30 March 2022 at 5:18 pm #151661
Ok guys, I am going to be 100 percent honest in this post. I have been wanting to post for a while because I have been dealing with several relapses, but I felt discouraged by an admin who suggested I post on the same thread (I have high anxiety at times so when things happen such as an admin focusing on me not posting on the same thread as opposed to focusing on my post, I shut down).
Anywho, here’s the honesty. I have considered taking my life multiple times in the past few months. Life has been hard, throughout my entire life, but especially in the past several months. I was almost killed by a person who struck me from the side with a weapon. After I healed from that, I partially tore my acl and couldn’t walk for multiple months. While I was healing from that, I was fired from my job (a job that I had poured and poured into for over 4 years). After being fired from my job, I applied for unemployment and was basically declined (their reason was that they were backed up because so many people applied and because of covid). One of my past coworkers kept talking about how they were profiting trading cryptocurrency. When they would try to convince me to join in, I would say I’m ok, because it seems like gambling and I don’t have good luck with gambling. Anywho, I actually did download a trading app while my leg was injured. During this time, I studied trading and began taking part in it. To make a long story short, I lost trying to invest in short squeeze trades, and trying to trade options. These losses caused me to relapse in the casino trying to win those losses back, which I have now been trying to stop over and over, but can’t seem to.
In addition to thosee injuries, the job loss, and my gambling losses during these relapses, I applied to several jobs and have not been able to obtain one. My doordash account (which was basically one of the last sources of income I had to rely on) was banned, and they wouldn’t tell me why nor would they give me my account back. Oh yea, I forgot, while doordashing the same routes I had been doing for years, a homeless person stole my vehicle and crashed it, and I got nothing for that because insurance said they don’t cover those instances.
On top of all of this, nearly my entire family has me blocked (on the phone) due to confrontations that have happened. With all of these things happening, I started to grow angry with God. I have constantly been asking Him why all of this is happening to me. I asked Him if He enjoys seeing me struggle and not being able to eat, etc.
In this midst of all of this, here is the most recent struggles I have had with gambling. I borrowed money from people in my life who were willing to lend to me who were also aware of my situation of being unemployed. I borrowed about 5 grand total, and of course lost it all trying to do a strategy at the casino. The strategy was basically something I had planned out and jotted down, and I was trying to use it as a moneymaking system. Of course, like every other strategy gamblers try to come up with, it didn’t work all of the time. Of course there were multiple times it did work, but that’s just how the casino reels you in, it lets you win sometimes so you come back next time. Anywho, the times the strategy didn’t work, I would chase the losses and be so fatigued, feeling that all of my profits from the strategy were gone and all that time was wasted.
I also sold some things to fund my gambling “strategy” in hopes to find some consistent income during this rough time. All in all, I lost it all.
I recently was hit by a young lady while I was parked. This is how I knew my luck in life was also bad. She ran into my vehicle but luckily she was moving slowly. She began to cry so instead of reporting it to insurance, I allowed her to pay me $1,000 to not report the accident. What did I do with that $1,000? I brought it back to the casino of course, trying the strategy once again. I got up to $2,200 after several days, but ended up losing that, plus $800 more that I had gotten through something else. I was back to zero again. Then I attended some GA meetings.
I started to use my friend’s doordash account because I had no other options for food or gas money. It was very difficult to save any money because as soon as I would profit, I would have to pump gas because the car being used eats lots of gas. Then of course, constant repairs kept coming up. What did I do once I got a couple hundred? I attempted the strategy once again (with hopes of getting gas money, which then became me trying to make money regularly so I wouldn’t have to use my friends doordash account). This time I got the few hundred up to about $1,600, but what happened again? The strategy didn’t work for too long, and when it didn’t, it costed me a couple hundred dollars. And what did I do after that? I chased those losses and lost it all again. This just happened a few hours ago. I got home at about 4am or something like that. It is now almost 9am where I am at, and I haven’t gotten much sleep, but that’s nothing new, as my sleep has been all over the place lately.
Anywho, here I am back at square one. I am going to try and build clean days, but honestly, I feel hopeless. I ask God why He put me in this position of desperation. It seems there is no way out of gambling because I don’t have any other ways of acquiring funds for the basic necessities. I have considered taking my life multiple times. I am jobless, have very few people in my corner (as in on my side / supporting me in terms of any kinds of help), am not sure how certain bills are going to be paid, and I am tired and lonely. On top of that, when I was chasing my losses, one of the games I played was blackjack, and two guys were mean mugging the heck out of me. One of the threatened me, trying to blame me for how the cards were dealt, which is a typical occurrence when playing blackjack in these cardrooms where all kinds of people come to play (including homeless people or addicts), which is why I usually play baccarat (which is the game I use the strategy on, the “strategy” that ends up not working for too long anyway). And, the night before, I had got into a confrontation with a person at the casino who was being highly disrespectful while they were drunk.
All in all, I am confident there are probably some typos in this writing, as I wrote this with little to no hope left, questioning God, questioning life, and not seeing much light at the end of the tunnel. It honestly feels like God does not care, and I am forever cursed while the devil is laughing. I hate life at the moment to be honest.
30 March 2022 at 8:27 pm #151671Dark EnergyParticipant
there is always hope, life is so precious, refuse to be defeated and keep trying to recover till the last day of your life regardless of how many times you relapsed and how bad is your life. because I know something for sure is the count of your gambling days is going up your life will get better and better.
in regards to GOD, to be honest I am an atheist so there is no one up there controlling me or supporting me, or punishing me in life or after. I am on my own and this is librating me, what I am doing is my own responsibility, my recovery is my own responsibility. don’t wait for a magic solution you are on your own and you should get as much real support as you can from friends, family GA ..etc. I am not asking you to be an atheist just I am telling you the problem is not up in the sky it is down in you and you have to sort it out.
stay away from investing or trading it is gambling in fact this is what I am addicted to.
I hope you all the best, keep posting and work on your recovery every day, every day free of gambling is a day toward a better future.
