[Callmecrazy]

I don’t even know how many times I’ve gotten myself into this mess.  What scares me the most is that I stay away from gambling and most days don’t gamble, but when I do succumb to my addiction a bigger beast comes out to quench its thrist.  All of a sudden 300 euro loss is not enough, it wants to play more.  Gambling away bill money? Not a problem anymore.

I am 50 k in debt spread through bank loans, maxed out credit cards and overdrafts.

However, I promised myself not to think of my debts today.   One day at a time.

    

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[IRockVX]

One day at a time,

Yes indeed. Have you discovered new activities to help you replace gambling? How full are your days/how connected do you feel to activities outside gambling?

Sometimes it’s the urge itself creating the pause from getting deeper activities to replace it when not gambling …

Getting really obsessed with health/being healthy is a good outlet.

Much love and support <3

[Steev]

Thanks for your post. 50K would be the amount of debt I got into through gambling. I found it hard to stop thinking about it – even when I had stopped gambling.

I take it you have read around the site and know the practical things to do to stop – banning yourself from gambling outlets and restricting your access to finance and time for gambling. If you are binging – then it shows that you can stop – it is just staying stopped that is the issue. The next time you feel like binging – stop and think. Check with yourself, what is the trigger to you wanting to bet. Then speak to someone – phone a helpline – someone on here – an understanding and supportive friend. Just talking it out might be enough to stop you from acting out your addicition.

I agree with finding something else to get enthused over – if health doesn’t work for you, try being creative or getting back to nature. I wish you well.

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you for the support. I’m a compulsive gambler, my MO is binge. I know the drill. Barriers, barriers, barriers! I’ve set up new ones. I also have hobbies that I’m passionate about and sometimes my trigger can be getting away from them even though I love them.

My number one trigger is the financial mess I’ve created. That’s why, for me, not gambling is not thinking about my debts. One day at a time.

Sometimes I want to shoot myself but I feel I’m not ready to go yet. I also wouldn’t know where to buy a gun which is good. I’m 40, female, single, no children.

I’m grateful that I still have a job that can service my debts. That this disease has hit me in my thirties after I finshed my masters degree. That I still have a roof over my head. That my career is still ongoing after 15 yrs.

I’m devestated because I piled up so much debt. That I feel guilt, regret, shame. That I still keep doing this to myself. That I can’t stop. That I sometimes can stop but don’t really want to and so many other things.

I hate the gambling industry. It’s a big fat lie. No one can gamble responsibly. Those that can, give it one try, loose and never come back again. Fine, take 40 k give me back 10! I would sign this any time, any day. However, the bastards are greedy pigs, worst of the worst, they will take your last penny and throw you under the brige for what they care.

My favorite time of day is the late evening, an anxiety pill and watching a movie while the medication’s sweet lullaby drives me to sleep.

That’s how I cope with myself. My laptop, no thinking about debt and an anxiety pill.

I’m really fucked up. 

[Steev]

I don’t agree with your last sentence. You are coping the best you can. You are managing your debt – you have kept a home for yourself, you have a master’s degree and you have a job that pays the bills. That says a lot about you.

The important thing now is not to gamble again – not to chase losses – as you know long term you cannot win. I take it that you have sought financial advice? I decided to pay off all my debt – even though I was told that there may be ways around it. Looking back I am not sure I made the right choice, so if you have choices think long and hard about them.

Guilt, shame, regret – I would add feelings of failure – go with the territory. It is only since coming out the other side of both gambling and debt that I feel that I can let go of some of those feelings. Doing so with the support of a community of people helped me – as I have no immediate family. For some that can be GA – for some a religious group – for others a counselling support group – it could be good to check what there is in your area.

If you can, meet up with people in group here – that may be the start of talking things through with people who have been there (and in some cases are still there.) I have only been here a few months but I have been impressed with what a supportive and non-judgemental community exists on this site.

I know you are probably feeling quite down at the moment – but all feelings will pass and when you are stronger please take a look at what you can do to put yourself in a better place. My thoughts are with you and your recovery.

[Callmecrazy]

I have a roof over my head thanks to my father who has worked all his life, had been responsible and ensured his children would have a decent life.

Otherwise, who knows?

I will not think about my debt. Just for today.

[Callmecrazy]

Of course i’ve been gambling yesterday and today. How do I get myself off this rollercoaster? I feel desperate,hopeless, doomed.
When I stop gambling I get severe depression, irritation and feel extremely agitated and worried. When I gamble I get some relief and hope but that lasts only as long as the first half of my deposit lasts.
I ‘m so lost. I don’t have a life anymore. I get cold sweats from worry.
Slots are pure fraud. I deposit hundreds and get no bonus rounds. It’s always the same. Or I get bonus rounds 10 euro winnings after hundreds, thousand spent. It’s crazy. I’ m loosing my sanity not only my money.
I feel sick. What I ‘m doing to myself is masochism. I don’t even enjoy gambling.

[Callmecrazy]

I managed to self – exclude and am lying in bed shaking.

[Steev]

It is a reminder of when I first stopped. I went to GA as many times as I could and if I went out anywhere else it was with friends who knew about my problem and we went to places where there were no slots.

I found I needed to be around people as much as possible in the early days – so I had little time to think about things as my head just span. Now it is the opposite and I spend a lot of time alone.

All I can say is that it does get easier as time passes. The links in the brain between getting high on gambling and depressed when not, do loosen.

Keep communicating and letting people know how you feel. It is great that you have self excluded – treat yourself gently over the next few weeks – take good care of yourself and keep in touch.

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you.
I feel awful. I want to isolate myself. I don’t want to spend time with people. Only with one particular friend I told last week about my problem. I have gone on a binge gamble last year and have not yet stopped. That is the horrifying, terrible truth. I have gone to banks for loan after loan. I thought I had a problem before but never had I before gambled away bill money until now.

I just called my bank and reported all my cards lost. Therfore I will have no access to money whatsoever and it’s the weekend tomorrow. I’ll try to sleep as much as I can and rest my body, brain and soul.

[Callmecrazy]

Woke up today which is good because I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I have emotional swings from feeling doomed and desperate to feeling hopeful. Had a huge urge to gamble and escape once the emotional swings started. Now I’m reading about all sorts of addictions and through the mist of this chaos feeling grateful for not being a drug addict because I would have overdosed by now and would have probably been long dead.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m a mess but will go out and do the activities that make me happy and then try to sleep and rest.

[Callmecrazy]

I have heart pain. It’s not the heart attack type of pain but it’s the pain from feeling overwhelmed. I decided to rest and sleep so I took a sleeping pill and will hopefully doze off for a few hours. I don’t know what else to do to get to a better place.

