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    • #26611
      izzi25
      Participant

      Hello, I AM BACK!!! words I wish I would never have to say again and yet here I am saying them. I think it has almost been two years since I posted. So here is a shortened summary of my time away. Dec 2012; It was going to be and supposed to be the last TIME I would EVER gamble AGAIN! I hit rock bottom like never before and was even considering suicide. Decided not to go through with such a irrational action and instead come clean and confess to my dad (as I had yet once again steal his money in my cheer desperation). And as the story goes dad was absolutely furious and kicked me out. Fortunately my dad asked me to come back home shortly after and he did not tell any of my siblings(otherwise I would have been disowned fr sure). And so for the next six months at least I was clean, in fact I got accepted to study in the US and I was saving up for that. And then it all began, one outing here, one outing their and the losses began. Thankful my will was strong and I didn’t go into more debt and I stopped. The last month leading up to going to the US everything was PERFECT. During my time in the US, I could not cg because where I was staying in an area where there was no cg places. Yet where their is a will there is a way and I decided to gamble via ****** ****. I relapsed maybe 5 or 6 times using ****** ****, didn’t lose large chunks but it made the rest of my stay not the greatest in the US. In May I returned home and I automatically felt confused, sad and went back into old habits. I gambled maybe once or twice a fortnight AND I have forked out so many pay loans since then, my weekly expenses outweigh my weekly income. I was very ashamed and afraid to tell people that I had gone back to my old ways. Until somehow my older sister and younger sister discovered I was back on the losing track. Not sure how exactly since they do not even live with me. And my oldest sister confronted me, was very controlling and really nasty towards me (guess I don’t blame her) and wanted automatic full control of my finances. And she kept writing horrible things to me, even when I did confess I had relapsed etc…she said everything I was saying was a lie (it actually wasn’t). This happened over a week ago and I seriously thought I would die from all the emotional and financial stress coming from everywhere. Luckily I decided to confide in a couple I truly trust and I told them everything and they are now helping me by being my mentors. They have dealt with people with addictions and they love and look after me well. They even spoke to my sister and pretty much told her to back off because she isn’t helping at all. So here I am on day 9 being cg clean and totally wanting to get into my car right now and gamble (as I have just been paid). But I will NOT because I am not co-dependent on money. Even though I am way in over my head and not to sure how to get above the water, I will not go back to the path of destruction. I have a choice and I choose TODAY not to gamble. I choose to BE FREE! You know I can’t control the fact that I am broke. I can’t control the fact that I live at home with my parents still. I can’t control that I am still single (well maybe I can) BUT THIS I CAN CONTROL! I CAN CONTROL LOOKING FORWARD TO A GREAT FUTURE AND BEING ADDICTION FREE. And I hope you choose to help me walk down this scary and bleak path again. The last 12 months has been the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life even without cg. And I have learnt to become stronger through everything that has happened BUT I refuse to let this sickness have anymore say in my life. My mentors are working on getting me into some counselling. And I can call or text them at any time I have an urge. They are so supportive, I know I can get through this because of them. And because of all of you, who are walking this journey with me. We can do this together and we will. ONE DAY AT A TIME! Wow, Izzi is back!

    • #26612
      janey1
      Participant

      <

      Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

      Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

      Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

      And on that note….

      I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team


      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
      privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #26613
      icandothis
      Participant

      Welcome back, Izzi. I have thought of you often, and I was wondering if you had been able to make it to the U.S. Glad to hear you made it, even if you gambled. It is great that you were able to save enough money to do so. I know you can get back on track again this time around. I am so happy to hear you have mentors that you can turn to and who can help keep you on recovery road. I think getting help outside your family is the best thing for you at this time. I keep saying to myself that I am going to see a counselor, and then I don’t do it. I think my husband and I have a good relationship, but gambling is something the two of us just can’t talk about.

    • #26614
      p
      Participant

      I am so happy to see you back posting again. It is good to know that you are ok and that while you have gambled, you are back for another shot at recovery. I used to love reading your posts.
      I hope that maybe one day you will come into a group chat here so we can talk. It would be great. Ive relapsed many times myself but i keep coming back and trying my hardest with this recovery. Hang on to the support Izzi.. so good to see you. Things will get better again. You can do this you’ve done it before.

      P

    • #26615
      izzi25
      Participant

      icandothis and P OMG HI LADIES! I am so so so happy to hear from you both. This has made my day to hear from you both. I am so proud of you all continuing to choose to make this journey. I have been really well and I have am still gamble clean. I can partly blame that from a certain boy at my work place, who likes me and is totally distracting me. Not even thinking about cg really and I am just focused on my goals right now. I feel alive and again and hopeful that this time will be the last time. My only concern is that if things go sour with the guy, i will be cg again. But I have the strength to overcome that and I shouldn’t even be thinking like that.

      Tell me all about yourselves 🙂

      Love you Xx

    • #26616
      vera
      Participant

      Great to see you are turning over a New Leaf, Izzy. One page at a time . One day at a time. Life goes on. We keep moving forward. No turning back. Whether our life is G free or not depends on the choices we made today!
      ‘Hope we both make good choices today and for the future!