31 March 2022 at 1:21 pm #151703
We win, I must agree with dark energy. I, too, had to come back a few times and stopped posting because of my relapses a few years ago. This is now my third thread. I am reporting 21 days gamble free today and it has been really hard. I think about it all of the time and while I have little access to it on a daily basis, the thoughts are always there about finding a way to go to a casino and try games that I want to play. If I go I could be arrested as I have self excluded from all of them. It is not a chance that I am willing to take because then I would have to be bailed out by someone and I don’t want anyone to know the extent of addiction. I know that the only reason I have been successful for the last 3 weeks is that there is no way for me to actually gamble since I have put gamban on all of my devices. It sounds like you need to put some serious blocks in place to help you stop. Self exclusion from the casino is a start and then gamban on your devices will give you help in the first months when it is truely hard to stop no matter what you try. It gets easier each day, believe me, after the first few weeks when you stop the brain from falling back into that pattern of putting gambling in the equation. You will have more money, eventually, and it will start a new train of life choices. I do not believe that God is responsible for my situation or my choices. I made them of my own free will and should have stopped long ago, but it was easy to get my buzz this way and not face the life that I had built. I must face my decisions with honesty and integrity and dig myself out of the hole that I have dug. So must you. The situation you are in is very hard but if you keep strategizing on how to get yourself back into a positive space instead of how to “win” at the casino you might find that the outcome will be more in your favor. Life is precious beyond value. If you are truely at a point where it has no value to you because of gambling then you have to reevaluate what gambling is to your life. It is your drug and it is killing you. I dont hear the hate in your post that should be there for this drug. You blame God. Blame gambling. Hate the gambling, ask God for strength and move away from those influences that are weakening your resolve. I hope that you find another path soon.
1 April 2022 at 1:59 am #151753
Thank you for your response. It’s crazy that you said what you did about free will. Not too long ago, I wrote down /expressed that my bad choices have nothing to do with God, and they are my own decisions.
I am currently battling with trying to give up gambling. I will be attending a virtual GA meeting in a bit later on tonight.
I am also battling with trying to keep a desire to live. I am quite fatigued, but I did want to acknowledge you and let you know that your response consisted of some great advice. Thank you for taking the time to write what you did. I am fighting to not give up against this addiction, because it is a life destroyer. It’s crazy that I know this but still can’t seem to give it up. Maybe it’s my greed. Maybe it’s me tired of being broke. Maybe it’s an emotional issue. Maybe it’s the false deception of me thinking I need the high. Who knows, but I am trying to not give up on life and beating this addiction/state.
2 April 2022 at 11:31 am #151822
I relapsed again.
I currently have no money and no job, but I made a few hundred doing doordash. I tried my strategy again with the few hundred I had made. It worked once but then of course it failed which costed me almost all the money I had made. I chased it with the little bit of change I had and lost it all.
I’m 30 years old with no money saved, no job, and a bunch of debt.
Use me as an example of what not to be like. My life is a joke, and I am a failure.
Gambling is a life destroyer, stay away from it.
2 April 2022 at 5:10 pm #151834
And Iam 56 looking to try to start all over again. Everyone on here has been in the same position as you, maybe not as young, but the same. You need to take the situation more serioysly- and in saying that I mean the you need to stop thinking that this is about money anymore. It’s not. If it was then you wouldn’t gamble after you win some money. You would stop, but you cannot and that is the issue that will keep you in the hole that you are in. If you accept that even if you win really big that you would probably lose it all anyways than it stops being about money and becomes about addiction. You need to van yourself from all means of gambling today and start taking this as being the start of something new and the end of the”systems”. You will not win even if you do. I know this because I, too, have certain games that j will play that i know that i will eventually hit big on but in the end, i am broke because i cant stop. I am better off financially if i dont play because i will still have the hundreds in my pocket that i would have put into the slots. Please use this, only the second day of a month that brings new life and promise, as the day that you change your path. You are young and have lots of time to begin a new journey. Take this opportunity. It’s the day when you accept that you are powerless against what gambling has one to your brain and you start a new way of thinking. Stay strong, but understand that you need to put as many road blocks in place as you can until you are stronger.
3 April 2022 at 12:01 pm #151864
Wow, all I can say to your response is wow @ Losingitslowly. I really appreciate you for taking the time to write that. The gambling has hit me hard this time. I am not able to recover quickly from losses as I used to be able to when I was younger. Because of this, it seems a depression has risen from the recent losses / the recent relapses. With that being said, your words are needed more than ever.
I appreciate you sharing your suggestions as well as your wisdom as a person who has been alive longer than I have. Everything you said is on point. The casino has no feelings, no sympathy. A person can lose their entire life literally to gambling and the casino wouldn’t care. With that being said, I know deep down that if I do not stop now, the rest of my life will be miserable.
My mind is unclear at the moment, so I don’t think this response is as good as it could’ve been, but the bottom line is that your words are powerful to me @ Losingitslowly and I needed to read all of that. Often times gamblers continue gambling because no one cares to try and stop them or to try and tell them things that will stop them. It is such a great thing you have done in using your story and lessons to help others such as myself. I can say I have not gambled since I posted the first post in this thread, and am aiming for that to have been the last time.
3 April 2022 at 1:22 pm #151868
We win, while I appreciate your sentiment on what I say, talk is cheap. I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten wonderful advice on this site from experienced and well meaning people and just ignored it because I thought that I would have this problem “licked” in a week if I made my mind up. Its bull shit. After a week my mind began to think that I could handle a little bit of gambling and before I knew it I was in for all the money I could find. It will be the same for you, as it’s been for everyone on here, and in a week you will be feeling all of the same feelings that you are now. The tired of gambling, the helplessness, the anger at yourself can be easily replaced by hope and pride and a feeling of achievement if you simply go and self exclude at the casinos in your area. Put the blocks in place- all of them, because as long as you have a way to gamble, you will. Think of it as an addiction to alcohol. The first few weeks your body (for us, our brains) is going to crave the substance (for us, the dopamine) and will make it nearly impossible for you to resist. If you use me as an example, I am on day 24. The first two weeks I tried everything I could to get through the gamban security on my devices repeatedly. I even entertained the idea of going to the casino even though I had self excluded there three years ago. It will take some power greater than your will at this point. I understand that the feeling in the pit of your stomach is uncomfortable when you think about not being able to gamble and so you dont want to put those blocks in place, but you need to fight through it now. I was one that always did the half job, and always had ways to relapse, so I did. It’s not until gamban did an update that closed a loophole that I could be free of the temptation. Look at who you have become. Gambling has done this to you. Why would you want to leave the door open for it to do this to you over and over. One thing you said that hit home is that it’s harder for you to recover from your losses
as you get older. The losses are going to get bigger and bigger and the opportunity gets smaller and smaller. Please dont get into a place that you wont have time to get out of. I will be fine, now that I am on a good, solid road to recovery, but again, that is only due to closing all of the doors that were open to gambling myself. I hope that you will heed this with the urgency that is sent. My best to you today and to all.
