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    • #12056
      trulyshi
      Participant

      My granddaughter, Sarah Ann, born to my daughter just before 9am this morning, 6 lbs, 8 oz.  Mom and baby healthy and happy, short easy delivery.  She’s absolutely beautiful.  Debbie

    • #12057
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Had a tremendous urge to gamble on New Years Day.  I actually fought against turning my steering wheel towards the casino.  Ended up at a friends house unnanounced and made her make me a big pot of coffee.  Went home and cooked dinner for my family and played with Sarah for the rest of the night.  I was suprised at how that hit me right out of the blue, especially after posting about the lack of urges recently.  I am extremely proud of myself for not giving in and I am determined to remain strong.  It has been two and a half months since I last gambled.  Debbie

    • #12058
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Debbie)))! Great choice not succumbing to the big urge to gamble. Every time we make a good decision like that, it strenghtens us in our recovery. It was great that you were at the ladies meeting last night. It’s been so long since you and I have "talked." How’s Bruno doing? I hope that you can find a place where you can have him with you again. Carole

    • #12059
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Here it is, February already.  I am not a superbowl fan and almost everyone I know is going to a superbowl party today.  I have been speaking to an old friend over the past 3 weeks, I have known him since I was 15 and in high school, we used to go roller skating together and I hung out with his sister.  We have kept in touch on and off over the years.  He is just out of a relationship, he left her recently because he felt neglected and the love had ****.  We are going to go for a ride today and out for dinner.  He has shown up where I work twice this week with coffee.  Apparently he claims he has been in love with me for over 20 years but one of us has always been in some kind of a relationship so he settled for the friendship.  Again, slow and sure, I will test the waters.  I have always thought of him as a close friend and find myself now looking at him through different eyes.  I have a lead on an apartment that is affordable and about a 15 minute walk from where I work.  The only problem is that it is about a block over from Barrys house, but at the other end of the street.  I really do not want to run into him, but I do like the area and also the rent.  I think I will go and have a look at it and go from there.  Hope everyone is having a great weekend and a nice superbowl day.  Deb

    • #12060
      icandothis
      Participant

      Hi Trulyshi,  I am so glad to hear of your active social life post Barry.  You deserve to be appreciated.  From watching my girlfriend’s dating life, I am a little leary of those who profess their love quickly.  Good for you on taking things slow.  I like that you have been friends for a long time.  Listen to me.  Giving dating advice.  Something I know nothing about.  Beside that, my girlfriend’s experiences have been nothing like my own.  My husband says he fell in love with me the minute he saw me walk into one of our college classes.   We began dating, and he professed his love shortly after.  Scared me to death.  I broke up with him.  I said the usual line about still wanting to be friends.  After my rejection, he drove 4 hours from my house to his house on his motorcycle in the pouring rain.  He left me a letter saying that we could never be friends because he loved me too much. 
      I ran into him on campus a year later.  We were in the same Economics class. It bothered me that he had said we couldn’t be friends.  I set out to prove him wrong.  He set out to win me over.  He did win me over, but we did became good friends first.  A friendship that has lasted 33 years.  At the time, however, every time he began to get serious, I would say…just friends; just friends.  Finally, we went out on a date.  Two weeks later, he asked me to marry him, and I said "Yes!"  No point to this story really..just thought I’d share.
      Thought of a point..don’t underestimate a good friendship!  Have a great time tonight.  We are going to a Superbowl party.  Not a big fan of the Superbowl, but the party is a tradition.  There is always lots and lots of good food, and I enjoy the TV commercials!
       

    • #12061
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Ican, what a sweet story, thank you for sharing.  I think starting out as friends is for the best.  I had a wonderful time today.  We went for a long drive and stopped for coffee and talked.  We talked more over dinner and I found myself wondering why I had never looked at this man in this light before.  The best part is he already knew about my gambling addiction, I had told him about it and he had witnessed it many many years ago.  He told me tonight that he has no interest in going to the casino and would certainly never ask me to go there.  What I really liked was that he opened and closed the car door for me and offered me his arm when we were walking so I did not slip on the snow.  It was nice to be treated like a lady, it has been a long time.  I think it would be funny if I have been looking for my prince for so long and he was sitting right there under my nose the whole time.  Anyways, tomorrow is a busy day, watching my granddaughter for most of the day, then a session with my one on one counsellor from Problem Gambling, then grocery shopping.  I love it when my day is planned out and it is busy (keeps the urges away).  Debbie

    • #12062
      cat438
      Participant

      Hi Debs, it is wonderful to see your post.  It certainly does not seem like the same person who was living a nightmare life with Barry.  This lady seems to respect herself and seems so much more relaxed about life.  It sounds like you had a wonderful time with your "friend", but I definitely agree that you should take things slowly.  I am not an expert in this, but I know with AA there is something about not starting new relationships for a certain amount of time when you go into recovery.  I would imagine that some of that is to do with being "fragile" if something goes wrong and it sends the person back to drinking.  I think you should take time to find out who Debbie is on her own, and she definitely sounds like a person worth getting to know.  Debs, like I said I am no expert, but just don’t want you to rush into anything, although if you have known your friend since you were 15, then I don’t suppose you can call that rushing into things LOL  Wishing you a wonderful gamble free day!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #12063
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Boy did I ever get in big trouble with my counsellor today.  I went to a bingo game last week (figured bingo was NOT my addiction) and I got a lecture.  BINGO IS GAMBLING.  I have an ADDICTION and gambling is not my problem – it is just the solution to my addiction.  I need to deal with the addiction.  My head is swimming, I thought I WAS dealing with the addiction, but apparently I still have alot of work to do.  I do not even like bingo, it was just a social thing and something to do, but I will not do it again.  I know he is right and I know that I gambled, but I look upon the casino as gambling and the casino as my problem.  ARGHHHHHHHHHH, so I guess I slipped.  Anyways, had a great day other than getting chewed out but I guess I deserved it.  Will learn from it and move forward.  Debbie

