4 June 2013 at 11:44 pm #1506blingParticipant
I’m new to this Forum/website and happy to be here.
The gambler in my life is well on the road to losing everything. He doesn’t gamble in casinos, play the ponies or play cards or slots. He "owns" his own home and has borrowed against the entire equity in his home ($350,000) to finance his business (writing and publishing). He would borrow more to finance additional online biz courses taught by gurus, if he could get the bucks. He doesn’t make enough from the business to pay business expenses. This is a huge concern to me because he’s in his 70’s.
I own my own home. For the last few years he has stayed in my residence 4 out of 5 nites per week and I spend the rest of the time in his home (weekends). We live in both places currently. He will have to sell his home because he can’t continue payments.
In the past month or so he basically told me he’s used up all the equity in his home and is concerned about paying the mortgage and home equity line (has enuf for another 2 or 3 months). He indicated he was worried about being able to stay there and wanted to know if he could live with me. I said, of course he could live with me…I wasn’t going to have him live on the street.
Now, I ‘m worried about having him live with me, and regret making that statement.
We became engaged 15 years ago. I never felt comfortable going the next step to get married. I really wasn’t sure why I felt that way…until now. The state of his finances is a huge shock to me. I would not gamble with the equity in my home, so I find his behavior hard to understand.
He has been married twice. He divorced his first wife and second wife divorced him. Second wife inherited a lot of money…she was financially very generous to him when they divorced, but now the money she gave him is gone.
In the past few months he said something about suing me — I’m not sure what his reason would be except maybe because a) we haven’t married, and b) he thinks he will have nowhere to live if I don’t take him in.
Thankfully, we have no joint bank accounts and no joint debt. We alternate paying for groceries. We each pay our own bills for lights, phone, etc.
I understand it would be wise (per Velvet’s suggestion) for me to put up barriers to protect my finances and my home. How could I do that?
Also, I do love him and want to help (but not enable). He is a good man at heart.
Peace5 June 2013 at 11:07 am #1507velvetModerator
As I said to you – your fiancé does not conform to the usual CG but his behaviour is that of a CG.
I’m afraid that thinking a man is ‘a good man at heart’ does not preclude him from being less than good. He has gambled with his home and now he thinks that you can pick up the pieces which doesn’t seem right to me.
I think you require legal advice. From what you say he is not in a position to sue you for anything and the mere fact that he threatened you with such action is not acceptable behaviour. It certainly is not, in my opinion, a good basis for a relationship.
As I said last night I cannot tell you what to do. Having listened to you – I know that if it was me I would not let this man move in to my house permanently.
I don’t know what State you live in but I have read many ***** that couples in some States are liable for the debts of each other – you do not deserve to have your security you have built up for yourself, threatened.
I believe it would be good for you to take a step back in this relationship – I think that, that is what you wanted to do which is why you came on this site. I think you are not sure of the steps to take to remove yourself gently. I accept that you say you love him and love is often what gets in the way of us doing the right thing for ourselves. In my opinion, ***** you, or even suggesting it, is not the act of a loving man.
Please check on your legal position. Put your mind at rest about the ***** suggestions. I find them ludicrous but I believe you should hear it from a legal representative. Make sure that you can, if you wish, rescind your offer of a home without come-back on you.
It is always easier to let someone in to your home, who is seeking enablement than it is to get them out once they are in.
From what you have said, this man is extremely manipulative.
I look forward to hearing from you further
6 June 2013 at 12:57 am #1508blingParticipant
Thanks so much for your caring and quick reply.
I feel that your suggestions are on target. What kind of a lawyer would you recommend?Peace7 June 2013 at 12:32 pm #1509jenny46Participant
I too would resist any temptation to allow him to move in if you can, far from helping him it would be enabling him to continue, this time at your expense. I once made that very mistake. Perhaps he ***** to face the consequences of his own actions and to find somewhere in this grounds to sue you would be quite astoundingly brilliant !!! but for now we could settle for ludicrous or distorted. Perhaps some legal advice may put your mind at rest.
I think its possible that you may find it more difficult to ask him to leave than to stop it now, whilst he is in the throws of the addiction he is not thinking logically and I would doubt his motivation and / or intentions until he seeks help and you are able to see some real evidence of a sustained change.
If its any consolation Bling I could have worried myself into an early grave wondering at ***** if my partner was on the street or starving to death but I am pleased to report that nothing could have been further from the truth, he actually looked very well !! there is often a whole a whole host of enablers ready to take over.
Look after you Bling and your finances, you won’t be the one putting him on the street he will manage that all by himself, he has options and he can make those choices, if he ends up there it is because he has chosen it to be that way.
Look after yourself and please post some more
We see things not as they are, but through how we are today x
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