3 April 2022 at 3:31 pm #151889
@ Losingitslowly, you are absolutely right.
Many times this thought creeps into my head: “The gambling itself wasn’t wrong, it was just that I lost, but had I won…”
That is always how the addiction creeps its way back into my life. I’ll start to think that if I had done something differently such as sitting at a different table, going at a different time, leaving earlier, etc etc, then I would have won and wouldn’t be in this or that predicament (I turn it into me losing being the problem rather than gambling being a sick addiction). All of those scenarios play out in my head.
I don’t know if banning will work for me. I don’t gamble online, my problem is the casino. I’ve banned myself before and when I banned myself I still drove to further casinos.
I don’t think banning is the solution for me. I have to get back to how I was before, and that is, being able to not gamble/ place bets even when the option to is right there (this is how I was for a good period of time, but I believe what triggered the casino relapses was when I got into stock/option trading). I also need to get back into the mindset that money is something that needs to be earned and it takes time to earn, because when I gamble, I always convince myself that I deserve better than to work hard for my money since I have had such a difficult life up to this point. I convince myself things like the casino owes me or I deserve easy money or my strategies need to work, etc.
Anywho, I am working on staying away, and think it will be easier to do so when I find some consistent means of income, as I am currently unemployed (and not getting unemployment due to them being “backed up”).
Thank you again for your response. It gives me more points to reflect on in terms of this horrible addiction and how to defeat it.
4 April 2022 at 12:15 pm #151948
Let me begin by saying that banning works for everyone if you abide by it. I was not an avid casino gambler but when I went, boy did I lose big. I was always left with the most horrible feeling afterwards and swore never to go again. I had posted on this site years ago and was told to self exclude from the casino so I did. The next time I went and lost big and felt horrible I followed that feeling to the office and self excluded right away. I went to other casinos afterwards and when I lost and felt horrible I self excluded. It is the right time to do it when you are at your worst because it will prevent you (if you abide by the ban) from going again and feeling as bad. You must understand right now that your mind is holding on right now to hope. If will tell you that the ban is not the answer. It will convince you that you will find a way, maybe when you are busier with a job, and you wont have time to gamble. Bull shit. I have two jobs and still found time. You will still gamble and maybe it will make you lose your job. You must make a vow to yourself that the next time you go to a casino you will self exclude as you leave. Every casino. It will put a greater barrier, as kin says, a higher level of barrier, between you and your addiction. It is the only way. I convinced myself that I could live with a loop hole in my barriers. I could gamble on my phone, but I wouldn’t. I could have just gotten a new phone that would have closed the loophole but I convinced myself that that wasnt necessarily needed. It was my hope, like yours, leaving room for me to gamble if I was really good and disciplined. Bull shit. It’s only when the loophole closed and I was cut off that I began to recover properly and now I can see that false hope for what it was. Desperation. You are dealing with desperation and the thought that you wont be able to gamble when the desire hits you is scary. Fight that with all that you have because that is what will continue to pull you in each time. If the casino is there and you can go, you will. I hope that I am wrong and that you wont, but your brain is going to convince you otherwise. Be safe and gamble free today.
4 April 2022 at 1:39 pm #151953
Wow, I just read your reply and it’s crazy. Your writing is so powerful. I am very tired and fatigued because I have been pushing hard to stay afloat financially (as in putting in much effort to try and keep from losing the little I have left such as the roof over my head) so I don’t have a thoughtful or lengthy reply, but I will say once again, wow, your writing is powerful. Also, I have gone another day without gambling so I now have roughly around two consecutive clean days.
4 April 2022 at 5:35 pm #151972
I’m sorry if I’m being too abrupt but I am trying to save you from the months of mistakes that I have made and the money, of course. You seem to be in a very precarious position. You must do what is right for you and in the end only you know what that is. Come at this with a clean mind and a thirst for real change and you will find your way. Take care and keep adding the days to your tally.
6 April 2022 at 3:40 pm #152077
We win, I hope that all is well and that you are staying gamble free. Check in with us please.
6 April 2022 at 8:52 pm #152092
I am still clean since the time I posted the first post in this thread. I know that’s not a lot of clean time, but I’m working on it.
I have actually thought of some of the things you said in this thread during times I thought about going to help prevent me from going, and they helped me stay away, so your posts have been powerful.
7 April 2022 at 12:15 pm #152124
We all start our journeys in the single digits and those can be the hardest ones to chalk up. I remember trying to get past the 7 day mark every week. I would get to 6 and the 7th day would always be a day off or a time when I had lots of downtime before work and i would relapse. I am glad that you are thinking about not going when you are thinking of going. That’s usually my downfall because i have an impulse control issue and when i think of doing something that catches my attention then i have a hard time thinking about anything else. I would travel for hours by transit ,which would give me lots of opportunities to change my mind, but once i thought about going to the casino and put a plan in place nothing would deter me. I hope that you are well and making your way down a better path. Just remember ALWAYS that the best system to have money is not to give it to the casino. It’s what you will end up doing in the long run. You might as well just mail them the cheque and save yourself the gas money. Good luck today.
7 April 2022 at 12:47 pm #152129
Yea, I’ve had that similar issue with the problems with self-control when it comes to gambling. Several times when I felt like I was completely done with gambling due to the damage and pain from the losses, I would impulsively/compulsively go when I had some money with a vengeance to get my money back. Every single time I’ve lost, and even if I did win, I eventually lost. I live close to a cardroom that has my game of preference, but for me, it’s not about banning myself from every single casino/cardroom, I know it’s more about self-control. I’ve had lots of consecutive clean time in the past. I remember my self-control was so good at one point, I went to a casino with friends who wanted to go, and I didn’t play anything, because I knew the first bet would be stepping on another path to destruction. I am working on getting back to that. It is easier when I have a job and am living with more purpose. I am currently unemployed and questioning my purpose so it is hard. I know it (my purpose) is not gambling though. I’ve done so much damage these past few months, it’s ridiculous. I am just going to stay away, be patient, take opportunities that come my way that align with my healthy passions, and go from there. Thanks again @ Losingitslowly, a lot of what you share is so helpful, especially since it’s honest and not sugarcoated.
