[kpat]

So I have self-excluded from the only casino near-by and that means all the casinos in the state. It has been 10 days. I feel like it has been a lifetime. I thought I grasped how bad things had gotten, but it seems things are going to stay bad for a long time.
I found this site the day after I self-excluded and have read many if the journals. They have helped some. I am consumed by thoughts of money, debt, and seemingly non-stop urges.
Slot machines are my true addiction, but I have spent 100 in a week on scratch-offs a fee times before. My husband and I always went together. He always waited for me to ask him and then the losses were more my fault than his. I won two jackpots in one night about a month ago and that was the worst thing ever. Instead if going home with $3500 we went home with $100. Then all the freeplay started arriving. We went 4 times in about 10 days. I called off at work one of the next days!
I am sleeping better, but the lack of money and bills piling up are making me crazy.
I didnt realize it, but I have been going to the casino about once or twice a month for the last 7 years!!
I have a good job, my husband works hard. We have so very little to show for all our work. I cant count the times we left that place saying we will hold each other accountable and we would never go back. Yeah right! We were close to forclosure on our house about six months ago. Now a payment behind. I dont know how we got to this!

Oh….yes I do! We had a nice backyard fire in our firepit about four days after our last trip. My husband had been tossing all the ATM receipts and check requests we wrote while at the casino into a drawer. We also had a stash in the glove compartment in my car….. we opened them one by one. There was our life. My birthday, our anniversary, lots if “date nights”.. sickening! Thousands of dollars in less than a year.

I seem to be having a harder time than him right now. I have realized that I have become a very lazy person. I am semi aware of how bad the debts are. I am just trying to keep the electric, water, insurance, and major bills paid. Cant deal with the credit cards just now. He says we will do a budget when things get a little bit more manageable. I think it will take at least a month of absolutely no spending to even begin to be able to budget.

I just back from the grocery store. It was awful. How to feed a family of four for 6 days on $45. We are taking our lunhes to work. We have two children, one is 16, the other 21. They know about our gambling and would beg us to stay home and not go. What kind of parents have we been?? We had the casino make copies of our self- exclusion letters (we chose the life-time ban!) They were very proud of us. How messed up is that?

It has been wonderful knowing I can’t go there again, but I think I have forgotten who I was before.

Sorry, my thouhts are so scattered. I guess that really shows where I am right now….scattered and a more than a little freaked out. I CAN NEVER GO BACK??!!!!
I am glad, but scared too!

[kathryn]

Hiya kpat,
Congratulations on your exclusion, it’s not an easy thing to do!
I’m glad you have found this forum, you will gain a lot of insight into your addiction plus ways to cope.
It’s difficult when you have a gambling partner…..I have one too and it is brilliant that you have excluded together and it sounds as though you are able to talk openly about your gambling.
The bills, well they won’t go away overnight. I think the best you can do is try and make some payment plans. Money worries were always one of my triggers which we all know is ridiculous as gambling causes more. Once you come out of the fog you will be able to think more clearly and come up with a realistic way to tackle your debt.
For right now, keeping busy is good, read and post here, it really does help. Your head has been full of gambling thoughts for a long time, it will take time for them to reduce, I know how you feel, we all do here.
Well done for reaching out for help, it’s a big step.
I look forward to reading more from you.
Take care, K xx

[micky]

Hello Kpat and welcome to our family, you will have awful horrible days now you have stopped gambling ,we all do so any time you need a friend post on here were all in the same boat as you and well done on self excluding thats a massive step on you and your husbands road to recovery one day at a time and you will get there 🙂 Micky

[kpat]

Thank you Kathryn and Micky for the kind responses.
We just got back from church and you would think that being there helps. Well it does, and I didnt think about gambling at all until we were leaving. As I got in the car with my family, I had the thought…now what are we going to do for the rest of the day. (Momentary strong thoughts of gambling, then remembered…oh yeah, cant we would be trespassing)
Of course many weekend afternoons, we would get the kids all settled with their things and my husband and I would take off to the Slots. It was normal for us to go 8 hrs on a Sunday.

Thinking to be home by 10pm usually not home until 2am and having to both work the next day. Almost always not leaving until there was no way to access more money. Worrying about gas money, lunch money for the 16 yr old and so on the drve home.
We had lunch at church today, a potluck, and somehow brought home more food than we brought. Thank God as are cubbard is close to bare. I am so glad to not have to live the double life today. Feeling like such a hypocrite was tiring and made me very ashamed. We should be able to help others who are less fortunate, but our gambling took all our money away. We have been terrible stewards. Not anymore! We will get this debt turned around and instead of giving 4k to the casino before Christmas maybe we will be able to help a family in need this year.
We will not be doing that again today. So it looks like The NFL games today and maybe some laundry.
Feeling good about the changes today.

[micky]

“Feeling good about the changes ” you said it Kpat, one day and a time and you will be fine . Micky 🙂

[Dunc]

<

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[kpat]

I feel like I just want to curl up and cry my eyes out.
I mean there are certainly stressful things going on in my life, but nothing to warrant the crap day I have allowed myself today.
We found out our 16 year old did lied to us over something that happened over the summer. It was bad. It hurt me, he’s 16. Right? Teenagers are sneaky. It wasnt criminal, just against our rules.
I have $18 in the bank. That really is awful, but we have food and gas enough until Wed. Just two days away.
Gambling has bothered me a little with thoughts. Mostly just the want to run away! Escape this terrible sadness. I listened to some uplifting music on my way home. Tryng to hand it over to God. I cried and sang along.

I just feel so crappy sad!!!! What the heck is wrong with me? I have all I need. I have a beautiful healthy family. I keep counting my blessings and yet can’t seem to make the joy stay with me.
I read some other journals and see right in front of my eyes that if this is my rock bottom then I am soooo blessed.
I havent lost it all. I just need to shake myself. Thank God I very easily could have lost my home.

This pity party sucks! Going to stop now and recount my blessings.
#1—-I did not gamble today
#2—-I have all I need for this day
#3—-God is in control…………….
This does help:)

[kpat]

Really hard day at work today. I was the only nurse in the office today. I work in home care and it can be quite stressful. It was great to be busy and not have time to think about bills and debt.
Just doing the work.
Tomorrow will be the same as the other nurse is off all week.
I plan to attend a parade tomorrow. It is homecoming for my son’s highschool. He was elected to be the emcee for the homecoming court. He will also be in the parade, riding in the lead car and waving at the crowd. Then he will announce all the floats and the homecoming court. So proud of him.

I want to keep my days full so that time will pass and I can figure out what life is like without my “crutch” (thank you Vera). I realize you are so right. I am grieving. I am imagining my addiction as a relationship……It’s like a close relative that I could never get to really love me is gone.
I am so sad that I never will have a chance again. But I am so happy to be free from trying. I won plenty of times, but my crazy brain was never satisfied anyway.
Time to move on with the real purpose in my life.
Just have to pray God shows me what that is.

[kpat]

Ran into a convenience store and
Had a momentary thought to buy a scratch off lottery, nope no gambling today!
We were able to pay the second installment for our daughter’s root canal at the dentist. If we had not self excluded, she would still be in agony. So happy to be able to pay the dentist.
No savings left. Dipped into the retirement plan to save the house. Sold my first wedding band a while back and nearly all my jewelry. This is why I am on this site. The results of mine and my husband’s stupidity is in every bill collector’s call. Every piece of mail that I can’t bring myself to open.

I have to start over with my finances. Really I have to start in the negative (big negatives) Worry, worry, worry……all we can do is get through today.
Really mad at myself for being so stupid.

Today was a gamble free day. Work was good. Went to the parade. Had a diet coke. Saw some old friends. It was fun. My son did an awesome job as emcee. Lots to be thankful for.
Tomorrow is another payday and as I am an excluded person at the casino, I think I shall pay my boat payment and the mortgage!!!!
Kelley

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, I have just been catching up on your thread. Today I am seven weeks gamble free and I remember at the start my brain was frazzled…thoughts of money mostly .. How to cope, how to feed my family, how to afford heating and petrol to get to work. I also had a family holiday coming up and was worried sick I would blow it.
Gradually my thoughts have returned to normal. The sadness you describe is starting to leave me.
You will find that things will look brighter once you have your pay safely in the bank. Well done on resisting the scratch cards.
You are well on your way to a much better life!!

[kpat]

So my husband was making a joke and said a phrase from one of the slots we used to play. For a moment the breath was knocked out of me. I asked him if he knew where the phrase came from and then the kids asked….I told them it was from a slot machine. EVERYONE was silent and then he said, “I didn’t mean to, I don’t know why I said it”.
Anyway, apparently the games leave a mark. It has been 18 days since we last went. I had to count it. It feels like a very long time.
I asked him on Friday as we were walking into the highschool football game how he was doing, and he says he is fine. I told him I was most definetly not “fine”. I told him I wished we were on our way to the casino right then!
We spent $17 dollars on parking and entrance. That made me think! A $20 in the machine was nothing. I used to beg him to let me play with a $100. It is so hard to earn it. Why was it so easy to give away?
We had to self-exclude. There really was no other choice. I was going to die in one of those chairs! I had to give CPR to a lady in that casino. She had what I think was a stroke while playing a slot. This was probably 5 years ago. I was the first to get to her and being a nurse, I started CPR. She was dead, but started breathing after we worked a few minutes. I should try to keep this in mind. That was going to be me!
I dont want to die in that place.
I am Thanking God today for a second chance.

[Anonymous]

Kpat, I also found it really hard to stop . I didn’t think I could.i am now six weeks stopped and I suppose it is getting easier. For ages when i saw a beautiful flower, or a sunset and several other sights instead of admiring their beauty , I was just reminded of various slot machines. It still happens but not so frequently. So I get it about the phrase.
It’s hard for the first while to be present at any event when your mind is still invaded by the addiction. But it does get easier!

Bottom line Kpat is you haven’t gambled!! You are doing amazingly well despite how difficult it is!! You not only have second chance.. You are determined to make it work!! Well done!!

[kpat]

Day off from work today. I took my Mom to an appt. She had to have a biopsy after some test results came back suspicious. My Mom is also a CG. She has not come to that conclusion herself, but all the family is aware.
I really hate it for her, because she has lost so much money in the last few years that my Dad is very controlling of her. I can’t really blame him too much. She lies to us all a lot. She is so negative about everything and because he is an alcoholic, she feels she has the right to keep gambling. This is not her true personality. She is areally caring person, but gambling has made her an angry and agitated person. We only went together to the casino twice in all the years we have been gambling. I never told her when me and the hubby went because I knew she had a problem. Her and my Dad fight viciuisly about money. I told her about our self- excluding and she quickly changed the subject. I knew she had problems with gambling for years before I ever went myself. I even went to an intervention for her with my sister . I cant believe I let the same thing
happen to me!
This gambling issue runs deep in our family. When she was about 12, her father, my grandfather, was arrested for stealing money from his milk route. He had played poker with it and lost. She saw him taken away in handcuffs. Her brother was arrested for embezzlement from his job managing a gas station. He stole the scratchoff tickets, thousands of dollars. The whole family had to pitch in close to $30K to keep him out of prison. He died of a sudden heart attack at 52 about 6 months into his probation.
I am writing this to myself. To remind myself of the destruction this addiction has caused. I believe in familial curses. Iniquity traveling through generations. This has to stop here. I dont want to hand this to my kids. I hope its not too late as they are 16 and 21 already. They have watched their Dad and I and still see their Grandmother running to the casino every chance we could/can.
I really hate what gambling has done to my family. I can only try to make positive choices for myself going forward and keep praying for my Mom.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat just read through your journal. It was painful to read! I can identify with almost everything you have said and have and are going through! Though I know that does not make it easier.

One thought came to mind as CGs we can react different to family / life stresses. Use them as the excuse to go gamble. Such as the situation with your son. But people who do not gamble also have the same life issues problems challenges and so on as everyone else. So in that respect we are certainly not alone. It is how we deal with those issues that matters. You chose NOT to give into your addiction that day and face the issues in your own way. This I feel is a huge and positive step.

I also have a few other family members who have been CGs but as Vera said you break the cycle with doing what you are doing now. It will never be easy to quite. Our brains are hard wired to imagine we can win. But you winning the jackpot and coming back with nothing proves … win or loose it makes no difference. You have done great to come this far. Imagine where you can be a few more months down the line ?

Rooting for you Kpat!!!
JN.

[kpat]

I was just thinking about our self-exclusion and remembered the conversation I had at the security counter. My husband and I are completing the paperwork and I asked if the ban was nationwide. My husband was looking at me kinda funny and I blurted out, “well, I might want to go Vegas or something!” He was horrified.
As we were walking out, we were holding hands tightly ( my slot partner and main man) I was looking around saying goodbye; I guess. My husband started walking a little faster, he said, “This place is our Sodom and Gomora, Don’t look back!” And we were at the door.

It has been 24 days and I haven’t gambled. I am so glad. Just a Friday night at home. That’s all we can afford, but I must say I am feeling pretty rich. And I am not a pillar of salt.

[JohnNobody]

What a brilliant last post you made! You 2 walking out hand in hand STRONG determined to get your lives back. It may seem like saying goodbye to an old friend the casino the surroundings but its all false. Its a bad friend very bad. It lies it deceives us. We do not need such friends. Casinos are built for 1 thing only to take as much money from the poor luckless gamblers who visit them.

I spoke in person to a casino manager I knew a few years back. I was given a VIP dinner with them. Yup I still had money in the bank and they were very “friendly” I was a high roller (a sucker) anyway he admitted that the casino takes the approach to slowly financially rape the customer of as much money as possible but do it in a way that the customer does not feel it or blame the casino. He said it is better if they can take 100k of a player over a period of months rather than in 1 big hit.

Your on way 24/25 days gamble free. Brilliant!!!

[kpat]

Oh yes, we were Elite at our casino. $80 voucher for dinner meant $1200.00 in losses. All the while my sister is taking vacations and we of course, can not afford to go with them.

Wish I could get a do-over for the last 5 years…..
My sister told my sister-in-law about us self-excluding. It sort of upset me, as I thought she understood this information was confidential. I guess it doesn’t matter, the more who know, the less I have to worry about my secret getting out. It’s just so humiliating to be the one with a problem. I wonder if this means, all the times I was thinking I was helping someone through something tough, that I was secretly judging them? Why should I worry what people think? My sister-in-law will tell others. Maybe it will help someone else.
My household, probably lways appeared to have it all together. Maybe everyone knowing our “secret” will let them feel better about their own issues. I just fear that we will be a stumbling block to someone. Living the church life with a gambling addiction sure would look like hypocrisy to a lot of people.
Knowing we were living a double sort of life, made me quick to forgive others. I hope that as this comes out to the rest of our families and friends they will be forgiving of us. (Me).
My husband is the very best guy in the world. Everyone loves him. He is so laid back and calm. Not me, I am the shrew. I am Eve. Thank God for His mercy and Grace. I am in need if it daily.

[p]

Well done on the steps you have taken so far to changing your life for the better.. it sounds as though you are both determined to beat this. Its so good to read that you have put things in place. There are so many addictions out there, usually someone knows someone with some sort of an addiction, there are so many its pretty rare to find people who aren’t either an addict in some way or another or their family members or relatives have at least usually been touched by addiction.. dont feel shame.. you are doing wonderful

P

[kpat]

Vera………that is sooooo gross! I would have bolted too! Yuck! Nasty man!
I always had to stick close to my husband when we were in the casino. Number one he is nice looking and some of those women….well, you know the type. But more importantly to me at those times was he always held the money!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat casinos are adapt at reeling us in. Making us feel special. The freebies , the comps the “vip” treatment all made to make us feel at ease as we blow our brains and bank accounts out in the casinos. I remember having a VIP dinner with a online casino. They met me. Nice chaps I suppose. I was a high roller (mug) they paid for every thing , put some money in my online account. But by then the cracks were starting to show. I looked a bit shabby. I was stressed. I am sure they picked up on it. By the end of the meal I was uncomfortable. They were checking me out. Trying to gauge what I was worth. And by that time much of my then fortune was already squandered. It is good we see it for what it is. And so positive you have your husband by your side. You can and will support each other.

You do not need gambling in your life. And you can and will overcome this!!

[kpat]

I did something very different today. My husband and I took a care package to our nephew who has just moved into a community work program. He is fresh out of prisonn for embezzlement. This is his second trip for the same crime. He didnt check in with his probation officer or continue to pay his restitution. He let his grandparents pay it for almost 2 years and then they told him he had to take it over as they are on a fixed income and could no longer afford it. He never paid it, not once. All the time acting like everything was fine, knowing he was going back for up to 24 months. He has two young sons and their Mom is not agreeing to bring the boys to see him. I tried to tell him that she is just trying to protect them from seeing him incarcerated. He will be done Jan 30.
The point is we were able to buy about $20 worth of snacks and give him some help for bus fare until he gets his first check. If we had not stopped gambling, we would have been at the casino unconcerned about him today. Sunday afternoons, I am finding are a big trigger day for me. Reaching out to help him felt terrific. We really don’t have any money and that money should have gone to pay debt, but I have to remember there are a lot of DEBTS owed to our family because of a self-centeredness and isolation that we have ignored too.
I am going to try to add acts of kindness to my recovery, it feels really awesome:)

[JohnNobody]

Random acts of kindness can go a long long way. And in the end always come back to us 🙂 What a lovely post about a difficult situation. But your mind clears the mist as each day passes without gambling and we start to see life again. Start to become less centered on ourselves on what we can win. that $20 of things will go a long way for him. It is a good deed you have done. So much better than pumping it into a slot.

I have a personal phrase or motto I use when it comes to my work. To do just one more thing at the end of each day to try push for a little bit more success. Have used it for years. The same can be said about “doing” for other people. Something your post above has got me thinking about!!!

Oh and thanks for the reminder on the shoes 😉 you are correct my current footware is a disgrace. In 2 weeks time I shall buy a pair of brand new shoes. Thats another for the To Do list.
thanks for sharing the above and for your support.

[kpat]

My son has a day off from school tomorrow for Veteran’s Day. I decided to take the day off with him. He says he hates that I will be off with him. I am probably ruining some of his plans! Good;) He is always up to something. Mostly he is a great teenager. Terrific grades and brilliant at school. He is also the curse my mother placed on me when I was a teen. “I hope you have a child just like you!” I was a liar as a teenager. Always aguing with my parents. Always into something not good. He is going to be a great man. I just have to make sure he lives through these years.
So I will spend some time with him. Make him go to the grocery store with me. Make him get some of the homework done. He is a terrible procrastinator (like me).
On the recovery front…. I think I might be going a little
crazy. I am finding that logging onto my computer at work, makes me think about the slots. Going into a public restroom makes me think of the casino. Knowing I had the day off tomorrow made me think of going to the casino when I got in my car today. These are just momentary thoughts, but still…enough already.
I am thankful there are no other venues within 2hours of here and they aren’t really the venue I want. ( I know this, because I looked it up a couple of days ago.) What a crazy thing this is in my brain. I looked up to see if I could go somewhere else and gamble!! What??
11/14/14 will be one month. Only one month and it feels like a VERY long time. I learned something from all these journals. One day at a time.

[JohnNobody]

Hi I am having the same thoughts as you at this moment. Not about land casinos but online clip joints. It is so demanding at times. But for you you have come so far in a short space of time. And the month will have seemed hard but I am sure and know from past experience when I actually quit a year it does get easier as we stop counting the days so much. Keep on posting here rather than giving in to your urges. Sounds like you have a full day planned with your Son. That has to be good.

And maybe stop looking at where you can find venues to gamble 😉 that aint gonna help. One day at a time defo!!!

[micky]

Hi kpat thanks for the post it means alot when i get a positive post , really makes me feel good 🙂 Well done on being a month free of gambling ( in advance ) keep up the good work. 🙂 Micky

[desdemona]

Dear (((Kpat)))! I was touched that you read my thread. I can relate to the stress of being a Homecare nurse as I was a Homecare Social Worker for several years. I want to assure you that managing your addiction does get easier with time. I’ve fallen off the recovery train many times but the key to recovery is always getting back on. Recovery is not an all or nothing thing. I have yet to speak to a compulsive gambler that hasn’t had trauma in their life. At first gambling is fun and an escape from feeling anything except excitement that a person might win “free” money. For me it very quickly became a compulsion as I won a large amount of money the first time I went there. I would get a feeling in my stomach that was very much like being on a ferris wheel or a roller-coaster, when I was on my way to the casino. I used gambling to escape boredom, stress, loneliness, and to escape the anger my husband was expressing most of the time. I am banned from the casinos in my province, but the ban does not include the vlts. The only people I see at the vlts are compulsive gamblers like me, so there has become no social value for me to go there. The good thing about you and your husband working recovery together, is that he understands how a cg mind works. My husband does not have a clue and doesn’t believe in depression, and thinks that addictions are just a cop-out, and that people should be able to just pull up their socks and get on with it. So I haven’t had support in quitting gambling and he has at times enabled me. It is only in recent time that he is making me more accountable as to where the money is going. I do not work outside my home anymore so my biggest challenge has been to find something to replace gambling with. Another positive is that you have a church family so you do have opportunities to help out there. I used to berate myself that I would be held accountable for not being a good steward of my money. God forgives and when we know better, we do better as Oprah would say. Sin is sin, no matter what it is and if God forgives, who are we to not forgive ourselves. We are not our addiction; it is a small part of who we are. All we have is today and it is a blank canvass. Way to go on choosing recovery!! Carole

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat how are you holding up today ? Keep fighting and keep pushing forward!

[kpat]

Just finished a wonderful meal. I had $68 left in the ine account and spent $64 of it at the grocery store! Bought and cooked Salmon and pork inTeriayki sauce and olive oil. Made some brown rice with onions, mushrooms, seasonings (bay leaf) and at last an egg mixed in. Nice salad
too. Wow! My son has an interest in cooking and he did the meats with my direction. It was a lot of good time spent together. (He cooks better than our 21 year old daughter)
So my husband had a terrific meal ready when he came home from work. Husband was eccstatic! He is taking the left overs to work tomorrow. (That breakroom is going to reak of fish!)
I wrote in an earlier post how lazy I had become. It was good to cook something nice. It was a good day off. I matched a huge basket of socks for the whole family. (I am laughing to myself) It took FOREVER!!!
Another pay day tomorrow and the money is all used up already. I sorted through some of the unopened mail today. That was frightening. ALSO Had a UPS (you have to sign for this) delivery today. I wondered who ordered something. But No, it was a bill collector notice. They are obviously getting more serious about collections if they paid for that letter to be delivered like that. So I will pay them tomorrow. (Check will be gone)!
Probably shouldn’t have splurged on the Salmon. I wanted to buy a jigsaw puzzle to work on, but that would have meant less food in the pantry. It would have also meant a trip to Walmart. I hate going there. That place makes me crazy. My lack of patience for those lines makes me a nut case by the time I leave there. So….I will buy a puzzle soon (maybe send my daughter?)
No gambling, haven’t got the money or the time and I REFUSE to become addicted to scratch-offs or the dog tracks.
I hope everyone is still gamble free. I know self exclusion is probably the only reason I still am, but Hey, I will take it.
Thank you all for posting here and to me. I really look forward to reading and may become a little addicted to this. This site has been a life line for me.

[JohnNobody]

Starting to see and sense a growing strength in you lady! You spent money on Salmon … so what we all gotta eat and better that than in the slots! or what ever your fix was. You are waking up to the world around you. and seeing just what is and what is not important. I would not worry about becoming addicted to GT ha ha …. its a decent good addiction … and great that we have this place to rant rave and sound off!

1 by 1 with time you will hit all those debts all those bills. Sure it wont be over night but step by step so long as you stay out of the casino then you CAN NOT fail! Dog tracks suck and scratch cards (offs) are a complete rip off. We dont need such things in our life do we ??
Keep posting you giving me faith and hope for the future!

[bettie]

I am glad to say I read your thread tonight!
Don’t worry about the fish-just because you are in financial trouble doesn’t mean that you can’t splurge on a nice meal. Self depravation is a CG trate-we squeese pennies then burn dollars! Money will have meaning again. I bought myself a dress and a new rug today. If I had gambled I would have spent at least 5 times what I spent today and would have nothing to show for it.
Banning from the casino was a Godsent to me. It helped alot-but it won’t stop you forever. It’s like a diet Kpat-you can’t starve for the rest of your life. Have you thought about GA? Walking through that door might be the hardest thing you ever do. We have a couple in our group. They have 13 years “clean” in a couple of weeks. I read about the strong CG connections in the family. I have CG relatives but more common are drug and achcohol problems. It’s taken me YEARS to even start to address my real issues and why I gambled in the first place. I am in a better head space for sure. If not GA I know of a program called “Celebrate Recovery”-that is a 12 step group run in Christian groups to cover all kinds of issues.
Also, some more unsolicated advice-Melody Beatty-She is fantastic! I got most of my books 2nd hand online or at the thrift. I learned so much about myself and co dependency that is was frightning! Learning about recovery helped me alot.
Congrats on your clean time! Days make weeks-weeks make months-months make years-and years make up a life time! All one day at a time!
bettie

[kpat]

I will look up Melody Beatty, i am just finishing a book by Beth Moore named “Breaking Free”. I started to read it on one of my previuos attempts at quitting gambling. It is about all kind of things that might hold us in bondage.
I have talked to my husband about GA several times in the past. I had looked up the meetings before the exclusion. He will not go. I was going to go at one point without him, but it just didn’t happen.
I have thought about the starving analogy you used and can see that Cold turkey will not really solve the reasons I have this in me to want to play those slots. I will have to keep reading and trying to retrain my mind. I shared my story tonight with a woman I used to work with years ago. I saw her again maybe 5 years ago and she told me she met my Mom. They had been sitting next to each other at the casino. My Mom is a talker:) So our paths crossed tonight at a play we went to this evening. She recognized me and started to talk about my Mom and how she hadn’t seen her lately. I told her my husband and I had been going way too much and did a life-time ban. (She was shocked!) I told her my Mom wasn’t the only one with a problem and we decided it had to end. She said, “yeah that place will really get into your mind”. Maybe it planted a seed for her, that is if she is a CG which I suspect she is at least a frequent
gambler.
My family of four went to a play tonight called Eternity. It was very moving and we loved it. Then we went for Dairy Queen (peanut buster parfaits all around). Delicious!
We have plans tomorrow night after work and on Friday too for All-county chorus, our son was selected as a tenor. (This a big deal). He has practice tomorrow and the concert is on Friday night.
We are going to our niece’s birthday party at a Disney Resort on Sunday after church. She is turning 5 and having a princess tea party. We will go to one of the parks after that. Our daughter works at Disney so we get in free!
I really can’t remember such a full week before. I am going to be so exhausted, but I am looking forward to it all.
My mind was nearly completey free of slot-think today and that was soooo great:)

[bettie]

Keeping busy is great Kpat-idle hands are the devils workshop for sure where gambling is concerned.
Don’t be afraid to go to GA alone. While there are sucessful couples the majority work their program of recovery alone even if they go to the same group. Even if you never go to a group there are great GA resources at http://www.gachicago.org. The 17 page yellow book is online and it is simple and straight foward. Even though I have been reading it almost 5 years I still read things that suprise me. There is one phraise that hits me like a rock ” gambling has led many to the gates of prison, insanity or death”. It’s true, so so true! If I had kept going the way I was it would have killed me without a doubt. When it comes to sucide Cg’s are #1 amoung all mental disorders. I believe its the shame factor. People can’t see the physical addiction assocated with putting all your money in a machine and don’t know that the endorfins released have the same effect as taking a drug.
“my” slot maching was like an abusive lover who took it all and kept me coming back for more with the promise of “give me one more chance to make you happy!” We’ve heard that song and dance before!
lol!
bettie

[icandothis]

It sounds like you have so many great things going on with your family. Use these things and focus on how wonderful they are and how much you are looking forward to them. I just LOVE Disney! Can’t imagine anything better than getting in free! Enjoy your day at the park! We’ve only been once, but we had such a great time. I always wanted to get in one more family vacation there, but it didn’t happen. Oh well, maybe with the grandkids!!! Have a great weekend. Don’t let gambling get in the way of your weekend. Don’t even give it a thought. You deserve complete focus on what is important and really fun, too. Like going to Disney World with your family!!!