[Steev]

You need to heal. Take as much time out for yourself as you need and treat yourself gently. Good that you have put blocks in place and that you have spoken to a friend.

I would say, try not to do too much at this stage. Sleep, walk, baths, relaxing, music, talking … Mindfulness may help and there are resources for this on the net.

Keeping a journal (in real life – not just on here) may also help. Almost a form of self-counselling. Try to nurture yourself and treat yourself with love. I wish you well.

[Monica1]

Nice to see that steev has been providing support to you. Just to say, l,ease do t think you are in the worst position. There are plenty worse. I started gambling at 54 for fiveand a half destructiveyears. I owe about 100k and I am 19 months gambling free. I nearly lost my home, and had committalto prison proceedings to fight off for non payment of a government tax. Now, my life has got better in recovery from a deep dark hole, I was also,physically ill from the stress. There is a way out and it is called recovery. What you do is the best and most simple advice. Take one day at a time. Gambling for a big win to addicted gamblers is a big fat lie. Surrender to your higher power, whatever you believe thatto be. Gamblingis truly a progressive illness, it just gets worse and it takes so much more than our money.
Find help and support through groups here, GA or counselling. There are always deep rooted reasons why we gamble to destruction. The pain you describe I felt in early recovery, I had a lot of pains and the counselling process helped to release some of that pain. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You are worthy of love and loving yourself.
There is a way out of this mess

[bonnie62]

Hi there. Glad your holding in there despite the challenges. It’s not easy but you’re worth it. Got to keep reminding myself also.
But about the heart pain. I had stabbing pains in my heart area due to the stress of gambling and the other unattended to details of life. It was very scary! I took herbal heart nourishment and calming pills for over 2 years and now , many years later my heart is strong again. All the best! Healing will happen. B62

[Emma8]

Hi there! I’m brand new to gambling therapy and have only started trying to change my habits today, but I thought I might share this in case it helps. On my worst mental health days I just feel like blocking out the world and doing nothing, but it always makes me feel worse. I find that if I do small things like washing the dishes, putting on a load of laundry or cleaning the bathroom I feel a lot better. It might sound really silly, but those things make me feel productive and accomplished for the day and they make my environment brighter too. I hope your day improves 🙂

[Callmecrazy]

Monica, I know there are people worse off than I am. I have been reading your thread, you’re an inspiration. You are incredibly strong at the toughest of times. In you I found many similiarities to myself. I am a very non- controlling person and share the same attitude towards money. I give it freely to people in need especially if the person happens to be family. We’re also both Sagittarius and this is exactly the people we are.

Bonnie, great to hear you’re healthier and the pain is gone. I smoke cigarettes which too has gotten out of control as my gambling has progressed. It’s not something I can deal with right now but I will eventually. My anxieties have gone through my heart my whole life, either by skipping beats or having pain. I have seen doctors and done tests and everything always seems fine so I’m not too worried. Despite my gambling I think I’m in shape and as avid tennis player I’m still able to go through 2 hrs of a singles match. Hopefully what I have done to myself will improve with rest and staying gamble free.

Emma, you’re absolutely right and your advice is golden. I slept through the afternoon then read your post and pushed myself out of the house to go work with my horses. I have two horses and they’re my true niche, my life passion and my love. Gambling has tried to push me away from them and even though it has been sucessful to an extent, I will not alow it anymore. I felt great. A beautiful spring even and the huge dark eyes gazing at me. Those animals love me and I adore them, what the hell have I been thinking??? Where have I gone to? I know how to talk to them, how to connect with them, why have I been gambling non – stop? I know why, but that’s a whole other topic. Anyway, now that I’m home after working with them I feel much much better. My house needs cleaning too. Tomorrow morning I’m going to take your advice to the T. For now I’m going to pop another anxiety pill, watch something I like, not worry about money and try to further rest and sleep.

That’s from me now on my first gamble free day after a huge gambling binge that has lasted a year and had cost 50 k.

[Callmecrazy]

Also, Steeve, a special thank you to you. You’re so kind and compassionate. Telling me to be gentle towards myself is so very caring and touching. Thank you for your ways.

[Emma8]

I’m so grateful that you found that helpful. I often think my approach to dealing with things is silly because I take such small steps at times, but then often that’s exactly what we need!

I’m on day one as well, let’s check in tomorrow and celebrate day two 🙂

[Callmecrazy]

I find mornings to be the worst. But here I am at the start of my day 2. What do I feel? Regret, wishing time could be turned back, anger with life, hatered towards the gambling industry, worries and tiredness. I’ll try to repeat yesterday’s drill. Rest, sleep and doing something with my horse.

[Callmecrazy]

If I make it through today this will be my first gamble free weekend in a very long time. It’s a small step but I will make it.

[Callmecrazy]

The urges are starting to kick in. They appear in the form of a vision of a slot giving bonus rounds accompanied with music. I feel the rush and the excitement. I know it’s an illusion. I’m going to go clean house till they subside. I will not give in. My barriers are in place.

[Steev]

Yes of course you will be feeling emotions. Gambling serves to keep emotions at bay – especially the ones we don’t feel comfortable with.

I felt lots of anger and regret at first. Mainly anger at myself for being so stupid. My father was a gambler, so I knew all about the damage it could do. Gambling has always existed, but like everything else modernity has found new ways of extracting the most from us. I used to get a pillow from my bed and pound it good and proper – pretending it was the gambling industry or a particular establishment. It usually felt good, cathartic – and sometimes brought up insights for me when I had calmed down.

Working with your horse will be good, great to get back to natural things instead of the unnatural gambling. Have a good Sunday and best St. Patrick’s Day blessings from Ireland.

[Callmecrazy]

2, 5 hrs later I’ve cooked an entire meal for my elderly parents. The urges are gone. Getting physical seems to work. Now I’m going to enjoy the lunch I made which I haven’t done in a long time. I was always to busy spinning. Can you imagine that? Not being able to take the time to sit down for a meal. Not looking at what was on the plate. Shoving food down the mouth just to get it over with, all the while focusing on the next turn of the wheel.

[Callmecrazy]

My parents are delighted with the meal I cooked. The sheer pleasure of eating someone else’s receipe made their Sunday. I look at them and think how small things make a person happy. I wish I was them. I’m so screwed up right now.

[Callmecrazy]

My triggers

1. Abuse and bullying I live in an extremely abusive, toxic and corrupt country. I have been bullied at work to the point of almost being raped. At this point I had started a serious gambling binge to escape emotionally. I have since found a way to remove myself from the environment but I had to accept a lower ranking and a lower paying job which I’m still struggling to accept. I feel a deep rooted disgust for the system and cannot accept the unfairness of it all.

2. Debt, gambling losses and money issues This is now my number one trigger. Due to number one I have fallen into number two.