    • #26617
      izzi25
      Participant

      Help!

      I am really struggling and I am at the end of my rope. And I feel like nothing can fix this. I have not relapsed, I am clean and I am really happy about that. Mum is currently overseas and I have been looking after my dad, cooking dinner and cleaning the house and it has been fun. Remember how I told you my older sister found out about cg and wanted to take care of my finances and became very verbally abusive towards me. And I actually felt like I was going to die from all the pressure she was putting me under forcing my hand to be accountable to her, otherwise their would be no relationship between us. Well , my older sister backed off once my mentors spoke to her. But it wasn’t long until she was back in my life watching and questioning me on everything. Even my ability to cook and clean and be a good daughter. She always assumes the worse, thinks the worse even when proven otherwise. It is like when she looks at me she sees only dull colours, it is hurting me. I have tried speaking to her about how I feel and she thinks I am just being a victim and my perspective is tainted. EVERYONE tells me that she is controlling and that I am not reading too much into anything. Anyway she calls dad up today demanding that she needs me to give her my car (for good) because I do not deserve it. And that originally my brother gave the car to her but she turned it down so I got it as a Christmas present. And then she told dad about me and cg and he went into a rage. Dad was saying to me that if this is true, he would kick me out and take my car and disown me etc etc……. he wants me to show him my bank statements and where my money goes. But if I do that, then for sure I will get kicked out. I have not even spoken to my sister in a week so I do not know what provoked her to call my dad up and just be nasty. Now this has put me in a position where I may have nowhere to go. My family thinks that I should have hundreds of dollars, because I work etc…..and only pay what they see as a small amount of rent. But I have a car to fuel, food to buy etc….. it’s like I just can’t win with them. And I had to leave the house (in a coffee shop) just to stop myself from crying. I am really trying to stay on the narrow path, get myself cleaned up and just get through this mess I made. But they are pulling me down and pushing me more and more away making me feel so isolated. And then they are like typical Izzi, distancing herself once again because she has secrets to hide. Honestly, don’t know how much more I can take. I told my mentors and I am awaiting a response. No matter what way I look I feel like I am doomed to constantly be reminded of my mistakes by them. I intentionally moved back home because I made a decision long ago to not run away from my family and work on my relationships with them. But all they want to know about me is how bad am I failing. And it is just getting so hard to keep my head above water. Honestly I go to work everyday feeling so upset in my heart. And a part of me thinks I am secretly depressed or just secretly lonely. Like I am alone to do it on my own. Sorry, for the venting, don’t know where else to turn. My sisters and dad are meeting up tonight to have coffee AND they didn’t even invite me. And I know they will speak about me, which they shouldn’t cause my older sister said she would butt out but obviously that was a lie. I am almost expecting my dad to kick me out tonight. Or for all of them to show up for an intervention.

      Help!! any advice would be great, my heart can only take so much.

    • #26618
      izzi25
      Participant

      Help!

      I am really struggling and I am at the end of my rope. And I feel like nothing can fix this. I have not relapsed, I am clean and I am really happy about that. Mum is currently overseas and I have been looking after my dad, cooking dinner and cleaning the house and it has been fun. Remember how I told you my older sister found out about cg and wanted to take care of my finances and became very verbally abusive towards me. And I actually felt like I was going to die from all the pressure she was putting me under forcing my hand to be accountable to her, otherwise their would be no relationship between us. Well , my older sister backed off once my mentors spoke to her. But it wasn’t long until she was back in my life watching and questioning me on everything. Even my ability to cook and clean and be a good daughter. She always assumes the worse, thinks the worse even when proven otherwise. It is like when she looks at me she sees only dull colours, it is hurting me. I have tried speaking to her about how I feel and she thinks I am just being a victim and my perspective is tainted. EVERYONE tells me that she is controlling and that I am not reading too much into anything. Anyway she calls dad up today demanding that she needs me to give her my car (for good) because I do not deserve it. And that originally my brother gave the car to her but she turned it down so I got it as a Christmas present. And then she told dad about me and cg and he went into a rage. Dad was saying to me that if this is true, he would kick me out and take my car and disown me etc etc……. he wants me to show him my bank statements and where my money goes. But if I do that, then for sure I will get kicked out. I have not even spoken to my sister in a week so I do not know what provoked her to call my dad up and just be nasty. Now this has put me in a position where I may have nowhere to go. My family thinks that I should have hundreds of dollars, because I work etc…..and only pay what they see as a small amount of rent. But I have a car to fuel, food to buy etc….. it’s like I just can’t win with them. And I had to leave the house (in a coffee shop) just to stop myself from crying. I am really trying to stay on the narrow path, get myself cleaned up and just get through this mess I made. But they are pulling me down and pushing me more and more away making me feel so isolated. And then they are like typical Izzi, distancing herself once again because she has secrets to hide. Honestly, don’t know how much more I can take. I told my mentors and I am awaiting a response. No matter what way I look I feel like I am doomed to constantly be reminded of my mistakes by them. I intentionally moved back home because I made a decision long ago to not run away from my family and work on my relationships with them. But all they want to know about me is how bad am I failing. And it is just getting so hard to keep my head above water. Honestly I go to work everyday feeling so upset in my heart. And a part of me thinks I am secretly depressed or just secretly lonely. Like I am alone to do it on my own. Sorry, for the venting, don’t know where else to turn. My sisters and dad are meeting up tonight to have coffee AND they didn’t even invite me. And I know they will speak about me, which they shouldn’t cause my older sister said she would butt out but obviously that was a lie. I am almost expecting my dad to kick me out tonight. Or for all of them to show up for an intervention.

