9 November 2017 at 10:29 pm #6021
My husband is a CG. He wasn’t when we met. In fact, he used to meditate and was on this path of personal growth and self-improvement. I guess around the time his mom got cancer, his family life started to unravel. He’d always had a very toxic relationship with his mother, and when she died it was more of a blessing than a sadness. So then you add in the guilt that comes with feeling relieved your mother is dead, and I guess it was a downward spiral from there. There were other family problems that came afterwards, including rejection from his daughter.
His way to cope with stress has typically been to throw himself into work. I was in school and he’s the sole income earner, so he’s always taken a lot of pride in his ability to earn income. With that comes a tremendous feeling of entitlement to spend that money however he wants, regardless of what’s best for the family, our long-term finances, and life goals as a couple. Rationally and objectively, of course, he recognises that saving money is important and he’s seen the power of it when we’ve been able to purchase things cash that most people require financing for.
You see, early on I recognised his general terribleness with money, and I got him to agree to put me in charge of all the finances. He’s pretty much been “on allowance” throughout our entire relationship together. So by some grace, his addiction hasn’t managed to bankrupt us or even wipe out all our savings. Between the fact that he makes a fair bit of money and my ability to squirrel it away such that he knows it exists but doesn’t really understand banking enough to know how to access it, he’s only been able to do so much damage. Before the gambling became a problem, he had access to a LOC and did max that out a couple times to the combined tune of about $60,000. That was the wake-up call for me to take away his access to credit accounts and make his credit cards have no cash advances, but then he found an unscrupulous bar that would give him cash on his credit card as a regular sales transaction, knowing full well he was planning to plug it into the VLTs they owned (they were more than happy to pay the relatively meagre service charge for the “sale!”)
… As I just stood there taking a break to pet my cat, I just realised that the “grace” by which he didn’t empty our shared accounts was simply the fact that this would have got him caught immediately, and I would have put a (temporary) end to the party. As long as he only used credit lines that I couldn’t see in my own banking login, he could keep it up without me catching on quite yet. He must have -known- I’d figure it out eventually, but I guess that was “Tomorrow”-CG’s problem.
All told, he’s run up at least $150,000 in debt that’s had to be paid off over the years. I know you’re not supposed to enable the gambler by paying it off, but I couldn’t get past the fact that our own net finances were oozing high interest on one account when we had enough savings to pay it off in another account making less than pennies on the dollar. And when he got an overdraft on his bank card, he didn’t realise there was a “pay it off in 30 days or it goes to collections” clause on the agreement, so even when he had -finally- decided to take responsibility and put his allowance towards paying it off, we lost that option the moment the bank called and gave him 24 hours to take care of it “or else.”
Emotionally I’m just drained. Financially it’s complicated. At the end of the day, despite this problem, we still end up in the black. Reading the stories here, I almost feel “lucky” in a screwed up kind of way. I guess he’s got at least as much work addiction as gambling addiction, so they somehow balance out financially, or something. I don’t know.
He went on a cruise once, and Norweigan Cruise Lines begged him for years to come back. They offered him countless free cruises, literally free. He begged and begged me to let him go. I only relented when he agreed to a $500 trip allowance with no credit card whatsoever, and the understanding that if he spent it, tough poop. He called me two days in to ask for more money, said he’d lost it all the first night. He even spent the extra money I’d allowed him for Christmas shopping. But I stuck to my guns and he had the crappiest cruise ever. If he hadn’t pre-paid for the unlimited drinks package, he probably would have spent the whole week holed up in his room. I felt a combination of pity and satisfaction, which didn’t make me feel very good about myself, which then made me angry because his problem was making me feel bad about myself… then I was angry about being angry, and well, you know.
Norweigan didn’t offer any more free cruises. Apparently $500 per week is a little below their VIP threshold. They preferred the $12,000 he spent the first time.
Even that was already a couple years ago.
I’m just so done. The final straw was last week. I travel a lot, and I’d gone to my mom’s for a week. My mom has bipolar disorder and because of toxicity, she’d recently been taken off her lithium and has been pretty unstable ever since (obviously). I left $1,000 in our safe in case there were any emergencies while I was away. We’ve had some big repair bills lately, but I’ve also been wanting a new laptop for my work training, so I sent him a text one morning asking if it was okay to buy one. He texted back that it was, but that it was not okay to leave cash with him. The implied confession was obvious. I was furious. I phoned him immediately back and tore him open. I admit it’s not the best or most helpful reaction, but it was what it was.
