Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum My Journal Compulsive gambler , chased loss got it back then lost everything again

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  • #47413
    MurrS7
    Participant

    Hey eveybody I just decided to join this today. Have never used anything Like this before so I will just break down my story. I have been gambling for 10 years on and off since I was 18, as soon as I became legal to enter the casino in my city. I am 28 now. My gambling is on and off. I had stopped for about 6 years and when my ex gf and I took a trip to Las Vegas in 2014 it came out again. I knew going there was a bad idea but i went anyways, I left her in the hotel one day and gambled all day and all night long , maxed out a 5000$ credit card and didn’t even have money to pay for my baggage on the way back, back in 2014 5000$ was a lot of money to me And I was devistated as it put me in credit card debt. she was super ashamed and worried of me and saw I had a problem. When I got back to my city I went right back to the casino and started Gambling more all week, I had lost another 4-5000$ and when I went into work my manager saw I was distraught , she asked what’s wrong and I opened up to her. She and I went to the casino that day and banned myself for 5 years. Self ban until year 2020. I felt relieved yet still ashamed and self hatred as I was in a bunch of debt. Fast forward to 2017 my ex and I went to Las Vegas again for our anniversary and I had been gamble free for nearly 3 years. It came out of me again there but It wasn’t in large amounts tis time, won 700$ first day, lost it all the third day plus a few hundred of my Own. Still felt that feeling of pain of a loss i guess because it had been years since gambling. So I get back to my city and of course I can’t gamlbe here because I am banned. Fast forward to 2018 my gf and I break up and I blow through 40k of savings I have worked so hard to save not from gambling but I travel and go party as a single guy now after 5 years and start thinking I’m a millionaire because I have some savings. I take nearly a year off and now I have a beard, so I think maybe they won’t recognize me. Surely i try my luck and I get in, I win 1000$ and I stop for a couple of weeks. Then the worst things happens, my friend invites Me to vegas for labour day weekend. I tell myself don’t go you will gamble there but I go Anyways. first night I break even , second night I win 3500, lose it all the same night, third day I go in a hole lose around 5000, fourth and last day I win 10k, super happy I have to catch my flight in a few hours have 10k in my pocket My trip is payed for and I have some priofits, my friend says let me hold your money you will go lose it i know it. I don’t listen to him and I go lose the 10k in 30 minutes of roulette, feel like complete scum again. So I get back home what do I do I go to the casino which I am banned from, and it spiral out of control, they don’t recognize me with my beard, I start going everyday. Skippping class to gamble, stop working out, lying to family and friends . I became numb to it. I used to get upset When I lost 500$, and fast forward to playing 500-1000$ hands of blackjack or spins of roulette. So I would go in and win 1000-5000$ per trip, then I would lose that much the next day or more , I was going up, down, down. Up. The wins kept me going back. So I tracked all of my gains and losses. One day I lost 15000 and I was devistated, I was gambling with my line of credit. I had to keep chasing and I got it down to -5000 a couple times, and then I stopped for 2 weeks. My sister and family was really proud of me. After 2 weeks I got the urge again and I went one night and won 1200$, I left because I said I don’t wanna feel that feeling of giving it all back. I went back couple days later and won 1500, again I left and went next day won 1600, then again 2 days later won 5000$. I was on cloud 9. I finally got back that 15000$ loss with a bit of profit, and I was so proud I told myself you did It. You got it back ! Now don’t go again , use this as a lesson that you got your money back, have savings again and not a lot of people are able to get back a loss. So few days go by until Saturday night i get off work and I have the urge to go back. Tell myself have a bankroll management , you’ve done well this week . Take a bit if profits once you’re up. Well.. you all know what happens next, I never went up. I lost 6000 in less than 30 minutes, waited until midnight till I caj withdraw more . Took another 2000 climbed back up to 4000 so minus 2500’on the day, should have walked. Got greedy lost it all so 8000 on the day. In less than one hour. Walked out so ashamed as always self hate beating myself up how can I do this. I had gotten my loss back and was so proud and I gave it all back again. Of course woke up in the am took another 1000$ and climbed up a bit just to lose it all. Finally went up to the front of the casino I had enough I told the guy listen I am banned right now and I’ve won and lost over 50k this month I need you guys to re take pics of me within my beard because I am supposed to be banned right now. They did. I feel now a weights lifted off my shoulders but I am so ashamed how bad it got, how much money I’ve won and lost, how I will never see the $ again and how hard it will be to save all what I’ve lost working. I became numb. Insensitive . I wasnt even excited when I was winning anymore , the value of a dollar was gone. 1000$ hands of blackjack , like I was a millionaire. I am now starting from scratch financially but all I can think is at least I am not in debt. But still really hard to swallow what ive done this past month . My family is devistateD, my friends don’t understand my addiction . I guess I just needed to get my story off my chest. With hopes there is others who can relate to this. Maybe I needed to lose it all and re ban myself , because if I had kept winning, I would have kept gambling. And know I would just give it all back eventually. 🙁 thanks for listening. 

