[ready2change]

I had a slip 2 weeks ago but i am more determined than ever im not feeling sorry for myself and not beating myself up its done now and i have to look forward a day at a time and that is what i am going to do.
I am 35 and im from ireland and i will post again later im in a rush at the moment.
Take care

[Anonymous]

Come on pal, I believe in you. Get up from this pit. Your bigger than this addiction

[i won a new life]

Hey mate, the hardest part for me has been accepting that I can’t gambel anymore, I’m done anytime I think about casino’s it’s gonna be me telling them to go **** themselves. You get an urge, stop and think. my name is "I Won" I am a compusive gambler. I made my last bet Feb. 1. 2 days free, let someone else test the water’s next time.– 2/3/2013 7:21:05 PM: post edited by I won a new life.

[Anonymous]

Come on R2C
get a grip. I thought we could fight this together. You slipped. Accept it, the monies gone. As they say in NY…..furgeddaboutit………Move on. Its a new day. Start now. 1 year from now, l;ets see the difference. I’m ready and will be watching out for you my Irish buddie

[ready2change]

Thank u 4 the posts uncntrolled and I won a new life.
I havnt gambled since thursday but im really struggling lots of thoughts of gambling and im really depressed.
Im not suicidal i dont think im kinda past that emotion i was suicedal after every slip for a few years but i dont be suicedal anymore after a slip i once wrote out an 8 page suicide note and drove a few hours 2 my favourite place in the world Bundoran with the aim to jump of a cliff and die at my favourite gambling town and then i couldnt do it to my mother so i drove home again and threw the suicide note in a bin on the way home thats what gambling has done to me and there are other horrible stories.
Im scared i have to tell my female friend that i cant be with her and shes better of without me i cant be with her im a lost cause atm and i need to be on my own i will not take her down blind alleys i couldnt do it to her i care about so much and im dreading the phone call.
Why is valentines day next thursday but thats life.
Iv already lost a 4 year relationship with this disease and i cant start a relationship 4 days free from a bet it would be madnessand an insult to my really good friend.
I might be an addict but i dont play games with people im not a bad person im just a sick person .
Im that sick that this is the second winter iv went without any heat on but yet i gamble a couple of thousand in a day.
You could hang beef at my house a friend once told me.
I dont invite people around in winter.
Im crying inside i want to kinda give up and stop this living nightmare but im to stubborn i have to keep going whilst my parents are still alive anyway God love them they think im doing well they dont need to know theyr in their seventies and ilove them very much but unfortunately i loved gambling very much too.
Playing fruit machines in bundoran since i was 7 year old went there every summer.
Why was a 7 year old allowed 2 play fruit machine and other gambling games my mind wasnt developed enough to deal with it and my grandad was a cg and got a job in a bookies when i went to uni i lasted a year at uni wonder why.
Yep im feeling sorry 4 myself i just have tried so hard to beat this ******* dis ease over the years and im just ****** off with life.
But il hopfuly bounce back i usually do i just thought id be honest and share how im feeling
Its not easy!
Time 4 the serenity prayer

[i won a new life]

I’m glad yor back ready2change. I had a bad slip last week also, It was a costly slip, but im now even more determined to do what I came to this site for. I’m actually excited about it, changing habits and urges will come in time. give yourself the time. I’m thinking of this as a guaranteed payout, freedome. I was low and you posted on my thread. It meant a lot to me that u cared. If it means putting up more barriors-do it. If u have someone you can trust to hold your money- let them. You’ll be thankfull when u need it. wishing u the best mate, 1 day at at a time.

[Anonymous]

Hi Mate
Good to hear from you. I hoped you would come back. I can feel a strength in you, in your writing. You have been extremely brave just in making it back here. Its something you couldnt have done years ago. You will still have your dark days at this time, it’s a case of riding the storm – keep telling yourself my friend that although that day is hard, you are working towards making yourself better – the longer you abstain, the easier you are making things on yourself.
This will be small comfort now, but if you can get over the immediate crisis you’ll be surprised how the finances start to level off after a time. That’s not to say there aren’t consequences to our actions, but they become more manageable when the money leak stops.

Keep posting when you need to and keep working hard – 5 days is great work and you can build on this. Stay focused my friend & post here as much or as little as you need to.

I very much hope you can be here in 5 years time too, this Forum ***** intelligent, sincere people like your
good self.
I know you will have no money, but next time you get any, put the bloody heating on and buy a lovely warm soup and some thick bread and just savour it. Watch an old movie on the TV and I guarantee it will make you feel better if only for a few hours. Live in the present ONLY for now and forget all the ****** mistakes we’ve both made.
You’ll never walk alone !