7 April 2022 at 8:13 pm #152161velvetModerator
When your addiction means that you cannot win if you gamble then there is no sugar coating that will make that fact any better. If you believe that a win from gambling is going to end your problems then that is not going to happen either.
No amount of sugar coating will make a gamble-free life easy at the beginning. Know your enemy, know that the devil called complacency will be waiting for you but have the knowledge, courage and determination to know you can beat him. You have the knowledge and support here.
I am writing to you because I have had the overwhelming joy of seeing someone close to me learn to control his addiction and live a wonderful life as a result. I have also had the pleasure of meeting and hearing many more who have travelled the road you are on and found fantastic gamble-free futures.
I know you can win, not with gambling but just by being the man you want to be.
Keep posting, you are being heard
8 April 2022 at 1:22 pm #152193
We win, I am glad that I can be of help to you at the same time I am managing my own struggles. I am looking at time that I could never have been gamble free in the past and can honestly say that it never would have happened had I not had effective blocks in place. I know that I have some self control or I would have been at a land based casino at some point in time, but I also know that I have serious impulse control issues that I have never addressed and will most likely need to do so. As for your purpose on life, that cannot always be discerned at a given point in time. I always believed that all the crap that I had to go through in life was for a purpose, building me into the person that I was and hopefully shaping others that I have mentored along the way. I have always tried to be there for others and will always be. I am known as mom at my work and am good at being there for people when they need me while at the same time not being there for my own child because of gambling. That has changed now and I feel more balanced with every passing day and hopefully you will too. Your fight is with your brain. It is not operating with your best intentions in mind so you will have to be suspicious of all that it leads you to do. Be cautious and be safe.
12 April 2022 at 3:12 pm #152435
We win, I saw your post on another thread and am so happy that you are able to abstain. I keep looking for your posts daily and wouĺd like you to keep on your thread so you can see your own progress Instead of just jumping quickly on to others. I am quite flattered that you are able to glean some useful advice from my posts and I will always speak my truth if others are able to find it useful. I still struggle every day at this point when on a computer or phone to not to try to play, and I did find a casino I could play on today but only played demo games. My desire to have the good feelings that I associate with gambling is still present, but the fact that I cant play, for the most part, because of gamban being installed, is my saving grace. I hope that ypu are able to hold your urges in check and find something else to take its place. How is the job search going? Are you looking at all different kinds of employment as options to keep yourself occupied and help earn cash to get you back on your feet? The second job that I took is a menial job that requires little experience but will earn me an extra $ 700 per month that I can use to pay down my debt. Have you thought about getting something like that? I hope that you are well and gamble free today
14 April 2022 at 9:52 am #152545
I just wanted to give an update. I am still clean and I don’t know how. For the past three nights, possibly more, I’ve had at least one dream about gambling/ the casino each night. I am not sure how I did not relapse.
My mind has continued to try and map out strategies and systems to win a small amount every day. Fortunately, with the money I had saved up recently, I paid off one person I owed instead of taking that money to test out these “strategies” and “systems”. I still owe money to three more people, and am focused on paying that off. I owe tons of money to loans and other debt (such as school loans and credit), but I don’t like owing people money for long because it just doesn’t feel right, so I am indeed focused on paying them off.
Again, I am not sure how I am still clean. It’s been a combination of things such as Gamblers Anonymous meetings, the little blue “A Day At A Time” book (this book is very helpful and there is something different to read for each day in the year), Losingitslowly’s posts here on these forums, and me knowing that my mind, body, and soul can no longer take these casino/gambling losses (I’m older now and no longer recover the same from losses, and the several losses I’ve already had has beaten me down much). Of course I also give credit to God, for giving me the strength to stay away from gambling (I’ve recognized that we have free will and can choose to do right or wrong every day, and deep down I know that going to gamble is going against God’s preference and going to do wrong).
With that being said, I am going to continue to fight this nasty/sick/evil addiction/demon. I know it won’t be easy, but those days or nights after relapsing and losing everything are too cold, and I can say that I don’t feel that coldness when I’m not gambling.
29 April 2022 at 1:38 pm #153579
Hey we win, sorry to have been gone for so long but its spring here, and lots of new things to do. I am present for the first time in a long time. I wake each day feeling like I’ve done something wonderful instead of dealing with guilt and humiliation. I can sleep better and I feel better. I never knew what gambling had done to me until I stopped and took a good look on the mirror. People react to me differently because I am different. I havent been really late for work or missed a day in months. I’m early, refreshed and have a positive attitude every day. I’m tired, yes, but it’s a good tired and not the mental exhaustion that I had from gambling benders. I get things done. I dont just think about getting them done, I do them right away. Its living in the moment because I am physically and mentally present and able to do things and it is wonderful. I am working on getting myself out of the financial hole I am in without anyone’s help by being thrifty and careful with my funds. It gives me a sense of control and responsibility that fuels my feeling of self reliance and that, in turn, helps to combat any need to gamble. Good things will come in time, and it is said that anything worth having is worth working for, so there lies the rub. Work for what you want to have and be thankful when you have it. Hope you are well and gamble free today
30 April 2022 at 9:28 am #153625timetostopParticipant
We win iv just read your post and am myself new to this community and many others I haven’t gambled in quite a while but only recently admitted that I was a gambling addict and not just that it was a problem it took me losing nearly everything. The advice offered here is a lot better than any I could give I (as can many) can just relate heavily to your story. The systems/hacks money making SURE bets I think iv tried most of them always expecting a different out come it never is and it wasn’t until I realised I could win the lottery and would still justify losing it all gambling that I knew I was in trouble. I know the feeling of not wanting to go on and feeling that the debt is the reason to go back it wasn’t until I was able to separate the two that as @losingitslowly just said the fog lifted and I realised my depression and dark thoughts were indeed partly there because of the debt but predominantly it was the gambling that was causing the spiral I was able to move forward. I’m now trying to move forward day by day and tackling each challenge one by one. I found that QuitGamble had a happiness test and some really helpful course, the change plan is a really good place to start it helped me reflect and write down not just what has happened but to look forward and for the first time in a long time I feel I can look to the future and appreciate what is in front of me.
