didn’t succumb to the temptation. It is so easy to lose focus.

[lizbeth4]

It is easy to lose focus. I’m glad that you didn’t gamble. Take care.

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera ,
I am thinking how differently your thread would read this morning if you had gambled. Well done on resisting .
It’s going to be a great week! Xx

[Steev]

I wasn’t expecting snow, but it is a blessing if it helped in preventing you from gambling. I arrive on the Emerald Isle on Wednesday – maybe it will be gone by then. Take good care of yourself!

[jen3]

Thank God! No gambling hangover today. 🙂

[kin]

Hi Vera
I am also fasting now but choose to stay away from carbo and sugar. It is day number 6 for me today. I did felt hunger especially at night and was thinking how you are doing with your fast. Cheers and support!

[vera]

March 12th
The day my “Fund” is boosted.
No withdrawals this year.
I just need to be patient.
In my mind, I run ahead.
In reality all I can do is wait patiently and say no to gambling.
I don’t want to wish my life away.
I don’t want/need/desire to gamble today.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

[Steev]

Maybe some sunshine? Lets face it we could all do with some. I take it, it’s your anniversary – so well done. I hope you have a great gf rest of the week.

[Monica1]

How r u?

[Steev]

Not seen or heard from you in a while. Hoping that things are okay! Give us a shout here when you can.

[kin]

Hi Vera

This is my first time and 31st day of Lenten fasting. I have experience many type of temptations. Does other people experience all sort of attack and temptation from the devil during this period of fasting too?

[Steev]

Just checking that you are okay after the weekend. I know you are not a fan of posting here any more but it would be good to hear from you! Take good care now.

[vera]

I’m posting in advance of my “Fund Restoration” date.
All going well.
Thank you Kin, Steev and Monica for your posts.
I have been AWOL for a while but staying fully focused on recovery from gambling. I just can’t gamble anymore . So be it.
Just home from my favourite GA venue. Lovely bunch of men there. Some my age. Some thirty years younger but we all click together.
Two of us got a 90 day “pin” tonight. Up until this week we had the same people chairing. Now there are three or four who are in the running.
Life goes on.

[vera]

I’m posting in advance of my “Fund Restoration” date.
All going well.
Thank you Kin, Steev and Monica for your posts.
I have been AWOL for a while but staying fully focused on recovery from gambling. I just can’t gamble anymore . So be it.
Just home from my favourite GA venue. Lovely bunch of men there. Some my age. Some thirty years younger but we all click together.
Two of us got a 90 day “pin” tonight. Up until this week we had the same people chairing. Now there are three or four who are in the running.
Life goes on.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your recent post on my thread. Much appreciated. I am staying gamble free also. Congrats on your 90 day pin.

[vera]

Thanks , Lizbeth.
The “pin” is actually a coin. Go figure!!
Well done to you too!
Just knocking off now . After two am here. I’m burning the midnight oil.

[Monica1]

Could have talked for a lot more. Hope we speak soon.

[vera]

Monica.
Recovery broadens our outlook and even ” leads us along the right path, to revive our drooping spirits”
(I paraphrase)

[Monica1]

Re the right path and drooping spirits. Even when we feel pants it helps to have a chat and keep it real.

[Steev]

Hi Vera – just thought that I would let you know that I went to my first GA meeting in nearly 20 years last night. Nothing much has changed – readings, therapies around the room, short reading, serenity prayer and home – (or in my case to the Chinese around the corner!)
It felt a bit perfunctory and I am not sure how much people were gaining from it – but then there were no “new” members there who may have needed help and advice.
I don’t feel any pull to get involved again – I think being here is enough for now. Hope you are doing well.

[vera]

Thanks Monica, RG and Steve. Great to see posts when I open my thread! I agree, Steve. Some GA Groups are a bit “flat” and there is little empathy portrayed. I have done the rounds and the present Thursday night group seems to fulfill my need for some type of fellowship or connection. I still have no idea why GA works, or how. I do know when I attend the meetings, I don’t gamble. I just live for today.