3. The unfairness of life and being single For reasons beyond my understanding, I have been cursed with an inability to find a suitable partner. As a result I have all this repressed and built up feminity and sexuality that I have nowhere to release. I’m burning inside, yet there is no outlet for me. Sex for sex itself does not work. I ‘ve tried.

4. Boredom with work and the absence of challenges

5. Not having the patience to preservere for 5 yrs until I pay off my debts

6. Living a meaningless existence while deep down I’m so full of life and emotion

[Emma8]

You’re having such a strong day, I’m so happy to see that!

I completely understand the anger and regret. I’m trying my best to replace mine with thanks towards myself that I’m making an effort to stop. I’m looking after myself and making a positive change and that’s a good thing.

You’ve already done so much with your day and that’s fantastic. Thank yourself for it and look forward to the positive things you’ll do for yourself tomorrow too! 🙂

[Steev]

Your triggers are a lot more thoughtful than mine – which would have taken the form of “I was in a pub, bored I saw a slot machine and before I knew what I was doing I was playing it.” But then you do mention boredom as one of your triggers … knowing where that comes from makes you special.

I wonder if you have read the book “Man’s search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl. Don’t let the sexism of the title put you off – it is a translation. Frankl was in several concentration camps during the war and wrote the book on his release. One of the quotes is “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Anyway looking at your list – I can identify with most of them. Not the bullying, but being passed over for promotion (probably because I wan’t presenting myself very well – having spent money on machines instead of good clothes etc.) And certainly the debt – which in my case went on for nearly 20 years and has only recently been paid off by the sale of my home.

I feel I have come through the journey of addiction (though I am aware that I am only as clean as my next bet) and I am sure that you can too. It may look bleak now but … I was going to say one day at a time (too cliched?) You have a lot going for you, a lot of unrealised potential – now you have stopped gambling it is time to heal and then make the most of your future life.

[Callmecrazy]

So, I made it through day 2. I worked my horses again in the afternoon and had a nice bath.

During one of my gambling frenzies when I was on the up cycle and had actually managed to make a withdrawal, in between spins, and I don’t know how this brilliant idea popped in my head, I decided to rush to the store and stock up on hygiene and beauty products. I must have bought 200 euro worth of hair shampoo, conditioner, bath salts, shower gels, parfume, foot cream, nail cream, toothpaste, face cream, skin cream, mascara, foot cream, body lotion… you name it!

I might be lost, broke and broken but I have the means to smell like a million dollars for the next couple of months. How this spurr of the moment sheer brilliance came to mind I will never understand. More so, it was pure miracle I managed to unlock my eyes from the computer spinning away, and actually drive myself to the store.

Later I lost 2400 euros of my winnings and an additional 1400 euros of my own loan money spinning a slot machine on a 0,10 to 0,45 bet with a maximum win from bonus rounds of 175 euros. That is downright theft. I don’t care how much we are to be blamed ourselves for the gambling we have done but this is stealing. Sorry, gambling industry, this is beyond immoral. I’m not giving you anymore money. Never again!

Now I’m popping my anti – anxiety pill to reteach my brain the feeling of relaxation,watching some crime show on YouTube and hopefully falling asleep.

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you Steeve.
The thing is, English is not my first language. I also have a Master’s degree, I’m intermmediate in French, I’m literate and do well in math. I have always worked hard and fair for my company which is a government run company and one of the best paying ones in the country. Elections come, political parties change, they install their own people in companies such as mine, the end result is me having a boss that is half illiterate, a bully, probably a domestic abuser, has never seen the outside world and doesn’t have half of my qualifications. While I have been working and learning and growing to become a better person and proffesional, he has been scheming. At some point, I gave up. I felt God had forsaken me. I tried so hard and all I got was misery and bullying.

This is when I went downhill and turned to gambling for comfort and, stupidly (I know), for hope. To win something finally for myself.

[Monica1]

God has not forsaken you. I went through all of that as the one of the causes and also the effect of my gambling ie a loss of faith. We need to pray and surrender to our higher power and it does help us over time. I will pray for you. You work situation sounds intolerable. Acceptance of our situation as it is is important and then we can make a plan to change it. Gambling and the losses keeps us stuck in a downward spiral and women problem gamblers tend to have a bad habit of turning their anger about situations inward and self harming through gambling. Can u get counselling anywhere? You need help to express how u feel and work through those feelings of anger, frustration and pain.

[Callmecrazy]

I see a therapist once a month. I love her. I can’t afford more sessions right now. That I am able to write all this is in fact the progress we’ve made. That I have surrendered to the abusive situation that I can not change is also progress. It took me a long time to accept that I have every right to be angry. But it is what it is, I can’t change it. I ‘ve surrendered my fight, everything but the strive to be a better person intellectualy therefore I still study French. It’ s part of who I am.

[Callmecrazy]

I made it through but felt high anxiety. I have this male colleague who is sort of hot and cold with me but for whom I feel an attraction for. I prefer to avoid him altogether but today I bumped into him. Immediately all my supressed emotions came out. He’s the representation of all my supressed desires for love, bond and connection, as well as unresolved issues about accepting things I cannot have. I hate this attraction I feel, makes me feel like a teenage girl drooling over the hottest guy in school. It’s so shameful. I’m such a sucker. I need to get better, bring myself to a better place and start job searching again which is hard as good jobs are so scarce.

Anway, on my way to being gamble free third day in a row.

For now it’s rest, sleep, relaxation and an anti – anxiety pill for the afternoon. It’s a cold, windy and rainy day which is the perfect ambience for exactly that.

[Emma8]

I’m so glad you’ve made it through your third day as well!

I know you have so much more going on in life, but as Steev said just take things one day at a time. Noone can resolve all of their problems overnight, but I imagine they will get a tiny bit better each day.

Looking forward to celebrating another gambling free day with you tomorrow!

[Callmecrazy]

Hi Emma,

I just read your thread. Congrats on day 3!

We’re almost there and we won’t blow it. Stay away from the Tab button because there is nothing there other than misery. If gambling wasn’t there to rob us of our money half of us wouldn’t be here. We would be reading stories of success of unexpected wealth, resolved financial issues, new homes being built, elderly parents taken care of etc. Stay strong!

[Callmecrazy]

Having urges to gamble.
All the triggers are about having a fantasy in my mind about winning and making life more financially tolerable. I know it’s an illusion. I will only end up loosing more and feeling more depressed and desperate. Therefore, I will not gamble today and will have faith my financial issues will somehow turn out okay.

[Emma8]

There’s no excitement in the really slow process of paying off debt and being able to cover bills, but it is so much better for you. Stay strong.

Something that might help. Could you have a clear out and sell some unwanted items on ebay? The excitement each time someone buys something might help to heal you from the need to see the slots rolling over and the extra money would of course be great too!

