Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • #9226
    razzabelle
    Participant

    Hello Everyone!  Since I KNEW that my DISEASE of compulsive gambling was/is taking over my life; I took a hiatus from the board.  Denial?  Not really….more of a "let’s throw caution to the wind" and keep on playing until you hit rock bottom.  LOL….knock on the head…"How many times do I NEED to hit my rock bottom?"….I have missed the lovely encouraging support this board offers.  I have actually thought of many of you while I have been busily destroying myself at the Devils Playground (casino/racino)……I have gained 10lbs. (don’t know how since we NEVER have food)…since I stopped posting.  To get extra money to throw away in the slots I have been very wicked to my core.  I have suffered the shame and humiliation to trade my body for someone to pay my water bill.  I have lied SO many times to my children and parents.  I have sold off precious heirlooms.  I have missed countless work days.  I have plotted and schemed my way out of many financial woes.  I have gained weight; I have STOPPED cleaning my precious home ….I have neglected my kitties by canceling their vet appointments.  I have bill collectors harassing me.  I had to stop paying for parking and must park my car in the WORST part of town with a mile hike to work ….(maybe I can shed some of those lbs?)….Oh Friends, this disease has made me a mere shell of what I once was…No tears now.  I KNOW what I need to do….NO MORE GAMBLING….NO MORE GAMBLING.  I will not gamble today.  Thank You for Letting me Speak Today…..Big Hugs to ALL….Razzabelle xxxxxYou Get What You Give

    #9227
    danchaser
    Participant

    We can’t let our guard down for a moment, can we?
    Welcome back (not that I knew you were gone (being new here and all), but still))!
    I’ll tell ya, Gambler Anonymous meetings didn’t work for me because I didn’t like attending them and found myself rolling my eyes too often.  However, with that said, I do believe compulsive gamblers need each other.  Desperately, in fact. 
    I sure hope this site lives up to the standard I’ve assigned it.  I plan on posting and reading here regularly because I sincerely believe that if I don’t stay proactive and consistent in my recovery, it simply won’t last.
    Here’s hoping you also aspire to do the same – and we both make it.

    #9228
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hi Razzabelle
    Welcome back to GT, I believe that there is one important line in Dancasers reply" I do believe compulsive gamblers need each other"
    I like many tried Gamblers Anonymous and believed dit was wrong for me, although I stuck with it… it didnt seem to work. It took me along time to realise why GA didnt work, It wasnt GA it was me who simply wasnt open to some parts and ways GA worked.
    After many years I eneded up in a rehab, Ive now been clean for many years but the point is I now go to GA, I now understand GA, I can see through the parts that before where a hinderance. Gamblers anonymous does work… its not for everyone but if all you get from it is a sense that your not alone and use other methods of recovery then that time spent at GA is time worth spening.
    Take Care
    Harry25 year poker player, 25 year Hierarchal fool, 25 year ego boost…  Intellectualisation was my down fall, simplicity was my salvation

    #9229
    danchaser
    Participant

    Can you imagine being the only compulsive gambler out there, Harry?  Insanity would be a definite.
    Knowing I’m not alone – not some degenerate freak – and that others like me have been able to take control over their own addiction is literally the only thing that gives me hope and solace. 
    I sincerely believe our purpose now includes each other.  Without stories and examples from those of you who are succeeding, I’d feel very differently about my chances for a similar outcome.
    Sorry to be blunt, but I thank you for your addiction because it has the potential to now help mine.

