Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 66 total)
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  • #5730
    frankie06
    Participant

    I have been with my bf for just over 7 years, he kept his gambling problem a secret for 1 year at the beginning of our relationship. The problem escalated very quickly and he has in the past tried to kill himself 3 times could be more but 3 times i know about when i was with him.
    Days are a little bit better now as we both have a 3 year old son together and i have complete control of his works wages and the household bills etc. He is very good at asking for money but last night he asked for an extra £10 to put on a gambling website and i kept saying no and it ended up with him pleading me for the £10 and then he would swear at me and say next time i’m paid your not having any of it. It just brings my mood down and i’ve been thinking about having another child soon but i don’t think the support is there for me.
    Regarding getting help i tried alot in the past and found a phone number for him to call for help and eventually he called it himself but they said the meetings would be in Newport for therapy sessions and there was nothing available in Cardiff. We live in Cardiff so need support there if he is ever going to get support. Money is an issue though we can’t afford expensive cognitive therapy or other therapy.
    Thanks for reading.

    #5731
    velvet
    Moderator

    <

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #5732
    Logic55
    Participant

    Dear Clo,

    Welcome to the forum, I wanted to send you a reply because your issues regarding gambling seem very similar to mine.

    In your post, it appears that your partner is still very actively gambling, although you dont say this, the “extra” £10 for gambling online seems to suggest that gambling online is the norm for your partner?

    You are already doing a lot of the right things in making sure that you have control of the finances and are paying the bills. How would your partner stop you from getting his pay packet? Are you reliant on him handing it over to you?

    Gambling has the power to pull down everyone in its way. Including you and your partner. It shows no mercy. So I am not at all surprised that your mood is low.

    If your partner is as active as it sounds, he will have little/no regard for your feelings or any support you might need, There is not enough space for that and for gambling too.

    Regarding the help, you can exhaust your self looking for solutions (believe me I have tried) but unless your partner wants the help and wants to stop, you could offer all the help in the world and it would not be enough. This is tough for me to say but its only because I know the Cardiff area well, that Newport isn’t so far away that the support available isn’t accessible? To me, the Newport/Cardiff problem sounds like it could be an excuse and a way for him to get you off his back about therapy.

    You are doing really well and I am glad you have found support here. Please keep posting. I look forward to hearing from you again.

    #5733
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Clo
    An active CG (compulsive gambler) will use any excuse not to seek help when they are protecting their addiction and they are afraid of taking responsibility.
    When you say that days are a little better now, do you mean that he has abstained from gambling? Unfortunately abstention on its own is not enough to control an addiction. Your bf has possibly been dry gambling. This is where he gambles without money – he makes mind bets. If he bets on sports, for instance, he could check out the odds and then watch the game and make a mental wager. Unfortunately such behaviour only keeps the mind in gamble-mode and that is not control.
    This site is free for him to use – we have an excellent Helpline, CG only groups run by facilitators and the forum, ‘My Journal’, where he can receive support from others who are fighting their addiction or who have controlled it.
    Unfortunately you cannot force a CG to change; you cannot save him from himself, only he can do that.
    I think you were great refusing to enable him but his subsequent behaviour strongly implies he has been keeping his addiction alive as I have written above.
    Maybe you could download the ’20-questions’ from the Gamblers Anonymous website and leave it for him to find. I suggest leaving it rather than giving it to him because he will probably react badly. Many CGs think that they are alone with their problem so the 20-questions may bring home the amount of damage he is causing himself and his family.
    It is so important that you look after yourself at this time because the addiction to gamble can drag you down with it. You are not to blame for his addiction and you have a son who depends on you keeping fit and happy.
    I hope you will write again soon and hopefully join the Friends and Family group on Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time or 8-9pm BST.
    I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result but standing up to addiction isn’t easy, so please keep posting.
    Velvet

    #5734
    frankie06
    Participant

    Hi Logic55
    Thank you for replying to my post.
    Regarding finances and my partner’s wage. I have his internet banking app set up on my phone so i can access the funds as soon as he is paid and he doesn’t know his id number or password. This is fine and i have done this for the last 3 years or so. He is fine with this and i also told him if i can’t have access he can move out back to his mother’s.
    Once i’ve taken the bill money and whatever he owes to people then he is free to do what he wants with the rest. Usually always gets gambeld hundreds of pounds from his monthly wage, which gets me down because we could be saving for a holiday or a new car or whatever. It frustrates me too because then he will depend on me to buy his fags and petrol for the car.
    Last night we had a big argument as i agreed to lend him £40 till Friday and he demanded me put £10 on my card at midnight because he “wanted to play 20p bets on roulette until i fall asleep” well i just blew up. He didnt ask once when i said no he asked over and over and i wanted to sleep because i had work this morning. So after i swore at him and said im not living like this he called me horrible names and said i always dictate his money and said hes going but only went outside for a cigarette and came back to bed and asked again by this time i was in bed shaking from all the shouting and just gave in and put it on there. I cant even speak to him now im so angry i dont think we will last long. I want more kids but its not fair to bring them into this…..
    Sorry for long story feel really crap.

