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    • #5730
      frankie06
      Participant

      I have been with my bf for just over 7 years, he kept his gambling problem a secret for 1 year at the beginning of our relationship. The problem escalated very quickly and he has in the past tried to kill himself 3 times could be more but 3 times i know about when i was with him.
      Days are a little bit better now as we both have a 3 year old son together and i have complete control of his works wages and the household bills etc. He is very good at asking for money but last night he asked for an extra £10 to put on a gambling website and i kept saying no and it ended up with him pleading me for the £10 and then he would swear at me and say next time i’m paid your not having any of it. It just brings my mood down and i’ve been thinking about having another child soon but i don’t think the support is there for me.
      Regarding getting help i tried alot in the past and found a phone number for him to call for help and eventually he called it himself but they said the meetings would be in Newport for therapy sessions and there was nothing available in Cardiff. We live in Cardiff so need support there if he is ever going to get support. Money is an issue though we can’t afford expensive cognitive therapy or other therapy.
      Thanks for reading.

    • #5731
      velvet
      Moderator

      <

      Hello

      Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

      Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

      If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

      You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
      situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

      We look forward to hearing all about you!

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team

      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
      privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #5732
      Logic55
      Participant

      Dear Clo,

      Welcome to the forum, I wanted to send you a reply because your issues regarding gambling seem very similar to mine.

      In your post, it appears that your partner is still very actively gambling, although you dont say this, the “extra” £10 for gambling online seems to suggest that gambling online is the norm for your partner?

      You are already doing a lot of the right things in making sure that you have control of the finances and are paying the bills. How would your partner stop you from getting his pay packet? Are you reliant on him handing it over to you?

      Gambling has the power to pull down everyone in its way. Including you and your partner. It shows no mercy. So I am not at all surprised that your mood is low.

      If your partner is as active as it sounds, he will have little/no regard for your feelings or any support you might need, There is not enough space for that and for gambling too.

      Regarding the help, you can exhaust your self looking for solutions (believe me I have tried) but unless your partner wants the help and wants to stop, you could offer all the help in the world and it would not be enough. This is tough for me to say but its only because I know the Cardiff area well, that Newport isn’t so far away that the support available isn’t accessible? To me, the Newport/Cardiff problem sounds like it could be an excuse and a way for him to get you off his back about therapy.

      You are doing really well and I am glad you have found support here. Please keep posting. I look forward to hearing from you again.

    • #5733
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Clo
      An active CG (compulsive gambler) will use any excuse not to seek help when they are protecting their addiction and they are afraid of taking responsibility.
      When you say that days are a little better now, do you mean that he has abstained from gambling? Unfortunately abstention on its own is not enough to control an addiction. Your bf has possibly been dry gambling. This is where he gambles without money – he makes mind bets. If he bets on sports, for instance, he could check out the odds and then watch the game and make a mental wager. Unfortunately such behaviour only keeps the mind in gamble-mode and that is not control.
      This site is free for him to use – we have an excellent Helpline, CG only groups run by facilitators and the forum, ‘My Journal’, where he can receive support from others who are fighting their addiction or who have controlled it.
      Unfortunately you cannot force a CG to change; you cannot save him from himself, only he can do that.
      I think you were great refusing to enable him but his subsequent behaviour strongly implies he has been keeping his addiction alive as I have written above.
      Maybe you could download the ’20-questions’ from the Gamblers Anonymous website and leave it for him to find. I suggest leaving it rather than giving it to him because he will probably react badly. Many CGs think that they are alone with their problem so the 20-questions may bring home the amount of damage he is causing himself and his family.
      It is so important that you look after yourself at this time because the addiction to gamble can drag you down with it. You are not to blame for his addiction and you have a son who depends on you keeping fit and happy.
      I hope you will write again soon and hopefully join the Friends and Family group on Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time or 8-9pm BST.
      I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result but standing up to addiction isn’t easy, so please keep posting.
      Velvet

    • #5734
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hi Logic55
      Thank you for replying to my post.
      Regarding finances and my partner’s wage. I have his internet banking app set up on my phone so i can access the funds as soon as he is paid and he doesn’t know his id number or password. This is fine and i have done this for the last 3 years or so. He is fine with this and i also told him if i can’t have access he can move out back to his mother’s.
      Once i’ve taken the bill money and whatever he owes to people then he is free to do what he wants with the rest. Usually always gets gambeld hundreds of pounds from his monthly wage, which gets me down because we could be saving for a holiday or a new car or whatever. It frustrates me too because then he will depend on me to buy his fags and petrol for the car.
      Last night we had a big argument as i agreed to lend him £40 till Friday and he demanded me put £10 on my card at midnight because he “wanted to play 20p bets on roulette until i fall asleep” well i just blew up. He didnt ask once when i said no he asked over and over and i wanted to sleep because i had work this morning. So after i swore at him and said im not living like this he called me horrible names and said i always dictate his money and said hes going but only went outside for a cigarette and came back to bed and asked again by this time i was in bed shaking from all the shouting and just gave in and put it on there. I cant even speak to him now im so angry i dont think we will last long. I want more kids but its not fair to bring them into this…..
      Sorry for long story feel really crap.

    • #5735
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hi thank you so much for your reply.
      He is actively gambling and even watches youtube in the evening of people gambling on slot machines and roulette machines, i wish there were more persuasive ways of hetting gamblers to seek help.
      I think unless i throw him out or something awful happens then he wont change. I pray he will wake up one morning and ask himself why he does it .
      I save money now and dont let him know about it just so me and my son have a stable future.
      I dont know how things will get better. His moods are always up and down….i hate living on a rollercoaster. Only time will tell

    • #5736
      Logic55
      Participant

      Hi there,

      sorry it has taken a couple of days to reply to you, I have been away with work and havent been able to get to the site.

      Firstly, I want to say well done on taking the control to make sure that the main bills are paid and that you are not making concessions for that. That is a really big step in making sure you are not being majorly financially damaged on a monthly basis.

      However, the free availability of the rest of his wage gives him free rein to spend happily on gambling, from what you say, until the money runs out.

      Then it is left to you, to pay for his lifestyle for the rest of the month and I assume to also pay for anything unexpected that comes your way during that time (for example if there is something that your little boy needs, or the car breaks down etc).

      Is there a way you could limit this more? For example hold him accountable for the money of yours that he has spent once his payday comes back around. or have a fixed sum from his wage to cover petrol and such things.

      In my experience, it doesnt matter how much money is available, whether it is 50p or £500, all of it will go to gambling if it is available to a gambler.