 

[ready2change]

Cheers 4 the support lads
Lost a bit of motivation last weeks slip knocked the heart out of me i just didnt see it coming.
But thats the past im going to get my head down and get back up on the horse adaat.
Talks cheap so il leave it at that 4 now
God bless

[Anonymous]

Hi R2C: Sorry you’re having a hard time … you’re not alone. There are a legion of us struggling along with you. This is Day 3 of many, many Day 3’s recently, and I feel very tired too sometimes. When I was reading your posts this quote came to mind — it’s something that helps to give me a kick start and some hope sometimes: “Don’t be a prisoner of your past, be the architect of your future.” This is from my favorite book of all time called The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari by Robin Sharma. We are blessed with a new chance every day. I second Uncontrolled’s suggestion — practise self care. Make getting the heat back on your number one priority. You are worth a warm home, some comforting food and the joy of a little peace of mind. Stay connected. Read, read, read through the urges. Be good to yourself. RG

[vera]

"I didn’t see the slip coming!"
You wrote that twice R2C!
Others have said the same thing…."I didn’t see it coming!"………….
I have to challenge you to really think about that statement  R2C! I used to fool myself into be***ving I just blinked my eyes and "found myself"sitting behind a slot machine with five hundred euro missing from my purse.
That was never the reality of what happened.
Every time I gamble(d), my episode began with a thought. Just one thought ! "Today, if I gamble, I will double my money" or " I’m free today, I have "spare" money so I’ll "treat" myself to a fun day in the casino.
Those thought are always flawed.
When I chose to dwell on them, I begin to plan! A CG always ***** a PLAN.
Line up your ammunition i.e. cash.
Set time aside.
Think of an excuse ( usually a ***) to cover your tracks. (I usually meet an invisible friend)
I then need to travel a certain distance, maybe an hour. I need to quash any counter thoughts,i.e. (If I gamble I might lose" or even " Cgs never win", so as not to shatter my illusion.
Only when I have the scheme developed to the finest detail do I set off to put my plan into action.
My gambling trips are always well planned even if I manage to block out that plan from my conscious mind until the game is over. CGs are good at that!
I know now that having admitted to being in full control of every gambling trip I ever made, I can never again call it a "slip", nor can I say " I didn’t see it coming!"
Just something to reflect on when you are nursing your wounds! Its the best time to see things cleary R2C!
Suffering brings us to our senses.
Bundoran has sad memories for me too. Reminds me that I had a problem with gambling for even longer than I realised! Reading about it gave me quite a jolt. Too difficult a memory to dwell on because it involved a very young child!
GAMBLING DESTROYS LIVES!

[ready2change]

Thanks 4 the posts. Feeling a we bit stronger day by day my heart is recovering. I think
my father has got good news thank God. I told my friend last night i think its better we stay friends and that i had gambled. Nothing changes if nothing changes i would like to stay bet free adaat. I need to give myself a shake and be thankful for what i have. It could be worse it can always be worse theres always another rock bottom lurking around the corner if i let it so just 4 today i will not gamble

[i won a new life]

Hi there ready2change, glad your feeing better. One day at a time we will continue to recover. Stay strong, god bless.

[ready2change]

The thoughts of gambling are becoming less again thank God im trying to just take it adaat looking forward to the big rugby match today and then a big soccer match on tuesday night. And then theres another big soccer match on wednesday nice to have we things to look forward to. My glass is usually half full but im just still licking my wounds a we bit from my last bet it wasnt a big amount but it was a big amount when it was most of the available cash you have to your name. But i supposei was dejected because i cant trust myself. I can go months and months bet free and can save a good bit and then bang lose a thousand or two in a few hours and then the same thing happens again and again. I do try very hard most of the time but i know how sneaky this dis ease is if i give my recovery 99% i will eventually gamble because thats just the way it is for me. So i need a plan have to become orgainsed limit want available money i carry at all ***** i dont want todo this but i have no choice and thats ok im more than happy to do this. I was told by a very wise man God rest him who was off gambling over 15 years when he **** that this disease can kill you but it will torture you first and its so true i have to take action now adaat. The machines in the bookies in the U.K are making on average 1k a week each the bookies never had it so easy and no risk whatsoever. Only 2 % of gamblers make a profit its time i realised im in the worst 2% of cgs. Talks cheap and im reluctant to say im going to do this and im going to do that because iv had so many false dawns but i know i need to be a we bit more orgainsed and have a plan if i have to be regimental with my money thenso be it because i can no longer just go out and about with mayb e a thousand in my cash card and hope for the best that i wont end up in the bookies.
So just 4 today i will have a plan

[i won a new life]

Hi R2C, Glad you got some time from your last bet and your right about locking up your money, It’s a shame I’ve been doing the same thing. Save and Binge-it has to change. Have a good week, God Bless.ODAAT one day at a time

[neva]

It’s kind of like dieting.  You eat right, watch your calories and exercise and then you blow it and all your hard work is wiped out. Now you know what’s going to happen so put up some road blocks so you can’t repeat that…or at least if you do make sure you can’t access too much money.  Not being able to access more money has been a lifesaver for me.  Roadblocks will prevent you from ever again gambling away a thousand in a couple of hours!  No amount of gambling (a hundred or a thousand or more) will satisfy us but, only having a small amount of money available, will surely limit our losses…and we’ll be very thankful!!!

