[Newday54]

I wish I would have found this website many months ago.  However, I am glad that I have stumbled upon it.  Reading the posts and journal entries has been very cathartic.  I hope that posting a journal will also be cathartic and help right my compulsive wrongs.   

I always was a casual gambler but over the last 9 months – I have become a compulsive gambler.   Online casino games habe been my downfall.   What began as me starting out on a hot streak ended up with me giving all those winnings away.   This has resulted in me trying to ”chase these losses” for the last nine months which has resulted in me losing more and more of our family’s savings.   The losses have been staggering and it makes me very sick to my stomach that I have gambled away enough money to eventually cover college for my young child.  I have become completely depressed and my home, work and social life has suffered.  

After throwing away again more money earlier this week in a matter of minutes online, I told myself for the 100th time “never again.”  Hopefully this time this it will hold.   I am in the middle of Day 3 and it is very tough at times to fight the urge to make another online deposit thinking that I will be able to win everything back.   

[Steev]

Coming to terms with the fact that the money is gone is really difficult. I know that I had a few small wins and I thought my luck had changed – but of course it hadn’t and I only lost more. Please don’t be tempted to chase your losses.

Coming on here and posting is a good first step but you do need to put barriers in the way of further gambling – using on-line gambling blockers, ensuring that you keep busy so you have no time to gamble and if possible giving someone else control of your finances will all help. Also local support through counseling or self help groups like GA. I hope to read more from you – keep strong.

[velvet]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Newday54]

An update almost a year later.  The last 11 months have consisted of a ton of gambling downs with only a few ups.  My stomach was hurting last year after knowing that I lost enough money to send my daughter to college.  Well, with my losses over the last 11 months, I could‘ve paid her college twice over now…I am even more disappointed in my self-inflicted stupidity.  From May to September, I was able to stay completely away and it felt good.  But one slip up on a September has put me on a downward spiral since then.   Today is my new Day Zero after suffering too much of a loss in just 30 minutes of online betting today. I finally am going to take Steev’s advice and sign up for an online gambling blocking tool.  My hope is I can finally look back at this day as the day I decided to get rid of this destructive habitat. 

[Now-or-never]

As your username states, today is a new day. I just survived day 1. It’s a long journey but how exciting is it going to be when we say it’s been 100 days. We are never going to get back the money we lost, period. If a miracle happened and we did do you really think you could just walk away at square? You’d think winning streak, now I can try again…. then lose it all and chase even more. There is ever going to be a number you win that would cause you to stop, so you might as well stop now and start living and loving yourself again

[Emma8]

Today is day one for me, again!

Any blocks that you can put in place should really help. I have found myself falling back into the trap when I get promotional emails from casinos, so maybe make sure to unsubscribe or ask to be removed from any mailing lists too.

I hate to sound like some sort of super enthusiastic American promo speaker, but we’ve got this.

What’s really keeping me going is the financial benefits for my family when I save all the money that I would normally spend and finally pay off debts. Focus on those college fees. Set a graduation picture as your phone background if you need to, to help keep you focused!

[Now-or-never]

I’m sorry you relapsed but don’t beat yourself up its never to late to start again and you are here so you are on the right path. Think of those emails as a virus. If you received a virus letter from a bank saying you’ve won 1000 just enter in your credit card details to claim would you ? It’s exactly the same thing, they are literally taking your card and your money away from you in the hope that maybe just maybe you did win. Set a rule on your inbox so that anything with key words like casino go straight to junk

[Newday54]

I agree – there were some times where I did win back a significant amount of money and then of course, I tried to push my luck some more and ended up losing it all and then lost more money trying to chase.  It is a viscious, problematic cycle.  Congrats on surviving Day 1!   I am about to join you.  I look forward to celebrating Day 100 along with you!

[Newday54]

Emma – thanks for the supportive words.  I am with you, what is truly important to me will be the ability to rid this demon and help my family financially.  In thinking about it some more, the ability to truly get rid of this horrible habit over the long term will be much more of an accomplishment than trying to get that next big win.