    #9230
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Danchaser… for 25 years I was the only compulsive gambler out there , funny since I found recovery 7 years ago I now know soooo many CG’s in recovery.
    Personally Im not ashamed of my addiction in fact it gave me the chance to build a me that I liked so for that Im grateful, I dont wear a T-Shirt shouting out "Im a CG" but to me a huge part of my recovery was accepting what I had become and what I wanted to be… when I knew the answers I had a starting point, almost a map of the pathway I needed to take to allow my recovery to take shape.
    H
     25 year poker player, 25 year Hierarchal fool, 25 year ego boost…  Intellectualisation was my down fall, simplicity was my salvation

    #9231
    danchaser
    Participant

    I so wish I was in your abstinent shoes.
    I’ll tell you something, even though I’ve failed multiple ***** at quitting, I can attest to having learned something new and useful each time.  This time I recognize a complacency trigger and also – and possibly even more important – I’ve learned humility.  I can’t do this without outside help.  Even though I said this before, I didn’t mean it.  I was just saying the phrase without fully appreciating it’s meaning.
    This last time I quit (2 year abstinence), up until the end of the first year point, I listened to the gut-wrenching stories of others who were coming off a binge and it helped to jolt me back there with them.  Then, after about a year, I be***ved I had beaten it.  It was over and done with.  I would *** to myself and say "I don’t even have the urge any more, how awesome of me.  I don’t need any outside influence, I’ve got this".  Terrible, terrible ***s.
    This addiction is so very real and powerful.  I saw it in myself just two days ago.  Gambling like a desperate fiend, throwing caution to the wind while convinced I knew what I was doing.  Not until I left the casino in that all too familiar losing walk to my car did I begin to grasp the realization of where I had arrived, once again.
    I now understand I can’t do this alone, forever.  I may be able to go stretches, but over the long-haul, if I don’t remind myself on a regular basis of just how damaging I can be to myself and those around me – bolstered by the stories of tragedy and hope of others, to remind me of mine – I will be back there.  I’m so convinced of this that any doubt is entirely negated.  I desperately hope my fear of relapse, coupled with regular and consistent communication with other recovering addicts and the constant reminder that I must always be on guard, will be my salvation from this path of absolute destruction.
    I’ve had bouts of addictions in my life, some small and some not-so-small, with alcohol and *****, and have been able to rid my life of them.  But nothing – and I mean NOTHING – has compared to the hill that has to be climbed to put this compulsive gambling into remission. 

    #9232
    razzabelle
    Participant

    danchaser, harry…..thank you for insight…I specifically related to Danchasers tale of "the losing walk to the car"…..I had a horrible day today. Just NO money to get food for the cats…small thing I guess…no toilet paper in the house either….getting paid Friday, but whole check goes for mortgage …..took s few Xanax to try and sleep my self to never never land.  Do people really kill themselves over this addiction?  Probably…..if I had the guts I would….too much embarrassment to my kids/parents/…..I feel like SUCH a loser….so hopeless…..please pray for us all….You Get What You Give

    #9233
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hi Razzabelle
    One thing your not is a loser, just coming here tells me that… what Id love to hear from you is "What can you do" "how can you help yourself"
    Razz were support you 100% but you need to talk, put up barriers, open up and let us help & be honest about what you want for the future and set some realistic ways of getting there.
    Take Care
    H25 year poker player, 25 year Hierarchal fool, 25 year ego boost…  Intellectualisation was my down fall, simplicity was my salvation