    -Stephen

    #47414
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

    Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

    Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

    As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

    And on that note….

    I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #47415
    MurrS7
    Participant

    I have just relapsed the day after I have banned myself
    Chasing my loss at the other casino in my city. Lost 2000
    In an hour and walked out of there feeling numb. Officially now have 0$ to my name. Really in a bad place now have no
    Motivation to go to school , or workout, feel like I don’t have anything to say to anyone when they ask how I am doing. My life has been turned upside down in the past month with this addiction. I now gambled on my line of credit today. I hope I can fight this before it’s too late.

    #47416
    Dignetas80
    Participant

    Gambling is a hidden illness like no other addiction!!! Having read your life story of compulsive gambling, I understand you & feel for you!!! Word by Word of your writing was painful to read, but I am on the same track as you. I really really wish if the world had no gambling issues!!! because Nobody can understand it unless they are made to gamble all their own money within hours!!!

    While we are all suffering, the gambling venues, bookies, online platforms are becoming wealthy and taking exotic holidays from the gambling funds earned via the most vulnerable people. This is my Day 1 & I have decided I can no longer gamble or else I may die in a painful death…. Who cares? apart from compulsive gamblers, Nobody will give a flying bat! The future for compulsive gamblers is very very dark

    #47417
    MurrS7
    Participant

    I hear you completely dignetas80. I am going to self ban from the only other casino here right now. My best friend is taking me. I told him I Am going back in the morning to try to win back my losses and he offered to drive me to self ban. I need to do this for my sanity, I am self destructing and am so depressed from what I’ve done. I can’t even try to talk to women now because I have no money to take them on a date. Can’t enjoy fun times with friends or go out because I’ve blown through so much savings due to my illness. My addiction beat me. It took over my life. I really hope this is the
    End of the battle. I can’t live a life like this of self hatred. I’ve lost my divinity , my sense of life, my happiness, the value of a dollar. Thanks for listening to my story ahd I hope someone reading this can overcome their addiction because its too late.

    #47418
    MurrS7
    Participant

    Before it’s too late *

    #47419
    blackjack412
    Participant

    Hey man I’m new to here too just posted the other day. I have huge swings like u mentioned but when I win big I never leave. I was up 30k one night off $500 and freaking gave it all back! I just got peeled the other night for 10gs. So I definitely feel your pain. The best thing I can say is it’s good you banned yourself and also the fact your 28 and want to stop now. I’m 36 and have been like this since 19 I just have a good job to luckily support it. If you stop now you will have plenty of time to rebound, I have been to negative and dug out many times. Keep your head up and thanks for posting and know your not the only one that does crazy bets and doesn’t walk.

    #47420
    MurrS7
    Participant

    Thanks man I have just banned myself from all casinos in Ontario indefinitely for life. I can apply to be unbanned afternoon one year but hopefully never have to come to that. I really feel like I can get my mental health back
    Now as painful as this last month has been with the sickening swings . I know if I continued I would have probably maxed out my line of credit and credit card because I’m a full time student and only working part time. Everything I lost was savings I have worked so hard for since I was young. All gone now. I’m happy that I have no debt at least and I stopped it before it got to that point. I feel for you bro. I have ran it up to 15-20k with my last 500$ with magical
    Shoes.. leave there feeling like a king.. just to give it all back Days later. I realize.. the more we win, the more money we have to gamble.. and more time we spend gambling.. like zombies .. numb. I am happy I did this and I appreciate your support. Hang in there man. I hope it gets better for both of us .