      My partner was paid weekly so the money would only run out for a couple of days and then the thrill would come straight back a few days later. For your partner, i assume for some of the months it is a long slog between when the money runs out and payday?

      Unfortunately, a gambler is unlikely to want to make a change until they hit rock bottom and that wont happen when there is an easy access to funds.

      The anger and the faux storming out is part of the addiction pushing your boundries. It wants to know where your breaking point is, what they have to do to make you cave in. and then it wont be so hard for them next time, they can just go straight to that breaking point. Which, for you, obviously is where you’ve snapped or your partner has said something that makes you change your behaviour. So it is when you are pushed to your weakest/lowest point.

      My partner would storm out of my place over and over again (we didnt live together). The first few (many) times, i would go after him “just get in the car and come back” feeding the ego. And then one day it clicked…you stormed out with no money. You cant get home. This is your problem not mine. And surprise surprise back he came tail between his legs.

      Its a horrible game of test your limits. The best advise i can give you is to be strong. The addiction needs you to thrive. You dont need it. It has and still is taking me a very long time to learn to be strong.

      You are doing better than you feel. You are getting support now, which will help to make you stronger.

      Logic

      P.s. if some of my words are a little harsh i dont mean them to be. i’m used to receiving advice, not giving it!!

    • #5737
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hi thanks for replying.
      The information about his wage. I do take more to cover petrol and his cigarettes but i make out its all for bills because if he knew it was spare cash for his cigarettes and petrol then he would manipulate me for the money and he wouldnt stop begging me for it.
      Like today he asked to borrow £30 off his mum and asked me to put £20 on his card which is for gambling online and said i can get the money back from his mum when i go over there. I put up a fight and said its not okay to gamble online and i dont want you gambling in the house then he would stop asking but then eventually he comes again pestering me for the £20 on his card. He uses his card details and he doesnt have mine on there i wouldnt let him. But after crying and arguements in front of my child i put the £20 on. I feel close to kicking him out but i don’t think i’m strong enough. I don’t know how to stop this awful stuff from happening all the time and ends with me crying non stop. I just want it to stop and i want to be happy.

    • #5738
      maverick.
      Participant

      Frankie,

      I have just read your post and it brought tears to my eyes, the pain and hurt compulsive gamblers cause the people they love is unbelievable, I have to be totally honest with you and say I have caused it many times as I am the compulsive gambler, I honestly don’t really know where to start and If I am truthful always very sceptical of sharing on the friends and family section, not because I don’t want to but not sure how it will be received, (however this comes across I promise you I am only here to help and share what I know), I am sure your boyfriend loves you but he has an addiction and he needs help but the problem is unless he really wants help himself he wont change.

      I know nothing about how you feel however I hear the pain and suffering in your post, its a very small step but try to get him to look on this site and read other peoples journals/stories, something might just click and make him think about changing, sometimes that happens……it’s worth a try, there are some horror stories on here but I am afraid to say they are true, my gambling addiction has gone on for over 25 years and I am now 40, I don’t want to bore you with my story but see if you partner will just have a look on here and try to understand where he is in life and where he wants to be, deep down to any man all the maters is his wife and children however when actively gambling all that seems to get neglected.

      Frankie thanks for listening and I am sorry for intruding on your thread, just saw you had posted this morning, you were upset and wanted to offer you a little bit of hope, Gods honest truth is look after yourself and your little one as you are the most important things in the world, protect the pair of you and hope your boyfriend decides we wants to change.

      If he wants to talk or share I would be happy to, but deep down he really needs to want to stop, look after yourself and I wish you all the very best.

      Lee

    • #5739
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thanks for your reply Lee, it helps me realise i’m not alone and other people have experienced this awful addiction other than my boyfriend.
      I know he thinks me and our son is his World and he told me when he admitted to his addiction. No matter what he says nad how much he hurts me or threatens to leave he would never leave us. So it would have to be me making that decision if things dont change and he needs a kick up the ass to realise what he could lose. I think that is the only way things will change for the better….
      I’ve applied for him to get help filling the gordon moody application form online. I’ve added his email so i dont know if he will ignore the email or seek help, again i think if we broke up or i kicked him out that would only be the option but i dont think ive got the courage to do that. But theres only so much begging for money and pestering me to add money on his card to bet online that i can mentally take having to bring up our three year old son as well.
      Thanks again

    • #5740
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Frankie
      I didn’t know which post to answer but as this is the one getting most replies I will stick to this one.
      I am not sure when you say ‘I’ve applied for him to get help filling the gordon moody application form online. I’ve added his email so i dont know if he will ignore the email or seek help, again’ – whether it is you, or your bf who has asked for and done the application.
      The GMA organisation works miracles but it cannot succeed with an active CG who is being forced to go on the programme but has a loved one who is doing all the work to get him accepted. You won’t be with him while he is on the programme so doing it for him will not help.
      The thing that can work the best for you is to stop enabling him with £20 here or there because it is the gambling that muddles his brain and it is the gambling that has to cease. Can you speak to his mother and ask her to help her son by not giving him money with which he can gamble. It doesn’t matter if it is 1p or a million pounds the act of gambling is what does the damage.
      Looking after you is the most important thing you can do and I have had hundreds of people over the years who have told this forum that this was the thing that worked even though they could not see the reason when they first heard it.
      Keep posting Frankie – preferably on this thread

    • #5741
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Frankie
      You have made your informed decision and now it is time for you to put you and your child first – he needs you to be strong.
      I know that often there is only one course to take and that is to order the addiction out of your life and that is the decision you have bravely taken.
      Just take one day at a time and live it for ‘you’. As Geordie rightly says CGs are survivors so your only concern should be for you and your son.
      Do you have family to support you?
      Keep posting and please keep to one thread so that your story follows on
      I wish you well
      Velvet

    • #5742
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thanks velvet,
      No i dont have any real support here i stayed in wales due to me starting a relationship with my bf and came here to study originally. 10 years ago i have family in england and scotland so i only really have his mum flr support and my best friend who lives near by.
      Im really lost now and feel numb. Hes already messaged me on social media and all i saw without opening the message was please clo. What do i do i need advice. He gets paid his monthly wage tomorrow wont be giving me anything for july for the two weeks hes been living in the house…… he will no doubt blow it all.
      Please reply back

    • #5743
      Logic55
      Participant

      Hi Frankie,

      Just wanted to say how incredibly brave you have been over the last couple of days, I know damn well that it isnt easy to kick against gambling, especially with a child involved too.(be prepared for accusations that you are stopping him seeing his boy. Just remember, it isnt you, its gambling and you need to do what is best for your little boy).

