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    • #11594
      neva
      Participant

      It’s time for a new identity and thread.  We had a short power outage and all my automatic passwords disappeared so logging on to GT (too many tries), I got locked out.  E-mailed to get my user name and password but didn’t hear back.  Things work for a reason.  LIke Vera, who chose a woman she knew from the casino, Neva is a woman I know from the casino. I put too much personal identifying information on my other thread so I’m going to be more careful here.
      I’ve been working on recovery for at least 7-8 years.  I was totally helpless when it came to slot machines and I was the most in debt I had ever been in my life.  Just buying toilet paper and other necessities was tough.  I felt jealous as my mom, who was also my gambling partner, could buy whatever she wanted without a second thought while I was struggling with the basics. I was at the point where suicide seemed like the only way out because I was powerless and could not stop myself from gambling…from losing.  I tried self exclusion but the local Indian Casinos didn’t honor it, I asked many fellow gamblers about starting a gamblers group but they started avoiding me instead….anyway I tried many things and what finally helped was cutting up my debit card, making sure I did not have pin numbers for credit cards and requested the casino not accept checks from me.  It wasn’t easy. I felt very isolated, shameful and worked hard hiding my secret gambling life from my friends and co-workers. There were many times I was frustrated that I couldn’t access money to gamble but I was always thankful later.  I had about $20,000 in credit card debt and my life seemed to be going nowhere. (I only make about $30,000 a year so it was a huge amount). Finally I was able to string many gamble free months together and just start feeling good and mom and I would plan a casino trip.  I was doing so good, had some debt paid and over a thousand in savings so I ordered another debit card.  We hit 3 different casinos that weekend.  I was so embarassed when my small local credit union called me Monday morning questioning if my debit card had been stolen and I had to admit it was me. I haven’t had a debit card since (about 5 years now).  I was sick about gambling the money I had worked so hard to save. With the help of God, I was able to pay off all my debts and build up a sizeable savings.  But, I’ve had some gambling binges along the way.  I’m proof that even though you haven’t broken away 100% don’t quit trying because it will happen! I did gamble once in October (or was it November?) and hit a good bonus and didn’t gamble any of it back.  That’s a huge improvement. If someone told me it would take 7 years before gambling wasn’t a big issue in my life I would have been overwhelmed.  Just getting through ODAAT is the key.  I did gamble a couple of times in 2012 (and none were enjoyable…not even walking out with a small jackpot because it was a black cloud hanging over me until it was all spent on Christmas and other ‘good things’.) and I’m hoping for a clean 2013. I feel I’m finally at a the point where I have a free choice and the addiction isn’t so strong. Gambling urges are not like they used to be. It’s not the continual struggle to get through the weekend without gambling.  But, if I do gamble the urges are right back the next few weekends.  I never want to forget the terrible lows of gambling so I can always be thankful for my life right now.
      Having a gambling addiction is a very lonely disease and I’m so thankful for the friendships, prayers and inspiration here. It’s been life changing and a life-line for me. 
       

    • #11595
      p
      Participant

      Hey there
      Just passing through in the middle of the night from the other side of the world while i cant sleep. Hope you are well today
      P

    • #11596
      neva
      Participant

      I’m going to spend some time with mom today.  I haven’t spent any time with her in January.  I try to stay away since she talks about gambling a lot.  We’ll go to lunch and I’ll show her the progress on our house.  I wanted to sweep and foam some open spots but guess I’ll still have time after I drop her off.  The heat ducts are there so the heat system will be installed next week.  I’m hoping the windows and doors go in next week too.  It’s really cold here and I feel sorry for the workers in this cold weather.  At least we haven’t gotten any more snow. I ordered a beautiful lodge wood and leather bench to go under a window.  It was $300 and I normally wouldn’t spend that much on a bench but we have wonderful views and I want it in front of a window (with a set of binoculars) so my family can sit, enjoy the view and watch the baby calves, wild rabbits, deer and other wildlife. I almost ordered two benches because we have lots of windows but thought I’d wait to see how this one works. Haven’t even gotten it but it’s paid for.  That’s the rewards of not gambling…being able to spend $300 on something you want instead of shredding it in a slot machine and trying to make up for it by living frugally the next few weeks. I don’t want to ever go back to the gambling life again…and I don’t have to.  The choice is mine and the greedy Indian casinos can stick that in their pipe and smoke it!  ha ha
       

    • #11597
      vera
      Participant

      Well, "Neva", here I am, still hiding behind "Vera"!
      Would you believe I met her lately….I am sad to say I actually met lots of " Veras" and "Nevas"lately, one more bedraggled looking than the next.  Whinging and complaining about the machines and still blinded to the real problem! Thats what gambling does to us, "Neva". It tears our lives apart and leaves us sick and soulless.But "WE" know better ! We have been given the tools and the chances that others never had so "to him that much has been given, much will be expected" (Those words are haunting me all day) Just looking into the real  "Vera’s" eyes should have been enough for me, but it wasn’t ! ………
      Maybe TODAY I will see beyond the illusion, the mirage , and maybe when I "wake up and smell the coffee"as Geordie reminded me , I will look around and see reality as you describe it.
      A life without gambling has given you such wonderful rewards Neva. All you ever wished for and you deserve the lot!    A house on a hill with an idyllic view and the knowledge that as a free woman you will enjoy every moment in your new home!
      What good would it all be, if you were to spend your future in a casino, stuffing dollar bills into machines that will turn you into the real "Neva"!
      What a waste that would be!
      Gambling has no place in my life or yours! Today!
       

    • #11598
      cat438
      Participant

      Hi Sherrie, it is interesting that we have so many similarities in our recovery, both having 7 months free last year, and the last time I gambled was November 1, 2012.  Another thing that I found interesting that we have in common is that no one knows about my gambling addiction either.  My hubby knows.. and I have gone to the Addictions Foundation for individual counselling, but I don’t tell anyone.  I did tell a close friend that I have to watch, but I did not go into the full story.  I have also been working more on socializing with friends.  Also working on getting hubby to start socializing with me more.  Baby steps and changes happen. It is interesting to hear how your house is coming together so please keep posting about it.
      I have been having a yucky day today, feeling a bit down in the dumps and not feeling like doing anything around the house.  I am doing the laundry though.  I have been extremely busy at work though and I think I just need some down time.  I am not getting any younger LOL  I am also helping out with a fundraiser for my friend’s daughter who has cancer.  She is the one who had the twins and they are 10 months old, but things are not looking good for my friend’s daughter.  It is heartbreaking to think she will not be around to see her babies grow up.  I really have to work hard on Let go Let God when I think of the situation as it just seems so unfair. 
      I hope you had a good visit with your mother and that she did not talk about gambling too much.  I know that would be a trigger for me to sit with someone who was talkig about gambling.  I am happy that the only person I went gambling with – a family member – and when she talked about gambling I changed the subject – she has stopped talking about it with me… and I thank God for that.  We will take it one day at a time Sherrie – and I am not thinking my goal is reaching my longest stretch of gamble free time… I am thinking about a gamble free life!!!!  One day at a time is all I focus on though.  It is interesting as I can go through stretches of not thinking about gambling at all… then other ***** I struggle to get gambling out of my mind.One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11599
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Thanks for your support Neva. I wish you the best too in recovery. We will beat this one day at a time !!!!!
      Ps. You have a lovely writing style

    • #11600
      neva
      Participant

      Yesterday I took mom to the house and then out to lunch.  She complained a lot.  Is that something older people do?  Her constant complaints weren’t about anything big but they were stressful. The soup is too spicy.  The fog is too thick, how are we going to see?  You didn’t park close enough to the curb.  On and on.  I took her home after lunch and then met my husband with lunch to go.  We went up to our property so he could load a big bale of hay to feed after work. I also worked on our income taxes.  That isn’t fun but I’m happy for turbo tax where we just fill in the blanks. 
      Vera, your words gave me chills.
       "But "WE" know better ! We have been given the tools and the chances that others never had so "to him that much has been given, much will be expected" (Those words are haunting me all day)"
      We do know better.  We know from repeating the same insane behavior over and over yet we still choose to gamble again.  Hopefully, it is less and less until we can finally break free. Recovery might be a lost cause for the Neva’s and the Vera’s but it’s not too late for any of us. We have the tools and the desire and the goals for a gamble free life. Don’t lose sight of your goals…getting your life and soul back. 
      Cat, I’m the same way too about going stretches without thinking of gambling. I think the longer I go without gambling the less I think about it but then the crazy thinking pops up and I forget about why I wanted so desperately to stop the madness, how I couldn’t walk out until there was no money left, and how low and dispicable I felt afterwards.  There was a time where I felt I could never stop gambling as long as my mom was alive.  I tried many years ago to stop but mom would always minimize my problem, suggest we go gambling and loan me money to gamble. Kind of like waving a bottle of alcohol under an alcohlic’s nose.  So, I just avoid mom as much as possible.  I feel guilty because she is getting up in years but I really think she tries to entice me into wanting to go to the casino.  She either doesn’t get it or she wants me to suffer along with her.
      Today is all we have to get through.  I have my day planned out and it won’t include the casino.
       

    • #11601
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Neva
      You have made a lot of contributions in your time here my friend, you know what to do and how to do it – you must focus on these urges; when they occur, you cannot give in – nothing physical makes you gamble, only mental and this can be worked through. If you have had a bad day, no problem – tomorrow will be brighter. If you feel terrible urges or a desperation to recover what you have lost, accept that by trying to get them back will only lead you to losing more. As you say, its insane behaviour, we all know it

      You must keep learning, keep building on what you have achieved so far. Think everything through before you even remotely contemplate starting again – all the pain, stress, misery – the minute you press that button for the first time, you are pressing it to release all of those feelings. Remember that, tell yourself that continuously my friend, over and over until you can’t think of anything else.
      My Mum can be a right pain in the B***, but still love her to bits. She is 75 now and complains about everything I do. I just filter out the moaning now and just agree with everything she says. Its not worth arguing. Yep, shes the best driver in the world, I’m the worst, why did I buy this or that etc etc etc …..she is like a battery that never loses its charge . Just accept you Mom for who she is. She doesnt realise she isnt helping you, she means no bad intentions.
      Take care Neva and just for today lets not gamble x

       

    • #11602
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Neva: Lovely that you spent time with your Mom … even with the whinging, lol. Moms do that sometimes, I guess, but nonetheless. Enjoy her. I lost my mom 12 years ago this April, but I still have my lovely Dad, so I feel blessed. I’m sorry that she entices you to gamble. I do think it may be a bit of misery loves company. I don’t believe that she loves it, sounds like it may make her feel bad, but then she justifies it when you join her. It’s really, really hard for seniors, especially when they feel there isn’t much else that they can do. Still, she sounds like a lovely lady … I pray she finds other avenues to enjoy her time too. Continue to do the great job you’re doing of taking care of yourself and your husband. Your new house sounds idyllic … what a lovely thing to look forward to. All the best for a wonderful day for you my friend. Love, RG.

    • #11603
      vera
      Participant

      ‘Hoping and praying that you will stay away from "hellville" this weekend Neva (S)!
      Im off today. No money except the price of a trip to the hairdressers if I can muster up the energy to go. Working Sunday and Monday. Lent begins next Wednesday ( Ash Wednesday) so I intend going on a fast from all the "good things of life" including gambling!

