Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 73 total)
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  • #12071
    desdemona
    Participant

    Dear (((Debbie)))! Even though bingo or scratch tickets or lottery tickets or horse racing, etc is not our **** of choice, it can be a slippery slope. If a person were to win a sunstantial amount of money in any one of these contexts, it could trigger urges to go again and again, and that would become our **** of choice. I dislike bingo because I find it boring and stressful.  There have been ***** in my recovery that I have wanted to satiate my urge to gamble through playing free slots or going to bingo. Somehow it just doesn’t cut it for me, and just kept the addiction going. It made me want to gamble at the real slot machines. I’ve also wanted to deal with my stress through having a drink, even though I rarely drink. I do comfort eat which sucks, but it is what it is. I have always had a man in my life and have never not been in a relationship. If I were single I would take a year and live alone, with no romantic relationships, just to experience it and to get to a healthier place where I don’t need a man to depend on emotionally or financially. Everyone is different but it could be something you enjoy. I just am concerned that you may be jumping from the pot to the frying pan. When we aren’t healthy emotionally, we tend to pick the same kind of abusive relationship, we have just left, even though it appears that the person is not like the other person at all initially. We tend to recreate unhealthy relationships as we feel we don’t deserve anything better unconsciously. Trust me, I’m the ***** of unhealthy emotional relationships. Carole

    #12072
    trulyshi
    Participant

    Thanks Carole and Velvet.  I am not beating myself up about the bingo, just going to learn from it.  I have already decided that I am not going to jump back into a relationship, but I am going to date.  I am enjoying the companionship and after my last few fiascos i know exactly what I am NOT looking for.  You are right, Carole, everyone is different.  My head is much more clear than it was last October and I know I will feel even better when I have my own place, which is at the top of my priority list right now. I stayed in an abusive relationshp for a long time and continued to abuse myself as well by gambling out of control because of my insecurities and fears.  After years of this I was finally forced to face them and I have realized that I am a pretty strong person.  I am actually looking forward to living on my own and taking care of myself, I know I can do it.  There is a reason why things happens in life, even Barry, lol.  Deb 

    #12073
    neva
    Participant

    You have a great outlook Deb.  Looking forward to hear about your new place and new adventures! 

    #12074
    trulyshi
    Participant

    Going out for breakfast with Ken, then off to view an apartment.  My daughter spent alot of time yesterday searching online for available units and there is actually quite a few out there in my price range.  Babysat Sarah last night and she is getting so big and is getting such a personality, I love it.  This is the start of my weekend, back to work on Tuesday.  Have a great day everyone.  Deb

    #12075
    trulyshi
    Participant

    WOOOOOHOOOOO, found my apartment.  I move in April 1st, landlord agreed to the rent I wanted to pay as long as I sign a one year lease.  It is so nice, 20 minute walk to work for me, and the rooms are HUGE.  It is a secure building and I will be on the 2nd floor, which is exactly what I wanted.  Things are working out so well for me, quick Velvet, pinch me again so I know I am not dreaming.  Deb

    #12076
    cat438
    Participant

    OMGosh, it is awesome to see the change in you Debs.  So happy for you and that you will have your own space and that you got exactly what you wanted.  I am sure that you are going to be so focused on making it your own space and that is going to keep you busy which is great.  Also, the fact that you can walk to work you will get exercise as well.  You sound so happy it is great!!!!  BTW when is the house warming party LOLOne day at a time my sweet lord…

    #12077
    trulyshi
    Participant

    Oh Cat, I am so excited.  Already deciding what colour I want to paint the rooms.  Landlord said he would paint it all white or I could paint colours myself.  I want to paint it and make it my own.  Going to get a nice rug for the living room.  All I need to buy is a kitchen table and some lamps, I have everything else.  It is down by the river so can go for nice walks by the river.  It is the apartment that is two blocks over and down the street from Barry, but who cares.  This is all about me and what is right and good for me.  I have the first week of April booked off work for vacation so have a week to clean, paint and move in.  Will be so much fun, it is PERFECT.  You can come visit anytime, Cat.  Ooooooooh, just cannot wait to have my own space.  Debbie

    #12078
    p
    Participant

    Debbie are you ok?

    #12079
    trulyshi
    Participant

    Thanks to everyone for your concern and care.  The procedure was fine I do not remember any of it.  I have had severe stomach pain since I had it done but it has eased up since last night.  Apparently they removed two polyps and have sent them for biopsy, I will know in a few weeks if everything is alright.  My worry right now is my 24 year old son who has anger issues.  He lost his temper a few nights ago when I was watching tv and he wanted to change the channel and I told him I was watching something.  He screamed obsenities at me and it is not the first time.  When he came to apologize a few minutes later I just could not accept and told him that no one was ever going to speak to me that way again, not even him.  We have not spoken since.  I told his father who agreed to speak with him but I am worried that nothing will change.  He has had anger management classes but they do not seem to have had an impact.  My mind is racing and I am wondering if his behaviour has something to do with the fact that I left the home and the marriage when he was 15-16 years old, perhaps he felt I deserted him.  I want to suggest counselling to him but I do not believe he will listen.  He was not a planned baby, but I love him and always have.  I am so proud that he has finally found work that he likes and is committing to that and school.  Guess I am feeling some guilt here, but cannot excuse his behaviour and I am tired of accepting it.  Debbie