[kpat]

We had planned to go to a “cheap” dinner tonight just my man and I. However, there seems to be a hold on our account (the truck payment is 21 days past due). This freeze will cost us in fees because I paid a creditor today. Uggh!
The other account is in the negative as well. (Payday for that is tomorrow).
So we had lovely grilled cheese sandwiches and canned soup for dinner. (It really was very good) Somehow food tastes better when you are hungry.
Tomorrow is one month since I gambled (we gambled). No real urges, just disgusted with the finances. He gets paid on Wednesdays and I get paid on Fridays. Still feels like we are getting nowhere. Big time crazy slot players = long time stupid debt.
It will be ok. I will not let myself get freaked out. I am excited about the chorus concert tomorrow. I am excited about Disney although who knows how many sandwiches we will have to eat next week to afford the lunchat the tea party.
Thank you Ican and Bettie for your posts.
BTW–we have 3 cats and a very old and pitiful chocolate lab. The cats run the house;)

[kpat]

One month today. I think the longest I have gone without playing in the last 5 years is probably 2 months. So that is my next goal.
We went to the Choral performance tonight. It was very nice. The children were so talented and the music was terrific.
HOWEVER my Mom, my sister, and my family of four, plus our daughter’s friend came (so nice we all wanted to support our 16 year old)…..the drama my family can create is staggering. I argued with my sister, my Mom, my husband, my son, and my daughter. My daughter argued with my sister and her friend.I could go on and on. My husband said we should have our own reality show with how much drama we can create. I was not innocent in these exchanges.
Very stressful evening overall. Parking was atrocious people everywhere.
Nothing but household chores for tomorrow. Glad to have no plans tomorrow. I need some rest.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, thank u for writing on my thread. Honestly u write such interesting posts. I love the fact that u all argue. It actually means u are a close and open family as u don’t feel the need to step on egg shells all the time! When we get together at Xmas or something there are always a few rows. Imagine this : five grown up siblings ( all in their thirties n forties) managing to get into a big argument over who gets which chocolate.

Your family sounds brilliant and you do so much together.
I feel such a failure in this area..but that’s for another time.

Keep posting. U are doing brill. Despite my ‘slip’ and losing the bit of financial security I had built up, I am pleased I stopped so quickly! Still feeling low but once pay day comes in 13 days that will lift!
I am so pleased your life is going so well.

[micky]

Hi Kpat thanks for the encouraging post i too will be one month to the good on monday 🙂 It’s a struggle but well worth it , of all my advice to people i have given i’m using the old tried and tested one ODAAT, but there again through the day we must use all and any methods that keep us ALERT to that one minute when we might let our guard down.

[kpat]

Terrible flashback today. Talked it through with my husband. We had to use an ATM. How do you spell DejaVu?
I always stood right behind him at the ATM when we were gambling. (I needed my money right away). We were at the grocery store this time. At least that is productive.
I told him I had a really bad moment. He said he knew it. He said he felt the same urge too. We talked it over. He believes that because we have been going to the casino for so long it is imprinted on our minds. He said he has thoughts as well, but forces himself to see the craziness that we have been through, are still going through.
I can’t say I have been having bad urges, but to be honest that is probably because I am totally preoccupied with money. I have become a financial contortionist.
My husband held my hand in the drive today and prayed for us both. Prayed that God would give us strength to keep on track and then he prayed for a miracle for our financial problems. I adore this man. 23 years married and he still shocks me to the core sometimes.
So we were in agreement in prayer and I believe that where two or more are gathered….God is with us. He is my higher power and I am handing this worry over to Him.
I am so happy to have found GT. This is a wonderful forum and the people here are quickly becoming very dear to my heart.

[p]

Hi Kpat it is wonderful to see you and your husband so bonded in this fight.. it is really nice that you are both doing it together.. well done.. i know how the urge hits, you are doing well.. its is a great place here, I’ve been here for years, wish i could say i had been gamble free for years but thats not how my journey has gone.. oh well, I’m still here and have been able to meet new people along the journey like yourself.

P

[icandothis]

That is such a wonderful post, Kpat. You and your husband just temporarily lost your way. Together with the Grace of God, you will find your way back. The image of your husband holding your hand in prayer. Wow! So, powerful. Hold on to each other; and together keep holding on to God. Things will work out!
I hope you had a wonderful weekend. We spent the weekend in 4 inches of snow and drove home in a blizzard. Oh, how we envy you who live where the weather is warm and the sun shines!!! lol

[kpat]

Thank you P and CanDo for the posts. You two are very kind:)
We have had very bad weather today. Tornados in Florida!

On the Recovery front: I had to go to the bank today and deposit enough money to be able to get them to unfreeze the account. This was soooo humiliating. We are overdrawn in one bnk and had a freeze on the other. All the while the children are oblivious to how serious their parents screwed up. (We have told them we are broke, but they just don’t get it.)

Yesterday We went to the Grand Floridian for lunch and had a 50% off coupon. Daughter had to pay her share. We got into one of the parks for free and got complimentery waters and used another coupon for free popcorn. This is how a CG manages Disney:)
We had to go for our niece she turns 6 tomorrow. Most of the family bailed on my sister in law and we just couldnt let her down too. So, our truck is not getting repossed this month (thank you God). We didn’t let anyone down in the family. Our nephew hung with us all afternoon. My son and nephew are close in age and don’t get to see each other all that much. Lots of good things there.
It just kills me that it has been a month without throwing money into the slots and we are still moment to moment with money.
I am sorry for ranting here. I just cant seem to believe what a mess we have made. Our children expect a Christmas. They also expect hot water and electricity (ha ha).

One day at a time. I have no control over where that former gambled money went. I can only control where the next money goes. I see now that I was chasing my losses. Running deeper and deeper into the hole.
Thank God we stopped when we did. I think I probably was one step away from doing something illegal!

[kpat]

I threw my hat in the ring for a possible transfer to a larger branch. I am excited about the possibility of a more challenging office. My office is one of the smallest in the company, but this transfer would be a big step up. I have been in the position a little over two years. So I am ready for a bigger opportunity and it would mean a raise. I talked to the regional over that office and it sounded like she was very interested in me for the position. I would be leaving my office without an Administrator but hey those ladies I work with are some of the most pessimistic people I have ever worked with. Most of them are young enough to be my kids and they really have poor attitudes. It is hard for me to stay positive, they don’t even get my jokes have the time! I happen to like to laugh, so working with them these years has been a struggle. I always thought I could win just about anyone over by being nice and fair, consistent and treat everyone well. These people I work with have no idea how bad a boss they could have.
We have to go for a musical theater concert tonight for our son’s highschool. It is hard to keep up with all his activities.
Have to make plan for a quick dinner and get on the road.
I hope that everyone has a wonderful evening.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, you have such a full life.. Makes me wonder where u ever got time to gamble lol!
I totally get what you mean about the finances .it can take months to get over one nights gambling.
I love the idea of your husband and you praying together. I pray with my child every day but never with my husband.
It made me think wouldn’t it be lovely if we could have a prayer group through gt… You know as one of those chat sessions. We could maybe eventually gather lots together in His name!!
I know everyone one here is not of the same belief but individuals could set up their own groups?!

Christmas fills us gamblers with dread. Kids expect gifts and an occasion ..and we have to somehow find the funds for it! I can see how gamblers end up committing crimes!!
Keep strong Kpat. You are doing brill!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, you have such a full life.. Makes me wonder where u ever got time to gamble lol!
I totally get what you mean about the finances .it can take months to get over one nights gambling.
I love the idea of your husband and you praying together. I pray with my child every day but never with my husband.
It made me think wouldn’t it be lovely if we could have a prayer group through gt… You know as one of those chat sessions. We could maybe eventually gather lots together in His name!!
I know everyone one here is not of the same belief but individuals could set up their own groups?!

Christmas fills us gamblers with dread. Kids expect gifts and an occasion ..and we have to somehow find the funds for it! I can see how gamblers end up committing crimes!!
Keep strong Kpat. You are doing brill!!

[kpat]

Thank you Sad! I am staying away from that slot life and I mean it this time!
The musical theater group did a great job. My son had two solos. He sang a duet from Phantom of the Opera. He really was the star of the show.
So….after a grand performance the group apparently goes out to celebrate at Chili’s. This is a tradition. Our son is new to the class and did not know about the tradition. He told us after the show. We did not have any money! We had to tell him no. I was mortified. He was devastated. He nearly cried. His Dad looking at him, telling him, we just didn’t have it. It couldn’t be worked out. (He only needed about $14!! Arrrgggh!
We get paid tomorrow and with all the financial troubles I planned to the penny. There was nothing we could do. This is the direct result of gambling. We may not have stolen anything , but this is what really makes me mad at myself. This was important to him. I am a little over a month without that stupidity and it is effecting us still.
———————————

He must be ok now, I hear him in the other room singing. Maybe he will forget about it. I hope I don’t. I hope I remember this when next year or next month hopefully, things aren’t so tight and that old horrid little demon starts saying things are better, things aren’t that bad now… I want to remember hurting my kid this way. The star of the show, getting calls from his friends. Where are you? Are you coming? No..no my parents said I can’t. I have to go home:(

[bettie]

How sad for you Kpat-I am sure you are broken hearted to disapoint your son.
What we loose when we are “in action” is so much more than money-self respect is a biggie.
I remember the “CD” Christmas 5 years ago ( all the family got movies) when I had no money for Christmas and bought my daughter stuff from the thrift so I would have something to wrap. She is a thrifty girl and she didn’t mind. I was crushed and embarrased that I had so little to give my one and only.
Your son sounds like a mature young man. Instead of trying to hid maybe it would take some of the pressure off if you told him and his sister whats going on. My daughter was most upset when I told her-because it meant we could never go to Vegas again! She didn’t get it then but I think she does now. When we talk she asks me if I have been to a meeting and she was there and pinned me at my One year pinning. She was very proud-and when it was said and done she told me how much the people in the group really liked me. The fact that anyone could possible like me was a new consept for sure!
Things do get better but don’t expect it to happen too soon. We cg’s are impatient for sure! I want everything better-yesterday-to heck with waiting for tomorrow!
bettie

[Anonymous]

Kpat, I have been there. My son has missed out in so mAny things he could have had..it feels horrible!! That really must have hurt you and hubby!!… But whAt a great son!!you have done something right there!!!

You wrote on my post that u think I have a gift with words.. That is truly amazing as I am sitting here beating myself up as a friend has had the worse new ever about her health . She has little kids, and in my shock I said everything that you should never say. I was so insensitive and clumsy I practically asked her how long? I think it is you who has a gift… Of knowledge or something !! I don’t really know but it is like you knew how I was feeling!

Just think Kpat you will never be in that situation again! Your son has learned a lesson about money . There will be other times to enjoy his friends. You are working hard to overcome this addiction and making amazing progress! Soon we will be a me to relax and worry less about money . Can’t wait!!

[Anonymous]

Kpat, I have been there. My son has missed out in so mAny things he could have had..it feels horrible!! That really must have hurt you and hubby!!… But whAt a great son!!you have done something right there!!!

You wrote on my post that u think I have a gift with words.. That is truly amazing as I am sitting here beating myself up as a friend has had the worse new ever about her health . She has little kids, and in my shock I said everything that you should never say. I was so insensitive and clumsy I practically asked her how long? I think it is you who has a gift… Of knowledge or something !! I don’t really know but it is like you knew how I was feeling!

Just think Kpat you will never be in that situation again! Your son has learned a lesson about money . There will be other times to enjoy his friends. You are working hard to overcome this addiction and making amazing progress! Soon we will be a me to relax and worry less about money . Can’t wait!!

[kpat]

Friday night and have felt restless tonight. All kinds of senarios going around in my head. I am going to bed and starve the slot/casino think with a good, restful night’s sleep. I have to buy the groceries for my contribution for Thanksgiving lunch at the in-laws and dinner at my Mom’s. Can’t afford to lose a cent. Can’t afford to lose the self-respect I am slowly gaining back.
I deserve a better life than I have been living and gambling would keep from that life. I will not spend another moment today on those senarios that would all end up in REGRET!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, great post! These urges are over whelming sometimes but I can see you determined not to be overwhelmed. You are right – our self respect does return and in time so will our financial security. I can’t wait to able to enjoy things that are currently forbidden to me like shopping, going out etc. After your recent post about your son I have put an “emergency £20” into the glove compartment of my car to be used strictly in an emergency situation when I’m out n about!! Hope the urges have subsided Kpat

[kpat]

We went to the movies tonight! Saw Mockingjay. Our Family of four, i was able to look forward to it and really had a great time. There was a little drawback, there were about five 13 yeqr old girls that sat behind us and “whispered” through the entire movie. Ahhhhhh, youth. I am definitely getting old.
Read some today about gambling addiction and I think I should probably stay away from some of that type reading.
It seemed to have the opposite effect and made me have some pretty strong urges. That really is very messed up thinking!
I got a lot of laundry done and went grocery shopping. I clipped some coupons and was able to save about $8. I only use coupons on things I would normally buy anyway. I am Not a serious coupon whiz.
I really had a very productive day and that is all I could ask for 🙂

[bettie]

I have to laugh K Pat when my CG customers would come in to the bank and I saw all the withdrawals at the casino they would give me gambling urges . the addictive voice is very strange in our heads . Trust me at about the 6 month mark those urges really fade dramatically ,thats really is half the battle Betty

[kpat]

I had a full day today. We went to church then to my sister’s for lunch. They grilled hamburgers and hot dogs and chicken legs. We even stayed for dinner too. Our Mom came over and I got to spend a few minutes with her. She is going back to work. Her first job in several years. I hope it will give ner something to look forward to besides gambling. She needs to do something. She retired very young and has way too much time on her hands.

I was contacted about an interview for Monday morning and had to go to Walmart for printer ink. Can’t interview without a copy of the resume. This is for a transfer in the company. I believe I have mentioned how much I dread Walmart…NEVER AN OPEN REGISTER! Long lines, I need to work on patience. The place is to be avoided if at all possible. Truth is It really wasn’t too bad tonight. 8:15pm on a Sunday. (I didn’t want to pull my hair out)
I had zero thoughts or desire to gamble today. Money is still an issue but there have been a couple of rays of hope.
I was able to donate a few bags of groceries for the Thanksgiving baskets at church. We may not have much right now, but we have enough and more than so many others.

[kpat]

My interview went well and if all works out I should be transferring by the end of next week. I was told there would be an increase in my salary, but no definite figure yet.
I had to drive right past the casino to the office where I interviewed. It was weird. I have slipped in there during work hours in the past if a meeting took me that way. I called it my lunch hour. Today, The self-ban worked it’s magic and I drove past it twice without too much difficulty. I did have some thoughts, but they were fleeting. This is probably the closest I have been in proximity to the casino since we banned. I feel very good about it.
No school this week for the highschool. I am only off for Thanksgiving Day.
Working on renewing my mind with good things, good thoughts, and The Good Book. One day at a time. God is good.

[Imdonewiththis]

I find this addiction so hard to understand how it takes over all your sense of guilt,logic,reality there is just no reasoning!? For me personally I know what I’m doing is wrong but I convince myself other wise while in the process of gambling! It’s the aftermath that stings and hits you hard but then you return once again why? It don’t make sense I know that’s why they call it an addiction but knowing how you feel after why do I do it? This is the question I ask myself! I love my family more than anything in the world and this is what hurts the most the guilt of the the betrayal to them! I ask myself why do I gamble and the reason I come up with is not that i am greedy because its not about the money really is it? But I think it’s because I’m so very lonely! I am done with this destruction I don’t want to gamble truth is I never really have wanted to its just that little niggle of a voice that pops into my head when I’m sitting alone saying I’m bored I’m lonely what shall I do? I know £20 won’t hurt to play a slot game to pass the time then before i know £20 has turned into £300 and so on! I’m in debt which is ridiculous because now I’m not just lonely but broke as well as! I hate deceiving my family it makes me feel like such a bad vile person especially as I know how much they have done and do for me! But it’s never to late and this is why I’m here.! I’m done with gambling and everytime I feel lonely or think what can I do to pass the time I will come on here instead! I know I’m not a bad person and I want to stop before my problem esculates and effects others! So gambling I’m giving you the 2 fingers I do not need nor want you in my life you do not fill a void in my life you just make it bigger!!!!!

[kpat]

Just finished making deviled eggs to bring for Thanksgiving. I get to make all the stinky food! I am bringing collard greens and deviled eggs. The eggs take forever because we go to the in-laws for lunch and my Mom’s for dinner. I made about 50. Fingers are all wrinkly amd the entire house smells like a giant f*rt.
But this is a labor of love. Last year we baked the turkey, but I am getting off easy this year.
Thanksgiving is more than food it is a time to really concentrate on all the blessings we have. I am Thankful for my family and that we all live close enough to get together to celebrate all that God has given us. A Thankful heart is a happy heart.
I know Thanksgiving is an American Holiday, but I want to wish all my new friends here a Happy Thanksgiving anyway.
I am Thankful to have found you all. (Sad, P, Vera, RG, Carole, Lizbeth, Micky, Ican, Bettie, Kathryn, Lorraine, and John and all the brandnew people here) you all have made these last six weeks without gambling much, much easier and I am Thankful for you.
Thank you, Janey, Charles, Harry, and Velvet for all you are doing to help ease this terrible pain I have caused myself. This site is wonderful:)

[kpat]

I was watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade and saw all the decorations for Christmas. My mind took me to the casino and a gorgeous picture of the giant tree and all the beautiful decorations that will be up right now. What a strong desire I had to be there. It’s strange how the temptation paints the prettiest picture of a very dangerous place. The casino is dangerous to me. It is a place that would lead to my destruction. I want to go so bad.
I won’t go. I can’t go.
Today is Thanksgiving Day and I am Thankful today for the ban that is in place. A lifetime ban because I will need that barrier for the rest of my life.
Feeling a little defeated to know that the desire can still be so strong. I am helpless if I rely on myself. I am Thankful that I don’t have to. I have My God, my family, and my ban to get me through without causing more pain and destruction to my life.
Happy Gamble free life today.

[icandothis]

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too, Kpat. Oh, those, bright lights are so alluring. I have to admit. Maybe this weekend, you can decorate your house. Add a few extra strands of lights, if its in the budget. Or, find a local event that has lots of decorations. We have a Christmas light parade, lights at the Zoo, Festival of trees, even our local shopping mall has some nice decorations. We used to pick a night and wake our kids up and in their pajamas, we would drive through town looking at the decorated houses. Lots of options this time of year to get our fix of bright lights. We’ll get through this Holiday Season without gambling and with, or without all the shimmer and glimmer, we will be free to enjoy the true meaning of Christmas.

[bettie]

The addictive voice is really something isn’t it? I still get it. It’s almost five years for me and the voice still wispers to me.
Believe me when I tell you at about the 6 month mark it tends to calm down.
The addiction can’t believe that you are not listening to it.
Stay busy. It’s hard to do anything else when everything seems to pale in comparison to that rush and thrill. In time the everyday things do become interesting-sometimes I want nothing more than to be home alone in my condo by myself.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours Kpat. If I eat one more thing I will explode! lol!
bettie

[kpat]

Thank you, Ican and Bettie for the support you offer.
I had a great day today. Work was very pleasant. The girls in the office have decided to be nice to me. I think they are very nervous about who might be my replacement. We decorated the office for Christmas and I bought pizza and wings for them out of office funds.
Thanksgiving leftovers for dinner were fantastic. I finally had enough room for pecan pie. (Delicious).
Haven’t been able to shop yet. I guess I will have to miss out on Black Friday deals. Looking forward to the weekend, but not the laundry that has piled up.
Gambling is calling my name, but I am too busy to answer!
Life is good.

[kpat]

Home all day today. Nearly all the laundry is done. Probably two loads left. I have been stir crazy. I have to force myself to do the housework. Made a sort of gumbo with the leftover turkey and ham. We will have that for dinner. Husband had to work today in order to have Thanksgiving off so it was the teenager and I together. He helped a little, but has been sick so I let him sleep in til 10:30.
Basically I have been planning a casino trip in my mind all day. In the past I would have tackled the housework and then used that as reason for a trip to slotville. I guess old habits are really hard to break. I won’t go. I won’t gamble. I just am having a hard time thinking of something else to do.
Now my husband is home and he is tired from working all day, he had to be at work at 6:30am. I, of course, am raring to go. Anywhere at this point to stop that longing to go and RUIN MY LIFE BY GAMBLING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
He mentioned having a fire outside in the firepit. Maybe we can sit out there and just be. I have no idea how to get pleasure out of just being still anymore. I think I am doing good and moving on, and then a day like today, just makes me realize that all I am really doing is gambling in my mind.
This is not about the win. This is about habit. This is about boredom and wanting excitement. I watched a video the other day called Finding Joy. It is on youtube. It is about a woman named Joy chat was a CG. I couldn’t watch the whole thing. It was too depressing, but there was a part that showed the brain patterns of a CG and how the excitement center becomes dull. The brain has become immune to excitement because of overstimulus from gambling. It explains so much. It helps to know that my brain probably looks like that. I have been zapping it for many years with fast moving pictures and endorphins from expecting a big win. And now I am damaged. I have caused everything else to umderwhelm me.
Now what I need to know is if I can retrain my brain to feel excitement again?

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, go out and but some small thing u love. Something frivolous that u normally wouldn’t consider buying and place it where u can see it.. I am looking at my red hurricane lamps!! And enjoy the fact that u bought them which u cudnt if u gambled. Get ur son A new school bag.. Anything that wi give u pleasure and that u wi see often!! U can gradually retrain your brain!
Good luck with the clothes shopping. I bought a black dye today also to blacken some of my washed out blacks for work!! U just put it in the washing machine. Would that work for some of ur clothes?

[kpat]

Thanks Sad! I was smiling and thinking of you when I sewed a button on an old pair of comfy pajajmas last night. I have a lot of black clothes too. The dye won’t help that I have slacks that are very dated in their style, but I love the idea.

Happy today to give over all the depressive thoughts and defeated feelings. This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

[Tiki456]

I’m so glad you are here and I hop you know you are not alone. After a 4 day binge and knowing the holidays are around the corner I am safe in my small bedroom, my cup of coffee and reading everyone’s posts. Congrats. You are a survivor…. look forward to reading more.

[Tiki456]

I’m hoping my drive from work tomorrow will not allow me to stop and play video casino near my home. I want to say Life is Good, I want to have a nice Christmas and I’m happy to read your posts. In a sense you are lucky you have a family to get you through this. I feel lousy today. I pray my life will turn around.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, my clothes turned out better than when they were new!! Really pleased I wot look washers out tomorrow.
In not exactly sure what it is you bought.. But isn’t it lovely to treat ourselves to something. Isn’t it lovely to at last feel we are worthy of a treat.
Kpat this is the new us !! We can buy ourselves stuff cos we dot gamble and we do it because we deserve it!!
Onwards and upwards we go…..

[p]

Wonderful to see your progression in recovery and the joy of buying little things again.. its so funny i think before we gambled, would those purchases have meant as much.. i think it makes us look at the little things much more closely… way to go on your gamble free time kpat, keep going, love your posts..

P

[kpat]

My children had a big fight today. Our 21 year old daughter picked up the 16 year old after school. They started arguing because he wanted her to take him to DunkinDonuts for a frappe or some such. Apparently she said no and this ended up with him getting out of her car in the middle of the road, while she was stopped behind a school bus. She called me frantic at work because she couldn’ t find him for a few minutes. As I was talking to her trying to think what to do, he walked up to the gas station where she was parked waiting for him. Then, it just so happened, that my Mother drove past and saw her car and she pulled in too. Oh Dear Lord at the drama!
I am home from work now and our daughter has left for a date. Our son is very contrite. HMMMMM?!
She apparently acted like she was going to hit him and was driving like a mad woman and…. oh, whatever! I am just glad they were not hurt. I think I am coping pretty well. I am going to let their Dad straighten them out. In the past, if something like this happened, I would still be screaming at them. I did not even think about gambling to fix or stuff or forget this drama. That is progress of a sort.
Still haven’t gotten confirmation about the job transfer, the VP is out of state so it may be week of waiting. I have no control over that, so I will just have to put that in the column of things that I will not be stressing over.
My house smells like cinnamon. (Cinnamon brooms are so cool to have at Christmas time) I am so glad I bought one!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat. Great post!! So glad your house is smelling great!! Kids will argue .. And in a few years they will laugh about today. I’m with that lad.. I love dunkin donuts !!!! Well done on staying calm and not allowing events to hinder your progress!!
I have to get cinnamon broom (whatever that is lol!!)sounds lovely!!