I wish you the best as you get through day one and beyond!!!

[Emma8]

If my maths is right, you’re on day 6 now? Get ready to celebrate week one tomorrow!! What a feeling you’ll get knowing that you’ve been able to go that long without throwing your money away.

I wonder if you’re noticing any financial benefits yet? For me, having the same balance in my bank account two days in a row is really encouraging. That would probably sound ridiculous to some, but I’m so used to seeing it disappear in £10 increments. What a difference that makes!

[Newday54]

Emma8 – Actually, I am in the middle of Day 3.   I am holding strong for now but based on past experience, I know that it is going to be battle to really go a long time being GF.  Yesterday was payday, and it does feel a little nice to see that the bank account increased yesterday and that I did not spend any of it gambling.

[ARB90]

First of all, we’ll done for coming back. There are many of us that experience relapse at some point during recovery as I have, but it’s important to focus on responding to that in a positive way and making sure you learn from your mistakes. If your gambling problems are online based like mine, it really is worth looking into blocking software which can help in restricting access to these gambling sites. If you are in the UK then Gamstop is a good starting place as it provides a blanket ban from all UK regulated gambling websites. If you are elsewhere there may be similar alternatives that exist. I believe there are also some banks now that are able to block transactions to gambling websites if you request it which is another good option. Just keep working on putting these barriers in place and staying focused on your recovery. I look forward to following your recovery and wish you all the best.

[Seanraj4731]

Its your mind that creates your perception of reality. Money is  secondary nature whereas the mind seeks out thrills and rewards.

By reprogramming with words of affirmations a positive energy burst in your mind and its all up to you to keep that positive energy alive each moment.

Keep this journal

Study other people testimony and you are going to be free.

Focus onthe positive energy.

Look at Santos Rolon aka soldiers of self mastery youtube videos and you will.see the difference.

[Newday54]

I relapsed again yesterday and it was another painful gut-wrenching loss in less than an hour -> the equivalent of one month’s salary. I had been GF for 8 days and the blocking software on my phone was helping. I was traveling and apparently the software on the hotel WIFI was not working as I was able to play.

This time after I lost I took an inventory of how much money I have lost over the past 21 months (when I went from a passive recreational gambler to the compulsive gambler I have become). As I kept adding up the amounts, the guilt added up which eventually led to the sickening reality that I have been working for free the last two years. But putting a number on what I truly lost has given me some new-found perspective and this time, my personal vow “to never do this again” actually feels more credible than past vows. I am in a decent frame of mind today. Part of that is truly coming to grips that the “money is gone” and as opposed to trying to “chase losses” for the millionth time only to know that will lead me to losing more money; that a good outcome will be to not further these losses by stopping gambling and in the long-run that will help not only from a financial standpoint, but will help improve my mental health.

I appreciate the kind support from everyone who as commented on my story. I am committed to be able to post that I am one week GF, one month GF, 3 months GF, 6 months GF, 1 year, etc!!!

[Seanraj4731]

You going step up to the mirror when you wake up and have a talk with yourself. Take a self inventory of your thoughts. You going to start rewiring your mind with the positive words you’re going to be telling yourself each time you look at the mirror. Keep doing this activity early in the morning when you wake up and speak words to build your confidence and uplift your mindset.

You are going to do this from this moment moving forward now. It takes a lot of encourage to step up on this forum and admit this relapse.  you are honest with yourself and that’s a Good positive element from you.

You are going to take it one moment at a time and you are going to see the difference in your mind set. Keep posting each day bro. Spend some time reading people’s testimonials on this forum and be encouraged.

Stay positive

Be bless

[Newday54]

Appreciate your words and insight.  I have been busy with other things to occupy my mind (namely my job) that I have not even thought about gambling.   I am in the middle of Day 4 GF.   This time around things do feel different and I am hopeful that will continue    

I agree – reading other’s testimonies is very inspiring.  