[vera]

My sons were mollycoddled, RG. I gave them ALL their legal documents, as required. They both lost the lot. (ALL MY FAULT,OF COURSE) They moved from college campuses to shared houses etc over the years. A recipe for disaster. I had to bail them out on so many occasions, I lost co u nt. Birth certs can be re issued but Passports cost more and take longer. I did a spot check once to find the accommodation like a war zone. Rubbish bags in the kitchen, the toilet not fit for use. Extra beds moved in ALL LIVING OFF MY HARD EARNED BUCKS. That’s the down side, RG. At times like that I had no difficulty cutting yet another chunk off the umbilical cord and letting them sick or swim. The thing is they always come back. Has your son a girl in his life? That can happen and it changes everything RG. Then the mammy is REALLY not his lover any more. Now you can really shriek and tear your hair out!!!! My advice would be to close your eyes for the next five years. Try to revive your relationship with hubby so that you have some one to wrap your arms and legs around and cling on to….that is unless he doesn’t get it!!!!

And they say it’s easy being a mother. O Lordy, lordy.

[charles]

Hi Vera,

There seem to be connection issues/gremlis this evening. I thin I am in the group ok as my text is showing there, hopefully you will have better luck in the next group.

If not then give us an update here.

[vera]

Kept getting disconnected, Charles.
It was my laptop, losing charge I think.
Just plugged it in so it seems to be working now.
Will try to connect to the next group if it’s not too late.

[vera]

Thanks , RG
I screwed up big time
Had a few “high rolling ” weeks but guess what? Greed took over! I am back to stage one. A physical/mental/financial/everthing wreck!
No one to blame but big fat moi!

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera
Hope to see u in chat soon for a good catch up .
In the meantime sending you lots of love xx

[lizbeth4]

Sending you hugs)))))) It will get better!

[Steev]

I’m not in Ireland anymore but practising my French in Belgium. Sad to hear that you have had a rough time and would love to talk to you some more about it. Maybe see you in chat??

[Monica1]

Triggers?
I remember from conversations u were concerned about your husband. What happened? Hope to catch u in chat, do t often go on chat but will make an effort. Good u r back here.

[jen3]

Hi Vera!! Sounds like we are in the same boat. Yup I screwed up as well. Why do we go back to the same old same?? I just hate that I keep putting myself through the same bull crap. I have no idea what to do different to keep this same pattern from repeating itself. Screw up, win or loose it always turns into a chase, (even after a few times managing to win and leave) followed by devastation, than ready to do what ever it takes to live gamble free, clean time, than start the cycle over… UGHHHH! You are in my thoughts and prayers my friend.

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera
Thank you for your post on my thread.
I hope it’s getting a little easier.
I will try make it to chat tonight – saw your name there last night but must have just missed you.
Be kind to yourself xx

[charles]

Hi Vera,

You were at your strongest in recovery when you were getting to meetings, coming here to both the groups and forums ad had your “lump” tied up.

You did it before, you can do it again – get back to what was working.

How did you access the funds with which you gambled? How can you protect your other money in the same way you did your “lump”?

Hopefully see you in a group soon.

[lizbeth4]

I was sad to hear about your relapse. Be kind to yourself. Whatever triggered you should be addressed. You’ve been so inspirational to me. Don’t you ever forget how many people on GT that you have helped. You will get through this!! Take care.

[kin]

Hi Vera,

 Keep on fighting the good fight. I have faith in you!

[kin]

Hi Vera,
I still love to read your wise words; you still have my respect despite what happen because I knew that stopping is the easy part; staying stop is the difficult part. I still believe in you. I believe that you will keep on trying to do your best.
By the grace of our Higher Power, our Higher Power will help us to do what we cannot do for ourselves. Amen!

[vera]

I would like to post to everyone, especially the recent “relapsers” but I can’t because of the tunnel vision gambling has created in my now very narrow life.
Gambling enslaves and restricts me from reality when I give it that power. My brain becomes hijacked and I can’t think or breathe beyond the mental sewer that overtakes my very being.
JUST FOR TONIGHT, I will not gamble.

[vera]

PS. I just tried to join the group only to be told “you do not have permission to join”
?????????????

[lizbeth4]

You’ve supported so many people here including myself. Now is the time for you to focus on yourself!!!! I just hate what gambling does to us!!! It’s nothing but pure EVIL!!! Are you able to go to any meetings??? I’m thinking of you and sending hugs))))). It will get better!

[kin]

If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. ~ Ecclesiastes 4:10

Dear Vera I know you would have done the same for any one of us.

[charles]

Hi Vera,

In the nicest possible way – get your butt back to what you know was working! For you that meant GA meetings and groups here.

