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    • #4775
      Jds1999
      Participant

      Hi everybody,

      A few months ago i found out that my dad is a gambling addict and has been for the last 6 years. He rang me up out of the blue admitting it to me and crying and saying how he is sorry how he hasnt been there for me and my younger brother. He said it took over him and for the last 6 years he has been struggling to cope with it. It has come out that he has stolen from family members and has gambled around £100,000 in the last 6 years. I knew he gambled but was shocked when it came out just how bad it is.

      I have lent him around £5,000 of my own money and in 2013 he made me take out £10,000 loan for him which he said was to help start up a business. He still owes me £2,000 of my money + there is £1,500 left of the loan to pay for and he hasnt helped towards that for the last 5 months now. It is adding more stress to a very stressful situation for me as i have been unemployed for 4 months now, i should be getting help but it has been me helping him the last 6 years.

      My parents are divorced and all this time he has told me not to tell my mum, i feel i have had this secret of lending him thousands and i am not getting any help from either parent because of this, my dad has made me skint and says he cannot give me any money and my mum has no idea how much i am struggling because my dad forever tells me not to mention anything to her.

      I am 25 and have had to pay for everything myself since i was 18, driving lessons, college course, holidays and have never been helped financially and to find out my dad has spent £100,000 gambling over the last 6 years i feel angry and let down.

      If anyone has any advice or can just add their thoughts on this would be appreciated thanks

    • #4776
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      <

      Hello

      Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

      Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

      If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

      You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
      situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

      We look forward to hearing all about you!

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team


      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

      privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #4777
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi JDS
      This must have been a terrible and frightening eye-opener for you and I am glad that you have found this site where what has happened to you and how you feel is understood.
      The addiction to gamble is divisive and secretive. Your mother is possibly, probably, aware that her ex husband has a problem even if she has not, as yet, put a name to what the problem is. I am hoping you have a good relationship with your mother because, in my opinion, you could do with a lot of support emotionally and hopefully financially. The secrecy that your father demanded will have helped him get enablement for his addiction from family members and I believe it would be good if the family united to ensure your father stops borrowing and stealing. I cannot tell you what to do because all decisions must be yours but I hope that with knowledge of your father’s addiction you will be able to make informed decisions about whether, or not, to talk to your mother, your brother and other family members.
      Your father has let you down and your anger is understandable. I think it is important to know, however, that your father did not ask for or want his addiction – he was not to know when he placed his first bet that for him addiction was waiting.
      Now that you are aware, I believe you should tell your father that there will be no more bailing out of gambling debts or loans. I suggest you download from the Gamblers Anonymous web site the 20-questions and give them to your father so that he can see that his problem is recognised and he is not alone. I suggest that you tell him that without treatment his addiction will get worse but that treatment is available if he wants to stop wrecking his life. I believe it is important to let CGs (compulsive gamblers) know where support can be obtained and to this end maybe you could suggest to him that he goes to GA, or contacts the Helpline and/or CG groups on this site. In the UK we also have the Gordon Moody Association which is a marvelous, successful residential programme for CGs who want to live a gamble-free life.

      The best way to help your father and yourself is to put ‘you’ first from now on. You matter and it is important for you to never forget that your father’s addiction is his addiction, not yours – you do not have to be controlled by it. If it was me I would definitely talk to my mother but that is your decision.
      I will leave this first reply to you there and await a response from you. I hope it helps knowing that you are not alone. Well done starting your thread.
      Velvet

    • #4778
      Jds1999
      Participant

      I havent lent my dad any money for around 2 years now and he has owed me the rest of my money since then. Him calling me up and admitting to me his problem came from him not paying me any of the loan he made me take out for him for 4 months in a row. Every month he didnt give me the monthly payment i kept hassling him for it and asking why he was in such a deep hole and now me and everyone on my dads side of the family know.