Sorry for the rant still getting used to writing in forums I hope you are still keeping well and taking it day by day.
3 May 2022 at 9:04 pm #153839
I’m writing this to give an honest update about my addiction. I got some money from unemployment on the 18th. It was a lump sum check due to backpay. I used that to pay off multiple people who I had borrowed from. Of course, due to me being tired of scraping by with scraps, I went back to the casino and tried my per trip / per visit strategy. I tweaked the strategy a bit in order to add a backup strategy to it. I ended up turning the 2 point something or 3 or 4 grand I had leftover from the unemployment check into 8800 in less than two weeks. I started going to the casino multiple times in a day to use the strategy. It worked every time, but even the times it didn’t work, the backup plan worked. I thought my luck was changing.
Anywho, in between this time, I went to a dealership to try and buy a gas saver so I could do Lyft/Uber as something for guarantee money. They told me my credit was too bad for a car loan. After that, I knew that was bad because now my plan to do something with the winnings went down the drain, as I knew it was a matter of time before the system would not work and cost me money.
Regardless, I continued the strategy. Fast forward, a few times, the strategy did not work, and it costed me thousands. Just yesterday, I ran into a time of it not working again, and instead if stopping, I grabbed 3600 more on top of what I had just lost to chase those losses and gambled it compulsively with no strategy. I had no idea what had gotten into me, as I was firing 300 to 1000 per hand. Of course, after a few minutes, all of that was gone. I barged out of the casino wondering why the heck I let myself do that. Why did I lose so much in one sitting betting recklessly after spending so much time and so many trips to win 80 dollars give or take for each visit.
Here I am, broke again. It’s my fault, as it always is. I’m not sure what to do but wait as time heals this. I still am not sure what to do for money, as currently the only option I have takes almost all day to make maybe 80 dollars if I’m fortunate (doing deliveries in a car that eats lots of gas). I don’t know if I can go back to that after making up to 200 per trip / per day type using the non guarantee strategy. Anywho, there’s your update. I feel like nothing.
4 May 2022 at 1:23 pm #153885
Well, you are living up to your name. That was brutally honest. I’m not hearing that you are regretting going back into the casino, only that you are regretting losing control. It sounds like you plan on going back if you get more money. You need to face the fact that it doesnt matter if your plan works every time, some of the time or never. You are an addict and you will lose it all. I know how it feels to win. It’s not like I lost all of the time. I Have won some big jackpots and that is what kept me in the hole. The more you win the longer you play until it is all gone. It’s simple. You are addicted to the play, and it will never be enough. I used to play online for 8 to 12 hours straight, get a headache and still be unable to stop until it was all gone. The best advice is to not start. Any money you get is money you dont lose. Stop thinking about the money as a way to win more. It wont be the outcome that your gambling mind sets out. You will lose it all and maybe more. I’m not sure if anything that I can say will seep in when the fog has your brain hostage, but try to shake it out and start over. Perhaps you should go to a GA meeting. Look around the room and see how many rich, well adjusted gambling addicts walk into the room for help. If you are an addict it will be only to your detriment to continue.
4 May 2022 at 4:02 pm #153900
Once again, your response was written/put very well. You are extremely on point and accurate. Even when you said it sounds like I plan on going back if I get more money. That’s exactly what I did prior to you posting your response and after I wrote my last response.
I actually had about two grand left and I told myself I was done yesterday and that I’d live normal with this two grand, but what did I do? As an unemployed person with no consistent source of income, I went and tried the strategy again. I ended up going back and forth to and from the casino/cardroom and got up about 900 give or take by trying to win 120 each trip. Of course, the strategy didn’t work long before it failed, which costed me that 900 plus more. What did I do after that? I went home and told myself I was done. Less than an hour or so later, my mind convinced me to grab 1000 of the last money I had to try and win it back playing without a repetitive strategy, and instead playing however I felt in the moment. I lost that in a matter of minutes and then went back again with my last money, a little bit over 100.
Then I realized. I am sick. I probably needed to lose all of my money because I need to feel the struggles of a gambling addict to stay away forever. I am at day 1 again, and aim to quit forever, but I also acknowledge that I am sick with this addiction, a challenging addiction that convince me to go even after I decided I wouldn’t (impulsive/compulsive). It will not be easy to shake this addiction, but I know part of it comes with bettering my situation so I don’t get caught up with gambling.
5 May 2022 at 11:54 am #154010
I’m sorry that this happened to you again but you need to get your head out of your ass. You dont need to lose everything to realize you have a problem and that you need to stop. There are no people that can play those odds and still live a productive life. You will win and you will lose. That’s the game. You are still focusing on the winning so much that the system in your head seems viable. I know that if I put enough money into a slot machine that I will hit a bonus eventually and probably win some of it back, maybe more, but if I keep playing the slot machine will take it all back. Same with cards. The odds will be with you and then against you at some point. The problem with compulsive behavior is that you cant stop when it’s in your favor. You will play until you can no longer play. It will all be gone. The sooner you accept this the sooner you can move on. I understand thoroughly the feelings that you are dealing with and in your head you keep thinking that “but I do win so if I can just learn to win and quit I can make this work”. You cant learn to just walk away if you are a compulsive gambler and you have to make the decision now if you are going to keep going until you are broke and in a desperate situation or are you going to walk away, pick up the pieces and move on. That’s what I did. I didnt have to lose everything to realize that my situation was getting critical and I am at the point where I have injured my finances but they are not broken. Dont keep punching yourself in the face until you are unrecognizable. You are bloody and beaten, but you will heal. Put all of that energy spent trying to beat the systems to a better use. You cant and wont win in the long run. Hope you are better today.