Keep what remains of your lump safe – maybe think about tyig it up for a longr period like you did to start with.

Then look at what you can do moving forwards.

We all know that No money = No gambling. However the reverse is also true: No gambling = we have money again and that is when we need to plan for.

Keep posting, here on your own thread, and again – get your butt back to what you KNOW works.

[vera]

Thanks, Kin, Lizbeth , Charles.
I don’t really want to post on my own thread.
I don’t want to go to GA.
I went to a Higher Level today . Confession for those who know about it lifts us from worldly desires. The priest, like most GA members “got it”!
I have absolutely no access to money today so I cannot gamble.
Today.

[vera]

What a joke!! The Site I “had fun” on, sent me an email announcing that I have reached VIP status (in reality they are saying they have copped on to my maniacal style of gambling), congratulated me on my “win”, reassured me it’s on it’s way to my bank and even had the audacity to ask what I intend spending it on!!!?!? Do they not realize they are blowing their cover? I’m wide awake today. My mind is clear. I’m waiting for the “win” to hit my account. I will remove it in 4 stages and replace the void gambling created in my Post Office Account.

Will I tell my VIP Special Assistant this? No. I will delete the email.

I just went shopping. (Had cash set aside for that) Used vouchers to get the best value so that indicates traces of normality.

Gambling comes with a high price tag. “Winnings”ALWAYS have strings attached. I have plans made for the week that do not include using the laptop except for short spells. (Glad I’m not in France -40 degrees forecast!!)

[charles]

Vera, forget what that site did/didn’t do.

Focus on YOU and the things you can do/not do.

Currently you are choosing not to do something, I am sure your addiction is delighted.

Try and get back to the things that will annoy your addiction.

[kin]

Is everything ok but you are not ok? or Is everything not ok but you are ok?

I have faith in you.

[kathryn]

Quiet Sunday morning here in Oz,
The cold has hit us like a slap in the face! Oh I know its nothing like the cold over there, but geez, it is bitter! My motivation is pretty much zip.
Im sorry about your relapse.
No words of wisdom from me, only the understanding nod of one cg to another. Stand up, dust off and start over. That’s it.
This is the laziest weekend I have had for a long time and I have enjoyed it.
Keep going V, in reality, its all you can really do.
Love K xxxxxxxx

[kin]

really miss reading your post here.

[vera]

Thanks to you, Kin for your ever faithful interest and concern.

Kathryn, “standing up and dusting off” becomes more difficult every time, but I will CRAWL back on my belly like a beaten animal, licking my raw wounds along the way, one day at a time.

Charles, since you always ask “what are you doing differently?”. I will say a few words on what I did differently in recent months.

1. I stopped going to casinos.

2. I started gambling online (took to it like a moth to a flame and retreated into a type of solitary confinement where I became untouchable. Anyone who ever gambled online will relate)

3. Last night  BIG “different action”took place. I “won” (sic) and decided to withdraw. They said “you must wait a week”. That of course is the downfall of a CG and the sure guarantee that the casinos never lose.

I WOKE UP! Locked down the laptop. Called my husband (I was ill , in bed from 2 horrendous “all nighters”, online) and told him I had something serious to discuss, (Very difficult to get his attention-he lives in the “Garden/DIY “world) Long story short, I drummed it into his skull that I CANNOT be allowed use the laptop unsupervised as I had gambled and “won” and there is a payout pending. He agreed and I am presently giving this update with him lurking in the background, (Incidentally , he doesn’t seem to know the difference between GT and Gambling Sites—MEN!!!)

Anyway today is 12th…my Fund still exists but has been almost halved but I still continue to pay in the standing order every month. It will be fully restored by Christmas.

I just had an email from the casino telling me half of my winnings will be released to my bank in 2 to 3 days and the remainder in about ten days…I can wait…

Hard lesson learned.

Today I will not think about not gambling.

I will be calm and patient.

I will shop for groceries ( I have vouchers) I will walk.

I will pull weeds in the garden.

I will cook.

I WILL LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD.

Best wishes to one and all.

I will post on everyone’s thread in the near future, when I can see straight.

To RG , I think of you every day and am praying for your dear dad.

To Lizbeth, Thank God your daughter wasn’t injured in that accident .

