[Kate-orla]

Hi

I don’t know if my suspicions are right and would appreciate any advice.

I have been with my partner for 6 years but lived together for 3 years.

everything was fine for the first 12 months living together but then things seemed to change. Money started becoming an issue – little at first where he would ”forget” his card and I would pay. Then it seemed to slowly increase where I noticed he was struggling with money.

he earns a good salary so I could not understand what was happening.

then I discovered a number of debts – letters he had hidden all relating to unpaid bills which was about £10k in total from his previous address. Gas, water, council tax you name it he hadn’t paid it. We also had a bailiff turn up.

i paid the bailiff and he has been paying me back but when I’ve asked how he had so many debts his story is he is just rubbish with money.

anyway this theme then seemed to continue with money and more debts coming in.

we had a huge chat about trust and getting out of debt but that seems to have been more lies as in the last week I’ve found out since this talk he’s got 2 more credit cards and there is a £4K debt on another card.

when I’ve asked him he gives excuses that it’s all the cost of living.

i asked to see his bank account and he’s refused and disappeared.

he has told me (by text) that he is lying to me and I deserve better so I agreed and ended the relationship.

I don’t want to be in the relationship as it’s full of lies but I do still care enough for him to get help.

i sent him a link from this website and told him I think this might help and he’s gone very quiet, despite us texting on friendly terms since the split and he’s normally the type to say if im wrong.

Without going in to detail I’ve ruled out drugs, alcohol and another woman.

maybe I should just walk away but it’s difficult when you love someone. 

when I first found the initial debts he told me he had been having sleepless nights and had once thought about driving his car into a wall.

he told me he went to the doctors after that but I don’t believe him.

from reading this forum I see I have been enabling him.

ive asked him if it’s gambling and of course he’s denied it.

ive never seen him gamble but we do spend some nights apart due to work. What made me think gambling was a conversation we had where he told me about a colleague who gambled and seems to always win. It wasn’t what he said but the way he said it – there was real excitement in his voice.

he seems to have lost interest in most things and he constantly sat with his iPad on his knee.

maybe I should walk away but he was my friend for a long time before we became a couple and he supported me through some personal issues so I’d like to help in some way whilst protecting my own finances.

luckily we don’t have any joint finances.

hes currently staying at a friends as he can’t afford anywhere to live.

am I jumping to conclusions? any advice would be appreciated.

thanks

[velvet]

Hello Kate

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Kate
What I do hear coming across very clearly in your post is that you have every right to be erring on the side of caution.
The fact that you have never seen him gamble does not make it any less likely that this, or something similar, is occurring.
You are safe in that your finances are not joint so it is down to you how you want to proceed with your relationship. Whatever you decide to do, it is important that you protect your finances at all times.
Compulsive gamblers can and do learn to control their addiction and as a result often live incredibly useful lives, sometimes, in my view, all the better for having the courage to overcome something so awful as an addiction to gamble.
Your friend could certainly do with a friend like you, someone who knows his probably secret and is prepared to stand by him without allowing herself to be controlled by his addiction. It is important to consider your own health and happiness first, however, because the road to overcoming this addiction is tough for both the gambler and the loved one.
Directing compulsive gamblers to good support is invaluable. He probably won’t thank you for it but it is quite possible that he doesn’t know that there is help and understanding for him. We have terrific support on this site and he would be very welcome
I suggest that if your want to keep a relationship with this man that you stay close to support too. You would be welcome in the F&F groups which are on Tuesdays and Thursdays 10pm – 11pm; nothing said in the group appears on the forum and it is good to ‘talk’ in real time.
I would never tell anybody to leave or to stay in a relationship with a compulsive gambler, I believe that each individual has to make their own choice. I would be misleading you if I said that all outcomes were fantastic but I do know of wonderful relationships and very special people who are compulsive gamblers but who do control their addiction,
Speak soon
Velvet

[Kate-orla]

Hi Velvet
Thank you so much for your response.

My friend sent me a text thanking me for the email with the link to this website and said he had looked at it with no further comment.
After that he apologised for his behaviour saying he is an idiot. I have told him he is not an idiot but someone who has an addiction and in need of professional help.
I’ve told him when and if he is ready to admit he has an addiction there is amazing help out there but only he can make that decision.
He just said thanks – knowing him as I do that is the closest I will get to him confirming it (hopefully for now).

This forum has been so helpful and made me realise that there is no point me trying to make him get help as he’s got to want it.
It’s got to be his decision and I will offer what support I can but I also realise I am important too. So at the moment I’m keeping a bit of distance.
Our work overlaps but we are in different locations so can be done by email.

Again thank you – and the forum is an honest insight into how an addiction effects not only the CG but F&F.

Kate

[velvet]

Hi Kate

It would be great if you could update in the not-too-distant future and let me know how things worked out for you.

Your partner is lucky to have you on his side, even if he doesn’t appreciated it yet.

I wish you both well .

Velvet

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