[Newday54]

I have now been 7 full days GF. I have kept myself pre-occupied with other things such as my job, family and trying to do some more exercise. As I try to get through day 8, as I have thought about all the money I have lost, there have been some small urges to log back on and try to win back some of the money I lost.

[Newday54]

A quick check-in, I am now 12 days GF and a few hours a way from completion of Day 13. My job has been keeping me extremely busy which has kept my mind off gambling. Gamban on my phone has also helped me fight the temptations. I have relapsed many times before so I know there is a battle ahead. I really think taking an accurate accounting of my staggering losses 13 days ago has helped give me the painful perspective I needed to reset my life.

Thanks to all who have provided their suggestions and guidance.

[i-did-it]

Hi Newday You have got to day three for one simple reason – your own hard work.

You have installed Gambian because experience has taught you we can’t do it with willpower alone – in fact our willpower is severely weakened by the addiction which will always be part of Us – – it doesn’t mean it has to control or destroy our lives .

Really well done on your gamble free time and the actions you have taken to make it happen. You will be amazed at how every part of your life starts to improve in the coming weeks .

[Newday54]

It has been 10 days since my last check-in but I am happy to say that I am now 22 days GF. Fortunately, I have had only a few temptations to give in. What is working for me is that I continue to be busy with my work which keeps my mind off gaming. I also have been trying to use any free time spending time with family and/or friends. It still sickens me that I lost an insane amount of money (equivalent of two years take-home pay)…but I am learning to come to grips that the best thing for me to do is to stop the outflow of repeated gambling losses and work hard to rebuild the hard-earned savings that I lost.

[Newday54]

i did it..thanks for the supportive words.  You nailed it.  It took me a long time to realize that I cannot do it thru willpower alone…it only took one moment of weakness to get sucked into the gambling vortex.  Gam-ban has helped in those moments of weakness.

[Newday54]

I started the day 27 full days GF. In a few moments of weakness today, I found a way around the blocking software on my phone. I played online blackjack and over the course of about 20-30 minutes I lost about the equivalent of half month’s salary. I stupidly made another deposit to “chase the loss” and I fortunately received a lifeline and won the losses back to break even on the day. I have withdrawn the money.

So I am back to Day Zero again. I was doing well keeping focused on other things other than gambling. Once I break my will power, I get sucked into the gambling vortex. I will try to continue to work on what had been working so well for 27 days. I got tempted today to just play a little bit to win some money. This backfired but I was given a huge lifeline that I need to finally take advantage of.

[Steev]

You have been given a lifeline – and you did well not to carry on playing, but you know where things will lead if you play again.

What triggered you to gamble in the first place. If you can learn from that, watch out for the trigger in the future and ramp up your defences. I know when I kept relapsing, I did less and less damage each time until I stopped completely. I hope the same goes for you.

[Newday54]

Steev – thanks for the feedback. Since I got that lifeline, I have stayed very disciplined. Now 34 days completely gambling free. In a strange away, I feel like the COVID-19 pandemic has helped me focus my attention elsewhere. I have been trying to keep a small business that I help manage stay alive so our workers can continue to get paid. I am trying to ensure my family stays healthy and our daughter educated while her school remains closed.  Also, with the economy being so shaky now, I realize it would be stupid of me to try to gamble anymore of our savings.  This pandemic has been horrifc but a small silver lining for me is that maybe it will help me finally, finally get rid of this terrible addiction. 

[Newday54]

Progress update…since I received my last lifeline, I am 111 days GF. I am committed to continue this success. COVID-19 and the social injustice protests have helped crystallize my focus as to what is important and what is not. I can’t go back and change my horrible past with gambling but I know that I can control what I do today, tomorrow and in the future and learn from my past relapses. I wish for anyone that is reading this and is dealing with a gambling addiction, that they know  that you can persevere and there is hope.  It takes a lot of changes, disclipline, potential relapses, and evaluating how your current behavior  is likely destroying you and your family.  