[Anonymous]

Hi R2C
Forget the fact that England beat you at the rugby yesterday  !!!!!
You have juve to contend with in the week. I will be cheering Celtic on !!! Proud of you mate for keeping the posts. We will defeat this eventually, just have to keep trying. Will keep my eye out for you. Well done. Get that plan of your in place !!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Well done R"C. Your digging in. Proud of you fella. Come on Celtic……………you’ll never walk alone  !!!!!!

[ready2change]

Day 7 getting the head down not saying much atm just trying to get some bet free days behind me really really determined but tired of saying im going to do this and im going to do that and then slipping at the next hurdle. So im just trying to do it rather than say it. Hope everybody has a lovely weekend this is a good forum very genuine people

[neva]

You can do it!  It takes a lot of knowing what you don’t want to finally make the life you do want. We’re all here with you every hurdle along the way.  Sherry

[ready2change]

Thanks Sherry Day 8

[p]

Keep going R2C.. those days will continue to add up. What Sherry just said clicked in my head. Learning what we dont want… we dont want gambling anymore.
P

[ready2change]

Thanks P day 9 im doing ok thank God

[icandothis]

Congratulations, readt2change on day 9.  Sherry is right…We can make the life we want, as long as we are willing to let go of what we don’t want.

[ready2change]

Day 10 and 11. Big match on atm man united and real madraid should be a cracker. Im doing ok thank God will post a proper update soon go and watch the footie now haha

[ready2change]

Day 12 very busy atm with work im happier when im busy. Have a we bit of peace of mind atm im enjoying it adaat. My financial situation in the short term is a disaster but **** it its only short term im keeping my head down and just thankful to be alive. Cheltenham on next week i dont care im very optimistic i will avoid it like the plague. Rite im away to watch celtic v juventus

[Anonymous]

Well in !
Keep the focus. You are doing well, but like me, we always do well when we do not have access to cash. Remember mate when you did access cash ? When you get cash again, thats when you need to really really take control and say ***** it’  !!!!  Next time you get cash amke sure the bills are paid immediately and the fridge is fully stocked with tucker……….then give yourself a basic allowance for work and hide the rest as if you blew it on gambling, but you know its safe somewhere instead.
I know you love the festival as I do, but just watch this time. Its OK to watch on the telly and just enjoy the sport for what it is. Amazing horses giving there all and then getting a carrot or two !
ODAAT !!!!
PS Juve ?????? lol

[ready2change]

Day 13 14 and 15 saturday morning here 910am off today woho haha. dont know if its a good idea ******** days or not im kinda doing it to make me post every day or nearly every day because if theres 1 thing iv learnt over the years is you cant beat this addictin on your own well i cant, i cant talk for anybody else. Mothers day tomorrow have to try and make it extra special for her she deserves it thankfully im able to get her a present . paying a mate 200 back out of the 500 i owe him dont like owing people money so adaat i want to clear my debts . Have to be patient on a lot of fronts not a cgs strong point but i want to change for the better in lots of ways and i also have to remember im not a bad person i never war and never could be yes im an addict and as a result i became very very sick i remember being described by a councilor that i was like a plant that was never watered or feed. its time i take care of myself im a big bhoy now i want to stop going down gambling blind alleys in some ways i think its a form of self harm and adaat i want to have a future and gambling cant be apart of it.

[ready2change]

Originally posted by ready2change
Day 13 14 and 15 saturday morning here 910am off today woho haha. dont know if its a good idea ******** days or not im kinda doing it to make me post every day or nearly every day because if theres 1 thing iv learnt over the years is you cant beat this addictin on your own well i cant, i cant talk for anybody else. Mothers day tomorrow have to try and make it extra special for her she deserves it thankfully im able to get her a present . paying a mate 200 back out of the 500 i owe him dont like owing people money so adaat i want to clear my debts . Have to be patient on a lot of fronts not a cgs strong point but i want to change for the better in lots of ways and i also have to remember im not a bad person i never was and never could be yes im an addict and as a result i became very very sick i remember being described by a councilor that i was like a plant that was never watered or feed. its time i take care of myself im a big bhoy now i want to stop going down gambling blind alleys in some ways i think its a form of self harm and adaat i want to have a future and gambling cant be apart of it.