5 May 2022 at 1:02 pm #154017
I will not lie, I relapsed once again after my last reply. I told myself I was done gambling, woke up and got into my car to do deliveries to try and recover some money (keep in mind, the deliveries are not always available, so it’s a very mind-boggling thing knowing that I most likely won’t find financial stability in doing these deliveries). As I was doing these food deliveries, I asked someone to borrow a thousand dollars (someone who I had just recently paid back) and I made up some lies to borrow that thousand. That felt like crap, but I was determined to make more money from that money because in my mind, that would be not letting that person down.
After borrowing this thousand dollars, of course in my greedy mind, the money I made doing deliveries wasn’t enough (well it truly isn’t much anyway), so I went to the casino/cardroom once again to test out the “strategy” to win some gas money and to save me some time (as in, “hey, I can make money in the casino/cardroom much faster than with doing deliveries, then I can save time and relax more”). It worked, but of course out of greed (and due to inevitable losses that always come with the casino/cardroom (with gambling)), I went back more than once to try and do it again and again. Of course less than 24 hours later after continuously going back, the “strategy” didn’t work (it actually didn’t work multiple times), which caused me to resort to my plan b, chasing the money back with what I had leftover. Long story short, there were ups and downs and it led to the inevitable losses. I walked out of the casino/cardroom empty handed once again, feeling sick and disgusted, especially after just borrowing money from a loved one (who certainly could have used that money for something better) and lying to them to borrow that money.
At one point, I had even doubled my money after resorting to the plan b play-however-you-want-with-the-money-you-have-left-over-to-chase-the-money-you-lost “strategy” (and even after doubling what I had went in with, it still wasn’t even the money back that I had just lost the night before (it’s disgusting even thinking about this)). Of course, we always say in hindsight when we should have left (or what we should have or could have done), knowing that there is no way to gauge this when you are gambling. Regardless, the inevitable losses came once again.
I left feeling sick and livid, but just couldn’t think too much about it, as I felt/feel like breaking down but I don’t want to let evil win by seeing me defeated and giving up on life, so I kept my chin up.
Now I am at home typing this up, not knowing how I am going to recover (the funds), but more importantly, not knowing how I am going to stop this addiction from taking its toll.
I am fatigued, I am disappointed, I am embarrassed, I am ashamed, I am sad for my loved ones who got stuck with me as a son, and a brother, and a relative.
This is my honest update.
5 May 2022 at 1:14 pm #154019
I just read your reply Losingitslowly, and I must say, you are great/excellent at knowing exactly what needs to be said and saying it. You are on point with everything you said, especially the not continuously punching yourself in the face until you are unrecognizable (that is deep). This addiction can and will do that to you if you let it. You can become an ugly person that can no longer be recognized by those who used to know and love you.
I am in pain right now, but I am also numb (the numbing is an attempt for me to try and limit the pain I feel from this). I have lost all my money at this point and am basically back to nothing financially. Mother’s day is coming up (which is going to be a sad time for me (because I won’t be able to give my mom anything) due to the poor decisions I have made). To be honest, being unemployed and being broke (after losing what I had due to the gambling addiction), I am not sure what I am going to do next or how I am going to recover. My only hope currently seems to be in prayer. Of course I will put in effort to better my life, but it appears that options are very limited at the moment. It almost seems as if there is no way out of this if I am being honest (it feels like I will be stuck being a broke addict (and even if I do somehow beat this addiction, it feels like I’m still going to be stuck being broke regardless)).
6 May 2022 at 12:37 pm #154117
We win, if I’m on point it’s because I speak from experience. My gambling was a slow build, starting from just playing little bits of free money that the casinos would give you to gradually spending my bank limits of $1000 per day when I had the cash. I’ve lost lots over the last decade and am at a point where I really cant lose more or it will be my home next. I HAVE TO stop and it’s time for me to take a good look at myself and what I’ve done and fix it. That’s it. When I talk about punching yourself in the face until unrecognizable (metaphorically speaking) I had been doing the same to myself for the last few years. The end result was that I had become an unreliable mother and employee who was missing days and days of work due to gambling and my professional reputation was in ruins. I had spent over 30 years building my career and reputation only to have my vice tear it to shreds. Even my family suffered at the hands of my addiction as I would not show up to family functions or if I did it was unshowered and in pajamas. It was not me. I had transformed into something unrecognizable. I am getting better now in all fields and it is because the fog has cleared and my focus has returned. It’s not that I dont think about gambling ever, it’s that its hold on me has lessened and the pull is just not there. I can make decisions whether I want to or not based on a number of factors and not just based on an urge that is all consuming. It happens, but only after you abstain for long enough to release its grip, and you have to white knuckle it if possible until that time. If you dont break its hold on you then you will never be able to use that part of your brain that it has taken over. Think of it as a drug. Or alcohol. Whatever necessary so that you gain the perspective that it’s got a hold on you. It’s not a system that you have, it’s a system that has you. You are at its mercy every time you try it because it takes over. Do whatever you need to shake the monkey.
7 May 2022 at 3:12 am #154177
@ Losingitslowly, wow at, “it’s not a system that you have, it’s a system that has you.” That one hit extremely deep.
Once again, everything you have written has been on point. I recently just told myself that none of the “systems” or “strategies” or betting patterns I mapped out or tried work (no matter how I try to configure them in my mind). They all lead to the inevitable losses, losses that do lots of damage.
But now with the addition of what you said, I now view it as a system that has me. After everything I’ve experienced and heard, maybe it’s now enough for me to stop for good.
7 May 2022 at 11:32 am #154191
We all are “had” . We would not go back unless we thought we could win. There was always a slot, it changed over the years, but there was always one where I would win big on a few times and I figured that that was “my game”. I would play it endlessly until I lost every penny of my money. The music from the game bonus rounds would play in my head while I tried to sleep, like a siren song, and I was helpless. The only time I was able to stop was when I banned myself from one casino or another and I could not play it. It’s the only thing that worked for me ( until I found another game on another casino) so that’s why I say that putting blocks in place will go a long way to helping you get the monkey off your back in the first few weeks. I am now able to stay away on my own because the cycle has been broken. The fog in my head, the dependency, like one to drugs or alcohol, has been broken and it is much easier now. Break the cycle. Either blocks or self control but one way or another you have to stop the fog. Have you tried looking for more work? Keeping myself busy is a great help on the first few weeks and it could be helpful on so many fronts for you as well (money for debt especially, ) Keep fighting and hope that strength finds you today
9 May 2022 at 10:21 am #154317
Thank you for everything @ Losingitslowly.