      You are taking control and gambling doesnt like that, so stay strong. Even though that’s easier said than done!!

      I cant provide a longer reply at the minute but the Friends and Family group chat is tonight at 8pm.

      There will be some “friendly faces” in that group who have already given you excellent replies and can offer you instant support. Velvet is the admin for the group and I know she will welcome you in with open arms.

      You are doing better than you know and than you feel!

      Logic

    • #5744
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thank you i will definately be on the chat group. It’s killing me inside because i do want us to be a family and him come home but he will think its fine to call me all those names and do it again. What if he turns nasty and wont forgive me or want to be with me at all. Then i’ll be a single mum to our boy and i think im going through depression i dont want to leave the house or meet anyone.

    • #5745
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Frankie
      You are going to get lost if you keep using 2 threads. Please stick to this one. All the people who have replied to you on the extra thread you have started will find you here and get your full story if you just stick to this one.
      We cannot give advice, Advice is often asked for when you know the answer but wish that you didn’t. Only you can know what it is right for you but having kicked him out, I think you have to ask yourself why are questioning your decision, when you don’t want to be treated badly. What has he done towards seeking help that makes you think he will be any different?

      My CG was active for 25 years and didn’t stop until I ceased all enablement and he couldn’t find it anywhere else.
      As I have said before, if you give a CG an ultimatum it is important to be sure you mean to carry it through because if you go back on it the addiction will have won and will get worse, never better, until it is treated.
      What happened when you downloaded the 20-questions for him?
      I will never allow the addiction to gamble back into my life because I know what it is to live with it – that is my decision. Your life is not mine but whatever you do has to be ‘your’ decision. I suggest you read back all the replies you have had and hopefully you will be clear what is right for you
      You have support here Frankie but it important that ‘you’ look after yourself and make the right decisions for you and your son.
      Velvet

    • #5746
      lily
      Participant

      Stay strong Frankie, thinking of you x

    • #5747
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thank you velvet,
      I can’t find the 21 questions to download or print?
      Its too late now hes not in the house now but i could still try and print it and show him. He went to a few ga meetings years ago but didnt benefit from them and kept going in the bookies as soon as he had money….
      I’m just really anxious now. He has got paid tonight and im just waiting for all the evil messages he will send me saying how its my fault he lost all his money and then a few days later appologising for what he said and that he didnt mean it.

    • #5748
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thank you lily x

    • #5749
      nomore 56
      Participant

      From my own painful experience with fear and the ever present anxiety I would like to suggest that you block his number from your phone(s) and get a new number ASAP. The wounds are still fresh and cgs always find a way to dig into them. The addiction doesn’t like changes and definitely not being disturbed by someone saying enough is enough. At the moment the most important person is YOU. Every call and every message thows us right back into the abyss of living with a cg. It will get easier over time, it really will. Nobody can tell you what to do but imho no contact of any kind is crucial for your own recovery.

    • #5750
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Frankie

      Although it is hard to stay strong, it is easier when there is distance between you – if he returns to your life without getting support you will struggle far more.
      Use this time for you and your child. have some peace without addiction being in your face morning noon and night.
      Sleep well
      Velvet

    • #5751
      kathryn
      Participant

      I think I posted on the wrong thread!
      I’m sorry about that!!!!
      I was thinking about you a lot today.
      Love K x

    • #5752
      frankie06
      Participant

      He asked to come back the morning after i kicked him out and i never replied as i was working. He came over today to see Nate my son and he said he isnt coming back. Wen he stayed we didnt talk because i thort he was still angry at me for what i had done. I rang him saying dont u love me what about our family and our relationship for 7 years please come back and he isnt coming back. Do u think hes just saying it coz hes angry or that he isnt coming back.

    • #5753
      frankie06
      Participant

      He asked to come back the morning after i kicked him out and i never replied as i was working. He came over today to see Nate my son and he said he isnt coming back. Wen he stayed we didnt talk because i thort he was still angry at me for what i had done. I rang him saying dont u love me what about our family and our relationship for 7 years please come back and he isnt coming back. Do u think hes just saying it coz hes angry or that he isnt coming back.

    • #5754
      Logic55
      Participant

      Frankie.

      You have done NOTHING wrong. Do not blame yourself for your partner’s actions. You have taken an incredibly brave step to do what is right for you and Nate.

      Your partner is angry because of what he has done. Because of what gambling has done. Not because of what you have done. You were caring and loving and did everything right by him.

      As far as i see it, what he is doing is manipulating you. He asked if he could come back, you had the control and didnt respond. Gambling loves to have the control so it tried to pull it back by telling you what you didnt want to hear…that he would leave and not come back.

      If he has already come over to see his son do you really think that he wouldnt come back? Also, do you want him back in his current state, isnt that the whole reason you asked him to leave in the first place? Because you couldnt cope with the gambling anymore. Because it had exhausted you.

      There is nothing wrong with taking a break from it all and doing what is right for you. You do not have an addiction. You love someone with an addiction.

      Stay strong for you and for Nate and keep posting. We are listening.

      Logic

      p.s. I have done what you did. I have rang my CG over and over and over. I have done even more stupid ridiculous things for my CG than i care to think about. I recommend turning off your phone and do something positive with Nate and forget about gambling for a little while. It might not make you feel better but it will give you some moments when gambling doesnt take over your thoughts.

    • #5755
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hi all, hes reset his internet banking details and hes having them sent in the post. Should i ask to have them because i need to transfer to my bank for bills and its usually £500 month i take from his account and its easier to do that because if he takes out of a cash machine the most he can give me is £300 because thats the withdrawal limit… and he cant be trusted with lots of cash on his card…. shall i ask for his card too or just take the new details and he can keep the card for whatever is left?

    • #5756
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Frankie
      Your child is entitled to maintenance from his father so maybe you should be asking for a direct debt of £500 per month. If he is not prepared to pay maintenance then maybe you will have to take legal advice. Personally I would not ask for internet banking details in this situation unless I was prepared for an unpleasant reply, however, I cannot tell you what ‘you’ should do. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to the Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) who can point you in the right direction legally and help you get what is right for your son.
      I think Logic’s reply was great especially her p.s., however, I do not think that your CG’s visit to his son should give you hope (if hope is the right word) that he will return.
      Look after ‘you’ Frankie and your son. I was left with 3 children under 6 so I know how daunting life can look but you threw him out because you had, had enough – if he returned you would undoubtedly get more of the same only worse. With glorious hindsight I am relieved that my first husband left because my life has been enriched by all that followed after a miserable period of feeling I couldn’t cope. You will cope. You are made of stronger stuff than your realise.
      Speak soon
      Velvet

    • #5757
      Logic55
      Participant

      Hi Frankie,

      Just checking in as you havent posted for a few days.

