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  • #6252
    AAA
    Participant
    It felt like a bomb went off when I got the phone call saying his credit was in the toilet and had to come off the mortgage. His credit card was over limit and overdue.  I thought he had 5000$ max.  He was forced by this call to confess that he’s gotten more credit, redirected corresponding mail, and managed to loose 60 000$ over the last 2 years without me having any idea. Naturally I feel pretty stupid and very betrayed. 
    Here we are 2 months later.  I’m still waiting on some legal papers.  Lawyers are sooooo slow.  I’ve been getting all my $ protection in place.  We both started individual  counseling right away, something he always 100% refused in a past for any reason.  
    He’s very remorseful. He’s accepted full responsibility, has never blamed me in any way, has gotten $ help and is on a budget to pay every penny back. He has self excluded from casinos. Really right now he will do just about anything i ask.  He’s not however interested in groups. I’m leaving that one to his counseling for now.  
    We have an amazing, beautiful, very happy 5year old daughter. I don’t want to burst her bubble. Luckily we are both level headed enough not to fight, argue etc around her.  She was of course picking up on the tension between us, the lack of affection, the added appointments… I worry so much about how this will affect her.  I feel like once all the papers are signed I’ll be ready to separate, even if only temporarily so I can clear my head.  So I can see if he’s really changing or just scared to loose us. How can I tell if he will genuinely change ??? He’s made 1-2 comments that make me think he MIGHT be considering bringing up his childhood in therapy. But he knows that’s exactly what I want to hear too.  He’s 50yrs old.  Has told me bits and pieces but otherwise has never spoken to ANYONE about it. 
    #6253
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hello AAA

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

    Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

    Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #6254
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi AAA
    Whether you were aware of your partner’s excessive gambling, or not, you are not stupid. He has an addiction that he neither asked for, nor wanted but which thrives on secrecy due to a blinkered belief that given time it will be ok. Unfortunately what he would not have aware of is that his addiction would get worse if it wasn’t treated.
    I cannot tell you what to do because all decisions must be yours but informed decisions, in my opinion, lead to better outcomes. Separating might not give you the answer you want so please be sure you know that what you are doing is right for you and is what you really want.
    50 is a good age to reflect on any damage that has gone before and to commit to a better future. Many compulsive gamblers have unresolved problems in their lives, so I hope he will use this counselling opportunity to deal with things that are possibly affecting his behaviour in a negative way.
    Is his counsellor ‘addiction aware’ because in my view your partner needs specialist care and understanding?
    Children do pick up on tension but maybe now that you are both gaining knowledge of his addiction it will be easier for you to talk – fighting and arguments do not help to deal with this addiction.
    Well done writing your first post, I hope you will keep posting and that you will know that you are understood here. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that his addiction can be controlled and an amazing life lived as a result.
    He was betrayed when he first gambled for fun, as most of us have done at some time or another, he didn’t know that for him addiction was to be his lot. His addiction has caused you to feel betrayal but it can be controlled. Don’t give up hope.
    Velvet

    #6255
    AAA
    Participant

    Thank you Velvet for your positivity. Yes, both our counselors are specific to gambling. I really yo-yo a lot from being hopeful to doubtful, which I know is to be expected. How can I ever trust him again? How do I know his efforts will last? I tell myself- one day at a time— enjoy his efforts while they last—-but I can’t for two minutes trust it will last. I feel like I’m just waiting for him to mess up. I’d love to read some stories with happy endings. How will I ever believe in him without feeling like a fool? Maybe we just need more time…

    #6256
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi AAA

    I have been fortunate to see many, many stories with happy outcomes but unfortunately those member’s posts are not current. Understandably F&F who come out of the shadow of addiction have no need to go back under it or keep writing in our forum – they have good lives to lead and they no longer post, which is as it should be.

    I do have one happy story that I can relate to you and that is my own. The CG in my life was active for 25 years and for 23 of those years I had no idea what was wrong with him – I knew nothing about an addiction to gamble. He reached an age where the damage he had wrought was excessive and we were estranged. I don’t know why on a particular day he reached his mental rock bottom and determined to change his life. I told him, during a painful phone call, about support that I had only just heard about but he still insisted he was ok and not gambling. Two and a half hours later he called to say he had asked for that support and a couple of weeks later he went into rehab.