[neva]

Every day we don’t gamble is a gift to ourselves and 15 of them is wonderful.  I remember a time when getting through a weekend was such a struggle and I rarely made it but, after getting farther and farther away from gambling, it wasn’t nearly as hard of a struggle.  R2C, it’s good to see you’re progress…thanks for sharing. We’ll celebrate with you when you get your friend paid off.  Hope you have a great weekend too.  Sherry

[bunkers22]

Thanks for sharing a bit of your life’s story in this post.  I have slipped againg and now I am in day 2. 

[ready2change]

Day 16 in the big brother house haha. Just want to wish all the mothers on GT a happy mothers day use all do a great job!

[Anonymous]

Happy mother’s day Celtic lol. Day 16’………..immense !!!!!
Want to have a Guinness on your month anniversary, I have glass ready
Ed

[ready2change]

Day 17 be glad when chelthenham is all over

[p]

congrats on your days ready well done
P

[Anonymous]

Doing brilliant Celtic !
Keep going……..remember what we said………….’just watch’ today……………..no gambling. You know what I mean lol

[ready2change]

thanks P and Ed. Day 18 havnt had a minute all day thank God onwards and upwards adaat

[ready2change]

Day 19 heading away tomorrow for St Paddys weekend with family across the border so wont be on here til probably monday as its tricky with internet to be honest just cant really afford the roaming charges only other cgs would understand that, atm im trying to let on im not as skint as i am . Very little cash but still need to be careful can be vey vulnerable 2 bookies and amusement arcades when im away. Looking forward to the break recharge the batteries being a cg can be stressful so time 2 try and destress with a v v cheap holiday

[vera]

Hope you have a great St Patrick’s Weekend RtC!
Thanks for all your support on my thread.
I could have had a round trip to New York for the St Pat celebrations with all I have lost recently.
Pretending you are not as skint as you are is stressful but borrowing to appear rich is lethal. I learned that too late….
"A fool and his money are easily parted". "Easy come, easy go".
Both have been my downfall this year. Where will it end?
Like you, I need to be ready to change before disaster really strikes!

[Anonymous]

Hi Celtic………………I know you don’t have to be told about your weekend break with the family. Listen to the wise words of Vera. Remember what we said ages ago…………ACTIONS speak louder than words. Its a choice for you and you have control of the choice you make this weekend.
Have a great St Patrick’s weekend…..hope there is no ‘Guinness’ involved !!!!!! lol

[ready2change]

Thanks Vera day 38 getting into a few bad habits atm watched the irish grand national today and glad a complete outsider won iv been watching dog and horse racing a fair bit this last week in the house no longer have a debit card so cant gamble whilst im watching it but i could be in a bookies in 2 or 3 minutes if i run out the door. so hopfully by writing this down i will nip it in the bud which really would be progress. many many ***** oves the years friends and family have said to me if your going to gamble ring me we talk about this after the damage has been done and i always say i will i will but i never do once i get that compulsion im away and then i have to pick up the pieces later. so just for today im going to stop watching horse racing i cant handle it im a cg. when i was at school i couldnt really study couldnt really concentrate so i would always say id start my studying the next night and that happened night after night and in a way its still happening i keep putting my recovery off 13 years ago i entered my first G.A meeting i cant promise nothing i would be a fool to try with this awful disease but adaat im going to try to abstain and maintain for me because we never know when we might get another chance i dont play games with other people so why do i play games with myself. I read mavericks post there and it scared me i could of wrote that i hope he gets the strength to try again when hes ready . I wish there was a cure for this dis ease but unforunately theirs not so i have to depend on me to do this **** thats scary but i will give it a go adaat

[vera]

The time has come that you will have to make it IMPOSSIBLE to gamble RTC. Give all your money and cards to someone to mind Can you ban from the nearest bookis? I know its not a magic wand solution but it will slow you down. Get a few DVDs and watch then instead of live TV. WE never got that Saorview thing so cant watch live TV. I didnt get dressed at all today in case I would make a run for the slots. Just hanging around in PJs and an old sweater. Eating non stop! I will have to get out to walk tomorrow or I ll be stuck to the sofa, but its better than being stuck to a stool in the dingy casino in Drogheda or Clogherhead or a few more I wont mention in case I give you any ideas.
Gambling is only for losers !
I could SCREAM when I think of all the money I lost and I ll be paying back my salary until I retire to settle my debt. You are only a young man RTC so take an old fools advice on April 1st and keep away from ****!
I’m so sorry to read what Maverick wrote. He does not deserve hassle from inlaws. I know we are all responsible for our own actions but driving a CG over the brink is not on!
((COME BACK LEE, if youre reading this!))