    • #11604
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Neva)))! The house you are building sounds dreamy! I can visualize sitting on the bench looking outside and feeling deep satisfaction, while you oversee your property. We live on ten acres that overlooks a river valley and I never tire of the view. I love nature and seeing deer sometimes with their newborns gives me a sense of awe. I love watching the birds I feed every day, and feel good that I’m helping them survive the winter by providing them with a reliable food source. We see the occasional bear and bob cat, as well as rabbits, coyotes and moose. We once saw a whole bunch of fireflies at the wood edge and it was truly magical. My granddaughter and I saw three otters making their way back to the river. We have slept outside on lounge chairs in sleeping bags close to the fire and watched the Northern Lights. My granddaughter and I used to explore the river valley and once saw a whole field of wild marigolds in the early spring. It was truly breath taking!! I know the country life is not for everyone, but for those of us that love the solitude and quietness, it’s priceless! Both of us have been truly blessed! Carole 

    • #11605
      neva
      Participant

      Thanks Uncontrolled, Running Girl, Vera and Carole for taking time to offer help in my recovery.  Uncontrolled and RG, you are both right about enjoying the time left with my mom.  I’m going to talk to her today without being irritable and on edge.  She has a very active life (much more than I do) where she plays bunko, pinochle, has Bible study and lunch on Thursdays with the girls.  Some of their pinochle tournaments last until the wee hours of the morning.  She’ll turn 77 in a couple of months and looks about 10 years younger. She has a large group of wonderful lady friends and a boyfriend that adores her…most of the time.  Anyway, I took a long look at myself and am trying to be a better person towards my mom and my co-workers…not matter how irritated I get. lol
      Carole, your country home sounds amazing.  I can only hope mine will be as relaxing and enjoyable.  I am already picturing the lawn chairs lined up towards the clear northern sky.  I’m looking foward to having my family spend time and feeling like they are pampered and loved and want to keep coming back.  We’ve lived in a 1-bedroom house for too many years…guess that’s the price we paid as a compulsive gambler so now it’s time to move onto a better life.
      Vera, there is no choice (or money) to gamble this weekend!  I do not have any cash or access to cash just in case I get a crazy thought and I think not being able to get money to gamble helps keep the thoughts and urges away. I also have another insurance to keep me out of the casino.  My husband’s uncle just started working there again.  He used to work there and I remember walking out of the casino in the early morning hours and he acted so surprised to see me.  I was very embarrassed and stayed away for a long time.  Well, he’s back and I wouldn’t want to risk him seeing me again.  My gambling addiction isn’t known to many people and I sure don’t want my husband’s family thinking any worse of me! 
      Thanks for your prayers.  I’m sending them back to you as well for a gamble free weekend. 

    • #11606
      neva
      Participant

      It’s a muddy mess on our property right now but I drove my little car through all the slush, mud puddles and mud bogs.  Those young kids with the 4-wheelers would have had a blast.  Not me though, I don’t like being pulled this way and that as I try to keep an even speed to get through our 40 acres.  At least the hill up to the house isn’t like that.  I took my camera today and as I was taking pictures, I felt like I was being watched. On a near butte I could see a huge bald eagle.  I looked but thought it was just too big be an eagle and it must just be a rock formation jutting out.  Then it turned it’s head so I zoomed the camera in and got a picture.  It’s the biggest eagle I have ever seen.  They hang around at calving time for the leftover afterbirth.  I’m so glad I got a picture so my husband can see it for himself.  He says sometimes they sit quietly on a fence post waiting and they are pretty darn big…but this one was a monster.
      Got some good pictures.  All the windows and french doors have been installed. (no handles or locks yet though).  I’m worried the constuction workers might have to wait for the road to dry out before they come back up so things might slow down.  The electrical panel is in and looks good…like I know anything about electrical stuff. lol
      RG, I did my best to not get irritated at mom.  She talked about the casino and that she is going to an out of town casino with 5 of her friends the end of the month.  They’re spending the night and I’m sure they’ll have fun. I tried to tune out the casino talk but then she got on how much it’s going to cost to have her tooth fixed and everything one dentist told her and then what another dentist told her…finally she was running out of tooth talk so then it went to her city water garbage sewer is going up and ‘us seniors’ just can’t afford that.  She doesn’t realize that we’re all in the same boat together.  Mom’s social security and the 2 pensions my dad left her is a lot more than I make a month so she is very fortunate. I didn’t tell her today, because I’m trying to be nice, but I have told her before that the real thief cutting into her living/spending money is the casino. Maybe someday she’ll realize that on her own.
      Hope everyone had a great gamble-free Saturday.  I did.

    • #11607
      cat438
      Participant

      Hi Sherrie, just catching up.  It sounds as if you are going to have a dream home soon.  It must be wonderful to see all the parts coming together.  I think your story about the stool you bought at $300 was great, as can you imagine how you would have lost that in the Casino and more and not thought twice about it.  Now you are going to be able to sit on your new stool/seat and look out of your new home and enjoy the view.  I would imagine it is a more pleasant view than any casino.  It must be difficult for you when your Mum talks about gambling – as I know when people talk to me about gambling – or even if I hear an ad about it – some***** it gets my thoughts going there and it is tough to get your thoughts focused on something else.  It is tough if your mother does complain lots about different things.  I lost my Mum when she was only 61 so I did not get her at that age.  It is difficult when you are with someone who complains lots – whether your mother or anyone – it can really pull you down.  Keep thinking positive thoughts and ******** your blessings as they complain – that is what I am trying to do!!!!  Although I can get down and complain at ***** as well.  I notice that when I am tired I am a bit like that.  Keep doing what you are doing – you are doing awesome!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11608
      neva
      Participant

      Thanks Cat!  I didn’t mention that I told my mom I wished she wouldn’t talk about gambling and she said ‘I know you’re not gambling, and I’m very proud of you, but we’ll plan on going to the casino around my birthday in May’. All I could do is roll my eyes and bite my tongue.
      On to another week of work. Hope everyone has a great gamble free week.

    • #11609
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Neva: Thanks for your post on my thread. Good work on keeping your cool with your Mom. I can’t imagine how tough it must be for you though. We have so many hills to climb with this gambling nonsense. You’re lucky that you have work to look forward to. I’m having a really tough time not working, but I take responsibility fully. I really should have started looking earlier. Anyway, here’s to a gamble free week. All the best. RG

    • #11610
      neva
      Participant

      Guess I have windows 8…but my main problem is typing and then the words move and I’m typing somewhere I don’t want to. I think I’m probably bumping the mouse pad on the bottom of the typing keys. Cat, you are so right about always keeping your guard up.  Glad you didn’t gamble! P, tooth hurty is funny. I’ll have to remember that one.
      I have a hair appointment in the morning with the same older lady who turned the top of my head orange in December.  I’m giving her another chance.  She sounded so happy when I called her. It’s only hair.  The only thing I’m worried about is how long she’ll take.  I don’t want to be in there for 3.5 hours like last time.  I really think she will do a good job this time…at least I really hope so.
      I ordered, and received and paid for, some bar stools for our house.  That’s my gift to myself for another month of not gambling.  We need them anyway but I’ll look at them and think that’s $450 well spent instead of going in a slot machine in February. They are still in boxes so I haven’t actually seen them but I know my money went for good.
      Vera, I have been eating healthier than ever! It’s only been a short time but it’s been so easy knowing it’s for Lent and doesn’t have to be forever…although I am hoping it’s forever!
      The construction crew is putting siding on our house today.  Last week was the insulation.  I hope next week is the sheet rock. The framers were Russians, the insulation guys were Hispanic and my husband didn’t know what the siding crew was but he said ‘European’.  He enjoys meeting so many nationalities and is very impressed with their work. I try to stay away when the work crews are there.
      I’m tired. Think I’ll fix dinner and go to bed early.  Hope everyone has a weekend without gambling.
       

    • #11611
      bettie
      Participant

      hi neva,
      looks like things are coming along. i bought my kitchen chairs at a restruant supply store because i bought a vintage kitchen table and wanted cool dinette chairs. i love them and they will last forever.
      things are getting better for me. can’t wait to shower!
      bettie

    • #11612
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Neva:  It is so lovely to hear how well things are going for you.  Going to the hairdresser, buying new furniture, eating healthier, you must be feeling wonderful.  I am so proud of you and so happy to read of your progress … it is really encouraging.  I must say, you are braver than I for going back to the lady.  Although I’m sure she will be extra careful with you now and you will look fabulous in the end.  I have been coloring my own hair over the past year, due to my no-work situation, but I must say I’m pretty impressed with the results and people are not sniggering at me on the streets.  Could be that they’re just being kind and averting their eyes to the disaster, lol.  On the recovery front, I’m still hobbling along, but I’m pleased that I have so many more non-gambling ***** than gambling days and I’m spending less and less each month.  I plan to continue until I can say that I am completely gambling free.  Here’s to a wonderful weekend.  Love, RG– 3/2/2013 3:33:12 PM: post edited by runninggirl.

    • #11613
      maverick.
      Participant

      Hi Neva, It is good to hear you in good spirits and without a shadow of a doubt those bar stools are a much better investment than the alternative, just wanted to drop by and say wish you all the very best and hope you have a nice gamble free weekend, take care love Maverick.

    • #11614
      p
      Participant

      Hi Sherrie
      Good choice on the bar stools, way to go. Thank you for posting the mindfulness stuff here. I appreciate it
      P

    • #11615
      neva
      Participant

      A sad weekend.  One where I would normally escape to the casino.  My son-in-law’s younger brother killed himself early Saturday morning.  I’ve spent the past few days crying, keeping the grandkids happy, making sure my daughter’s family and all the in-laws have food and everything they need so they can concentrate on making arrangements and getting things sorted.  None of them live here so they are all staying at my mom’s house (mom stays with her boyfriend anyway) wish we had our house finished. I’m doing everything for them as if they were at my house.  The 32 year old suicide victim lived with us for a few months when he was about 17 years old.  He was a pleasure to have in our home.  As he got older, that charismatic, handsome talented young man was diagnosed with mental illness and his immediate family knew it was only a matter of time before they would get ‘the call’…but that doesn’t make it any easier. People are shocked because they only saw him as a fun-loving happy guy. He hid it very well. Please pray that he finally has peace and that his family finds peace too.  
      My granddaughters were picked up by my daughter’s friends so they could play with her kids.  I have a couple of hours before I need to pick my granddaughters up and the sad thought of going to the casino popped into my mind.  I didn’t have the urge to gamble…I just didn’t want to go home alone and I wanted to give my son-in-law’s family some private time because their mother just got into town. Going to the casino sounded too sad so I am home waiting for my husband to get off work. 35 more minutes.
      Too much death, too much suicide and too much pain.  Just for today, I’m not going to add to the destruction by gambling. The funeral is Wednesday so it will be a few more tough days.
       