    #9234
    danchaser
    Participant

     
    Good point, Harry. 
    Many (if not most) of the compulsive gamblers I know are not ‘losers’ in the classical sense that we unfortunately ascribe to our fellow brothers and sisters.  But we are losers at gambling.
    Let’s be honest, we wouldn’t be here if we weren’t in the red from gambling.  Of course, if this were ever the case (gambler’s winning AND taking it home with them), the casinos would simply remove all the tables and machines.  I’ve even witnessed gamblers who were anything but compulsive, win substantial sums.  But in the end, and over time, they too give it all back…with interest.  This is precisely why the casinos never sweat.  To the contrary, they spend vast sums to bring even the most experienced players to their casino.  Do they appreciate a reality we don’t?  Yep.
    The crucial ingredient in the creation of a compulsive gambler (in my opinion) is someone who has not only won a substantial sum, but one who has done so multiple ***** and/or consistently, only to give it all back and then chase the losses, because (unlike the casual gambler) time and time again, they have proven to themselves that they can win.  So, ‘loser’ in he classical sense of never winning?  No, this does not fit.  In fact, compulsive gamblers usually have gambling ‘skills’ – the ability to win – in far greater capacity than just your average gambler. 
    Personal example: The LA Dodgers (of whom I’m not even a fan of) are currently on an 8 game winning streak and have won something like 38 of their last 45 games.  My plan (latest gambling rationale) was to bet on them every day, but also bet on no other team and absolutely NOT hit the blackjack table.  I followed the plan for many weeks.  It was (is) a profitable and logical gambling plan.  At this point, my ever-increasing bet amount would have been gloriously high and I’d be raking it in daily.  Weekly, I’d be up somewhere in the 200-300% range of the week’s bet total.  Funny twist though, I’m not up, I’m down.  Not just down for the week, I’ve lost of all the winnings, PLUS the original investment, PLUS thousands on top of that, even though the entire time I was cashing in my winning stubs for the Dodger’s bets.  Sure, I can win…for a while, but in the end, I’ll never keep it because my compulsion will not allow it.
    My compulsion simply does not afford me the desired outcome, no matter how meager, reasonable or grand. I believe this is true for not only most compulsive gamblers, but all compulsive gamblers.  The unfortunate reality is that even if a compulsive gambler won a million dollars, whatever wasn’t frivolously spent would be right back in the casino’s hands before a year’s time had passed (if not sooner).
    Today I’m beginning the fourth day of my newfound recovery.  My third day was not that easy.  I was very tired.  I believe my exhaustion was from mental anguish, coupled with the fighting to think positive, and physical lack of sleep.  I didn’t feel as positive as I had about never gambling again and those familiar, ultimately disastrous thoughts crept back into my head.  Thoughts like "Well, you don’t necessarily have to quit forever.  One day, after you’ve gone a long time without gambling and thus have a fatter bank roll, you can go back and hit ’em hard and fast.  But this time, you’ll stick to the script."  It’s imperative that I find a way to dismiss entirely this insane notion.  This part of me is not well. 

    #9235
    razzabelle
    Participant

    Friday Night……casino night not for me.  Chasing losses….being manipulated by my own mental frenzy of anticipating a "big win"…..did JUST THAT two weeks ago on July 27th, a Friday night.  Was up 3200 @ midnight….by 6 am when they were running the sweepers and the "Garda" van was outside the casino, I was digging in my pockets for dollar bills and change to gas up b4 returning home.  I paid my mortgage today, I got some food (for the animals too)….paid the water company….not in too bad a financial place.  But why doesn’t anyone warn us of the "letdown’" of intelligent actions of not gambling.  I feel very confused by it all….and I HAVE NOT gone home with any winnings in months.  Quite the opposite; I consider it an excellent night if I am only down 100 dollars or so…..Harry, I am trying…..I am NOT gambling today and I DO NOT feel like such a loser…..You Get What You Give

    #9236
    neva
    Participant

    Good for you razza!  You already know that winning just buys you more gambling time.  We can never walk out a winner so what’s the point of stepping footing in a casino?  Keep your hard earned money to yourself and you’ll be a winner for that.  Weekends are hard for me.  I’ll join you in not gambling…ODAAT.

    #9237
    razzabelle
    Participant

    Saturday…..keeping a low profile….almost 8pm on the East Coast….Primetime for going to Casino….I WILL NOT compromise the pride I feel for something so insignificant as being "caught up" with my bills….lol…Being caught up USED to be just a part of life BEFORE I started ******* away my hard earned monies.  Neva, I am with YOU….NO GAMBLING Today…..If I have to CHAIN myself to a chair; NO GAMBLING TODAY 🙂  hope everyone has a gamble free Saturday evening!You Get What You Give

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