      Unfortnately i do no get on with my mum, i fell out with her when my parents divorced 8 years ago, i have not had the support of my dad because of his gambling and havent had it from my mum because i have never been close to her, neither parent have helped me since they divorced 8 years ago and am now 25 and feel lost myself. I want to now talk to my mum about it all, she wont be happy with me lending my dad thousands but at least she will see why i am struggling so much.

      I have also arranged to see a counsellor next week, i feel i have taken on my dads gambling all on my own the last 6 years and having no help from anyone has really effected me and i want to talk to somone to understand why i feel how i do.

    • #4779
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi JDS
      I hope that you will find that you can talk here and know that what you are saying is understood. It would be really good to communicate with you in real time because I do know what it is like to live with the addiction to gamble and feel unable to talk to anyone so I hope you will join me in the Friends and Family group tomorrow (Tuesday) 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – nothing said in the group appears in the forum, it is private and safe.
      If you want to talk to your mum then in my opinion that is what you should do. Whether she is happy or not about you lending your father money should be immaterial – you are her child and you need and deserve support – I hope you get it.
      I am glad you have arranged to see a counsellor to talk to but in the meantime i hope you will keep posting and hopefully feel less alone.
      I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so
      Velvet

    • #4780
      Jds1999
      Participant

      Thanks Velvet,

      I have wrote my problem on a few sites now and not really getting much feedback so do appreciate any thoughts i receive.

      I keep putting off telling my mum in hope that the problem will go away but i realise it wont while i dont get help from anybody. I am not getting help from my dads side as his gambling has pushed us all apart and dont feel i can get help from my mum without explaining what has happened. I should be able to talk to her but my dad keeps telling me itl make everything worse but realised itl only make things worse for him and he has never thought about how his gambling has effected me.

      I will try and be online for the friends and family group tomorrow which sounds good.

    • #4781
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi JDS
      I look forward to ‘meeting. you later. The group finishes very abruptly at 9 pm so I hope you get in early to give us time to talk.
      V

    • #4782
      Jds1999
      Participant

      Where do I find this group?

    • #4783
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hiya Jds
      I hope that you are feeling a little better having found this site.
      When you have contact with your father it is important to remember that the addiction is ‘his’ and you don’t have to let it control or wreck your life. The following coping method, although not professionally recognised has helped many people, in your situation, to communicate with an active CG.
      Try and imagine when you speak to your father that his addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you don’t lose your cool and threaten his addiction the beast will stay quiet but never forget that it is always awake and listening for enablement , an excuse to gamble or a chance to blame others for its existence.
      Your father is controlled by the beast in the corner but you do not have to be. When you tried to get your money back the beast, which is the master of threats and manipulation, would have left the corner and come between you taking control of what was said. It would have distorted your words to him and likewise it would have spoken to you with deceit. I suspect your father felt he could not get any more money from you at the moment which is why he is temporarily silent but the addiction beast never sleeps.
      If you are confused by anything you hear or read please come straight back at me. I know you are feeling very vulnerable at the moment and I want to help you to understand that there is nothing personal in your father’s misuse of your relationship. I sincerely hope that your mother is going to give you the physical support that you need.
      It might be that your mother has not dealt with her own issues with your father and maybe it will be difficult to break down the wall between you but whatever happens this site is here for you to push your thoughts around in safety – at least if she is aware of how you have suffered, your mother might be more ready to support you than you think.
      I hope the counselor you see will be able to direct you to possible ideas for work that you could do in your neighbourhood – maybe the CAB could help you too. You are at a crossroads and have not, as yet, managed to see a way to go but don’t ever give up looking and challenging yourself – you have had an horrible awakening to your father’s addiction but there is no need for you to allow this to define you.
      I hope you found the’ F&F Cycle and ‘Siblings’ useful and that they helped you to see how and maybe why people have acted as they have around you.
      Keep posting
      Velvet

    • #4784
      Jds1999
      Participant

      I feel like I have been controlled by that beast all this time too, having to keep it all a secret from the rest of my family and dealing with it on my own the past 6 years I now realise has really made me the way I am, always feeling confused and that I can never ask for help from anyone else without worrying if I might bring up his addiction accidentally.