    • #12064
      bettie
      Participant

      Miss Debbie,
      Do NOT And I mean NOT let the "bingo" take away from your "clean" time. Since we aren’t ***** "days" anymore you made progress not perfection. I know I have a delicate ego and a statement like that could have made me say "well I screwed up so might as well go for it!"
      I think you just did a step-" when we were wrong promptly admited it"
      bettie

    • #12065
      neva
      Participant

      I agree, don’t let Bingo ruin your recovery time.  On the other hand, Bingo is also addictive. Don’t put yourself in that situation because you might grow to like it…I didn’t much care for the slots at first.  Many alcoholics didn’t like drinking at first either. Maybe that’s why they say to avoid all types of gambling.

    • #12066
      paul315
      Participant

      Originally posted by trulyshi
      … I guess I slipped … 

      Good morning Debbie,
      I have similar thoughts about your recent adventure in life as Bettie, do not let what your counselor calls a slip take away from your living a gambling free life. Some programs try to warn us about what is considered to be gambling, and have strict perimeters as to when someone has to claim a new clean date,  but when we go into a situation unfamiliar to us, we might find ourselves on a slippery slope, but slipping is not falling; we can regain our composure and balance and continue on our path with the new knowledge and insight that we gained. If having to claim a new clean date is rules that your program follows, use a new clean date — the first introduction to slipping, and a resulting fall, is to challenge rules that have been proven to be beneficial, and oddly enough, they may be more beneficial to the program itself than perhaps to an individual. But nevertheless, taking away from the program is taking away form yourself. 
      You may have broken the rules but as for if you gambled or not, "only you can make that decision"; but it is up to you to be truthful with yourself and recognize a dangerous situation so that you stay away form it; and to go alone with the program if need be. I know for myself, I broke the rule of "not gambling for anything" and had to change my clean date, but August 13th will always be the anniversary of the day in 2009 that I entered recovery and started working at progressing toward a more normal way of thinking and living. October 17 is now my "officially" recognized clean date and one that my GA group will recognize with accolades and tokens, but to me it is more than that, it is another day in my renewed life, not a return to the past.
      These thoughts are only views on personal opinions concerning things that I feel could be left to self-governing, but I can see where others can have arguments against them and want to hold true to the doctrine of a group as a whole; they can rightfully argue against my mere views, but I can not argue against their true passion and the proof of its good. So in continuing your life of being gambling free don’t let my views influence you, but rather let them cause you to think and be honest with yourself and to be willing to do what you have to do. It is best to stick to the program that is working, it is you working and practicing these principles that have taken you this far, it is not a now "super-you" that has brought you to and keeping your at this stage of recovery and better living. "It works if your work, it don’t if you don’t".
      God’s speed, Stay strong. Keep aware, and use that awareness to help you progress along this sometimes slippery road of recovery.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

    • #12067
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Thanks Bettie, Neva and Larry.  I really did not think about it until afterwards, which is why I told my counsellor I had gone to bingo, I did realize it was gambling but I did not consider it a slip, just a stupid mistake.  Anyways, I still feel that my real clean date is October 22, 2012 and I know I am on the right track and doing well.  Went out for chinese food tonight with my buddy, Ken.  He treated and it was so nice.  He started telling me a story and I reminded him that he had told me the same story about 4 years ago.  He was shocked and said that he thought he had never told anyone that before because it was very personal.  We know alot about each other and it is a very warm and fuzzy thing.  Anyways, I am pretty tired, I used my brain alot today at work so it wore me out.  Time to turn in.  Debbie

    • #12068
      p
      Participant

      Thanks Debbie also today to you for your words. You helped me today
      P

    • #12069
      trulyshi
      Participant

      I actually have both of my bank accounts in the black for the first time in years and I am so proud of myself.  I have lived in overdraft for so long I do not remember what it is like to not be in it.  I have even started building up a small savings account to use for emergencies.  So, this is what it is like to be responsible.  I like it.  Deb

    • #12070
      velvet
      Moderator

       
      Hi Debbie
      There is nothing more attractive than a person who is in love with their life and the direction it is going in.   You are now exited by your life and I am not surprised that you have a suitor.   You are also less likely to fall into a needy, controlling or manipulative relationship because you are no longer looking outside of yourself for your peace – you have found it inside ‘you’.
      If the thought of living too close to Barry worries you, then it is not the right apartment for you.   Don’t let your thoughts of him spoil your future though because it keeps you rooted in the person you were and not the person you are now. Forget and possibly forgive him – he is yesterday’s news.
      Having said all that, please take your new relationship slowly.   Don’t lose the independence and freedom that controlling your addiction has given you.   Enjoy this friendship but look after Debbie – she is still vulnerable.  
      Although I found your counsellor a bit over the top, it is better that than pussy-footing around.   I certainly didn’t hear a slip, more of another learning curve.
      A Buddy is a special person and you deserve special things.   Two bank accounts in the black sounds wonderful and as for savings – well – just keep it going, I love reading it.  
      It was good to see you in F&F.  
      V