      Hope you and Nate are doing well. Looking forward to your next update, when you are ready to come back to us. Keep posting, we are listening!

    • #5758
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thanks Logic for asking about me.
      I’m doing okay. Only problem is i love my boyfriend and i took him back after two days. I was in a mess cryingf hysterically thinking its the end. But when i messaged him he was fine and saying i made my choice of kicking him out and making out he had done nothing wrong. I was the one appologising not him and now he is back living with me and my son.
      He hasn’t said he will get help and to make matters worse he got paid the day after i kicked him out and he said he had only £28 when in fact he was paid £175. To add to this he withdrew £10 probably for fags and the rest he gambled online…£20 £30 60 at one time.
      I secretly opened his post to remake his internet passwords and he has gambled nearly £300 in two weeks online.
      I am upstairs in bed and he is downstairs.
      Im fed up with the lies when i confronted him about lying about the amount of money he had been paid he said “see thats why i dont like u having my bank stuff u have no right looking at it so back off!!”
      He had borrowed money off his mum to do the mot when he could have used the money he was paid with but he gambled that lied to me and didnt even chuck me or his mother £20

    • #5759
      frankie06
      Participant

      Leading on from the last message about £20 that could have gone to me or his mum for what he owes us. Im taking more on top of bill money next month and saying the bills were more thats why im taking more coz im sick of been the pissing backbone and breadwinner when im part time 16 hours a week n hes full time n does all his wage after bills hav gone online. Im so upset please dont judge me about taking him bk i kno maybe its a bad decision but i dont think i could b without him and vice versa

    • #5760
      kathryn
      Participant

      You will never be judged here…….ever!
      May I suggest something?
      Ive always believed that knowledge is power. Learning about compulsive gambling, how it controls the gambler, their money, their behaviour, their moods, their warped way of thinking, their life……arming yourself with this knowledge could help you. It is so difficult for a non compulsive gambler to understand how we think (I’m talking about me here), how all logic goes flying out the window, how we justify to ourselves spending that money, that learning how this addiction ‘works’ could help you avoid situations that are difficult to manage/cope with.
      Unfortunately the only person who can help your boyfriend with his addiction is him. He has to be the one to make the hard decisions and do the hard work to stop gambling and regain control of his life.
      For you, arming yourself with the knowledge of compulsive gambling could give you the benefit of being able to read situations that may be about to escalate.
      You cannot make him stop gambling, but you can deal with situations better…for you and your son.
      I can see how stressed you are.
      Your boyfriend doesn’t care. His addiction wont let him.
      All he wants to do right now is gamble, his mind is full of gambling thoughts, how, when, where……..nothing else can get in. His mind is blocked from logical thinking.
      All I can suggest, is that you give him no money. Don’t enable him to gamble. I’m sure he will find a way on his own but if you can, make it as hard as possible.
      Take care,
      Love K xxx

    • #5761
      Logic55
      Participant

      Hi Frankie,

      No judgement here. I am really happy that you have come back to post, in what seem to be really difficult circumstances for you.

      i’m not in any place to judge anyone. After weeks and months of getting myself into a better place, i let myself down and put myself in a dangerous position that I should never have allowed to happen. But this isnt my story here.

      Ultimately, my CG cant stop and doesnt want to stop what he is doing – even though he knows it makes him miserable, suicidal, guilty, angry and a whole other range of emotions that i probably cannot even fathom.

      All of the vile things that he has ever done to me, have always been “my fault” and have ended up with me apologising to him, when i have had nothing to apologise for. You are not the first person to have done this and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

      If your partner isnt saying he wants to stop then he wont stop. Simple as that. My CG is currently self excluded from all of his online accounts. That hasnt stopped him betting in dollars on some foreign website over the weekend. If your partner wants to gamble, he will find a way to do it.

      Lies come with the territory, i’m afraid. And in his head why would that extra money has has go to you and his mum to pay off his debts, when he will just take it back anyway.

      As Kathryn rightly said, there is no logic to the way that CGs think and as the gambling cloud consumes you too, your logical thinking goes out of the window.

      You are acting illogically. You know what you should be doing that is best for you and you arent doing it. Because of the pressures of gambling and because you love your partner. I completely understand it.

      The cycle wont stop until you stop it. and once the cycle is broken you can look after you. It is then up to him whether he stops gambling or not. You cant do it for him, no matter how much you desperately want to.

      The question is, how much of this you are willing to take, knowing that things arent going to change, until something drastic changes.

      Like Kathryn said, arm yourself with information. keep getting help for yourself and things will start to become clearer.

      I see a lot of me in what you say. You are not alone. Stay strong Frankie.

    • #5762
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Frankie
      Along with your other responses I have to add that I too took my CG back because I loved him, because I thought I could save him when no other could, that the problems would intimately end by him realising what he was doing.
      It didn’t work for me Frankie, I went 23 years taking him back, unwittingly enabling him because I didn’t know anything about an addiction to gamble and even when I was eventually told after 23 years I didn’t believe it. The last 8 years took me to a place I wouldn’t wish on anybody but finally after 25 years he was gone. This was followed by him spiraling horrifically deeper into his addiction, until he could take no more and went into rehab.
      Frankie I understand what you are doing but I don’t want you to spend the next 25 years in this pain and sadly it isn’t going to change as long as you allow him to manipulate you. Your partner isn’t doing it deliberately, he has an addiction – but you don’t have one – you are stronger than he is but his addiction will weaken you as long as you allow him to control your life.
      My CG eventually changed his life around away from me and finally we have a relationship of trust. Within that trust he told me that as long as I had enabled him he couldn’t find the courage to face his demons – he didn’t have the ability to change himself without treatment.
      He would never have stopped Frankie as long as I fed his addiction.
      Sadly your partner’s addiction is winning at the moment so next time you want to throw him out think very carefully how much you can stand by your words.
      I cannot tell you what to do Frankie because you have to control your own life but I believe you will be wasting your breath asking for your money back and the same goes for his mother. He is an active gambler, there never will be any money for him to spare because any money he has is for gambling not for caring about you or your child.
      It is a sad fact Frankie that your partner would probably do very well without you – he would probably find another enabler, another place to sleep, another person to feed him. You say you can’t be without him and I understand that but what you need to do without is his addiction.
      Keep posting. Nobody is judging you – we can’t. I did everything wrong for all the right reasons for 25 years. I can’t go back and change what happened to me but you have your life and your child’s life ahead of you. Keep getting knowledge of his addiction because knowledge is power.
      I have brought up my thread ‘The F&F cycle’ for you to help you see what is happening and what will continue to happen until you decide to live in the centre of your own life and not on the edge of his.
      I wish you well Frankie – you are really understood here
      Velvet