    • #11616
      cat438
      Participant

      Dear (((Sherry))), what a tragedy for the family.  Mental illness is so tough for anyone to deal with, such a tragedy for a young life.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and their family as they are dealing with the death of their loved one.  I can’t imagine what they are going through. I have heard that a suicide death is one of the most difficult to deal with, as you ask yourself if you could have done something to stop it.  You are correct that going to the casino or gambling would not help anything, but I could see why you would want to go and escape from everything that is going on around you.  I think with you keeping busy helping with your Grandkids, and making meals/food it will help keep you away from the casino.  It seems so senseless when we hear about a death by suicide, however, mental illness can cause so much pain to the person who is afflicted with it.  I know in Canada they are really working hard to educate people on mental illness and getting help.  I suffer from depression off and on and sometimes I need to go on medication and I hate it, but when you hear of these tragedies, is taking medication really that bad.  One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11617
      icandothis
      Participant

      (((Sherry))), My prayers are with you and your family.  You are doing everything you possibly can under the circumstances. 

    • #11618
      vera
      Participant

      So sorry to hear of this awful tragedy, Sherry! Suicide is such a difficult legacy to handle. Over the past 15 years, there were two suicides in our extended family. Both men. Both fathers of families. One **** related, it seems. The other one was never "clarified". The man in question hung himself on the morning of his daughter’s wedding…..He was my husband’s cousin.
      May this young man, and all who took their own lives rest in peace. I will pray especially for the mother of your son-in-law’s brother RIP. She must be broken hearted. I find this increasing trend very scary. Society is gravely lacking and we have to live with a lot of answered questions.
      Gambling would have left you totally devastated Sherry.
      The family are blessed to have your support.
      God grant you the strength to deal with this sad situation!

    • #11619
      ready2change
      Participant

      Sorry neva to hear the sad news use will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow God bless

    • #11620
      Anonymous
      Guest

      I can only say S …..your in my thoughts x
      No words can express my sympathy.
      Wishing you infinite strength…………….

    • #11621
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Neva
      I am so sad to hear your tragic news and my thoughts are with you and his family.  My thoughts for you include staying gamble-free during this sad time.   Reality hits us all at different ***** in our lives and facing it with strength is always hard but there is no real escape for any of us.  Gambling is a fantasy escape for CGs that only adds more pain when reality returns.
      Stay strong
      Velvet
       

    • #11622
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Thinking of you and your family at this time Sherry, so sorry to hear such tragic news.  Take care of yourself and remember we cannot control what others choose to do.  Debbie

    • #11623
      bettie
      Participant

      Hi Neva,
      So so sorry to read the news. You may remember I have a gf who lost her name sake 28 year old niece. My friend is still in so much pain. The girl left a note-saying her mom was pure evil. The mom has mental illiness and I guess it’s safe to assume the daughter had it too.
      Some things in life make no sense.
      Just remember we have no control over people, places and things. We can’t save people unless they want saving.
      I am very sorry for your loss and I will say a prayer for all of you.
      bettie

    • #11624
      neva
      Participant

      My life is getting back to normal.  The funeral was huge and very nice…if funerals can be ‘nice’.  There were over 500 people in attendance. The 6 days leading up to the funeral were tough for the family.  Everyone was exhausted. I hired a house cleaner (my husband’s aunt) to clean mom’s house after everyone left. I gave her a hundred dollars because it was short notice and I know she needed the money.  All this time without gambling has made a HUGE financial difference in my life.  It felt great to be able to leave a hundred dollar bill for her without feeling strapped…or without having the money ear-marked for gambling. The night before, I loaded all the dirty towels, bathroom rugs and sheets (at mom’s house) and took them to the laundry mat.  I wasn’t sure if I had enough cash so I asked mom if she had any quarters but she didn’t have any cash at all.  It was the day she has lunch with her friends and goes to the casino so I should have known.  My heart broke for mom because I know the feeling all too well of spending every last dollar at the casino.
      As I looked around at all the people at the funeral, I wondered how many had ever considered suicide.  I know most of us gamblers have had it cross our minds but I think lots of people have their demons and suicide, if just for a moment, sounds like a better option than living. Many people said they had no idea he had ‘dark ****** because he was always happy. He was very charming and good looking.  The young girls loved him…I think older ones did too. Just goes to show that you never know the struggles anyone else is going through.
      Here it’s March 9th and my calendars were still on February.  It’s like my normal life stopped last Saturday morning, and after a week, it started up again.  My plans today are getting some groceries, checking the mail (it’s been a week since I’ve been to the Post Office too) and cleaning up around our new house.  There are lots of scraps from the construction workers.  It’s a beautiful day today so it’ll be nice to get outside.
      Hope everyone has a gamble free day and a day that makes them happy.

    • #11625
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Sherry,
      Thinking of you on this special day and your mom. You are inspirational. Keep up the great work girl and keep posting. You really help my recovery. We can beat our demons !!!!!!! Keep smiling.
      Ed

    • #11626
      vera
      Participant

      True Sherry!
      There is no shame in starting over!
      The shame sets in when we try to hide our shame by using the only technique a Cg knows, i.e. by continuing to gamble.
      Of course we can only hide until the money runs out. Then we have the added problem of stress caused by further debt, lies and self betrayal…I ve been thinking a lot lately of how I have betrayed myself so many *****.
      It’s up to us whether we want to set ourselves free or remain slaves to this addiction Sherry.
      The whole gambling scenario based on a crazy illusion!

    • #11627
      maverick.
      Participant

      I agree there is no shame in starting over, in fact it takes courage a lot of courage and in all honesty one of the main reasons I keep coming back is due to the help and support I receive with battling my addiction, take care and wish you well Neva, hope u r well love Maverick.

    • #11628
      neva
      Participant

      It’s great to see that there has been a lot of posting activity this week. I’ll read and post tonight or in the morning when I have more time…but wanted to post while I had a few extra minutes.
      We had a set of twin calves this morning.  We rarely have twins so it’s kind of exciting.  They are small…about the size of a medium dog.  Momma cow had a little girl, cleaned her off and let her nurse and then the baby boy was born and she was too tired to take care of him.  My husband put him in the calf warmer (a big ******* covered bin with warm air circulating). I ran up at lunch and he was curled up with his big eyes staring at me when I lifted the lid.  My husband took his lunch at 3 so he could bottle feed him.  I went up after work and rubbed him down to get his blood circulating.  He loved it.  I tried to walk away but the little thing bellowed, jumped up and ran after me.  I’m getting ready to go back up and bottle feed him at 7:00pm.  Can’t wait to be moved in our house so we don’t have to drive back and forth.
      Mom called me at work and said her friends went to the casino yesterday.  She was ‘up’, or so she said, so she went to her favorite machine and couldn’t do a thing. I don’t know how much she lost but I think it was a lot. I felt so sorry for her and she said ‘it’s best to not even go in there.’  I know that feeling too well.  All the expectations before and during and then the disappointment and regret after. 
      Every time I walk into a casino, I walk out a loser.  I hope we all make the choice to not walk into a casino, not sign on to any gambling site and not wager a single bet…and we’ll all be winners.
       

    • #11629
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi Neva, Yes, I was thinking about some kind of alarm for my condo, but it would have to be inexpensive!!!  How exciting twin calves!!!Seize all the good things in life

    • #11630
      kathryn
      Participant

      Hi Sherrie,
      Those little calves sound absolutely adorable….trust the male to be a mummys boy!!!! 
      I suppose in a round about way your mum reminds you of that awful feeling of leaving the casino.  The poor thing, we know how it feels, i may not have a lot of excitement in my life, but i sure dont miss that feeling one little bit.
      Ive just come home from my trip away,it was lovely and soooo relaxing, we spent a few hours every day lolling at the spa, absolutely magnificent!
      Well, enjoy your day
      Love K ***
       To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #11631
      vera
      Participant

      Just looking in to make sure youre safe, Sherry!
      Those calves sound amazing.
      Don’t think I’d like farm work though! I ll stick to the humans!
      I feel so sorry for your mom Sherry. Does she know about this site or GA. She ***** help but you will not be the person to give it to her.
      I will pray thay she sees the light soon!

    • #11632
      neva
      Participant

      Kathryn, there is no chance the male will be a momma’s boy because she won’t accept him at all…she knocked him to the ground when he came around her. The baby girl is all she cares about. I’ve learned that a good mother some***** doesn’t love all her babies! The calves are a little over 24 hours old and both are doing good.  We have 27 calves and 9 more left to be born.  If one of the babies doesn’t make it, my husband will graft this baby on.  If not, we’ll be bottle feeding 4 ***** a day for the next 6 weeks. 
      Vera, my husband is the farmer and I only help with some things. Next month the cows will be turned out to range and my husband will be putting up hay instead of feeding and calving.  Yes, I feel bad for my mom and you are right, she has to find help from someone besides me.  Nobody could have convinced me to quit gambling until I was ready and willing myself.  I have a migraine so I unplugged the phones, took a pill and laid down.  Mom was frantic that she couldn’t get ahold of me so she drove by the casino…I live just as close so she could have driven by my house but her real worry was that I was gambling and I hadn’t told her. I know the losses are finally affecting her but she still doesn’t think she ***** to quit.  At 77 years old, her motto is ‘I can’t take it with me’ so that’s her excuse to keep gambling.
      I can only work on my own recovery.  I’ve limited my time with my mom because she talks too much about gambling and our habit, for at least 12 years was gambling every weekend. So, for my own protection, I avoid mom.  She has plenty of other friends that will meet her at the casino.  I hope my mom has many more healthy years but I gambling saps life’s joy and I hope she makes a change.
       

    • #11633
      kathryn
      Participant

      LOL Sherrie,
      I was referring to YOU as the momma!!!!!!!
      Love K *****
       
       To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #11634
      sherrie
      Participant

      OMG It sounds so much fun looking after that baby calf. I wouldn’t be able to walk away. I did lambing once and apart from the fact that they poo’d orange poop all over me it was super fun and cute. I am jealous.
      Good to see you posting and taking steps to distance yourself from gambling talk and stuff.
      Take care of you
      Sherrie
      xoxoxo

    • #11635
      icandothis
      Participant

      Neva, So many good things in your life to distract you from gambling.  Or is it, there are so many good things in your life, and gambling would only distract you from them?  Either way, I am so happy for you.  I love hearing about everything.  It inspires me to hold on.  I know there are good things coming for my husband and I, even if I can’t see them and I have no idea what they might be.    Only one good thing I know for sure will be coming today.  A gamble free day! 
      We are not destined to make the same mistakes as our parents.  You are destined for something better than your mother’s motto of "You can’t take it with me?   When we leave this earth, we leave so much more than our money!   