    • #12071
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Debbie)))! Even though bingo or scratch tickets or lottery tickets or horse racing, etc is not our **** of choice, it can be a slippery slope. If a person were to win a sunstantial amount of money in any one of these contexts, it could trigger urges to go again and again, and that would become our **** of choice. I dislike bingo because I find it boring and stressful.  There have been ***** in my recovery that I have wanted to satiate my urge to gamble through playing free slots or going to bingo. Somehow it just doesn’t cut it for me, and just kept the addiction going. It made me want to gamble at the real slot machines. I’ve also wanted to deal with my stress through having a drink, even though I rarely drink. I do comfort eat which sucks, but it is what it is. I have always had a man in my life and have never not been in a relationship. If I were single I would take a year and live alone, with no romantic relationships, just to experience it and to get to a healthier place where I don’t need a man to depend on emotionally or financially. Everyone is different but it could be something you enjoy. I just am concerned that you may be jumping from the pot to the frying pan. When we aren’t healthy emotionally, we tend to pick the same kind of abusive relationship, we have just left, even though it appears that the person is not like the other person at all initially. We tend to recreate unhealthy relationships as we feel we don’t deserve anything better unconsciously. Trust me, I’m the ***** of unhealthy emotional relationships. Carole

    • #12072
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Thanks Carole and Velvet.  I am not beating myself up about the bingo, just going to learn from it.  I have already decided that I am not going to jump back into a relationship, but I am going to date.  I am enjoying the companionship and after my last few fiascos i know exactly what I am NOT looking for.  You are right, Carole, everyone is different.  My head is much more clear than it was last October and I know I will feel even better when I have my own place, which is at the top of my priority list right now. I stayed in an abusive relationshp for a long time and continued to abuse myself as well by gambling out of control because of my insecurities and fears.  After years of this I was finally forced to face them and I have realized that I am a pretty strong person.  I am actually looking forward to living on my own and taking care of myself, I know I can do it.  There is a reason why things happens in life, even Barry, lol.  Deb 

    • #12073
      neva
      Participant

      You have a great outlook Deb.  Looking forward to hear about your new place and new adventures! 

    • #12074
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Going out for breakfast with Ken, then off to view an apartment.  My daughter spent alot of time yesterday searching online for available units and there is actually quite a few out there in my price range.  Babysat Sarah last night and she is getting so big and is getting such a personality, I love it.  This is the start of my weekend, back to work on Tuesday.  Have a great day everyone.  Deb

    • #12075
      trulyshi
      Participant

      WOOOOOHOOOOO, found my apartment.  I move in April 1st, landlord agreed to the rent I wanted to pay as long as I sign a one year lease.  It is so nice, 20 minute walk to work for me, and the rooms are HUGE.  It is a secure building and I will be on the 2nd floor, which is exactly what I wanted.  Things are working out so well for me, quick Velvet, pinch me again so I know I am not dreaming.  Deb

    • #12076
      cat438
      Participant

      OMGosh, it is awesome to see the change in you Debs.  So happy for you and that you will have your own space and that you got exactly what you wanted.  I am sure that you are going to be so focused on making it your own space and that is going to keep you busy which is great.  Also, the fact that you can walk to work you will get exercise as well.  You sound so happy it is great!!!!  BTW when is the house warming party LOLOne day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #12077
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Oh Cat, I am so excited.  Already deciding what colour I want to paint the rooms.  Landlord said he would paint it all white or I could paint colours myself.  I want to paint it and make it my own.  Going to get a nice rug for the living room.  All I need to buy is a kitchen table and some lamps, I have everything else.  It is down by the river so can go for nice walks by the river.  It is the apartment that is two blocks over and down the street from Barry, but who cares.  This is all about me and what is right and good for me.  I have the first week of April booked off work for vacation so have a week to clean, paint and move in.  Will be so much fun, it is PERFECT.  You can come visit anytime, Cat.  Ooooooooh, just cannot wait to have my own space.  Debbie

    • #12078
      p
      Participant

      Debbie are you ok?

    • #12079
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Thanks to everyone for your concern and care.  The procedure was fine I do not remember any of it.  I have had severe stomach pain since I had it done but it has eased up since last night.  Apparently they removed two polyps and have sent them for biopsy, I will know in a few weeks if everything is alright.  My worry right now is my 24 year old son who has anger issues.  He lost his temper a few nights ago when I was watching tv and he wanted to change the channel and I told him I was watching something.  He screamed obsenities at me and it is not the first time.  When he came to apologize a few minutes later I just could not accept and told him that no one was ever going to speak to me that way again, not even him.  We have not spoken since.  I told his father who agreed to speak with him but I am worried that nothing will change.  He has had anger management classes but they do not seem to have had an impact.  My mind is racing and I am wondering if his behaviour has something to do with the fact that I left the home and the marriage when he was 15-16 years old, perhaps he felt I deserted him.  I want to suggest counselling to him but I do not believe he will listen.  He was not a planned baby, but I love him and always have.  I am so proud that he has finally found work that he likes and is committing to that and school.  Guess I am feeling some guilt here, but cannot excuse his behaviour and I am tired of accepting it.  Debbie