Steev, happy travels. Thinking of you carrying luggage through train stations (normal activity of everyday life)

Monica, you know you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

IDI, I don’t know how you have functioned all those years ,gambling online. I would be DEAD. Carrying a mobile SMART phone is like carrying a loaded shot gun. (By the way I was never good at Maths -especially percentages)

Meghna, Thank God you have gotten to grips with this killer addiction.

Sherrie, you are The Queen of England in disquise! (hope you’re a Royalist!!)

To one and all I say this

Stay miles away from online gambling

It  comes with a serious health risk (not to mention the financial suicide it can cause)

That’s all I can write for now…hubby is giving me filthy looks and tut tutting…..

[i-did-it]

Vera it’s great to have you back and I applaud your bravery in telling your husband and getting his support .
Travelling at the moment so will write a longer reply later
Xx

[charles]

Hi Vera, actually no I wouldn’t have said my usual ” What will you do differently?” Thing. I will say my “Get your butt back to what you know works!”thing. Well done on speaking to your husband.

[Meghna83]

Vera you can stop too! Online gambling is the worst kind especially if you’re like me and become immune to digital money. I could easily wipe myse out with online numbers yet find it so easy to hold onto to paper money. I really don’t ever want to find myself gambling online ever again. 

[Monica1]

Hope to speak to you soon. Sorry u discovered online, it is worse than casinos! All nighters and alldAyers so easy but it is lethal. Detrimental to everything that is good. Xx

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera ,
Hope all is ok with you.

[kin]

When the brake is not working, it take some time to fix them, it takes time for everything to return to normal.
Take one day at a time, if this is difficult, take one baby step at a time.

[vera]

Thanks, Kin, IDI, Meghna, RG, Charles, Monica .
My first update since July 7th.
Suffice to say, I lost everything. As we all know a CG will NEVER win.
I am trying to be normal/proactive today.
It is very difficult to re enter the Real World but the alternative is bleak.
I forced myself to walk for 90 minutes this evening -a walk that I used to do in half the time and at every step my body ached , the clothes were stuck to me due to the humid weather and my unfit state ( due to the inertia that comes with gambling) but at least I was moving and breathing in fresh air instead of sitting like a zombie waiting for a “big win”.
My Debit Card is blocked so no more deposits.
Just for today, I will not gamble.

[Monica1]

So good to hear from you and thank you for your post on my thread. I knew you were gambling. Just knew it. You let it in and it’s a beast to shake off once we do.
as you say, It’s not easy let go but we have to and so do you of gambling.
I am having to let go completely and cut off all ties. So do you…

[jen3]

Hi Vera! I noticed you have not been posting much. As it appears you and I have had a rough 2019 vs a gambling free one. Uggh!! We can still end the year on a good note. God I hope so. Anyways I wanted you to know that I have thought about you often wether I am active here or elsewhere torching myself. I pray that we are able to turn this year around and somehow stop the madness. Thinking of you.

[kin]

You are a kind and loving person. you care about the ones struggling in hardship, and suffering in pain here.

Many look forward to the comfort and support they get from your post everyday. You gives the one in darkness direction and hope.

[jen3]

Come back Vera! I miss you my friend. I miss your words of wisdom.. know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

[jen3]

Still thinking of you.

[vera]

…thanks to everyone who posted.
I have one foot in hell and the other in reality.
Two hours approximately since my last bet.
Where do I go from here?
I’ve been around this place for too long.

[MurrS7]

Im going to read your whole thread tomorrow.
I’m here for you and know you’re not alone.
We got this. I believe in you. One day at a time we will
Win this. I know it.

[lizbeth4]

I’m here for you also! Don’t give up!

[jen3]

Sorry you have been struggling. I am so happy you are back! Stick around this time. We can do this!

[kin]

Dear Vera
Allow me to borrow some wise words from Meghna.
Accept the loss, let it go, it is not coming back.
Stop chasing, it will only cause more damage.
it will not get better; it will only get worse.

[kin]

Like any other chronic illness, addiction is a disease of remission and relapse. If a person with diabetes develops high blood sugar level or a person with high blood pressure had high blood pressure, it is considered a progression of the illness, yet many battling addictions expect perfection in recovery. Why is addiction not approached in the same way?

When we stay stop in gambling, it is in remission. When we are not careful, it can relapse.

We seek progress, not perfection in recovery but many expect perfection in their recovery. Are we are setting ourselves up for more misery and disappointment.

[kin]

When you are in a hole. Stop the digging.