    • #11636
      libbie
      Participant

      Hi Sherry–Just dropping in to say hi…I really will take to heart that I cannot stop posting and reading even if I slip..There is NO other way but to come back and keep fighting..I don’t even know a fraction of the reasons that spur me to go out and gamble again but this is a place that helps me pick the fight up again…I am 7 days in…It’s been a struggle a lot of the time…but when I read how others struggle and make it through, it is an inspiration to spur me onwards…and when I see people are struggling even if not doing so great, I at least feel I am not the only one!..I am thinking about excluding myself from the last casino within reach (still 2 1/2 hours away – some reach–non-gamblers would think it insane to drive that far)..Kind of a big step for me..
      All the tips that you and othesr post DO help..
      Have a nice day–I am at work today so no chance of gambling for now! 🙂

    • #11637
      neva
      Participant

      LOL Kathryn…I am getting really attached to that little guy! I’ve tried to attach a picture but it won’t stick. I’ll try again later. I wish you could all see him…yes, I think you’re right Kathryn, he’s a momma’s boy.
      Sherrie, ***** are a lot more work than calves are. All babies, no matter human or animal, are special and cute.
      Ican, my mom is trying to justify that is okay to gamble. She knows it’s costing too much money and too much wasted time but, I know too well, it’s hard to stop. Her savings account is linked to my house account (because she put me as an owner in case she dies)and I can see her taking out money every month even though she has a very good income with no bills. At least she has a lot of good activities going on and the gambling is only one or two days a week and an out of town weekend every couple of months. One of her best friends quit gambling a year ago. Maybe mom will turn to her if she wants to quit.
      Libbie, everyone uses different means to gamble so only you know what will really help you in your recovery. Self exclusion is fantastic but also protect yourself from accessing money is a double insurance policy. It’s sure kept me from losing too much when I’ve went over to the gambling side.
      I’m going to try to add a picture of the calf from last night…if I can figure it out.

    • #11638
      neva
      Participant

       
       I spent a lot of time trying to paste a picture.  Anyone have any ideas on how to do it?
      edited to remove e-mail address.
       
            
       
       
       
      — 4/7/2013 7:10:17 PM: post edited by neva.– 4/8/2013 1:47:30 PM: post edited by neva.

    • #11639
      vera
      Participant

      OMG!
      How many pints of milk are in that bottle Sherry?

    • #11640
      neva
      Participant

      LOL.  Vera, I know it looks huge but he’s only drank the whole thing one time but we fill it just in case he wants more.  I just looked and it’s 4 pints. He’s been ***** under a lean-to most of the day.  I hope he’s okay.  Sometimes a mother disowns her baby when she knows there is something wrong with it. We’ll see.
      PS Just got back from the last feeding of the day and the baby was running and bucking and feeling good.
       — 4/8/2013 3:37:57 AM: post edited by neva.

    • #11641
      cat438
      Participant

      Aww I just loved the picture, and I know it looked like a big bottle of milk, but when you think of a calf they are not tiny animals so they will need lots of milk.  Sherry, I am just concerned about your email being on the site, you should maybe edit the page and remove it.   It is wonderful to see how far you have come with your gamble free life.  Your focus is on other things on your posts now and not just on not gambling.  I am so happy for you. You really have put barriers in place to protect yourself against this addiction/disease. WTG Sherry!!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11642
      neva
      Participant

      Thanks Cat for the reminder to remove my e-mail address.  I feel everyone on here is a friend but I wouldn’t to risk my anonymity either. 
      My husband and I were standing in our new house, looking over our property and feeling so incredibly blessed.  Only another cg will understand this…but I am just as grateful for the miracle of another gamble free weekend.  Of course having my debt in order and being able to build a new house is the direct result of all the years of working towards recovery.  As Monday morning went on, I kept thinking about how my life used to be and Mondays were the ‘day of reckoning’ after gambling all weekend.  It was almost a relief to get back to work so I would have to stop gambling. Today I felt some guilt…did I gamble this weekend? I didn’t but there is something nagging at me. Maybe it’s just the thought I could be sucked back in so easily. Money is going out really fast.  I know it’s all for important things but I’m feeling like I did when I gambled…I don’t have any control and the money is flying out. I told our painter that I would pay him cash…as a friend instead of business deal.  I owe him $900…after I paid him $300 already.  I’ve been hanging on to $450 for a couple of weeks.  Barriers are very important and I know having cash in my possession isn’t smart.  I hope he can start painting before next weekend so the cash isn’t in my hands. Don’t you think $1,200 is a lot to paint the inside of an empty house?  I bought all the paint and primer but he’s using his equipment.  He’s a professional painter and I know ***** do a good job…besides his wife is a sweetheart and I’m happy to help them out…I just feel it’s a lot of money.  My savings account will be zero soon. That savings was my security and I hate to let it go.
      Even when things are good there is always something to worry about.

    • #11643
      ready2change
      Participant

      Neva great to hear your house is very nearly ready. my father built my ma and das house just over 40 years ago he built it after work for 2 years and they bought stuff when they had the money as they went along my mums father gave them the site as a wedding present all my sisters were born in a different house they were renting i was born in the house my father built it its my spirtual home i love going back down and staying in it from time to time. My father cant read or write but can do anyting with his hands he was a great worker and we we are so proud of him hes a good man.Hope your we calf bes ok he sounds lovely God help him. Sherry try not to worry your money is being spent on really productive things your doing great adaat

    • #11644
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Sherry
      Don’t think about the cost of the paint job. It is what it is. ***** do a great job and its better than going to the slots  !!!
      Just appreciate what a beautiful home you have. Having a zero balance is OK, so long as it was not caused by gambling !!!!
      Keep smiling
      Ed

    • #11645
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Sherry:  Sounds like a fair price to me if he’s painting the whole house.  And as everyone says, it’s money well spent.  Rather on pretty, fresh walls than in those nasty, greedy machines.  You are doing well, my friend, and your renewed zest for life shows with every post.  Keep focusing on what really matters.  Love, RG

    • #11646
      neva
      Participant

      Thanks everyone.  I know it probably sounds petty to complain about money when I’m in the best financial situation I’ve ever been in my life but the savings account was the measure of how I was doing in the gambling fight.  After I paid off over $20,000 in credit debt, I started a savings…then I gambled it away.  Wishing I had that money back, I started saving again and put a lot of barriers in place to protect that money and as the savings went up, I felt secure knowing I couldn’t get to it for gambling. Guess the savings has been a barometer of my gambling recovery…and while it’s going down, I’m worried I’ll go down with it.
      Recovery is very fragile, an addicts self esteem is very fragile and it doesn’t take much to ‘lose’ it.  I know these feelings are fleeting and I’ll still keep all my barriers in place AND GAMBLING WILL NOT MAKE ANYTHING BETTER.
      On a happier note:I get the 7:30pm feeding. The little guy is like a kid.  His evening feeding takes a long time because he drinks a little, runs and bucks, eats some more, checks out the dog and then comes back for more.  It’s hard for him to concentrate on eating because there is too much going on and he’s full of energy. The other feedings are quicker.  He’s a cutie.  Don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat beef again!  All new life is amazing…even a baby calf.

    • #11647
      vera
      Participant

      Hi Sherry!
      I hear what you are saying about watching the savings dwindling..that money was both your reward and proof that a non gambling life is worthwhile. Now, as you watch it disappear you no longer have evidence of recovery. Your incentive not to gamble seems to be dwindling with that fund. I can relate totally to that feeling. It would cause me to panic and feel insecure too.  Look at it this way Sherry. You may not have financial evidence but you have your house and that is some thing you will never be tempted to use for gambling. Money for a CG will always be synonymous with gambling. Holding money in any form always brings a risk. That is one thing I know for sure. No money=no risk. But it also means no opportunity, Sherry. Think about it carefully ! Maybe somewhere, very deep in your unconscious mind that money gave you a feeling of (false) security that should you ever want to indulge in gambling again you had a "slush fund" that you could call on. Now the reality is really hitting home. Not only is your savings account almost empty but your option to gamble no longer exists. Just my thoughts Sherry! Its like when you go on a diet the wardrobe of clothes you had paid a fortune for over your "fat" years no longer fits but the outcome of the diet had greater benefits! A new slim you! In your case you not only gained a fabulous new house and home but also a rewarding alternative lifestyle to the life you spent gambling; wasting money in an attempt to gain freedom. Its complex, yet simple when you look at the wider picture!
      All the wise Gurus tell us that dropping our attachments brings freedom from our desires, Sherry!
      Maybe you need to look at your desire to hoard money. I know I certainly do!
      Where is your attachment to money coming from and where will it lead if you are not fully aware of it?
      Well done on honing in on this desire. Food for thought for every CG , I would say!
      "The root of all sorrow is desire, and the uprooting of sorrow is desirelessness!"
       
      (PS my hubby wants to know why you are feeding that calf from a bottle? He said they used buckets of milk to feed calves!!)– 10/04/2013 12:30:50: post edited by vera.

    • #11648
      maverick.
      Participant

      Neva, always good to read your words and life, easy to say but just keep chipping away one day at a time, you know as well as me it will all come together, we are what we are but we can also be what we want to be, I class you as a true friend and thank you for all you help and support, so keeping doing what you know works for you and within doing that life will all fall into place, take care of yourself and will always wish you all the very best in your recovery and also life, take care love Maverick.

    • #11649
      neva
      Participant

      Maverick, your words are a breath of fresh air with all your positive and caring posts. Some of us have bruised souls and reading such support helps more than you know.
      Vera, if I was walking across the field with a bucket of milk, half of it would slop out before I even got to the poor calf!  A bottle is much easier.  The calf has a natural instinct to head-butt the mother’s udder…and he does the same thing to the bottle. It’s went flying more than once although now that he’s older, he grabs on to the bottle and doesn’t let go until it’s empty.  One head butt and I would be wearing the bucket of milk…and it’s too cold for that.
      I’ll be handing over the rest of the cash to the house painter on Tuesday and hope that $900 isn’t too enticing that I would take any of it to the casino.  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t risk it but the thought of cash being available is scary.  I’ll be glad when it’s gone…to the right place. 
      Vera, you’ve made some very good points, as always.  I don’t think I need a savings in case I want to gamble (and I keep barriers so I can’t get to it).  It’s more to make sure I don’t have to charge things, in case the car breaks down, in case a really good deal comes along and my husband wants to buy.  I hate ‘asking’ for money from a credit card or person…I hate being/feeling broke.  Too many years where gambling kept me destitute and I bought cheap toilet paper and didn’t waste money on paper towels.  Talk about living during the ‘depression era’, I have but it’s from my own doing and I don’t want to be that poor again! Now I buy brand name toilet paper and always have paper towels…little things now but big deals when you’re broke.
      Just typing all that renews my resolve to not step foot in a casino this weekend. 
       

    • #11650
      vera
      Participant

      Food for thought keeps our minds active Sherry! It’s always good to share our thoughts and reflect on our true motives!
      Like you, I hate being broke but when I have money I tend to spend it on the wrong things sometimes. Above all I HATE being in debt but I will be for another few years to come so I just have to accept my lot in life!
      I suppose thinking someone leaves because of something we said is a form of self flattery! We don’t really have that power at all! lol! I do know though that CGs (and people in general) can be sensitive and in weak moments I have gambled as a result of what I perceived as being ignored or overlooked. All my own issues I know but being aware of the underlying reasons for our actions is a good thing. ..
      Nobody has the power to hurt us, unless we give them that power!