But I’m always quick to forgive and way to quick to forget, so even though we had another round of the “you need to get help” “yeah, I know” talks without really establishing any kind of action plan, I returned from my mom’s a couple days later and resumed life as usual. But then two days later it all came up again, and this time it wasn’t even triggered by gambling. I guess this is where I also admit that CG probably has problem drinking, and almost certainly drinks more than is healthy; and I’ll also confess that I indulge far too frequently in those green herbs. I’ve gone through bouts of addictive behaviour with video games in the past, but I’m aware of the pattern and am able to avoid “starting” a game whenever I’m not in a place in life that I can devote 18 hours a day to it for the next 10-30 days (like that window between final exams and second semester). So by all means, we both have some things we need to work on, and I’m not pretending to be perfect. I’ve also been using pot to cope with this issue recently, which is not healthy either, but I’m in a “one issue at a time” kind of space right now.
What happened two days ago was triggered by alcohol. We had ordered pizza and were on our way to pick it up. I was really hungry, but he wanted to stop for a six-pack on the way. While he had been contemplating giving up drinking for a while, he felt that if I was going to be smoking that night, he’d like to get some beers. It seemed fair. But instead of picking up a six pack, he was in there for like 20 minutes. After 15, and with the alternator presently dying on our car while I was waiting (idling because we didn’t want to risk the car not starting again), I came in and told him the pizza had been ready 10 minutes ago and that the car sounded like it was struggling. He was standing at the craft beer counter while they were filling his brand new Growler. I was furious (again) and stormed back out. While I was sitting there for another 5 minutes, the car almost completely died. I went in again and told him it was really dying, so he told me to go push down the accelerator. I did that and it died completely, so I went in a third time and told him it was dead. Even still, now cursing and angry himself, he still waited for them to seal it up and paid. But he could start to see things were going downhill fast. When we got outside again, the car was completely dead. I completely lost my shit, a combination of panic and hunger and, of course, pure raw fury. At one point I opened my door to leave, but the woman beside me opened hers at the same time and we bumped. I thought it was my fault, and I was already in a full-blown panic attack at that point, that I just started hyperventilating. Meanwhile he was out of the car trying to get a boost or something, reassuring the other lady with the door that I was okay and it had just been a hard day (which of course was only half true — it had been a hard day, but I was most certainly -not- okay).
Eventually I regained enough composure to walk away. I had to get out of that situation and go anywhere. I wanted desperately to phone a friend to come get me, but I couldn’t stand the thought of having to explain why I was in tears and everything else. I also just wanted to go home, but we live in a camper and my husband had the keys.
The rest of that night and the next couple days are a bit of a blur. I ended up walking back to the RV and he caught up with me on the way. At that point, he was still mostly furious about me getting angry at him at the liquor store, and then for freaking out in the car, and then for walking away without a ride or anything. I was just so flabbergasted that he would have the audacity to be angry at ME that I pretty much couldn’t even talk. I was pretty focused on the events of the evening and the fact that all I’d wanted was pizza and he was going to be in and out for beer and hadn’t let it go when I came in telling him about the car trouble.
As we argued and discussed and cried through the night, it became clear that while I was absolutely angry about the 20 minutes in a liquor store and putting beer before his wife’s safety in a cold car in the winter, I was even more angry about the gambling earlier that week, and clearly not ready, able, or willing to forgive gambling yet again. I realised that after messing up again by blowing that cash, I’d been expecting him to “man up” and “step up to the plate” by going “above and beyond” that weekend to make up for his mistake and show commitment to fixing it. Of course I hadn’t *told* him any of those expectations, and I was absolutely devastated when they were so uncategorically and utterly unmet.
So here we are. I’ve hit the rewind button back to the moment I found out about the most recent gambling incident, and I’m currently deciding how to react and respond to that. I’ve told him that I can’t do this anymore, and that if I’m going to stay another day, he needs to start making changes. He agreed to call his old gambling counsellor first thing Monday morning, which he did. Meanwhile the team I’d called earlier that week got back to us and we arranged appointments. He saw her on Tuesday.
He seems to have finally admitted, if only “rationally” and not “emotionally” yet, that he will never be able to gamble again, not responsibly. That’s a start, but it’s not enough. We’ve been -there- before and then there were still relapses. I don’t know exactly what he needs, what I need, and what I need from him. Somehow I need constant and ongoing evidence that he’s working to move past this, whatever that looks like. I like the idea of the helpline here and the chats, but of course he has to take that initiative. I can only push so much.