      I feel angry and let down by how he has been as a parent to me, I know he didn’t ask for his addiction but he has just totally let it take over him and just forgot about me and my two brothers, hes become almost a stranger to us. I see now that he has not asked for any money only because I have been unemployed the last 5 months, but he has still left me to pay off his loan and all he says is ‘sorry nothing I can do’. It’s not good enough and I know I need to speak up to my mother which will then hopefully lead to much needed help from her and other parts of my family.

      I have always just been used to covering for my dad and he knows that, he has used me for my money and to keep it a secret which has lead to me forgetting about myself, time to change that and am looking forward to going to my first counselling session tomorrow which will help me see and understand what is going on and how I can make things better for myself.

    • #4785
      twilight16
      Participant

      Hi JDS,

      It’s so good that you are asking questions, trying to get knowledgeable about your father’s gambling addiction.

      I did the same about five years ago. To give you a little insight, and hopefully relief that things can change for the better. I want to express it was the support and help that I received here, through my threads and others, and attending virtual groups with Velvet and others that I was able to become stronger, with this also came self respect; finally standing up against my father’s ruthless and selfish addiction.

      Yet in the same breath, I will say it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I am now living a very happy life. It’s as normal as it can be, the one I imagined living when I was repeatedly taunted for over 20 years.

      Your father will say or do anything to get you on his side. His addiction will cuddle you, making you feel special, for the sake of getting what it wants. But watch out if you don’t help, if you don’t give in. Then the addiction changes tactics and demands and lays on the guilt, bringing in the but I am your father card, trying it’s harder to pull on your heart strings.

      When you wrote that your father said for you not to tell your mom about helping him financially, he did so because he knew your mother would be upset. But he twisted it to look otherwise. My father did the same thing asking me to co-sign a loan and because I trusted him I did. In the end he never paid it back and I was left with a $50.000 loan that I had to pay. I learned the hard way and hopefully you have learned to never give him money again. He is the adult, if he can gamble then he sure can afford what he needs. No parent should be asking their child for financial help, there may be a few instances. Gambling or anything other addiction is not a legit reason.

      I learned through my recovery that tough love was the only way I was going to get out of the mess I was in with my father. He would not listen to reason, or if he acted like he did he would go back to his old ways. I learned that he needed to take accountability and I was not his go to person for enablement. I’m sure you are thinking this must have all came naturally to me but it didn’t. I often felt like a little hopeless girl alone because I didn’t involve my mother because I didn’t want her to take matters in her own hands. In the end when I was finally free. I told her what I went through for many years
      and she said she wished I would have told her and that she wouldn’t have done what I thought. You write that you are not close to your mom and I feel your dad may be using this in his favor to pull you in and manipulate you, to use your kindness for his benefit. This addiction likes to isolate it’s enabler. I would talk to her. I’m sure she wouldn’t be surprised.

      Your recovery is what is important. Just remember every time you give in to your father you are giving to an addiction that is getting stronger by the day.

      Have you thought about putting some distance between you and him? If you want to change your life you must change it.

      Take care,

      Twilight

    • #4786
      twilight16
      Participant

      Hi JDS,

      It’s so good that you are asking questions, trying to get knowledgeable about your father’s gambling addiction.

      I did the same about five years ago. To give you a little insight, and hopefully relief that things can change for the better. I want to express it was the support and help that I received here, through my threads and others, and attending virtual groups with Velvet and others that I was able to become stronger, with this also came self respect; finally standing up against my father’s ruthless and selfish addiction.

      Yet in the same breath, I will say it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I am now living a very happy life. It’s as normal as it can be, the one I imagined living when I was repeatedly taunted for over 20 years.

      Your father will say or do anything to get you on his side. His addiction will cuddle you, making you feel special, for the sake of getting what it wants. But watch out if you don’t help, if you don’t give in. Then the addiction changes tactics and demands and lays on the guilt, bringing in the but I am your father card, trying it’s harder to pull on your heart strings.