    • #11651
      neva
      Participant

      Having so much cash available made today tough.  Funny how knowing cash is in the next room that the gambling urges pop up…but I kept busy and reminded myself that my husband’s uncle would see me if I went to the casino.  Met my husband for lunch at 2:00 and then went to Home Depot to price primer and look around.  There is so much to look at, so much I would like to buy, but I need to see what our cement work will cost before I buy anything else. Fed the bottle calf and then we picked up an order for dinner.
      I put the $900 for the painter in an ******** and sealed it shut.  I’m going to have him meet us tomorrow so we can show him where the water valve is and then I’m going to hand over the cash.  I just can not have cash in the house.  It’s a trigger. I’m sure ***** appreciate being paid in advance.  Money is already tight right now and to waste any of it at the casino would be insane. I am so scared to go back in debt! But the insane thought of making a little money keeps popping up in my mind. The sooner I get rid of this extra money the better.
       

    • #11652
      ready2change
      Participant

      isnt it funny how cash becomes a real trigger for us but you are very aware of this Sherry and your taking no chances paying the painter in advance im picking up some greater pointers from this forum and your advice on barriers really does help me. enjoy the rest of your weekend

    • #11653
      ready2change
      Participant

      isnt it funny how cash becomes a real trigger for us but you are very aware of this Sherry and your taking no chances paying the painter in advance im picking up some greater pointers from this forum and your advice on barriers really does help me. enjoy the rest of your weekend

    • #11654
      neva
      Participant

      Thanks ready2change for the encouragement!  Can’t believe it’s Sunday already.  No big plans.  Feeding the calf at 2:00. I’ll be taking mom with me…but I’ll take the dog too so no chance to go to the casino.  Later today I’ll take the 18 gallons of paint and 18 gallons of primer to the house. The 5 gallon pails are very heavy so I’ll wait until my husband gets off work at 5 to unload them. Hope to meet with the painter this afternoon so I can dump the cash.  I keep checking to make sure the ******** is still in my purse even though I haven’t left the house.  So much cash makes me nervous!
      Mom is going with her friends to a ‘free’ casino weekend starting Friday.  She says she is only going to gamble just a certain amount.  Poor thing…there is no such thing for a cg to stop once they start gambling.  She seems different the past few years.  I don’t know if I see her differently since gambling isn’t such a big part of my life or if it’s that she is getting so much older.  I’m sad about it because I don’t know how much time she has left and I’ve limited our time together trying to break away from gambling.  We’ll spend a few hours together today.
      I ordered some shelf liner and an under-the-counter-pull out- garbage system.  It has a smaller back container and larger front container.  When we move, we’ll separate cardboard (burnable), food waste (compost) and all other garbage (to the dump). That’s going to be a big change for us.  We’re not having garbage pickup…at least at first so we’re trying to be ‘green’…hope I can do it! 
      Hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday afternoon.  Don’t waste a second of it sitting in a dirty smoky casino! Life as so much more to offer.
       
       

    • #11655
      cat438
      Participant

      Sherry, you sound as if you are so busy with your new home and feeding all your baby calf’s.  Do you have any *****?  If so I am coming to visit you at lambing time as I want a pet lamb!!!!  It is wonderful to see you so focused on something and not gambling.  WTG Sherry!!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11656
      neva
      Participant

      Cat, ***** and lambs are cute but they take a lot more work so we don’t have any. The calves are doing great and are a joy. They are happy to see us every feeding.  I’m sure they are just happy to be fed but it feels like they like us.  lol 
      Mizzindepentent, I’ll look for a thread for you.  If you start a thread, people will respond and help you.
      Our laminate floors are in.  I’m not crazy about them.  Anyone have any ideas how to make them clean and shiny?  They are okay but I like shine across the room.  Maybe furniture and stuff in the house will help.
      The gambling thoughts popped up this afternoon.   I have no idea why today I had the urge other than it’s a weekend.  I came home and took a nap instead.  I feel rested and best of all, I have no gambling regrets.  I did have to think it through and imagine myself walking in with a hundred, frustrated as each twenty disappeared, a run home to take more money out of the painter’s stash, finally getting part of the money back but still playing until it was all gone, not getting home to feed the calves in time and walking out…a loser as always. Instead, no regrets, no scrambling to make the money up before the painter starts and ending the day a winner. 
      Hope it was a great Saturday for you too.

    • #11657
      redoit
      Participant

      ***** Neva, thank you for creating this thread and reading it helps me a ton! I am a CG who has stayed clean now for 3 weeks! I am coming back here knowing that I need to get help, and get past the thought of fixing it on my own. We all know that doesn’t work!
      Your thread resonates because my wife and I have bought our first house. The fact we bought a house is shocking, as her help and enforcing limitations (no cash, etc) has made the purchase possible. God knows that I am blessed to have her!
      Congrats on staying clean and keep sharing!

    • #11658
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Sherry:  Thanks for your post on my thread.  I am so happy that you stayed home and were there to feed those lovely babies on time.  Can you just imagine their sweet little faces peering around wondering why their human Mum had abandoned them?  That a good enough reason to stay away from gambling and keep your head in the game of life. 
      You’re right about the exhaustion and the thoughts popping up because of it.  When I drove home from visiting my Dad today, I was more than a little tired.  It takes over an hour one way, then I do his laundry, spend a few hours with him and some*****, like today, take him for a little drive in the sunshine. May not sound like much, but when you put it on top of a day of cleaning at home, helping with homework and doing my home’s laundry, it’s exhausting.  So, on the drive home, the thought of gambling surfaced again.  I was a bit sad that I couldn’t, but then very angry that I had to deal with the bloody stupid urges … and all that emotion exhausted me more.  I was completely toasted by the time I got home.
      I’m going to turn in now and read my book and relax.  Busy ***** ahead.  Have a wonderful, productive and happy week.  RG– 5/6/2013 2:39:11 AM: post edited by runninggirl.

    • #11659
      akapmat
      Participant

      Neva, wanted to say thanks for your positive comments on my thread. Glad to read you are doing well with your new house and animals.

    • #11660
      neva
      Participant

      I went to Home Depot to pick up a garbage disposal and get a stack kit for my washer and dryer.  The girl that was so helpful and smiley when I ordered thousands of dollars in appliances had a different attitude today.  She asked when I was going to have them delivered and I said in two weeks, she cringed and turned away, so I said I thought they would be delivered after our house was finished and she said ‘I just did that as a favor and thought you’d be done by now!’. I was shocked but I sent an e-mail to our builder to see if I can have them delivered now.  The only reason I ordered when I did was because she called me and said I’d better order because something was going off sale.  Oh well…I can’t do anything about it today but these little things get me.
      Off to feed the babies and drop the disposal off…just had to vent.
       

    • #11661
      bettie
      Participant

      Hi Sherry,
      Just wanted to say hi!
      I loved feeding the calves on my unckles dairy farm! Such a treat for a city girl!
      bettie

    • #11662
      neva
      Participant

      Hi Bettie, thanks for taking time to say hi. The calves are really cute and they are so funny.  I was holding one bottle and the other one somehow found my pinky finger and sucked away.  The twin is a male black angus and the bigger female is a red angus with white on her forehead…just in case you want a mental picture.  We don’t have to hold the bottles because we have a holder that hooks to the fence but sometimes it’s fun (therapeutic somewhat) to just feed them by hand.
      Mom called and said she had a free motel night plus $50 for her birthday and I agreed to take her at the end of the month. I felt sick about it all day but she called and said it was for a casino 4 hours away and not the one an hour and a half away. Things happen for a reason. On the way home, after feeding the babies, I looked towards the casino turn and silently thanked God for the direction my life is going.  I’d be a fool to ‘spit in God’s eye’ (as Vera says) and contaminate my good life by gambling.
       

    • #11663
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Do not spit in anyones eye Sherry    !!!!
      As you so very rightly say, ‘ I’d be a fool to ‘spit in God’s eye’ (as Vera says) and contaminate my good life by gambling. I’d be a fool to ‘spit in God’s eye’ (as Vera says) and contaminate my good life by gambling.
      Keep writing and well done in recovery !

    • #11664
      cat438
      Participant

      Sherry, it is awesome hearing about your baby calves and you definitely gave good descriptions of them, and also I can see how it would be therapeutic as you feel needed when you are feeding them.  Also, when you are feeding them you are probably living in the "now" you are enjoying what you are doing at that moment.  You sound so happy in the post about feeding your calves!!!
      We are going to see our grandsons in a couple of weeks and I am so excited about that!!!!  We see them on Skype, but it is not the same as actually seeing them and getting a hug!!!!  Take care Sherry!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11665
      vera
      Participant

      It’s bad enough spitting in God’s Eye, Sherry but driving your mother to a casino 4 hours away for 50 lousy dollars is definitely a big no no! lol!
      Well, Im off to work in half an hour. Night duty for one night then back on days on Thursday.
      I’m getting too old for this Sherry. My time clocks are haywire!
      Prayers needed please!

    • #11666
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Sherry:  Thanks for your post on my thread.  The renovation is almost there — had to take one cabinet back to the cabinet maker and have him make adjustments.  Still need to grout the backsplash and then put the transitions on the entrance floors.  Then, we’re all done, except for window cleaning etc.  I’m hoping we’ll wrap things up by the weekend.  Hubby is fitting it in where he can during the workdays. 
      I’m so glad to hear that your in a good space in your marriage.  Since I’ve stopped gambling, things have calmed down a great deal.  While there are still the occasional flare ups, there isn’t the tension that there used to be around weekends.  I’m hoping that eventually things will get much better as our financial situation improves.  Finances put such an enormous strain on marriages. 
      I love hearing about those baby calves. I can almost picture them and how cute and cuddly they must be.  I just love all baby things. 
      It must be very difficult to manage the thoughts of your Mom going to the casino, especially when she’s asking you to go.  You mentioned that it may be difficult to resist around your birthday this month (do I have that right?).  I know how that feels.  In March, around my birthday, I always feel "entitled" to go to the casino.  It saddens me that it seems to be the only thing that gives me pleasure.  I have the same sense around all holidays and special days.  It’s awful really … gambling has ruined too many of my special *****.  Mother’s Day is around the corner and there are thoughts of gambling at the fringes of my mind.  Of course, I have nowhere to go, thank God, unless I suddenly leave the province (highly unlikely, lol!!)
      Right, time to go and make dinner.  Hubby went to pick up boys and take them to the gym.  I’m going to make something healthy like tilapia with brown rice and salad. 
      Talk soon.
      RG

    • #11667
      icandothis
      Participant

      Hi Sherry,  Thank you for asking about me.  I am doing fine.   We have had the leaks fixed (hopefully) in our house and the walls and ceilings repaired.  Stripping wallpaper, painting.  I will have to thank Debbie.  We painted our bathroom purple, and I love it!   We help each other here at GT in many ways!  My daughter graduated from college last weekend, and we had a BBQ for about 10 family members to celebrate.  So proud of her, and the best part is she starts her job next Monday!  I am helping my friend with a bridal shower for my son’s fiance.  I designed and just finished printing a sample invitation to show my friend.  So cute!  The theme of the shower is 50s housewife.  On a sadder note, a friend of mine passed away suddenly and unexpectedly last night.  Her service will be this Thursday.   I still can’t believe it.  I keep thinking about how we have to live each day the best we can and enjoy!   Lately, I have been focussing on doing just that and giving myself a break.   Take care, Sherry.  Can’t wait till your moving day! 