So on the other side, I’m still deciding how I’m going to react. For the time being, I’m staying here with him. I’m exploring the idea of spending a few weeks with my mom to get some distance and clarity, but then I feel like I’m the one being displaced from my own home, and that makes me resentful. And all told, I do still love him and want to be with him.
My counsellor spoke about boundaries and consequences. So I’m starting to think of a three-strikes type of boundaries system. First strike, I go to my mom’s for 2 weeks with no communication for the first three days. Second strike, I rent my friend’s spare room for a month, taking my cat too, and dissolve all the joint accounts (direct depositing his pay cheque to an account in my name only). Three strikes, I move to Newfoundland with a good friend of mine and start divorce proceedings. He’ll keep the farmland he inherited from his grandma, I get the RRSP’s, and we sell the rental properties and split the proceeds. I feel like spelling out the terms of the divorce in black-and-white right now might be good, too. He needs to realise that this is something I’m really giving a lot of thought to, not just an empty amorphous threat.
Ugh.9 November 2017 at 10:45 pm #6022
One of the scariest realisations for me is that, this time around, I find myself not “liking” him right now. I still “love” him, but I don’t feel happy or joyful when I look at him, the way I used to. I look at him and feel sad. I’m recognising this as a first step down a slippery slope. I just hate the fact that I’m so powerless to do anything here. It’s like my happiness over the next 5 or so years is completely in someone else’s hands. (I won’t say for the whole rest of my life, since I’m at the “leaving-crossroads,” and if I left, I know that I would be sad for a while but I would eventually recover and fall in love again, I’m only 35).9 November 2017 at 10:50 pm #6023
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
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We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team9 November 2017 at 11:14 pm #6024
Well done. I will write a reply soon when i have had time to think about your 3 strikes plan which I think he may find too daunting and may lead to a outcome you don’t really want. I know when I made such plans and they always backfired on me.
However, such a post deserves careful thought, the kind of thought that is not in abundance at the end of the day – for me anyway.
My daughter and her husband arrive tomorrow for a couple of days but I promise you I will write soon.
You are in my thoughts
Velvet10 November 2017 at 3:11 pm #6025
That’s a good point. I don’t feel very good about that particular “three strikes” plan either. I just don’t know what to do, and I know I have to do something. This cycle will never end.10 November 2017 at 7:45 pm #6026
Today has been a hard day, and it’s only 1:30 in the afternoon. Long way to go. I’ve been crying off and on all day. It’s really sinking in how much this isn’t going away. CG already seems “over it” and that leaves me feeling 1000x more hopeless than I did yesterday, which is really saying something. He’s already back to being cheerful and happy-go-lucky. He’s quite bothered by the fact that a good friend of his at work was seriously injured, will probably never walk without pain again, and that could have been him. And while that’s a perfectly valid fear and concern, it seems to have overshadowed any memory that he has this whole gambling addiction thing.
I was on the helpline today, and they helped me see crystal clearly how nothing I do can trigger him to change his behaviour. Maybe my “three strikes” plan was coming from a place of trying to force him into rock bottom or something, I don’t know.
Today I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever (x1000 more “evers”) be able to leave any money with him or credit cards without him gambling it away. This puts me in a really tough spot for the next 2 weeks, since I’m going to Jamaica and he has to be able to put fuel in the camper to keep the heat running, to say nothing of food and water.
It’s more and more clear to me that my idea to go to my mom’s is born more out of punishment and forcing his rock bottom than taking care of myself, since at home is the place I want to be. But I don’t know any other “consequences” I can give him that don’t punish me at least as much. I know from past experience that if I threaten too short of a leash financially, he explodes with a “why don’t I take ALL the money that *I* make and you can just get a job then!” and, well, he has a point. He could do that. I mean, he’d be ending his marriage and would probably be lonely and miserable for the rest of his life, but he could do that.
I’m just so angry. I hate being forced into a position where someone else has so much control over my happiness. The only way I see to regain some control over my own life is divorce, and sure that would allow me to start the recovery process and start healing, and I would probably end up “happy” a lot faster than if I stay. But in the meantime, I would be absolutely devastated.
Besides, as callous as it sounds, these thoughts do come up: He works more than he gambles, and even though he’s lost tens of thousands, he’s made far more than he’s lost. We’re still in the black overall, so even with the gambling, staying is financially preferable to leaving. So far, at least.10 November 2017 at 8:31 pm #6027
In many ways, I’ve had a very fairy tale life and marriage apart from this. There’s always been enough money to do the things we wanted, even if his problem periodically wiped out our savings. The amounts grew smaller as my oversight grew tighter. He gradually started realising he has “a problem” and then started getting worse about hiding it. Or maybe I could even be charitable enough to say better at admitting it?