      When you wrote that your father said for you not to tell your mom about helping him financially, he did so because he knew your mother would be upset. But he twisted it to look otherwise. My father did the same thing asking me to co-sign a loan and because I trusted him I did. In the end he never paid it back and I was left with a $50.000 loan that I had to pay. I learned the hard way and hopefully you have learned to never give him money again. He is the adult, if he can gamble then he sure can afford what he needs. No parent should be asking their child for financial help, there may be a few instances. Gambling or anything other addiction is not a legit reason.

      I learned through my recovery that tough love was the only way I was going to get out of the mess I was in with my father. He would not listen to reason, or if he acted like he did he would go back to his old ways. I learned that he needed to take accountability and I was not his go to person for enablement. I’m sure you are thinking this must have all came naturally to me but it didn’t. I often felt like a little hopeless girl alone because I didn’t involve my mother because I didn’t want her to take matters in her own hands. In the end when I was finally free. I told her what I went through for many years
      and she said she wished I would have told her and that she wouldn’t have done what I thought. You write that you are not close to your mom and I feel your dad may be using this in his favor to pull you in and manipulate you, to use your kindness for his benefit. This addiction likes to isolate it’s enabler. I would talk to her. I’m sure she wouldn’t be surprised.

      Your recovery is what is important. Just remember every time you give in to your father you are giving to an addiction that is getting stronger by the day.

      Have you thought about putting some distance between you and him? If you want to change your life you must change it.

      Take care,

      Twilight

    • #4787
      Jds1999
      Participant

      I have not given him any of my money for around 18 months now and now that i know he is a gambler and lied to me all these years i wont give him any more. I am just at the stage where he owes me £2,000 of my money which i lent him plus there is £1500 left to pay on the loan and he keeps promising me some money but i now know i most likely wont get it.

      I just spoke to my younger brother about telling my mum soon and he thinks its a bad move as he feels it wont change anything; only give my mum something to be mad at. But my younger brother hasnt been effected by this like i have, he hasnt lent my dad any money and had a secret to keep all this time plus he is getting support from my mum which i have never got.

      Have got my first counsellor meeting in the morning which would be good, first time have been able to talk to someone about this in person.

    • #4788
      twilight16
      Participant

      I sense that you are well on your way to recovery. In tragtds to the money your dad owes you I would consider it lost money. I wouldn’t even bother trying to get him to pay it. It will only bring more unhappiness when he doesn’t, I suppose it will be a hard lesson but one you have learned.

      You are still very young to put this behind you. Seeing a counselor will help you sort your feelings out. Yet return to this site as often as you can for more support. Go back and read other thread as from years ago .

      Wishing you all the best.

      Twilight

    • #4789
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Jds
      Siblings often have different reaction to the actions of the parents and it can depend on many things. Your brother has not got the same relationship with your mother and the difference in years means he will not have the same memories as you. Do what is right for ‘you’.
      It is what has happened to ‘you’ that matters as far as this forum is concerned – you have suffered from living with the addiction to gamble and you don’t deserve what has happened to you.
      I appreciate, as do you I think, that talking to your mother may not go as well as it should – there are barriers between you erected by tragic circumstances and secrecy – but that secrecy is hurting you and the pain is getting greater. Lack of communication can build unnecessary resentment, anger and hurt – unless the parent knows what is going on they cannot begin to try and make things right. It might be that the parent doesn’t know how to make things right but if they are in the dark they definitely can’t make things right.
      I will leave it there tonight with one of my favourite quotes from- Mahatma Gandi:- ‘You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results.
      I wish you well with your counsellor
      Speak soon
      Velvet

    • #4790
      Jds1999
      Participant

      So had the counselling meeting this morning. Explained everything to him and he took down three pages worth of notes and says i have put up with too much for too long and become so used to doing it on my own but that i have to now realise its time to speak up and get help from family.

      I am going to ring my dad tomorrow, explain i had this meeting and tell him i need help, i know it wont be from him so it will have to be from elsewhere and if he cannot get me help i have no option but to tell my mum. I know he will probably tell me to keep waiting and putting up with him and promise me help but i am not listening to that no more.

