4 September 2013 at 11:17 pm #9176thewizefoxParticipant
its been a month too forget, gambling way out of control, the lengths i have gone to gamble this time have overshadowed any previous history levels, it sickens me how much my mind has been sapped of all clearness, totally consumed by thoughts of gambling, ways to win, form, aggressive gambling to get me out of financial trouble, punishing myself day and day out and hitting that destruction button, giving up on life really and just spending every penny gambling, im on a massive high i cant think straight, the feeling when i do win is an absolute mesmorising high this is what i have to get away from, i cant feel this because eventually that massive high turns into agony, and its that massive high that i did miss and when i was in that zone it was great, but once you have your amazing day, its comes back to bite you so hard you give in and accept again that your a compulsive gambler, the problem with me is once im on a run, im the untouchable, its scares me im a like a man possessed. this addcition has gone way beyond normality now and i have to understand that i need to change my ways and stop gambling
One thing i have realised is i need to start listening to people, the buying and selling has stopped that was the root to all my problems, the stress i put my self under at such an early stage, the competivness, the way it made my mind tick each day, it was the wrong choice, and i wont be doing any of this activity when i leave this time round.
I have applied to gordon moody project in dudley, im prepared for return to treatment and no one nows that i made the call its my choice and my vision and head is much more clear this time, i wont give up as im a battler and also believe somewhere in me there is a light that just needs to be captured and put at ease somehow.
im 27 years old ive spent the last ten years battling this addiction, i am sick to death of fighting but if i give up its beaten me, and im not doing that, i want to be gamble free and if i have lost ten years then so be it, im still alive, i still have a possibility of a great life ahead, these fobts have had me for so long, i need to find a way of forgeting about them, i need to believe that i can not gamble again, ask myself what is it that makes me go back time and time again, i need to spend my next weeks focusing on me, look after me , and help me.
EVERYDAY i wake up and feel like that machine owns me, it takes everything away, the money is the bare issue, its the way it enpowers you into such drastic actions, its almost like a bad dream, what ever i do i will face up to it tomorrow, this is the type of life that is full of fear, anxiety, sadness, angryness and evrything that is exhausting.
im absolutly tired again , i barely have any friends due to my gambling, eventually people just cant take anymore, i understand as well, the problem is ive been pushing them further away by been angry about them been further away, its like a viscious circle, im ruining things even more because im not prepared to take time to build my recovery up, get the trust of people back in time, i just wanted everyone to be as normal again, its hard to put into practice definatly and i failed at it this time round i admit to that.
i no im sick and need help, i also wish i was not a gambler and could change the past but i no thats not going to happen, i have to face up to what i have done and start focusing on what i can do now for the future and not dwell on the past. Money is the least important thing for me, my health, my emotional behaviour, finding me again, been happy, been worthless, confident again would be amazing, i used to be a funny happy chappy but the gambling stole that but i can pinch it back if i keep on working on it.
No regrets, past is the past, the future i can change.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.