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    • #2655

      Felt like I should start a new thread for myself. My fiancee is a CG and after 2 years of us being together and him getting us into about £35k of debt, lying and cheating on me with his ‘mistress’ that is those evil machines in the bookies…he is finally getting some proper help and is off to Gordon House tomorrow for the 2 week assessment.
      He says that he feels very positive about this and really wants to make a change. Now, as we all have, I have heard this many a time before, usually after a large loss followed by all the self pity. He has been on a complete binge this week after finding out he was going and has blown about £3k!!
      There are a lot of things I have asked him to do this week, knowing that he will be away and despite my begging that he help me as he is really leaving me in the lurch with some things, he has chosen to do none of them but instead further ruin my finances and further upset me by gambling.
      I am scared about him going, I am scared for him (I do love him after all) and worried about how he will cope. I am, however (selfishly or not) more scared and worried for myself. There is only one person in our lives who knows and who I can talk to and she is not in a very good emotional place right now herself so I do not feel she can be my crutch. CG refuses to allow me to tell any of my friends or family as he is ashamed. I am very close with my family so this will be extra difficult having to lie to them about where he is. While he is away his house sale will go through so I will have a lot to deal with, with that. Until then, I have to organise the finances for 2 houses despite the fact that he will not let me have details of his online banking because I will ‘look back through all the money he has gambled lately’ and according to him, I should not press him on this as he deserves some ‘dignity’.
      So I am scared for me, scared how I will cope with life alone for all these weeks. Also scared for what life after GH will look like? Will I still have to be on the edge of my seat whenever he is not in my direct line of sight, or on his mobile or on the laptop? How should I support him whilst he is in GH and when he comes out? What should our relationship as a normal couple, not as 2 miserable people who lives are consumed by the evil soul destroying (far too easily accessible) gambling, look like? Or am I being too hopeful that he will change? Should I just resign myself to the fact that he will always let me down, always hurt me, and then that way I won’t be disappointed?
      I intend to use this site a lot as I am not allowed any of my friends in the real world to help me. I e-mailed the local gamblers anonymous to see if they had gamanon running. They replied that there wasn’t but I was given a telephone number of an F&F who might be able to help me, so I will ring her too. I am receiving counselling through work as I have been off sick with stress due to his gambling. I have also just bought a book from Amazon for families of gamblers…figured it couldn’t hurt?! While he is away I am determined to get myself sorted too. I am fed up of feeling sick with nerves all day, being miserable and unsocialable. I will change to save myself as I can already feel myself slipping away…turning into nothing but a shadow of myself battered to within an inch of my life by this horrendous compulsion which consumes the man I love and plan to marry.

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