    • #4791
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Jds
      I hope you felt better for seeing the counsellor – are you going to see him again?
      I suggest you write down what you want to say to your father and also make notes about that which you don’t want to say. His addiction will not want to hear what you are saying and he will probably use all his powers of manipulation to get you to do what he wants. Be ready to say what you want to say and then end the conversation – don’t be afraid.
      The reason that your father wants you to keep putting up with him is because active CGs play for time – every reprieve he gets, however small, is time he can use to gamble. When you talk to him I hope you will be able to recognise when it is his addiction that is speaking.
      It is hard to say ‘no’ to a CG especially when it is your father – Twilight understands all that you have written – she also found it very, very hard to say ‘no’ to her father but it wasn’t until she did that she retook control of her life. I hope you found her posts to you comforting.
      I totally agree that it is time that you got help from your family but the only person that can change your life is ‘you’.
      The following words are said at the end of every GA and Gamanon meeting – Gamanon is the support group for the families of CGs and is the sister group to GA
      God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
      Courage to change the things I can
      And Wisdom to know the difference.
      Well done on the progress you are making. Speak soon
      Velvet

    • #4792
      Jds1999
      Participant

      Was good seeing the counsellor yes, going to see him once a week from now on.

      I will take down all what i want to say to him, i know how its going to go with him just trying to assure me that i shouldnt tell my mum like he always has done but im not telling her to cover for him and its getting me nowhere and making it a lot worse for me so if after i explain how i feel to him and he still shows no sign of helping me then i will tell my mum over weekend at some point. Am hoping telling her will bring me and her bit closer too once she hears everything i have to say and realise what i have put up with the last 5 years.

    • #4793
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Jds
      I wish you well with all that you are going to do.
      You are stronger than your father’s addiction even if you don’t feel like it because he is controlled by it but you are not, you are free to control your own life and be the person you want to be.
      Your father is also capable of re-taking control of his life if he determines to face his addiction. He can change but he has to want to do so.
      Thinking about you
      V

    • #4794
      Jds1999
      Participant

      How do we forgive the gambler? I feel like my dad has lied to me and used me the last 6 years and even now, a few months after he told us about his addiction, he hasn’t bothered contacting me or my brother and it has almost been a month since I heard from him.

      He knows I am unemployed, I am struggling and he owes me money and he doesn’t ever both to see how I am doing. He expects me to keep it all a secret from my mother just so she doesn’t know what he has done to me. I don’t hate him, but we are so used to not knowing him anymore which is the sad thing and that is what I have got used to.

    • #4795
      twilight16
      Participant

      Hi JDS,

      At first you think there is no possible way you will ever forgive your father, however you will see that being able to forgive will come as you progress in your recovery. It will let you let go of all the hurt feelings, though it does not mean you will no longer be emotional about it, because I still cry when I think of the past. But it is a different feeling, it is one of wishing things would have turned out differently for him but not me. I have no hate or ill feelings toward my father and you won’t either.

      The addiction doesn’t care that you are unemployed or struggling or that it owes you money. If it could it would wipe out whatever money you still have in your pockets and bank account. It doesn’t care you might even become homeless.

      This addiction is controlling your father and he is listening to it. So don’t worry yourself about why your father doesn’t care much to your hardships. His mind is deep in his gambling, your words don’t mean much. If you want him to listen, your actions are the only thing that he will understand. It is good that you are in recovery because things only get worst with an active cg. Let go of the idea that you can change him or shock him with words. Again it is your action. Don’t let ideas of what others think to be true alter your decision making either. I would be rich if I had a $1.00 for every, “But he is your father,” line given to me, in the years of estrangement away from my father.

      What is happening to you with your father is serious and can destroy your life if you don’t create a plan of action where you put yourself first.

      All of this takes time, years to accomplish but as long as you stay true to your recovery and apply the strategies that have worked to many of us here, and don’t get pulled in by the addiction to enable, you are on your way to a happy and meaningful life.