[kpat]

Money, you have to have it to live. I made it a full week without an overdraft! Looking forward to a mailbox without collection letters and a bank statement without negative balances and overdraft fees.
I am sick of sandwiches for lunch!
My car is overdue for an oil change by at least 4 months.
This is a right, pretty pickle we have put ourselves in.

Just needed a tiny moment to vent.
Now, I know; we won’t starve. We are blessed, blessed, blessed. And my house still smells like cinnamon:)

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat. I am thinking your family is so blessed to have you. You are positive , optimistic and such an upbeat person!! It’s great that you are getting your finances sorted!! Well done !!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kpat! Thanks for your post on my thread! I will feel better when we rule out any heart issues concerning my Mother. She has 1 stint already! I lost my Husband 21 months ago, my Father when I was 16 years old and we have buried 2 Step Fathers. One of which was in my life for 30 years. I have only one Aunt left who is 92 years old. All of my Mother’s sibling are gone. I need to hold on to my Mother as long as I can. Even though we do have our differences, she is my Mom. You last post was very positive! It is awesome when you can see progress in your finances when you stop gambling. It is amazing how far I can make money stretch now! I like when you said that you are blessed. I feel that way everyday! Take care.

[lizbeth4]

P.S. I like my thread title also. Feeling hopeful explains how I feel everyday!!!!

[kpat]

I got the job and it comes with a nice increase in pay too!
I start Moday. Now I have to figure out how to complete my quarterly report in ONE DAY! I have to finish it or else. I have been very busy making sure everyone’s evaluations are done, because it will be anyday now that the branch I am leaving is going to be audited by our Corporate compliance officer. I want them to do well as it really is a reflection on me.
I am ready for a change, but a little nervous too. The new office is three times the patient census and employees. There has been some unhappiness there and one clinical manager walked out on Tuesday because she was so unhappy. I hope to be able to bring their team back together again. Personalities are always the hard thing. I truly believe it is hardly ever about the job or the work itself that makes someone quit. It is nearly always about the coworkers.
I spoke too soon about the overdrafts. Apparently I forgot to pay the car insurance, so I had to take the fee in the chin. Very, very frustrated about money. I should not have this problem. We make a nice living. I just gambled to the brink and am paying for it dearly. I mean I really must have lost my mind somewhere back there in that casino! I will
probably have to wait right up until Christmas to be able to shop.

[kpat]

Vera
I am discovering that my husband is not a CG! He must have really loved me to have gone with me all these years. He talks to me about gambling, but he is not having urges or really any problems with quitting.. He looks at me like I have two heads when I tell him I want to gamble. Apparently he would have been ok to stop anytime. I would pitch some amazingly awful fits to get him to tae me. I will spare you on some of the lies I would tell him about the bills in order to let him think we could afford it. Basically, I need the help in quitting and he needs to learn to stand up to me. He wanted to keep me happy so he went along with my scheming. He never has wanted the responsibility of the household finances, so it was easy for me to dig this hole so deep. Now, I m not saying that he didn’t spend a lot too, but he was just as happy to play the games for free on the computer. He trusted me to not take out more than we could afford. Then I would “remember” all the bills on the way home. It is truly a time of reflection right now in our house. He is growing a backbone and I am working on humility.

[p]

Sounds like you are going well, a new job is incredible in light of what has happened.. it is good to see you strong and moving forward and with your husband. Well done.. hope you love your job..

P

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat. Congratulations on the new job! U will be great!!
I was just about to delete my very negative post when’s replied and I thought hey maybe everyone has times like this!!
So today Kpat we willl see the feelings through without gambling!! I actually went to a movie n forgot how low I was feeling!! There are other ways to distract ourselves!!

[kpat]

Last day at my office and I am glad to see the end of that! I was virtually ignored all day. The people in the office there are some of the mmost miserable people I have ever known.
The sales staff and field staff all were very sweet, and sorry to see me go, one even brought me lunch. I should probably focus on that. But it is very hard not to take it personally when you work with a group as small as ours and only one of them can bring themselves to say a proper goodbye. I guess they are as happy to see the back of me as I am them.
I look forward to a new chance with a new set of people. These last 2 1/2 years have taught me that some people just want to be miserable and there is nothing I can do to help that. That is a very hard lesson learned.
I would very happily take myself to the casino tonight. It just feels like that would set me straight. I want to celebrate my new job and celebrate the end of my old one. I want to run to the slots to bury the very hurtful day I just had.
Instead, my husband is working late, my son is out with friends, and my daughter is at my mother’s for dinner. I am home alone and have no plans. Why didn’t I pick up some wine when I was at the store? Gambling and alcohol won’t help, I know this,,,but this is my journal and if I’m not honest here then what is the point?
Arrrggghh!

[vera]

It’s sad to leave your job with “bad feelings” Kpat! Just think of how you would feel if you gambled…I was at a Retirement night out tonight. Good send off. Strangely the guy wasn’t as popular as it seemed tonight
Maybe they got the wrong guy! LOL!
I had to drag myself there and put on my mask. I left early.
Why don’t they have nights out in casinos, not pubs?!
I had a suspicion your hubby wasn’t a Cg or if he was I wondered if he was gambling on the QT!
Weak men make their CG wives very poor by enabling them to gamble!!!
My husband never gambled.
Too scared!
Never had the guts to try to stop me. He walked me into debt by his weakness.
I don’t blame him for my gambling but his weakness did not help !
Over and out!

[kpat]

Today is a beautiful day. Clear, blue sky and I woke up feeling great! I didn’t have any alcohol in the house so I didn’t drink or gamble last night. I am appreciating recovery right now. I remember the skipping thoughts and crazy insomnia after 8 hrs of slot play. The addiction wants me to remember playing as a fun time, but it wasn’t fun for me anymore. I remember crying, nearly hysterical in my kitchen, begging and pleading with my husband to say No to me the next time. Clutching and grasping at him, feeling suicidal, feeling like I was going to vomit from the pain of it all. Feeling out of control, a failure as a Mother, a wife, a Christian that had no faith. I remember that night! And I remember going to gamble many times even after that night. Today I am looking at my addiction very clearly. I still have it, I can still be fooled by myself.
Today, we will buy our Christmas tree. We will decorate the house tomorrow. I am feeling great! I don’t have to hang my head this morning. I am gamblefree today. Just for today I am free. The lying addiction voice is quiet this morning:)

[icandothis]

Hi Kpat, I just know you will have a wonderful day with your family finding the perfect Christmas tree for this very special holiday season.
It’s amazing how much pain we allow ourselves to go through before we say enough is enough. I remember screaming and pounding the counters all by myself at our trailer. I couldn’t believe the sounds that were coming out of my mouth. I sounded like a wounded animal. At the time I thought, I want to remember this because it will help me to never gamble again. But I gambled again, and again, and again!
I pray this is it for us, Kpat. I am glad you have barriers in place and are free to enjoy this blessed season with your family!

[kpat]

Thank you Ican,
We didn’t end up getting a tree today. The plans got changed. We ended up in Orlando with my sister and brother-in-law. They called when we were out this morning and invited us to go to Bass Pro Shop with them….no kids! Just grown ups and it was so funny because my husband had just shownn me a gift card he had from last year ($25) that he had never used. So we just up and dumped the teenager back at the house and had the best day ever. We ate at Moonfish for 1/2 price happy hour then went next door to The Meting Pot for chocolate fondue. She treated me to a Hawaiian Cosmo (fabulous)! We bought a few Christmas gifts and all total spent about 9 hours laughing and having a blast.
So I did end up celebrating my new job.
I took the teenager’s phone with me and hid the video game controllers, so he had a productive day completing a
ton of homework! Trust me, you must not feel bad for him. We took him out to breakfast this morning and he procrastinates so bad about homework sometimes you have to take away the distractions.
Being on the interstate at night reminded me of all the trips to the casino, but just a reminder. No real desire to go. What a great day I had today!

[Anonymous]

Hey Kpat, what a great day out. Isn’t is just great to do normal things. I completely get it about your son and homework . I have the same issues in my house. Don’t you find that it is easier to apply a bit of discipline when you are not feeling guilty and distracted by gambling.
I had a good night too. Went to a party!!

Oh the little things we had forgotten were such fun!!

J

[kpat]

Lights are on the house and the back deck. My hb forgot that he was aggravated last year and tossed nearly all the house lights in the trash, so we don’t have enough to make it around the front completely. That means another trip to Walmart! We bought the tree and it’s in the stand, but we didn’t pay enough attention to the bottom and so our tree is much shorter after trimming and it has a bare spot:) I am smiling….what a funny scene we must have made for the neighbors, out in the front yard with a small chainsaw. He changed that tree from 7ft. To 5 1/2 in about a minute. Totally unnecessary for what he was doing, I just think he likes power tools! We have small house so its fine, but it is definitely a smaller tree than the last few years.
We had a great service at church and we took our pastor and his wife to lunch today. They have a one year old baby who is precious beyond words. She is adopted and I know they struggle with those adoption costs. That lunch was well overdue, but we had zero money up until now. Thankfully, they were conservative and we didn’t break the bank. IT FEELS AMAZING TO BE ABLE TO SIT WITH THEM WITHOUT GUILT AND SHAME! That lunch meant a lot to them. What a wonderful benefit of not gambling!!
I start my new job tomorrow:)

[vera]

Hope you get on well on your first day (and every day) in your new job kpat!
Does your pastor know about your gambling?
I “confided” in the “Pastor Bone”again, yesterday!
He always forgives and says “Start again”
odaat!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat! How lovely to have such fun putting up your Xmas tree. I love that you took friends out for a meal.

When I wrote my bizarre post I somehow knew that you would get it , so thank you for your reply!

Isn’t it amazing the thing we threw away like meals with friends etc!!
So delighted for you.

[kpat]

I got flowers delivered today from my new boss and she took me to lunch!
What a very nice way to be welcomed.

Vera,, I think our Pastor knows, but not from us. I never had the courage to tell them. My husband and I went before the church and asked for prayer. (They even annointed us with oil). First time I ever had that done. This happened about 2weeks before we self-excluded. Those two weeks was the most frantic binge we ever had. It was pure chaos after we were prayed over. I truly believe that GOd brought things, or else allowed things to come to a very painful end so that when we stoped we had a very strong reason to seek Recovery.
It may sound far out there to some people, but this is my walk and I believe there is power in my Higher power. That’s what helped me have the courage to ban. I wanted to keep gambling. I just didn’t want the consequences of losing. (I suppose, if I am honest , I still feel that way.) I really can’t handle the consequences of gambling. I have to remind myself everyday.

[icandothis]

God works in mysterious ways, Kpat! I can so relate to what you said about wanting to keep gambling, but not wanting the consequences of losing. Like you, I feel like I really can’t handle the consequences anymore. Not just of losing, but of the whole thing. I appreciate your honesty, as I have really been struggling today.

[Anonymous]

Kpat, that doesn’t soundest out. Scientific research sit-up ports that when people are prayed for thy recover much more quickly.
Only God could have brought us all through what we have been through!
He had plans for us all!!

[vera]

I believe God helps those who help themselves and He “won’t be mocked!”
My motto is ” pray as if everything depends on God and act as if everything depends on you”! No point in sitting back watching the “lifeboats” sail by ! Time to get out the oars and start rowing ! God doesn’t supply magic wands!!
I have reservations about “healing”. Mainly because I have seen people claiming to be “healers” when in truth they couldn’t heal a sock! (Ego maniacs, some of them!)
In reality, to stop gambling means a CG needs to change his/her life! Nobody can do this for us. Most people resist change!
God honours our humble efforts and is beside us in our struggles. I have witnessed that many times, firsthand!
Everything I achieve is by His Grace!
When I “mess up”it is by my own indiscipline and my refusal to co operate with His Will!
I don’t think God wants any of us to “do it my way” and to throw our money into machines. Only the “Casino gods” want that!
Sometimes we use “God” as a cop out instead of facing our own issues!
Time to wake up!!!!

[kpat]

Thank you Ican, Sad, and Vera, Overcoming the gambling urges and consequences of my weakness and bad actions is so hard!!!!
I think we are all on a journey and if we want that journey to turn out right, we have to know it is not all about what we want. What I want is not always the best for me. When we really understand that we reap what we sow. It is easy to understand the bad outcomes that come from addiction. I mean all addictions have some negative outcomes.
I totally agree with you Vera that there are people that are charlatains and prey on the spiritually weak for their own glory.
Temptation never comes from God, it comes from our own minds or the devil himself. The strength to resist temptation can be found in ourselves as well, but I have to lean on my faith because I can’t do this by myself. I tried. I failed so many times.
I do believe a person could be healed in an instant. I have seen and heard stories. That doesn’t seem to be what God has in mind for me. I think I am going to have to battle this gambling thing until the day I die. During times of trials and temptation I am being worked on. I am being honed and pressed into something better. I am one day going to be able to help someone else when they are going through a battle.
Make no mistake, God will not be mocked. We will reap what we sow, and this is not just a threat or warning, it is also a promise. If we sow things of the spirit we will reap spiritual things. I am trying so hard not to keep sowing to the flesh, because that has brought about my desttruction.

[kpat]

I was just thinking of some of the things I tried to help myself quit gambling.
I wore a rubber band around my wrist for 2 weeks one time. Ever time I got a thought or urge I would pop it. Then I needed the rubberband for a file and used the one on my wrist. That experiment was probably a year ago… it worked until it didn’t. Lol

[vera]

Kpat!

I laughed at the idea of the rubber band! Two weeks!! Lucky you didn’t get gangrene!
I would need one around my neck to block the thoughts in my brain!
The good think about God is when He forgives, He forgets! So why are we torturing ourselves by reflecting on the destruction we caused!
I suppose it helps us on a human level, to reflect on our past deeds.
Now, I think I need a hundred rubber bands!!!

[kpat]

There are a lot of people hurting right now. This is a hard time of year. This is the time of year when we want to be happy. We are told by everyone to be merry. That’s a lot of pressure.
I don’t really know how I am going to put gifts under the tree this year. I know, whatever we do, it wont be on the same monetary level as years past. It will be ok. I am going to bask in the season. I am going to concentrate on every good thing I can.

[kpat]

I think I am going to go completely bonkers somedays. The difficulty of balancing such a financial mess is really taking a toll on me. I have this new job and new people to manage. They need a stable Administrator. They don’t need or want my baggage. I have to act the part. I was invited to lunch by some ladies in the office. I had brought a tuna sandwich for lunch. I went, I couldn’t turn them down, not when I am trying to build rapport. The office adopted a needy family to buy for for Christmas. (I must contribute). The church has a gift exchange tonight. That’s 3 gifts, I have to purchase. (Our 21 yr old can pony up for her own). Everyone thinks we are rolling in it! We should be!!
We have such debt and bills. It would boggle the mind of a non-gambler to understand the financial destruction I have caused. Still have to go on, still have to participate. This is juggling 101. My son told me the other day that his friends think we are rich. (Ha ha!) We have a tiny house and I have told people before that we decided to stay and not upgrase because we didn’t want to be house poor, with a big mortgage. Truth is we are terrible with money, we have crap credit from gambling for years. We couldn’t have upgraded if we tried and certainly not now.
So, I am exhausted, wearing this mask that all is good and ok. I am not really depressed, just tired!
We are going to get the oil changed in my car this morning. I finally have the funds to do that. (I have to keep my vehicle going). Going to go buy the gifts for the exchange tonight and we have to bring the Meat for the potluck. (Again, we on the surface, look as if we have more money than others at our church). They look at us for help. We have very good jobs and they know it. Many of our congregation are elderly or have financial hardships. We are supposed to be the stable family.
Just tired. Really really tired and broke and have been stupid with money.
Tomorrow will be two months since I gambled. Longest time I’ve managed in probably two years:)

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, thank you for your lovely post on my thread. I needed to be reminded that God loves sinners and is always ready for our return. I wonder did Saul ever gamble?
I don’t quite agree with ‘God won’t be mocked ‘ in the context of addiction. I feel that God understands that none if us would freely choose addiction. We are enslaved. I know God will lead us out of this slavery just like with Moses. Whether thats in an instant or over time is all to do with His plan..
I do believe in healing also and I believe that when we examine our thoughts and start to call on God each time he will help us. I am going to return to the site ” setting captives free” as they have a course for compulsive gamblers.

Kpat, Christmas is difficult. I am going to hand it over to God and trust him to sort it. He will sort it for both of us

[vera]

Yes, Kpat,
it is tiring leading a double life. Playing two parts. We should be given a Oscar!
In truth many people do that in a way. We need to compartmentalize our lives and not allow private issue overlap into our professional lives.
CGs are BAD with boundaries!
Maybe you can use the excuse of being strapped for cash pro tem due to your recent job change and give ” I O U” gifts which will “mature” when your “boat” comes in early in January.
I have avoided lots of events purely because I didn’t have €50 to pay my way, then a few days later I would pop 500 in a slot machine.
ARE WE CGs CRAZY??????????????????

[kpat]

Today makes 2 months since I have gambled.
I have tried to remember the last time I made it this long and it has to have been at least three years, maybe even five years. This is a huge accomplishment for me personally.
I am sleeping better and just beginning to chip away at the financial damage. I am so glad to have hope that this is the beginning of a new and happier life. (ONE DAY AT A TIME! THANK YOU GOD!)

[micky]

Well done kpat 🙂 My calendar 2 months wil be on wednesday 17/12/2014. 🙂 And i too am only chipping away at the financial damage but small chips turn into big chunks eventually 🙂

[vera]

Well done kpat!
You hit the ground running!
Don’t look back!

[kpat]

We went to a Holiday Chorus performance tonight for my son. The teenagers were really talented.
My Mother came and I told her it had been two months since we gambled. She mumbled “Good for you”, then immediately asked me if the boots I was wearing were a pair she had bought for me. It nearly made my head spin, how fast she changed the subject.
The new job is going as well as can be expected. There are people who have not been getting along and they all want me on their side……..I am trying to not be sucked into the history they have with each other.
I am coming down with a cold and can”t decide if Ii should stay home sick tomorrow or not. I don’t want them to think I am a slacker, but I also don’t want to spread this crud through the office either.
One thing I can say is, the complete change in routine has quieted most of the gambling urges. I have been too busy lately to be bothered. Still broke, but not making it worse by gambling is bound to pay off eventually, right?

[bettie]

Kpat the financal recover can be a very long process.
I stopped gambling ( with a few blips) almost 5 years ago. My finances as almost as bad as ever.
My new year plan is to get a hold of myself financally.
Don’t be discouraged. This is a odaat thing.
Maybe coming “clean” with your pastor will help you.
Getting rid of the expecation that you can do more than you really can might take that stress off your plate.
The truth can set us all free.
bettie

[Anonymous]

Hi KPat, congratulations on two months gambling free. It is good to see the finances recover a little but even better when u look at your family and see all the time and energy you have been able devote to them!!
You are wise to stay out of the office politics. It is difficult motto take sides sometimes.
Keep strong and well done !!

[vera]

I really admire the way you are handling your Recovery Kpat!
Attending school events, looking after your family, starting a new job etc.
As Bettie says, it takes a long time to sort out losses and debt.
When I joined GT in 2008 I owed €120k. If I had STOPPED GAMBLING THEN I would be debt free now. (If only!)
I didn’t stop.
I took early retirement on ill health grounds this year. (gambling contributed hugely to the decline in my health!)
I will be paying off my debt for another 4 years!
I’m telling you this K , to highlight the importance of staying stopped!
STOPPING is far easier than STAYING STOPPED!
I wish I had never gone back once I stopped….no point in rambling though! I nearly CRY when I think of all the money I threw away. €250k in all.
I could be rich now.
Most of all , I could be healthy!
Take a fool’s advice K and don’t gamble.
It’s a mug’s game!

[bettie]

LOL KPat! I was out with my mom yesterday and found one. I bought it an this whole condo smells of it! Very nice-I have been thinking of you since yesterday!
bettie

[p]

Well done on not gambling.. your mums response to you not gambling may be that she still wants to gamble.. ? i think its wonderful you have your gamlbe free time and coming up to christmas and a fresh start to a new year.. well done.. you are doing great. Awesome job

P

[kpat]

Thank you all so much for your posts. I have been really sick the last few days. I missed two days from work. I was back today and tonight we had the Christmas party at a restaraunt at a local airport. (Small airport) it was very nice and free. I was able to dance for one song and had a couple of cocktails. Now I am remembering that I am still not 100%, so am completely wiped out. I have got to go shopping tomorrow to get the groceries for our Christmas Eve party. We have an open house every year. Lots of different people come over and we have a fire iutside and hot chocolate stand for the kids. Before we really started gambling, we would boil crab legs and have raw and steamed oysters. Needless to say, we can’t afford that anymore, so now we have everyone bring their favorite finger foods.
Have to buy a few gifts too. I can’t really wait any longer, we have one small pay check coming Christmas Eve, but that will be too hard, to prep the party and shop. Hoping my money will stretch to cover all the gifts.
My cinnamon broom has lost its punch, so I may buy some candles to help mask the dog smell. My husband has washed the livingroom area rug to help with the smell, but it may be too late for that rug. It really stinks. I dont have the money to replace it, so we have it hanging on the deck now to hopefully air it out.
Now that I said all that, I was really missing the casino tonight. I told my husband on the way home tonight just how badly I missed it. He said “think about this, here wee are driving down this highway, on our way home. We had a good time. We didn’t go to the casino, we have money for shopping tomorrow. Now picture this same ride if we were on our way home from there. We would have no money, we would be in the hole. It is Christmas and what would we do? You would be a mess right now!”
I know for a fact he is so right. This is a much, much better way to live. That self-exclusion on 10-14-14 saved our Christmas!

[Anonymous]

Kpat, a great post. The self exclusion saved your Christmas and who knows what else… That’s a lovely idea about the open house . I wish I had though of doing something like that. My house used to be full of people but no one ever calls anymore. I need to address that but how you describe your rug just about describes my whole house.
Can you get one of those pet smell neutraliser sprays or powders. That might do the trick with your rug.?

Kpat, despite your gambling you have kept your house very much a home. You should give yourself credit for that.
You are kinda amazing you know!!

[kpat]

I am so mad at myself! I bought a $20 scratch off card and it has just about killed me today. I asked my husband yesterday to stop ans let me play the lottery and buy some cards and he drove right past the convenience stores that sell them. I asked him why he didn’t stop and he said, “you told me not to let you if you ever asked again.” So…I guess it was brewing. We have been spending a lot of money on gifts yesterday and today too and we went out for lunch both days. Is spending money a trigger? So today, I just walked right past him and our son at the grocery store and went up to a machine that sold them. I thought maybe he would stop me but he didn’t notice. I kept waiting for him to ask me if I won. When he didn’t, I felt terrible because if I didn’t tell him, then I would have to add lying to my guilt list. I told him about 3 hours later. He was disapointed, but told me it was alright. It isn’t, really!
So I have confessed here too.
Uggh, I wonder if I would feel this bad if I had won. (There’s a CG phrase for you!)

[bettie]

There is no “win” once a cg crosses the invisable line into compulsive gambling.
If I “won” a million dollars I would gamble away one million and one.
I would caution that you have woke the voice and it will scream for more. Don’t feed it Kpat~there’s only pain on that path.
Been there-done that.
bettie

[velvet]

Dear kpat
It is impossible for a non-CG to really understand how you feel – I think your husband is still learning how to cope and he will say the wrong things sometimes because that’s what we do! I spent 25 years saying and doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons, we need guidance and support too and we don’t always know where to find it. When my CG determined to control his addiction, I asked him to help me so that I wouldn’t put my great foot in it and it was one of the best things I ever did. Keep communication open with your husband, letting him know what does and does not help.
I think you did win when the scratch card caused you to feel terrible, you had a slip and fortunately it hurt which hopefully will make you more determined.
Consumerism is trying to hijack Christmas and sadly many thousands of families will feel the misery of debt – on top of that those who would encourage you to give in to your addiction will be doing their damndest to relieve you of any money and hope you have. Having read all your thread tonight I know that you are aware of the true meaning of Christmas – love is more important than any present and that includes loving yourself. You described a wonderful day in Orlando earlier in your thread, hang in there kpat because there are many, many more wonderful days to be had in control of your addiction.
I think this is a particularly tough time for a CG so keep posting, I know it takes tremendous courage to control your addiction but I know you can do it.
Thinking about you at this special time
Velvet

[kpat]

Thank you Bettie and thank you Velvet!
I do believe I woke up the beast. Yesterday, I surfed the web for future trips to distant casinos. I then read both your posts and went back and read my entire thread. I can’t go back to those days. I am seeing progress in my thoughts and healthier ways of coping. I want to be gamble free. I want to stay gamble free. That one ticket reset some of my thinking and I was planning, planning again. That scares me. I don’t have the money to go on a trip, but what about when I do?
I know I will not gamble today or tomorrow. But what about next month? Today is enough I guess, just worry about today.

[kpat]

Getting the house in order for our Christmas eve party. It is going to rain, in fact it has already started raining. That really puts a dent in the plans. We need to be able to be on the back porch and backyard. We usually have a fire in the fire pit. Last year, we had about 30 people here at one time, it’s an open house, so some people just drop in for a few minutes. I am stressing about this rain! I guess we will sit on each other’s laps if we cant use the outside.
Cleaning bathrooms and cutting up cheese and pickles. Crockpot weenies are cooking. Have tons to do still. All the gifts are wrapped. The dog has been bathed. There is a fly in the house and I cant get it to land so I can kill it.
Yes, yes, I have a little ADD..haha.
blessings abound! If I have all this to do, that means we have lots of love too!
Got to get Back to it now, Merry Christmas to all:)

[lizbeth4]

Merry Christmas!

