[rachelgrene97]

Hi everyone! I’m really needing some advice. I’m only 23 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now. He lives and dies for sports of all kinds and he is obsessed with it.
It’s a strange story really. He got into horse racing and started doing the odd few bets in the bookies – and I remember he told me he’d never set up an online account because of the issues it can cause later in life e.g. not being able to get a mortgage.

Fast forward a year or so and he has the app and is betting fairly regularly. We were both in college at the time and he had very little money. We had many fights about money and gambling because I felt he shouldn’t be spending the small bit of money he has on betting (to be fair to him he only would bet about €2.50 or €5 per bet, but in my mind when you have no money that’s too much).

Since then we’ve continued to fight about it occasionally. Every time he would give me a new option : setting a limit on the app, only betting on the weekends, deleting the app so he had to physically go to the bookies, etc etc etc. None of which have ever worked.

He now has a full time job which is well paying. I discovered he has majorly increased how much he is betting, ranging between €30-€100 per day. I told him that I couldn’t stay with him if he didn’t stop or at least try to stop. I explained to him that for years I have told him I didn’t like it and I’ve tried to get him to reduce it stop which have never worked. He promised me he would try. I left it for a few months as I know it’s addiction and can be hard to stop.

A couple of days ago he was watching one particular race. I asked him why and he told me his dad had a horse backed. I asked him had he many bets on that day and he said he had 3 worth €40 in total. I asked him would he show me and he was lying to my face. He had over €100 lost. I flipped out and said I was done, I told him he knew I was leaving him if he didn’t stop. It made me feel so worthless and depressed – that he’d pick that over me.
He said he didn’t think he had a problem but my argument was he knew I had a problem with it and I told him he chose that over me.

We stayed together for a few days and nights trying to sort things – not talking about it 24/7. Just before he had to leave I asked him had he been doing it while we were together. He told me know. I asked him does he have any other accounts with different bookies. He said no. I asked him could I check – and I found he had been betting while we were together.

I don’t think he understands the depth of his problem. Should I just leave? I’m feeling so deflated.

[Dunc]

Hello
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Rachel

Only you can decide whether you should leave but maybe with knowledge of the addiction to gamble you will be able to decide what is right for you..

Compulsive gamblers lie to themselves to cover for their addiction. It is easier to lie and to hope they will be left to indulge their gambling rather than face the truth over their poor behaviour and financial losses.

You said that he knew that his dad had backed a horse and I am wondering if his dad knows that his son has a serious problem. If your boyfriend is to face his demons it would be helpful if his dad supported him. Do you have a good relationships with his day, could you talk to him about your worry?

You mentioned fighting over his problem and I suspect you would now agree that the fights changed nothing. When a method of coping doesn’t work, it is time to try something different.

If you can imagine your boyfriend’s addiction as a beast in the corner of the room, ready to defend him when his gambling is questioned, I think it might help you to take the fights out of your relationship. An addiction loves a fight, it gives it a reason to carry on, it achieves nothing apart from, probably, sapping your energy and making you unhappy. Giving this beast an ultimatum and being unwilling or unable to carry it through means that it has scored a point and can lead to threats not bring taken seriously.

Maybe you could suggest that your boyfriend contacts our Helpline which is terrific. He probably feels he can stop whenever he wants to and that he has protected himself from not being able to get a mortgage in the future. Sadly, he is wrong, he can lose his home, his job and his family if he carries on as he is doing but I doubt he is prepared to hear this at the moment in time. I suggest that maybe you could tell him that you have sought support and that you are worried about him, maybe you could ask him to contact our Helpline and test his beliefs, with someone who will understand him – he has nothing to lose after all and it is anonymous.

Please don’t be deflated, you are doing well. His addiction is not your fault, nothing you could have done would have saved him, only he can do that. He can control his addiction, I know he can, or I wouldn’t be here.

He sounds confident Rachel but I suspect it to be a façade. He is controlled by an addiction to gamble which means he cannot walk away and losses are, therefore, inevitable.

Keep posting Rachel and hopefully drop in to an F&F group where we can talk in real time, they are safe, private and nothing said in a group appears on the forum. Maybe we will talk on Thursday between 7pm and 8pm, you will be very welcome.

Velvet

[anongirlfriend]

Hi,

Do you have any updates on the situation? How is it going?
My boyfriend has an addictive personality stemming from childhood trauma and even after recovering from substance abuse he has turned to online gambling – the current UK lockdowns have made this even harder for him.

Most days he will admit that he knows he has a problem, but the lying and gambling continue. We have tried countless ways to help him out, sometimes even sitting down to have a proper conversation about how we can help and setting limits on various accounts, but as I’m sure you know, when it comes to addiction, if he wants to continue he will certainly find a way. Despite acknowledging that he has a problem, he refuses to seek any help other than asking me to help, but there is only so much I can do.

My two biggest concerns are this:
I miss my boyfriend – like many people, he becomes a different person in the throes of his addiction and it is terribly sad to watch.

Also, one of our attempts to help him involved him signing up to GAMSTOP so he can no longer set up accounts in his name – all of his accounts are now in my name with my bank details. (He doesn’t gamble using my money, that has only ever happened once and I don’t have a job anymore thanks to COVID so he can only spend his own money anyway)
However, even if it is not my money being spent, it is still coming from my account and will show up on my statements. What will we do when it comes to buying a home etc.??

I hope your situation has improved, I know what an awful situation you are in and as sad as it is, there is only so much you can do if he is not ready to accept help for himself. I hope you are well and taking care of yourself. Sending love and positivity x

[velvet]

Hi Anonfriend

Welcome to the forum.

Its great that you are writing to support another member but please also start your own thread so that you can get support for you.

No two threads are the same, even though the difficulties of living with a gambling addiction can be similar. Your concerns are unique to you and you deserve to have the care of other members.

Velvet

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