      Take care,

      Twilight

    • #4796
      Jds1999
      Participant

      Just spoke to my dad for first time in three weeks, only because its birthday and i wished him well. He rang back and asked how i was getting on, said i was struggling to find work and coping with having no help and having to pay off his loan. I said i almost told my mum about him the other day and he was like ‘you cant jds, it will cause so much hassle and you will be fine soon’.

      I wont be fine soon, it will only cause him hassle. I feel annoyed at how he is still not listening to me saying i am struggling, he is offering me no help and continues to expect me to cover his back with everything.

      I said i need some help financially, his next loan payment is due in 4 days and me paying it every month is leaving me with hardly anything while i have no work and once again he said he will give me money like he has done the last 6 months, if he doesnt get any money within the next few days i feel i wil have to tell my mum. I feel i can get through it without having to let her know if he helps me but i dont know how he doesnt understand he is leaving me with no choice to tell her if he doesnt.

    • #4797
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Jds
      Next time you speak to your dad perhaps it would be better if you have previously written down what you want to say to him and what you should not say to him. For instance, when you tell him that you are telling your mum and he says
      ‘you cant jds, it will cause so much hassle and you will be fine soon’ your reply maybe should be ‘It is not me causing hassle, I am not fine and I need support’. End of discussion, he has no right, in my opinion, to tell you what you can or can’t do – that is manipulation.
      I have explained to you why he is not listening – there is no reason for him to do so while you are complying with his addiction – compliance is enablement and as long as you allow him to manipulate you he will not stop. His addiction doesn’t want to help you; it is selfish and is only looking after number 1.
      In my view, from all you have said, your mother should know that her daughter needs support and she should know it sooner rather than later. Maybe you could ask her to read your thread.
      You are right that you will not automatically be fine soon – your father is manipulating you and only you can stop it happening.
      Be strong Jds – you have a right to be happy
      Keep posting
      Velvet

    • #4798
      Jds1999
      Participant

      I just feel this big pressure in telling my mum. I feel that if i was to find a job then that would take a lot of my stress away. I have a couple of interviews lined up beginning of next week and feel with work i wouldnt be struggling like i am now. I am struggling a lot now because i am getting no help, paying off my dads loan and am unemployed and im just trying to work out if i would still need to tell my mum if i had work. There isnt long left of the loan so i would ideally not have to tell her if i was to get some work soon. But at the same time i am struggling because i am getting no help at the moment from either parent, just confused as what is best to do get a job and keep it quiet or whether i am working or not still tell my mum so it is out in the open and pressure off my shoulders. I just hate dad for putting me in this position and seeming like he doesnt care at all

    • #4799
      twilight16
      Participant

      Somewhere along the way when our parent is an addict we reverse roles; we do what they should do, thinking it is the right thing to do but it isn’t.

      You are protecting your father’s addiction by taking on the responsibity of finding a way to pay this loan that he gambled off, so your mom won’t find out. I did the same thing co signing a loan but in the end, she found out and regardless of how upset she was at my father, she felt sad that I couldn’t go to her. If you don’t tell her, you father will keep on asking you for favors until he really gets you in a bind. Why not let the secret out? It is not for you to keep or feel guilty about. Your father’s addiction is being very selfish, looking out for its self so it can gamble.

      Didn’t you say to your dad that you would tell your mum if he didn’t pay his loan? Well it’s time that you follow through with your words. It is the only way you will get anywhere with this addiction.

      Twilight

    • #4800
      vera
      Participant

      CGs surround themselves with people who, verbally or non verbally agree to keep their secrets. CGs target those who will enable them to gamble. Usually, vulnerable people become entwined emotionally with the CG, who will continue to use those people or that person (you, in your dad’s case, JD)for as long as they allow themselves to be used.
      We are only as sick as our secrets.
      Ask yourself why you are continuing to be part of your dad’s secret life.
      I hate to say this, but sometimes it suits the enabler to allow her/himself to be treated in this way.
      You are NOT in control of your dad’s gambling addiction. You ARE in control of how you react to his demand for secrecy.
      Perhaps you could tell him you intend reneging on the agreement to pay his loan and instead of involving your mother, you could let the creditors know who the real debtor is.
      I have a little bit of “inside info” in this area. I have used your dad’s tricks. I can see right through him , even at a distance, because I too am a compulsive gambler.