[ready2change]

day 39 going to set myself a target to get to 90 days adaat. im doing ok

[maverick.]

Great to hear you are another day gamble free, keep at it one day at a time my friend and it will keep adding up, wish you all the very best in your recovery and life, take care love Maverick.

[maverick.]

Sorry to intrude on your journal again readytochange and I hope you dont mind but just got to say thank you Vera, hope u r well and take care love Maverick.

[ready2change]

thanks maveric day 40 felt the best i did in a while today felt really good in myself. just for today i will not place that first bet thank God

[ready2change]

day 41 feeling pretty good atm glad to have got away from watching gambling type things on the tele again im feeling foccused again adaat. trying to be aware of the consequences that first bet would do to me i have a lot of bills coming up have to try and get my ole car thru the test etc pay car tax pay my friends back and my ma and then i want to try and enjoy the months of the summer lifes short im sick of just surviving i want to live life and i can do that if i stay out of the ******* bookies adaat. i have to put the effort in now i know i have a dis ease but this can be ******** if i really really want it im closing all the doors on this disgusting dis ease adaat. its not going to be easy but i hope and pray for God to guide me because i want recovery i loved gambling and give it so so so many chances but it let me down time and time again im fully aware now what it done to me and as long as i dont place that first bet i have a chance because once i place that first bet im gone its all or nothing i had no discipline i would chase and chase 1 bet really is to many and a thousandbets isnt enough. a day at a time i will stay foccused

[vera]

Great post RTC!
The consequences of my gambling  hit home big time today! If only I could go back to May 2008 when I first joined this site! If only I had followed the advise I was given then.
I hope you will never live to experience such regret . The damage is SOO hard to undo!

[i won a new life]

Yeah mate, good to hear. As baffling as it is we know don’t make the first bet. I hope this summer can be enjoyed without gambling. I have had to learn the hard way over and over again. I could not agree more.ODAAT one day at a time

[Anonymous]

***** my Irish mucker
Your doing brilliant…….keep checking in on your diary, even if I don’t write. well done mate !

[ready2change]

thanks 4 the posts day 42, 43 and 44 have had terribke tinternet signal lately so couldnt get to post but thats ok. hungover this morning so i will catch up with diaries soon haha. had a good night out last night with mates just what the doctor ordered laid low while the grand national was on kept myself out of harms way was never really a race i took to serious mind you ***** dandy winniing in 1983 when i was 6 years old gave me a 2 pound win apparently the next year i cried when my horse didnt win so my dad said i dont think i would of cried haha. im very focused thank God i can do this if i really want it adaat

[vera]

you’re right RTC!
Time for me to start practicing what I preach! Follow my own advice.
Any idea WHy Cgs are so eager to throw everything we have away and self-destruct?

[neva]

Congrats on all your gamble free days! Keep moving forward ODAAT.

[icandothis]

Just wanted to add to the others in congratulating you on a job well done! 

[vera]

Heard no word back from that One to One Counselling Service you told me about RtC so I got brave and called them just now. They will call me back later , they said to set up an appointment.
‘Hope you stay on the right track, you are doing really well!

[ready2change]

thanks 4 the posts day 45 half way to my target adaat. im feeling pretty good thank God still early days but im doing ok quitely optomistic havent been this determined in a long time but as Ed says the real test will come when the tank is built up

[Anonymous]

Your doing great my friend. We both know when the tests really come. When we have access to cash. Really try to make sure you are ‘limited’ in your ability to access it. This is a really hard thing to fight, but I believe we can change, because what we have become ‘conditioned to’ we can also have it reversed, BUT the new state will take a long time and we have to accept that. I hope this makes sense.
Ed

[neva]

You’re doing amazing!  Ed is right, make sure you put barriers on your access to cash…as insurance for a better life. You’ll never regret that you couldn’t get money to gamble but you’ll always regret the money you lost. Make sure there is no regrets.

[vera]

RTC,
I got the appointment. Monday 15th!
Can’t go into too much detail here.
A well renowned psychotherapist. I looked her up online. €70 per session! But for me,it will be free!
Thanks to YOU!
I’m looking foward to it!
It’s my new secret!