[Newday54]

I had went over 5 months GF and started to play again in late August. I quickly lost money on online blackjack over the course of 30 minutes and then stopped for a few weeks. I then picked it up back in mid-September and over the course of two weeks actually won a decent amount of money. Like every other time before, I pushed my luck over and over again, and now after a pretty bad day yesterday (after going 7 days GF after a bad weekend last weekend) I lost everything I had recently won and additionally, am now in a bad negative position since resuming in late August.
n
nI had went over 5+ months GF and it felt great not to have my mind occupied with gambling. I need to a much better of job of identifying the triggers. Re-reading my journal entries is a painful reminder that I have ways to go rid this terrible demon from my life.
n
nSo, as I write this in on October 18, 2020…I hope for the thousandth time hope that I can point to this new day as the day I rid this terrible disease from my life.
n
nI commend all that have been able to conquer their demons and I sympathize and empathize with those that struggle defeating this terrible habit.
n

[G Rec]

Sorry to hear you started to play again after going 5 months without playing, but good to see you back to the forums and looking to get back gamble free. 

I had similarly gone 8 months GF up to 4 weeks ago before relapsing and spending a month’s wages before starting my own Journal. 

One thing I have found very useful over the 8 months was reducing immediate access to money. After I received my wages, I would transfer the majority of them to someone else. Even though someone else was then controlling the spend, I was still managing my budgeting/finances but any spend I wanted to make had to go through that person who I trust, thus reducing the temptation to gamble.

Unfortunately with my recent relapse, I gambled the money away before transferring it, but at least the damage was limited to one month’s wages compared to in the past when I very likely would have cleaned out my savings and possibly borrowed from others. I also set up automated payments so from now onwards my wages will automatically be transferred as soon as I receive it. 

Of course, this approach requires having someone available to you who you trust, knows about your gambling problems, and who is also willing to help manage your funds, and so may not be an option for everyone.  If however, you can find someone who fits these criteria, I would really recommend giving it a try.

[i’m_free]

I’m with you on the reboot of recovery. I had a very long relapse where I mostly said this is the last time each visit to the casino only to go again. We can do this! Star

[Newday54]

I appreciate you reading my post and your suggestion. I wish you success recovering from your recent relapse. 

[Newday54]

i’m free – thanks for the message.  I wish you the best on your reboot.  

Coincidentally, i just finished 3 days GF which was also my original post almost 2 years ago.  Given all the painful and costly relapses I have had between that last message and today’s I know this is not going to be easy.  But I am deeply committed to making this reboot more successful.  

i downloaded an app called “Quit That” to track my GF progress.  It has been helpful because it also shows how much money I am saving by not gambling   

[charles]

Hi Newday, there is a secret to not having to keep coming back here. It’s simple really – don’t leave 🙂 If we need help to stop gambling then it is also important to keep using support to help maintain recovery. Keep posting.

[Amber_Disfordone]

I have to say I love your secret. So simple save so true. God help us to follow through 

[Newday54]

Charles –

Such a great secret – and one that I have not done a great job of taking advantage of.  This site has provided me with valuable advice that has helped me stem the gambling habits at many times over the last two years.  In those moments of potential weakness, I need to make it a point to reach out for more support.

[Meghna83]

If you identify as a compulsive gambler then this is for life. 

i recommend the zoom meetings. I gambled the same way as you only with devastating results. i do not test or tempt myself anymore. There are no excuses for me.

compulsive gambling will lead you to the depths of despair again and again until ot unless you surrender to this disease and say NO MORE

[Newday54]

I have not posted to this journal since October 2020. In November I hit another rock bottom (what is new?) and actually was able to step away for 70 days GF.

Then in January online gaming opened up in my state. I thought there would be no harm in making a few small sport bets. Then I got started getting back into my old vice of blackjack. I actually got up to a net profit of over $17k through last night but proceeded to piss away most of it today. I have a little bit of profit left. If I can find the willpower to take this profit and step away it would be a huge turning point for me. Yes..over the past almost 3 years, I have lost a staggering amount of money (for me almost 2 years salary) and I know in my heart that money is gone. But often times before, I have built up some decent gains only to lose them plus some. A recurring theme among most of us who are compulsive gamblers.