[Anonymous]

Merry Christmas Kpat. I hope you party was brill. I am here after three in morning getting dinner prepped an helping “Santy” as we call him in Ireland .
Have a great Christmas

[icandothis]

Thanks for the Christmas wishes, Kpat. I hope you and your family had a very blessed Christmas!

[kpat]

I tried very hard to go to the casino boat this evening. I used all the old tricks, I pleaded and threatened, I shamed him (he gets nervous about sea sickness). I am not proud of any of my behavior. My son told me if we went, he wouldn’t speak to me for a month. I did not care……? I am such a piece of work sometimes! My husband stood up to me (the beast). He kept saying no, and when we were finally in the car, he drove past the exit, all with me seething…and into some of the worst post-holiday traffic I have ever seen. We ended up at a very large shopping mall, it was packed with people. People come here from all over the world. I bought a new pair of slippers and a pair of white jeans. We bought him a light weight sweater. All at super low prices! We shared an appetizer and had salad at a bistro.
He did end up buying $25 worth of scratch off tickets. Feeling very glad that he was stronger tonight.
He was the barrier. I am so glad we did not go. I am going
to get a good night’s sleep. I am not in the hole from this evening.
I am not sure how I feel about all that happened, but I really do love these slippers. I have not played a slot in 2 1/2 months, but I am struggling.

[kpat]

I have been thinking about what triggered such a strong desire for me to act out and try to gamble. There have been quite a few.
I talked with my Dad about the ban. He was happy and wanted me to suggest it to Mom. I already have. We talked about jackpots and times he went to casinos. My parents were high rollers for several years before my Dad put a stop to it. He likes to gamble but doesn’t because of Mom’s addiction. They are planning a cruise in Feb. And got a huge comp. Because of the gambling they both did on their last cruise in Dec 2013. (Triggers here for me)
I spent a lot of money on Christmas. Just the act of spending like that seemed like a trigger.
I bought that scratch off ticket and then bought another a few days later.
I had cash in my purse! Got to change that. I am monumentally in debt, but have to save some to make some big pay payments and that takes determination and patience. I have very little of either.
No gambling today. Going to church andthen home safe away from temptation. I feel like I am starting over in recovering my desire to stay away from gambling. I can’t believe how easily I lost my resolve. I hate that I have this addiction!!!

[icandothis]

Kpat, I know what you are going through. I think post-Christmas is a huge trigger. At least it is for me. We put so much into this one day, and then it is over. Kind of a let down, even if it was a nice day.
My husband used to take me for a little gambling getaway after Christmas, that is until he realized that I had a problem. I cannot stop myself from wanting to do that again. I have been so out of sorts the last couple of days. Ready to explode. We have been somewhat busy, but I am still so restless.
There has been tension between us, also, and it is just now that I think I see why. To my husband’s credit, he did plan a getaway the day after Christmas, but we had three dogs here and couldn’t find anyone to watch them. I think he would be up for almost anything, as long as it doesn’t include gambling.
I am glad you did not end up gambling. Hold on tight, these days will pass and better and brighter days are on their way!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat , I too lost my resolve over Christmas and I gambled . I feel huge regret now but what’s done is done.
It is so hard sometimes. You are lucky you have your whole family supporting you, although at the time it may see as if they are working against your wishes.
You have done so well Kpat. Hang in there the urges will pass!!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat , I too lost my resolve over Christmas and I gambled . I feel huge regret now but what’s done is done.
It is so hard sometimes. You are lucky you have your whole family supporting you, although at the time it may see as if they are working against your wishes.
You have done so well Kpat. Hang in there the urges will pass!!!

[velvet]

Hi Kpat
I just popped over to see how you were doing and to wish you a Happy New Year.
Losing resolve is one thing and acting on it is quite another. You are recovering your desire to control your addiction and that is retaking your resolve.
I hope that buying scratch cards again, a few days after you had bought some indicates to you how much you need to be on your guard in these early days.
I would argue, having read your thread that you do have determination. Patience is harder and I am aware of how much patience you need BUT the reward for your patience will be great. One day at a time is all you have to worry about – be patient for one day and believe me one day you will be strong – if it wasn’t true I wouldn’t be here.
Your dad, son and husband sound great supports. I would suggest that you tell your husband that buying scratch cards is not good for you. He possibly felt a little gamble was a reward for him standing up to you earlier – those of us who love CGs need to learn what is good and what is not if we are to give the support you need.
Hope the slippers keep you warm and safe in 2015
Velvet

[kpat]

Thank you Ican, Sad, and Velvet for your encouraging posts.
We have family here visiting. They are staying with my sister, she has a beautiful home. We have gotten together with them for the last three evenings. My cousin and his family came to watch the Outback Bowl game.
CG in that family too. My oldest cousin, son of my uncle who died after a major heartattack just months after being caught out for embezzlement. We talked about the family addiction. He showed me his private site for betting on his phone. (It scared me to death for him). All the while I am scared for him, sick over how animated my mother gets talking to him about gambling, yet my own urges are So Strong! We all played a dice game one night. 10 of usl then 11played. It was a gambling game, low stakes, I loved it. But hated it because the teenagers and my 8 year old nephew was allowed to play too. I thought. Well this is how it gets passed along to the next generation…..the 8 year old won. They showered him with the money. He was grinning ear to ear. Oh God, pleases protect that sweet child. Seemed innocent to most of the family. Seemed sinister to me. There were at least three of us that are fullblown CGs around that table. Who knows who among the young ones will be next.
struggling here.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, your post could have been written about my family.
So many CGs..
The Xmas card game and four CGs around the table . I couldn’t join in but my husband and son played .
I hope my son has inherited my husbands genes in this matter.. Not mine!

It definitely is a trait which runs in families .. Is it nature it nurture ? In not sure

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat I know what you mean about family addictions. Sadly these can be I think picked up and passed down to the next generation. The positive though is you yourself are so aware of the horrors of this addiction. I also pray that child does not ever have to face what others have and are facing.

In the UK kids are allowed to play 1p and 10p slots in the arcades that are on most UK coast lines. Its mad as if we groom them for whats to come. Casinos, bookmakers and the like. Knowledge and education is a must for younger people to warn them of where an unchecked like for gambling can lead.

Maybe just maybe there wont be a “next” one in your family. Can the buck so to speak stop with you ? I hope so I really do. Thanks for your support Kpat on my little corner here. John

[Anonymous]

No Kpat , how’s things with you?
Hope u are still resisting those urges .

[JohnNobody]

Hows things Kpat ? update no matter what the situation would be good. How are you ? people here care .

[kpat]

Day 3
Starting over again. I couldn’t face my own journal. It wasn’t a slip. It was very deliberate. It took planning and a lot of travel. No excuses from me. I do feel that all the casinos are the same now. This put the brakes on wanting to go to Vegas or Biloxi on vacation.THEY ALL EQUALLY BITE! Finances are bad. Same as always. God is good, SAME AS ALWAYS!

[lizbeth4]

Hi kpat! I am sorry that you are starting over. It is good that you are able to come back here and say it. No judgments here!! We have all been there. I was reading back on your thread and read about playing a gambling game with family. I think that most of us here have CG’S in our families. My Mother and Sister are definitely CG’s but are in denial. When I told them that I had a gambling problem they both didn’t have much to say and kind of dismissed me. I guess it hit too close to home. There is a lot of addiction issues within my family, alcohol and drugs. I managed to dodge those but the gambling. Don’t get too discouraged! You came back here and you are taking responsibility for your actions. Keep strong and keep going!! Take care.

[JohnNobody]

KPAT This is quick as im almost out the door but my heart goes out to you. I know how much you want to kick this filthy addiction to the edges. But you came back!!! You shared and you are committed. The shame is only there when we allow it to be and try to hide it from ourselves.

So today is another day. And yes ALL casinos are the same offline or on. They will if we allow them to destroy us. As CGs we can never do recreational gambling. You have shown massive strength coming here. Rooting for you Kpat!!!!!!! Come on Fight!

[vera]

Glad to see you are “starting again” Kpat!

Every CG starts again every day , whether we gamble or not!

Life is all about picking up the pieces and starting over.
Nothing is perfect!
Planning in advance is “my way” too. I usually dismiss the first urge but when I give it a second thought it develops into a craving which takes a bit of planning to satisfy!
That’s why having no money is good. It puts space between the thought and the action.
Ask yourself “Where did the money to gamble come from?”

[bettie]

Well Kpat I too can say I have been in your shoes.
Barriers are a tool-just one of many we need to give us time to think, clear our heads, disect just what’s going on.
I had many starts and stops but didn’t get any real “clean time” until I went to GA.
I know you don’t want to hear that-Harry drilled that in my head many many times until I got it.
No debit cards, no credit cards, no cash= no gambling!
This is serious cr*p-we are in the fight of our lives.
“Prison, insanity or death” We all have a choise here. We are powerless over gambling. There will come a time that choising not to gamble will become easier. Get all the support you can.
bettie

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, I am so pleased that you have posted. I too had a slip during the holidays And its the worse feeling in the world. I hope things are getting brighter .

[kpat]

Thank you all fot your support. Things are looking brighter. We went to an outdoors birthday party for a one year old. There were good people there and lots of food. Almost bought a scratch off today, but thought of a better use for the $. Our son was off overnight for a leadership conference and ne was chosen to represent his district at the state event. I am very proud of him.
Found some peppers growing on some plants we grew from seeds in the backyard. It was like finding treasure. We thought the bugs or the cold had taken them all.
I spent last night completely alone. Husband worked a second shift and our daughter was out. It gave me time to read all the posts I had missed.
I am doing well mentally. I realize that the stretch I had gamble free was not wasted. I have learned a lot about myself and this last night of gambling was a real eye opener for me. I have more to do to protect myself. I really have a lot of work to do in my thought life. I wont be able to say that 2015 was gamble free, but I will be able to say that I am healing. The noose is not strangling me. I am getting stronger.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, I know what you mean. A slip, while leaving us feeling devastated Is also a good reminder to us that this is an addiction, we are not cured even if we have had gamble free time. I suppose we are learning from our mistakes
Thank you or your post on my thread. The anxiety seems to have taken hold and is proving difficult to shift .
Hang in there . Dates aren’t important . Having a good life with your family is . Your son sounds fabulous by the way!

[bettie]

Hey Kpat,
Don’t let that thought that 2015 won’t be 100% “clean” as an excuse to gamble.
The adictive voice is a strange deamon. It takes our weaknesses and flaws and runs with them.
I think I speak for more than just myself when I say I have had that “oh well I screwed up so might at well” thought process.
Lets say you did “win” ( because as a CG we never “win”) all it would do is send us right back to the chase bigger payouts that we just give back-and then even more money that we can’t afford to give away.
bettie

[kpat]

I just typed my heart out and lost my connection before it saved.
don’t have the energy to repeat it. Suffice it to say,
all is well here. No gambling! I rembered that I really enjoy crosswords:)

[vera]

I hate when that happens Kpat! Like losing something special!
I have posted some of my heartfelt words to cyber space in the past….I wonder what does in fact happen to them? Do they turn up anywhere?
I hope your recovery is progressing odaat!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat I really like your last sentences of the post you wrote

” I wont be able to say that 2015 was gamble free, but I will be able to say that I am healing. The noose is not strangling me. I am getting stronger.”

very honest of you and great to read you know and feel you are getting stronger. You can really build on this for sure. And never say never with regards to the rest of 2015 being gamble free…. you may end up surprising yourself a little bit like finding those peppers in your garden. Sometimes the small things in life can make a huge difference.

really rooting for you! John

[kpat]

My 16 year old son cussed at me for the first time last night. What a shock that is. I called my own Mother a foul name to her face when I was 16. She slapped my face. I really wish she had never cursed me with that Mother’s curse. “I hope one day, you have a child just like you.”
His Dad set him straight, he let the boy know, that He could not disrepect me like that. Terrible scene at my house.
He has apologized, I am sort of numb.
Have had no gambling urges. I don’t want to run out and gamble. That is good. I just thought I would post this so those of you who pray might remember my family just now. These teenage years are so hard.

[vera]

“His dad set him straight”!
WOW!
How I wish my son’s dad had done likewise when he started his antics at that age!
Knowing the boundaries is half the battle.
My son never learned and guess what?
It’s all my fault!!!!
We mothers sure need strong men to teach our sons to respect us.
If not we have to wait for Divine intervention!
God help your family this day kpat!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, your lovely son is being a normal teenager and pushing the boundaries while still needing them, wanting the safety of his relationship with mum and dad while at the same time trying to move beyond it . Sounds like you and your husband handling of things was textbook, which explains why it took 16 years for this to happen.. I would be so proud of my family if I were you.
I have been having some difficulties with my son and to be honest I am starting to focus on how much I have done right and how good he is…. Not perfect but good .

I remember getting the slap in the face … I still kinda resent it to be honest because I know my brother or sisters wouldn’t have been treated that way .. But then maybe I was more difficult ..

Congratulate yourself on your great marriage, your lovely family and all that you have done so well.. This doesn’t happen by a accident .

[kpat]

Gorgeous morning!
My coffee is hot and the sky is blue. It’s time to be thankful and get busy on my messy house and the piled up laundry. I can’t be lazy today or everyone will have to go around naked!

Thank you Vera and Sad! My boy is trying to become a man and he is forgetting to offer his parents respect as he makes this transition. He is on thin ice right now. I am thankful not to be a single mom. My husband keeps reminding me that we are a team. It is good to hear that. It is probably the reason the teenager still has his teeth. If I hadn’t been able to rely on his Dad, things just might have become violent. I can so understand that face slap I got. I didn’t repeat history, but man oh man I wanted to take him down the other day. Problem is he is now, the boy towers over me! He is so tall and I am a shorty.
Things have quieted down, but the child thinks everything should be forgotten. He wanted to go to a bonfire party tonight and well, we said no! He couldn’t understand why not. Reub looked at him and said, “when you curse out your mother, bad things happen, like you have to miss parties. Try and remember that the next time you get so angry.”
No gambling here. I carried a twenty in my pocket yesterday and thought about a scratch off, but we pulled up to two very sad looking homeless men last evening and my husband wanted to help them, i told him all I had was the $20, and handed it over. He gave it to the old guy and we heard him when he saw the amount, the man wimpered out an “oh, oh” and as he looked down at the bill, he almost tripped and fell. Both our children were in the car with us and they were grinning at how excited the two fellows were.That was the most i have ever given to a street person. They were so happy. The slot machine never thought much of a $20 at all. Giving that away felt amazing!

[vera]

Glad to hear things are becoming calmer in your home kpat. When my son started those teenage antics I was the only one who corrected him, so I quickly became the big bad wolf. My husband let me down very badly in that area. I can’t stand wimps but there is no going back now. My son was like an angel at Christmas. Kissing and hugging me and saying he loved me!!? He knows right from wrong. He was reared to honour his parents but when he sees us dishonouring each other and ourselves, I suppose it becomes confusing. If I had my life all over I would not marry a weak man!!!! I just look at all the work my husband does though and knowing he pays all the bills is a consolation. For that, I count my blessings daily! Things could be much worse! Gambling puts us on the back foot for sure .
Nip that boy in the bud kpat!
He will think all the more of you . Even if you have to stand on a chair to eyeball him!!!
I’m laughing at you giving your $20 to two guys who are most likely addicts!!!! Talk about the blind leading the blind!!!

[vera]

Glad to hear things are becoming calmer in your home kpat. When my son started those teenage antics I was the only one who corrected him, so I quickly became the big bad wolf. My husband let me down very badly in that area. I can’t stand wimps but there is no going back now. My son was like an angel at Christmas. Kissing and hugging me and saying he loved me!!? He knows right from wrong. He was reared to honour his parents but when he sees us dishonouring each other and ourselves, I suppose it becomes confusing. If I had my life all over I would not marry a weak man!!!! I just look at all the work my husband does though and knowing he pays all the bills is a consolation. For that, I count my blessings daily! Things could be much worse! Gambling puts us on the back foot for sure .
Nip that boy in the bud kpat!
He will think all the more of you . Even if you have to stand on a chair to eyeball him!!!
I’m laughing at you giving your $20 to two guys who are most likely addicts!!!! Talk about the blind leading the blind!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat having teenagers myself I have empathy with your situation. Kids can be rotten at this age and it can make us go have nuts or fully nuts. You have done well to keep things level. My rule is when they live at home its the parents rule not the kids end off. What is really positive is despite of your daily challenges you continue to fight your own battle. This is so good. It can be easy just to give up due to external pressures not related to our addiction. And to read how you gave you 20 to those people 🙁 …. well that speaks volumes. VOLUMES of who you are.

Passing on random acts of giving is something too rare in this world. You made a difference with your act of kindness! What a brilliant thing to read here on your thread.

[JohnNobody]

And one last note what you wrote here

“The slot machine never thought much of a $20 at all. Giving that away felt amazing!”

sums up much!!! so much!!!

[lizbeth4]

Hi kpat, you are doing the right things for your teen. They will try you and it does take a lot of patience to deal with them. Hang in there. I noticed yesterday that there were a lot of homeless people begging on the streets. I see one once in awhile in the small town I live in. Very sad. Some are addicts but a lot have mental issues and end up on the streets. My 9 year old grandson and I have stopped and given money to help them. I think it is good to help others and it is good for the kids to see how others live. Anyways, hang in there and stand your ground with your son. He will appreciate it when he is grown.

[vera]

On the topic of giving to people living in the street street- I have mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I give them a fiver Sometimes, I just pass by. Don’t know why! Maybe because, deep down I know money is not the answer to their problem. Fine line between enabling and helping. Years ago, I would buy a Mc Donald’s and take it to them. Now, sadly, it’s a bag of heroine they want, not chips!!!

[kpat]

Thank you Vera, John, and Lizbeth, I love all your comments!
Parenting my daughter was easy, however she is 21 now and has a lot to learn about life. She is not currently in college, works part time and needs us to help pay some of her bills. She has taken several courses at the State college her, but has a terrible time with finals. She has the worst test anxiety I have ever seen. Her future is a bit worrisome. I couldn’t ask for a sweeter, kinder daughter, but I have no idea how she will support herself. She was engaged and was supposed to get married last October, but they broke up not long before the nuptials. They had dated 3 years. It was probably a good thing. He had a problem with lying over the silliest things. He always wanted everyone to think the best of him, even if it wasn’t true. I am glad they are not together, but I know my daughter is still grieving the loss of that dream.
My son, well he is agenius. He sings, he has his teacher’s wrapped around his fingers. He is so charming and handsome, he is also a know it all, smart mouth. He is such a wonderful kid to everyone but us. I think he really believes that we don’t understand him. We are so proud of him, but have to reign him in constantly. He made some of the best test scores in the state, brilliant! I adore him, but I can’t hardly talk to him lately without wanting to strangle him. His behavior made me call up my own Mother and apologize. He is just like me!
As far as giving money to people on the street……….
I laughed at your comment Vera, we gave that to a very old man and a what appeared to be a mentally challenged young man who was with him. (They may have been addicts, but they were so pitiful). I told my kids that we gave them enough for a pint and a meal!!!
Later that same evening we were approached in a parking lot by a guy on a bike who was asking us for money, Now that guy was on drugs! No doubt he was tweeking (my 16 year old’s term). Eyes huge, pressured speechl the whole bit. We did not give him money. I guess I try to use judgement. I don’t really have money to give away. I have debts that I have not addressed in months. I have Big debt. But I remember a preacher when I was a teenager and he said this about giving money away. “It is up to the person you give it to, it is up to them what they do with it. If your heart is right when you give them a dollar and they use it
for drugs, that’s not your problem. That’s their problem.
God saw your heart and he will bless the giver.”
There are too many people here that live on the streets. People come to Florida in the winter because most nights they won’t freeze if they can’t find shelter. It is unbelievable the sheer number of homeless we have here.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, that was lovely gesture . It is in giving that we receive..my old granny who was born in 1900 always said, if you are generous your purse will never be empty!!

Your son sounds wonderful.. I think a mum knows her own kid.. Some kids need more firm handling than others.. I often wonder where I went wrong.. My boy is so timid!! If I raise my voice he dissolves.. And he has such anxiety too..
Your daughter will meet someone wonderful but a broken heart and broken dreams take time to heal.. Not easy when you are trying to concentrate on your studies .
I agree with you about giving. It is difficult to know why people end up on the street.. I am so close to it myself right now I am cannot relax for a moment!!
It has actually made me realise how brave homeless people are. I just wouldn’t go on, I couldn’t face life if I were I the street …yet they face every day with a desire to survive and a hope that things will improve , without any of the comforts we take for granted!

You are a good person Kpat.. Never change!!

[micky]

Kpat, thanks for your kind post i needed some words of empathy i am dealing with it but it isn’t easy maybe one day we will meet .

[kpat]

It’s Friday night and I have no plans! I am thrilled by the thought of just relaxing. My husband has been a bear the last few days. He has been dealing with an abcessed tooth. I have had to really dig deep for my compassion. I guess it is something in nurses, I just have no patience for my family when they are ill. I KNOW he has been in agony, what is wrong with me? He mmade it to the dentist today and that will be a nice chunk of change (root canals aree not cheap) this makes two in the last 4 months! One ffor the daughter and one for the hb. Our son just broke off a filiing 2weeks ago, so if I don’t want 3, he has to go soon for a repair. I think of all the money lost in the last 5 years and think how easily I could have afforded the preventative care (had I not been gambling) as compared to the major expenses now. Ahhh, the aftermath of gambling continues to haunt!
I have a roast in the crockpot and my feet up, my hb is medicated and I may even get to watch what I want on TV tonight:)
Life is somewhat tangled, but blessings really do abound here. Just have to keep naming them one by one.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, I have had quite a few chats with CGs on here about how dental care is often one if the big things us CGs miss out on. Luckily here kids get free dental care so that is one less thing to worry about. But I urgently need at least two teeth filled and no doubt by the time I can afford it I will end up losing them both.
I hope hubby feels a lot better. A toothache is no joke.
I’m sure nursing is very rewarding but also very hard work, so u deserve to relax. Hope u got control of the tv!!

[Anonymous]

Kpat, your post did not hurt me at all.. I found your post very comforting in fact and I think you are absolutely right. Some things came up in group last night and I just kind to started to see things with new eyes ..
I saw how I had sat back waiting for change , burying the issues i didn’t know I had in gambling, eating , tv etc.. I don’t know why but something changed for me in group. Some nerves were exposed .

I guess my “rant” in my post is a continuation of that process.
I think perhaps I am getting the courage I need to change things …

I am getting stuff out of my system.

Sorry if it came across otherwise because when I read your post my thoughts were look at how God is using Kpat to reach me , to get me to stop accepting the unacceptable .

You couldn’t hurt me Kpat. I scan the thread for a few people’s posts and you are always one of them. I am going through down stuff but u know I have made it clear that I am no longer accepting anything less than respect and I can feel change in my home already !!!

Sorry if it felt like an assault on you. It was me letting stuff out ..

You are beautiful !! Truly beautiful!!

[kpat]

thank you for the post ,Sad:)
I dug into some boxes today and tried to sort through mounds of old mail and receipts…I mean I sat down for almost two hours doing this. I found lots of sentimental cards and of course old bills, paystubs, and junk mail. I also found over $4500.00 in check requests and ATM receipts for the casino most of that in a two week period from last Feb. The waste of that money really hit me hard. Back in Oct. I thought we had burned all those receipts. I found three for over $600 each and that means we had already gotten our daily limit from the ATM. We were out of control!
I worked all day on sorting junk drawers and paperwork. I realize I need to buy a filing cabinet. I need to put photos in albums. I have a major headache from reading all those late bill letters and the dust from pushing several boxes full of paperwork to the back of the closet. I found some old poetry (mine and my husband’s). I found a letter I wwrote to my hb just before our daughter was born, drawings from the kids, report cards, and a letter from my Granny to my daughter from1993. Very emotional overall. The biggest complaint I have is you can’t tell I did a thing. The house is still a mess!
I also had a virus attack my computer and encrypt all my photos and documents. I spent hours last night and early this morning with some antivirus software. The bugs (trojan viruses mostly are gone, but the encryption looks permanent for the previous stuff. The warning that came up basically said, I wiuld have to pay to get the key to unlock my documents. It was badly mispelled and very ominous looking. I let my subscription lapse for the antivirus software. Now it’s up and running again.
My husband is doing much better. He cleaned the garage and swept and mopped today. (He has done the floors since our dog sheds so bad and I always tell him, that is his dog). I can’t have rugs or carpet because of that poor dog!
so I am tired, mentally tired most of all.
Sure am glad I am not gambling. I haven’t had many strong urges lately, but it has only been 21 days since my last trip. Seeing all those receipts make sure I won’t gamble tomorrow either! After that it is odaat!

[Anonymous]

Hi kpat, well done on sorting through stuff.. I know what you mean about mess though .. It always gets worse before it gets better. You found a lot of gambling receipts , which is depressing but you also found a lot of evidence of all the things you did a brilliant job at Eg, your marriage, your kids etc. perhaps we don’t focus on the good things we have achieved.
We are not gambling addicts… We are good people with a gambling addiction. Gambling doesn’t define us!

I have the same problem in my house..a smelly hairy dog and I can’t have a comfy rug or a clean floor. In fact she has somehow managed to establish herself on the sofas so I am washing them daily .. But I don’t mind as my son loves her so much !

Im so glad your poor husband’s toothache had improved.the things we deprive ourselves of.

Hope you have a wonderful gamble free day .
Ps check out this link.. I have started taking magnesium supplements..

http://www.malterinstitute.org/Stress_magnesium_and_addicitions__4_2010%5B1%5D.pdf

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat good to read your a few weeks down the road with your “last trip” ) long may it continue!

I have gone through what you have with regards to those old receipts and bits of paper linked to gambling. Went through an old email account that is still active. 100s of emails from casinos. Tons of “deposit” confirmations. It represents months and months of lost time and money that can not be replaced.

