4 September 2013 at 11:17 pm #9077thewizefoxParticipant
its been a month too forget, gambling way out of control, the lengths i have gone to gamble this time have overshadowed any previous history levels, it sickens me how much my mind has been sapped of all clearness, totally consumed by thoughts of gambling, ways to win, form, aggressive gambling to get me out of financial trouble, punishing myself day and day out and hitting that destruction button, giving up on life really and just spending every penny gambling, im on a massive high i cant think straight, the feeling when i do win is an absolute mesmorising high this is what i have to get away from, i cant feel this because eventually that massive high turns into agony, and its that massive high that i did miss and when i was in that zone it was great, but once you have your amazing day, its comes back to bite you so hard you give in and accept again that your a compulsive gambler, the problem with me is once im on a run, im the untouchable, its scares me im a like a man possessed. this addcition has gone way beyond normality now and i have to understand that i need to change my ways and stop gambling
One thing i have realised is i need to start listening to people, the buying and selling has stopped that was the root to all my problems, the stress i put my self under at such an early stage, the competivness, the way it made my mind tick each day, it was the wrong choice, and i wont be doing any of this activity when i leave this time round.
I have applied to gordon moody project in dudley, im prepared for return to treatment and no one nows that i made the call its my choice and my vision and head is much more clear this time, i wont give up as im a battler and also believe somewhere in me there is a light that just needs to be captured and put at ease somehow.
im 27 years old ive spent the last ten years battling this addiction, i am sick to death of fighting but if i give up its beaten me, and im not doing that, i want to be gamble free and if i have lost ten years then so be it, im still alive, i still have a possibility of a great life ahead, these fobts have had me for so long, i need to find a way of forgeting about them, i need to believe that i can not gamble again, ask myself what is it that makes me go back time and time again, i need to spend my next weeks focusing on me, look after me , and help me.
EVERYDAY i wake up and feel like that machine owns me, it takes everything away, the money is the bare issue, its the way it enpowers you into such drastic actions, its almost like a bad dream, what ever i do i will face up to it tomorrow, this is the type of life that is full of fear, anxiety, sadness, angryness and evrything that is exhausting.
im absolutly tired again , i barely have any friends due to my gambling, eventually people just cant take anymore, i understand as well, the problem is ive been pushing them further away by been angry about them been further away, its like a viscious circle, im ruining things even more because im not prepared to take time to build my recovery up, get the trust of people back in time, i just wanted everyone to be as normal again, its hard to put into practice definatly and i failed at it this time round i admit to that.
i no im sick and need help, i also wish i was not a gambler and could change the past but i no thats not going to happen, i have to face up to what i have done and start focusing on what i can do now for the future and not dwell on the past. Money is the least important thing for me, my health, my emotional behaviour, finding me again, been happy, been worthless, confident again would be amazing, i used to be a funny happy chappy but the gambling stole that but i can pinch it back if i keep on working on it.
No regrets, past is the past, the future i can change.5 September 2013 at 10:17 am #9078pmckee1979Participant
***** wizefox. Like many stories in the forum, we can all compare similarities and stories that all end in the same way, and my story in the last few months couldn’t be any more similar to yours. I had my gambling at a controlled level over the last 2 years until around 6 months ago when I started getting greedy again. Our addiction is so strong, it seems we will never be happy with what we have got. I was winning large amounts with pretty small stakes compared to my usual (the best feeling in the world), on football betting, slots and other vices, to name a few. My lucky streak was in, but like all lucky streaks, they come to an end. And when ‘our’ lucky streaks come to an end, we can’t just walk away. An example which I’m sure you could compare is me winning £1800 in a weekend from an initial £30. I lost £100 of this and tried to be ‘safe’ by upping my stakes on lower prices, just to win that back….Over the space of 4 hours I had lost it all. That feeling from being so lucky, ecstatic, had already planned what to do with the money, it had all gone in the space of a few hours. Then the hurt, anger and sadness kicks in. The sad thing is, after all the heart ache we have after putting ourselves through that, we always go back. I had a few lucky streaks where I’d won considerable amounts in the last 6 months, but they all ended in the same way.
My last bet was 34 days ago after I had lost yet again over £1000 at the click of my fingers. I came back on this forum and started looking into getting serious help. I too today have applied for Gordon Moody. I may have to lose my job to go and have already lost a relationship recently. But in hindsight, I know what is most important, and that’s my future well being. Your not alone mate. Hope we can both beat this.
Living is winning, gambling is losing
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