    #5735
    frankie06
    Participant

    Hi thank you so much for your reply.
    He is actively gambling and even watches youtube in the evening of people gambling on slot machines and roulette machines, i wish there were more persuasive ways of hetting gamblers to seek help.
    I think unless i throw him out or something awful happens then he wont change. I pray he will wake up one morning and ask himself why he does it .
    I save money now and dont let him know about it just so me and my son have a stable future.
    I dont know how things will get better. His moods are always up and down….i hate living on a rollercoaster. Only time will tell

    #5736
    Logic55
    Participant

    Hi there,

    sorry it has taken a couple of days to reply to you, I have been away with work and havent been able to get to the site.

    Firstly, I want to say well done on taking the control to make sure that the main bills are paid and that you are not making concessions for that. That is a really big step in making sure you are not being majorly financially damaged on a monthly basis.

    However, the free availability of the rest of his wage gives him free rein to spend happily on gambling, from what you say, until the money runs out.

    Then it is left to you, to pay for his lifestyle for the rest of the month and I assume to also pay for anything unexpected that comes your way during that time (for example if there is something that your little boy needs, or the car breaks down etc).

    Is there a way you could limit this more? For example hold him accountable for the money of yours that he has spent once his payday comes back around. or have a fixed sum from his wage to cover petrol and such things.

    In my experience, it doesnt matter how much money is available, whether it is 50p or £500, all of it will go to gambling if it is available to a gambler.

    My partner was paid weekly so the money would only run out for a couple of days and then the thrill would come straight back a few days later. For your partner, i assume for some of the months it is a long slog between when the money runs out and payday?

    Unfortunately, a gambler is unlikely to want to make a change until they hit rock bottom and that wont happen when there is an easy access to funds.

    The anger and the faux storming out is part of the addiction pushing your boundries. It wants to know where your breaking point is, what they have to do to make you cave in. and then it wont be so hard for them next time, they can just go straight to that breaking point. Which, for you, obviously is where you’ve snapped or your partner has said something that makes you change your behaviour. So it is when you are pushed to your weakest/lowest point.

    My partner would storm out of my place over and over again (we didnt live together). The first few (many) times, i would go after him “just get in the car and come back” feeding the ego. And then one day it clicked…you stormed out with no money. You cant get home. This is your problem not mine. And surprise surprise back he came tail between his legs.

    Its a horrible game of test your limits. The best advise i can give you is to be strong. The addiction needs you to thrive. You dont need it. It has and still is taking me a very long time to learn to be strong.

    You are doing better than you feel. You are getting support now, which will help to make you stronger.

    Logic

    P.s. if some of my words are a little harsh i dont mean them to be. i’m used to receiving advice, not giving it!!

    #5737
    frankie06
    Participant

    Hi thanks for replying.
    The information about his wage. I do take more to cover petrol and his cigarettes but i make out its all for bills because if he knew it was spare cash for his cigarettes and petrol then he would manipulate me for the money and he wouldnt stop begging me for it.
    Like today he asked to borrow £30 off his mum and asked me to put £20 on his card which is for gambling online and said i can get the money back from his mum when i go over there. I put up a fight and said its not okay to gamble online and i dont want you gambling in the house then he would stop asking but then eventually he comes again pestering me for the £20 on his card. He uses his card details and he doesnt have mine on there i wouldnt let him. But after crying and arguements in front of my child i put the £20 on. I feel close to kicking him out but i don’t think i’m strong enough. I don’t know how to stop this awful stuff from happening all the time and ends with me crying non stop. I just want it to stop and i want to be happy.

    #5738
    maverick.
    Participant

    Frankie,

    I have just read your post and it brought tears to my eyes, the pain and hurt compulsive gamblers cause the people they love is unbelievable, I have to be totally honest with you and say I have caused it many times as I am the compulsive gambler, I honestly don’t really know where to start and If I am truthful always very sceptical of sharing on the friends and family section, not because I don’t want to but not sure how it will be received, (however this comes across I promise you I am only here to help and share what I know), I am sure your boyfriend loves you but he has an addiction and he needs help but the problem is unless he really wants help himself he wont change.