[MurrS7]

I just read your thread and I feel your pain deeply. I know how hard it is to Stop and I know the feeling of a relapse and Hangover better than anyone. We do great for months, and then get triggered and fall back right where we left Off and relapse worse than the one before. Months of hard Earned cash gone in seconds. I was also attending ga And stopped, I should have kept going, I found it so depressing To attend because I thought I was the odd man out. I feel like we need tk attend to keep ourselves accountable I also feel we need to read the steps to recovery and Have strategies in place when we get urges. My trigger is booze. I have quit booze. What are yours? Please keep me Updated and know you’re never alone.

we are in this together and we will beat this together.

im praying for you.

god bless

[kin]

agrees with RG

[jen3]

Well said RG!!!

[charles]

Been here too long?

Vera, I have to remind you that your current problems stem from choosing to stop coming here and choosing to stop going to your meetings.

Where do you go from here? Back to what you know works. Hopefully see you in a group later.

[vera]

Thanks to all who posted.
Charles, I have to psych myself up to return to GA. Apart from gambling, there are genuine reasons for my non attendance of late.
Kin, you are always there for me. I appreciate that.
Jen, despite your own issues, I notice you take time to support other members. I take solace from your post on Murr’s thread.
I am TORTURED , dwelling on a BIG “win”that I foolishly dwindled down to “insufficient balance”.
Gambling stresses me.
Stress makes me physically ill.
In my book that’s sinful! Self abuse and I even have the audacity to beg God for another chance. Another “win”. Yea! right! For what? So that I can continue the self abuse.
God’s Ways are not ours. We need to conform to His Will , instead of trying to manipulate Him.
Lizbeth, sorry for neglecting you. I have kept up to date with your thread and all I can say is you have my admiration. I hope to take a leaf from your book and COP ON to myself!
I’m ill from gambling.
Murrs, I know exactly how you feel about reliving the loss. I can actually see the symbols spinning in my head all day and all night. When I managed to get (induced) sleep, I jump up with my heart pounding , lathered in perspiration. asking myself “was it just a nightmare that I lost AGAIN?
No, it’s REAL.
We gambled.
We lost.
The money is not coming back. Ever.
Time to cut our losses.
Back to the drawing board.
GAMBLING COMES WITH A HEAVY PRICE TAG.

[Meghna83]

Wow Vera,

what a nightmare you you are livinG when asleep and awake

those wins are never wins 

do you think you can draw a line now Vera and start counting your gf days?

[jen3]

Vera, I am so darn happy you are back! We need your words of wisdom. You are right where God wants you to be. I believe with all my heart when we stop chasing money, and start chasing Gods will for our life, the rest will fall into place. Never ever give up giving up.

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera
I often feel quite relieved when the money is all gone – the chase can be exhausting and the wheels cause the brain to spin non -stop. We can start to focus on building ourselves up again .

You will come back from this and know that you have many on here to support you as you rebuild
Xx

[vera]

Thanks for your encouraging post, RG but the reality is,I have regressed badly in every way, which makes it difficult to measure progress.

The losses with online gambling are alarming. Yes, I lost hand over fist in casinos but it took longer . The shock of a huge sudden wipe out has had a devastating effect on my health.

Health and Time are far more important than money and these have been my greatest loss. I hope and pray that the damage is reversible. In the meantime I will have to learn how to roll with the punches.

When we stoop to putting nails in our own coffin it is very difficult to recommit to recovery.

Keep hobbling. I will drag myself along at your side.

[Monica1]

I have t been on here for the past week but I am so glad u r back. U r missed and valued here. Gambling addiction is a lifelong thing so why be surprised to come back here. I have been on here for two years now and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
Of all people, I know that gambling made me physically and mentally unwell for a long time. It can all be recovered but only through entering into recovery and stopping and never wanting to start back again. We choose destruction, I certainly did because I wanted to destroy myself and not even subconsciously. But I no longer do, I value life, I value our heavenly fathers support and help in my life, each and every day. And it grows. Stopping gambling grows. But you know all this, you were a great success Shen you stopped for two years, we all looked up to you as the doyen of this gambling illness.

Back to basics, it is a progressive illness, each relapse is worse than the last. Vera, you need to work out why u feel the need to gamble. There are always underlying reasons and we need to Work with them. Have u tried counselling? Is there anyone you can talk to aside from us lot? Glad u r back my friend, from your friend.