    • #5763
      vera
      Participant

      Sad to say, Frankie, your actions are making it possible for your “CG” to continue gambling.
      CGs are ten steps ahead.
      When I was gambling, I set up scenarios where my enablers (I had two) would always be on the back foot so that I could always make them feel my gambling was their fault.
      Another sad thing , Frankie is that a CG’s behaviour can turn enablers into deceitful people i.e. lying about cost of bills etc.
      Give him a free reign would be my suggestion. In time he will hit rock bottom. No one can tell how long that will take though. I hit many rock bottoms and there was a trap door in each one.
      CGs who are “thrown out” know they will be taken back. We surround ourselves with vulnerable people who will “forgive/understand/enable” us.
      Sadly too when a CG is finished using their nearest and dearest it is not unlikely that they will move on…….
      The decision is yours Frankie but allowing him to walk all over you is unfair to you and unhelpful to him. He won’t thank you for it.
      Over and out!

    • #5764
      Logic55
      Participant

      hey Frankie

      been thinking about you a lot. Hope you have good plans for the weekend and have some nice plans away from gambling.

      Logic

    • #5765
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thank you Logic,
      My partner is off work today and was hoping to do something as a family, but his mood has changed…. yesterday was a good day, he cooked us all a chicken curry and it was lovely for him to interact with us rather than not speak and look at his phone constantly. Back to today, i am at the park with my son now and spending time with him and going to see his nana and speak to her about it. I just left the house because i’m sick of arguing and he asked for £20 and i said what for to gamble coz u havent anything left. He didnt say anything.
      Please can you tell me how to protect myself from his ups and downs and what helps???
      I really don’t want to break up with him but i think only time will tell though.
      Thanks for everyones support.
      Frankie

    • #5766
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thanks for replying i replied at the bottom to the last comment and meant to reply to everyone.
      Thanks
      Frankie

    • #5767
      lily
      Participant

      It will always be a roller coaster ride with an active CG and without the proper help it only tends to get worse. My only advice to you is to take care of yourself and your child first and foremost. I think it was a good move getting out of the house today and giving yourself some time away from being asked for money. Is there a relative or friend you could satay with for a week or so to give yourself some head space? Sometimes a little distance gives us a chance to think about things more clearly and it certainly wouldn’t do any harm. Lily x

    • #5768
      frankie06
      Participant

      Yes im focusing on me and my son. His anger is always visible due to his gambling problem and brings me down.
      He hasn’t appologised for how he speaks to me or acts and swears and shouts at our son. I’m on the verge of depression i think. I don’t have family near by to visit, just his family. Feel low most of the time because he is down all the time.
      Currently hoping to change my career and study a course where i can earn a decent living.
      Just really cofused whats going on with my life. I wanted more kids as well but i dont think i want any with him

    • #5769
      lily
      Participant

      It is so hard to read your post and see how difficult things are not least because it reminds me of a point I was at a long time ago. My son’s dad is a CG and I left him when my son was one. I remember having a very similar conversation to this with my mum although CGing didn’t come up as I didn’t at the time understand that was what my partner was. She suggested I get a piece of paper and write down all he gives me on one side and all the negatives to having him around on the other. You know I sat for 3 hours desperately trying to think of something to put in the positive column that’s when it hit me he brought nothing to the relationship, no emotional support, no financial benefits, no practical help, not even a sex life . I am not saying this is necessarily the case with you but it is a good exercise, the two sides should at least balance. Look at what you have written – you are feeling depressed, he shouts at your son, he’s angry and you don’t think you would want more children with him. Does that sound like a positive place for you or your son? I think you know deep inside this situation is not healthy or sustainable. something needs to change. If he can’t/won’t make steps to change then you have the power to make a change that will benefit you and your son. I know my self-esteem was badly damaged but the 6 year relationship I had with my son’s dad and I was so afraid to be a single mum but in the end I realised there wasn’t much worse for me and my son than the situation we were in. Take care of you and take it step by step towards a better future for you and your child however you think that can be achieved. 10 years on I have still not received an apology so I suspect it will be a long time coming if that’s what you are waiting for. You are stronger than you think. Lily x

    • #5770
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hello,
      Thank you for your comment.
      We had a nice few days and were quite close to each other and then this morning he asked to lend £40 for fags and petrol. He said he’ll pay me back friday. So i replied to him yes ok as long as i get it back friday as i’d helped pay £20 towards something else the week before and didn’t get that back because he hadn’t been paid yet from his monthly wage. He replied with are you giving it to me yes or no? He didnt explain about friday and how he would be able to pay me back. He said find then dont bother and i also want my internet banking details back so i can change them. Saying they are his and he will transfer the bill money to my bank himself online. He said as well it isnt my money to have….. when it goes to bills so how am i taking any for myself??
      I told him he cannot be trusted with money and i need to be in charge of finances so that the bills are paid… in the past he agreed with me because he had gambled all his wages and i was left to pay all the bills. Should i let him have the details because he will just have them reset and sent out in the post anyway….
      I don’t know what to do anymore. Our son is at his nans tonight i was hoping we could go out together for food or drinks but obviously the addiction doesnt care about what i would like.