    • #12080
      bettie
      Participant

      hey deb,
      i think much like our gambling he has to find his "bottom". if you are feeling guilt i would sit him down, tell him you are sorry if he felt neglected, then let that go. we can only make a better tomorrow. you are right not to accept behaviour-and his opinion of you is none of your business. watch out for a trigger here. guilt is a big one.
      bettie

    • #12081
      p
      Participant

      Hi Debbie
      I feel for you in that situation. It is easy to quickly assume and blame yourself for this. It may have nothing to do with you why he has this outburst. There could be pressures or problems he has not told you of. Counselling would be great if he would agree to it, thats the tricky bit i guess. You are so hard on yourself. This really may not to be to do with you. But you copped the blunt of it.
      P

    • #12082
      trulyshi
      Participant

      I get my apartment keys a week from tomorrow, its coming fast now.  My son apologized and I accepted but I still plan on talking to him about it and telling him how I feel.  I went to the show last night with my friend for her birthday and while we were having some dinner in the foodcourt she was being texted by her ex with some nasty stuff.  I told her that I was glad I had not heard from Barry in months and it was a relief not to have to deal with him any longer.  I no sooner got the words out of my mouth than I looked up and he was walking towards me.  I ducked my head down and mumbled something, when I looked up he had already passed by without seeing me.  I am asking myself why I even bothered to duck, why did I not just hold me head up high and ignore him.  I found myself wishing a big hole would suddenly appear and he would fall into it.  Anyways, here I was worried about running into him downtown since I will be moving about two blocks away from him and I run into him in a shopping mall which I rarely ever go to.  Go figure, lol.  I want to congratulate those here who are determined to march into March gamble free, you can do it.  Time to go to work now, Deb

    • #12083
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Went shopping today and got a few more things for the apartment.  I get the keys Thursday night, cannot wait.  Sarahs christening is this coming Sunday and I am going to **** a bit for it.  So I am expecting to have a busy weekend since I want to start painting as well.  It has been almost 5 months since I left hoarding house and the landlord and I cannot believe how far I have come.  I think back sometimes and I cannot fathom how I stayed in that house and that relationship for as long as I did.  I see clearly now just how selfish and sick he really was.  My therapist tells me that I stayed because it was better the devil that I knew than the one I did not.  I was afraid to leave because I did not know where I would go, did not have much money and it would certainly have interefered with my gambling.  How sad that the addiction controlled me to that extent that I was willing to stay in a loveless relationship with someone who was being emotionally abusive.  I do realize that my gambling certainly must have affected him, but I also believe that he did not care and preferred me to go to the casino instead of being home (in fact he stated a while back in an email to his sister that he was glad when I was out gambling because he hated it when I was at home).  His main purpose for me was to enable him to be semi-retired, the money I paid him allowed him to work part time and my benefit plan and use of my car were other perks.   I was so ******* up in my addiction that I could not see the forest for the trees and he continued to take advantage.  How sad, but no longer my problem. I really believe that nothing happens to us without a reason.  I have been gamble free for close to 5 months now and never want to return to being that person who did not like herself much and was willing to settle for less than she was actually worth. My apartment is going to be painted with bright, vibrant colours and I will hang pictures of my children and Sarah on my walls.  There will be a Christmas tree and decorations this year (there was no room for them the past 4 years).  I feel free, like I am flying and soaring and no one and nothing is ever going to bring me down again, I will not allow it.  Debbie 

    • #12084
      vera
      Participant

      Debbie,  I just want to wish you the best of luck but not that type CGs hope for, in your new home!
      You have made great strides since you joined GT and even greater progress since you moved away from the "B" man! Dumping him in the bin as soon as you moved in is very symbolic and you know now that you don’t need him or gambling in your life ever again.
      Your grand daughter sounds amazing. I have no grandchildren, but I follow the progress of my nieces’ and nephews’ children. One of my nieces is having a C section this month so we are all looking forward to another baby in the family, her third! No idea of the gender. A surprise!
      I have this week off too. Im looking forward to walking and catching up with a few friends. I have major sorting out and filing to do. Would you believe we haven’t put the Christmas decorations away yet!!! I’m been working on nights last week so need to get back into day **** tomorrow.
      Every time gambling enters my mind I take an imaginary pen in my hand and mentally draw a line through it.
      Keep moving forward odaat!

    • #12085
      cat438
      Participant

      Hi Debbie, I have been in a bit of a slump lately, feeling sorry for myself, but I thank God that I am feeling a bit more like my normal self again.  Well as normal as any crazy person can be LOL  I am so disappointed that you did not paint your apartment RED LOL, I am just kidding.  It is so lovely to read your uplifting post and hear the joy come through in it.  You really are at a different place in your life now and it shows.  I hope that your first night in your "new home" was wonderful and I wish you much happiness in it.  How about painting one wall RED LOL  You could call it your crazy wall. One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #12086
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Cat, Vera and P, thank you for your posts.  I slept in my apartment for the first time last night and I slept like a log.  There is clutter galore still, but it is MY clutter and I will slowly sift through it and put things in their place.  A good friend helped me unpack a bit and I still have to call her and ask where she put things.  I honestly cannot believe how uplifting everything feels.  I love my apartment, I love my family, I love my friends, I love my independance and above all I love not being held hostage to gambling.  For over 15 years it was all I thought about, all I knew.  Recognizing that I needed help, entering recovery and remaining there has probably been the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  It has also been the most rewarding.  I am 100% sure that I would have left Barry before the end of last year but I am glad that things turned out the way they did because now I am living and this life is wonderful.  Staying in that situation was way too enabling and even though I entered recovery last April I know that as much as I wanted to stop gambling he wanted me to continue, which I will probably never understand but really no longer care to figure out.  I feel very strong right now and as if I could conquer the world.  I am at my ex husbands house right now doing a few last loads of laundry and using his computer (what a terrific man he is).  This afternoon I have my one on one counselling session at Problem Gambling Services and I fully intend to continue those sessions for as long as they let me.  My self exclusion ban is still in place and I will not be removing it, thank goodness for that ban it has saved me from more than one urge.  Urges are so few and far between now and I have learned how to put them from my mind when they do pop up.  Its time to go finish the laundry and make sure I have packed up everything from here and not left anything behind.  Cat, I truly love you but red paint is just not going to happen, it would clash with my purple bathroom.  Debbie