    • #11668
      ready2change
      Participant

      hi Sherry thanks for your post its great to see your name up around the forum again i know you wernt away long but you were missed your so supportive of us all your a good woman! take care

    • #11669
      neva
      Participant

      Just a quick post to say I haven’t been gambling…like I used to when I disappeared from posting.  Been so busy with the house.  We should be in next weekend but I haven’t chosen an internet service yet so don’t know if I’ll be back for a few weeks.  I had a wonderful weekend with my sister’s family.  My life is in a great place right now.  I know it’s all possible because my time and money isn’t being consumed by gambling.  Happy Mother’s Day to all.
       

    • #11670
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Sherry)))! I know the joy of baby calves as we had a calf here from Danny’s brother’s hobby farm, whose Mom had ****. We bottle fed him twice a day, and he would drink the whole bottle of milk in about a minute. I think that the one calf who was mimicking your actions has imprinted you as its Mommy, and believes you are Mom. Maybe you can teach it to give you kisses.  You do sound very busy with the construction of your new house and everything else you do. Busy is good with some self-care thrown in for good measure. There’s nothing new under the sun when it comes to gambling for us cgs. Watch our money spin around until we have accessed and lost every dollar we can. I know I don’t want to live the way I used to, which was hellish in the throes of my addiction. We have EVERYTHING to lose and nothing to gain with gambling. Carole 

    • #11671
      p
      Participant

      Hi Sherry
      Glad you have not been gambling in your absence from posting. Well done. Just get the picture of those cute baby calves whenever i see your name on here and that little one following you round. I agree with Carole i think it has adopted you as its mum now. Hehe, so cute.
      P

    • #11672
      neva
      Participant

      We’re moved into our new home.  I love it and feel so blessed every time I walk in the door. It’s been hectic though and we still have to get our little house emptied and cleaned.  We might have a buyer but I don’t want to show it until it looks as good as it can.  That will be a relief to get rid of it!  We’ve had a ton of company but I think this weekend should be quiet. I’m hoping to get the windows cleaned and all the sticky things off of them. We still need to get the patio poured and a side walk.  money money money…but money well spent.
      I was so happy to see payday today.  I think I’ll run to Home Depot and get a window cleaner kit with a long handled squeegee.  I’m just popping in to ****** you that I am not gambling and just taking care of things.  Life is really good for me at the moment.  I hope the same for all of you.

    • #11673
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Proud of you Sherry !!!!!!
      Odaat

    • #11674
      neva
      Participant

      I feel like my life has been on hold for many years…living in a house too small to have my family over, dragging clothes to the laundry mat for a few years and living in a house I was ashamed of.  I’d still be there if I kept gambling like I was.  Now I feel like I am actually living.  I love having a home I am proud of and friends and family coming by.  I even had one of my self centered co-workers come over to set up the magic jack.  Of course his main interest is to hunt on our property but I paid him $20 and gave him some trail mix and assured him there is no hunting allowed…I want the wildlife to feel safe here.
      It’s been really windy and stormy this weekend but I still managed to get the windows cleaned, a table and chairs almost ready to set up in the house, all the drawers and most of the cabinets lined…even though I can’t seem to cut a straight line.  Anyway, I got a lot done this weekend and still more to do.  It’s rewarding to do the things I should be getting done instead of wasting time and money in a casino.  Life is good.

    • #11675
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Sherry:  I’m having a great time reading all the positive posts tonight.  Just finished reading all Kathryn’s good news and now your wonderful, upbeat post.  I am so happy for you that you have your dream home and are finally enjoying it to its fullest.  I can only imagine how lovely it must be with all that land and the wild life on it.  Thank you for not allowing hunting.  I love all animals and the thought of hunting for sport breaks my heart.
      We’ve had a lot of winds and stormy weather this weekend too.  Seems to be a pattern everywhere today.  One of my sisters who took a job in Nigeria recently says they had wild weather with lots of crazy lightning there too today.
      Have a wonderful week Sherry and well done on continuing to be gamble free.
      Love, RG

    • #11676
      cat438
      Participant

      Sherry for some reason I was thinking about you this morning – and I got this big smile imagining you in your brand new home.  It is so awesome to see you so happy and having a positive focus away from gambling.  How is your hubby feeling about being in his new home?  I am sure that as you walk through your home you want to pinch yourself to see if you are dreaming.  Now that is a better feeling than leaving a casino in despair and hating yourself!!!!  I know that you are busy as well with all that you want to do now that you have moved into your home, but it is a good busy!!!  Enjoy your wonderful gamble free day!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11677
      neva
      Participant

      Thanks RG and Cat for your posts!  My husband had to moves some cows early this morning and he asked me if I’d feed the bottle calves so I **** myself out of bed fairly early and walked down the hill. I spotted a little one in the field with the horses…a small black baby trying to nurse off of a horse.  It wouldn’t surprise me if Bud, the smallest calf, would try that but the horse wasn’t getting irritated. So I got closer and realized it was a brand new baby foal. Black with a white star on it’s forehead, long legs and just newly born. My husband hadn’t mentioned that she was bred so I was very surprised.
      It’s already noon but I have the bathrooms cleaned, floors vacuumed and shining, laundry done (of course it’s pretty easy to do all this in a new house) and the table hosed off.  I’m planning to have the table top refinished this weekend.  It’s drying in the sun.  I need to pick up some stain and varnish this afternoon.  If the table and chairs don’t look as good as I’m hoping, I’ll have to look for a new set.  I’ve spent too much money lately and don’t want to buy another dining room set.
      Hope everyone is having a wonderful gamble-free weekend.
       

    • #11678
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Thanks for your post on my page, Sherry.  I am glad you found the video useful.  So sad, isn’t it.  I don’t want my children to feel that way about me — ever.  Also frightening was the notation that when children see you gambling for a long time, they become more prone to the addiction.  Awful thought.
      Don’t worry about the time and ********.  GT is a great gambling deterrent for me.  It’s not a bad thing to not want to let people on here down — it keeps me honest.  I don’t ***** daily thankfully, and I wish I could be even less aware of the time … maybe in time, lol. 
      Anyway, I hope you’re having a wonderful weekend.  I’m trying to get some cleaning done, but finding any and every distraction to keep me from it.  Time to get serious.  Enjoy that pretty home and that gorgeous land.  Love, RG

    • #11679
      neva
      Participant

      Got the table done and moved into the house. The French doors sure made it easier to get it in the house.  It’s okay but I don’t love it…but I don’t want to buy a new one right now so it will do.
      This weekend was a 100% choice to not gamble.  I have $500 cash (saving cash to pay the guys that do our patio), picked mom up to spend some time with her and knew the casino topic would come up.  So, I made sure not to take any cash with me, mom wanted to go by the casino to get a free lunch for both of us and her $10 cash reward.  I told her I wasn’t going to gamble and she says ‘Heavens no, I don’t want to gamble either".  We went through the dark dingy building, past all the sad souls losing money, past the tables of bingo players and into the restaurant.  I felt sick and told mom that she could order but I didn’t want anything to eat from here.  On the way out, mom found the machine she lost hundreds of dollars on last Thursday but someone was playing it so she quickly sat next to it and put in a twenty.  She was staying up past her twenty, got up to $60 and handed me twenty to play the machine next to her.  Well I know that playing even one bet would turn me into a crazy lady and I’d be running home, taking money out of the safe and hating myself.  I said ‘NO, once I start I can’t stop’. Mom looked surprised but kept playing. We were there less than an hour (a record for us), mom cashed out $120 a head, we went to Subway for lunch, Home Depot to shop, my house to look at the new baby and Dairy ***** for an ice cream cone on the way to take her back home. It was a very good day…mainly because I made the choice not to gamble. I’m feeling extremely thankful today.  I think watching RG’s you tube video that morning made a difference. The chance to gamble keeps popping up but I know as long as I don’t make that first bet then there will be no chance to make the second and third and on and on until hundreds of dollars are gone.
      Better get something done today.  Actually I’m surprised how much I have been getting done on most days. As I’ve said before, I feel like I’m finally living life.
       

    • #11680
      cat438
      Participant

      Sherry, WTG on choosing to not gamble!!!  I am the same way as soon as I put one cent in those machines I am lost and cant control myself.  I don’t know if I would be as brave as you going to the Casino as I know after I went and looked around last week, and it was only for about 5 minutes that as I watched people playing those machines I could very easy have chosen to put money in.  I chose not to gamble, but I don’t trust myself enough to go in harms way too much either.  I know that I have to always remember not to put that first cent in a machine!!!  I hate the feeling once I have gambled and then I have continual urges and the cycle starts all over again!!!  YUCK  I really don’t want that life again, but I know that just like that it can happen.  I am a compulsive gamble and always will be – there is no cure!!!
       One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11681
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Thanks Sherry for cheering me on today, on my thread.  Much needed and much appreciated.  I admire your strength in being able to walk past all those machines.  Something I honestly don’t thing I would ever be able to do in this lifetime.  (OK, maybe MUCH later … IF I stay on the straight and narrow.)  I am going to pray for your Mom, that she finds peace and joy in other things.  I think it’s truly disgusting the way casinos exploit older people by sending them perks, picking them up for free, etc. etc.  There’ll be a special place in **** for the marketers who dream up ways to get seniors into casinos.  On that rather dark note, I’m going  to turn in for the night.  Have a wonderful and productive Tuesday.  Love, RG

    • #11682
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Sherry)))! Your new house sounds dreamy, and I’m so happy that you and your husband have been blessed in such an awesome way. I know that you’ve both worked hard for it. On one hand you have the choice of a wretched life of gambling and a dream house. It would seem to be a no brainer, but so many of us have gambled enough money to pay cash for a house. Your Mom seems to be a cg and is either kidding herself or trying to kid you that she isn’t. That takes some kind of fortitude to sit beside your mother and not gamble. Way to go (((Sherry)))! I know you don’t want to disappoint your Mom, but maybe it’s not such a good idea to have any meals at the casino, or redeem any enticement the casino sends. Just my thoughts! Carole

    • #11683
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Sherry:  Just bumping you up from page three.  Please pop in and let us know how you’re doing in that lovely new house with all those cute calves.  Thank you, as always, for your support.  I’m feeling bad about letting myself slip in my recovery on the past weekend, but I’m going to have to let it go.  So, this is the last time I’m going to mention it.  .  Anything new coming up for the summer?  Any holidays planned?  We don’t really have plans except possibly camping in a couple of weeks.  We’ll see how that goes. 
      Talk soon.
      Love, RG"I ***** him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” – Aristotle

    • #11684
      stanciulete
      Participant

      Hey..please help..you are an example…i need therapy..i lose my family…my girl..future wife…i need..money..i’m 0 always becouse if i had..i gamble…i need your advice please..you are a model for me..i will give you my facebook name if you agree to help me…please..

    • #11685
      stanciulete
      Participant

      Hey..please help..you are an example…i need therapy..i lose my family…my girl..future wife…i need..money..i’m 0 always becouse if i had..i gamble…i need your advice please..you are a model for me..i will give you my facebook name if you agree to help me…please..