    #12080
    bettie
    Participant

    hey deb,
    i think much like our gambling he has to find his "bottom". if you are feeling guilt i would sit him down, tell him you are sorry if he felt neglected, then let that go. we can only make a better tomorrow. you are right not to accept behaviour-and his opinion of you is none of your business. watch out for a trigger here. guilt is a big one.
    bettie

    #12081
    p
    Participant

    Hi Debbie
    I feel for you in that situation. It is easy to quickly assume and blame yourself for this. It may have nothing to do with you why he has this outburst. There could be pressures or problems he has not told you of. Counselling would be great if he would agree to it, thats the tricky bit i guess. You are so hard on yourself. This really may not to be to do with you. But you copped the blunt of it.
    P

    #12082
    trulyshi
    Participant

    I get my apartment keys a week from tomorrow, its coming fast now.  My son apologized and I accepted but I still plan on talking to him about it and telling him how I feel.  I went to the show last night with my friend for her birthday and while we were having some dinner in the foodcourt she was being texted by her ex with some nasty stuff.  I told her that I was glad I had not heard from Barry in months and it was a relief not to have to deal with him any longer.  I no sooner got the words out of my mouth than I looked up and he was walking towards me.  I ducked my head down and mumbled something, when I looked up he had already passed by without seeing me.  I am asking myself why I even bothered to duck, why did I not just hold me head up high and ignore him.  I found myself wishing a big hole would suddenly appear and he would fall into it.  Anyways, here I was worried about running into him downtown since I will be moving about two blocks away from him and I run into him in a shopping mall which I rarely ever go to.  Go figure, lol.  I want to congratulate those here who are determined to march into March gamble free, you can do it.  Time to go to work now, Deb

    #12083
    trulyshi
    Participant

    Went shopping today and got a few more things for the apartment.  I get the keys Thursday night, cannot wait.  Sarahs christening is this coming Sunday and I am going to **** a bit for it.  So I am expecting to have a busy weekend since I want to start painting as well.  It has been almost 5 months since I left hoarding house and the landlord and I cannot believe how far I have come.  I think back sometimes and I cannot fathom how I stayed in that house and that relationship for as long as I did.  I see clearly now just how selfish and sick he really was.  My therapist tells me that I stayed because it was better the devil that I knew than the one I did not.  I was afraid to leave because I did not know where I would go, did not have much money and it would certainly have interefered with my gambling.  How sad that the addiction controlled me to that extent that I was willing to stay in a loveless relationship with someone who was being emotionally abusive.  I do realize that my gambling certainly must have affected him, but I also believe that he did not care and preferred me to go to the casino instead of being home (in fact he stated a while back in an email to his sister that he was glad when I was out gambling because he hated it when I was at home).  His main purpose for me was to enable him to be semi-retired, the money I paid him allowed him to work part time and my benefit plan and use of my car were other perks.   I was so ******* up in my addiction that I could not see the forest for the trees and he continued to take advantage.  How sad, but no longer my problem. I really believe that nothing happens to us without a reason.  I have been gamble free for close to 5 months now and never want to return to being that person who did not like herself much and was willing to settle for less than she was actually worth. My apartment is going to be painted with bright, vibrant colours and I will hang pictures of my children and Sarah on my walls.  There will be a Christmas tree and decorations this year (there was no room for them the past 4 years).  I feel free, like I am flying and soaring and no one and nothing is ever going to bring me down again, I will not allow it.  Debbie 

    #12084
    vera
    Participant

    Debbie,  I just want to wish you the best of luck but not that type CGs hope for, in your new home!
    You have made great strides since you joined GT and even greater progress since you moved away from the "B" man! Dumping him in the bin as soon as you moved in is very symbolic and you know now that you don’t need him or gambling in your life ever again.
    Your grand daughter sounds amazing. I have no grandchildren, but I follow the progress of my nieces’ and nephews’ children. One of my nieces is having a C section this month so we are all looking forward to another baby in the family, her third! No idea of the gender. A surprise!
    I have this week off too. Im looking forward to walking and catching up with a few friends. I have major sorting out and filing to do. Would you believe we haven’t put the Christmas decorations away yet!!! I’m been working on nights last week so need to get back into day **** tomorrow.
    Every time gambling enters my mind I take an imaginary pen in my hand and mentally draw a line through it.
    Keep moving forward odaat!

    #12085
    cat438
    Participant

    Hi Debbie, I have been in a bit of a slump lately, feeling sorry for myself, but I thank God that I am feeling a bit more like my normal self again.  Well as normal as any crazy person can be LOL  I am so disappointed that you did not paint your apartment RED LOL, I am just kidding.  It is so lovely to read your uplifting post and hear the joy come through in it.  You really are at a different place in your life now and it shows.  I hope that your first night in your "new home" was wonderful and I wish you much happiness in it.  How about painting one wall RED LOL  You could call it your crazy wall. One day at a time my sweet lord…

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