    • #12087
      bettie
      Participant

      Hey Kiddo,
      Sorry I missed you. The meeting was good. Don’t get lost in the boxes!
      bettie

    • #12088
      cat438
      Participant

      Debbie, okay, is the purple a nice strong purple, not a light one.  If so I will stop bugging you about red paint LOL  Our house is painted all neutral safe colours (boring).  I got a dark colour for one of the walls in the living room, one of the sampler size.  Hubby painted it and said there was no way he was painting the wall that colour.  It was a really really dark blue.  He said it was black.  Anyway, he painted the sampler right in the middle of the the wall and it was there for ages.  Everyone who came in asked about it, and he proceeded to tell them that I wanted to paint the wall that colour.  It is now back to safe neutral. I am now using accents of cushions, ornaments to add some colour to the house.  I did not admit to him ever that it was too dark, but he was right LOL  It was actually a designer that suggested the colour to me to help tie everything together.  I think I like nice bright cheery colours.  Have a great gamble free day!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #12089
      icandothis
      Participant

      Hi Trulyshi,  Your colors sound great.  I have been stripping wallpaper, and we have painted the kids’ rooms.  Both the same color, which is the same color as our room.  (also, boring)  I don’t even like the color, but we had leftover paint, and we are on a budget.  Also, not thrilled with the bedspreads, but they were also bought on a budget.  I think I have to stop that and start buying things I like instead of buying them cheap.  Although, I have to admit, I get a thrill out of finding bargains.  I like the one bedspread.  My sister-in-law doesn’t like it, so now I have my doubts.  Something else I need to work on.  The bathroom is next.  Half-stripped and still a mess.  The paper was so hard to remove.  I took off the plaster along with it.  Enough about my decorating woes.   No matter what, it keeps me busy and change is good. 
      I used to live not too far across the river from your town.  Before your casino, when we were very young my husband and I would take weekend trips to your town. A nice weekend get away.   Good entertainment, good food, shopping…a room with a view of the river.  Our city didn’t look too bad from across the river and at night!   Also, safer to enjoy it from a far! lol  I don’t think we could enjoy the trip now a days.  All I would see and think about is the casino.  What a shame! 

    • #12090
      velvet
      Moderator

      Welcome to your new Home Debbie
      Velvet

    • #12091
      neva
      Participant

      Your new colors sound amazing.  A clean slate for a new life.  Enjoy!

    • #12092
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Hey everyone, I’m still alive, lol.  Still do not have internet connection, will probably be another week.  Babysitting tonight so using my daughter’s computer.  Everything is good, just about done with the move only a few more boxes to unpack, the novelty wore off so there they sit, lol.  Hope everyone is well and I will sit and do a big post when I get my computer up and running.  Deb

    • #12093
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Babysitting Sarah for a bit then off to my counselling.  Such a quiet weekend compared to having Bettie here and being busy, busy, busy.  Loving my apartment, independance is a great thing.  Deb

    • #12094
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Debbie)))! It’s great to hear that everything is going so well for you. Having spent time with Bettie  myself, I know that she kept you laughing with her stories. How’s Bruno?? I don’t have email right now, but when I do, you need to send me your address, as I want to have a blender delivered to your apartment as a house warming gift. Summer is a perfect time to blend iced drinks. Take care and Happy Mother’s Day to you. Carole

    • #12095
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Debbie)))! I see you haven’t posted since June 24th, and I was wondering how you were. I’m sure you and Bettie had a wonderful fun time together, when she visited. I know the feeling of relief I get when I spend time in my rental with my own furniture there. I can imagine that you feel the same. especially coming out of a hoarder’s house. I still have pictures to hang, curtains to replace, and cupboards to wash, TV stand to put together, etc. before I’m really settled in. I’m back and forth as I am still looking after the renters house when Danny is away working. We have agreed to a financial settlement and Danny’s friend is going to buy me out of the property, and they are going to expand the accommodation business. I know that my gambling addiction is deeply rooted in the abusive marriage I am leaving. I escaped abusive behavior at the machines. I would have thought that I would have a lot of strong gambling urges leaving my marriage, but honestly it’s been fleeting thoughts and mild urges at *****. Now that I am going to be financially responsible for myself, I can’t spend money like I used to. How’s you and your new love interest?? For me a man is the furthest thing from my mind. I just want to breathe and spend time with my grandkids and female friends. I have never lived alone in my adult life so that is something I want to experience. Hope you are doing well in your recovery. Carole