[cat438]

WTG = RTC, you are doing awesome.  Yes, we all have to fight to stay away from this bloxdy addiction of gambling.  We have days we have to fight tooth and nail to get those thoughts and urges out our head.  Keep doing what you are doing, put some barriers in place if you can.  No money = no gambling. 
Also, thank you for guiding Vera to find help.  It shows we can all find help through others and how new GT members can help others who have been here longer.  So proud of you Vera for making an appointment and as always wishing you nothing but the best. One day at a time my sweet lord…

[maverick.]

Keep at it ready2change and never give in, you are doing great and keep doing what you know works for you……between me and you never let that tank get built up, always keep it running on the bare minimum and with that the rest will fall into place, take care my friend and wish you well, all the best love Maverick.

[ready2change]

thanks for the posts i will hopfully catch up with some diaries soon my internet signal on my phone is very bad atm but thats ok i will just say the serenity prayer its no big deal in the grand scheme of things. Day 46 and 47 im feeling good in myself thank God, left my ma and da to the airport last nite at 3am theyre away to portugal for a week 300 quid each all inclusive it just shows you what you can get with your money. I looked at the long term car park as i was driving away from the airport and it was full of big cars and i thought to myself id say none of them are cgs. if i keep my head down keep my blocks up and if i continue to really want this then i can in time start to really live again and learn the value of money again. but il take it adaat because thats the safest way in my humble opinion.

[ready2change]

day 48 and 49 7 weeks bet free adaat. im a bit hungover today had a good night last night. few diaries i want to catch up with soon. im doing ok i think haha. limiting what money i carry at all ***** and avoiding all gambling on tele. some***** i feel like i sound like a broken record haha. hope everybody has a good weekend. God bless

[ready2change]

day 50 il post early when i have signal God knows when i will have signal again haha. great sleep last night went to bed early was very tired. im staying very very focused adaat. im staying at the home house while my parents are away and gambling is the last thing on my mind atm thank God my last slip scared the life out of me and adaat im really ready 2 change

[neva]

Way to go R2C!  I remember a time when I couldn’t get 7 clean days together and getting 50 is fantastic.  Keep doing what you’re doing!

[neva]

R2C, I went back and read your post from your last gambling experience (copied it below).  It was heartbreaking that you were that low. As cg, I think we have all had suicide cross our minds…I know I have.  I’m impressed that you are taking the steps to turn your life around because you are truly a good person. 50 days later you’re still here and I’m happy that you are!
 
"Really messed up since wed lost 1500 sum of it not mine trying to win back mine im in trouble tomorrow i ***** from my ma and da i ransacked their house found roughly 700 lost it yesterday thought last nite was my last nite on this planet as tonight i intended ending my life and the farce that it has become. I will not say how i was planning to do it but i checked on the internet this morning for tips on the easiet way to go and i found a site that ended up telling me icould end up brain damaged threw my attempt or things like that then it explained that the people that cared me that their life sentence would only begin and that people who dont care about me wouldnt remember me in a month and would maybe get a sick kick out of my death reading all that made me change my mind i didnt sleep last night i didnt want to. I rung a friend this morning and asked could i get alend of money he said how muchsaid 500 he said hed ring me back in 30 mins he rung me back in 35 mins and said he would meet me in 2 hours and he had got me the money. He is a recovering addict so he understood fair play to him that internet article and my friend have hopfully saved my life. I will be able to give my mum most of her money tomorrow when she returns from donegal she will be heart broken i stay at their house when theyr away on holidays but il be barred from now on. I am in such a sad place my heart is broke and i feel dead in ways but im glad i am going to fite on i just wish my mother didnt need to know but i havent got her property back in exactly the way she left it she will be heart broking Again im a rat. I would never ***** 10p of anyone but this ******* addiction gives me a split personality any wonder im a gemini. At least im still alive and i have to face the music dont do the crime if you cant do the time. Feeling bit better than last night. Gambling is a dangerous loathsome fecker. I will give my recovery everyting adaat i will get my blocks rock solid i cant live like this any longer. Tomorrow will be heart breaking seeing my mothers pain. Homeless in dublin are in my thoughts tonight God help them its a cold night i need to get this sorted once and for all hope this is rock bottom and i never feel like this again. God grant me the serenity "

[i won a new life]

Happy for you mate, keep going.ODAAT one day at a time

[ready2change]

thanks for the posts Day 51

[vera]

Day 51!
Well done RTC!
I went to the first counselling session.
Made a B****S of it.
Took the wrong exit off the M50 and got totally lost.
Arrived half and hour late.
Stressed to the hilt.
Flustered .
Sick.
Anyone who knows me knows I "don’t do late!"
I just cannot function when I’m late.
I freeze and feel like screaming, swearing and or gambling when I’m late for anything. I soooo felt like saying "forget you ever set up an appointment with this looser", but I faced the music. Arrived LATE. Got a shortened session and answered whatever questions I was asked. I tried to be normal and polite but the first impression I left must have been     B A D!
I drove down through the city on my way home . (I will never set foot on that bloody M 50 again.)
Saw a CASINO in Rathmines. A big flashing sign over the door. I felt like pakring the car on the kerb and smashing that sign to smithereens!
This is where gambling has led me!
That woman must have thought I was a nutcase!
My second appointment is for next Monday!
Guess this is all happening to show me the consequences of gambling !
I know for sure now that I am a goddam loser!– 15/04/2013 23:14:41: post edited by vera.

