14 February 2014 at 2:31 am #3266
As I was driving to the grocery store today I was wondering if the Valentine’s card I sent my daughter would get to her in time. Which reminded me that today is 2/13. Which is (or would be) my 30th wedding anniversary. I hadn’t thought about this until then. The day has no meaning for me other than being the day I made the worst decision of my life. I am always glad when it goes unnoticed by yours truly. I thought about posting on the site but then decided not to because I thought to myself “what’s the use, nothing is changing other than another year having gone by”. So I went home, had coffee with my “still” hb, fed the dogs and sat down with my ipad. And then my radio station, the one I never change, played Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean.”. They never do, I haven’t heard the song in a loooong time. It was “our” song. We danced to it in our favorite club, where we met in the first place, all the time. Being with friends, being in love, being carefree and happy and so full of hope. Or so I thought. Hearing it opened the flood gates. All of them. I do a really good job avoiding memories and thoughts of times past and all the other stuff that still leads to nothing but hurt, pain and tears. But this was too much. And I was thinking that even the good memories I have are not really good. Because my hb was not who I thought he was. He was lying even then about a lot of things, connected to his gambling but also other things that he did not want to tell me because he wanted to avoid anything uncomfortable. So here I sit looking back thinking about the gigantic monster of a lie, of deceit, of pretending something that never existed. Our life together was built on quicksand and I am still drowning in it. He has his recovery and I am very glad he does. I pretend to be someone I am not. To care about things I don’t give a damn about. I have said it many times but I will say it again, sorry: all that is left is waiting for my life to be over. No, I am not suicidal. Just not alive. I am dead inside. No matter what anyone says, all doors are shut, there is no way out anymore. I am tired of fighting, feeling empty and defeated at last. Everything that would define recovery for me is based on emotions of course. I don’t have a real concept of emotions, other than anger, sadness and the likes. I don’t connect with people on an emotional level, no matter how hard I try. Facts and reality are the only concepts I understand. I am brain driven. I said this all before but had to put it in writing because it took this addiction for me to figure out what is going on with me and has been all my life. I have a doctor’s appointment next month and will make a last attempt to get a referral for a comprehensive diagnostic assessment to FINALLY find out why I am so different from everyone else I know. Why I prefer to think and not to feel. It will not solve my problems but I am in desperate need to understand myself. I don’t like to admit it to others but for me, material things are and always have been more important than people. The losses I experienced (my home, my car, my other belongings) hurt me way more than the failure of my marriage. Scary to say it out loud here but it is the truth. I have to live with it. And understanding the why will put my mind at ease. I am not a psychopath, I’m just different. I don’t have to try anymore to create some feelings I don’t have. There, I said it. Thanks for letting me vent. Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone out there in cyber space! 🙂14 February 2014 at 8:11 am #3267san250Participant
Sending you a cyber (((HUG))). I really hope your doctor will give you a referral so you can find the answers you desperately seek.
Maybe there will be a medical answer to how you feel, if so I hope they find it and offer you some relief/treatement.
The path I took when dealing with my own sham of a 25 year marriage eventually took me to another aspect of life I was not even aware of. I was full of ‘feelings’ that had been opressed and hidden first from my father and then from my ex husband. So at 45 years of age I was deprived of any feeling, numb, dead inside. I was eventually diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have not looked back since. I don’t believe people are born without feelings, something happens in life for you to bury them and then it can feel like we don’t have any. You may have to go back a very long way, for me it was when I was 9 month’s old that shaped me and the life I’ve had! I hope you find your release soon and can start to enjoy life again. The other side is a wonderful place 🙂
Good Luck Nomore and happy valentine’s day. Best wishes San x14 February 2014 at 1:11 pm #3268velvetModerator
I wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day and you will be the only person I will say that to because I don’t (and never have) subscribed to the occasion. I don’t understand sending Valentines or receiving them, nor do I understand the sentiment behind the day. I am not comparing my feelings about Valentine’s Day to your marriage but what I hope to convey is that we are all unique and it is your uniqueness that makes you who you are and determines where you go from here. I have welcomed your practical approach to others on the site which comes from your uniqueness.