Even this only really reared up every now and then, maybe once or twice a year in any significant amount. He actually did keep it under control most of the time, surprisingly. And because I’ve always been so quick to forgive (which I do highly recommend as a life philosophy, regardless of this situation pushing me past its limits, I generally feel really happy as a result of not holding grudges), it only affected me for a few hours strongly and then I’d be upset about the lost money, but there’s always more where that comes from. And I fully recognise the privilege of this, of having the savings on hand to cover his losses, and that even though his credit rating is much better now than when we met, he can only access so much credit at once.
Gambling, even compulsive gambling, is very normalised in his social group. He works for the railroad and half the guys on his crew are gamblers.
I asked him this weekend how many of those other guys were married? He thought about that pretty hard, brow crumpled up and everything, and he didn’t answer. I asked again, and he said zero, although one of them was divorced. I laughed and said I wasn’t surprised.
No matter what, I’ll never leave him completely. I know that. He’s my soul mate and I love him more than anything. But if it came to it, I -would- be willing to get a legal divorce and separate our finances, still having his pay direct deposited into my account. All the properties in my name, obviously. So if nothing else, that gives me a glimmer of hope — there exists some way that even if he never gets better, I can still stay “with” him in person if not legally. God I hope it doesn’t come to that.10 November 2017 at 8:46 pm #6028
Want to know the stupidest, most ironic thing?
The man has a frickin’ certificate in addictions counselling. Like seriously.
He had a drinking problem in his youth and a lot of issues from growing up that he knew he needed to deal with, so he’d signed up for this live-in addictions counselling certification program that also puts the students THROUGH addictions counselling, so they know what their clients are going through, and so they deal with their own issues first rather than projecting them on clients later. It’s a pretty brilliant program in theory, and it started him well on the path to self-growth.
But clearly the message got dropped somewhere. He’s always said he has to be careful with drinking, and he keeps a pretty close eye on his mood when he’s wanting to drink, and doesn’t drink if he feels something emotional going on. And he controlled his drinking pretty well for years, although recently I think it’s gotten bad again. That whole incident with the growler, together with his general reluctance to give it up, is telling. But that’s why he thought he could control his gambling, because he was controlling his drinking. I might have clued in to extent of the gambling problem then, when I pointed out that first he’d quit drinking for a few years and get therapy before he’d been able to do it under control, and suggested maybe he needed to quit gambling for a few years and get therapy before the same can be true.
Right now, I’m thinking a zero-tolerance policy on both is probably in order. The way I see it, the logic is simple enough: either you can give something up or you can’t. If you can, and the thing is hurting someone you love, then why keep doing it? If you can’t, then you’re addicted. If you’re an addict, then you’re either active or in recovery.
Besides, alcohol is frickin’ expensive and he’s got a lot of gambling debt to pay back to the household savings. He especially loves the craft beers with dinner at fancy hipster joints, and never less than two with a meal, three if I got a drink, I guess because then it’s encouragement.
Sometimes he’d drive home drunk too. I can’t believe that didn’t bother me more! Wow, so so much is becoming clear now. It’s sobering on a whole new level.
I need to quit “smoking” too. I have my own set of problem behaviours that I won’t go into here. But as stupid as it sounds, I guess part of me felt a bit of “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” with it. Plus both my parents are chronic users, so it’s always around. I’m not remotely prepared to cut off my relationships with my parents over it.
I wish we could get away from our current lifestyle. We went to Thailand last winter and we’ve been dreaming of retiring there ever since. We could go there and just do yoga and meditate all the time, get massages and go hiking. But running away won’t solve anything.13 November 2017 at 2:11 pm #6029
I understand that your husband’s cheerfulness is giving you cause to feel more miserable and afraid – it is a common reaction. Don’t be scared by the thought that you don’t like your husband, in my view it is extremely difficult to like the behaviour of an active CG but as long as you feel that your life is determined by his addiction you will be miserable and afraid whilst he will have moments of high that will always be followed by times of low.
You can’t force your husband to rock bottom. Rock bottom is a mental state. Some CGs sink to a terrible black abyss before they recognise that their addiction will not let them go but other CGs don’t go to such depths before they recognise and accept their problem. Regardless of the depth, however, they need the tools with which they can control their addiction; these tools are willingly given to those who seek to live gamble-free.