Try not dwell on the past even though it is good to sort through things it can be a bit of a pandoras box. The PC virus you have sounds nasty! AntiMalware is a free bit of software which is really good at digging out the nasty s. But hope you sort it! Here is to a full month without gambling!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, How’s things ? Looking forward to reading a good update on what’s been happening with you !!

[kpat]

Going through some teenager drama. I hope and pray it doesn’t become a legal matter. There is an investigation. My son reported the problem to his school administrators, but he was not completely innocent, despite him being the victim in the end, he may face some trouble himself. I have not been contacted by the police, but it is most likely just a matter of time.
This is one of those things I know I cannot control, so the answer for me is to pray instead of worry.
Gambling thoughts have been few, while dealing with this whole mess, when they come it is like a gnat that I just swat away. I can’t be bothered with that.
Life can get complicated without gambling, my mind is more clear and I am able to focus on how best to get through these rough spots.

[p]

You will get through this and thankfully without gambling.. while not gambling you can focus on these issues and address them.. good to see you are not gambling now and that you are there in the real world doing your best.. well done

P

[kpat]

Life can get hectic, but if it is too quiet, I get bored.
still no news on the teenager drama, however, today I created some of my own. I ran over something on my way to work and it ripped the undercarriage of my car. Whatever it was, maybe a cinder block, it punched a hole in the oil pan. I had to call the insurance compamy and have it towed. It is considered a collision and I am considered at fault. Deductible is $500 and of course my insurance premiums will go up now.
I am glad it was not worse. I am glad I have not been gambling because at least now I will be able to pay the deductible.

[lizbeth4]

Hi kpat. Hopefully the teenager drama won’t be as bad as you are anticipating. I hate car issues. At least you have the money for the deductible. Take care. I get bored too if it is too quiet.

[kpat]

Thank you Lizbeth!
My car is in the shop for at least another week. Damge was nearly $3400! They said I hit something small and it was red. It did a lot of damage and I dont have rental car insurance (I cancelled that because we have to have the kids on the policy and the premiums were insanely high).
Now the positives regarding all this…..
My husband was driving me to work when the school resource officer called about the teen investigation. I was able to get off from work and his dad was too. The officer was adamant that we come to the school this morning. I am not sure that we both would have been there if I had my car. I am sooooo glad that both of us were there. It showed a united front of support for our son. He needed that. We met with the officer, the Dean, and the other teen’s mother. The teens signed a no contact contract and the parents, we signed too. What could have been criminal charges were not pursued. My son was told that he would have been in legal trouble if the investigation continued. I am praising God that this will go no further. Our son was the resulting victim, but because of his own actions, this could have been very serious for him. It could have resulted in permanent stains on his record and potentially keeping him from going to college or being eligible in certain fields of work.. This has been a real eye opener for him and I pray it changes his future for the better.
I am wiped out, stomach was in knots and now the tension headache, as all the stress is resolving, is setting in. I need a massage. My husband is playing a video game where he gets to shoot aliens and I think he is destressing that way! When our kids get in trouble, parenting becomes the most frighteningly hard job Ever.

[lizbeth4]

Kpat, I am so glad that the investigation is over and that no further charges will be pursued. Teens are a rare bunch! You must have been so stressed out over all of this. Try to get a massage. You deserve it. I don’t think that there is a harder job than being a parent. Take care.

[icandothis]

Sounds like quite a day, kpat! I am glad things worked out with your son’s trouble. When my son was in Middle School, he was involved in an incident where he was threatened with a knife. The boy’s father, who happened to be a lawyer, tried to make it look like both boys were equally responsible. There was an investigation and the other boy was expelled from school for one year, and our son was not held responsible.
Our daughter got into trouble with a good friend of hers the beginning of High School. Her friend ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. Her parents, who are also good friends of ours, also tried to hold both girls equally responsible. Although our daughter needed to be held accountable, we did not agree. However, we agreed to keep the incident quiet, as their daughter had more to lose than ours from any publicity. Although, painful at the time, it was a good thing that happened for our daughter. She kept her nose squeaky clean the rest of high school. She avoided going any place where there might be alcohol, which meant she stayed away from just about every party or social event. She lost quite a few so-called friends, but she decided who she wanted to be, and had the strength to stick with it throughout high school. She spent many Friday and Saturday nights at home where she began pursuing her interest in music, film, and photography. All of which she is still pursuing, but now making a career of.
Enough about my family, my point is that I see your son growing from this experience as well. It is the worst thing as a parent when our kids get into trouble because even though we would love to, we cannot totally shield them from the consequences of their actions. But, our never-changing, unconditional love is what we hold onto because it is what they need to hold on to!
After your husband is done killing those aliens, he owes you a massage!

[kpat]

Thank you Lizbeth and Ican,
I have had a rough week for sure, but all is well at the moment. My hb nd and I have gotten up early and have been cleaning. Now I want to get out of this house. We need to get the oil changed in his truck today, it is way overdue. It is our only transportation until my car is fixed.
Then I would like to do some thrift shopping and maybe go to the flea market. It has the best produce and is only open on Fri, Sat and Sun. The day is blue and beautiful. I wish all here could enjoy the gorgeous weather we are having.
Gambling thoughts have been creeping into my mind, I need to do something to put them out! I have no opportunity and no plans, no money either for that. Time now to enjoy the day without causing myself and my family harm. This is the day that the Lord hath made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!

[kpat]

I have a big meeting this morning. I have to borrow my daughter’s car. She is bent out of shape over it. Despite me having paid at least 4 payments in the last 6 months. My car wont be repaired for another week.
I have to drive past the casino, it doesn’t really bother me today to do that. That place is in my past. We did get some mail from the casino down south, it is three hours from here. They offered a free cruise for two if we came this coming Sunday to register. It is too expensive, that FREE cruise, so into the trash it goes. I am enjoying a little freedom and strenth to say no.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, you have been having an eventful time, with your car, son and big meeting. The thing that strikes me most is how well you are coping with everything … The things life throws at us are so much easier to deal with when we are not gambling.

You are right about that cruise.. It sounds like it might well be one of the most expensive cruises ever!! I am still getting post all the way from America on a regular basis .. I must have been a much valued customer of that casino. Nowadays it goes into the bin unopened.

Teenagers make mistakes… We all do. They are young ,their brains are still developing . It is easy To parent when things are going well… It’s when things go Wrong they need us most, to step in and help sort out whatever mess they are in.. You and your husband are super parents ..it inspires me to read of your trust in God no matter what life throws at you .

[kpat]

Thanks Sad for the sweet comment. We are really having to lean on God just now. (This I trust is a time to learn that there are many things, in fact, nearly everthing that is truly important, is not within our control). Our teenager is pushing us from every direction. I read about parenting a rebellious child and it is so fascinating the corrrelations to addictive behaviour. When he gets going, I see the anology that Velvet uses on F&f forum about the beast. I still see remnents in myself of that beast. Our son is like that, he wants control so bad, he nearly slavers with spouting mean things at us. He is still doing well in school, he is still saying mature things at times. He gets so angry when we tell him no ( most recently, he wanted to go to a party in a very BAD neighborhood to “hang out” with some kids we don’t know). He was so adamant that he was going anyway, my hb, his Dad, told him he would call the police and report him as a runaway. That got his attention for a day or two least. It is really almost funny, he is in Student Gov’t at school. He is on the prom committee, they used his picture on the prom announcements! This is a kid who scbores so high on his ACT and SAT that he could go to Harvard. How do you keep them alive long enough for a little common sense to kick in?
Today we picked up my parents at the cruise terminal, they cruised for port fees only, otherwise free from my Mom’s gambling. My Mom leaned over and whispered to me that Dad had lost a fortune on craps while on the cruise. I know he likes to gamble too, but he is usually so against Mom going that he never goes with her. I got addictions running on both sides of parents. Alcoholism is huge, thank God Mom doesn’t have that too!
We took the family to a lower cost Japanese steakhouse today; we went to Disney Quest last weekend with them. We got in free because our daughter got passes as a Christmas bonus. We are trying to keep our family activities as a regular thing. We lost a lot of ground because of gambling. I had some urges to gamble today and instead we spent $60 on lunch for four.
My car is still in the shop, they broke the steering rack, while trying to fix the suspension!!! They tell me I will have a practically new car to drive when it finally gets out. I have been carpooling with my hb and I think we may continue this most days even when the car is fixed. It is probably saving us money. I like that it forces me to be 15 mins. Early to work too.
I made turkey and dumplings for dinner so I am excited to see how they turn out. I used leftover turkey that I had frozen and leftover flour tortillas instead of bisquits or flour. We shall see. I got the recipe off the the internet.
🙂

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, I really feel for you . It must be so difficult to have to be the “bad guy” with the son you adore. I am guessing there was a girl a the party he likes… I haven’t reached that stage with my son yet and I’m not look forward to it, but like you say keeping them safe had to be the priority.

It’s great that your husband can drive you to work. I had thought of getting rid of one car to help our finances but we go to work hours apart and in different direction. Travelling together saves petrol etc and its so less stressful to get to work early !!

Turkey and dumplings.. That’s new to me. We make dumplings to go in casseroles or stews . They are like a bread dough dropped into the pot. Very nice!!

My mum is also a very active compulsive gambler. She never has money and is happy to sit back and let us pay for everything , but there is always money to gamble. My dad left her a lot of money. She should have been so comfortable but she gambled every single night until it ran out. I feel sorry for her. I feel guilty because she always talks of how she is struggling to survive ( which makes me feel so guilty) and then she gambles what you give her! I have kind of hardened recently and have stopped giving.

My priority now is my family..

[kpat]

Finally got the car out of the shop. The repair shop made me sign a document before the repairs that informed me they would not accept personal checks, only cash, money orders ,or cashier’s checks. We had to withdraw money on two consecutve days to get the cash $500! The total cost was $4992. Thank God for the insurance. It finally had to pay out. I was able to get the trunk shocks fixed from a previous accident. They repaired my car a year and a half ago when I was rear ended by a lunatic woman. The trunk never shut correctly after that. They had my car for 5 1/2 weeks that time so you can see why I wasn’t so keen in taking it back for the trunk repair. So now, it is all good. It seemed to ride nicely. New suspension, new steering rack.
I still have no idea what I ran over.I think My husband thinks I was careless.
whatever
Carrying that cash for the car didn’t give me any flashbacks or urges, but it left the account with $13.00. Thankfully we had the money at all. Payday for me tomorrow and bills will be paid. I have so much work at work that I have been talking in my sleep about it. I may have to term a woman with 10 years in the company. We merged with the co. She worked for last year and she is really strugglung with the learning her new role. I HATE that! She is so sweet. I am retraining her for two weeks, but she may not come around. I guess it must be bothering me even subconciuosly because my hb says I am asking people to speed up and be more accurate even in my sleep. He said I sounded desperate. I even dreamed my teeth were loose and going to fall out (i remembered that dream). The interpretation of that dream says the dreamer is indecisive about something and anxious. I hope the retraining works. I will feel like crap if i have to let her go.
My daughter made brownies at my request just now and they are hollering that they are ready. Time for some chocolate. Chocolate is my friend:)

[JohnNobody]

A cash no card economy is the way forward and you are making right choices now even though it remains tough. You had the money on you and did the right thing Kpat! Payday tomorrow for you …. make it count in the right way! I am sorry I have not been any support to you as of late but I am rooting for you!!! Tough times yes but block by block you make progress!

[p]

Well done on getting the car done on getting the car done. If you had been gambling there would have been difficulties I would imagine.. Keep going, keep moving forward. I admire anyone who strives for recovery, I know it’s not an easy road..

P

[kpat]

I have not gambled since 1/4/2015. That is really the one time since October, yet I am still neck deep in debt and I am seeing that worry over debt is a trigger for me. This is a strange thing as gambling is the cause of the debt to begin with. So in my awareness of this trigger, I was thinking, how do I fix it? Who could give me good advice? I am often turning to God for help, The Bible is the living word. I find the more I meditate on it, the better I am prepared for when the urges come. So who knows money in The Bible? Solomon, of course, the wisest and richest king. Here is a site I found and although I have not read them all I plan to.

http://Www.letgodbetrue.com/proverbs/topics/money.php

[JohnNobody]

Kpat you give so much to people here including your support to me. In the midst of your own struggles it is a testament to who you are that you can and do give!

I love reading that you have not gambled since 1/4/2015 and yes debts and worry over debts are triggers and ones that wont go away but also we know from bitter experience that those debts would not get paid anyway if we did win after gambling. We would simply gamble it all away plus anything else that is left and the pile of debts would just get bigger and bigger.

Winning at gambling for CGs is like a very short term very high interest loan. We pay it pay rapidly and usually with massive interest. Not worth it at all! Try focus your energy and your faith on how you will make those debts fall away without giving in to your addiction. You will over come the money worrys no matter how long it may take. You have done so well keep going !!!!!

[kpat]

With all the posts recommending The Easy Way to stop Gambling by Allen Carr, I looked it up and I bought the original book instead. I bought The Easy Way to stop Smoking. That is my other shameful addiction. I am a smoker. I have read just the beginning,, but I would like to be a quitter in that addiction too.
That is something that gambling messed up for me too. I had quit smoking in 2009 for three months. Back then we only went to the casino a few times a year, I wasn’t a CG yet. After being in that smokefilled place, I ended up buying a pack and well, there went the three months out the window. I was a smoker again in one evening.
I dont know when I will truly read the whole thing, even now, I am procrastinating. I have to give that up too? Yes, of course I do….I wasn’t born a smoker. I wasn’t born a compulsive gambler either. I need to get free of all these addictive behaviors.

[lizbeth4]

Hi kpat. I was a smoker for years. Having a heart attack put a end to that addiction. I have been smoke free for 4 years. I never thought I could stop but my health was more important. You can quit. I had tried many different things to stop but going cold turkey worked for me. It is so easy to become addicted and so much harder to quit but we can quit! I was disappointed that I didn’t attend the party. I had bought a new outfit and was excited. There will be another time. Take care. You are doing amazingly well.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat I smoked for years. But switched to the electronic kind over 2 years ago and never looked back! I am not saying it is for everyone but it certainly helped me quit over night. I am on really low dosage now of just 6mg and its a damn sight cheaper than the real thing and really kicks the craving or can for some. So maybe that is an option you could look into.
It is a huge market with lots of choices and I feel better loads better since switching. Dont cough my guts up anymore ect. But I do know how hard it is to quit. Hope you dont mind me mentioning the electronic approach. But I know what you mean about gambling messing other parts of our life up as well. For some its smoking some booze some both and some drugs of another kind. I suppose we have to take a total lifestyle change approach when we look to stop out gambling which by what you shared on your post is what I think you are wanting. take care Kpat always rooting for you!

[kpat]

Today I went to church and a man collapsed there and we had to call for an ambulance. He has only visited a few times and his story is a sad one. I hope the hospital stay will help, but in truth he has some mental health issues along with the physical ones. He walked there, doesn’t have a car and when I called his son, he couldn’t come as he had no transportation either. Being face to face with someone so less fortunate, really puts things in perspective.
My son is away now for the third day at a student government forum. I miss him, but am glad he was chosen to represent his high school.
I got a hair cut on Friday and I love it. I no longer look like a sixties flower child. My hair was super long and now it is just past my shoulders. It was long because of self neglect, not due to some beauty wish. It felt so good to do something toward feeling good about myself. So I gave myself a pedicure and bought a skin care facial for home too. It is time to feel and lookk good. These are things that gambling makes you forget. I would get so sick with anxiety that sometimes at meals, I could barely eat. Especially scary as I love to eat! Nausea from my overstressed nerves and crazy dreams, lack of sleep. I feel so much better. I am typing this to read again later, because despite all this, the urges still come sometimes. This is what one day at a time means to me. I am gamble free today, but tomorrow, I will have to live without gambling too. Just one day more. I can feel good and yet I know the desire lurks. I just have to keep my mind from planning and plotting. Keep moving forward, praying and reading and staying in the moment.
I have now paid something toward every debt I have. It takes nearly all we make to cover them. These won’t be paid overnight or even in a year, but hooray, they are all touched by a recent payment. Not all on time yet, but getting there. Stopping gambling has been the single best thing I have done for my self respect and family EVER!

[lizbeth4]

Hi kpat. I liked your post as it is so positive. That was sad about the man who collapsed at your church. It does put things into perspective. I am happy to hear that you are spending time on yourself. I know that I let myself go a bit when I was gambling. It is good that you are able to pay a little on your debts. Keep going. You will get them paid off. There are so many benefits from not gambling. You are doing great!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your post Kpat, I’m afraid that yours is a thread I dont keep up to date with, I use the internet sporadically and dont always have time to post or read as much as I used to. I have though read some great posts off you to others and although I dont know the ins and outs of your story I know you’ve gambled once since October, and full credit to you for that, I would reckon that if someone had of told you then that by the time March arrives you would have had only one gambling binge you wouldn’t have believed them.

All the best.

Geordie.

[Anonymous]

Kpat, I love your latest post. Tonight I really thought I would gamble but your post reminded me of where gambling would leave me.
I think when we eventually find ourselves in recovery a lot of support dries up. When we gamble people queue up to advise us, but staying gamble free is so hard- and feels like a Much lonelier journey.
Therefore a Huge thank you for sharing your gamble free life .i love the sound of your new haircut. It sounds very sophisticated.
Thanks to your post I am going to bed without wrecking my life again tonight!!

[icandothis]

Kpat!, one thing I know for sure is that our story is not one of addiction, but one of RECOVERY!

[icandothis]

Kpat, The “March Madness” thread is my pledge for a gamble-free March. I saw that you posted that you wanted the extra accountability. Would love to have you join in!

[kpat]

Thank you for all the posts of encouragement. I was planning the 6hr round trip to get my gambling fix and with all the Madness posts amd after talking to my husbnd the plan has been put to rest. I will post some updates later. Lots of change here.

[lizbeth4]

Kpat, I am glad that you didn’t gamble. It does help a lot with the support of others. I am happy that you were able to talk about the urges with your husband. You are doing well. Change is good. Take care.

[kpat]

My husband got a promotion at work. He will be making more money and be on the track to move into management. He has worked so hard and I am very happy that he was recognized. The biggest change for our family is he will now be working evenings. I will most likely be asleep when he gets home. He will most likely be asleep when I leave for work. He will still be off on weekends, but this is a big change for us. He has been prodding me out of the house for years. He cooks about 3 or 4 times during the work week. He brings me coffee in the mornings and usually makes it ready to brew before going to bed. He locks up the house and drives our son and picks him up if he is out. I am going to have to be responsible for all this again. The first 10 years of our marriage, I did most of everything, but the last 13 years he has done at least half if not more than half of all the housework and cooking.
I sound like a whiner, I know. I know I sound like a lazy person and I am freaking out a little on having to take up the slack. He says he will do stuff before he leaves for work and I know he will. I guess above all I am going to miss him. I will barely get to speak to him in person for five days a week.
Time to let him shine. He worked to keep our family provided for so I could go to school. I want him to feel successful at work. I am having a hard time trying to remember when I wasn’t so spoiled by him. I have to remember how I used to do it all! He used to work 6 days a week and crazy hours, but that was so long ago.
I wanted to go to the casino yesterday, but he was strong and told me he would go shopping with me instead. I spent about$150 on new clothes and we went to dinner. I have no urges today. I am glad I didn’t go. I have new shoes, new slacks, new shorts, and bathroom towels. A new shower curtain and these are things I can hold in my hand. Things that were falling apart from neglect. I want to keep away from self destruction.

[micky]

Hi Kpat thanks for your post, you are doing so well too . It’s great when we buy things and can see what we have 🙂 i’m seeing a specialist counceller, i recognise that yes i’m fine now and can go several weeks without gambling but then something happens and i gamble and the cycle begins again . So i have decided to see this counceller and i’m hoping it will be money well spent in the long run 🙂

[C_Noel]

Hi kpat, thanks for posting on my journal. It sounds like you are taking each day as a new day for accomplishment and fighting the urge. It’s so nice to have physical items in hand versus an empty wallet due to gambling! Congrats to you and your husband on moving towards a better life.

[lizbeth4]

Thank you so much for your post on my thread. I am sorry that your Mother causes you pain also. I know that mine isn’t going to change and that I can’t talk to her about anything emotional as she would just block me out. It is still raw and painful. She came for dinner and acted like nothing was wrong. How does a person become so emotionally dead? She started talking about family problems. I said because there is so much dysfunction and certain members of this family refuse to be emotionally open. She shut up real fast. After my husband’s death, I had many eye opening experiences. I saw some of my Mom’s flaws in myself. I have worked very hard on my issues and have changed a lot. Anyways, it helps to have someone who can relate. Thanks again for your support. I didn’t gamble.

[kpat]

Feeling the effects of passing in the night. My hb is on day three of his new joB. I have spent the last three nights having a hardd time falling asleep. He face timed me tonight and I almost cried. Our dog is whining and barking at nothing. She has done this before when he wasn’t at home in the evenings. I sent him a video of the dog (she’s a chocolate lab) and he said it made him feel bad watching her carry on so. I have to find a hobby! Last night and tonight I have been completely alone after work until after 9. The kids have been off doing school stuff or working in my daughter’s case. It is just plain weird having all this home alone time. I suppose I will get used to it.
No gambling, no real urges. Just a little lonely and sick of the barking dog. She is going to have to get used to it too! She misses him.
I think this is probably good for me on some level. Maybe it’s time I relearn independence at home.

[micky]

Hi K thanks for the post on my thread i do feel sorry for those who are not trying to do something about their addictions or circumstances or whatever i think when you give up you lose the battle 🙁

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, so glad u went shopping instead.
It’s great when u can look and see things u have purchased . It makes us feel “normal” and also gives us a sense of pride in our achievement ..
You are doing really great . Hope hubby is enjoying his promotion.

[Anonymous]

Missing my mate? Where you gone Kpat?

[kpat]

I have been without my tablet for posting. I have gambled twice since I last posted so that means four occasions since last Oct. That is progress, not perfection.

[Anonymous]

Hey Kpat, so great to see you posting !i have. Changed my name (from sad).. Kinda preferred sad .. Not sure why.. It didnt make me feel sad it just felt like me!!

That is amazing progress Kpat. Recovery is a journey .. There are always a few bumps in the road .
So great to see you back here

[icandothis]

Hi kpat, just wanted to wish you a happy Mother’s Day. I hope the family is treating you well on your special day. I am having my friend over and making a special meal for her and my family. My husband helped me with the grocery shopping and I am hopeful that everyone will pitch in with the preparations and cooking, too! Hope you are doing well. I haven’t posted much, and I see you haven’t either. Life has been crazy and recovery is what it is. Like you, one baby step at a time and a commitment to never give up on myself. Take care. Hope to hear from you soon.
PS. It is so good to have my son and DIL home from London, even though they are living here, and its a little tight. They have bought a house not too far from us, and they will be moving out in about a month and a half, so I am enjoying the extra activity while it lasts…and thank God it won’t last for too long! lol

[kpat]

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms/ Mums.
I have been gamble free not even scratch-offs! I can’t say that I haven’t had an urge or two or more, but the obstacles and barriers are so high that I haven’t tried to go over or around them.
Thank you for your posts, Happy and Ican, it has been awhile since I have posted. My husband hid my tablet from our son and I haven’t had the pull to ask him where it was hidden. (We don’t let him have free access to the internet at home or on his phone.) It seems to keep him out of trouble at least it slows the trouble down slightly.
My children got up early and bought me a dozen of my favorite chocolate assorted doughnuts (Dunkin Donuts) and a beautiful card and flower for Mother’s Day. I got to eat doughnuts in bed this morning. My husband bought me flowers and a beach chair! Yeah:)
We had a beautiful service at church and took his Mom to a steakhouse for lunch after. A very nice day. We watched a movie just now and earlier I took an hour nap.
I received an unexpected bonus a few weeks ago and I have managed to pay a large bill off. It was for dental work for my son. We had to have all his front teeth capped about two years ago. It was a debt that weighed on me. It was so large and completely neglected. It is quite amazing what can happen when I have the brain to be able to concentrate on other things besides gambling.
I still want to, but with my husband working evenings, the weekends have become so precious that a trip that takes 7 hours all around is just not something that appeals.
The last time I gambled was about a month ago and zi finally got him to take me to the boat. It is about an bour and a half drive to the coast. The boat was seedy and rocky. It reeked of desperation. I was so ashamed of making him go. We had a huge argument in the parking lot before we got on. He gets sea sick and there was a big storm cloud over the port. He threatened to take a cab home. This was after the long drive there. There was no way I was going home. It really freaked me out how bad the fight was. We had amoment when we asked if this scenario was worth our marriage. So, he got on the boat. We dropped about $900. It was horrible. We both were nauseous. We will never do that again.
Ever since that night, seeing a driver at 2am with no lights on, driving the long way home in pouring rain., the fight, the sea sickness….Gambling has just seemed very distasteful to me.
I still like the idea of the games, but I don’t want to go through all that to play them. I have managed to keep a little money aside to save for my son’s car. He will be going to the college instead of his senior year in high school. He is so far ahead that he will finish highschool credits at the college. This will save us a years worth of tuition! Downside is I have to get him some transportation and expose the world to another teenage driver. I am scared of that!
I love seeing the debt go down and the savings in the bank. I know I am not cured of this addiction, but I am clean right now. Praise God!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, it’s so lovely to see you posting . I am so pleased life is going so well. Can u believe that You are saving for a car for your son-how far you have come? Is your son still performing?

The boat sounds just horrible the way you describe it but I know on the allure of such seedy places only too well.

Despite struggling to survive most months I too can see the debts coming down which is a great feeling .
I hate constantly juggling figures in my head which is what my life has become .
You give me great hope Kpat.
(Ps I’m sure u could email GT for a new password )

[kpat]

I paid off a small credit card today!! Now there are two hefty size and two humungous ones left.Our little house in need of repairs….the hotwater heater leaks, the garage door opener is broken. My kitchen is a laugh with a white refrigerator, a cream colored stove, and a stainless colored dishwasher. The counters are “vintage” mint green formica. It is a blessing to have a home. I almost lost this place because of gambling. We are inching our way out of the mess we made. It has been 6 months since I banned myself and I have gambled several times all with horrid results. But it has been a month and this feels pretty good right now. Cutting off easy access was the main thing. I haven’t truly solved the deep parts of why I am an addict, but the day to day dread, sleepless nights, crying, counting money, continuous overdrafts and fees, shame, and desperation has left me. I am not currently plotting and planning or trying to figure a way to get my fix. That’s improvement.