    #47421
    MurrS7
    Participant

    thanks for reaching out bro I appreciate it . We all have the same mentiality we think of those magical shoes where we get so many blackjacks, all our doubles and splits work for us and so we think it’ll be like that again. Trust me this weekend when I lost over 10k I was never up once, not even incense did i have a a good shoe. It’s  a sign I had to stop this for good. I hope I can  over this loss and look back at it as a memory later on in life. I hope we both can beat this man. I really do. WE need to get out lives back.

    #47422
    MurrS7
    Participant

    I am really struggling today with this it’s eating my alive I don’t
    Know why it’s exam week and I can’t focus in my studies at all I just keep thinking how did I allow myself to lose everything again.

    #47423
    MurrS7
    Participant

    Found out today a surgery I thought was going to be
    Covered under ohip and now had to put 4000$ on my credit card to pay for it. Really keep getting hit this week.
    Never thought of things I could do with the money I have just lost. That Money could have really come in hand right now. We never realize it until it’s gone and we need it for something important . I was so tempted today after I got this news to get a prepaid credit card for 500 and play online blackjack. I never played online before.. I know this is a terrible idea. I didn’t do it.

    #47424
    vera
    Participant

    PLEASE do not gamble online. In March 2015, a member here mentioned, innocently, that “a £4 online bet “won” a 4 figure sum” I’m a seasoned casino gambler. Had no idea how to “play” online but I thought “I could do that ” and lost a very large sum of money in a short time. I thought my 15 year habit of gambling/losing (a 6 figure sum) in land based casinos was bad but that experience almost destroyed me. What saved me? Three members here on GT really came to my rescue. One suggested I should “make a plan” and start saving. I stuck to that plan. Saved all my money back. Plus a bit extra, then last April , after 27 G free months, the effluent hit the air conditioning and I have been withdrawing money to gamble in the casino. I would NEVER try my luck online again. It wiped me out. Take a fool’s advice and put a blocker on your devices before the second thought enters your mind. You have enough on your plate without adding to the misery. As I write, I am gazing at 2 bills -large ones, and saying “Why did I need to bring all this stress back into my life” MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE to gamble, Murr. It will ruin you.

    #47425
    MurrS7
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply . It’s been a tough three days. I think it comes in waves. When I keep hearing classmates talk about their upcoming travels for winter break or what they have bought with their savings. I love to travel and always have . I was planning a trip for my upcoming birthday in December but now it has been cancelled because of my gambling addiction leaving me in debt. I am trying to be greatful for the small things like my
    Family, my health, and couple close friends. I know I will make the money back but I keep beating myself up for the fact that’s I got all of it back and then lost it all again in a matter of a couple hours. I don’t know why it keeps replaying in my head like a true gambler keep asking myself why didn’t you take your advice of having better bankroll management why didn’t you walk when up why couldn’t
    You have switched tables when th shoe was cold like you always have before. Why why why. I need to accept the money is gone and that this is 3 days gamble free. It’s been tough with exam week and I’m trying to focus on the important
    Things and tell myself it’s just money . I will earn it again the hard way… thanks for the support guys I truly have the urge to gamble but banning myself was the first step and I hope I will get over my losses from the weekend.

    #47426
    Nick
    Participant

    Hi Murr 4 days is brilliant keep taking it one day at a time, Vera has given you some great advice , take heed she is a good person who will always give good advice, keep focused on your exams and most of all look after yourself. 🙂

    #47427
    MurrS7
    Participant

    thanks a bunch I appreciate it . I know as the days go on I will get in a better state of mind. It’s just tough right now. Had to get my old job back and will take me half a year just to make

    back what i lost in 2 days. It just sickens me how I lost the value of a dollar and how hard it is to earn. I know it is an illness and I start counselling next week. Just keep having the urge to chase my loss. Sucks

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