    • #11686
      desdemona
      Participant

      Hey (((Sherry))! I am just checking in to see how you’re doing, as it’s been some time since I have been able to do so. I see you haven’t posted since June 23th I believe. it does sound like you have a lot of work with the new house and getting the old house ready for sale, not to mention the farm animals. If you don’t like the way the table finish turned out, why not do what I do and put a table cloth on it. Way cheaper than buying a new table down the road, and you can change the look any time you want.  Carole 

    • #11687
      neva
      Participant

      Thanks Running Girl, p, Carole and Stan for posting on my thread.  I’ve been MIA…and the a stands for ‘action’ as in gambling.  I gambled a few ***** in July and each time I lost progressively more.  Mom has finally made a choice, along with me, to stop wasting our money at a casino.  We’ve promised each other that we won’t gamble until the new casino is built next year…that’s all we can work on for now.  Instead of depositing his share of our bills into our joint house account, my husband came home with cash.  I asked him to please not give me cash anymore but he handed me cash anyway saying he didn’t have a deposit slip.  He doesn’t need a deposit slip!  So, I have cash this weekend and am pretty sure I won’t gamble but don’t like the temptation. The past month’s gambling cost too much money that could have been used for so much good but I greedily blew it like money was no object…and it wasn’t while I was in the throes of gambling.  The only value money had was getting more so I could keep playing.
      I got up and cleaned house from top to bottom, did all the laundry and went to Home Depot and got some more landscaping supplies and went to work outside.  Now I’m done and tired and the thoughts of gambling are here…but the day is winding down and I should relax and enjoy my clean house.  The dogs aren’t happy though since I won’t let them in.
      I can’t do much more outside because the cement work isn’t done and won’t be done until September. That’s more money to come up with but it’s money well spent.  I’ve spent a good part of my adult life regretting that I gambled, wishing I had the money back and promising to never gamble again.  Here I am starting over again…I’m not complaining because life is so much more comfortable when I don’t gamble–even if it’s just for today. I’m just thankful that there is always support here when it’s our first day back…again and again.

    • #11688
      cat438
      Participant

      Hi Sherry sorry that you had some gambling action lately, but glad that you are back on track.  I know that if I go and play those machines just once, it is the same story and I am back again and again wanting more.  I have such a fear of going through that and not being able to get back on track.  I think that is part of the reason I stay away.  I am so glad that your mother has agreed to join you in recovery. One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11689
      vera
      Participant

      I was wondering where you were Sherry!
      I was wondering where I was…
      I always get anxious when you go off the radar Sherry. In a way I feel more secure when you are around. I can visualise you in your ***** and span new home locking out the dogs. ( Don’t forget to lock out the Fatcats too!) Put that cash in the frezzer, Sherry. Wrap it in a towel. You gave me that hint a long time ago!
      Where were we?
      All I know is where I AM, today!
      I am NOT in a casino. The day is young. I missed my usual trip to Dublin for early Mass. I will go to a different church for one pm, then I will come home and my son and hubby will be home from Dublin by then, and we will **** and eat and chat and maybe go for a walk , if I can muster up the physical energy and the mental energy to get some one to go with me…
      Going out alone is dangerous right now. Im leaving my ATM card here under my mattress when I go to Mass in case I am tempted to do a detour..
      one day at a time

    • #11690
      neva
      Participant

      LOL…Vera, I forgot about the freezer trick but thankfully I didn’t need it. My mom called and mentioned getting her $15 comp from the Casino and I told her it wasn’t worth walking into the casino for it.  Then I felt dishonest because I acted like I was determined gambling wasn’t going to happen when I was wrestling the thoughts myself.  As far as I know, we BOTH have made it through this weekend without gambling.  I know I have.  The thing about gambling (or stopping the action) is that I am so determined to change my life but then it’s like the destruction, losses and regret are forgotten and there I go back to repeating the same sorry story.  My concentration should be paying off the charge cards from buying stuff for our house.  Both cards are zero interest so I’ve been slack paying as much as I can (wasting money gambling instead) but this payday I paid all extra on a card and left nothing for gambling.  I still need to replace some money to the house account for the upcoming cement work but there is not enough money in one month to make up for all gambling losses (you’d think 1 month without gambling would wash out a month of gambling but it doesn’t).  Progress not perfection.

    • #11691
      libbie
      Participant

      Hi Sherry -I must say it is somewhat of a comfort to see I am not the only one who relapses..it’s just important to dust yourself off and try again..There is no other choice! Isn’t it something how we struggle so hard , reach a point of some serenity and go back out? It’s like being in labor (for the girls)…You forget the pain! But it is SOOO true that CGs just can never gamble normally..I will always keep on playing, whether I am ahead or not…which is why I can’t put in that first dollar!
      Hope you have an easier time starting again…We have to fight to the finish!
       

    • #11692
      neva
      Participant

      http://news.msn.com/crime-justice/pa-teller-stole-dollar90k-from-elderly-customers-accounts
      When I read things like this I feel so bad for everyone…especially the person so addicted to gambling that they would stoop this low to gamble.  It sounds shocking that anyone would embezzle but I can definitely see how it could happen.  Just a small amount at first with the thought of ‘winning’ it back but spiraling into uncontrollable debt instead.  I’ve never come close to ******** money but I have done things I thought I’d never do.  Years ago I was desperate to gamble and I called Chase bank to ask how I could get a cash advance and they gave me a pin number and I ran to the ATM and with drew $350.  A cash advance cost money–lots more than an ATM fee and interest starts on the first day. Then I did it again and at that point I knew I was getting in too deep so I called Chase and said I lost my card and cancel the pin number.  They sent me a new card and a new pin.  I cut up the card and tore up the pin before I opened it. I had to stop myself and thankfully, was able to do it. But, given an opportunity to get cash, and an unending need to gamble, who knows how far any of us would go once we get in too deep. I’m thankful that I did not gamble today and pray none of us ever go up the wrong road to feed our addictions.

    • #11693
      libbie
      Participant

      Oh Sherry===trips to the ATM…I have made a million! I don’t even have a credit card now – just a debit card…anything to limit access to cash helps..It is the same as people ******** to feed a **** addiction…and it feels exactly like a **** addiction (tho thankfully I don’t have that)..That woman in the article..her life will never be the same – consequences of her actions…another thing to think about before placing that first bet…and another reason to self-exclude..It really does help..
      Day 6 today
      Have a nice day Sherry and everybody

    • #11694
      cat438
      Participant

      Hi Sherry, I hope that your weekend was okay for you.  It was interesting to read the link that you posted as until I became addicted to gambling I would hear about these things, or read about them, and think how terrible it was.  I now understand how easy this could happen to anyone with an addiction.  I just think, but for the Grace of God that could be me if I did not start recovery.  I never did take any money that was not our own, but I feel bad that I lost money to gambling.  I think for me it is important to come here and see the posts and get the support of others, and support them as well.  We all understand how we can have gamble free time and other ***** we can’t seem to stop.  Take care!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11695
      icandothis
      Participant

      Hi Sherry,  Hope you are doing ok and enjoying your first summer in your new home.  I hope you have been sitting on your bench enjoying the view often.  Don’t let gambling take that away from you…what’s done is done.  Every day is a new day.  I thought of you as I am working on developing daily habits that serve me to help replace that big, bad one that doesn’t serve me at all.  I’m doing so, so.  I think it just takes time to develop good habits.  I am going to keep trying though…one day at a time. 

    • #11696
      neva
      Participant

      I love this lady.  Her blog has been a real inspiration.  Ican, I think you’ll get a lot from her too. 

    • #11697
      neva
      Participant

      I love this lady.  Her blog has been a real inspiration.  Ican, I think you’ll understand Peg too.
      too. http://recoveryfromgamblingaddiction.blogspot.com/
      Today’s post was just what I needed to hear.  Here it is in part…
      make your WORD the most important thing you have.
      your WORD is holy.
      keep your promises.
      don’t ever ***.
      be honorable.
      start small.

      but start.
      now.
      right this minute.

      it’s the only one you have.
       
      My word used to mean so much but over the years, because of my addiction, I couldn’t keep my word to anyone…especially not to myself.  How many ***** have I said ‘that’s it, I’m never going to gamble again’ or ‘I won’t gamble this weekend’ or "I won’t gamble today’ and as soon as the opportunity arises I’m on my way to the casino.  I want my word to mean something again.  It’s my choice and I’m starting today.
       

    • #11698
      neva
      Participant

      I’m insane.  I know I don’t want to gamble.  I’m sitting in my sanctuary (home) drinking coffee and enjoying my life…yet, escaping to the casino keeps popping up.  My husband gave me cash again, even though I keep asking him to deposit in our account.  My world here at home is peaceful and comfortable–so much different than the casino world so why do those ‘thoughts’ keep popping up?  It’s not even noon yet and I’ve got so much done but I’m not content to just enjoy it. Finally a weekend with no company, not a houseful to **** for or clean up after but I can’t sit back and relax. This is crazy!

    • #11699
      libbie
      Participant

      So–I KNOW what you are talking about…but here’s the thing…Try to play out exactly how you will feel if you gamble…You will feel badly, win or lose…Last time I went out, I won..I left a winner..and still felt Horrible after..I was *****, sneaking around, doing the wrong thing…and then the urges were even stronger after that..I just think there is no way to feel good after a gamble…This addiction is so awful..I hate it…
      Tell your husband to quit giving you cash! it would take your option away in the future…
      Sending good thoughts your way 🙂 (I’m struggling myself today, having come home from work with a free evening)

    • #11700
      vera
      Participant

      It’s so easy to gamble, Sherry…BUT
      It’s so, SO hard to STOP!!!

    • #11701
      neva
      Participant

      I replaced ‘other stuff’ like finishing the ironing and washing our windows. The windows I hosed off look better than the ones I squeegeed. Anyone know an easy way to clean out side windows?  They look great until the sun hits them.  Thanks Vera and Libbie…I know the routine well and that’s why it’s so crazy that I would even want to go there.  But I do know the longer I go without gambling the urges become less severe.  I just hate fighting the urges.  I’ve asked my husband to not give me cash.  He doesn’t get it…and if he does he must be trying to make it hard for me.

    • #11702
      libbie
      Participant

      Good girl..another day down..I stayed home and listed online..Someone gave me 200 (That is TWO HUNDRED)figurines to sell for them (I get half) and I am KNEE DEEP in these things..If this doesn’t keep me out of the casino, nothing will…I am obsessed with getting them out of my place!
      BTW, I started reading the blog you mentioned..I really like it and plan to go back and read more in the days to come..

    • #11703
      neva
      Participant

      I didn’t realize it was Sept 1st until I logged in this evening.  We have a 3-day weekend and I was worried I might gamble so I stuck all the cash my husband had given me in the bank, asked my daughter to come over and the weekend has been a busy blur with lots of cooking and cleaning up after the granddaughters.  It’s  been fun.  They will leave in the morning so that will give me some rest.  My daughter said they will be back next weekend too.  Next weekend will  be just as busy I’m sure.  
      My daughter motivated me to go through the contents of our storage unit and sort everything so we can clear out the garage.  It wore me out.  I even said at one point lets stop for today and we’ll get back to it when we can’ but she wouldn’t hear of it.  LOL  We got it done!  Lots of stuff to donate, lots to dump and still lots to take care of later (like pictures and newspaper articles). 
      Libby, I’ll get back on the lemon cleanse after Monday.  I’ve got dinner on, my daughter’s family went to visit a friend so I have a few minutes of quiet before the dinner chaos starts.  ha ha
      Hope everyone is having a gamble free and enjoyable weekend too.