[vera]

Our posts crossed, Monica. While you were writing to me, I was doing likewise on your thread. Have a look!

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post Vera. It made me smile. Yes,I cook now for the family, it is kinda back to when they were little, and all the years I missed out on them somewhat because of Pete.
What made me smile was your comment on you would wait for him forever. Yes, indeed. And that makes me laugh. Maybe I have waited for him forever, that wouldn’t surprise me. But I am not really waiting anyway, just accepting of each day and if we still enjoy each other’s company, why not.
tHe game I play doesn’t make me feel like gambling Vera. I could never switch that horror show back on cos it was truly awful.

[kin]

When my mind keep thinking of what gambling can do for me and what are the disadvantages of staying stop in gambling. I get trap and it keep me addicted and gamble, I cannot stop.

I need to attack and replace these thoughts. I will start asking myself and thinking what can gambling do to me and what are the advantage of staying stop in gambling. I keep a list to look at them and remind myself.

I will not sit and do nothing, I will replace gambling with other more healthy activities and places if I need to act out.

This is helping me stay stop but I am still very afraid of getting complacent and thinking that I am strong enough and in control of everything; I will be more careful this time; I will not spend more than this money; I can stop after this time.

I am human. If I am not careful, I am fallible I will treat today as if it is my first day in recovery.

[kin]

What would I have to do to cause a relapse?

I don’t have to do anything.

I only need to stop gambling and start counting gamble free days

I continue to live my life the way I always have.

My disease will do the rest.

It will trigger a series of automatic and habitual reactions to life’s problems

Problem that will create so much pain and discomfort

One day I will feel that the pain and discomfort of staying gamble free was much greater than the pain of gambling. A return to gambling will seem like a positive option

[vera]

Very true, Kin.
Our human minds have the ability to obliterate pain.
That’s why we need to take action to prevent further relapse while the wounds are still raw.
When the pain of gambling becomes greater than the pain we try to escape from, we will stop gambling.
As I write I am in “Stop” mode. I can’t torture myself anymore.
God grant me the serenity etc, etc.
I will go back to GA soon.

[vera]

When I stop gambling I always have sufficient money to live.
When I gamble I NEVER have enough.
Why?
Because the Addiction is insatiable.
I will let Providence provide.
Gambling only takes, It never gives.

[jen3]

Very true Vera. It’s amazing how quickly things get better financially when we stop gambling. On the flip side, it’s baffling how quickly we can destroy our finances while gambling. Time and time again I have been living comfortably one minute and than scraping for a few bucks the next. Hopefully not this time. I could easily give in and at times it sounds so good to belly up to a slot machine or card table but that’s just it , it sounds good until I give in i
and end up as I always do .. on the chase until I am out of money or just can’t take anymore followed by the good ole gambling hangover. .. God give us the strength to stay out of the pits of hell..

[kin]

Hi Vera,

One day at a time, I tried to stay gamble free. Unfortunately, I place a single bet on Friday and failed. On Saturday, I continue to stay gamble free. I do the same on Sunday one day at a time. It was not a beautiful and perfect picture but we continue to take one day at a time. The gamble free days add up and there is progress over the years. This is a one day at a time gamble free program for me.

[Berta24449787]

Vera;

Has anyone heard from RG? Is she in group? I am worried.

[velvet]

Hi Vera

I know I sound like a crumbly old parrot who should have been put out of her misery years ago but I really am only here on this site because I know you can live gamble-free and I will keep saying it until I drop off my perch.
You can say that I don’t understand until you are blue in the face – but in return, I want you to know this – I care.
I suppose all I want to say is ‘keep trying, keep determining, never give up on yourself’.
Velvet

[Jonny123987]

Hi Vera,

What’s going on? I thought you stopped this behavior?

Jonny

[kin]

Thanks to Gambling Therapy for making everything possible, I was able to look at my old journal after 2011.

This was dated 27 June 2016, you wrote to me

Kin, As soon as we accept the fact that “CGs never win” we will realize there is no point in playing

We only become “powerless over gambling” when we place the first bet.

Quashing the initial thought means it will never lead to action.

Nobody ever drugged me and carried me blindfolded to the casino. I always drove there in my sane senses. (Mind you, I never left a casino in a similar manner-I was usually the last customer to be ejected well after closing time . Either that, or I stumbled out the door broke and dejected).