      Help!! any advice would be great, my heart can only take so much.

    • #26619
      icandothis
      Participant

      Izzy, hang in there. Focus on yourself, on your own recovery. Your mentors can help you do this. Turn to them.

    • #26620
      p
      Participant

      Just wondering how you are going today.. haven’t seen a post in a little while and just wondering if you are ok and reminding you not to forget the support you can get here, there is also the chat room, i am in there a lot of mornings and because we are on the same time thought you might like to some time chat.. it really helps talking to people who understand.. hope you are well

      P

    • #26621
      charles
      Moderator

      How’s things Izzy? I guess your family have to some extent “heard it all before”? How do they know it is different this time?

      I know that by the time I really stopped gambling there was no reason for my family to believe a word i said. I couldn’t blame them! When I made myself accountable, when i started going to GA meetings, when i started taking actions was the time they took notice.

      What positive things are you doing to help you stay clear of gambling? What positive things can they see you taking?

    • #26622
      p
      Participant

      Hello little Aussie Izzi

      Just wondering how things are going lately for you.. i hope that you are ok. if things are bad or good come back here and talk, maybe join a chat group here they are really helpful and a fun way to communicate.. i really hope you are ok and that things with your family are settling down.

      P

    • #26623
      izzi25
      Participant

      Hey everyone,

      Thanks for your replies. Charles, I can understand that they don’t trust me but their actions are making things worse. Things have calmed down at home and my sister knows that I am getting help from some people who are experienced in the field of addictions, so she is basically watching and I believing waiting for me to screw up. i know that sounds really negative, but you don’t know my sister. In fact from the last post, things got even worse and she is trying to define me by being an addict and saying that is all their is to me and she is not right. And she knows this but she has her own which I feel she is trying to push back onto me. Anyway, enough about that. I am still CLEAN! I haven’t even been counting. I touch base with my accountability partner often. I started reading a book they told me that I need to read along with a different book which is helping how I see money.

      Sorry I haven’t posted, been crazy busy at work. And have just had some boy drama which has been a welcome distraction. And my internet is VERY temperamental.

      My other sister pretty much told me she would never forgive me, or like me again for the things I have already done. And pretty much their is no hope of ever having a relationship. I cant believe how much this affected them, even though I never took money from them or anything like that. I screwed u p, can’t undo it can only move forward. But its sad cause I feel like I was even before cg ALONE with no family by my side. But at least I can still make a life out of something. And when I do get married 🙂 he will never have to experience the ugliness of cg.

    • #26624
      izzi25
      Participant

      P: I don’t know how to do the chats, or how they work.

    • #26625
      p
      Participant

      Hi izzi to see if a chat is on just press on the title up the top of the front page that says helpine… at the bottom of that page there will be groups showing if they are on and a join button if you want to chat one time…

      🙂 glad you are posting again, hang in there chicky

      P

    • #26626
      charles
      Moderator

      Well done on not gambling Izzy. it’s good to hear you are using some support where you are.
      Keep posting and let us know the positive steps you are taking? What book are you talking about? Is it one that others here might find useful?

    • #26627
      izzi25
      Participant

      Hey Charles,

      The book I am reading is called love is a choice. It is about dealing with co-dependancy it also gives me insight on how to deal with my family in general. I know that the road to a clean recovery starts with a lot of inner work.
      I am barely even thinking about cg at all these days. And I am very certain I am over a month clean for sure, but because I am not intentionally counting I don’t know. In the past where I have counted I felt that having the goal of being clean for a certain amount of time actually put alot of pressure on me and felt like i would always fail.

    • #26628
      izzi25
      Participant

      Hi, how is everyone going? I have had a very difficult week with work, my boss is become more unbearable to deal with. I almost walked out the door on Friday, but I held back thinking its almost Christmas. And I am still paying off my debt, as much as it kills me to stay here, leaving would actually be worse. So I just need to get through this week at work and suck it up and stop allowing things that happen there to affect me. I am still clean wahoo :). I seem to have this habit of cg just before Christmas, like literally days before. It has probably happened the last 3-4 Christmas’s so I will be watching myself very carefully. Will be calling on you all closer to the holiday period for strength and to remind me who I am. And most importantly that I can do this.

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