    • #5771
      frankie06
      Participant

      He asked for another £20 i suggested going out for a chinese and he blamed me for wanting to spend money all the time when we havent got it. But its ok if he has his fags and petrol paid for. Relationships are supposed to be give and take nut hes just taking and not asking what id like to do. Hes demanded his internet banking now saying ive no rigjt havin control over his finances and he said the relationship is dead.
      Drive me and my son to go for a walk in the sun and hes pissed off at me for not smiling or been happy and for having a long face all the time talking to me like shit.
      I was walking away from them and crying theough my sunglasses, the argument started off the internet banking and now because i suggested doing something or going out because we never do anything. I feel useless and numb and really tempted to just buy a bottle of wine to numb it out

    • #5772
      frankie06
      Participant

      Please suggest how i can help my boyfriend get help. He gambled £180 that he won online and its all gone. He got up at 6am just to play it. He blames himself n was swearing in the shower at himself.
      How can i protect myself as well? Do you know how to ban gambling sites online?
      Thanks, i really appreciate your comments and i havent received a reply in a few days since i’ve posted.
      Frankie

    • #5773
      2017shaun
      Participant

      Yes you can put a ban in place for online gambling. I have done it with every site. I use to gamble online and in shop. Online gambling is so easy to access. You could deposit more and more funds within seconds.
      But what are you to do? Use his phone when his in the shower to self exclude???
      Doesn’t sound like his come to terms with it all. You know you can’t stop gambling for him.
      I have read most your posts. How old are u both?
      Maybe if you accedently hit his phone with a hammer? I dunno accidents happen.
      I woke up one day fed up of being fed up. Tired of chasing my losses. Bored of loosing. Sick to death the amount of money I gambled. The lonely life I was starting to live. I’m 25 and my ideal Sunday used to be spend it in the bookies with some of the old boys.. I lived this life far to long. So everyday now I tell myself no.
      I have gambled yes. I’m only just on the right path. Literally clinging on. But it is all because I want the change. Not my partner. My advice either leave him to devastate his live a bit more. Soon enough he will realise how stupid he was
      Good luck how ever your life unfolds

    • #5774
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hi Shaun,
      Thanks for replying so quick, i just feel hopeless, i’ve suggested going out to the cinema or just for food but he constantly blames me for wanting to spend money.
      I said to him at least come out for me, he complains the relationship is dead but he doesn’t want to try or suggest to do things so what does he expect??
      I’ve been lost in his web for about 7 years now. He kept his addiction secret for a year but by then i’d fallen in love with him. I’m 27 hes 30. He’s been gambling for 12 years or longer. We have a son together who’s 3 in 2 weeks and its my birthday end of August.
      I’m not even expecting a card because he’s never had money to buy us anything.
      In your experience of gambling do you think if i printed out phone numbers he could call for help it would make a difference or to show i’m trying to sway him to get some sort of help?
      I don’t want to throw him out again because he will hold it against me and make it about me when really its about his addiction.
      Hope to hear your suggestions
      Thanks
      Frankie

    • #5775
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Frankie

      I wouldn’t suggest you exclude on his behalf, but if he does get a moment of clarity maybe copy and paste the below email.

      All regulated gambling sites, casino, poker and bookies have a self exclusion policy, the form is available on all of their sites.

      If he excluded on line via the live help or sent an email he can request a permanant lifetime exclusion.

      The big high street names all offer this, although the automated self exclusion webform will only offer a max five year exclusion.

      Dont you for one minute think he’s lost £180 he hasn’t not if he won it first. His addiction is telling him he’l lost that much. He’s lost his stake money thats all.

      Fri 30/12/2011 12:48
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      Sent Items
      Could you pease exclude me from all of your online gambling sites, I am a compulsive gambler.

      Name

      Adress

      D.O.B:
      phone number

      other emails;
      Many Thanks.

    • #5776
      Anonymous
      Guest

      I didnt have tine before to explain what I meant about the £180.

      In your CG’s mind he will be convinced hes lost the 180 plus whatever he deposited. The fact of the matter is he has lost whatever he deposited. The £180 was just part of the game leading up to the unsuprising, inevitable loss. If every bet lost or every single occasion produced no winners then there probably wouldnt be any addicts.

      His addiction is fooling him he’s lost £180 he’s probably chasing that amount or thinking about it right now. Dont let his addiction fool you either.

      I dont think anybody will advise you one way or the other what to do. But it lokks like you’re not telling him to leave. I admire you for doing this but only if its in a genuine effort to stand by him. There will be people who think its a great idea and others who think your foolish. You have made your mind up and must now stand by your actions. Just because you dont take onboard some suggestions offered does not mean you can’t enhance others. Like protecting your son and looking after yourself first and foremorst.It’s pointless making any rules if you can’t bring yourself to enforce them his addiction would love it.

      Ultimatums like, “it’s me or the gambling” are futile unless you can stick to your word without doubt.

      I know when I first got into online poker it was small steaks at first, for months. Then they increased, usually after a “win”.

      Keep your wits about you

      Take care.

      Geordie.

    • #5777
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thanks Geordie18,
      He appologised for his actions today about this morning and said it wont happen again. He has lost too much and is cancelling his card and leaving me in control of his money, said i never listen to you but i must now. i messaged him back saying Im not negative with u and the only way i can be by ur side and we get through this together is when you decide to get help and change your life for the better. It’s affecting our relationship together, u need to ask yourself do u want to carry on losing £1000’s a year or do you want to get help and be the best dad and partner u can be. Only u can change ur life It’s like living on a rollercoaster your moods r up and down all the time. Your the only one who can call and get help not me, as much as i want you to get help it has to be u doing it. Love u too but i dont kno how much more i can take if u carry on this way xxx hes agreed to put a ban on his phone and devices but hes asked what if i want to look at the scores online? And check it? So i dont think hes serious about it.
      What site or app is good to get for samsung phone.
      Thanks
      Frankie

    • #5778
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thanks Geordie18,
      Permalink Submitted by frankie06 on Mon, 08/07/2017 – 17:13
      Thanks Geordie18,

      He appologised for his actions today about this morning and said it wont happen again. He has lost too much and is cancelling his card and leaving me in control of his money, said i never listen to you but i must now. i messaged him back saying Im not negative with u and the only way i can be by ur side and we get through this together is when you decide to get help and change your life for the better. It’s affecting our relationship together, u need to ask yourself do u want to carry on losing £1000’s a year or do you want to get help and be the best dad and partner u can be. Only u can change ur life It’s like living on a rollercoaster your moods r up and down all the time. Your the only one who can call and get help not me, as much as i want you to get help it has to be u doing it. Love u too but i dont kno how much more i can take if u carry on this way xxx hes agreed to put a ban on his phone and devices but hes asked what if i want to look at the scores online? And check it? So i dont think hes serious about it.

      What site or app is good to get for samsung phone.