I did this a couple of months ago and it felt great, but I’m sure I have more clothes and things that I don’t need.

[Callmecrazy]

I cannot escape into gambling so I’m stuck with all sorts of ugly feelings:
– how could I lose control so much?
– when people lose control in such a way do they die?
– will things ever get better for me? Will things ever change? will I ever find a better job? Fall in love?
– why doesn’t anything ever change for the better?
– how long can I cope with a job where 8hr seems like 16hrs?
Urgh.

Emma, the advice on selling things is great. I’m going to do that when I get better.

[Callmecrazy]

Staying gamble free even through I’m feeling stressed out about life. I’m keeping faith that everything will turn out okay as long as I stay away from gambling.

[Callmecrazy]

My gambling had gotten so progressively bad that I would gamble away my monthly salary in 2 days time not even getting around to paying bills first. Even though my life currently sucks, gambling away my salary is not going to make it better which is why I cannot do it anymore.
And I cannot gamble “just a little bit” as I cannot stop even if I were to “win”, which I most probably (99,9%) would not.
Future me, trust me, everything is going to be okay.

[Steev]

It really can. When you get paid – make sure that you pay all your bills first and then try and ensure that you carry as little as possible with you. I had to look after my own money and I know how difficult it is … so tempting to think that just one note will not make much difference and could be used to gamble with and maybe help my situation. It won’t. It never did and it is just the gamble talking.

The only think that worked for a while was to carry virtually no money at all – then when I was tempted I needed to do something to get at it. That put a block in my way and made me think about things. It took time but eventually the “gambling me” got the message.

Keep posting – we are with you.

[Emma8]

I love that note to yourself. It will be ok and it will be worth it.

Imagine reaching the end of the month, it’s the day before pay day and you STILL have money in your account. Wouldn’t that feel amazing, even if it’s only a small amount?

I’m really excited to see my bank with money in it instead of £0 which I’ve seen for so long. 

[Callmecrazy]

I ‘m staying away from gambling even though I still feel pretty bad. At least I don’t have the feelings of desperation, nausea, restlessness, the need to write down every single move I’ ve made. Life isn’t all about money. Who cares about the debts. I’ll pay them off somehow.

[Callmecrazy]

Some of the richest people are deeply unhappy. It’s not all about money. Think of Robin Williams.

[Callmecrazy]

It’s friday evening and this would be my favorite time to gamble so I’m having some pretty strong thoughts and urges. It would start innocent and small, “just for fun”. As soon as I would lose my first deposit, I would deposit more and start playing on bigger bets. That would lead to more deposits. I always had a problem with quitting a certain slot. I want to play another one, but I can’t quit the one I’m playing. Saturday mornings I would wake up feeling pretty bad about the amount of money I lost. 20 minutes later I would be depositing again to chase what I had lost the night before. Before I know it, my weekend would have been over, I would have lost tons of money, I would have hardly gotten outside and my head would be pounding. I am not going to do this to myself this weekend. I’m opting for a anti – anxiety pill and finding a movie to watch. Hopefully tomorrow I will be waking up fresh with 7 days free of gambling behind me.

[Callmecrazy]

You NEED to stop to live. Period.

[Callmecrazy]

By not doing anything about my urges, I’m starting to understand they’re like waves. They come and they go.

[Steev]

I liked your comment: “they’re like waves. They come and they go.” I’d bet you’d like to wave them goodbye though!

Here’s a thought – if the “urge” is our brain’s way of signalling that it wants us to gamble – how about training it to do something different. So each time we get the urge we then do a dance – or beat up a pillow – or sing a song -play some music. Do something that connects the “urge” to something else – so as to retrain our synapses.

I’m saying “we” because I realise I don’t get the gambling urge anymore. I’m not sure when it went – but I certainly don’t miss it. I’ve never tried out this idea myself – but I guess it’s worth a go. I’d pick one response and keep doing it so to retrain your brain. Let me know if you try it and how you go on.

[Callmecrazy]

This is a very good idea. I’ll try to substitute every wave with watching some funny short clip on YouTube. An urge = laughter.

I made it through last night mostly by shutting myself down and going to sleep through use of meds. Today I feel tired and have a headache which I ‘ve been having the past week. I dreamt of waking up to wondering how much money I lost last night. I felt relieved when I figured out I hadn’t gambled at all. I feel pretty shitty but I guess it’s still better than being dead due to gambling. I’ ll try to sleep and rest most of the day today. What else is there to do with a pounding headache? As far as my finances go, the only remedy is time and my job, so whatever makes time pass faster is good, I hope.

[Emma8]

We made it to one full week!! I’m chuffed for both of us, it’s a big step 🙂

Definitely feeling some urges myself so going to switch off the laptop and do some reading instead. I like this idea of replacing the urge to gamble with another activity, it’s brilliant!

[Callmecrazy]

Game of thrones season 8 starts in less than a month! Yaay! There is so much to look forward to April and May so hang on in there! You’ll enjoy it so much more if you’re not under the stress of loosing money to online casinos. And you will lose. Don’t delude your self into thinking the outcome would be any different.

[Steev]

I think it is what we need to do when we are healing – so don’t worry about taking to bed. Like the idea of retraining urges with laughter. Hope you find some good youtube clips! Have a great Sunday!

[Callmecrazy]

Making plans for today. The past week I’ve been tending to my horses and will do this today. Every moment I spend with them are moments without an urge to gamble. I feel mornings to be much harder on me than evenings. I wake up tired and experience thoughts of gambling until I get myself going. Whereas evenings are the end of the day, I can easily shut myself down, watch something and go to sleep.

I’m determined to get the gambling bug out of my system and if I still want to gamble, say, 6 months from now, so be it. At least I know it’s me making the decision, not the disease.

Today is day 8 and I will not gamble today.

[Nick]

Hi cmc your doing great , everyday is a great day when we don’t gamble and you will feel so much better in yourself for not doing it . Keep moving on one day at a time and you will be fine. 🙂

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you Nick for your support, I appreciate it very much.
As of today I’m 9 days GF.
In addition to being 9 days GF, I found the strenght to put up another barrier. A week ago I had declared my Mastercard missing and a new one arrived friday. Without openning the envelope I called my friend to meet me sunday and asked her to activate the card for me and with a knife scratch off the three CVC numbers on the back of the card needed for Internet payments which she did. Now I’m able to use my MC for every day expenses (survival) but am unable to use it for online transactions.
Today passed rather quickly without too many thoughts of gambling. I’m not yet overly excited about leading a gambling free life, I’m doing this because I need to stop. It’s no longer an option for me.

[Steev]

I like the way you did that. I wouldn’t have thought of taking off the cvc so that you can’t use the card on-line.