    • #11704
      libbie
      Participant

      Hey girl–good job getting through the weekend gamble free!
      Cannot say I did as well..That warning I voiced on here re my day off..I went to the casino…did damage of course..I have to keep busy and since the breakup with my boyfriend and loss of some longtime friends (I am sure from the gambling), I don’t have enough of a social life..Now my son moved out of town..I have isolated myself I know and am not taking the steps to do anything about it..
      Since I went, I have just been working my a** off to try to recoupe, pay off more of my debt which I just made larger…I don’t really know what to say about it..Do I really need to numb myself that much from the life that I lead? I have been back to work and have hardly thought about gambling..Just disgusted with it and with myself.I love that I am not thinking about it, but I know it will not last.. Leaving Wednesday for New York to vist with my family there.I think I am dreading the trip that should really be happy one and instead…it was another gambling trigger..
      Planning on starting back on the cleanse tomorrow in some modified form..I have lost 3 pounds even though I am eating again..but will still look like a blimp next to my 5’10" size 6 sister-in-law..lol .
      I am sorry to come on here and admit to all this..was thinking I should just lay low til I can get some substantial clean time..I need to make that my life’s priority which I just have not done and am not sure I am willing to do.
      I hope to take some inspiration from your cleanout job..just translate that to these **** lighthouses all over my living room….! I have sold a bunch but it sure doesn’t look like it! 🙂

    • #11705
      neva
      Participant

      How much do lighthouses sell for? I am not a collector of anything anymore.
      My daughter and granddaughters just left so I’ve been trying to get my house back in order and then maybe take a nap…just maybe. They’ll be back (this time my son-in-law will be coming too) next weekend but I wish there was at least a weekend in between.
      I’m going to make the most of having today off.

    • #11706
      libbie
      Participant

      These lighthouses were $75 and up when purchased..On the secondary market, only go for $25 to $50..unless they are rare ones..I normally deal in antiques (which these are not)..I used to have thousands in antiques and I sadly sold them over the years to pay for you know what..yet another consequence of my actions..Y’know..I don’t drink much – does nothing for me and I don’t like how I feel and act if I drink a sip too much..so why isn’t it the same for gambling for me?
      Do you work full time during the week?..You do need some down time for yourself

    • #11707
      libbie
      Participant

      Het Sherry–hope ypu are doing well..Off on my dreaded trip..Just looking to get through it but maybe I’ll be surprised and will   like it..Low on funds which stresses me out to no end..I read that poverty lowers your IQ…Oh Great!
      Have a great day! My cleanse was too short lived and not very successful..Will try again when  home!

    • #11708
      vera
      Participant

      "Cleansing" sounds like a wonderful idea, Sherry. I need it in more ways than one, but if you read my comments on Libbie’s thread, you might see I’m not a suitable candidate for "punishment!"…I think I have self destructed often enough, but maybe I will see the positive aspects and try it out sometime when I can get time off work ( I don’t think it would fit in with my long hours)and from the sound of it, you would need to be very near a "public convenience" at all *****!!!!

    • #11709
      cat438
      Participant

      Hi Sherry, thanks for your post on my thread.  I am thinking you will have your daughter and her family this weekend so I am sure it is keeping you busy and away from gambling.  I am trying to work up the courage to try that cleanse you and Libbie have been doing.  It would definitely do me good.  I am busy working on de cluttering the house.  I am going through clothes that don’t fit YUCK!!!  I am getting rid of the ones that I don’t want that are too small, and picking out the ones I love and putting them in a ****** in the basement.  If I loose weight by next summer they will fit me, if not they go out.  Thinking positively they could be too big for me next summer, I can dream can’t I   LOL  I am also going through other stuff in the spare bedroom as for some reason I keep putting things in there rather than make a decision.  I think I am going to put all the stuff in the basement and I might have a garage sale next year.  At least I have started so that is progress.  Have a great gamble free weekend.One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11710
      libbie
      Participant

      Hey girl–you alright? Haven’t seen you on here for a bit…If you’ve gambled, post anyway! And if you are not and just busy…then good for you!
      As I wrote, my trip was good…look at all my angst and I think I gambled last time because I was stressed by it..It only harmed me big time, and I worried for nothing..Being home again will be hard for me I know..Back to my old routines..but so far I have stayed gamble free..
      Take it easy my friend…

    • #11711
      desdemona
      Participant

      (((Sherry))) I am catching up on your thread and see that you have been doing really well. My life is just starting to settle down after moving out. I got a new cat for my other cat so that he would have a companion when I start working.  The new cat only has one big blue eye, as the other eye was ruptured in a fight or something like that. He is absolutely gorgeous and part Siamese. They are house cats and both male, and actually liked each other very quickly. I applied for a couple of jobs but they are gov’t so the process of even being called for an interview takes weeks. My 4 year old granddaughter is coming to have an overnight with me on Wednesday so I’m excited about that. I don’t see much of my 20 year old granddaughter even though we both live in the city now. She is busy with university, but mostly busy with her friends. I may go to a GA meeting on Thursday evening if I can get the courage to do that. It’s meetings on the first three steps, but I hate going to unfamiliar places alone. I’m staying gamble free a day at a time. Carole

    • #11712
      neva
      Participant

      I haven’t been posting or reading because I’ve been going through some major personal problems and could barely function last week.  Life is full of ups and downs.  I pray I make it through this one.  Haven’t gambled.  Libbie, I haven’t been doing the cleanse because I’ve eaten very little…that is the only upside of this.

    • #11713
      neva
      Participant

      I didn’t finish my post, thought it disappeared and see it posted without me!
      Carole, it sounds like your life is falling into place.  I’m so happy that you have another beautiful cat and are finding peace.
      Libbie, so happy you had a good time on your trip and that you made it home without gambling!  Major victory.
      Vera, life is full of stressors.  If we could cleanse each one from our life before another one emerges, we might not feel so overwhelmed or damaged.  Life goes on…good or bad.
      Hope everyone has a good gamble free day.  Sherry
       

    • #11714
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Sherry)))! I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through huge personal problems. You have my emotional support. It’s awesome that you didn’t gamble through these trying ***** as it would wake up the urge to start compulsively gamble again, and none of us need that as it just creates so many problems. Sending you a hug through cyberspace, and hoping that things for you will be better soon. Carole

    • #11715
      libbie
      Participant

      Oh dear–hang in there..Sometimes we have to bear through tough things and hopefully come out stronger..Sending all positive thoughts your way..We are here for you!!

    • #11716
      desdemona
      Participant

      Cyberhug to you (((Sherry))). Thinking of you. Carole

    • #11717
      cat438
      Participant

      ((((Sherry)))) I am so sorry that your are going through some major personal problems.  I just wanted you to know I said a prayer for you!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11718
      desdemona
      Participant

      Thinking of you (((Sherry))) and hoping that you are doing as OK as you can be, whatever the circumstances you find yourself in. Cyberhug for you!! Carole 

    • #11719
      icandothis
      Participant

      Thinking of you, Sherry. I keep making a mess of things in so many ways. Tomorrow is another day. I hope it is better than this one.

    • #11720
      cat438
      Participant

      Hi Sherry, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and wondering how you are!!! Take care

    • #11721
      p
      Participant

      Hi Sherry hows things going lately, havent seen any posts lately and just wondering how you are.. hope you are ok

      P

    • #11722
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Sherry)))! I hope you are doing OK! Thinking of you! Carole

    • #11723
      vera
      Participant

      mental telepathy, Carole!
      My next post was planned for Sherry.
      I hope you are ok too Sherry!
      Give us an update soon.
      I’m forcing myself to keep up the effort to post on this “new” site.
      We owe it to each other and to GT.
      Every day I say “I wonder how Cat is doing”
      “What’s RG thinking about!”?
      “Where is Bettie?”
      I plan to read and write and then I get distracted.
      I can’t blame the new site for all my absences.
      Gambling and being bogged down with work issues have taken their toll too.
      I hope you will come back and tell us about your wonderful G free experiences, Sherry and if you have a different story, you know where all the good listeners hang out.
      We’ll be looking out for you!
      Don’t be a stranger!

    • #11724
      icandothis
      Participant

      Wondering how you are doing, Sherry. I am sure I am not the only one who would love to hear from you.

      Sending you good thoughts and well wishes.

    • #11725
      icandothis
      Participant

      Hey Sherry, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year! I hope you read this and know you are not forgotten. Take care my friend.

    • #11726
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Sherry)))! I miss you here on GT more than words can say. Hope you’re well and gamble free. I believe you are gamble free. Carole

    • #11727
      neva
      Participant

      Thank you all for thinking of me! I am doing okay. I’ve been mostly gamble free the past 4 months. 2013 has been an up and down year and I’m ready for 2014 to be a new start. The ups have been building a new house, having a great group of girl friends for support and being blessed with a wonderful family. The downs have been not making it the year without gambling and my marriage…but both are not lost.

      I’m hoping to start posting more. Also, I am not playing any free slots anymore. There are some things that I have no control over in my life but gambling is a choice and today my choice is to not gamble.

    • #11728
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Sherry)))! So nice to see a post from you. I hope you keep posting here, so we can share in your recovery journey. Way to go on mostly being gamble free time in the past 4 months. I would love to hear about building your new house. Carole

    • #11729
      icandothis
      Participant

      (((Sherry))) Missing you. Hope things are going ok for you so far in 2014. Thinking of you, as I have been trying to develop some daily healthy habits this year. Follow through is not my strong suit (lol) Progress not perfection. As we always say, one day at a time, which applies to just about everything in our lives! I hope things are going better in your marriage. My husband and I have hit some bumps along the road lately, too! Anyway, no pressure, but I would love to hear from you. If not, that’s ok too. Just wanted to let you know you are not forgotten and as always sending good thoughts your way. Take care, (((Sherry)))

    • #11730
      cat438
      Participant

      Sherry I missed your post at the end of 2013, but I am so glad that you posted and to know that you are okay. Well whatever okay is with this gambling addiction LOL How are the calves doing? I am sorry that you have problems with your marriage. I don’t think anyone has a perfect marriage as there are always ups and downs along the path. I know that it was an adjustment again with our marriage and I had a terrible time with the “empty nest syndrome”. If only life were perfect, but that is not the case. We just have to take it one day at a time. Take care and post again to let us know how you are.

    • #11731
      icandothis
      Participant

      Sherry, Would like to hear how things are going. I think people don’t always realize how important their posts are here. I just wanted to thank you for posting about the building of your house. It was a time when I felt my life was falling apart. To read about something new being built gave me hope. If you are struggling now, Sherry, there is always hope. Sending prayers your way.

    • #11732
      desdemona
      Participant

      I miss you (((Sherry)))! Please come back and post and let us know how you are. Carole

    • #11733
      icandothis
      Participant

      Don’t know if you ever come back and read posts, but I would love to hear how you are doing.

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