Unfortunately, I relapsed again yesterday. It’s 2am right now where I’m at. Yesterday on Mother’s Day, I had urges of being in a better financial situation to maybe get my mom something nicer as I’ll be seeing her later today (so I’ll be celebrating Mother’s Day with her today).
Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, because maybe I’ll quit now, but to be honest, I’ve told myself several times before this that I’d quit), I lost, but of course I couldn’t stop after I lost the amount I was supposed to stop at. I pulled out some more from my debit card and lost some more. I only had 200 dollars left to my name after that and could not bring myself to go get and bet that because it would have hurt me too much if I didn’t even have the gas to make it to see my mom later today.
I’m sick. I recognize that. Not only am I sick, I’m broke. Not only am I sick and broke, but I don’t see a way out of this struggle.
9 May 2022 at 10:32 pm #154357charlesModerator
Ok so this thread is called “Brutally Honest.”
So lets be BH – nothing will chane until things change. Another thread you started was about asking an honest question – you got a lot of suggestions there and here. You didnt respond to the ones there. Are you now banned from the casino where you have been gambing? If online have you installed a blocker? On your other thread you mentioned some quite large sums of money – have you put some accountability and financial barriers in place? Have you checked out your local GA meeting?
When struggling we all have a choice – take some of the actions we don’t want to take now – or to be BH wait until deeper in the s**t and have to take them then.
I hope you take some of those actions now and then you can replace the “maybe I will quit now” with “I WILL quit now”
Keep posting, maybe see you in a group here soon as well. let us know the positive actions you are taking.
10 May 2022 at 4:49 pm #154428
Well said Charles. We win, you need to put some blocks in place to help you through this period when it is so hard to stop. There is no other way to say it, but you just dont have the control over your addiction at this point and, just as rehab would do, you need to be restricted in access to your source, which is the casino. Please take a step forward and help yourself stop. Have yourself excluded from the casinos and put software on your devices. There is no other advice that would be helpful at this point after reading your pleas. Take this as the gospel. You need help and the first step is to take this seriously.
11 May 2022 at 11:43 am #154486
@ charles, to be honest man, your reply comes off a bit condescending and assumptious/assumptuous. It isn’t encouraging at all and actually makes me not want to post anymore. The tone of it sounds like a response from a person who can’t empathize with a gambling addict, so I’m going to disregard it.
Hello @ Losingitslowly, I have banned myself from casinos in the past. I found they do not work because I end up just driving to the next closest one, and I have driven quite far to gamble, multiple times in a day (when my addiction was very bad) to be honest. I’m attending GA meetings, which helps a bit, but apparently they aren’t helping enough because I just relapsed again today and got back from the casino/cardroom 30 minutes ago (after losing the last $300 to my name) (it is 3:40am right now).
I am sick. Do not be like me. I have been praying for a way to provide for myself and others so I don’t have to resort to attempting these different “strategies” to try and make a living, but it seems those prayers have not been answered yet. I feel low. I feel like giving up on life often. This is my honest update.
11 May 2022 at 12:29 pm #154493
We win, I am at a loss. The only suggestion that I can offer is that as soon as you lose at a casino, when you are feeling crappy and used up, that you self exclude from that casino as you are leaving. It is what i did years ago and I’ve not been back since. The covid pandemic has helped because they were closed, but I am afraid to go in because there is a risk that I will be arrested. I cant take that chance. It is so very clear that you dont have the ability to abstain on your own. It’s ok. It’s a problem that we all have had at one point in time or another, and if you put me within range of a casino at my lowest point then I may have been exactly in your spot. There is very little you can do other than just hit rock bottom, lose all of your money and maybe end up homeless. Would that be enough to stop you? There has to be a way for you to stop without that being the inevitable course. Have you thought about getting a job? I know that you have stated that you are unemployed and out of work in your field. Have you thought about just getting a job outside your field other than food delivery? You need to have a job that takes your time away from being able to gamble. I am so busy some weeks that I dont even have time to think about it. You need a control in your life. You need restrictions. You need blocks. If and until you do things to disable your trips to the casino the cycle will continue. You have to stop. You seem like you cant. Other than a treatment facility that will do what needs to be done, which is simply stop you from going and treat the disease, there is little you can do that hasnt already been told to you. YOU CANT SEEM TO STOP YOURSELF SO FIND A WAY TO STOP YOURSELF FROM BEING ABLE TO GAMBLE. So many ways have been suggested. Try some of them. Do something other than dig yourself deeper into the hole you’re in. You dont seem to want to stop enough to do anything about it. When will enough be enough for you? I’m not trying to be mean or condescending, its just that you just dont seem to get it. You have to stop. Will it help for you to think of gambling as a drug? You are in so deep that you cant seem to go a day without it. Do something else because what you are doing isnt working.
11 May 2022 at 1:37 pm #154499
Thank you for all you’ve said. You are right, no matter how many times I tell myself I’m done, that other voice creeps in and says “no, you can win if you do the strategy better,” or “no, you sat at the wrong table last time, if you do it differently this time, you can make a living off of this, go, try again, there is no other legal way you can make money this fast and easy,” so then I listen to that voice and relapse, and then when I leave home empty handed I feel so stupid and guilty.
This has been a repetitive routine for me. It also isn’t good that the “strategy” has worked sometimes. That keeps reinforcing my attempts to try again (my relapses). Even though the reasonable voice in my head says the inevitable losses are coming (as I’ve said before in my posts), the irrational addict voice says “no, if you do it well enough you can keep winning.”
I am fighting to get out of this. I am, but I am being honest about this battle/war and its struggles.
11 May 2022 at 7:05 pm #154529
Ok we win. Now, what are you going to do about it. It’s not enough to concede. You need a plan. Your system is not unique. I have won tens of thousands at one time on a slot machine. It doesnt mean that I have a system that works. It means that I got lucky. Change that voice in your head from “the system works sometimes” to ” I got lucky this time” and you will be singing a totally different song. Every time you go back you prove that there are lucky and unlucky and that the unlucky will outnumber the lucky every time. The only people that fare well at these kinds of games are the ones who can lose a little and leave or win and leave. You cant do either. Enough with the acknowledgment of what is going on and come up with a plan to stop the cycle. We have all been at this juncture and now it’s time to formulate a plan of action. What are you going to do to stop yourself from going back again?