I always say that I must remember to put my “needs” before my “wants” – not that I always manage that – it is easy for my head to poo poo that. I wish I had more willpower ….

Congrats on your 9 days.

[Callmecrazy]

Nothing much happened today. I got through 8 boring hours of work then went to take care of my horse. I’m starting to enjoy my love for the animals more and more. The old feelings of happiness by just being in their company are coming back to me. Of course, money worries are still present but are in the back of my head for now.

I make it a point to journal here every day even if I have nothing beneficial to add because with us humans, the more we invest into something the less likely we are going to be willing to let that go.

[Callmecrazy]

Day 11 going rather well. Looking forward to 15, then 30. I know the weekend will be tough but I’m ready for it. Mentally and physically (barriers are up). Give me the best you’ve got!

[Steev]

Thinking of you!

[Callmecrazy]

Day 12 is going well. I’m pretty busy taking care of my horse. My day starts at 8 am when I leave for work and am not back home until 8 pm. I have had thoughts of gambling but no real urges. I know they’re going to hit me this weekend, but who cares? Let them. The toxins need to leave my body. That’s what urges are, toxins leaving the body.

I’ve been watching some documenaries on drug addiction (misery loves company) and when I see the withdrawals drug addicts go through, it makes me think I have it easy. I feel grateful gambling is my poison.

As for my debts, yes, they are a huge issue but all I can do for now is watch my spending (I don’t buy anything but the absolutely necessary) and hope for the best.

[Callmecrazy]

My life is still a mess but there are some good points about me that, infact, even gambling has thought me:
– I have empathy for all sorts of living beings
– I don’t take life too seriously
– I know whatever mess you’ve gotten yourself into you (everyone) has the ability to laugh at it one day
– money is the least important thing in life
– telling a friend you don’t have your shit together isn’t that bad, it’s liberating
– I hardly care about what some asshole CEO thinks of me
– I stay away from rigid, strict indivudals
– I can add and subtract and speak foreign languages so suck it
– I can take care of, train and work with a 1000 pound animal, can you?
– I’ve been to hell and back, have you?

[Steev]

Sometimes I wish there were little “like” notes on this forum – as they have on facebook. I loved this post. Keep them coming!

[Callmecrazy]

As I expected, urges are starting to hit. They come in the form of financial insecurities about the future and money worries. That’s when my mind starts to panick and starts to think how 20 can’t hurt but could certainly help. And how this time everything will be different. I expect them to peak tomorrow. Just as I’m about to give in, I will be feeling an irresistable sweetness in my mouth followed by a severe fall into dark thoughts and depression because I will be unable to gamble. Learning to handle that fall is my ticket out of the hell hole called gambling. As much as I dread the urges , I welcome them.

I need to review a few things for myself before tomorrow:
– 20 will not be enough.
– Because you know you must stop you won’t be able to, hence you will lose lots of money which you don’t have.
– guilt and gambling are intertwined, because you feel guilty about gambling, you won’t be able to let go of gambling.
– you’re not the only person with money issues, there are tons of non-gamblers with money issues.
– help yourself and God will help you in the long run.
– everything is going to be okay.
– go do something to occupy your mind
– shut yourself down for sleep
– one more day and you’re on day 15

[Callmecrazy]

You don’t want to be on day 1 again, this time around with more debt. Don’t throw your hard work away.

[RedBerry]

Callmecrazy how are u holding up? Hope your doing well!

[Steev]

You have a really good insight into your addiction and good knowledge of how to tackle it. Yet it is still hard not to be pulled back into that familiar place.

Keep strong, keep posting, talk to people if you need to. If there is no-one around talk to your horse! Why not , it is not anymore crazy than gambling! Day 15 is great – 16 will be fantastic!

[Callmecrazy]

I’m doing okay but having some very strong urges to gamble. I’m panicking about money. I had spent the whole day at my horse club, had two beers and a meal. I spent 10 euros. Maybe I shouldn’t have. I’m home now, 9 pm. Still feeling I should gamble for 25 but don’t feel like going through the whole process of registering to a casino, verfying my account, finding a casino that accepts maestro payments etc. I ‘ve self – excluded from all casinos I used to play at which basically means I’m guaranteed to lose even if I were to win because of the time it would take to go through the whole verification process.

Another issue is how much can you really win for 25? I would have to go through a lot of spins, through a lot of machines, through a lot of hours of play. This means that the gambling demon inside me I have been fighting to cage would certainly come unleashed. There is no way I could come out of a 25 deposit without bringing myself back to day 1.

The best option for me right now is to pop an anti – anxiety pill, fall asleep and hope there is something nice for me waiting around the corner. That is, if I hang in there. A new job, better pay, a nice boyfriend, inheritence from a long lost relative… who knows… ? The list can be endless. 

[Callmecrazy]

I talk to my horse all the time. Not necessarily about gambling. Sometimes it’s a friendly bicker between old friends.
That’s why people like me are refered to as “horse freaks”. 🙂

[Callmecrazy]

So I gambled today. Put in 25 lost and gambled until I was down 400 and then self – excluded.

What did I learn? Nothing.

[Steev]

You learnt to come back here and admit to it – which is no small deal. A lot of people (including myself) would keep quiet when going back to gambling because of the shame.

This isn’t an easy time – it’s like a withdrawal from drugs except that you get a bed in a rehab for that. Keep posting, keep talking, get as much support as you can and keep strong. This is just a relapse – you can go on and be gambling free – I know it!

[RedBerry]

I’m sorry u relapsed. See it as another expensive lesson learned. It’s not like u lost the fight. Don’t give up now. U are stronger than that. In every recovering addict there is relapse. It’s easy to stop but it’s much harder to stay stopped. I hope u will be stronger after this relapse and this will be your last.

Take care of yourself u deserve it!

RedBerry

[Callmecrazy]

Thanks guys.

It was a concious decesion. I wanted to help myself because I wanted to avoid applying for a new high interest loan. I failed. As if casinos are willing to part with their money! I wish I stopped at 150 euro loss though, but I didn’t. I didn’t enjoy the gambling, I was nervous, agitated and only wanted to win. After this ordeal that took place Sunday, the difference now is that I have to take out a 2000 euro high interest loan instead of a 1500 euro high interest loan the reason being I need to catch up on what I’m behind on and draw the line to be able to budget on a monthly basis.

The good news is I can still afford my horses, and I need them because they’re my life line. The bad news is everything else has to be on a very strict and tight budget. I also need to keep my bank transactions free of gambling sites for the next 3 months in order to be elegible for a lower interest loan to refinance my debts if wanted. I talked to a financial counselor today, there was no use of postponing this even though I had been dreading it.