My son just finished with the spring musical. They performed Seusical the Musical. He was Horton the elephant. That was a lead role. He was a star. He was so sick with a head cold, but it fit well with character and he was still able to sing. His voice was a little deeper and to the ones who know him, he was a little stuffed up, but still sounded awesome. He made me a proud Momma, he is very talented.
I couldn’t help but notice the difference after opening night as compared to the fall concert. (We knew about the after party for one thing). Last fall, I couldn’t come up with $14.
For him to go with his friends and I was so ashamed. This time, I paid his way, carried three of his friends and my daughter to the restaraunt and paid for most of them and myself:) This made me feel so good. Thanks to not gambling, I was able to redeem myself a little.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat,
Your description of your former life aptly describes where I am now .. I just woke up to money matters spinning around my head .

I am so pleased for you . I know that great feeling when you can do things for your kids . Also I think ha ring formerly had no money makes it all the sweeter.

I know people focus on the reason behind he addiction. I think treat it like an illness. It doesn’t matter how it why you become a diabetic just avoid the things that are bad for you and do the things that are good for you and you will be fine.

I know I started playing to avoid thinking about a very traumatic experience .i am well over that now , but the addiction remains to remind me ..

You are doing great Kpat. Keep strong . Recovery suits you !

[kpat]

My husband finally got the parts we needed for our pontoon boat and he spent several mornings working on it. He finished about noon today so we put the boat in the water. We have over a hundred lakes in our —— and there is what is called “The chain of lakes” that many people spend their weekends boating. We went through the chain today it was about 6 lakes and stopped at a restaraunt that has docks for the boaters for early supper. The food was ok, but the restaraunt itself was beautiful. The day was a little windy, but gorgeous blue skies and puffy clouds made it a fine boating day. We have not used our boat since July 4th of last year. If I had a spare afternoon, I wanted to go to the casino. Gambling ruled my free time! Then it became impossible to boat because we had no money for the gasoline or snacks, then winter came and finally it sat so long that it required new spark plugs and parts totalling over $200. So now that we haven’t been gambling our boat is finally in action again and today was very nice. It was just my husband, our son (who is now 17) and I. Our daughter had to work and I am afraid she was quite put out that we went without her.
Tomorrow evening is baccalaureate for my twin nephews and my niece. My son is singing in the chorus as he is a junior and not yet graduating. Another positive of not gambling is I will be able to give them each some graduation money! I bought identical cards for the boys, they are identical
twins and I think they will laugh bcause the card reads, “Nephew, you are one of a kind!” My sister thought it was hysterical too!
I hope everyone is having a gamble free day and learning to enjoy sometning that helps bring good things into our lives instead of chaos. I am sad to say that while my husband was working on the boat this morning that I was having urges to go down south to the far away casino. I instead pulled out my tablet read my entire thread, looking at the pain I have caused my family and myself. I then paid several bills that are not quite due. Then the morning was gone and we boated instead. I am excited that we can do this again. Now I have to renew our fishing licenses so next time maybe we can catch our supper too!

[velvet]

Dear Kpat
If ever there was a post to make me want to take to the waterways and sail, it was this one. It sounds wonderful.
This is a terrific post for you to flag and look back on if ever you feel you are flagging.
I am patching my lawn today to repair some of the divots our over enthusiastic Labrador sends flying into the air when she chases her ball – I will now think of your safely in your boat, enjoying your gamble-life and that will make me smile.
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Kpat. Wish I was there on the boat. I love fishing. Sounds heavenly!! Life is better without gambling.

[p]

Congratulations on getting through those urges and it was a good idea to read through your thread.. its something my head has never allowed me to do is read back, im not sure what it is but i cant seem to do it..
I am glad you are on that boat and gamble free today.. you have the money now for your fuel and snacks and life sounds like it is improving for you, so wonderful to read

P

[kpat]

Thank you Velvet, Lizbeth and Ms. P
A short time ago, I was reading and I came across these two verses. It described my efforts so far in my life in relationship to money. It is especially true for a lot of gamblers.
Now therefore thus sayeth the Lord of hosts; consider your ways. Ye have sown much, and bring in little; ye eat, but have not enough; ye drink, but ye are not filled with drink; ye clothe you, but there is none warm; and he that earneth wages earneth wages to put into a bag with holes.
Haggai 1: 5-6
When I am not gambling, it is amazing how the holes seem to patch themselves!

[p]

I like that, keep the holes sewn up, wonderful to see your money and sanity won’t be falling away now just building toward better things

P

[kpat]

I am aggravated! I left my purse at a cafe today. My new boss paid for lunch and I got up, took my leftover box and walked right out. I didn’t realize it until it was time to leave work. I got a very petty email from my old boss. The woman who took my former position must have reported one of new staff to him. I have no idea why she didn’t just call me or email me herself. I was steaming.
To top off my day, my son texted me at 4o’clock telling me he has a spring chorus concert tonight at 7! I was trying to rush out of the office when I realized I had no purse (no keys, no way to lock the office) uggh
So I only wanted to get this down so I won’t explode.
He was happily napping when I got home. No clothes laid out, no care in the world.
I get to go to the school tonight without dinner and of course by myself, because Reub is working and my Mother was never told about it.
Ok, got to go……

[kpat]

1-My purse was safe behind the reister all zipped up with everything accounted for.
2- I don’t work for that guy anymore!
3-The concert was really fun and my son looked right at me for the closing song, Thank you. I cried like baby.
and he wasn’t late:)

[lauren05]

Sorry to hear about your aggravation and frustration today, kPat. It’s the same the world over.
Hope the spring chorus concert went well and helped you relax and unwind. You will be so proud of your boy.

I sat for hours now reading your journal and felt the pain and all the same feelings with you. It just took me back to my days at casinos. It was as if you were writing my journal.

It is such a stark reminder that this beast is so much bigger than we expected but never too big that God cannot deliver you or set you free. I’m routing for you and praying for you.

You have the right focus and tenacity to succeed with a loving caring husband. You are very blessed. You also have a wonderful family who are close and loving and no family is without the normal growing up pains. They bring us closer and give us good times of sharing, laughter and memories.

I was so amused and laughed out loud at your ‘Sodom and Gomorrah’ analogy when you self excluded. That was classic and you didn’t turn around and turn into a pillar of salt.
Well done on your journey and picking up to get back on track. It is a journey and each day is one step closer.
You’re doing so well and I look forward to your posts.

Keep posting.
Lauren

[lauren05]

That’s great kPat. Just take a moment to breathe and compose yourself at times like that. It helps. I always picture myself when I’m out of this rush and in your case watching your son at the concert.

I found out why I couldn’t send my message. It’s because I used a smiley face. The system throws out an unexpected error and states try again next time. I still got the error today but worked it out. Bit of useless invormation……

Lauren

[lauren05]

That moment with your son singing to you and saying thank you is priceless. That says it all and means so much. You’ll never forget that, KPat. You are special and mean so much to him.

Keep doing what you do.
Lauren

[kpat]

Thank you Lauren for the sweet post. I am touched that you read my journal.

I haven’t ever written about this before and it may cause some to shake their heads, but everything I am about to write is total truth so here goes…..
Back in October, when we banned from the casino we had been really trying to change our lives. We were listening to a lot of pastors and doing devotions as a family. I was listening to Tony Evans on the radio (he is an amazing champion of the family). One of his series was on stewardship. I listened to David Pratt as well. His series is called Radical.
I was strongly convicted about my gambling and the waste of our money and decided that I wanted to change. I wanted God to help me and so we went before the church and I even fasted for a day. I had never fasted before and read up on it first. Two weeks later we banned.
So all that lead to this, we started titheing. I am in charge of the finances and have been all our marriage. I usually gave about $100/ week to church, sometimes less, but usually around that amount. It seemed like a lot and a nice round number to keep my guilt at bay. We even gave if it meant being overdrawn because I had thrown our money away gambling and couldn’t stand not to help our little church.
In October, at the time we banned, I told my husband I wanted to get serious about titheing. He was all for it. I started giving 10% of our gross income every week. When I got the transfer in December, the raise in pay equalled the difference between $100/ week and the amount I had started to give. It was as if God gave me the money to tithe. I had the exact amount of money left over as if I was still giving $100. Since then, we have been faithful, even the bonus money, I gave 10% of the gross. The tax on a bonus is higher than a regular wage, so this was a big amount from the net I received. The thing is, I wasn’t expecting a bonus, I hadn’t got one all year for 2014. I cried when I got that money!!! It was a true miracle. Out of the clear blue and it was a lot of money! My husband got a $300 bonus a month before that. He has never gotten bonus of more than $50 in the seven years he has worked for his company. We tithed before we gambled on those three occasions that I have given in to my urges, since Oct. I have been receiving the most amazing financial blessings of my life since Oct. Of course we have been dead broke at times, you can read that in my posts, but we paid our tithes first. It was laid on my heart that God gives us our money. Everything I make is because of His generosity. It is all His money, so how can I justify not giving Him back the first fruits of my labor? I have paid off a huge amount of debt all while still being less than clean. I still have a lot to go, but I write that check out first every week. I am happy to do it. I am not preaching here or trying to convince anyone to do the same, but I was so convicted to do this, I felt I had no choice.
God is good to me and my family and I want to honor that.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, thank you for sharing about tithing. I have always wondered about this . I give a paltry amount to my church every week- nowhere near $100..
I think it shows a lack of trust in God that I don’t tithe.. It’s not something that has ever been asked for in the Catholics church , but I’m not sure I think like a catholic anyway .

God has sustained me when really I didn’t deserve it . Tithing seems such a huge amount to give away and yet is less than we would gamble in a night .
I find myself trying to understand the benefits of tithing. I think the biggest one is you are really trusting in God -actions speak louder than words.

Kpat, it fills me with joy to read how your life has Come together! The fab son singing to you, the amazing day spent on the boat , your lovely husband who is so supportive of you, the daughter who wants to spend the day with her family!! You have it all!!

[vera]

“Seek ye first the Kingdom of God…..and all else shall be added on to you”.
I could give several similar examples , of how God provides for us, KPat when we put Him first..
Unfortunately, I have thrown back His generosity too often…
……………………………………………………………………………….
(Happy, I don’t mean to contradict you, but it is The Commandments of the Catholic Church that we are “Bound to contribute to the support of our pastors”)
kPat, you and your family are blessed in many ways!

[kpat]

Thank you so much Happy and Vera, my instincts told me you both might respond to this post and I was so worried about sounding preachy.
I seem to get bogged down with the little things. There is a song by Francesca Battistelli called “This is the stuff”. It is available on youtube.com. I love this song. It cracks me up. It is a wonderful reminder of things that side track my thinking. My day can be hectic and my evenings feel very lonely. My son makes bad decisions. My daughter worries me for her lack of ability to care for herself financially. I have about 50 employees that rely on me to make good decisions. I have a stressful life. I still feel the pull of gambling. I have a little church that gives me a place to worship, but there is even stress there. Because we have gotten to know all the people well, we end up sharing their burdens too. Loving and caring in and of itself is stressful. Most of the congregation are elderly or poor or in bad health or all three. I sometimes want to find a church where I can just slip into the back pew, get my worship on and get out, somewhere where I am just a face in the crowd. It would be easier than what we have now, but somehow it probably would not be as rewarding.
That song is so fun and it really lifts me out of the stress and into a better frame of mind. Look it up:) I encourage everyone not to stress the stuff, because there are certainly times when the Big events will require our stamina. I don’t want to run out of energy for those because I let every little thing bog me down.
I hope everyone has a gamblefree day (as hard as it is to recover, it is harder for me, ten times over when I choose to gamble)
I just love Geordie’s posts, gambling is not gonna help!

[lauren05]

Kpat, I believe this message was just for me. I know I have to tithe again but just couldn’t because I ended up with not even having enough money for my bills due to my bad choices.
I always tithed regularly all my life and had my money taken out of my pay and paid over so that the church benefited from the tax relief but I stopped that when I moved away and wasn’t attending the same church any longer.

But deep down I always felt and believed I was also struggling ( I can hear my mother’s voice) because I was not tithing anymore. I throw some loose coins I have in the offering. I use to convince myself that God doesn’t need my money and won’t love me any less and I am under grace not law and He understood my situation and knows I will give ‘when I come right’. I wrong I am.

I have had many messages and words in season come to me during these times but I just could not let go of the last I had which couldn’t even see me through the month. It was always my efforts to get through and not being able to let go and trust God.

But one day in church at the end of March this year after I had gambled both my salary and one month’s bonus (I was so blessed with a good bonus) and was totally devastated and depressed, I was moved when it came to the offering and I said God, you know I only have this £20 in my purse. It is all I have. I didn’t have any small change to throw into the offering. But I said God I’m trusting you and giving back what you gave me. Tomorrow I know that you will take care of me ‘cos I am more valuable than the birds who don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, yet our heavenly Father feeds them.

I put my faith in God and took out the £20 note and put it in the offering and trusted Him to see me through but I didn’t know how in my practical and logical mind this would happen.

I went to work the next day and finished early arriving home and saying Lord, you know I don’t have any more money to get to work tomorrow but it’s all in your hands and I’m just trusting you. I thought in trying to analyse how I am going to get through this that perhaps maybe I’ll be given something that I could do working from home that I didn’t have to travel in to the Client site ‘cos I didn’t know any other way out.

I arrived home and picked up the only letter behind the door. It was from the bank. I was not ready to open this as I knew it had to be about outstanding payments, late fees whatever. So I just threw it one side and went to change. I made something to eat and watched TV. Every time I went into the kitchen, the letter was looking at me but there was no way I was going to open it.

Don’t know how, why or when but after ages, I did open that letter. It was a letter from the bank and it stated that they had wrongly overcharged me interest on my closed loan from 2008 when they shouldn’t have and enclosed a cheque for £1,619.25 ! It was 15 minutes before bank closing time and gave me just enough time to get down and into the bank just as it was closing the door to deposit the cheque into my account.

So it is so true, God DOES honour us when we honour Him with our tithes. Funny, I forgot about that till now. Because I did use the money to pay my company card but went right back in and gambled most away and put myself straight back to square one with some to spare !

You have opened my ears and eyes to hear and listen what I know I should do. Thank you so much of sharing this on here.

You are an Angel sent to throw true light on this for me.

I am thrilled to hear how you continue to honour God in your tithes. And 10% of your gross is a huge chunk. I have never given that in my life yet. You are being blessed so much and are not short in your outgoings. Amazing ! Faithful God !

Bless you…….

[kpat]

Sitting on the backporch having my second cup of coffee and smoking (coughed my head off this morning). I have got to quit. It poured buckets of rain last night and the porch leaked. More home repairs in the future….
I want to do something fun today. I am still underwhelmed by normal fun things. Nothing seems to compare to the thrill of gambling, but I know that is a lie. It is the addiction that wants me to remember the fun and not the consequences. I wish the thoughts or urges would just go away completely. I can at least go long stretches without them, but then all of a sudden, bam! There I am. I can post on here something very positive and that I am feeling good and strong and in a day or sometimes within hours I feel like I am back to my old scheming self. I think I would need a labotomy to disconnect the damaged parts of my brain. I have a gorgeous Sat. In front of me. Why is it all I can imagine doing is inside with dim lights and flashing pictures, dings and pings, and bump, bump,bumps. In cigarette filled air with sad or drunk people walking like zombies around me. Oh, there it is, the under side of the fun. The desperatiin. The sick stomach, the praying for forgiveness or for God to let me win.
Right, so I can’t have that today. I don’t want that. That is not fun. It is the opposite of fun. It is crap!

[Anonymous]

Vera, I think tithing means giving 10%!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, I sat in my garden today…on the old battered deck , on an old bettered garden chair and read my bible. Like always I was guided to just the passage I needed.
I found myself counting my blessings .. I still have a garden to sit in !!!
I know what you mean.. The pull it gambling is so strong, but you are doing great to resist.
You have a lot of responsibility.. But you handle it well!
However, sometimes it might be good to have another enjoyable activity to take time out.. Can you remember what you used to enjoy?

I am finding it hard To even have thoughts of anything else . I hope your day gets easier and u have a good Saturday !!

[vera]

Yes, Happy!
“Tithe” is an old word for “tenth”!

[vera]

I agree kPat. Nothing compares to the “buzz”. Equally nothing compares to the hangover, the stress, the grief, the loss or the terror etc etc etc.
AND
We can’t have one without the other.
As for your son…my gut reaction is to SHAKE the truth out of him but that day is gone, I’m told.
I would hide the car keys forever.
My son stole my husband’s jeep at 3am one Saturday night, while under the influence of alcohol when he was 17, crashed it and nearly killed himself. Did serious damage and of course never paid back a penny. The good thing was he told the truth. (He could have crawled home to bed and it would have appeared the jeep was stolen and crashed) Water under the bridge now, but I blamed his father for allowing him to bring his friends to the house (which he was forbidden to do when I was on night duty )and allowing them to drink alcohol. They were underage. For getting drunk himself . Going to bed and leaving 5 or 6 youngsters unsupervised. With car keys left available. To this day when that “boyo” comes home, I hide the car keys under the pillow and will do forever more.
I would prefer my children told me the truth kPat but parents need to lead by example too.
Maybe I should have hidden the keys on myself yesterday
My neck is killing me from yesterday’s impact.
A bit like a gambling hangover. Thank God I wasn’t in the wrong!

[Anonymous]

Never heard of Catholics being asked to do that??

[vera]

Catholics were never asked to “tithe”, Happy. The 3rd Precept of the Church tells us to “contribute to the support of our pastors”. All distorted and diluted now as you know (Sorry for hogging your thread, Pat)

[Anonymous]

Lol… Thought I had missed something Vera… I am going to try to tithe … Just from my wages not hubby’s… Is that cheating? Kpat could you recommend a good Christian church who would put the money to good use ..

[kpat]

I believe you should give it to where you are being supplied by The Word. I am not Catholic, but if your church is filling you up spiritually, then that is where I would give it. If it is a Bible believing church then God will use it for His purpose. Titheing was an old testament thing to support the Levites who were not given land when they were delivered out of Egypt. They were the ministers. So what Vera has posted makes sense to me. It is to support pastors and the church essentials like paying for utilities and to keep God’s house a place of refuge. I would not want to list a specific denomination as where to tithe, because there are good churches and not so good churches in every denomination. I tithe to where I go to be fed. I sometimes give to other places, but that is what I think of as an offering. An offering is an amount above the tithe, it is for something special, like foreign ministry or a homeless shelter, like that…
I am no expert, this is just what I believe to be true. Our pastor never talks about tithing. I was convicted by listening to sermons from the radio. Happy, you should listen to David Platt. He is young, but really old school in his messages.

[kpat]

Thanks for the comments!!
Vera, I read yours to my husband. He wants to choke him, he is so mad. He said you are welcome to come stay with us! You have some experience with this! He knows I have been journaling here, although I have never read any of it tohim before. I told him I wished you could sit down with our boy. He asked me today how I was doing without gambling. He saw the email alerts on my phone for the comments. I told him that I was missing the excitement, but happy not to have the hangovers!
I remember having whiplash once, I had no idea my head was that heavy! My neck hurt so bad having to keep my head up there! I also had a few back spasms, but was ok after about two weeks, I got better everyday. Hope you feel better very soon!
Happy, I pictured your garden, and it sounds like my back deck. That is where I sat for some reading too. It needs to be pressure washed and a board has rotted and needs to be replaced. But the tranquility of the spot is still good. Getting alone with the Bible and prayer always helps me. I know I am in trouble when I don’t want to do that. I think when I am like that I don’t want anything to stop me from getting what I want. I once wrote down all the reasons not to gamble. It is in a little book in my purse. I wrote this in 2013 I think. I have probably read it maybe 5 times in 2 years. It is really raw when I have read it. The thing I am trying to say is this, any CG that read it would not want those things to happen to them. I know that! That is why when I want to gamble, I won’t read it!!! It might stop me.
Maybe I will post it here. I have read my thread through
several times and it would be here for me to see. I think I will get it out and reread it now. It hurts to know I continued on for another year after writing it. It hurts to know that I still want to turn a blind eye to the chaos and play those stupid machines. I didn’t gamble today. I went shopping to the hardware store with my husband and bought the guts to fix the kid’s toilet and some cedar sachets for my closet. We went to The Dollar Tree (everythings a dollar) and spent $35! On mostly junk. Then we went to a steakhouse and had a Porterhouse for two. Then to the grocery store. It was a fine day out!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, sounds like a super day out !!
I admire your energy.
I seem to spend all my non working time lying in my bed or on the sofa in front of the tv..
I cant even think of anything to do ..
I used to have such a busy life ..

I think boys will be boys Kpat..they will make mistakes..
And all too soon they will be grown up And wonder why they were so silly. I don’t really believe in firm punishments .
My child did something once (I can’t even remember what now ..)and I told my mum I had lost my trust in him.
She said I was to regain it immediately as she could have lost her trust in me many times but didn’t!! She said if kids had it all Sussed then there would’ve no need for parents!! Even the best of us makes mistakes…
I thought it was wise..
Hope u are having a lovely day.

[kpat]

Today is the last day of my four day weekend. I am trying not to think about work.
I accomplished a few things…
I cleaned the oven.
I pulled clothes out of mine and my husband’s closet (a huge garbage bag full) for a friend who is having a yard sale. Also got together two bags of books for her.
Yesterday, we went to The Magic Kingdom. I don’t know how many more times our children will want to be with us like that. Already, I know we are blessed that they give us the time of day. Ten hours there and although I can walk today, my legs are sore. We had a great day, but there was some tension and arguments towards the end. There are not enough places to smoke! ( just kidding-sort of). My nicotine addiction was making me grumpy, and there was a moment after about 4 hours that I wasn’t sure I was really at “the happiest place on earth”. My daughter was so pleased that we went. She wanted to show us where she works and all the characters that she helps. My husband met Goofy, his favorite! I hugged him first and talked into his ear, I told him my hb is a huge fan and to please embarrass him very badly. And so he did!!! Goofy grabbed Reub and practically put him in a choke hold, he hugged him so hard and wouldn’t you know, we got video and Reub was grinning ear to ear like a little kid. You wouldn’t have known he’s 44 yrs old. What a great moment. My daughter calls them magical moments:)
So I am just contrasting yesterday against a day of gambling and there really is no comparison. I slept like a baby, I spent what I wanted and still have money in the bank. I am sore, but not depressed. I have memories that are not going to haunt me. My children are happy, beacause despite my grumpiness yesterday they don’t see me weepy and emotional today. I am not nauseous. I can share what we did on facebook if I want and have not a moment’s worth of shame.
So take that gambling! I found some fun that doesn’t have a price tag I can’t afford.yesssssss!!

[vera]

Great to read about a normal family day out kPat.
Looking back I can’t recall too many days like that with my family. It was usually just me,with them while hubby worked round the clock to provide for us. If I had my way all over again, I would do things differently.
I laughed when I read about Goofy and your husband. Maybe you should have got him to “trottle” your son while he was at it and whisper a few sweet nothings in his ear!!
Did he own up to taking out your car?
I don’t mean to be too hard on him. I have two boys and a daughter. My youngest son was a very disobedient child. He was always strong willed (like me) and when he was corrected for doing one thing, he would stop and do something worse. I used every tactic possible. Mostly I gave him a “second chance” (about a hundred times!) In hindsight, I was rewarding atrocious behaviour a lot of the time. If he had been taken in hand earlier he might have changed . He has good points and great intentions but I seldom see him now. He never settled down as far as I can tell. I know when he does come to his senses he will outshine the lot! I will never give up hope and I just pray every day that he will come back to the right road to Salvation before it’s too late.
You know it says in the Good Book that parents should discipline their children. I also know some need the gentle touch and others need tough love. Difficult to get the balance right. I made many mistakes.
I see a lot of indiscipline around me and we all know where that leads us.
Gambling will solve none of our woes kPat. We both know that.

[icandothis]

Hi Kpat, Thank you for thinking of me and sending me a note on my thread. I stay away because so many times I don’t know what to say. I want to post more. I think I will try thinking of my journal as a time that I write to you (or other individuals) on a one-on-one basis. It might be easier. I think I try to over-thinking things.
This morning I spent some time getting caught up on your thread. Your post about tithing really spoke to me. Little by little recovery has given me the opportunity see beyond my own self and reach out to others.
We are also boaters. Something we, like you, have always done with our kids. Your kids want to be with you because you have always wanted to be with your kids. Your daughter recognizes “magical moments” because she was taught to do so. It is a gift to you now, but it was a gift you gave to her, her entire life.
My daughter, like Reub has always been a Goofy fan. We have a picture of her (one of my favorites) at the Magic Kingdom with Goofy. She was wearing her Goofy jacket, her Goofy hat, holding her Goofy doll. She was only 4 years old at the time, not 44!!! lol Magical moments are magical moments, no matter how old we are!
I know you and I have a lot in common. I think (and I could be wrong) even in our style of recovery. Lets continue to talk and share because I think (and I don’t think I am wrong) the key lies in those magical moments. Appreciating those every day, “Magical Moments!”

