Hello to everyone and first of all, thanks to all the people who post on this wonderful site.
I had a question that I haven’t been able to answer and I was wondering if someone here could give me a steer please. First some background. Long term gambling problem since a kid. Didn’t realise it was a problem until about 8 years ago. Just couldn’t stop despite wanting to. A loving and supportive wife. Two young kids. A good job. Massive amount of cash wasted and huge debts. All came out in the middle of 2010. 7 months in recovery and feeling good, despite the odd tough day. The pain/anger/shame is still with me, often strong. Doing 1 GA meet a week and a fair bit of online ‘work’. I have this debate in my mind about how long I need to maintain the high level of recovery effort (online mostly) and whether I am addicted to the recovery as much as I was the gambling. A part of me says that the ‘secret’ coming out of the open and the promises that I have made to myself, my wife and kids mean that I will never gamble again. I feel strong in recovery, despite the odd urge to gamble (sometimes medium to strong urges). I am scared to change anything that has worked for the past 7 months because I do not want to be one of those people that are in and out of GA for years, nor do I want to go back to the ‘dark days’.
I keep asking myself where is my recovery going ? Do I step down the effort a little ? On a good day I say no, I’m happy to leave as is. On a bad day I think that this is the kind of thoughts that urges breed from… but I want to move on … then this same cycle repeated and it melts my head.
Can someone give me their opinion… am I trying to project into the future too much ? Should I step back a little ? Should I try to test my resolve ? Many thanks for reading this post. Brian