I do not accept your premise that you will never be able to leave money or credit cards with your husband although, in my opinion, credit cards are not the best thing for many people, CG or not. My CG has a debit card and I would happily now leave him with money.
Divorce is very final and is a decision that only you can make but in my view it does not appear to be the outcome you want most. I can follow your thinking that a legal divorce will separate your finances and even that ‘you’ can see a way to staying with him but I would be amazed if he shared your thinking.
I’m afraid that his certificate in addiction counselling doesn’t surprise me as much as it should – becoming a counsellor does not make a person perfect. Sadly what it probably does mean is that he has the words but not the empathy.
I understand how you arrived at the thought “the logic is simple enough: either you can give something up or you can’t. If you can, and the thing is hurting someone you love, then why keep doing it?” but it is not that simple. The addiction to gamble lacks logic and reason so trying to make sense of the senseless will only confuse you further. The logic your put forward could be reasonably applied to smoking but the addiction to gamble is not on the same addiction spectrum as smoking.
I believe that CGs are punished enough by owning such a terrible addiction. I have no idea why my CG has the addiction to gamble and I have not but I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would never have laid the first innocent bet if he could have foreseen what misery this simple act was going to cost him and all those around him.
Please keep posting – getting your thoughts and anger out will help you to make the right decision for you and hopefully for your husband. I got tremendous relief by keeping a private journal that I was able to destroy bit by bit when my CG took control of his addiction.
You are not powerless over ‘your’ life – what you do next is down to you.
Velvet18 November 2017 at 1:04 pm #6030
I’m trying to remain optimistic. Not that he won’t gamble again, but that I’ll be able to cope with it when he does. I’m really starting to understand this as a full and proper disease, not just a bad habit.
We watched a really good documentary, I highly recommend it. It’s actually an episode of the Real Hustler series, where the guy tries to understand what separates him (a career poker player and hustler) from his dad (a gambling addict). Along the way, he visits a neuroscientist who studies compulsive gambling. They scan his brain while he plays VLTs, and the brain of a confirmed gambling addict, and shows the exact difference. This is the interesting part: it turns out gamblers aren’t addicted to the win (which we know) or even the bet (which lots of people here say). It turns out what they’re actually addicted to, the thing that really excites them, is the near-misses… A non-CG gets excited about the wins and disappointed by the losses, even the near ones. But the CG brain doesn’t even notice the wins at all, but lights up like fireworks when they ALMOST win.
For that to be such a clear physiological difference, it has to be genetic, and therefor it has to have offered some kind of evolutionary advantage. I love thinking about this stuff, because it often helps my brain accept things that suck, because biology is messy and haphazard, and I’m cool with that. So near misses… I can see that… Hunting is as much chance as skill. If you NEARLY hit a deer, that’s a really good sign that your skill is pretty good and you just need another chance. The hunter who gets excited and encouraged by near misses is far more likely to try again than the one who gets discouraged. The hunter who tries again is more likely to succeed, and eat dinner, and live another day to pass on his genes. The problem with VLT’s, of course, is that the element of skill is completely removed. Near misses no longer indicate that you’re becoming a better hunter, and a few more tries you might get your catch.
It also explains, to me at least, why my husband is so hooked on that Bejewelled game. When he beats a few levels in a row with 3 stars each, he gets bored. What is it that really sucks him in? Getting 2 stars 57 times in a row. In other words, the near-miss. He just HAS to get that third star. He does Google Play surveys to earn credit which he spends on extra lives for the game so he can get his 3 stars for every level. Myself, when I was playing that super cute “Crunch Time” game (Simon’s Cat), I started out trying to get 3 stars until the levels got hard, then I gave up and just tried to finish as many levels as I could, then I got bored again and quit playing all together.
I also went to a Gam-Anon meeting last week. It was pretty good I guess. I did like talking to other people who’d gone through this, but it was rather disheartening to hear from the two women who’d been coming to that meeting every week for 20+ years and their husbands were still gambling. One of them started coming because her husband told her about the meetings. He’d heard from others at GA that when their wives started attending Gam-Anon, they stopped nagging so much. So this guy got his wife to go to Gam-Anon… and then quit going to GA. *sigh* She still goes obviously, because it really helps her, but that’s gotta be pretty frustrating.
What I told my CG is this: I understand this is an illness, just like how my mom has bi-polar. BUT, just like I expect my mom to get treatment (continue seeing her psychiatrist, taking her medication, and doing the self-care required of her illness), I expect that of him as well. And so far he is. He met in person with a gambling addictions counsellor provided through the health region, and they’re going to meet by phone regularly since he works on the road and can’t make it in every week. So that’s a good start, and we’ll take it from there.