I’m not going to start counting my gamble free days from day 1. I’m still on day 16 of my recovery, even if I gambled. I started training horses and riding frequently again so I did learn something – how to fill up my time in a less destructive and a satisfying way.

My high interest loan will go through tomorrow, and even though I hate getting one, it will relieve some of the financial stress I’m going through. Because THAT I’m having a hard time handling and it is urging me to gamble.

Another good thing is, I’ll be earning some extra money August and my father will be giving me some money for my annual car repairs June. Thank God he always has extra. As much as I hate relying on others, I really need the help.

[RedBerry]

You are on the right track. Stay strong and keep positive. 

Wish u the best!

RedBerry

[Callmecrazy]

I haven’t reported in yesterday as my high interest loan went through and I didn’t want to, in anyway, trigger myself until the money was directed to paying off bills I’m behind on.

Now that this has been accomplished I’m on a very tight budget. I might be a little short this month on cash but this is something very manageable. I decided to unclogg my life so I will be putting some items on sale.

As for today, I have a big task to do. I’m going to register to as many casinos online possible and immediately ask to be self – excluded. I only need to do this for casinos that accept maestro payments as my mastercard can’t be used for online payments anymore (the CVC number on the back of my card have been scratched off by a friend). This is very safe for me to do today as I only have 15 euros to my account until my pay goes through Monday.

[Steev]

I hope you manage to self exclude ok. I know some people have been tempted just by logging onto sites in order to do this – so stay strong.

I know that trying to live on a tiny budget whilst paying debts off isn’t easy and it is tempting for your brain to tell you that the easiest way to get out of this mire is to gamble again! You KNOW better. Manage on your low budget. I saw it as a challenge that I needed to get through. I did it and I am sure you can too. Take care.

[Emma8]

I hope the self exclusion tactic has worked well for you 🙂 I’ve found the block on my internet is working best for me. Although, I’m not sure there were many casinos left for me to register with anyway.

Can’t believe we’re almost at three weeks now! My budgets tight too, but it feels good to be in complete control of it instead of seeing a bank balance of £0

[Callmecrazy]

I ‘m not yet gamble free as I relapsed Sunday but I’m working on building blocks and barriers. I also gambled today while I was self excluding from sites. The first one that offered no deposit spins got to me right away! I have to register to self-exclude so it’s tough work. Some sites are nice to block me from all the casinos operated by them, others require I self – exclude from each site seperately. The process is triggering, especially when you come upon a well organized and fast site. But it has to be done! Blockers don’t work for me, they wreck havoc on my phone and it took me 5 minutes to get past one and gamble.
Today I’ve excluded myself from 12 sites I had never used. Plan to do a couple of more before bedtime. I have 29 casinos on my to self – exclude list only from one operator. It’s hell.

[Callmecrazy]

But I ‘m determined to stop the gambling, whatever it takes.

[Callmecrazy]

Self – excluded from a couple of more. I’m too tired to continue on more today.
It’s funny, 10 years ago when I wasn’t gambling as much, I had issues with real casinos. At the time I wasn’t playing online. One day I had had enough of losing to casinos and I swore never to enter a casino again. Where I live there was no such thing as a self ban. This was pure will on my part plus the fact I never went alone. I broke ties with the person I used to go with, deeming the relationship too destructive. The thing is, I have no issues with real casinos anymore. I’m not tempted to enter one and I walk past them without problems. This is proof IT CAN BE DONE if we stay away and put in enough time for our brains to recover.

Good night everyone. Stay strong!

I am the world’s worst gambler. I can lose a thousand a night, not win ever (the most I ever won was 2400 euro) and still not be able to stop. I don’t think I even enjoy gambling. Yet I still have A HUGE problem.

So, you’re not alone. One day at a time.

[Steev]

Looks like my warning may have come too late. Good that you are going through the step of self-excluding – though it seems it is quite a process where you are.

I always used to think that I was not a “real” gambler because I only played on slots (fruit machines in the UK) and I think that is partly what pushed me into my short lived casino career, but I know destructive – not just in money terms but in terms of stress and worry ANY form of gambling can be – and for any amount – if it is more than you can afford. I hope the rest of your self-exclusion goes without a hitch and that you have a good gf remainder of the week.

[Callmecrazy]

I spent the afternoon registering to a casino and immediately self – excluding. It’s exhausting and triggering in the beginning. Afterwards it gets better. I’m still under the impression of not enjoying gambling so I am able to do it. Some sites are really alluring, those are the hardest to self-exclude from.
Anyway, I covered 30 of the most dangerous for me to gamble on today. Found 4 more which I will do tomorrow. The good thing is I only need to self-exclude from the maestro card accepting casinos. If I hadn’t covered Mastercard by scratching off the CVC numbers I would truly be screwed because I wholeheartedly DO NOT trust myself. That’s how bad my addiction is. I’m a monster. If I were a billionare I would only gamble and buy horses until I drove myself into poverty. Probably play tennis too.

So it’s another day gone by.

[Callmecrazy]

Hi RG,
I’m going to do that too. Remind myself every day gambling is tiresome and does nothing to make my life better.

When it comes to gambling I really am a monster. I lose all control. I’m capable of gambling away my whole month’s salary in a matter of two days. I do not trust myself. The minute I press the button all my worries go away.

[Emma8]

Well done on self-excluding from so many sites 🙂 I’ve found that a lot of them are owned by the same company, so when you self exclude from one it actually covers several.

How are you feeling now that three weeks has passed?

I’m finding it a bit weird. I haven’t really had the urge to gamble so I’m second guessing myself and thinking “this is too easy”. That’s nonsense of course because I know that I will face triggers at some point and need to ensure I handle them and remain gambling free.

Just got to keep going I guess!

[Callmecrazy]

Good job everyone on staying gamble free.!

I myself am struggling and gambling and losing my sanity, my money and my life.

I feel like I passed my point of no return and nothing else in my life is functioning. I’m tired of always being alone, strong and having no one to rely on. My horses are the only thing keeping me above water.

Tomorrow I will be commiting myself again to my recovery one day at a time.

[Callmecrazy]

So, I’m back to square one. I have been here a month ago :
– I’m trembling and can’t sleep
– I gambled my salary away, took me 2 todays
– Some casinos I have no defences against

OMG, I just thought of a solution! I have to report my Maestro card missing and once I get a new one, I have to ask a friend to scratch of the CVC numbers, just like I did with my Mastercard.

Why didn’t I think of this before??

Geez!

Even though the solution is obvious and easy, the gambling me hid the solution from the normal me into the subconcious. This addiction is a nasty trickster.

I’m now only one hour gamble free and distraught as hell, so I’ll probably be writing here every little dumb thought that comes to mind.

– Waking up tomorrow is going to be hell

[Callmecrazy]

Keeping cards in my office is helping me.