      Thanks

      Frankie

    • #5779
      frankie06
      Participant

      Also an update-
      I found an email from a woman at the gordon moody association on his email stating she tried calling the number he left and she couldnt get through, and if he wants to progress to the next stage hes to call her on the number she left.
      I asked him twice just out of interest if he had seen the email and didnt say anything to me so should i just leave it coz i dont want to pressure him or let him feel pressured if he doesnt want to talk about it. He must have rang her and left his number with her.
      Should i ask if he cancelled the debit card like he said he would?
      Thanks

    • #5780
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Frankie
      The fact that your bf has contacted Gordon Moody is enough for you to know he wants to change his life.
      There is little point in asking an active CG questions because you could not trust the answer to be true – it is only actions that show progress and your bf has shown through action that he wants to progress.
      A CG struggles with life, nobody would choose to be a CG and this confusion makes it impossible to gauge what their reactions will be to any given situation.
      Your bf has made a move without telling you and that in itself tells you, I think, that (a) he wants to change and (b) if he doesn’t succeed you won’t be any the wiser – in other words he hopes he will not be made to feel he has failed again in your eyes. It is his addiction that makes him so secretive and nothing you have done.
      GMA know how difficult it is for a CG to make that initial contact – they understand your bf’s addiction and the way he reacts – you will know if he gets a place without questioning him.
      I also think it will become apparent whether or not he has cancelled his debit card because again he could say he has and not done it or say he hasn’t when he has done it. Yes it is fickle and hard to follow but it does seem he is showing a strong interest in recovery which is great.
      Keep listening to him and keep posting your updates – you will hopefully get your answers through his actions.
      Velvet

    • #5781
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hi velvet,
      Thank you for your reply i really appreciate it.

      I’m glad he made contact to the Gordon Moody association. I left numbers on the fridge for him and he made contact a long time before he said he was going to. The only itching problem i have is he hasnt yet, as far as i know rang the number back to arrange proper help and not sure if he will. Should i ask him or just leave it?
      I’m really proud of him contacting them and they might not have answered his call and left an email saying that i just hope he does something about the email and arranges help.
      I need to keep peace with him and make sure he is happy and in a non argumentative environment otherwise he may go back go his ways.
      It’s suh a hard and unclear future! I’m not at all a patient person either but i know i need to try to be.

      Thanks so much for your support and everyone elses.
      Kind regards
      Frankie

    • #5782
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Frankie
      He made the contact without you and he is the one who needs to take care of his own move towards his recovery. Patience is not easy I know and waiting for something to happen is difficult but he made the contact without telling you for a reason, possibly not a reason that you understand but in his mind there was a reason. I will never know why on a certain day at a certain time my CG decided he had had enough of the way he was living and applied to GMA – it wasn’t because of 25 years of me talking/yelling/pleading/crying/forgiving/threatening that make him come to his decision.
      A non-argumentative atmosphere is the best but not talking ‘at’ a CG is also brilliant – they have to want to change for themselves not because somebody else is demanding or forcing them to act. Demanding and/or forcing will not get the desired result. I remember one night in Gam-Anon where a mother and daughter deposited their husband/father in the Gamblers Anonymous room and then they came in to the Gam-Anon group. I think everybody present realised that the husband/father would not be back and sadly it was so. The non-argumentative atmosphere shows the CG the way it could be all the time if he changes which is much better than all the talking
      When the future seems hard and unclear the only thing to do is to make sure that just for today you live for yourself and enjoy the things that give you pleasure, such as your child, or a walk or a chat to a friend. You are supporting him in the right way but allow him to follow through with the thoughts he seems to be having and give him an extra cuddle when you are pleased with what you hear.
      Keep posting
      Velvet

    • #5783
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hi Velvet,
      Im here writing in flood of tears,
      We had a great few days since he lost £180 online on monday, claiming hes had enough and he wants me to ban him from all the sites. Then he got paid today the day was going really well from the morning, had a nice meal together Thursday evening as our son was staying over his nans and we went swimming as a family the next day. This didnt last long as today he got paid from one job and got more than he expected so planned on buying a ps4 but didnt have enough so tonight he asked for £10 on his card from his wages and ive said no. So hes told me i cant have control of his money and im not getting a penny next week when he gets his monthly wage for bills.
      He said you dont expect me to quit just like that? I said no but if u were serious about everything you said monday you would be trying to quit… he said he didnt tell me to ban him from the online sites…must be imagining it.
      I feel like a complete idiot and we are going round in circles.
      Im just going to put the £200 he has from his wage on his card and let him deal with his problem because im so exhausted after 7 years of this happening every month.

    • #5784
      frankie06
      Participant

      Luckily my partner bought a ps4 with the money he got a few days ago. Then he took the last bit of money and said hes going out for a bit. I wasnt born yesterday and straight away i knew where he was going and my heart sank a little bit. After everything we spoke about regarding the gambling and how much he wanted to stop, i feel betrayed and pushed aside.
      He won money this time came back and brought lunch. Then it was only 3/4 hours later hes going out again. Came back pissed off and asking to borrow £20. He must have found another gambling site to go on and i can feel our relationship crumbling.
      Any opinions and thoughts are appreciated.
      Thanks
      Frankie

    • #5785
      lily
      Participant

      Hi frankie, I read your post yesterday but didn’t have the chance to reply. Have you read the gambling cyclele? This is what you are stuck in now, it is visions circle and will keep going around and around until something changes.
      If nothing changes it will get worse especially if your partner has full access to his money again but in truth you can not stop him, only he can make the decision to seek help and start engaging in recovery and by the sound of it he has no desire to do that right now. You however do have power over your own choices and you can chose to atop this negatively impacting on both yourself and your sons life. Only you can decide how that will look to you, what changes you need to make but can you really go on like this any longer? Please put yourself and your child first and move forward with your life. Thinking of you, advice is easy to give and difficult to take I know, please understand I have been where you are now. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked down in this never ending spiral, you are worth more. Lily x

    • #5786
      frankie06
      Participant

      Thanks for the reply he just keeps saying i control everything and ive banned him from online gambling but he is saying he is starting to play poker now on his phone. That he will go to play poker with hhis friends once a week saying its better than gambling online. After everything he told me last week that he is going to stop the gambling and get through it he is full of shit and blames me from trying to hold back his wage when i can just so it can last a bit.
      All i do is walk on egg shells i dont know how his mood will be and i dont enjoy being with him now. It’s constant gambling and he makes excuses for everything.
      He gets paid friday and i suggested to meet him after work to get our son some bday presents he is 3 in a few weeks time and its also my birthday a few days later and he bit my head off saying why do i always want to sepnd money as soon as i get paid?
      I’m just feeling lost and fed up

    • #5787
      caribbean blue
      Participant

      Thanks for the reply on my thread. I thought I would add to yours now. My heart goes out to you and your son.