    • #12096
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Just want to put my thoughts down here while they are still fresh.  I had a rough start on Monday, was the last day of my vacation and gambling urges were sooooooo strong.  It really surprised me since I haven’t really had the desire to gamble in quite awhile.  I logged onto the Live Advice Helpline and Harry helped me muddle through my thought process and while I am disappointed in myself for having the urges, I am proud of myself for not acting on them.
      I have kept in touch with my ex’s sister since our breakup last October.  Whenever she mentions him and his girlfriend I am filled with rage and hatred and wish that he would suffer just as he made me suffer.  I realize that even though I have told her I don’t ever want to hear anything about him again, I want to hear something BAD.  He has **** about many things since the breakup and said some nasty things about me and it has finally triggered strong gambling urges.  I feel much better after talking things out with Harry and I realize that I need to completely let it go (I thought I had).  I most certainly have no warm and fuzzy feelings, but I need to let go of the animosity. 
      I think I still dislike myself for having stayed in a terrible environment for as long as I did, one with no love, warmth, attention or support.  My insecurities and low self esteem kept me in an abusive home with an extremely selfish person but I am in a "good" place right now and cannot allow those memories to take me backwards.
      Thank you Harry for being in the right place at the right time.  Debbie

    • #12097
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Debbie)))! Way to go on not giving in to the strong gambling urges. The staff at GT are awesome people, and have helped me out more ***** than I can *****. I can understand you being upset hearing about the ***s your ex is telling about you. You have to remember that his whole life is based on ***s in the persona he presents to others. It is a reflection of him, not you, that he has to *** to be acceptable to another woman. I am wondering why you are still in contact with his sister who seems to derive some perverse satisfaction in telling you things that really upset you. Some people are not good to continue having in our lives and the sister may be one of them. As much as you think that her loyalty is with you, I am guessing that some of what you talk to her about gets back to your ex. Your ex did you wrong for too many years, and you kept yourself in that dysfunctional relationship, just like I did, out of fear of the unknown, and maybe that’s what you’re rageful about. Remember KARMA, and the universe will take care of the ex. It just doesn’t seem fast enough some*****!! Carole    

    • #12098
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Debbie
      I suspect that the annoyance you feel for yourself staying in the wrong environment, for as long as you did, comes out in anger at him and wanting bad things to happen to him.
      When someone is so sad Debbie that they hurt something precious,  then wishing them bad things is remembering them, which means, in my book, that you are allowing them in to your life to carry on hurting you.
      If I allowed the addiction in my CG’s life to continue causing me anger and bitterness then I would be remembering it but it is a closed chapter – I am much further on.   I have learned from it and I will use the experience to make me a better person – hence writing on here and caring about you.  
      The experience you had, which I know was bad, was part of ‘your’ life, ‘your’ experience and how you handle it now is all that matters.   If we take bad experiences and turn them into something good then nothing is wasted and we can improve out lives.    
      Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.   Either stop this communication or look at what you have got now and how far you have come and be proud of who you are now.   This woman should not be mentioning her brother to you – ask yourself why is she doing this?   If she is doing it to upset you then she is succeeding – you have handled bigger things than this Debbie – you have controlled your addiction.  You have strength, you have power.   This is not worth your concern.
      V   
       

    • #12099
      vera
      Participant

      Sorry to hear you are being haunted by your past right now, Debbie. I would consider that to be a normal part of healing. The scars remain even after the wound closes. Ideally, we can say nobody has the power to hurt us unless we give them that power but sometimes , in weak and vulnerable moments, we do find our defences weakened and the "enemy" takes the upper hand. Just give it time, Debbie. That sister of your ex is either goading you or passing on messages from her brother to hurt you. I woould suggest you call her bluff and ask her why she tells you all this rot. Tell her you don’t want to hear it….(or do you?)
      Whatever, gambling is not the cure.
      Don’t be angry for having urges. Maybe you are still punishing youself deep down for staying with that guy and remembering the coping macanism you used then…
      You don’t need that crutch now Debbie.
      You are safe.
      You are free!
      You are healing, odaat!

    • #12100
      bettie
      Participant

      Hi Debbie,
      Sometimes life is like a country song.
      "Well have you left the one you left me for? Did she hear like me that slamming door? Did you leave for good or just get bored? Well have you left the one you left me for."
      Or maybe she did the leaving…..
      What comes around goes around.
      Smile!
      bettie
       

    • #12101
      desdemona
      Participant

      (((Deb))) Sounds like Barry isn’t sitting so pretty anymore……………Carole

    • #12102
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Oh Bettie and Carole!!!!!  Apparently the rich young thing that Barry dumped me for on my birthday has dumped him a few days ago……..  A WEEK BEFORE HIS BIRTHDAY.  Neighbours spotted him frantically trying to stop her from leaving, waving his arms and trying to stop her car.  LMAO, karma really does exist.  I think he saw her money disappearing with her and he just lost it.  I’ve also been told he’s back on the dating website, hunting down his next victim.  Doesn’t sound like a broken heart to me, lol.  Anyways, that inner petty devil inside of me is laughing like crazy.  I have the last laugh anyways – a great job, a terrific boyfriend, happy, healthy and loving family and…..  I’m not gambling.  Looks like I came out the winner here.  Living well is truly the best revenge.  Luv to all, Deb

    • #12103
      bettie
      Participant

      Saw this on FB and thought of you today!