[vera]

I hear you!
The end is always the same for a CG. Tears, trembling stress and “why oh why!”
I’ve been there far too often.
Draw a line under your losses . Tomorrow is another day.
Put your Maestro card in an envelope and post it to your own address.
It will delay further gambling action.
Deep breaths!!!

[lizbeth4]

One day at a time. Really! Just get through today and the next and the next. Massive debt can be overwhelming and depressing! I know! But if you can stop the gambling, you can dig yourself out! Barriers, handing over cash and cards to someone you trust. Paying bills first! Getting through each week with a limited amount of cash on you. Small things but things that really work! Have you considered GA meetings and or counseling? It really helps. You can do this!

[Steev]

It is what we do. So don’t beat yourself up about it. Just draw a line under it – don’t go chasing losses.

Now is the time to heal – to lick your wounds and take life gently. When you feel a bit better have a think about what triggered you and how you can find defences against the casinos – you are resourceful so I know you can do it.

And talk to someone – don’t be on your own with this. There is 1-2-1 here or ring a helpline like befrienders. We all need support at times.

[Callmecrazy]

As I predicted, this morning is awful. I’m stuck between a pounding headache and dark depression.

The good thing is my Maestro card is now blocked and a new one is on it’s way. Asking a friend to scratch of the CVC numbers will be a serious barrier.

There is no GA where I live and even if there was I wouldn’t trust it. The system is extremely corrupt and everything is about survival and fending for oneself. Which reminds me of an anegdote. Somewhere in January I figured out my gambling had gotten so out of hand I needed to seek help. So I called one of those numbers advertised as a number to call. It’s organised and paid by the government, as is everything here where I live. I dial the number and give a brief introduction about my problem. A rude woman tells me to call in 15 minutes as she has too much work now. I call in 30 minutes, line is busy. About 3 hours later, I manage to reach the number again. Another woman picks up, arrogant and rude again. I go through the whole introduction again explaining my problem and the woman answers “so, that is what you want!” Duh!!! What did she think I was calling for? To chat? They’re supposed to be a helpline. She tells me that I need to call tomorrow again and ask for doctor so and so. By this time, I decide to give up and not call again. The thing is, the government uses tax payers money to employ relatives, friends, children etc of the people in power. They’re all unequiped and uneducated for the positions they hold and all they care about is power struggles at their workplace. The two women that had answered the phone have no idea how difficult it is and how much courage it takes for an addict to pick up the phone and ask for help.

I can only imagine the struggles gambling addicts go through that don’t speak English to seek help elsewhere. Gambling addiction is practically a no topic here, yet gambling joints are EVERYWHERE.

I’m going to try and sleep today as much as I can. I need to find things to sell.

[Callmecrazy]

The only thing that gives me hope is that everytime during my binge I actually do manage to stop before I pass my point of not being able to juggle my finances around for the month. Subconciously I’m still ingrained to survive.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m feeling suprisingly calm. Glad my mind doesn’t have to weigh between not gambling anymore and giving it another try. “Only one good bonus round will save me” – but the bonus round never comes.
Game of Thrones final season starts in less than 48 hrs. I’m so excited. I recommend watching this if you are a gambler who seeks thrills. It’s a great show. The best thing ever made on screen.
Talking to a friend about her financial issues, and she’s not a gambler, also made me feel a little at ease. I’m not stuck in this alone. We’ll make it. Both of us.

[Callmecrazy]

Day 1 passed rather well. I wasn’t as depressed as I thought I would be.
I already found some gold jewelry to sell and already made a sale of some horse tack,so things are good for day 1. I don’t really care about gold so I’m okay with that. My horses are what I care about. Also, my house is clogged with items I don’t need or care for so not only is selling good for my finances but it’s feng-shui for my living quarters too. For the next couple of days, weeks, depending on how much energy I have, I will try to bring my debts down from selling stuff. And books, yes! I have tons od those. I used to read like crazy and loved it! Where in the hell did I lose that part of me?

[Callmecrazy]

Thanks Vera and Liz!

Crying is the only thing I can’t do. I haven’t cried in a decade or so.

Steeve, your posts are always soothing. Thank you too.

I’m glad I grew as a person and am able to relapse and post here about my relapse. The old me would have dissapeared due to shame and disgust.

But here I am, fighting the fight, on day 1 again.

Maybe someday when I’m through with this I’ll be able to help, comfort and give advice to people that don’t speak English but are struggling with this that are from my own country.

[vera]

Crying brings healing, CMC.
How long have you been gambling?
Would it coincide with the time you stopped crying?

[Callmecrazy]

I think you might be right. Last time I remember crying was 10 yrs ago when I broke up with my boyfriend, which was about the time I started gambling.

[Steev]

One of the things I realised through the large amount of counselling I have been through is how much my feelings get in the way of my thinking. When I was gambling there were so many feelings going through me. Not just guilt and shame at what I was doing, but anger at myself and at the gambling industry, grief for what I had lost, sadness for what I was missing out on ….

The best counsellors gave me a space to discharge my feelings – to get angry, to shout, to feel the pain and yes – to cry. And I found that once I had discharged some of the emotions, I could think clearer – see myself in a more positive light and learn that I was hurting and that gambling was my way of numbing the hurt – a way that was not healthy in so many ways.

I know you see a counsellor once a month – is there any way in which you could increase this – or could your counsellor give you any suggestions of ways in which you could work on your emotions yourself with a friend or someone there to support you? I found CCI co-counselling so useful – but I know it is not available in very many countries but you could google to see if yours is one.

It is good to see you still posting here and using this as a way of getting through. Keep strong.

[vera]

I have had situations in my life that created voids, CMC. I won’t use your thread to unleash the details. Suffice to say I inadvertently got involved in a “healing session” which resulted in a “water tap” being turned on behind my eyes and I cried for 3 days. This has happened twice in my life that I can recall. Another “downpour” happened after a very significant gambling loss in 2015.

Loss and separation seem to be recurring factors among many CGs

My compulsive gambling escalated after the breakup of a very close / forbidden/secret/unhealthy relationship.

Mr Slot replaced Mr Gimegime and so the  abuse/control/manipulation continued for years.

Perhaps you need to revisit that era in your life with your counsellor and work through those emotions in a safe, less secret environment.

Do you dream a lot ? I found Dream Therapy very cathartic.

One thing for sure I can tell you ,CMC is that gambling solves done of these hurts. On the contrary, it compounds all our problems, culminating in abject self destruction.

“What you are aware of, you are in control of; what you are not aware of is in control of you”.

AWARENESS is the key to moving forward and dropping our attachments but it takes a lifetime.

Be aware!

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you for your post, advice, your kind words and help.

