21 January 2013 at 4:55 pm #11426will81Participant
I’m looking for some relationship advice here. So, I’m like many of you here… really bad gambler for the past 6-7 years, many many ups and downs. Right now, somewhat gamble free for the past few months. I do make a decent living, but carry an extremely large debt from gambling which affects my long term life.
Over the past two months I met someone new and our relationship is beginning to progress. Nothing serious or official yet, but things are heating up. Basically, she thinks I’m amazing right now, and everytime she says it I always know deep down my own struggle and problem is lying beneath the surface.
At what point do you tell someone new in your life that you have a gambling problem? I don’t want to lead this person on because obviously I have a huge issue.
Will1 February 2013 at 2:50 am #11427nomore 56Participant
Hi Will, I’m not a cg, my hb is. So I just want to address the issue of “when to tell” from my point of view. When I first met my hb he had been what is called a problem gambler for a long time. Even though he had no large debts at that time, but there were issues with money. He borrowed from his family when he couldn’t pay his bills or to finance something he wanted but couldn’t afford. I knew nothing about gambling, nada, zero, not a thing. His family knew that he had a serious problem and some of his friends he made in the military suspected it at least. Nobody mentioned a thing to me though. I thought he was the greatest person on earth and fell for him very hard and very fast. And fell down with him just as hard and just as fast. I did not take his gambling addiction serious at first, because like many people, I was not aware that a behavior can be an addiction just like a substance. Here I am 30 yrs later, married for 29 yrs and looking back at the destruction my hb’s gambling has caused in our lives, especially in the life of our daughter. You read the posts of others on this forum and I don’t have to tell you what can happen. It is like I did not meet and marry my hb but rather his avatar. Like a phantom that didn’t really exist. I can’t say if I would have stayed with him or even married him had I known what was going on. But I feel ******* because I did not have the chance to make an informed decision. Everything I based my feelings and my action on seems to be smoke and mirrors in hindsight. I often wish that someone had told me about it. Of course he was not aware how bad his gambling already was but others were. I think your gf deserves to make a choice when it comes to continuing your relationship and commit to you with eyes wide open. Everything else is deceit imho and simply not fair. Your debt will affect a possible future together, that’s for sure. Maybe this is your chance for a new beginning and a better life without being slave to the addiction. Hiding it from her doesn’t do anybody any good. If she loves you and wants to build a life with you she ***** to know everything. Otherwise the day will come where she finds out and feels betrayed. This is just my take on it of course but I do believe that every good relationship starts with honesty and respect for one another. To this very day my hb does not know how much exactly he lost over the years because he doesn’t remember everything he did. I have a good idea though and it ain’t pretty. I hope you give it some thought…..1 February 2013 at 1:59 pm #11428will81Participant
Thanks NoMore, I know and understand exactly what you’re talking about and don’t wish to be that person. I have told her I have a problem, and I will make it very clear what that means. I still think it depends on how serious we get though before I reveal the full financial details.
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