12 May 2022 at 10:48 am #154589
@ kin, wow at, “if you do not stop the gambling, the gambling will stop you.” That one hit hard, like jail, death, or homelessness.
@ Losingitslowly, you are so right. It’s not that the system works sometimes, it’s that I get lucky sometimes. And you are absolutely right, I can almost never leave (or maybe just never instead of “almost” never) leave when I lose a little. I have left after a win, but I go back shortly after so that is not truly leaving, that’s actually more like taking a break.
These past two days have been some of the coldest days in my life. I had less than 20 dollars to my name because of the gambling and I laid in bed for two days straight. I had to will myself to get out of bed a few hours ago.
I contacted a GA member late at night yesterday whose number I got from another GA member. He suggested I go to a GA meeting I hadn’t before. I went ahead and did that later on that same day. During the beginning of the meeting, I made a vow to myself that I would start going to a GA meeting every day. I’ve never done this, as I’ve typically gone to the same weekly one I go to. This will be an attempt to make a change for good. I heard some cold stories at this new GA meeting such as one member collecting cans when they were homeless then gambling that money at the end of the week. Another member shared that they had panhandled for money to gamble. It was really cold hearing those stories, but I knew I wasn’t alone because I too have scraped the bottom of the barrel to work for hours and hours and save bits just to gamble it away.
I have not gambled today, and hopefully today can be the start of no longer gambling ever again.
12 May 2022 at 7:16 pm #154640charlesModerator
Going to different GA meetigns is a good idea. I get different things from different meetings. It’s also good that if/when I can’t get to what is my regular meeting I have no problem going to a different one that week as my face is known at most in my area.
You will hear different “cold stories” , gambling can put us in scary places in life. Look around the room as well though – there will be people there, who are just like you, who are no longer gambling. They are no better than you so think about what they are doing that you can apply to your own situation?
Whatever actions you take it is best to take them now, while you are hurting and don’t want to gamble, so that those things are already in place if/when any urges and temptation return.
You can stop gambling.
12 May 2022 at 9:47 pm #154653Dark EnergyParticipant
wewin, it is sad to read about all these relapses within this short period, and really there is nothing I can add, you had really good advice from the members, but I may suggest if you can think loudly with us here and type a plan, you are in this situation where you are relapsing every 2 or 3 days, what is your plan, what blocks you are going to apply, how you are going to stop this. writing it down will clear the fog, but just saying I will stop and keeping everything vague is not helpful.
you need to plan from now on how you will stop this addiction and please keep the willpower out of the plan because it will let you down at the first test.
I hope you all the best.
14 May 2022 at 12:27 pm #154826
We win, it sounds like we all have the same tone in our posts to you – what is your plan to stop? It’s not enough to want to stop, you have to make a plan. As you can see, I posted about my relapse yesterday. I still need to update my plan weekly to avoid some of the triggers and dangers that still exist in my immediate circle. What are your plans to keep yourself away from your triggers? You need a plan that will work for you. I have issues with online casinos and I have to avoid emails and offers that are sent to me while I am home, in the danger zone, to prevent relapses. My plan is to not look at emails while I am home so that I cant access the gambling and delete them while I have no options to gamble. It has been working for me in the past few months so I need to reinstate it again. Have you put any blocks in place to limit your triggers and access? I hope that you are well and get back to us soon.
18 May 2022 at 5:12 pm #155209
I was doing pretty well, fighting urges, going to meetings, etc. I had 7 days clean. I have no idea what happened.
I made a commitment to go to a meeting at least once a day. I went to another one yesterday.
Today, the devil was at works. For some reason I didn’t get a full sleep. I woke up and could not get back to sleep. The temptations to try the “strategy” again crept in. I went to the casino/cardroom and the cards came so ugly, the “strategy” didn’t even work/succeed once. I then proceeded to chase those losses with everything I had left and lost it. The way the cards came I knew it was the devil. I was the only one who was playing in the casino. When I went to blackjack, it didn’t matter if I hit or stayed, the cards favored the dealer. This is how I knew it was the devil from the time I woke up to the temptations. It’s like he woke me up, put the thoughts in my mind that I could win, and made me relapse once again, knowing the cards were going to come how they came.
I was starting to get a grasp on clean time, but unfortunately I lost control again and relapsed and lost. It was the last $700 I had to my name. It’s like I work so hard to save a little bit of money and lose it in a matter of minutes. It sucks. I hate this addiction. It honestly makes me hate life. I still dream of a day I can be financially secure and take care of family members without having to gamble (I’m broke with or without gambling, but a lot broker with it to be honest). Anywho, that’s my update. Day 1 again.
18 May 2022 at 7:10 pm #155214
I know the feeling we win, it’s tough fighting it every day and you try to relax, live life and then it sneaks back up.on you again. I am not happy with myself today either, but you had 7 good days , which is a good start, so just keep building on it. Sometimes I’m not sure if its good to count the days or not. When I count the days I remember gambling, I think about the last time I played, and it brings back the desire. I want to think of my life in more than gamble free days most times, and dont want the highlight of my days to be the fact that I didn’t do something, I want to think about the things I did do. Right now it seems that my thoughts of my days are about not gambling and garbage day, and, sigh, it depresses me a bit. Today I will think about not gambling but more so, I will think about doing some gardening and organizing something in my house. I want to look back on today and think about something good that I did and not just about something bad I didnt do. It’s time to free myself from the chains in my mind. Do something worth remembering today and so will I.
20 May 2022 at 3:00 pm #155371
We win, I posted about my new road. It is worth while to look at why you gamble as much as try to find ways to stop. I have had a bit of a revelation about y reasons why and it is time for you to look at why you keep going back. Are you trying to avoid unpleasant feelings like me? What are you trying to escape? Please examine the root cause of your addiction and not just the avoidance of it. Talk to someone and get a new weapon to fight it.
28 May 2022 at 12:45 pm #155992
How are you doing? Check in and let us know.
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