I know you have had dreadful things happen in your life but I believe, like San, that we are not born to be full of woe. I hope the doctor helps you find your release so that the rest of your life can be more fulfilling.
We are all made up of different highs and lows, successes and failures – how we deal with them depends on all that went before in our unique lives as well as our unique biological make-up. Every one of us is a work in progress but sometimes that progress stalls or is stalled by external events. Kick-starting the next phase is often difficult and again we deal with it uniquely and many of us need a leg-up to get going again.
I am glad you have not given up on ‘you’. What I hope most for you is that you get to know and love the person you are looking for because she deserves to be loved. Maybe love is a concept you find difficult and yet you show love when you help others and I know you love your daughter and your dogs.
I am pleased you knew where to vent
Velvet14 February 2014 at 7:20 pm #3269
Thank you San and Velvet for your kind words. I agree with you, Velvet, Valentine’s day is just another one of those days where we are supposed to engage in shopping sprees. It is a good example for me learning by observing what one is supposed to do I guess? Actually there are people that are wired to have few or no emotions. Or just certain ones. I have felt weird my whole life because I tried to be like all the other people, caring about others, family, friends and so on. I learned to say all the right words and do all the right things but always knew that I just played a role somehow. I have been called cold hearted many times and kept thinking something is wrong with me. Not anymore. This is who I am. I have never deliberately hurt anyone so it’s ok with me not be a loving, compassionate person. What I’m looking for right now is just an explanation. Whether it is the way I was raised in an unemotional, not very loving environment or a personality disorder of some kind will just satisfy my curiosity. I always ask for the “how” and “why” and need to understand everything intellectually. When I first learned about Asperger’s syndrom and worked with a boss who has a full-blown version of this, I felt like coming home. I have educated myself about this and it all fits. My mom even provided me with missing puzzle pieces about my early childhood. I don’t believe in self-diagnosis so I want to do a proper assessment. I will accept the outcome no matter what it is. Velvet, I do love my daughter and my dogs. To the best of my ability. But I often still feel emotionally very distant and I hurt for my child because she deserves better. But I have perfected my acting so well, that I can hide my being dead inside very well by now. And I’m ok with it. My practical approach to other non-cgs posts is the only logical one for me. I look at the posts in awe and wonder why someone would talk about loving the cg after all the hurt and pain he/she created and I cannot understand it. But I understand why I think this way and I always hope that practical stuff might help. I don’t think I ever loved my hb. I don’t know what it would feel like and my relationships were always based on other needs or whatever you want to call it. I talked to him about it and he understands me. What is left is my situation, the part that has nothing to do with people or feelings. Let’s face it, if my financial situation would be different among other things, I would be able to find some peace of mind and contentment. I don’t aim for happiness and I’m ok with that as well. The addiction has forced me to take a good look at myself and I no longer wonder what would have been if I only…..insert a variety of what I should have been or done right here….That’s a good thing. I hope this doctor will listen to me but the health care system here is very basic and pills are the answer for everything. I have to be prepared for a long battle because what I want and need is too expensive and meds are cheaper. Go figure…Have a great weekend15 February 2014 at 11:28 am #3270ellParticipant
hello no more
i missed all your posts …i missed you
i wish the appointment with the doctor to be the start to find your answers . To not give up on you and still try to find your answers is the big step . you are always in my thoughts .And dont forget that you are a person that easily can be loved , you are a nice kind and good woman no more . All the others can see that!
with all my love
ell15 February 2014 at 1:54 pm #3271twilight16Participant
Good morning Nomore,
Just read your post hoping in the next month you’ll be closer to the answers you seek. I think it is great that you are looking to find what makes you connect to anger, sadness and despair as you seem so unhappy about your life and situation. No one should feel they are waiting for their life to be over. Life truly is a gift and I do hope you will feel the same way one day.