When I broke up with that boyfriend was about the time I started councelling. I started gambling while I was with him, through a friend that introduced me to the gambling world. The relationship I had with that boyfriend was toxic and I’m glad he ‘s out of my life. I’m sure he is wrecking havoc to his current wife, but I don’t really care. I was devestated after the break-up, but not because of him, but due to all the insults and rejection I recieved from him. I had to work through all those and I did. The result is I can’t stand abuse. Neither psychological nor verbal nor emotional. I’m not abusive towards others and I expect the same towards me. Which is what brings me to my current problem. The abuse at my workplace is what got me to my current mess. It’s not only the workplace that is abusive, the whole country is toxic. Imagine living in a place where no crime is ever punished and, more often than not, rewarded. Neither murder nor rape nor bullying nor theft. It’s the injustice of the place that I cannot gulp down. I have since removed myself from direct influence of my abuser, but I had to accept a lower in rank and a less paid position. What I have worked for all my life career wise, all gone. So people that can neither write nor spell nor add and subtract can be in power. This is where my gambling has spiraled out of control. I wanted to win something for myself. But there is no winning with gambling. Everything else since then has been me trying to control the damage which in turn lead me to more gambling and debt.  The bottom line is, I have to make peace with the injustices of the world and learn to take the abuse as a compensation for my salary. Accepting and crying my eyes out would be a much better answer than escaping into slot machines. I would love to learn to cry again.

(Because I said this, God please don’t kill my horse) 

[Callmecrazy]

I can’t afford to increase the time with my cousellor. I wish I could. I wish I had spent the money on her rather than on gambling. But I didn’t and there is no turning back time.

Infact, I’m willling to bet a gamblers dream isn’t to win a jackpot, but to be able to turn back time. 

[Callmecrazy]

I’m feeling suprisingly calm and hopeful. I have no urge to gamble and no desire either. Infact, gambling disgusts me. It’s one huge scam to take your money. So… doing well!

[Callmecrazy]

I’m having a hectic time at work but in a way I feel liberated and strong. Because I have lost so much to gambling I’m feeling a sense of freedom as if I have nothing more to lose. I already lost everything. I don’t care anymore. They give me these silly ultimatums at work, threaten me and I just don’t care. I stand my ground. I also don’t have the urge or need to punish myself for their behavior. I’m willling to fight until my last breath. Kill or be killed. Let it be. 

[Berta24449787]

Hey CMC;
Hang in there and stay strong because it sounds like you need to. In reading your posts I read my own diary and it hurts and liberates at the same time. Sometimes it is hard to put feelings to paper and it is so much easier to identify when someone else does it for you. I too started to gamble while dealing with an unhealthy work environment as it was the only way to escape the feelings of desperation that followed me during the hours I wasn’t there. I loved my job and spent most of my waking hours thinking about ways I could do it better until a new manager ruined what then was my life. I have never recovered my feelings or reputation from that time and still feel lost and alone. I too ended up taking a demotion to survive and am looking to retirement instead of a vibrant career full of recognition and reward. It hurts. Every day. It keeps getting worse instead of better in part because my gambling has affected how I do my job and how I feel about me. Perhaps they were right in how they treated me, maybe I deserved it? Is that how I should feel? Absolutely not but I do and it reinforces my addiction in ways that never ebb. I need to find me outside of the workplace and you need to find you out of the emptiness that your gambling creates. I believe that dr Phil has the 10 life lessons and one is “there is no reality, only perception”. If you woke up tomorrow and wrote your own script for that day, one where you are happy and in control and in charge of where you go and what you do, then that would be your reality if you chose it. Write your own script each day. Dont let the world set your reality because they dont have to live it. As for the bonus rounds, they play in all of our heads. I hear the music and feel the adrenaline when you get the three symbol trigger. It is sad to note that it never ends there and they keep pulling you back for more and more. Just like heroin. You get it and it feels good so you want more. And more. Acknowledge what it is and then you can effectively deal with it. Another dr. Phil. Look him up. And get gamban on your devices. They wont let you gamble. It doesnt help to self exclude from sites because you can always get more email addresses to use. Been there. I have 6 different ones and have to self exclude every time I found a new site. Its easter weekend. Go help at a charity is a food bank. Go to church and pray for strength. Just get put of the house and avoid the temptation.

[Callmecrazy]

A quick update. I have been busy with work and under tons of stress. I’m on my day 16 gamble free. Last time around, I relapsed on day 15. Looking forward to another week.

[Steev]

Day 16 is definitely better than day 15 – so well done you. I hope things start to ease off for you and you can enjoy life more and more. Have a great gf week!

[Berta24449787]

Awesome that you made it this far and dont fret about the relapse because it will happen to the best. We do everything in our lives one day at a time because its/all you can do. It would be nice to be able to get the bad things done faster and it does seem to go slower than the really good things, but if you can put one more day behind you can have one to look back on and another and another. Having any day is a privilege whether you gamble in them or not. Dont let work get you down because it can be a great occupier until you feel stronger. Have faith in yourself

[Callmecrazy]

Today was terrible. I felt like a dark cloud had seized me. I was severely depressed, tired as hell and with a pounding headache. I wanted to gamble sooo bad. And I did try but couldn’t. You know why? I had all my barriers in place. I excluded from so many casinos I could hardly find one I could sign up for. Once I did sign up for one, I couldn’t use my Mastercard to make a deposit because I had scratched off the CVC numbers on the back of the card.

So, I’m 18 days gamble free. Today my barriers did the work for me, not my willpower.

[Steev]

When it gets like that do you need to talk to someone? You could use the one to one support on here or maybe there is a helpline in your country – I’m not sure where you are based. Sometimes just knowing that I am not alone with my stuff is all I need – even if I don’t say very much (or make very much sense when I do!)

There is chat tonight at 23.00 Dublin time (which is where I am) so if I am still awake then I will try and log on if you want to vent. Maybe “speak” later. If not I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[Callmecrazy]

When I get like that I feel like I’m beyond seeking help. Even my therapist (bless her heart) tells me to call her immediately but I never do.
I’m okay now. Maybe I’ll make it to chat. Thnx.

[Emma8]

Just checking in after disappearing for a while and I’m so glad to see you’re heading towards a full month 🙂

The barriers might have done the job last week, but that’s what they’re there for. Sometimes willpower disappears, for everyone at some time or another, and we need those extra steps to protect ourselves.

The barriers feel like a crutch right now, keeping you upright, but their training you away from gambling. Each day you’ll need them a little less and eventually you’ll stay away from gambling purely of your own accord 🙂

Keep going, I’m so happy to see how well you’re doing!

[Steev]

Just wondering what is happening for you as it has been a while since you last posted! I hope things are good – and it would be good to hear.

[Author]

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