[neva]

Vera, that’s wonderful that you still went to the session instead of the casino!  R2C is leading you in a good direction!

[ready2change]

thanks Ed day 67 taking my car to the mechanic today to get ready for the test next wednesday i bought a part worn tyre yesterday to get thru the test if i didnt gamble i could buy a brand new car maybe in the future adaat. have to tax the car 2 but thankfully i can just about afford it all because iv been gamble free for 67 days dread to think where i would be if i had of kept slipping. 23 days to my first we target another target is a bet free summer but just for today i will not gamble

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on your remarkable achievement, R2C. It’s wonderful that you have managed to string together so many days … the one day at a time concept is amazing, isn’t it?  Sounds like you’re taking care of the important things in your life and that your priorities are starting to fall into place.  It can only get better and better as you go.  I really like the idea of a gamble free summer.  I’ll join you on that.  Here’s to one more gamble free day.  Enjoy!! RG

[neva]

Congratulations on all those gamble free days.  It isn’t easy and I admire your determination…it’s good to read.

[ready2change]

thanks RG and Sherry. Day 72 enjoying the bank holiday weekend im trying to stay in the middle no dirty big false highs or dramatic lows that make me think i need to gamble to escape my life. have enjoyed the world snooker championships this last 2 weeks and great not to be betting on who will pot the first ball of the frame etc etc madness some of the bets i placed when chasing my losses. so its been great being able to watch sport for sports sake. i say adaat a lot because to be honest i take nothing for granted with this disgusting dis ease nothing and to be honest i take nothing for granted in life. its nice to be over 10 weeks adaat in a month or2 i might have a bit of extra money so that will be new challenges for me protecting the money and myself because i hate being financially insecure i know the experts say this disease isnt about money and i know deep down it isnt but there is ***** i think it is kinda about money and maybe thats why ive been a repeat slipper over the years or maybe its because i cant admit defeat when im chasing or i cant deal with rejection or maybe i just loved gambling so much, who knows and who cares. iv noticed cgs change their minds a lot me included its funny some***** how we change our minds a lot. I feel ok today and thats all that matters!

[cat438]

WTG R2c on your gamble free time.  Also thank you for telling Vera about the counseling as I am sure that it will be a help to her.  Vera has been such a help to so many of us on this site that it is wonderful to see her getting some support!!!!  Your post about cgs changing their minds a lot does make sense to me.  I some***** think the reason I gambled was money as it would have been such a help to me, then other ***** I was running away from my emotions and not dealing with things, then other ***** I wanted some fun and excitement in my life.  It did not matter the reason that I gambled the one thing that never changed was losing money, chasing money and walking out with no money.  The number of ***** I prayed to God to let me get my money back.  I finally accepted that I was never getting my money back, it was there money now.  I hated how I felt after I lost money.. the feeling of self loathing, hating myself.  Only another cg can know the feeling of hate towards ourselves because of how we had **** to those we loved.  How our gambling was all we could think about. It was all about being able to escape to gamble.  It sounds sad when our sane mind is there, but when the addiction mind is working we are not thinking clearly.  We have to continue to take it ODAAT as that is the only way we can achieve a gamble free life.  Keep going R2c you are doing awesome!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[Anonymous]

Hi Celtic
What a fine achievement you have made. We started about the same time on here and its a pleasure to see you writing regularly. Whatever you are finding the inner strength from is defo working, so keep going on this road mate. Do not blow it. ODAAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You could even inspire Liverpool lol

[vera]

Just popping in to say Hi R2C!
On night duty tonight in you know where!
No counselling this week due to bank hiliday.
Keep up the good work!

[ready2change]

thanks 4 the posts. Day 74 got threw the car test this morning and i felt good about it as the day has gone i have wanted the we high to continue its like i feel i deserve a bet to celebrate my good news. just thought i would share that and im hoping having admitted to it i will realise its a big no no. hoping to give my mate more money back tomorrow and tax car i dont have much money but my mind is playing tricks with me telling me go on have a we bet. yep i do change my mind a lot haha well im going to stay focused adaat. i use to get sick of all the ole catchphrases at G.A but theyre all true hope i dont have 2 learn the hard way any longer. Good day with the car and keeping my guard up!