[kpat]

Nope, he still says he didn’t do it. I called him at school that morning and the first call he didn’t answer. The second call he answered and guess what? He got a referral! Ha ha. I got the call this morning from the Dean. He has work detail after school on Thurs. For 2 hours. I told the Dean it was me that called him, but he explained that my son answered the phone and then proceeded to walk out of the classroom to talk to me. If every student did that, there would be chaos. I just said, yes sir, and laughed to myself. That kid knew he better answer me. He knows what he did. I am going to make him wash and vacuum my car this week. He is sticking by his story, but his behaviour is very telling. Usually, he tells the truth when he is caught, but I just don’t know this time. It is kind of a tactic he is using to make me doubt myself. I did that with my Mom. I would borrow her clothes and “forget” to put them back. She would be looking for a blouse or something and it would be gone. Knowing it was me, knowing she hadn’t worn it. I would look right at her and LIE! My poor kid, he doesn’t understand what a terrible teenager I was. My memory is still pretty good, so he’s not fooling me very often. I also tell him, whatever we don’t catch him at, God still knows. My sister calls him Jonah. She tells him “you can’t run forever you will still end up in Nineva”. She says he’s going to be a minister and won’t he have the best pulpit stories about how God turned him around! I will add your children to my prayer list, your baby, we will thank God in advance for the change in him:)

[kpat]

Thank you Ican for your sweet words. I think you should post just like you mentioned. Just like you are talking to a friend. I don’t have a perfect family, who does? Your comments made me want to cry. I think above everything I am called to do, parenting my children is my biggest job, but at some point, they are on their own. Their walk becomes their own. We have already come to that. They are nearly grown. I can only support and guide. You can’t punish a 17 year old very much. I can take his phone. I can put him to work.
I like the idea of more magical moments. I think that is like getting a big win.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, sounds like a magical day. Can I contrast it to my weekend when I could hardly get out of be cos I had no money cos I gambled most of Thursday night..

But had enough for my son to meet up with his mates n stuff.

Keep free Kpat .
This is so horrible!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, sounds like a magical day. Can I contrast it to my weekend when I could hardly get out of be cos I had no money cos I gambled most of Thursday night..

But had enough for my son to meet up with his mates n stuff.

Keep free Kpat .
This is so horrible!!

[kpat]

I thank you Happy for sharing because I am always one bet away from that!
I am concerned for my CG Mother and truthfully frightened for both my parents right now. My Mother has a retirement that hasbeen under a financial planner’s care for the last ten years. That contract is expiring and she told my sister that she doesn’t want to keep her money there. She wants it available. I told my sister to tell our Dad what she is planning. She has that retirement just as much because of him as for her own hard work. He worked a job that allowed her to work and save that money. This is his retirement too. If she gets ahold of that money it will be gone in a year. My sister was afraid of causing a fight between them if she told Dad. I told ner to tell nim anyway! Imagine the fight if he finds out all his plans for retirement are gone because she loses it all.
I am worried sick over them. I told my sister that I still want to gamble, that despite the ban, I am still struggling. Our Mom is over the top in the throws of this addiction. She could have them bankrupt in no time if she has access to that all at once.
She is mean, she lies, she is agitated all the time. She is miserable and no where near ready to admit she has a problem. My Dad is an alcoholic and he is mean to her too, which just makes her want to run gamble. It is enough to make me dizzy.

[Anonymous]

Kpat
What a lot of worries.. Is your dad drinking at the moment.?
I suppose really within. A marriage both partners own everything – as usually there are many sacrifice made for any money to accumulate .
Your post has served as a lesson to me- I always think its my money – I earned it , but of course life is never that simple .
It is my way of excusing the money I have squandered.

While I can’t really offer you any advice I hope it all works out . I have watched my mum squander my dads quite substantial life savings since his death. It was so inportant to him that he left her and us ( not happening now!!!) well provided for and instead he has left the local casinos well provided for .

Trust your gut on this one!!

[lauren05]

Pat,

So hard when it is one’s parents and one can see what is going on, particularly since you’ve been there and still struggling. Worst that your mom does not recognise she has a problem and is lost in this deceitful world. I do hope your sister gets to mention it to your dad. Yes, it is a vicious circle. Your mom is running away from the flack and unkindness of your dad for many years, to escape and cope.

I have no answers and no advice but all I can say in times like these, all we can do is pray. I’ll pray for you and that situation, Pat. Just keep looking up and trust in God when we don’t have the answer.

Hang in there. Be strong and stay focused.
Just for today……DON’T gamble.

God bless.
Love,
Lauren

[vera]

I can understand your fear for your mother’s Retirement Fund, kPat.
Sadly. if she dips into it, it won’t last a year as you predicted. It will be gone much sooner than that!
It sounds to me that you should set up a Family Intervention. Neither your father nor your mother can save themselves. Can you approach the Financial Agency and put a stay on those funds? Get legal advice before it’s too late kPat!
Pray as it everything depends on God and act as if everything depends on you.
Otherwise it will all end in tears!

[kpat]

Thank you for all your posts. I can’t really help much with this situation with my parents. I hate to let my sister have this burden, but until one of them tells me, it is too hard for me to bring it up. I talked to my Mom today and she was very chipper, my niece and nephews’s award ceremony is tonight. She was asking how much she should give my niece for graduation. She is my husband’s sister’s daughter. She was telling me about all the distant family that she sent gifts(money) to. She picked my son up from school today after his work detail punishment. She wants him to get a job.
I can’t get involved too much in their finances, my parents are only 63 and 66 yrs old. They aren’t demented. My Dad still works fulltme and he is brilliant. He drinks beer from the time he gets off work until he goes to bed. He is a royal jerk at times, but then he is a family man too. No wonder I have dysfunction, my Dad was my biggest supporter and yet he scared the living crap out of me growing up. He would say things like, you can be anything you want to be, you are smart, you are able. Then I have memories of my Mom having to pull over the car so he could puke, covering my ears so I wouldn’t hear him being sick. Both my parents have the best senses of humor, they adore each other, they are amazing, and yet, they are straight up dysfunctional people. Co-dependence, enabling, addictions, all that.
I am praying, but this is a scary time. I hope my Mom decides to renew with this group. My sister told her to do a two year contract. Maybe she will, otherwise because of her age, being below retirement age, she will see the tax man eat up as much as her gambling!
Speaking of taxes, my very first post mentions winning a couple of jackpots, well I won more than those two in 2014. Because I won, I had to pay taxes on my winnings this year. My so called winnings, because you know I never had that money for more than a minute, I paid over $3k in taxes on money I never got to use. So jackpots are lies too. I spent that money on gambling, then a year later I get to spend my own money on the fact that I won it! CG cannot win. A jackpot just costs me money, so why would I want to win one?

[kpat]

My Mom brought up the finance situation and she made the good decision to renew her contract. I also spoke to my Dad and he was aware of the risk. He told me, I have been married to her for over 40 years and if I had listened to her, we would be living in a cardboard box. He said he knows he has to try to protect their money. He also said he would support her if she ever decided to get some professional help. This was a revelation to me as he has his eyes open to the addiction.
Graduation was a wonderful time. We had two parties and both were full of family, food, and boating.

[lauren05]

Pat, God IS listening and answering your prayers. I am so happy to hear your mom renewed the contract and you dad is aware of this and knows when to step in. We will just have to keep praying and never give up hope that your mom is being led to the point to seek professional help.

Sounds like the graduation was a lot of fun too with great times and laughter with the family. That is what life is all about. We just need to be patient and not wish to be the one to turn things around. Money is never the answer and gambling is NOT the means.

Cheers,
Lauren

[micky]

Thanks for your post, yea the money thing is really dragging me down , 12 days until payday 🙁 Thanks for asking about Joey , he pulled through and is still with us he is two and a half years old a good age for a hamster, he sleeps most of the time then eats the other times , wouldn’t it be great if our lives were that simple . I’m doing the three things a day to remind me life isn’t that bad. I have no family support whatsoever which doesn’t help . Iv’e done things on my own for years now so anyway i’m used to it , main thing is i’m not gambling or abusing alcohol . I need what little money i have for food . When my mam died last year i didn’t realise how much i would miss her it’s left a big void in my life , it’s something you which you can never prepare for . On a good note however it’s good to look back on the good times we had together, our love of the royal family , patriotism, tennis, manchester united, and boy could she drink coffee and smoke , smoked and lived to the ripe old age of 86 , was cremated on what would have been her 87th birthday and the day she died her passport ran out, coincidence i know. Sorry for rambling on i just realised i was . M.

[kpat]

On the 14th it will be two months since I gambled. I sat down and went back through the calendar and that is three times in nearly 8 months. That is amazing! I am not cured, but I feel like I am moving in the right direction.
Yesterday was my daughter’s birthday and my husband and I both took the day off. We went to the zoo. My daughter invited a childhood friend, so the five of us went. Our son wrote her a poem that made me cry. She was a preemie with lots of complications when she was born. He took bits of the real story and mixed it up a little ( he has only our stories to go by). It was so sweet to know that he recognized that she is a miracle. She was so frail and had multiple health problems. That her younger brother took the time to write something like that, just made me so happy. His last line was, God has a plan for you….
I am so blessed that they are close.
So about the zoo…..it sprinkled rain off and on, then it started storming. We got stuck under a gazebo for an hour and a half. Had to walk out in a flood to leave, the rain just would not stop, noone around, but us. I think there were only about 6 cars in the parking lot when we left. Had to buy two pairs of flip flops, a beach towel and a dry shirt at the gift shop, can you say “cha-ching?” Very expensive! But I can honestly say I have no memory of my 22nd birthday, and my daughter will never forget hers!! Ha ha! At one point, we were all squeezed into a bench togeth, our feet hurt from pacing the gazebo. I now know all about Okapis and the Maribou Stork, also called the undertaker stork. I was a little concerned about the lightening and tried not to believe that ugly bird was an omen….lol. Horrible weather, but awesome day! It was an adventure.

[p]

Congratulations on Two months gamble free that is wonderful and great to see you getting out doing things. The zoo trip for your daughters birthday sounds like a great day for the family. its so good getting into the recovery life isnt it.. well done and hope to keep seeing posts from you

P

[Liberty]

really building your life without gambling, the day at the zoo certainly sounds like a day that you will never forget and definitely not your daughter, these kind of days do actually make for good memories of family times, you have to laugh!
Kpat, awesome result for an awesome lady.

[Anonymous]

HI Kpat, what struck me was you were able to hear cha-ching. You had money because you have not been gambling and that must feel good. I am just about to go away for the weekend with my friend. i am looking forward to it but also a little anxious about leaving my family. i am on my fourth week gamble free and iIfeel great! Your suggestion that I read the bible each day has helped so much. i don’t always manage to but i feel God working powerfully in my life. I feel his presence with me constantly!

I too forget my 22nd birthday ! Your daughter will look back and laugh about hers!

[kpat]

Just checking in. My husband and I went to the beach for the weekend about two weeks ago. We had a great one night get-a-way. We were running away from our ungrateful children. It was a great trip, but we did visit the dog track while we were there. He loved it, I tolerated it. We both bet, but I have to say, I was ready to leave very soon. He wanted to stay, so we stayed. I know it is a form of gambling and I saw all the same desperate characters, but for me, this is not my addiction. It was like something I could easily do without forever. I suppose I have to count it as gambling, but there is no real guilt there. I didn’t want to tellmy family because they all know I struggle with slots. I have not bought a scratch off lottery which is something I do recognize is risky behaviour for me. So I stay away from that.
I believe that given the opportunity, I would go to the casino, but since we keep cramming things into our weekend, there has been no trips. Money worries are lighter, I am making serious progress on debt reduction. I don’t think about gambling for days at a time now. That is so nice. I am having some thoughts today, I don’t know what we have planned this weekend, so I will have to be on guard.

[vera]

Good that you enjoyed that weekend away with “himself” kPat. I think it gives a great message of Unity to the children when parents go away together.
Horses, dogs and bookies for me are boring. I remember going for a work night out to a dog stadium a few years ago. I do agree people get hooked though. Keep an eye on hubby. It might give him a buzz.
July is here already!

[kpat]

Hello to all my GT friends!
Just thought I should update. I have NOT gambled. I did have the opportunity to run off last Saturday, but we stalled and stalled until the weather was got ugly and because of the lateness of the day and the long trip it would take, I just decided to pass. That is real progress. I was still a bear for the rest of the weekend, but that is my addiction acting out. I still struggle. It is horrible that this switch has been turned on in me. Why after all that I have been through would my mind still turn to gambling as a fun activity?
We have managed to buy our son a car. We have been able to afford the exhorbitant car insurance premiums. My bills are current. Our debt is still massive,, but we are chipping away at it very nicely.
My life has improved so much and yet that temptation becons still. It isn’t every day thankfully and with proper planning, and by not allowing myself opportunity, I am still gamble free. Praise God!

[p]

Well done on your gamble free, every time you have had the thoughts or urges you have got through, continue to do what you have done by making it this far, congrats, well done

P

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, it is so lovely to hear from you, Am pleased to read your recovery is going well. I am also surprised that you still get strong urges. If I ever make it that far in recovery it is something to look out for.so your post has also been helpful.
I am on day 1 again but fighting back. Blockers on everything.. And about to try GA. Again. When I say again I haven’t actuAlly got out of the car yet to go inside.
What an absolute joy to be able to buy your son a car. What’s great parents your are.

Keep strong when those urges happen…my new motto is
“Resist the devil and he will flee from you”!!!!

[lauren05]

Pat, so good to hear you’re getting on so well and managed to buy your son a car. What a lovely position to be in. That’s all due to you turning your back on gambling. I’ve found that when you get those urges, it is the little scared girl inside you trying to take control to get you out but she doesn’t have the adult experience or knowledge to do that. You need to speak loudly and clearly to her and let her know that you as an adult are to make adult decisions and choices to manage this. By responding to the inner child and being kind to yourself, will help you to think rationally and be an adult in this and not succumb to that nervous scared girl inside you.

It’s never going to be quick and easy. That way we fall and relapse. We need to learn that this road does get dry, barren and very dusty at times but it’s by walking this road, reaching out and evaluating ourselves that we can beat this. I find that God has been my strength along this road and led me to become a better person, changed my way of thinking and the more I walk along with Him at my side, I change. My thoughts change and I become content and don’t fear facing the future.

This is the process we need to go through, going through the furnace as dross and coming out as refined gold.

When you focus on God and what really matters in our lives, that temptation goes. The little girl inside is calm and we feel safe cos we know it is not all about us. Just as you focused on your son. This will pass, Pat. Keep trusting and enjoy every moment of the day without looking to the future. That will all fall into place when our eyes are focused on Him and living just for today.

Lots of love,
Lauren
xxxx

[kpat]

I appreciate all the comments. Thank you.
It was a good thing that we didn’t give in and gamble last Saturday because my son’s car is very old (1994) and wouldn’t you know, the alternator went out on it on his second day of driving it! So his Dad took it to the mechanic and had them check the whole thing over for safety and have them replace the alternator. The bill was a whopping $697. Now we still have to replace the tires and I am hoping this vehicle still has some miles left to give us. The mechanic said that mice had made a nest in the wiring:) this is a car that sat for a long time. That is all our available cash. All gone, but let me just say that not gambling has allowed this opportunity. I had $7, I had -$1200!!!! This is truth. I was so completely irresponsible with our family’s future. No wonder I was sleepless and frantic. Having a paycheck go into our account and not be gone from negative balance fees is awesome. Getting a bonus and watching it sit inSavings week after week waiting for the time to buy our boy a car. Priceless freedom.
Lauren and Happy (sorry girl you cant be fear, i reject that name) you both have a similar thought in your replies to me. Happy, you wrote resist the devil and he will flee from you…..Lauren wrote to stay focused on God. Both of these work together. The verse is James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
That’s the way to win at this recovery.

[lizbeth4]

Hi kpat. It was awesome that you were able to buy a car for your son and to be able to pay for repairs. I used to hope that nothing would happen because we never had extra money as I would gamble it all away. The stress and sleepless nights we cause ourselves. Life is better without gambling!

[vera]

Wonderful progress kPat and safe driving for your son. I know in US the kids drive much earlier than they do here. Only the rich ones get cars early in this part of the world. Insurance is the stickler. Costs a lot but not as much as gambling. Nothing is as expensive as gambling.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, this reminds me of your post on my thread. I just came a cross it in my setting captives free course. Your post on my thread was really amazing and made me look at things differently.
I am going to try make it to GA this week.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken”. Ecclesiastes

It’s about support and accountability , kinda like you said!

[kpat]

Life is better without gambling! Lizbeth, Vera, and Happy thank you for your replies. It makes me feel good when someone writes here.
Our church added Sunday school today and an extra sservice in the evenings. They have nominated my husband to be a deacon. He will also teach next week’s Sunday school lesson. God is really changing things. We are trying to live according to His will, but can I just say that this world sure does turn my head. Keeping fixed on Him is hard if you keep turning your head. Money and success here on earth wont mean a thing in heaven. I dont know if my husband will accept the deaconship. We have a lot wrong with our household. I don’t know if we are really living up to the standard of such a position. I suppose my biggest fear is that we will end up a stumbling block to someone. He meets all the criteria, except The wife of a deacon is supposed to be” reverent, not slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things”. He is also supposed to rule his house well.
I am not so sure that I am temperate. I am certainly not faithful in all things. I am scared to be held to these standards because I don’t want to hurt our little church, or be a reason that someone might say, hey look there, you see those two? She has a gambling problem and he let her! He likes to gamble a little, but she, she is an addict. I don’t want to be the reason someone might stay away. God offers grace, but few people do.

[kpat]

Feeling down tonight. I am still gamble free and finances are certainly brighter, but I feel very flat. I had a rough day at work. I have been speaking to a few people about my gambling addiction lately and have spoken out loud all of the misery it has caused me. It seems to help keep me focused on NOT causing myself anymore harm. My thoughts still get twisted up and the lies my addicted brain tells me are still very tempting. Talking it out just seems to settle those lies down. When I start to list all the bad things gambling created, it sheds truth on my own lies. I can’t win. Even if I win, I will have to pay taxes on the winnings and I will not get to keep the win. I will just give it all back and reawaken the daily torture.
I would get nauseous when I tried to eat. I couldn’t sleep. I felt guilty all the time. I felt like all my life revolved around when I could gamble again. I could spend a weeks pay in one night. I almost lost my house, (twice!!) I sold my first weddingband, I sold a ring I had since I was 15 years old (I sometimes forget I did that and start searching through my jewelry box for it). I ruined my credit. I created debt that wont be paid off for years.
So I haven’t gambled, but tonight I feel really depressed. This is not like me. I am so tearful and for no good reason.
Gambling surely wouldn’t help. I would just be depressed and broke. I am vulnerable when I feel like this. This is why I am not able to gamble, I have a brain that has decided that the cure is gambling, when the truth is gambling was the disease itself. The very disease that caused my brain to be jacked up like it is now!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kpat for your supportive post on my thread. I’m sorry that you are feeling down. I caused a lot of damage when I gambled. I wish I had the jewelry back that I sold to gamble. It still makes me sad! It took awhile to dig myself out of debt but you will do it. It can feel overwhelming at times but remember you will get out of debt because you are not gambling. I found that even when I am gamble free that my brain still plays games with me. I know that gambling is never the answer to any of my problems and I know the consequences but it is always lurking around. I have started meditating for 15 minutes every morning before I start my day. It helps to calm and ground me. Take care of yourself.

[vera]

Yes kPat, the Flashbacks can be as bad as the gambling Even worse because we don’t have the prop of gambling to sustain us. It’s good to reflect and see the trail of destruction we have left behind. I think being aware of what we have done makes it even more painful when we “slip” again. We really know we are putting more nails in our own coffin.
If we didn’t have the ability to start again where would we end up?
Despite my recent blunders, I am restoring my Retirement Fund
My payments are due on the 12th of every month. This month’s went in only today, due to the 12th falling on a Saturday. Four down. 26 to go, one month at a time.
Is your hubby still working late hours? ‘Hope you have adjusted.

[kpat]

I am coming up on the anniversry of my ban. In 8 days it will be one year. I have been to a casino 5 times in the last year. I am not proud of that, because each of those slips took time and deliberate planning. I AM very happy that we banned from the the closest, because I had no way to fight that place. My addiction could not rest for a minute until we took that step.
I still have no savings. I applied for a credit card recently ro buy a new washing machine and was denied, the rejection was because of past delinquencies. That’s just as well. I had to pay outright. It is paid for and I am able to move on without more debt.
I have to say, it was humiliating to see my annual income, but be denied for that amount of credit. That’s what gambling addiction really is to me, Humiliating!
I had this picture in my head of success, and I saw the money go in and then right back out. Success should not be pictured this way. I had believed for too long that a certain amount of things would make me happy. A certain amount of money in the bank, a certain title at work, a certain car or wardrobe…..that’s not success.
Success was on Sunday when my children wanted to have lunch together with us after church (22 and 17 and they still give us time). Success was tonight seeing my 9 year old nephew’s face when he realized I came to watch his baseball game. Success was getting a text from my 17 year old letting me know he was on his way home from work the other night because he knew I would worry about him driving in the rain.
I want to focus myself on these intangibles, instead of monetary things and the world’s view of success. I mean what really drove me to be come a CG? It was the search for a good time, a big win, for what? Who was going to want to spend a second with me when I had shut all of these important things out? I have to ask myself, if I was still in the strangle hold of gambling like I was, would I still even have these intangibles to be grateful for? I highly doubt I would have a nickel if we had not banned last year.
I am not cured, but I am getting better. I am moving toward a life that finds joy in other things, things that truly matter.

[lizbeth4]

Hi kpat. Thanks for your post. None of us are cured. We get the urges and if we have enough barriers in place and support we can ride it out. I think it is a ongoing process. But after a while the urges lessen and the gambling ceases. I think that you could have tons of money and be unhappy. Look at all of these stars and paid athletes. They have so many addictions. I think we have forgotten the things that are important: family and friendships. Kpat, I think it is the little things in life that bring happiness I think that you are doing amazingly well in your recovery journey. It’s hard! You must have good kids. They want to spend time with you and treat you respectfully. That says a lot about you as a parent. My best accomplishments are my children and my Grandson, who my Husband and I raised the first 3 years of his life. They are my joy. I think you are doing great. Keep going. PS. credit isn’t all that it cracked up to be. I think that paying in cash is probably better for us.

[Anonymous]

HI Kpat, it’s me using an old user account. I closed my other one due to feeling uncomfortable with some issues but I have now moved on.
I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I love that your children are so thoughtful. I am on a bit of a high due to something quite similar with my son.

I think it says a lot that despite the fact that this addiction sucked you in for a while you still raised two great kids. You further deserve credit for the way you bravely have taken so much action to stay in recovery. It’s very hard work. I know that.

I am also happy to report that I am also well into recovery and doing well. Thank you for your support when things were bad, it really meant a lot.

[kpat]

Thanks Lizbeth and Happygirl ( I will just pick my favorite name for you68)
I looked all through the forum for your thread! Where is P?

I can’t find hers either:(

So time for some honesty. I wasn’t as brave as some and didn’t come back and post after my worst experience with gambling since I started my recovery. Well there was the horrific fight at the boat, but this other event made me feel like I had stooped lower than any other time n my gambling addiction.
I wanted to go, I let my thoughts run wild. I had been doing so well and had not posted because I wasn’t thinking about it at every turn. I had let my guard down..
I invited my daughter to go with her Dad and I!
I can barely type this. This was about a 6weeks ago. Who does something like that? I KNOW this runs in the family. I did it to lessen my guilt? So I didn’t have to feel so bad about running off. I don’t know! When we walked in and I had to show her how to do the math and I watched her start to play. I thiught I was going to vomit. I became physically ill.
She lost money, her own money and a lot of ours because we kept handing it over to her. I am glad she didn’t win. She didn’t have a great time and we didn’t stay as long as was our ususal. Basically, I am a CG that introduce gambling to my beautiful, sweet daughter.
Someone should add that to the list of questions for GA.
Are you such a low life addict that you would involve your innocent child in your schemes to lesson the feeling of guilt in that moment of weakness?
Yes X
Did it make you feel better or worse?
Like a big fat peice of crap failure as a mother and human being WORSE.
I can’t even type anymore. Seeing this in writing makes me want to cry.

[lizbeth4]

Kpat, I feel your pain. You are a good parent. Let it go. I am glad your Daughter didn’t win. Don’t you feel free getting that off of your shoulders? We all make mistakes. I can’t find P’ s thread either. Kin made a new one for her and I posted on it. Again kpat, forgive yourself.

[charles]

Well done on posting honestly here kpat.

Now, what positive steps can you now you take that will get you back into recovery and at the same time be a positive example for your daughter?

[kpat]

Thanks Lizbeth and Charles,
I am across the pond and rarely am off when the groups are open. I wish I could join in them.
I talked openly with my daughter about the trip. After Charles’s very good question/ challenge. She knows my issues and I asked her why she agreed to come with us.
I told her I thought I asked her to make it seem less sinister, maybe take part of the guilt away from the whole thing. Here is a 22 year old child and grandchild of a CG’s response:
“I thought maybe I could keep you and Dad out of trouble”
“I wanted to know what the big deal about the casino was”
“When we were there and I was looking around, I felt like I was the only one who could see through the whole thing. I felt like I was the only one who could see what a sham it was!”
“I did not have a good time and all I could think about was how stupid it is to throw your money away like that”

So how do you stay quit? I can go about 2months, then it seems to overwhelm me.

[lizbeth4]

Kpat, I am glad that your Daughter didn’t like the casino. She sounds like a smart and wise young woman. It is good that you and she could have that conversation and that you were so honest with her regarding your gambling. It took me a long time to be honest with my family. My 9 year old Grandson asked me what a casino was. I told him it was like playing video games (he could relate) but for adults and that you have to feed the machine money and that you don’t win often. He said that was stupid! They are pretty smart!
.

[kpat]

I have no problems. I talked to a nurse tonight from another branch about a shared patient. She started telling me about herself.
This nurse is 38, about 5 months pregnant, and has an 18 month old and 5 year old.
She has aplastic anemia and was scheduled for a bone marrow transplant to save her life when they discovered she was pregnant. She chose to continue her pregnancy and is now hoping to live long enough for her baby to be delivered. She says she has about a 70% survival prognosis.
She touched my heart.
Please pray for this mother, her children, and her husband. I am sure he is scared to death for her.
I get so wrapped up in myself, my stress, my faults, my drama….I have no problems. Everythings good and if it’s not good, it could be worse. So today, I am just going to be thankful.
Gambling addiction wants me to put myself first. It makes me want, want, want. When I put others needs and well being first, it makes gambling really stupid and selfish.
I have no real problems, so I am choosing not to make my life anymore stressful than it is, best way to do that is Not to gamble.