There are parts that you have written that remind me of a dear friend I have. She prefers to think than feel, like you and is always looking at facts when making a decision. It is like her heart can’t be trusted and I have often mentioned this, but she does not want to hear it and says that is how she is. I have always respected that about her because she truly is a unique person (an artist) and I have often believed she is just misunderstood by many. And somehow this has contributed to her unhappiness; it hasn’t been until recently that we talked about our childhoods. She knows of the struggles I had with my cg father and I am beginning to know hers, the one she has guarded for many years.
She lost her mother at a young age; she was never told that her mother passed. It was always said that her mother was away and I believe this did more damage to her than just telling her the truth. She missed her mother terribly and because her father worked so much she was passed to aunts that were mean to her. She cried for hours and so did I. She believed that her mother left her and didn’t love her. She carried believing the lie she thought was the truth. I have seen a change in her and she is not as frigid and cold about her feelings; there now seems to be a lighter side of her coming out one that has her smiling more than I have ever seen her. Maybe this will also happen to you. I do hope there is something within you that will come out and you will be free of the chains that hold your happiness prisoner.
In regards to your husband when you married him 30 years ago, you were marrying the man you thought he was. I don’t think it is fair to yourself to say that it was the worst mistake of your life. You had no idea what he was hiding. I would take that guilt and throw it to the garbage. It is not your fault and I believe if you just let go of this you will be better off. It is like you are punishing yourself; you could have not prevented this.
You are who you because that is how it is, and as life passes we will always have hiccups along the way as well as moments of pure joy and love. It is a gift that you can express how you are feeling and are seeking answers to change your life around. I know your daughter would want to know that her mother is truly happy.
Thinking of you,
Twilight15 February 2014 at 8:55 pm #3272
Thank you both for your encouragement, Ell and Twilight. Since I have been looking for the what and why for a long time now, I have “taken apart” my life. The whole thing started really early. My parents were and still are very unemotional, no wonder, they grew up during the war in Germany. There was no expression of love ever, just survival was important in many ways for us. My mom told me that even though she tried, she could not get close to me. I started very early to refuse physical contact and there is no real reason for this. I was not abused in any way and my sister, who grew up in the same environment is a completely different person than I. I am aware of all the things that might explain my personality, big and small. But it never added up. I used to compare it with a severed spinal cord, no connection between my brain and my feelings. The thing is that I cannot even imagine how it would be to feel what others feel. I don’t grasp the concepts at all. That’s why I want to find out what is actually going on. I know my good sides very well and also my flaws and shortcomings and today my attitude is take it or leave it. I’m fine with either one. Everything is black or white, yes or no, no gray areas, no compromises. I love logic and common sense and cannot understand why others don’t see things this way, because it is so logical for me. It might very well be that it is just an unholy mix of genetics, upbringing and life experience. I just need to know. As for my marriage Twilight, yes, I married the man I thought he was. But there were warning signs I chose to ignore. Very early on I realized that my hb didn’t like to tell the truth about a lot of things. I didn’t know about the gambling back then but for the first time in my life I decided to ignore the gut feeling I had and my brain telling me that this is not good. I had a choice in the very beginning to just call it quits and didn’t do it. When I found out about the gambling, I continued to just live with the madness cz I had no clue how bad this addiction really is. There were plenty of times when I could have prevented myself from being dragged to the place I am in right now. And deep down inside I knew that there was something really bad coming my way. Can’t explain it, I just knew. One thing I did right was raising my daughter. She grew up to be a very delightful and good person. She graduated from college and has a good job. She knows that she can rely on me and that I will support her. She was the reason I developed tunnel vision and just did what I had to do. I am proud of myself that I did not give in or up and did what I could for her. As for the mistake, I am not a person who should be married in the first place. Took me a while to realize that I am better off living alone. I don’t really like someone in my personal space. Live and learn. I hope that the fog will lift should I be able to convince the doctors that nothing will get better unless I get the assessment out of the way.16 February 2014 at 7:09 pm #3273jenny46Participant
we can never feel what others feel because we are not them and they are not us.
I feel a tad dead inside of late unsurprising really !!
If I am to have an awakening it will not be through a card it will be through meeting someone who is worthy of my trust and deserving of my company.
Anything less is just not good enough and I wish the same for you xx
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