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  • #6132
    1984jackiec
    Participant

    Hi All

    Very new to this but after a recent relapse i am in need of some general support and advice.
    My partner has been a gambler since the age of 16…slot machines. He has spent his life gambling his wages away month after month resulting in him ruining his own life financially and those who loved him too.
    We have been together 4 years now and we just keep coming back to this situation where i find out he has gambled again. I took all control of finances a couple of years ago, He no longer has his own bank account – we have a joint one so i can monitor what he spends.
    The amount he gambles on a relapse has reduced dramatically but still, surly it be £1000 or £400 this is still a relapse feeding that gambling habit.
    Tuesday 23/01 i found out he had taken money from our business account to put in a slot machine. This is now the second time he has used the business account. After the first time i decided i would check the account daily but since the end of December i had not really checked due to other busy commitments. He obviously saw this as an opportunity to relapse.
    I was angry Tuesday upset and hurt and i guess i partly blamed myself – if i had been checking daily he couldn’t have got away with it … surly?
    By Wednesday evening 24/01 he was angry with me for the way i had treated him upon finding out. He couldn’t understand why i felt hurt and angry! He is now just swanning around as if i am the crazy one for overreacting. I guess i am just looking for someone to help me try and understand how i control this and actually if i ever can? I want to help him and support him i just feel like i am failing.

    Thanks for listening and taking the time to read guys xx

    #6133
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hello Jackie

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

    Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

    Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #6134
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Jackie
    I am sorry I have not sent you a reply sooner. I had just got back from a couple of days away when I first read you post, I replied in word and then went and did something else and completely forgot to post it. This doesn’t help you one jot, however and I can only hope you return to the forum again for the support you should have had earlier and which you deserve.
    Your partner is blaming you, calling you the crazy one to distract you from that which you know to be true – he has gambled and the responsibility for doing so, it his and his alone.
    The swanning around is common and it is swan like – assuming a look of calm serenity on the surface but desperately trying to keep control underneath. Your partner will lack confidence and self-esteem and both these things are often covered by swaggering behaviour. He has an addiction that means he will fail if he indulges it and constant failure is hard to live with – hence the bravado act that is only on the surface.
    It is indeed a shame that you have to check the business account so often but I suggest that it is something you will need to do, while you decide what you want to do next, in order to protect your interest. Your partner is capable of bleeding the account dry if he gets the opportunity.
    Does your partner accept he has an addiction? Has he ever sought help?
    In answer to your final question, ‘you’ cannot control his addiction, only he can do that and he has to want to do it. What you can do, which is important for you and for him is to look after yourself because if you do fall, you will not be able to support yourself, never mind your partner.
    I hope you will post again and maybe pop into an F&F group where you will be very welcome.
    Velvet

    #6135
    1984jackiec
    Participant

    Hi Velvet

    Thank you for your reply. It means alot.

    Since posting in the group i had been checking the account daily. I found reading posts in this group helpful. I think it gave me more of an understanding of how maybe he felt and how as a gamberler he dealt with things.

    This morning 21/03/18 i found out he has been gamberling from the buisness account AGAIN!! Unfortunately with a busy work schedule i had let slip my checking the account daily routine. Its like he has just taken complete advantage of my trust in him not to relapse….especially so soon after.

    Yes he does accept that he has an addiction and has so since we met, however he is adamant that therapy or talking to someone (seeking help) does not work and that he just needs my support along with me checking every access to money on a daily basis.

    Following this mornings findings i left for work, i logged in to the site he has been using and whilst delving in to what he had been doing he logged in and self excluded. I feel confused again in how to deal with this. I want to scream and shout at him but that wont help. I just do not know how to deal with him.

     

    Thanks for listening x

     

    #6136
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Jackie
    Your partner says that therapy and/or talking to someone doesn’t work and I am wondering on what he bases this inaccurate belief? Where has he sought support from?
    I am sure I am stating what you already know when I say that is that it is unfair of your partner to ask you to do his worrying for him. It seems to me that he is passing the buck as a way to keep things jogging along without any effort on his part while you do all the work. Sadly, active CGs often see those who love them as soft targets and likely to give in – given time.
    Your partner has suggested that he does accept that he has an addiction but I think he is keeping his foot in the door to stop you shutting it completely on his access to money for gambling because although self-exclusion is admirable, he will need more on-going support – after all why try and go it alone when he doesn’t have to do so? He is misinformed if he believes that abstinence alone is recovery. Has there been any change in his behaviour since he self-excluded?
    Keep checking your finances; I am sure you are aware that a gambling addiction once triggered can do a lot of damage in a very short time.
    Please look after yourself; you are right that screaming and shouting at him will not do either of you any good – looking after you will keep you healthy and able to cope.
    Please keep posting
    Always listening
    Velvet

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