[Horsegirl]

Hello all,
New to all of this. I’ve been in a relationship with a man I think at the least has a gambling problem.
Con someone take a guess or relate to my life at all?
Week Leading up to payday , vague about making plans . Payday , no contact even if he says he will call, until basically the middle of the night wanting to come over.
Following week , apologies and more contact . Following weekend , he has absolutely no money , not for gas even . He spends the weekend with me , then during the week he tries to manipulate me into bringing him smokes and give him gas money. Which shame on me I have done multiple times.
So now here I sit on Saturday night of payday , broken promise of calling yesterday and when he contacted me this morning it was like nothing happened.
I am feeling so rejected and used. Rinse and repeat every two weeks. He Promises every Payday he will give me some money he owes me , but I never see it as he basically avoids me until he is broke.
I believe he has an alcohol problem as well. I am so broken and don’t know what to do. We have so much fun together

[velvet]

Hello Horsegirl

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

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[velvet]

Hi Horsegirl

I saw your post as I was closing down for the night and I will reply asap.
In the meantime I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ so that you can see that the situation you have found yourself in is understood and recognised.

Velvet

[Horsegirl]

Thanks !  I will look for it .. I am really struggloing 

[velvet]

Hi Horsegirl
I understand why you feel rejected but when a compulsive gambler feels compelled to indulge his addiction, he rejects and hurts himself. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you did, or what you said, your partner has lost his way and until he finds himself he will not have the mental capacity to take responsibility for your feelings.
It is very likely that when he made promises to you, he meant them but as soon as the addiction beast was triggered his promises became worthless.
His behaviour is typical of a man with a gambling addiction and now it is down to you what you are going to do. If you continue to enable him with smokes and gas money you will be feeding his addiction and I know that is not what you want to do. The addiction to gamble is not about money – your partner will view money as a means to an end and the end is ‘the gamble’. Every time a gambling debt is cleared, in whole or part, the gambler can forget that debt and gamble again – it is a never ending circle and friends and family often get caught up in it. You should not feel ashamed of what has gone before, you trusted your partner and you didn’t understand what was making him behave as he has been doing.
Your partner will say anything to get money to gamble; he will lie to cover his addiction; he will not be considering your feelings but he will probably not be meaning to hurt you.
I think that maybe it would be good if you told your partner that you have sought help so that he can see that you are taking his problem seriously, even if he is not. Perhaps you could download the 20-Questions from the Gambler’s Anonymous website for him. It might help him to recognise that his behaviour is unacceptable.
Alcohol problems often go hand-in-hand with the addiction to gamble. Alcohol lowers the gambler’s resistance and the gamble takes priority.
The most important thing you can do Horsegirl is protect your own emotions and finances. You do matter, you are unique and special and you don’t deserve this treatment but sadly your partner has an addiction that he neither asked for nor wanted.
Put yourself together first, renew any friendships you may have ignored because of worrying about your partner’s problem, renew hobbies and interests, anything that takes you away from thoughts of gambling and allows you to live in control of your life again.
Please post again, you are understood here, you are not alone and I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
Your partner can control his addiction but he does need support.
I wish you peace this Christmas.
Velvet

[Horsegirl]

What a lovely message thank you .  I’ve not heard from him ,but I found Out he is alive so there is that.  I’ve been feeling so rejected thru this whole relationship but today, I kind of had a revalation.  I prayed for him , for his health and for his wisdom to see he can end his suffering by getting help. I love him, but I am taking this silence as a sign that he is not capable of having a healthy relationship and he knows it.  Or maybe he is not interested anymore because I have begun to not enable him .  I don’t know…. still so many questions of why, but I will probably never know. 

[joan91]

I can relate to this completely. This is how I’d direct the cycle to my partner of 9 years.

You create a dramatic sympathy-provoking situation after you fail to keep your word to make repayments or when you know that your disappearance has angered, hurt or disappointed me.
You become irritable, childish and demanding when you don’t get what you want (money) or when something interferes with getting what you want (money to gamble). You adopt a “poor-me” attitude, love to play the blame game and manipulate me in giving in to your sob stories and financially rescuing you. You are totally unrecognisable during this period of the cycle, to the point where i wonder where you’ve gone.
Like a flip of a switch, you become kind, calm and pleading once you’ve blown your week’s wages and are in desperate need of money again. Being flat broke makes you dish out words of affection to further evoke sympathy and understanding in order to help you get by for the week.
Promises to repay are made, loved ones are sworn upon and so money is lent.

The week of borrowing has come and gone. Pay day has now arrived. Excuses are sometimes set early during the day to act as a perfect cover up for the night ahead.
Phone calls are missed. Text messages are ignored. Feelings of betrayal and self-hate sky rocket. Tears are shed, food is untouched. The need to distance myself as far away as possible becomes unbearable. Doubt about things ever improving floods my mind. Every excuse is scrutinised and calculated. My suspicions about his true whereabouts rise along with my gut. Promises that were made earlier in the week have been forgotten. Intentions to fulfil those promises are suddenly not so important anymore. Because cash has arrived and the more for yourself, the merrier you’ll be.

Feelings of thankfulness and appreciation for having lent you money for food, fuel & lunch during the week no longer exists. Exploitation sets in and the cycle ends only to restart and repeat itself every.single.fucking.week.

[Author]

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