    • #4801
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Jds
      You are carrying far too much weight on your shoulders but I can hear that telling your mother is causing you extra distress so maybe it isn’t the right time for you to spill the beans – however, I hope you will take on board all that Twilight has said about her relationship with her mother and maybe share your problem with your mother in the not too distant future..
      If you continue as you are at the moment you will not get help from either parent, one is oblivious to your problem and the other doesn’t want to hear as he is only concerned with himself. It is really tough but in my opinion, it is best that you don’t expect, or hope for, any support from your father – put him on a back-burner and accept that you have to cope with your life without his support.
      The CAB understand the debt that the gambling addict can foist upon an unsuspecting family member, perhaps you could approach them for advice. I did what Vera has suggested you do and told my CG’s creditors that it was him and not me that was the debtor – I was amazed at the amount of compassion I received because they are very aware of the addiction. Naturally their main concern is to get their money back but they will possibly give you extra time or even lessen the debt, it is certainly worth talking to them. I am not sure they can chase your father if you signed the loan agreements but if I were you I would not leave a stone unturned.
      Keep posting J – you will get through this.
      Velvet

    • #4802
      Jds1999
      Participant

      Thanks for all the replies. During the last few months i have realised how my dad has used and manipulated me during these last 6 years which has led me to really not caring about him at the minute. He only rings me when he needs anything, i dread the day i tell him i have work again as i know he will be back on my case asking for money but dont worry now i know his problem i will not lend him money again. I spoke to my brother about this all the other day and it turns out he has lent my dad £2,500 too, and the most recent time he lent my dad money was a month before this all came out in April, i hadnt lent him any money for a few years so thought it was all ok but it clearly hasnt been, i just hate how he has used us both and not given any care about our future or wellbeing.

      I want to tell my mum, i know it will be better with no more secrets, i have just been so used to him drumming it into my head that all hell will break lose if i tell her but really it wont make things worse for me just him. He doesnt want my mum knowing what he has done to me and my brother and the extent of his gambling , i just dont want my mum stressing too, but at the same time she could help me.

      I am struggling at the moment as i have no work, the loan payment is due tomorrow and this is going to leave me short again and all my dad says he is sorry, just not good enough. This is his problem and like you all say i have taken it on myself and it has been my problem the last 6 years and it shouldt be.

    • #4803
      vera
      Participant

      You really need to ask yourself why you continue to pick up the tab for your dad?
      It’s not all about him.
      This is about you!
      I knew 5 people I could “tap” for loans. Swore them all to secrecy to keep my gambling head above water.
      Did I care?
      At some level I cared deeply but my need to gamble was far far greater than their needs.
      It was all about me.
      The only thing I can say m’darlin’, is when you change, everything will change.
      What is holding you back from making this big change?
      There must be some underlying “double bind”.
      I suggest you discuss it with your counsellor.
      It’s possible that you could be using your dad’s gambling to deflect from something you need to deal with.
      Enablers always have a reason to allow the “addict” to continue playing games.
      Take time to reflect
      You will find, most likely that your dad has several “second hand ” loans. Most CGs see that behaviour as normal when we are “active”.

    • #4804
      Jds1999
      Participant

      I dont know what it is, my parents divorced 8 years ago and I sided with my dad at the time, i was closer to him i did more with him and it felt like everyone was against him during the divorce. I fell out with my mum a lot and ever since then we havent been close, i cant remember the last time i told my mum i loved her or when she said she loved me, i have never been able to ask her for help nor has she ever seemed interested in my wellbeing and future. I dont feel comfortable talking to her and whenever we are at home we never really engage in conversation, so during the last 6 years i have had a dad use me for his gambling and a mum who i have not been close to at all.

