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    • #8233

      I went out gambling again tonight
      I know deep down that it’s not right
      But there was a need inside of me to go
      Why I went there – I don’t really know?
      I gambled away most of my money
      And I felt very annoyed and sorry
      But still I had to chase the money I’d lost
      I had to get the money back at any cost
      So I went to the bank and withdrew money that wasn’t mine
      Knowing the withdrawal would get me a very large fine
      I had to chase the money back that I’d put in the machine
      I felt so frustrated about it that I felt I could scream
      But instead of winning I lost money, more and more
      I went into a panic and what I was going to do I wasn’t sure
      I actually felt totally and utterly upset
      I was anxious that more money was something that I needed to get
      I tried again to get more money from the bank
      But I couldn’t and into depression I sank
      I managed though to borrow money off a fellow gambler
      At the time I was so grateful to her
      I told her that I would give her the money back when I had won
      But within minutes her money had also gone
      By rights the bloody machine should pay out soon
      I suddenly became conscious that I was being watched in the room
      Their eyes had watched me loose money in the machine
      Well to me that is how it really did seem
      I felt that I wasn’t really prepared to walk away
      Because the blasted machine was due to pay
      I wandered whether to leave the gambling place then and there
      I felt what had happened to me was totally not fair
      I felt that the other gamblers were a scaverging lot
      They’ll jump on the machine and my money they’ll have got
      I had to leave because I hadn’t got a single penny in my purse
      It was then that I felt that my gambling had got a lot worse
      I wasn’t sure what the hell I should do
      This was a feeling that I didn’t want to go through
      In the gambling place I could no longer remain
      I said to myself ‘you stupid bitch – you’re totally insane’
      I wanted my gambling addiction to go away for good
      But have I got the confidence – I know I should
      I ripped up my membership card as I walked out the door
      I felt that that would help me to stop gambling for sure
      I felt that I wanted the gambling to go over time
      And that it would no longer be an addiction that was mine
      I hoped that my gambling addiction would cause me less concern
      And that from today’s gambling disaster I would like to learn
      Maybe I needed to attend a gambler’s anonymous meeting
      As their help is something that I should be truly seeking
      I wished that my addiction would just go away
      But I have to take each day as a ‘new gambling free day’
      I know that I have to take each day one by one
      Until the stupid gambling addiction had gone!!
      (Michelle    –    written April 2004)

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