    • #12104
      cat438
      Participant

      Debbie, so happy that you have moved on to a new life, and you should thank the girlfriend that just dumped him as she helped get you out of his clutches!!!!  WTG you have come a long way girl!!!!  Enjoy life you deserve it.  Have a wonderful day living a normal life.One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #12105
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Thanks Kathryn, I had a wonderful long weekend.  I have another week off in October and I think I will plan a trip to see Bettie since she has been to see me 3 ***** and I have not gone there yet.  I hate driving on highways and freeways, I become panicked and nervous.  It’s amazing that I actually have enough money to consider taking a train or plane in order to go and visit Bettie.  Sarah’s first birthday is rapidly approaching and I am going to the mall tonight to shop for that special first birthday gift.  Looking back over this past year and reflecting over all the changes that have come into my life I can hardly believe that I am in such a different situation and mind frame now.  I can recognize triggers that used to send me down to the casino and spiral out of control.  No life is ever conflict free and I’m not running away from conflict anymore, I am learning to cope with it.  I think that the debt incurred by my past coping mechanisms was probably the worst, which no longer seems insurmountable.  I deal with it one day at a time, paying off important bills and keeping up with the others.  Money is starting to have value again and is no longer just "ammunition" to feed my addiction.  I used to think, "just four more years and I’ll be out of debt" then I would consolidate my debts and start all over.  I refuse to live for the future, and have stopped thinking that way.  Every day is a new one and it is important to live in the here and now.  Recovery does not mean that I will suddenly "find" all the money I had lost, or suddenly start to see a lot of money in my bank account.  Recovery means that slowly, over time, I can get back on my feet and see my own worth.  It has taken close to a year to be able to plan and afford a trip to see a wonderful friend and that is something that even a year ago I would not have been able to do, or even fathom doing.  Today I am happy and at peace.  Today I will not gamble, but live life to the fullest.  Debbie

    • #12106
      vera
      Participant

      Well said, Debbie!
      Gambling deprives us of so many things…
      We cannot turn back the clock, but we can rewind it!
      Sounds like your new life has been worth all the effort. One day at a time! I am so happy for you!

    • #12107
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi!  Your new life is awesome.  Be proud of yourself for leaving (which must of been very hard) and starting a new life.  You sound very different now, full of positive energy!  Life is too short!  Take care and have a great day!!Seize all the good things in life

    • #12108
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Debbie)))! You should go visit Bettie and see how beautiful the city is and its architecture. Nice time of year to go on one of those tour cruises as well. I loved the stained glass collection they had at the Pier. I’ve applied for a couple of jobs and I need to hang around town in case I get called for an interview. I’ve had time to adjust to moving to the city, but now suddenly things seem to be moving too fast for me, as I am at the stage of applying for jobs, and the last piece of the puzzle is securing employment. I haven’t worked outside my home for over a decade so this is stressful for me. Glad you’re happy in your life. Carole 

    • #12109
      p
      Participant

      Hi Debbie
      Thank you for your post on my thread. I see your life has changed so much for the better, i really do appreciate your encouragement and support. It is a very bad time for me but as they say, this too will pass, im waiting.
      P

    • #12110
      desdemona
      Participant

      (((Debbie))) Nice to see that you’re happy with where your life is now. You were right that things have settled down since I moved permanently to the city. I have no desire to return to the life I was living with Danny. I also have zero desire to meet "anybody" else, but we’re all different. When I first left Danny I was feeling really cynical about marriage and relationships. That is slowly changing. I refuse to have unhealthy people in my life anymore, unless they are working some kind of recovery program and are trying to change. You’ve done really well with working your gambling recovery program, and I’m sure that getting rid of the source of a lot of your stress has helped (read Barry). Carole

    • #12111
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Trying hard to like this new site but it is so confusing. I know that change can be good but I just have to say that I miss the old format, it was so user friendly.

    • #12112
      adele
      Participant

      Hi Debbie,

      Are you maybe having trouble posting on the new site?

      I’m running around sharing a way that I figured out for getting my comments to post at the end of the thread instead of landing somewhere in the middle.

      Here it is if you’re interested:

      Don’t use the “Add new comment” box for typing your comments.

      Instead, click on the dark purple “reply” button (next to the “Complain about a message” button) just under the last comment posted on the thread.

      When you click on the “reply” button, a new window pops up where you can type in your comment. Then when you hit “Save”, your comment will post at the tail end of the thread like it’s supposed to!

      I hope this helps and you start posting again soon.

      This new site has some really cool features I think we’re all going to like once the GT team gets all the kinks worked out!

      Adele

    • #12113
      adele
      Participant

      Hi Truly,
      I did a search on your name and found your thread (for Tara – and me to read later) but it appears some posts are missing … 🙁
      Adele

    • #12114
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Yeah, I just noticed that too Adele. On Oct. 24, 2013, my birthday, I was tossed out of my “home” for a younger woman with more money. I was used by my common-law partner for 3 years to pay his mortgage, buy his groceries, cook, clean and provide him with my company benefits. I was so engrossed in my addiction that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Even so, I was devastated when he ended the relationship and sunk into a deep depression and had to go live with my ex-husband for 6 months because I had nowhere else to go. I’m really not complaining about that, I will be eternally grateful to my ex for giving me a soft place to land and time to heal. I banned myself from the casino the day after my birthday because I knew I would gamble excessively due to the depression. The banning was the final step that I had been terrified to make. It was this step that finally allowed me the time to have some clarity and take a really good look at myself and my life. I gambled for close to 15 years and it’s going to take me the next 4-5 years to pay back my debts. I will have to postpone retirement for awhile in order to save up for it. That part doesn’t really bother me, what bothers me is the situation I was in with my common-law partner (Barry) and my inability to see the abuse and my inability to deal with it due to my addiction. That is really what keeps me from giving in to urges and keeps me in recovery, I NEVER want to be in that position again, it’s demeaning and I had no self esteem or self-worth whatsoever. Too bad there are pieces of this journal missing, but what’s important is that I’m still here, and I am happy to fill you in on those missing pieces personally. Ask anything and I’ll be glad to answer and fill in the blanks. Debbie