    It wasn’t an easy time. He had a fight with his demons, the like of which I can only imagine while I had my fight with doubt, confusion and fear – the yo-yo spun uncontrollably every day.

    He has now been living a wonderful gamble-free life for 12 years. He insists that I accept that he is a CG (compulsive gambler) who can never gamble responsibly. I can live with this and I gave up my fears years and years ago. I trust that he will look after the life he now treasures and he trusts me that I will not dwell in the past but use it for reference only. We never have a need to rake over the active gambling years.

    It is one day at a time, particularly in the early weeks and months and that applies to both of you. Communication is so important – talking about things that are not gambling related is wonderful. I think it is probably wise in these early days not trust him because for a time he will not be able to trust himself. I do believe it is ok to have some hope when a CG accepts his addiction and begin to act responsibly. I suspect you will be waiting  for him to mess up for a whiile and I can only hope, along with you, that he will succeed for himself and thereby for you.

    I think the best thing I ever did, when he had completed his counselling programme, was to ask him to help me to get things right. He took time to talk, I suspect because he didn’t trust that I could or would ever understand him. While he was seeking support I began to learn about his addiction and I was prepared to listen in a way I had probably never done before.

    I hope some of this helps but please keep posting.

    Velvet

    #6257
    Johanna
    Participant

    Thank you, as someone also not knowing whether to get the hell out now or hang in there and try to support him, this helps a lot. AAA I hope you two can work through this and be stronger for it. 

    #6258
    AAA
    Participant

    He’s been so good. Too good to be true…or trusted :(. I’m almost feeling like I’m the one keeping secrets now because while I’m enjoying his attention/affection and all his help around the house that I’ve always wanted, I also feel like I have one foot out the door, just waiting for my $ protection to be in place and the next time he screws up.
    It’s just so out of character for him. He has more drive then even when we first met 17years ago. He jokes that he feels like he’s 20 again. He’s starting projects around the house he’s promised to do years ago. He’s ALWAYS home. He even tags along to go grocery shopping. No hesitation even if I say my sister or girlfriend wants to get together he offers to stay with our daughter. She’s 5. I’ve “gone out” more in the last 3 months than the last 5 years. This is all great. But I’m soooooo suspicious.
    He goes to his gambling counseling. Doesn’t say much about it. I also know his buddy invited him out to play poker this week because I’ve started snooping through his text messages!! He replied that he won’t be gambling again for a long time, if ever. I liked reading that.
    One day at a time…. who knows.

    #6259
    Johanna
    Participant

    the Exuberence is great and also scary, as you just don’t know when it’ll all collapse again, The past weeks back with mine have been the same, he’s been so happy, then hit me with another mini financial crisis and a plea for help with it.

    I feel for you and share the feeling of having one foot out of the door, yet you obviously live him. Mine is currently coping with me being loving but firm about not funding him anymore.
    From this support site, I’ve learnt so much about why things didn’t add up.

    Keep going, keep being loving but firm about your boundaries too. hopefully, this will last and last for you both. and you’ll come through it. How is it with knowing you will always need to ring fence the money though?? :SS ??

    #6260
    AAA
    Participant

    He’s been gamble free for 3 mths. Says he has no urges, doesn’t miss it. He has no interest in telling his counselors or anyone else but me about his childhood abuse. He talks like it’s over now and just wants to get on with life.
    I feel so uncertain about our future. I’m so uncomfortable when he says we’ll do ‘xyz’ To the house or he wants to plan to do this or that in the early future. I just want to scream at him. With what money??? Cause he doesn’t have any anymore. Or that would have been nice if you hadn’t blown all that $. He can’t even afford to join my daughter n I to the zoo. He’s moody too. But doesn’t talk about things.
    How do I go about giving him a chance/time to get himself straightened out without being angry or resentful???

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