16 November 2014 at 10:55 am #3574Soph2504Participant
My boyfriend told me about a year ago of his gambling problem. Basically when he gets drunk he always ends up in casinos and no matter how many times somebody tells him he won’t come home. We now live together and I have had to change our joint bank account to a different bank so he can’t access it as on two occasions he withdrew £1000. The next day he is always so sorry and says he knows he needs help but as of yet he hasn’t done it. He was supposed to be going to a meeting this Thursday coming but ended up in a casino last night. He then doesn’t come home until stupid hours claiming he’s scared to see me. I never shout at him when he comes in I just always want him home. My anxiety levels go through the roof when he tells me he is going out drinking and I’m on edge all night. He is usually very open about the gambling because I always know by his behavious. But last night he lied to me for the first time asking me to transfer money from his savings (I look after these too) to buy my Christmas present. Obviously at 3am I knew this wasn’t true and eventually he admitted he was outside a casino but too drunk to get in. Iv told him he needs to stop drinking but he doesn’t believe he has too as he is sociable. Please give advice on how to handle im starting to give up now17 November 2014 at 9:21 am #3575DuncKeymaster
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our18 November 2014 at 11:00 am #3576
I am sorry I have not replied earlier but I have been away for a long weekend.
Well done writing your first post, I know how hard it is to write such things down. I will respond later today.
Velvet18 November 2014 at 4:37 pm #3577
As I am sure you are aware, alcohol lowers resistance and so together with your boyfriend’s addiction to gamble you are seeing a cycle of poor behaviour with a bad reaction coming from the bad action. I have brought up my thread entitled the F&F Cycle which I hope will help you recognise that what you have experienced is understood. The CG (compulsive gambler) is caught in a never ending cycle of events which requires courage and determination to stop -and the same applies to those who love them
You have done well not shouting at your bf when he returns because shouting, pleading, crying only wears you out and has no effect on his addiction. However you are anxious and on edge the whole time he is out and that is not doing you any good at all – anxiety will take away your self-confidence and self-esteem.
I know that the following suggestion sounds weak in the face of what you are going through but for those of us who love CGs it is the best thing we can do and that is to look after ourselves. The CG addiction is selfish and if your bf determines to change his life, his recovery will be selfish too so unless you determine to be selfish with your life – you could easily become lost in his addiction. Keep up with your friends, don’t hide away, do the things that please ‘you’, the things that maybe you have stopped doing because of worrying about your bf’s addiction such as hobbies and sports. While your bf gambles he has no thought of anything but the gamble so he is not taking any responsibility for your relationship, so looking after you comes down to you. We cannot save the CG we love – we can only save ourselves.
There is a Friends and Family group today between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – it would be great to talk to you in real time – nothing that is said appears on the forum.
I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled which is why I write in this forum. Keep posting – it is therapeutic to write and you will always be heard.
Velvet18 November 2014 at 6:02 pm #3578Soph2504Participant
Thank you for getting back to me and I will def take on your feedback of making sure I look after myself.
I think we may have turned a corner on Sunday he sent a text to his mam and myself and asked for her to come to our house as he needed her help and mine. After talking to him we think he may have a bit of depression and he thinks the gambling is his way of self harming. Since talking to us he has contacted a gambling help site and they are arranging for him to see a counsiller to see how bad his problem is he is also in the process of self excluding himself from the casinos he visits but I don’t know how strict they are on this. I am keeping my fingers crossed but I know this is just a step in the right direction with a long road ahead. If you have any advice on how I can support him it would be much appreciated as I know how easy it can be to fall off. I suggested telling all of his friends about his problem so when they are out they will make sure to keep away from casinos and support him but I think he may be a bit embarrassed to do this.
Thanks for you help20 November 2014 at 2:58 pm #3579
It is the old chicken and egg question – what came first, the addiction to gamble or the depression. What I do know is that many CGs become depressed as a result of their addiction.
It is good that your bf is acknowledging he has a problem with gambling – I hope by now he has successfully self-banned from the casinos he had been visiting. Words are easy but actions are imperative if he is to control his addiction.
In my opinion he would be better telling his friends he has a problem. Your bf has a recognised addiction that he neither asked for nor wanted so there is no shame to be had; especially now he is determining to fight it. Encouraging a CG to go to the casino, or giving a CG money, is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic but his friends will not appreciate this if they are kept in the dark.
The best advice I can give you is that you do not enable his addiction by clearing any debts he may have incurred or giving him any money. Looking after ‘you’ is so important because when he takes his leap of faith into recovery the more wreckage there is from his addiction the harder it will be for him to face his demons.
I hope you will post again and tell us how you are progressing but in the meantime, I wish you well.
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