    I know nothing about how you feel however I hear the pain and suffering in your post, its a very small step but try to get him to look on this site and read other peoples journals/stories, something might just click and make him think about changing, sometimes that happens……it’s worth a try, there are some horror stories on here but I am afraid to say they are true, my gambling addiction has gone on for over 25 years and I am now 40, I don’t want to bore you with my story but see if you partner will just have a look on here and try to understand where he is in life and where he wants to be, deep down to any man all the maters is his wife and children however when actively gambling all that seems to get neglected.

    Frankie thanks for listening and I am sorry for intruding on your thread, just saw you had posted this morning, you were upset and wanted to offer you a little bit of hope, Gods honest truth is look after yourself and your little one as you are the most important things in the world, protect the pair of you and hope your boyfriend decides we wants to change.

    If he wants to talk or share I would be happy to, but deep down he really needs to want to stop, look after yourself and I wish you all the very best.

    Lee

    #5739
    frankie06
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply Lee, it helps me realise i’m not alone and other people have experienced this awful addiction other than my boyfriend.
    I know he thinks me and our son is his World and he told me when he admitted to his addiction. No matter what he says nad how much he hurts me or threatens to leave he would never leave us. So it would have to be me making that decision if things dont change and he needs a kick up the ass to realise what he could lose. I think that is the only way things will change for the better….
    I’ve applied for him to get help filling the gordon moody application form online. I’ve added his email so i dont know if he will ignore the email or seek help, again i think if we broke up or i kicked him out that would only be the option but i dont think ive got the courage to do that. But theres only so much begging for money and pestering me to add money on his card to bet online that i can mentally take having to bring up our three year old son as well.
    Thanks again

    #5740
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Frankie
    I didn’t know which post to answer but as this is the one getting most replies I will stick to this one.
    I am not sure when you say ‘I’ve applied for him to get help filling the gordon moody application form online. I’ve added his email so i dont know if he will ignore the email or seek help, again’ – whether it is you, or your bf who has asked for and done the application.
    The GMA organisation works miracles but it cannot succeed with an active CG who is being forced to go on the programme but has a loved one who is doing all the work to get him accepted. You won’t be with him while he is on the programme so doing it for him will not help.
    The thing that can work the best for you is to stop enabling him with £20 here or there because it is the gambling that muddles his brain and it is the gambling that has to cease. Can you speak to his mother and ask her to help her son by not giving him money with which he can gamble. It doesn’t matter if it is 1p or a million pounds the act of gambling is what does the damage.
    Looking after you is the most important thing you can do and I have had hundreds of people over the years who have told this forum that this was the thing that worked even though they could not see the reason when they first heard it.
    Keep posting Frankie – preferably on this thread

    #5741
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Frankie
    You have made your informed decision and now it is time for you to put you and your child first – he needs you to be strong.
    I know that often there is only one course to take and that is to order the addiction out of your life and that is the decision you have bravely taken.
    Just take one day at a time and live it for ‘you’. As Geordie rightly says CGs are survivors so your only concern should be for you and your son.
    Do you have family to support you?
    Keep posting and please keep to one thread so that your story follows on
    I wish you well
    Velvet

    #5742
    frankie06
    Participant

    Thanks velvet,
    No i dont have any real support here i stayed in wales due to me starting a relationship with my bf and came here to study originally. 10 years ago i have family in england and scotland so i only really have his mum flr support and my best friend who lives near by.
    Im really lost now and feel numb. Hes already messaged me on social media and all i saw without opening the message was please clo. What do i do i need advice. He gets paid his monthly wage tomorrow wont be giving me anything for july for the two weeks hes been living in the house…… he will no doubt blow it all.
    Please reply back

    #5743
    Logic55
    Participant

    Hi Frankie,

    Just wanted to say how incredibly brave you have been over the last couple of days, I know damn well that it isnt easy to kick against gambling, especially with a child involved too.(be prepared for accusations that you are stopping him seeing his boy. Just remember, it isnt you, its gambling and you need to do what is best for your little boy).

    You are taking control and gambling doesnt like that, so stay strong. Even though that’s easier said than done!!

    I cant provide a longer reply at the minute but the Friends and Family group chat is tonight at 8pm.

    There will be some “friendly faces” in that group who have already given you excellent replies and can offer you instant support. Velvet is the admin for the group and I know she will welcome you in with open arms.

    You are doing better than you know and than you feel!

    Logic

    #5744
    frankie06
    Participant

    Thank you i will definately be on the chat group. It’s killing me inside because i do want us to be a family and him come home but he will think its fine to call me all those names and do it again. What if he turns nasty and wont forgive me or want to be with me at all. Then i’ll be a single mum to our boy and i think im going through depression i dont want to leave the house or meet anyone.

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