[lizbeth4]

I will pray for them. This puts things into perspective.

[Simon15]

Hi there, I’ve just been reading some of your thread and I can see there’s a real battle going on with you and your family, which is mostly spiritual it seems. You’re right of course, gambling is totally selfish in nature, and doesn’t allow us to ever feel we have enough or to be grateful. Not only should we think of others more, but we should also think of all the good things in our own lives with gratitude, as this will feed the good things rather than the bad. I know you know all these things, but as with all of us, it’s good to keep being reminded of the truth.
God bless you and best wishes for the future, for yourselves and all those around you, remember that with God anything is possible. Have faith.
Simon.

[vera]

Yes, kPat, we really do become selfish when we gamble.
“How will I get the next loan?”
“How will I cover my tracks?”
“How will I win back MY money?”
etc etc etc
It’s all about ME. Selfishness and indiscipline.
When you meet somebody who is self sacrificing , like that colleague you mentioned, it makes us squirm.
God will honour her loyalty to Life, kPat. I will keep her and her family in my prayers.
It makes our problems pale into insignificance when we hear stories like that. I have heard many but when we are in the throes of gambling, we block them out due to selfishness.
I’m glad your daughter had a negative experience in the casino. Reading your post, reminded me about the day I took my son with me. He was about 19 0r 20 then. I put money in a machine and set him up playing small bets. I could see his eyes lighting up and his cheeks becoming flushed. I felt as if I had given him an illegal drug . Given him poison to alleviate my own “thirst”. I had a win and said “lets go”. He was reluctant to leave but he did. I hope and pray our children never get sucked into a lifestyle that sucked the life and soul from their mothers. I wouldn’t wish this “disease” on my worst enemy. It’s a curse from Hell.
By the way, why did your husband agree to that trip? Don’t blame yourself totally. Your daughter had an input too.
I think the reason I brought my son along was to fool myself and him into thinking gambling is a “fun outing”. I’m sure they are wiser than we give them credit for. I hope that wisdom never leaves us or them, kPat.
I loved your poem, kPat.
Keep composing!

[kpat]

Thank you all for your prayers for my new friend, Melissa.
I haven’t given a thought to gambling. I had a rough day today at work. I had to eliminate a position. The employee was graciuos which just made me feel even worse. I maneuvered things as I was able. I managed to get her a small severence. It is still painful to lose a teammate. Times are tough and I am thankful to have a job. I had to let the rest of the team know and explain it in a way that lessens their fear of losing their own positions. Tears and hugs flowed, all while I was the orchestrator of her leaving. (Not really, this was a corporate decision) I had to do their dirty work, but my staff will think it was me. I have broad shoulders, I can take it, but it it still hurts.

Vera, you are correct about my husband. On the way out of town, I looked up movie times and told him to take a road over to a theater and we would not go to the casino. This was my chance to fight the urge, my last half-way effort in averting the trip. Our daughter was in the backseat and said, yeah Dad, let’s go see that movie. You know he kept driving. He drove right past that exit.
I asked him why he didn’t take me up on the movie to avoid another gambling trip. He said, “you weren’t going to stop until we went. If I had turned off toward the theater, you just would’ve wanted to go the next weekend.”
I told him, this trip was as much his fault as my own. I gave him a way out and he didn’t take it. He’s not a compulsive gambler,but he likes to play the slots. He’s not addicted but he was no help to me that day.
I will own up that it’s my fault we went, but I told him, it’s his job to stand up to me. It’s his job to see and help me when I am weak.
That’s why we had to ban, we made numerous pacts, a thousand promises to stay away from the local casino and broke them all. When we were there, he was right in line to get more money. This addiction was a joint effort, and apparently the recovery is all up to me!!!

[vera]

It’s tough being a boss kPat.
The ruthless Higher ups often use middle management to do the dirty work. As you say though, it’s good to have a job.
I didn’t intend stirring up animosity between you and “himself” regarding that casino trip, but I think we are too quick to take the blame, sometimes and I do remember you saying he had promised to “protect” you. He left you wide open, kPat. I hope he realizes that now.

[micky]

Hi Kpat i’m still waiting for my C.B.T. treatment to start with the N.P.G.C so i’ve been doing lots of self help in the meantime like getting the book. I am getting there slowly but surely i know it’s an old adage but one day at a time does work .

[charles]

Hi again Kpat,

You ask a good question.

“So how do you stay quit? I can go about 2months, then it seems to overwhelm me.”

The pain fades and the urges return. That’s where the time since our last bet isn’t as important as what we have done in that time.

Two months from now can you be banned from where ever it is you gamble? Can you be getting to GA meetings? Can you still be posting here to maintain your recovery?

[kpat]

Hi Charles,
Thanks for the prodding. I looked into banning from the particular place, but it’s three hours away and you have to make an appointment. Uggh, I don’t want to go there at all, let alone drive that far and be turned away.
One of my 5 trips in the last year was when I was away on a business trip, ot of state. (Not going there again)
One was on the boat(not going there again) not if I want to stay married.
The other 3 times were to the 3 hour venue, that is a little over 6 hours round trip. Last trip was about 7 weeks ago. The longest stretch gamble free in this last year was 4 months. I don’t want to go to GA by myself, and my husband works nights….althogh my I will. So what’s left?
Maybe I will plan a 6hour trip, with an appointment, oh who am I kidding, I won’t do that.
I just have to keep posting, although there are times when Even being on GT makes me think of gambling more than I would if I wasn’t posting.
I suppose I have to post, call my sister, find a new productive habit…..for when the urges return.
what was your best help when things were early in your own recovery?

[Anonymous]

HI Kapt, there has been a lot happening with you. Firstly about your daughter-the fact you have a gambling disorder doesn’t mean she will ever develop one.

I think it was not just your choice to bring her there- there were two other adults who made this decision so try not to beat yourself up.. I don’t buy your husband’s reasoning about the next weekend.. However I think he was being kind and felt it was where you would like to go best. My husband would probably do the same, although I too hate the idea of my son ever gambling, so I get you completely .

I guess we need to remember that gambling isn’t such a big deal for people who do not have a gambling disorder..

I find there are a lot of downsides to management . Sometimes I ask is it worth it for the extra few quid, especially when I think of all I “wasted”!

Thank you for your post on my thread Kpat. I guess my experience has been that when I decided I was no longer going to allow people to label me or define me by a gambling disorder , it became a much smaller thing to deal with. It is no longer the giant it was which could overwhelm me.it is a tiny thing which I can squash down when I need to.

I think I got angry when I read the f and f forums .it seems to me that they happily chose to think that every fault became “typical” of a ,”cg”. Yet their own faults whether stealing or whatever, are only done because of their “my cg”! My perception.!
Most people on there only have experience of one person in their life with a gambling disorder
It has been helpful however in seeing how maybe I allowed others and their negative perceptions of me to become me.
I guess Im passionate about labels as I have experienced how throwing one off can change your life. It is not a matter of making a decision to throw it off it is something which takes time …and I’m not really sure how I made this shift..but it has been the most positive thing I have done in controlling this disorder.

I hope you are feeling better after you horrible task at work. It sounds like you managed it unbelievably well.
Stay strong my friend?

[charles]

Kpat,

A few thoughts…..

A 6 hour round trip to get yourself banned? A long way for sure but that will save the 30 hours driving that just a further 5 trips to the casino would take.

You don’t want to go to GA on your own? Have you/would you ever go gambling on your own?

It sounds like your sister would help? Go with you as moral support when you get banned? Help you with accountability?

What did I do in my early days?
Lots of little thigns for sure. Going to GA helped; for me there was nothing like looking into the eyes of another Cg who wasn’t gambling to give me hope. I made myself accountable, had bank statements etc sent to a family member I trusted so that i couldnt gamble secretly. I filled my time and made plans for days off work especially.

Lots of things really but if I had to put it in one short sentence – I did things I really didn’t want to do. Those are the things that will usually help us stop gambling

Would some of the things you don’t want to do help you stop?

[kpat]

I hear and am listening to the truth in what you are writing. I must do more to put this desire in a position to have no sway when opportunity arises.
I looked up GA again.I truthfully, do not think I will ever go.
Today is a good day. I did not gamble, I had urges yesterday and I put them away. I have plans for my time, my money and my thoughts are directed to constructive things.

I am forgiven, I am not condemned. Through God’ss mercy and grace, I am free. Seeking my higher power daily to do for me what I have been unable to do for myself. One day at a time, with a plan, looking forward to make sure I am guarded and ready. I know my history, my cycle, and must be ready
Some talk about smoking, my sweet girl Sad, thank you for posting what myself needed to read. It is a nasty addiction for sure. Like all addictions, there are none that are completey harmless to others. Because we love our families and they love us, our addictions cause harm to them.
I try to minimize the effect, I smoke outside, but it’s true I am harming others by harming myself. Like alcoholism, drugs, overeating, ignoring the fat content or overprocessing in food, like gambling compulsions, elicit affairs, gossiping, foul language, pornography addictions, there are always consequences to addictions outside of ourselves. I have a lot of work to do, I have a lot of grace poured over my life.
Feeling free today of condemnation and I am thankful for mercy.

[Anonymous]

Hi Kpat, well done on resisting those urges. I love your list.I am guilty of a lot of the things on there. I have just been kinda writing my thoughts on stuff. It wasn’t meant to be a “get at those who smoke ” post … More like a “trying to make me feel a little less like the worse person in the world “post.

I am finding recovery incredibly hard. At times I wonder was it easier to gamble ? I feel afraid and hurt so much of the time and I think my recovery is real this time because my mindset has changed so much in how I view things.. But I miss the escape. Maybe I will tackle your list one by one on my thread ..

I am really pleased you are doing so well. You are such a good person . Have you any thoughts on why we got caught up in this addiction?

Yes. God has forgiven us out mistakes and it is by God’s grace we are free from this madness

[Anonymous]

Ps I have just reread my smoking post and yes it does read quite angrily. I was going to delete it but I think it will be useful for me to track my progress.
Over eaters watch out !! Haha ( I am one)

[icandothis]

Hi Kpat, I wanted to thank you for asking about how I was doing on my thread. I haven’t even read very many posts. I have read a bit of yours, and it sounds like you are doing ok. This past summer was crazy. We sold the cottage and worked every weekend to clean things out and get the trailer ready to live in. We had to deal with a poor contractor who never did get the floors of the trailer right. There are still soft spots. Such shabby work. So frustrating. The woman I call on health is deteriorating, so she rarely gets out of the house. I am enjoying my other job more and more, and mostly I am working on finding a balance between work and the rest of my life. I tend to get carried away and consumed with work in much the same way I do with gambling. Don’t take the time to take care of myself. Last week my husband was out of town and I went gambling. I was going to go for awhile and then come home and get some things done around the house. I stayed all night and wore myself into the ground.
This has set my recovery back, but I am still on the road. I haven’t had the time to post like I used to, but I still think of you and others here. I have time to do some journaling today. I feel like I may never conquer my weaknesses. But just for today, I am going to be thankful for my life just as it is, warts and all! Then focus on the new, stronger, healthier me that is trying to emerge. I know she is there somewhere! lol Have a wonderful Sunday, Kpat. Peace.

[vera]

That line written by Charles on your thread is going through my head all day, kPat.
Did you see it?

[kpat]

I saw it. I read it. I hear it in my head too.
“Those are the things that will usually help us stop gambling,”
That’s profound.

[kpat]

I am glad to hear from you! I hope you post more. Balancing anything is tough, when we have certain personality traits, I think we struggle more than some. Lol
Miss seeing your posts.
Youcandothis!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kpat for your post on my thread. Today was really hard. I feel like little pieces of my heart are being torn out by my Mom. I don’t think she knows how devastating her words and actions are. I do need to have time to cool down. We both need a time out. I am almost at the end of the line with her. I am having tummy aches and acid reflex issues when I am with her. When it is effecting my health, I need to do something about it. I may need to walk away from her. Sorry about ranting on your thread. Thanks for your support. It helps me a lot to put things into prespective. Thanks.

[deile]

hi kpat, this is my first time on this site or any gambling site. i read your post and understand that feeling of dread and loss. its horrible. i see you posted a few months ago. how are you both doing now? i havent read all the replys ( theres alot :)). im wondering does it get easier?

[female g]

when ever you get close to the 2 month mark try tying up your time with activities that will keep you away. Talk about it and give the urge a voice. Let your mate understand how important it is to stay away from the casino. Remember the aftermath and bring it to the front of your thoughts and let yourself feel the regrets. I am using a buzz word every time the littlest thought enters my brain that has the slightest thing to do with gambling. I am finding it helpful and sometimes just yell it out as loud as I can. FRENZY over and over again. There are some good hypnosis sites on line too that you can try to help stop gambling . I have done them a few times and it may be helping me. I have been a cg for over 15 years. 5 of those years were very heavy. I have also gone for almost a year when I didn’t gamble. Then with a false sense of control I started up again and would go once a month to once a week.
I find my urges hit hard after 1 month and i am prepared to work around that time and rely on my hubby heavily then. I have finally realized I have the addiction and can’t be in a casino ever again or I will not be able to control what happens. I am going to go to a family doc for extra hypnosis appointments as well. He helped me to quit smoking using those tecniques so I am willing to try it again to quit gambling. Hope this helps and get rid of access to cash that reduces urges for sure. I am not able to access cash in a casino at all now. FG

[kpat]

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I have a day off on Monday and am so ready. Work has been brutal. My husband is off too so we will both enjoy a three day weekend.
no gambling plans

[lizbeth4]

Have a good day weekend.

[female g]

hope life is getting to be more about living it and not about giving in to gambling. You deserve to be happy and gambling with only destroy our happiness if we give in to the urges. Stay strong and thanks for the post FG

[female g]

hope life is getting to be more about living it and not about giving in to gambling. You deserve to be happy and gambling with only destroy our happiness if we give in to the urges. Stay strong and thanks for the post FG

[Anonymous]

Have a lovely weekend.Kpat. My family are all off too. I am lying in bed on a lazy Saturdat morning writing this .Bliss,

Hope you have a really relaxing time

[kpat]

My relaxing 3 day weekend is not going so well. Very little sleep last night….
Our son decided to sneak out through his bedroom window, pick up some friends and attend a party in just about the worst neighborhood I can name in our ******.
This is not the first time, in fact we found out he walked to a relative’s house to attend a party just last week. This would be about 1:00am in the morning. Our daughter found him fully dressed in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal about 2:30am last Sat. Night.
I can’t really put into words how scared I am for his safety. His disconnect to dangerous decisions is nearly absolute.
I am having chest discomfort, purely anxiety related, I hope. My heart feels like it is going haywire with dysrhythmia.

[female g]

sorry your weekend went up in smoke, but at least you ween’t consumed with gambling, so that you had a clear mind to deal with your son. This too shall pass and the requirements of parenthood see no downtime at times. The testing our teenagers throw at us can be so tough sometimes, you need all the energy you have to keep up to them. Thank goodness gambling isn’t stealing that energy. FG

[vera]

I’m no stranger to the heart flutters that a “wayward” son can cause, kPat.
“It’s part of growing up” I was told, but I have other views. Some wouldn’t be printable!
Suffice to say a mother with a gambling problem (or even a “CG”) could be driven to the nearest casino to escape, but as FG has highlighted you reserved your energy for a better cause.
Rearing children is the most difficult task.
It’s all about individual personalities and boundaries.

[kpat]

It’s very true that I nearly went to gamble today. I did NOT!! Had an honest look at the finances, tried to pray, mostly what worked was delay, delay, delay. My hb and I were both off today. We had a lunch date and behind us sat two gentleman discussing financial matters in relationship to their walk with Christ. They talked about owning a business and being a Christian. They talked about obligations as money relates to Christianity. They discussed praying for our Sheriff and law enforcement as well as the people of our town.
There we sat, my husband and I, we eavesdropped like we were getting paid to spy. I told him their converstion was more interesting than ours. He agreed that we had become one of those couples that have been married so long that we could just sit and eat, no converstion necessary! We sat there contemplating how long of a drive we would have, whether we could afford to lose money. What time would we make it home. And these men were discussing the testimony of Christian business owners. How to approach people so that they might see God in their work.
Needless to say, we heard enough to shut down my/our gambling plans. We heard what we were supposed to hear. I am thanking God for answering my prayers. Because that is what I asked for, “God please help me not to want to gamble today.”. For the first few hours of the morning, I didn’t think He heard me…….
After that lunch,
We went shopping instead. I bought a new mop, some new nail polish, and a few groceries. Filled up the gastank and am set for the rest of the work week.
Praise God for averted disaster.
ODAAT!
Freedom from guilt feels like big win!
One more thing, when I prepaid for the gas and came back to the car, my hb finished pumping and we looked at the amount of gallons, of course it was 7.77 gallons! Ha ha! My God also created laughter. We laughed all the way home. Whoop whoop!:)XOXO

[lizbeth4]

I am so glad that you didn’t gamble today. Teenagers can test you to your limits. I think that is part of their growing up process. Hang in there! Being a parent and being married are the hardest things I’ve ever done. Your relationship with your Husband sounds a lot like what my relationship with my Husband was. We knew each other so well as we had been together so long. There were many times that we didn’t need to converse. I miss that! I truly believe that you sat at that table for a reason, so you would hear that conversation. God listens to our prayers

[female g]

so great to see you both able to stop the insanity together and to hear the voice of God loud and clear through the voices of others. Awesome!! Love the 3 7’s too . I’m so happy to here you both being strong FG

[icandothis]

Hi kpat, hope you are doing well. You and your family have been in my prayers. Especially, in your concerns about your son. Also, wondering what your husband decided about the position at church. I hope any decision isn’t based on your fear that your family is not good enough for your church, as I read in one of your posts. You are not only good enough, but perfect in God’s eyes. I think deep down you know that. I know you believe that about other people. Why is it so hard to believe it about ourselves?
The Bible tells us over and over again that God does not choose perfect people by worldly standards to do His work.
I am not saying your husband should take the position. You may have too much on your plate at this time. But I just wanted to remind you of your worthiness.
Take care and be gentle with yourself and your wonderful family.

[vera]

You’ve been on my mind the last few days kPat.
I wondered why. Now I know! Wasn’t it this day last year you started your new job?
Praying for your friend, Melissa.
‘Hope all is going well for you and yours.

[icandothis]

Hi Kpat, How are you doing? I hope you enjoyed the Holiday Season. I haven’t posted much either. I miss you.

[kpat]

I just wanted to post a little update. I have missed posting, but I have read a few threads that show up on my email. I can’t believe I have been away so long.
Things are going very well. I have gambled twice, I think,since October. My husband wanted to go last Saturday, but believe it or not, I was the voice of reason this time!!! We went shopping instead at a SAMs Club and spent a ton of money on household things. He was shocked how quickly it added up. They sell things in bulk so we are set for paper products for months.
Since I have last posted, our finances have really turned around. We have paid off all but two credit cards and our credit score has recovered allowing me to buy a new car. We still have a long list of repairs for the house, but we replaced the hot water heater (which was leaking Terribly).
Our son is still a major cause of stress, he snuck out of the window of his room and skipped class to drive a Bunch of his friends to the beach all in the last week!
Reub took the battery out of his car and our daughter has been driving him to school and work (she knew what he was doing so I figure since she didn’t rat him out to us, the least she can do is help with the punishment).
He will be 18 in April and is supposed to graduate in May. He will probably move out immediately. That’s what he says now. If that is his choice, we won’t help with college and that would be a shame because he is truly brilliant and wants to be a Pharmacologist and develop drugs to fight cancer. He says he wants to work at St. Jude’s, which is a free hospital for children fighting cancer.
He’s miles from that career with the choices he is making right now.
My job is going well, I was presented with another new boss today. They realigned the regions here and I am excited to work with this boss because she has years of experience and I can actually learn from her instead of having to train my own boss which has happened three times in the last few years.
I think I would like to have that position except I don’t want to travel like they have to. I get stressed out driving in the rain and I wouldn’t want to be forced to to do that to get to all the different branches. So I am content where I am for now. I made bonus all 4 quarters this past year. They only pay out 50% until the close of the year so I am looking for big bucks to come my way soon. I plan to use it for our daughter’s dental work. She will be getting caps on all her front teeth and will cost thousands.
We left our little church a few weeks before Christmas and we were going to a different church every week up until about a month ago when we finally made a decision on a new church. There are people I miss dearly from our former church, we had been going there for nearly four years, I am so happy at the new church and since we started going there a lot of our family are starting to come too. Wonderful!
Its been 1 year and 5 months since our self ban and although I am not cured, I am so thankful that I am not compelled to gamble like I was.

[vera]

Good to hear from you kPat.
Well done on your G free time. Thankfully your husband “obeys” you when you say no to gambling. I hope he never goes alone?
Nice to have a boss who knows she is the boss and that you don’t have to train her in. you can relax in the knowledge that you can do your job without added stress.
As for that son….my gut reaction is to say kick his butt, but as Sad said, none of us had wise heads on our shoulders when we were his age. Maybe he is under pressure from his peers to act out , especially if he is a clever kid. He could be getting a bit of “jip” from the lads!
Thanks for the update. I think of you often.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kpat, It was good to see your post! Well done on your gamble free time. Your Son will come around. He is young and testing the waters. Takde care.

[kpat]

No gambling and I had means and opportunity. Dangerous combinations!
Because I have a clear enough head, I was able to run the evening through my head. It is a funny thing what can be the one reason I don’t go. It seems different everytime. Last week was a vacation we are planning (wanted to sve money). This week was the forecast for rain around the times we would be traveling the highway home.
I’ll take it.
Now for church, where I will gain strength to keep going forward, building a beautiful life without gambling.

[kin]

Psalm 23, beautifully explained :

The Lord is my Shepherd = That’s Relationship!
I shall not want = That’s Supply!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures = That’s Rest!
He leadeth me beside the still waters = That’s Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul = That’s Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness = That’s Guidance!
For His name sake = That’s Purpose!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death = That’s Testing!
I will fear no evil = That’s Protection!
For Thou art with me = That’s Faithfulness!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me = That’s Discipline!
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies = That’s Hope!
Thou annointest my head with oil = That’s Superior Power!
My cup runneth over = That’s Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life = That’s Blessing !
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord = That’s Security!
Forever = That’s Eternity!

Dear Kpat

There are times when I have thoughts to gamble and these verses in Psalm 23 save me.

The Lord is my Shepherd = That’s Relationship!
I shall not want = That’s Supply!

I don’t have to gamble.

[kpat]

It’s been a good long while since I’ve posted and I wanted to update my journal.
So many things have happened in the last 8 months that I couldn’t possibly cover them all.
As for my gambling recovery, I have had some success. I haven’t gambled since July and it was during a vacation cruise. I am otherwise gamble free since my March post.. I have had no real desires and my thoughts are clear and focused on debt reduction.
I have only been able to read Vera’s thread through my email. None of the others show up. I am hoping that all my other friends are well.
It was two years in Oct. 14 since my self exclusion that saved my sanity and the day passed with positive balances in the bank.
I read my Bible everyday, but these days my prayers are less for myself and more for others. I remember very clearly when every prayer was for God to help me quit…….

[vera]

Great to see a post from you kPat.
Well done on your G free time.
I remember when my only prayer to God was for a win!
He answered my prayer by letting me lose.
I’m laughing at my posts showing up in your emaiL notification.
AM I NOW INFAMOUS?
Two am here. I was checking my bank account, then went to the chat.
‘Hope you stay around kPat.
You were missed.
Maybe we will meet in one of the groups soon.
Take care.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kpat , I was wondering how you were doing all last week. I always enjoyed your thread.
I too am gamble free now and am so grateful to God . I too find great guidance and encouragement in the bible which I read daily .

So glad all is going well for you .

[kpat]

It is strange that I ended up finding some comments in my junk mail, but everything you posted came right to my email and it made me smile for you. You have a great fighting spirit and there were many days when I read your posts and they helped me carry on with my financial plans. I adore you, Vera;)

[i-did-it]

Hi Kpat, thank you for you post on my thread . It’s so good to hear all is going well for you.
U gambled on vacation and stopped and It no longer calls to you. That is amazing .
I believe GOd is working powerfully in your life Kpat- I wish we were friends in a Christian group.
My bible is my first source of advice- I find people often are in their own agenda but God’s wisdom and advice is agenda-less!

Keep us updated now and again .

[icandothis]

Hi Kpat, I am glad things are going well. I haven’t posted in a long time either. I would like to thank you for all your past support. Nice to hear from you.

[i-did-it]

HI Kpat,
You have been in my mind recently so I thought I would look up your thread.
I hope all so good in your life and I am not even Sure if you will read this .
I have fallen in with a super group on here – some newish members and some on even longer than me and I keep thinking you would love these girls !
Post an update if you are in GT soon!

[kpat]

Not sure how to restart this journal…
It’s been a long time.
I still need support, I haven’t gambled since Sept.2017, but the old thoughts still come. I really screwed up back in Sept. I hadn’t gambled since the previous Jan. At that time and boy did I make up for lost time. I never did tell my husband how much I lost.
So it’s been 5 months since I gambled and I gambled 3 times last year (2017).
I know many that might say this is ok, but if they were in my brain during those 3 times…. The frenzy, crazy person, was definitely NOT normal. I think someone called me a dry gambler? Like a dry alcoholic? Not really addressing the issues just forcing sobriety until you have a humongous relapse.
So, currently I’m ok, no immediate threats, but the monster in me lurks.

I-did-it, I didn’t see your message until today. I think of you often, especially when I wear my faded black clothes!!!
I haven’t read anyone’s thread yet so I have no idea who is new or still here, but I will try to stick around a little while this time. I’ve missed the friendships.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kpat,
It is so good to hear from you .
Sorry to hear you gambled – it’s really is a lifelong addiction.

I never really got it until quite recently – I have not gambled this year and am hopeful it stays this way- no think that is about seven weeks gamble free.

Yes when we are in the “frenzy” it is almost impossible to stop. It just takes over . I have been there too often . ANd yes we can do so much damage in such a short time .
How are your kids doing ?
Your son must be almost 20 now?
Time flies and gambling steal so much of it .

Well done on your gamble free time !

[Author]

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