One thing that came up a lot at the Gam-Anon meeting was putting titles in the non-CG’s name. They explained that because we’re a communal property jurisdiction, they still have a right to half the property in the case of divorce or anything, but it prevents creditors from putting leans against the property in the event that the gambler accrues debt they can’t pay off. I mentioned it to my CG but he freaked out and swore he would never put a lean againt the house, but I don’t think he understands that he wouldn’t have a choice, they would just do it. I’m going to talk to him about that again, specifically to say that if he ever goes behind my back and gets credit again, THEN I’d want to put the properties in my name so they can’t take them. As in, I’m not going to push for it right now, but I want him to know that’s my plan if he decides to do something stupid again like getting credit behind my back.20 November 2017 at 3:28 pm #6031
Well done collecting knowledge on the addiction to gamble, it will certainly help you cope.
I certainly say that it is the gamble that is the addiction and it has nothing to do with money. Gambling is taking risk, participating in something that might ‘win’ might lose but whichever way it goes, it is the actual gamble that creates the excitement in the brain that causes them to be unable to walk away. Winning and losing fuel the addiction; winning because it gives a CG the tool to gamble further and losing because the addicted brain has to chase the loss. It is the action of gambling that generates the chemicals that juice the CG brain. A ‘win’ to a CG is merely a chance to continue indulging their addiction, so no excitement, a loss is another failure so no excitement but the actual gamble was powerful and it is that feeling that is desired again and again, ad infinitum.
Being F&F does not mean that everyone is kind and trying to do the right thing. I remember ladies in Gam-anon who wanted their husbands to gamble again because they said they had become boring; others hated their CG spouses but were hanging in to make their lives miserable. There were many though who were there to learn by sharing and many who were only too willing to help others. I heard some wonderful outcomes and those were the ones I hung on.
Another way of looking at your husband being prevented from getting a charge put against your property is to explain gently to him that by putting the property in your name it protects him as well as you.
I was fortunate Leda that when my CG changed his life he was willing to help me when I took a course in addiction counselling. He explained to me so many of the things that I had never understood even when it meant telling me that when I thought he was doing something good when he was active – he wasn’t. This has meant that I have not been following the wrong leads when it comes to understanding. I think it is great that you are gaining understanding but I hope you will keep posting your findings so that we can share our knowledge.
I look forward to an update
Velvet27 November 2017 at 5:41 pm #6032
My husband hasn’t gambled recently, so that’s good, but I’m still uneasy. He seems to be feeling depressed, although that could just be loneliness since I’ve been travelling these past 2 weeks.
He took what he called a “calculated risk” by going into a bar that has VLT’s to have some beers with his friend. I don’t think there’s anything remotely “calculated” about that risk and I think it was just stupid. I should be relieved that he didn’t gamble, but I’m actually more afraid by it, because I know how he thinks. He’ll take this as a “victory” over gambling, and it will give him a false sense of security. It’s not any kind of victory, in fact if anything, I think it’s regression and him going back into that stage of his illness where he thinks he’s recovered.
Meanwhile, he’s still not confronting his feelings about his daughter. She just had her baby, but they’re still not talking. He stubbornly refuses to reach out to her, because she was the one who told him to **** off and not talk to her. She very well might still feel that way, but he’s obviously feeling some longing for a relationship for her. That might not be possible, since obviously she has just as much say in whether that happens, but unless he reaches out, he doesn’t know. If he reached out and was rejected, at least then he would *know* and he could then get the therapy he obviously needs to deal with the natural feelings that are going to come up when your own daughter rejects you. Instead he’s completely avoiding it all, and just getting more and more depressed.
That, in turn, also triggers feelings of resentment towards me. Right now, I’m learning how to make web pages and trying to start a business with that, but it’s slow-going and not currently profitable. He’s the only one working, and while that never bothered him before, his words and tone more recently indicate that he’s feeling resentful about it. I think he always just coped with this by going out and spending his hard-earned money on slot machines… his distorted thinking process was that then at least HE was the one spending the money he earned, even if it was just him flushing it down the toilet.
I’m getting back tonight. We probably won’t talk much about it tonight because I’d rather reconnect and just have some time together, but later this week I definitely want to talk to him about this whole daughter thing. He obviously needs to DO SOMETHING about that, because he’s going around in circles and getting more and more depressed about it, and that’s just pointless.
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