Is that the Life Our Father planned for us, Kin?

I think not!

[kin]

Hi Vera,
You wrote to me after I had a relapse on 14 June 2016

“Postpone the next bet” was the first bit of advice I got on GT when I joined in 2008 (from Lee).

If every CG did that, it would be the answer to our problems and it would prevent a lot of misery.

I’m so sorry to hear you had the relapse, Kin. I know you will get back on track fast.

You have a lot of experience with gambling. And even more with Recovery.

Use the skills/tools that you have learned over the years. They work!

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera
So glad to see you are back.
Keep strong my friend .
We deserve it xx

[Steev]

I felt we had quite a difficult chat last night in group.

As you know I am not here for myself (although it probably strengthens my own recovery) but to support others who have a problem with their gambling, but how do I support someone who says she does not want support? Who feels that she can do it on her own?

So the only thing I think I can do is to be here. To give you the time and space to think things out. To give my experience both as a trained counsellor AND a recovering compulsive gambler as and when you ask for it – but for you to know that in the meantime, you have my support silently.

[kin]

Hi Vera,

I was just grateful to have known you in my recovery. You should look at all the messages that you leave me when I fell to pick me up over the years. Ken L, P/hope and you really made a difference to me in GT.

I am nothing, God is everything. Amen!

[vera]

Thanks, Kin, Steev, Jonny, I-d-I, Berta, Monica and all who posted/read my thread recently.
Support is more about communication than helping/rescuing.

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera No one can rescue us from this but many can help us . I shied away from help in the past for many reasons.

Sometimes it was simply that the help which was available wasn’t the right help for me. It was so far removed from my thinking it felt like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. I tried and it just didn’t fit and no amount of tweaking could make it fit .

Sometimes I felt I wasn’t as worthy of the help as others, that I should be able to stop on my own, that my problem wasn’t as severe as that of other people and I shouldn’t take their place on rehab or that “it” was just “in me”.

Sometimes I felt above or that I was too good for rehab – that is for people much “worse” than me.

Sometimes I wanted to go but life got in the way – how could I leave my family, my work? Or I allowed life to get in the way ?

Sometimes I worried about people finding out( well all the time actually). It was my great friend on here who always said “we are only as sick as our secrets” and of course she was right!!

Sometimes I was just plain stubborn because someone had pushed my buttons ( this hasn’t happened to me in face to face interaction which is what I needed).

Sometimes I felt unheard when I tried to explain that what I had tried wasn’t working.

Sometimes I was too scared to admit the truth to those close to me (I always was in awe of your honesty). I have been amazed how a little honesty and vulnerability can open and heal a relationship.

Sometimes I felt it wouldn’t matter what I tried I would never stop anyway . I didn’t have the capability within me .

Sometimes I didn’t want to stop because I absolutely knew the big win was just around the corner and of course I was so unique and special that it would come to me .

There was so many reasons why I couldn’t/ wouldn’t access the help I needed – they were all really valid to me at the time.

I have learned however that each of us is worthy of a life free from this horrible curse and that includes me. It includes you too Vera.

So while we cannot be rescued we can reach out and get help. I hope you are reaching out and getting the help that is right for you.

It is so nice to see you posting again Vera xx.

[kin]

Hi I did it,
I do not know whether you have notice them but there is a new level of humility and honesty in your writing nowadays unseen in the past. These are spiritual qualities important to our healing and recovery. You are definitely progressing and moving forward! Good job!

[vera]

Thanks IDI.

Recovery is not what we do sometimes, it’s what we need to do at all times.

When I take my eye off the proverbial ball, I self destruct.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Kin – I replied on your thread. 

[i-did-it]

Vera it is true – when we take our eye off the ball we self destruct. Do you know what it is that you took your eye off ? Did u stop using support, did you let your barriers slip , did you allow yourself to think “just once”, did you let the “big win” actually win, were you in an emotional crisis and beyond caring or was there another reason?

I know these reasons because relapse has been a pattern in my life for a decade. To be honest mostly it hasn’t even been relapse – it has been desperately trying to cling to a few days recovery .

No one can recover as spectacularly as you Vera – you have done it before and you will do it again. You are a hugely determined person.

I’m thinking maybe you could go to those meetings and mix with people who are focused on staying stopped? Talking about it out loud reinforces it in our brains.

You deserve a peaceful life Vera . Xx

[Author]

Posts