      It is hard to put yourself first when you have been caring and trying to help a CG. I hit my rock bottom last month and told myself no more. I had to change my life because my husband was not going to and I can not live like that anymore. I have started to work out again. The cardio is really good for anxiety and depression. I meditate and do yoga and write in a journal. I can see a difference in myself and notice that making decisions and saying no becomes easier and there is no second guessing my decision. It is hard to let someone you love make these poor choices and then beat themselves up over them but we have no control over that.

      Focus on yourself and do what you can to relax and bring you some balance to your life. Have you tried talking to a counsellor who specializes in gambling addictions or going to Gam-Anon?

    • #5788
      frankie06
      Participant

      He gets paid on friday and i usually transfer the bill money to my account to pay bills. I’m still doing this but hes asked for his banking details so he can log in. He says its his and before i dont give it him but this causes arguments so ive given him the details now.
      I would like to get counselling or join gamanon but how do i find out where there is one near me?
      I just hope he wants to go and buy me and our son birthday presents once he is paid but i don’t think that we are his priority anymore. I’ve lost a lot of respect for him. He isnt honest with me much and lies a lot i think its a matter of time before i decide ive had enough.
      Thanks for your reply and take care

    • #5789
      vera
      Participant

      When a CG knows that their wife/partner/spouse/significant other is walking on egg shells it gives him/her free reign to push that person beyond their limits.
      “That person” needs to question their codependency with the “addict”.
      Being codependent means you are putty in the hand of a CG!
      Read the excellent advice CB has given.

    • #5790
      caribbean blue
      Participant

      My husband as well gets paid on Friday and I am not sure if he will contribute to the credit card debt which is his responsibility. Payday should be a good thing but over the past 15 months has become a stressful time.

      I look at my husband differently and have lost some respect for him as well. I have even told him so when he was in a good frame of mind. He was sadden by this and I do see him being more emotionally supportive and following through more. It is a day by day thing though.

      You can find Gam Anon online for your city/country. I have not gone yet but I did find it for the city/country I live in. You should also be able to call the helpline on this website for information on Gam Anon and counselling services.

      Only you know your breaking point. I wonder as well when or if that will come for me. I have changed the way I communicate with my husband so he is responding different. I stay calm and say what I have to say confidently. If he gets defensive I tell him we can continue this later. I do not want to give in to the “protective” gambler addict.

      Take care

    • #5791
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hi caribbean blue,
      Thank you for replying back.
      It’s 5am right now he came back from a friend’s poker night not long ago. I woke to him punching the wall and constantly saying ive lost it all i never listen to her and now its all gone.
      He got paid thursday evening, he paid me the bills to my account straight away and then he had around £300 left. He bought his son a toy car and i bidded on ebay for a ps4 hes wanted for months but he still blamed me for doing that. If i didnt that £140 would sure be down the drain as well.
      Sat in the lounge writing this so angry and pissed off. I want to give him an ultimatum of getting help or we are finished but i know he wont. What do i do now. I feel like a trapped person and i want to be happy and healthy for my son but i cant seem to act normal anymore because of this addiction its eating away at me. I cant get ahead and another birthday next week which wont be celebrated properly…not even a card from him to me and his son.
      7 years which i look back on and hate now.
      Please someone reply with suggestions.
      Thanks
      F

    • #5792
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Frankie I can only echo what everybody else has been saying to you over the last few weeks/months.

      Separate yourself and son from this gambling addiction. It’s driving you around the bend, and it does not need to be like this.

      I agree with most of the comments on your thread, none more so than Vera’s re co-dependency.

      This latest exhibition after his poker night, in my eyes, is just a show put on for your benefit. I would think he’s trying to instigate some sort of argument or just trying to blame you.

      Please don’t play along, it’s his mess and he’s got to sort it. You can make your life and that of your son’s a lot more bearable though.

      His addiction is ruining his life, and until he realises that and takes the right steps it just is not going to get any better.

      You don’t need to let it drag you and your son down any further, what ever steps you need to take to get his gambling addiction out of your life, I suggest you take before it ruins you too.

      Sorry I can’t be more cheery.

      Look after yourself and your son.

      Happy birthday for through the week.

      Geordie.

    • #5793
      2017shaun
      Participant

      Hi Frank
      It sounds like now your fully aware of his scale of gambling. The issues caused from gambling. I think you know what you want from life and this relationship. (One foot in front of the other).
      Sorry for not replying to the other post . Did you print a
      List of numbers for him? If so how did he take it
      Hope your boy n your self had/ have a great bday.
      Tell him to a apply for this residential programme. That on it own helped me.
      I applied last year but I believe I was not ready so didn’t go forward with it. This time round I’m nervous like mad. But it’s a step that needs must.
      Hope your well and birthdays went smooth
      All the best s

    • #5794
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hi shaun,
      Thanks for replying,
      When i came home on friday evening after going shopping i found his bank card cut up! We couldn’t talk to each other in the day because i was still angry the fact he gambled all his money. He told me what happened, he was invited to a poker night where he only put £20 stake in and wom quite a bit from that but on the way home he went to the casino and that’s where he lost his winnings. On top of that he had money on his card and gambled what was left online.
      After all of that happened i went shopping and the next day he’s told me the same story that he loves me and our son and doesnt need anything else that hes sorry and i can be in control of his money but i told him i dont want to be cause that causes arguments between us.
      Hes asked me to order him a replacement debit card and i said whats the point doing that cause u will end up cutting that up but he said he doesnt want to see it so he cant add his details online but when he gets into relapse mode he doesnt think of the consequence.
      Anyway amid all of this drama ive decided to get help for myself and registered with ARA.
      I have asked him twice if he will get help and he said yes both times but as yet im not aware of him doing anything to get help he said he has no choice now but to get help….
      Regarding the numbers on the fridge he did ring the gordon moody place and they emailed back asking to ring them again but i dont think he did… at least he has rang them but i know he needs to make more of an effort on his part.
      Thanks again for replying
      Frankie

    • #5795
      frankie06
      Participant

      Hello please can i get some advice about coping with another partner’s stress and anger. I get really anxious and i know it isnt good for me. Do people have any ways that they can cope with their moaning and saying all the time they are sick of it when he loses. I hate the environment he brings with the addiction.
      My father has a mental illness and has high moods and really low moods and i’m trying to care about him.
      Thanks
      Frankie

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