      My parents hate each other and during the time of lending my dad money if she was to have found out then she would have gone mad for me helping him out while she was doing everything for me and my brother. If i was to tell her now i feel she wouldnt be happy but she would have to realise i didnt know it was for gambling and he put me under a lot of pressure to keep lending him money. I want to get closer to my mum and maybe letting this secret out could be the start of that because up until now i have never felt like she has been there for me either and has never been someone i could turn to.

    • #4805
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Jds
      You sound as though you are going round and round like a bee trapped in a jar unable to find your way out.
      At the moment you are struggling to find work, you have money worries that you don’t deserve and you feel rejected by your mother and ill-used by your father. Any one of those things would distress and confuse the best of us.
      Life is often tough J but if we deal with one worry at a time we can eventually see where we are going.
      The following comes from the Gamanon support book and is one of my favourite pieces:-
      YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

      There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
      One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
      The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
      Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
      This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

      Don’t try and deal with everything at once J. If you decide to tell you mum, do it and see how it goes first before you worry about your dad’s or your brother’s reaction – you can deal with them if and when you need to do so.
      If you feel getting the job is your way out of your predicament then stop worrying about your mum’s, your dad’s or your brother’s reaction and look after yourself.
      If you decide to sort your debt out, then go to the CAB for advice or contact the debt companies and tell them how and why this debt occurred. Do not worry about your father’s reaction if you do this – you are protecting yourself from his poor behaviour and saving him from facing the consequences of his addiction is not going to help him.
      Keep posting – you will get there – have faith in yourself, you are obviously bright and caring – you can rise about your parent’s behaviour and live the life you want to live.
      Velvet

    • #4806
      Jds1999
      Participant

      Today i have been talking to a debt charity online about the loan debt he has left me with. I will call them tomorrow to discuss in further detail what has happend and why i have been left with his gambling debts. The lady online said she understands what he has left me with and it should be able to give me help which will release some of this stress. If i didnt have this loan of his to pay off i would be a lot less stressful i feel, its just the way he doesnt seem to care which is annoying me even more week by week. I have paid off the last 7 months off it and all he says is sorry, he doesnt try and offer me any help or advice.

      That will be good to get help with and have two interviews coming up this week so hopefully can reduce all this stress and pressure one bit at a time. I have decided i will make no effort with my dad at all until he at least starts trying to help me or make effort, i know a lot of you say he didnt ask to be a gambling addict but i didnt ask to be effected by it for the last 6 years either.

    • #4807
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Jds
      What a great post – well done.
      You have taken the first step towards your recovery following all the awful things that have happened to you and you sound so much more positive already..
      The addiction to gamble is a corrosive and terrible addiction and those who have lived with it suffer a great deal but CGs do not deliberately set out to hurt those who love them and that is why I tell F&F that CGs neither asked for nor wanted their addiction. Of course you didn’t want to be hurt in such a cruel fashion and you certainly did not deserve the appalling way you have been treated. I am very, very aware of the pain you have felt in the last 6 years but I believe it is important to know as much as possible about the experience that has hurt you and to understand that there are no winners with this addiction.
      I hope you do well with your interviews – you deserve to have good thing happen to you and I hope the online debt charity you have spoken to can help you. It is a sad fact that you may never get the money back that your father owes you; it would be good if he did repay it but it is best not to raise your hopes because money lent to clear gambling debts is seldom returned. You are not alone, most F&F experience some loss but it is important not to allow such loss to destroy your future happiness – it is your peace of mind, your health and what you do from now on that matters.
      Keep posting J – you are doing well
      Velvet

    • #4808
      Jds1999
      Participant

      I am not sure if i will get the money back, it will not be for a long time anyway, he hasnt paid me any money back for 2 years already and he has more important people that he owes money too so he will pay them off first. Hopefully the debt charity today can help me out reducing the loan payments and that will b big stress relief not having to worry and pay for that every month. I just want his loan paid off so that i can be detached from his gambling and just get a job and start focusing on me for change, one step at a time.

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