[vera]

I know the feeling R2C! After a day out or a successful event I always feel there is something missing. It’s like we want to put the icing on the cake for extra enjoyment. The reality is that "icing" is POISON!
Gambling is DEADLY for a CG!
I’m still hanging in. Back on days tomorrow. Time clocks really screwd now but that my life!
You just reminded me my car is way over due for NTC. Had to get a new part for the steering today € 65 . Will pay hubby back tomorrow on payday…In the past I would have tried to "win" that 65 and of course it would have cost me    € 650. I must be getting sense at last!
 

[Anonymous]

Hi R2C.  I know how you feel.  Good news, bad news … they all felt like good reasons for me to have a bet.  By the time you get this, I hope that you will still be safe and celebrating the fact that you got through those thoughts.  The "icing" on the cake is  the fact that you can pay your friend back, that you can pay the taxes on your car, that you have 74 gambling free days and are only 16 days away from your first goal.  I am so proud of you for your achievements and rooting for continue to keep your guard up. RG

[ready2change]

thanks Vera and RG day 76 urges yesterday again so went on the drink last night with limited money just needed a release bit hungover today but im grand and the urges are gone thank God adaat. Im trying really hard feeling quite proud of myself and why not God knows we beat ourselves up something serious after a slip so why not be proud when trying to arrest this disease. I will only get out what i put in with my recovery thats for sure.
hope everybody has a good weekend God bless

[cat438]

R2c way to go on your gamble free days.  It is interesting how we can be doing great for days and not have the thoughts and urges, and then WHAM BAM we seem to be having them continually.  I know I am having more and more lately so I know that I need to be on guard… although I know that the thoughts and urges will not harm me, as long as I don’t act on them!!!!  I wonder if it is something to do with setting goals for ourselves… for example saying I want to get to 90 days, 6 months or beat the most gamble free time that I have had.  I know that it is getting closer to the 7 months gamble free which is the most I have had since I started recovery.  I have to change my thoughts to a gamble free life, one day at a time!!!  Keep thinking once you get to day 90, it’s just another day!!!  It is so much easier giving suggestions to others, but I am going to use that for me as well!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[ready2change]

thanks cat day 78 nothing but rain in ireland atm and forecast for the next 5 days at least. we havnt had a good summer in about 5 or 6 years and this year is looking worse than ever. what can you do thats life. im doing ok adaat

[neva]

Happy Birthday R2C and congratulations on 90 days.  You’ve given yourself the best possible gift.  Enjoy every minute of turning older and wiser!

[Anonymous]

Happy birthday mate, hoping you have a brilliant day with your good lady. Odaat

[ready2change]

thanks for the posts. hope vera is ok itl be good to see her back posting when shes ready just hope false pride dosent keep her away to long. iv been very busy great weekend last weekend and then busy with work. Mate rung me the other night that he had 2 complimentary tickets for the republic of ireland v faroe islands and did i want to go so off we go tomorrow night to the match and its the executive level iv a quere head on me for the executive level haha my eyes will be dancing should be good craic faroes not a big team but 3 very important qualifying points at stake so looking forward to taking it all in. my new drink is strawberry cider so il have a few of them haha. wont be taking cash card with me tomorrow why would i i will take enough cash for a good day full stop. God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference

[ready2change]

thanks for the posts. hope vera is ok itl be good to see her back posting when shes ready just hope false pride dosent keep her away to long. iv been very busy great weekend last weekend and then busy with work. Mate rung me the other night that he had 2 complimentary tickets for the republic of ireland v faroe islands and did i want to go so off we go tomorrow night to the match and its the executive level iv a quere head on me for the executive level haha my eyes will be dancing should be good craic faroes not a big team but 3 very important qualifying points at stake so looking forward to taking it all in. my new drink is strawberry cider so il have a few of them haha. wont be taking cash card with me tomorrow why would i i will take enough cash for a good day full stop. God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference

[ready2change]

thanks for the posts. hope vera is ok itl be good to see her back posting when shes ready just hope false pride dosent keep her away to long. iv been very busy great weekend last weekend and then busy with work. Mate rung me the other night that he had 2 complimentary tickets for the republic of ireland v faroe islands and did i want to go so off we go tomorrow night to the match and its the executive level iv a quere head on me for the executive level haha my eyes will be dancing should be good craic faroes not a big team but 3 very important qualifying points at stake so looking forward to taking it all in. my new drink is strawberry cider so il have a few of them haha. wont be taking cash card with me tomorrow why would i i will take enough cash for a good day full stop. God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference

[Author]

Posts