[lil sez]

Hi everyone
nBeen with my boyfriend for 3 years and have a 4 month old baby.
nWhen we got together I thought he was amazing so calm and loving and funny and really helped me become a better person. He told me he had issues with his mum and how she would kick him out and abandon him for no reason and how his past relationships they treated him terribly and cheated on him..
nFast forward and it started small he would go out shopping and would say he lost his wallet and then it would happen again and he said he ran into his mum and she took his money, I felt awful for him, and he would act so sorry and sad.
nHe would do football bets and play on slots in the bar but I never gave it much thought, then it got worse he started stealin the rent money or any savings would lie about it and I would have to ask my family for help.
nHe would then go out shopping and call me saying how sorry he was but he gambled it away…
nI wasn’t tough enough I would forgive him and would have to lie to my family to get money for our rent bills and food
nHe would lie and still lies about everything even the smallest things.
nHe then did the worst thing and over time stole 26.000 off his grandparents leaving them with no money i never knew what he was doing he would be out for days saying he was caring for them.
nHe Finnally cracked and told me he stolen 6.000 and his mum came out and that’s when I learnt he had a problem for years and the reason they had no relationahip with her or anyone from his past was because he had stolen and lied so much he ran away.
nHe never broke down about what he done and his mum showed me the bank statements and he cleared all their savings 26.000 and even with proof he still denies it and won’t talk about it.
nHis mum and him fell out of course and I still stuck by him she accused me of knowing which I never did no money came in to our house.
nI then became pregnant and have just found out while I was pregnant he stole 900 from friends who have given him work and helped him people who have been amazing to us and trusted us. I found out because we recently went for a meal and she mentioned money was missing I knew straight away.
nHe denied it swore on his son and got a attitude. . I went through his phone and found a note saying the amount and what it was in 50s.. 20s ect.. when I confronted him he denied it !!!
n3 days late after a lot of threats and argueing he admitted it , but he has no emotions he wont communicate he’s acting like I’ve done something wrong.
nHe’s cold he doesn’t seem to want help or change.. I’m working looking after our son doing everything he can’t find work.. and he’s ruined everything! !
nI feel like he doesn’t care or want to change he hasn’t told our friend yet what he has done and I fear I will have to tell them
nI don’t know what to do and I need advice and support
nSorry for the long post

[velvet]

Hello Lil

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

n

[velvet]

Hi Lil
nI cannot tell you what to do Lil, all decisions have to be yours but I believe, that It is important that you let your friend know that your boyfriend has a serious debilitating addiction so that he/she will know, in future, to keep monies safe. Theft if horrible especially when it gradually dawns on a person that there has been another loss. I suspect that you will have to tell your friend because your boyfriend is unlikely to do so.
nIt is hard to be tough but your boyfriend’s addiction will bring you down with it, if you allow it . You need to stay strong for yourself and your tiny baby – never forget Lil how important and special you are.
nMaybe you could tell your boyfriend that you have sought support for you because you are so worried. Perhaps you could tell him that we have masses of support on this site for him, on our Helpline and in our facilitated gambler-only groups. Maybe he could try GA where he will be understood.
nDo you have family and friends to support you Lil? Perhaps you could find a Gam-Anon group near you, it is the sister group of GA and that is where your situation will be recognised. Whatever you decide to do, look after yourself and keep talking.
nI hope you will keep posting and please use our Helpline too. I cannot say it strongly enough but ‘you’ matter and ‘you’ need support. I wish I could say that if you do (a) or (b) that things will be alright but this addiction has no simple answers for those who love the gambler.
nSpeak soon
nVelvet
n

[lil sez]

Hi 

Thank you for replying, he has said to me that he will tell my friend and that he will keep me out of it, I’m giving him until Sunday or I will tell them myself as it’s not fair on them and they deserve the truth I’m so worried and scared to loose their friend ship. 

I have told him about this sight and encourage him to make use of the help and support he can get i also have told him I really want him to do the one to one chats.  He saids he will but seems apprehensive to start.

I have been really tough with him which is hard for me to do because I do love him but I want to make him see how serious this is and almost scare hime awake

I even said that if I wasn’t for our son I would of left him because it’s a build up of his issues over time and now being a mum I can’t have this around our son.

He got upset with me and told me what’s the point then I’ve made my mind. .  I told him if I had given up I wouldn’t be so tough on him and I would of told him to leave.  I just wanted to wake him up as he’s been acting so cold and distant.  I told him I’ll support him and help him aslong as he gets help.

I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said not right now and that we haven’t been right for months. . I was so broken and explained that after just having a baby of couse I am different and wasn’t giving him all the attention as I was adjusting to our new normal of being a family. 

I got scared as I don’t want my family not together and broke down I want to move forward and be happy with him.  I’m trying to be how I was and just not be cold and guarded but of course it’s at the back of my mind.  But now I’m acting more my old self he has been his nice sweet self again

I just don’t want him to think I’ve forgotten or will allow this to go away. .. he has said he doesent know how to change and that gambling is just the surface.

Sorry again for another long reply 

[velvet]

Hi Lil
nI feel for you and I can only say that honesty is the best thing, or the worry over your friends will eat away at you. Try and explain to them that at the moment your boyfriend is not in control of himself but that you value their friendship and that you really could do with their support.
nDear Lil – you are tough on your boyfriend because you love him. I understand that completely but sadly It isn’t usually appreciated by the gambler until they change their lives, when they can look back and see who supported them best.
nHis first thought when you talked to him was that you had ‘made up your mind already’ – a typical response because that is what he thinks you must mean – his addiction clouds his mind which stops him thinking logically. His addiction will make him feel worthless and it is hard for him to understand true words of care. Equally his comment about not wanting to be with you is probably just words because he thinks you couldn’t possibly want to be with him.
nHow mature you sound and how lucky he is to have you on his side.
nIt is natural to feel apprehensive, facing an addiction takes a lot of courage – he will almost certainly never have admitted his feeling of failure to anyone before and it takes a lot of guts to do so but those who understand will know how he feels. He probably thinks that he will be ok soon, that he can stop gambling when he wants to – but sadly you and I know that without help he will not get better.
nDon’t be afraid of being tough – being soft will only prolong his addiction. As long as you enable him he has no need to try and change.
nI love the fact that you are trying to be like your old self – that is so good in these circumstances and I know how difficult it is. It is easier to slip into being miserable and wanting to question every move the gambler makes but I think it is great when a man can see how good it can be if he seeks recovery.
nI cannot say ‘well done’ enough Lil.
nPlease keep posting. Maybe you could sit with him while he clicks on to a gambler group or our Helpline Charles will welcome him in a group and will understand him, he has no need to be afraid.
nSpeak soon
nVelvet
n
n

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