    • #12115
      cat438
      Participant

      Debs I don’t know why, but when I am feeling blah now I keep thinking about your comment about turning up the music. I know that I would do that in the car sometimes I would just have the music blaring and it does help the mood. I just have to stop thinking that I am old. I am also becoming more aware of emotions, as tonight I had a meeting at work and I was just upset about some stuff, and I noticed that after I got home I just kept eating!!! I now have to find a way to deal with things, but not by eating!!!! I also was thinking all the time I was eating, this is not good, you are hurting yourself more than anyone else…. Unfortunately, it did not stop me. I would probably have gone gambling before, but I need to do something like get on the treadmill or the exercise bike, or pick up the knitting. I am at least thinking about how to handle it in the future, now that is positive!!!!
      You really have come a long way girl!!!! It is awesome to read your posts and see how far you have come and how your self respect has grown!!!!

    • #12116
      icandothis
      Participant

      Hi Trulyshi, Just wanted to give a belated thanks for posting on my thread. Sirena said something about being in the How-a-CG-Got-Her-Groove-Back Program. I really liked that. Kind of lightens up the work of recovery. Also, it made me think of you. If there was a How-a-CG-Got-Her-Groove-Back Award, you would be this year’s recipient! And, you definitely would have my vote!

      It’s been a little heavy around here with my daughter’s broken heart and all. But, I have taken your suggestion and have been listening to music while I cook. Tonight, we have company coming for dinner, so I am going to crank it up!

    • #12117
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Debbie)))! I can so relate to staying in an abusive relationship while in the throes of being a compulsive gambler. It’s only when we get into recovery that we start seeing the trees and not the forest. As hurtful as it was that Barry made the decision to not allow you to continue living in his residence, it was the best thing for you, as it mobilized you to move forward in your life. Now you are present in life, with its ups and downs, and you have the coping skills to handle life’s adversities. I have never regretted my decision to move to the city and live alone. It’s taken some getting used to many things, and getting back in the workforce at age 58 is daunting, but I’m doing it. Those of us in recovery are doing things we never thought possible, one day at a time! Carole

    • #12118
      p
      Participant

      Just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing. Im on a little posting frenzy, like saying hi to everyone, thinking of everyone at GT just now and wishing everyone the best. Good thoughts coming your way

      P

    • #12119
      cat438
      Participant

      Hey Debs, just dropping by to say hi and see how you are doing. I trust now that you are living your new life and enjoying yourself that you are really busy. I am so glad to know that. It is awesome to see how far you have come and I am so proud of you. You really are doing great and keep on going on the new track of life you have carved for yourself!!!

    • #12120
      desdemona
      Participant

      I see you haven`t posted for a good bit (((Debbie))). You must be busy with your granddaughter and with your beau! Hope life is treating you well. Carole

    • #12121
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Debbie)))! Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a very happy new year full of blessings!!! Thank you for all the support you’ve given me on my recovery journey!!! Carole

    • #12122
      p
      Participant

      Hi Debbie

      I see you haven’t posted for a while and i know you are busy living life but i just wanted to say hello to you from across the seas here and hope things are going well in your world today

      P

    • #12123
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Debbie)))! I was wondering how you were doing. I know that you are out there living your life. I am looking forward to finding a job to go to so that I have structure in my life and a purpose. I like the socialization aspect of working as well. Hopefully we can meet in the not too distant future. Carole

    • #12124
      p
      Participant

      I hope that things are going well for you these days, its so good to see that you and Bettie catch up all the time.. just wanted to wish you well in your day and coming week and would love to know how things are

      P

    • #12125
      desdemona
      Participant

      (((Debbie))) It would be so nice if you shared some of your life with us at GT here, as I for one am always wondering what and how you’re doing. You’re missed here! Carole

    • #12126
      trulyshi
      Participant

      Hi everyone. I am very guilty of not posting for a very very long time. Life has gotten in the way, but in a very good way. I moved in with Bill back in July and am very happy. I spend a lot of time with my granddaughter, Sarah, and my daughter informed me last week that I have a new grandchild on the way. I have slipped and fallen a few times over the past year with gambling but for the most part I consider myself still in recovery, my focus is the same – to abstain from gambling and stay on track. Work is going well, I am being transferred to a new branch next week which is essentially a lateral move, but could also be considered a promotion since it involves more duties and a chance to prove myself for a management position. It is also closer to home and further away from the casino, which is a definite bonus. Hope you all are well and I am going to spend some time catching up reading posts. Love you all, Debbie

    • #12127
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Debbie
      I am so very pleased to hear you are happy with Bill, your daughter, your granddaughter and your work – life sounds really good and you deserve it to be so but it could all fall away if you keep testing your addiction – you are a CG and the risk is too great. I am glad the work move is taking you further from the casino but surely it would be better to self-ban.
      I always want to read when I see your posts that everything is going great – please take care of yourself – I have missed you.
      Velvet

    • #12128
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi Debbie, It is great to hear that your life is going well. Congrads on the new grandchild!!! Take care.

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