As I look back at my journal posts over the last 2 years..there are a lot of positives but they are outweighed by negatives/relapses. I will try to at least make this current chapter a positive one.

[Newday54]

An update from last week. I once again could not stay disciplined and lost my profit the next day and found myself in a net loss position last Sunday night. I proceeded to gamble some more on Tuesday night and lost that as well. I stayed away for 3 days and foolishly tried to win the lost money back last night. I got VERY LUCKY last night and won back all the money I lost this past week. I continued to play today and actually built up a $25k profit but just foolishly flushed most of that way AGAIN. Rinse, wash, repeat.

Maybe a bright side was I was about to spend more of my winnings but actually had the willpower during this bad streak to stop and walk away. I then wrote in my personal journal for about 45 minutes and then came here to post.

This truly can be a turning point for me. I got a bit lucky this week. Yes, over the last 2+ years I have lost a staggering amount of money (equivalent of two year’s salary) but I am fortunate that I built up a savings over the years, that while these losses were very painful, I still have some savings left and I have a good paying job.

But I need to rid myself of this compulsive habit and I point to tonight as another “Day Zero” moment. I need to stop chasing the past losses. That money is gone. When I got up to $25k today, I had dreams that I could win everything back I lost in the last 2+ years. That was a mistake but like others, when you get engulfed in gambling, you lose your rational thinking. I am actually thankful and hope that my moment of actually stopping while “still ahead” will help me rid most of my very big gambling habits.

[josh]

I hope you’ve remained GF, following your saga from the get go. God, I feel for you/others who just can’t walk away. I think I gambled less than $5 once, figured I wasn’t lucky (I’m not) so why bother. Never gambled after that, literally – nothing.

This disease sounds incredibly powerful – seems almost everyone can’t walk away being up. At least for long. I’m convinced there’s something in the CG brain that’s different – than mine (and others who don’t gamble). I hope some day, there’s a real fix for it b/c it sure is destroying lives, families etc.

And that’s sad..

[Newday54]

Josh – thanks for your post and following along. Be thankful that you have been able to stay gamble free. It is a powerful disease.

I pushed my luck again over the last 7 days…and shockingly I won a good amount of money! I have made a withdrawal request and if I can possess the power to let it clear, I will have made a small dent in my overall losses.

I know it was wrong of me to gamble again when I said I needed to GF for the millionth time. As I look back at my life, this another huge lifeline that I need to finally take.

[Newday54]

I have not been able to stay away since my last post over 3 weeks ago. The shocking thing is that since my last post I have continued to generally win. Deep down I know this won’t continue if I continue to keep playing.

I am posting here to keep myself honest. I just set a timer to try to stay away and lock in my recent wins. While I still have lost a ton of money other the last 3 years..I have been fortunate to win a good amount of it back these last 3 months. A lot of people don’t get this good fortune and a true “second chance.” I cannot waste it!!!

[Newday54]

It has been two months since I posted. To no surprise (to me at least), I was not able to stay away. Fortunately, over the last two months my net winnings actually allowed me to pretty much break even with all of the losses I have had in the last 3+ years. I know I beat the long odds in doing this. In fact, I actually was in a net profit position the last few weeks but foolishly feeling “invincible,” I gave those profits away in some quick 30 minute bursts on multiple occasions.

This 3 year sickness has taught me it is not easy to stay away. Will power alone will not do it. When I first posted here in February 2019, I hoped that just writing a journal would get me away doing it. At that time, I became heavily depressed because of my losses – because I lost the equivalent of one year’s salary. However, I did not listen to suggestions like the one from Steev to build barriers. While will power kept me away for many months in 2019…I resumed playing in the Fall of 2019 which led to a downward spiral into early 2020 when I started to install barriers like GamBan.

GamBan worked until it did not (when I was traveling the hotel WiFI did not capture it) and I had a bad relapse night..and tallied my losses in my hotel room (while sobbing) and saw that I now lost 2 years of salary.

If I look back at my journal – I was able to stay away for prolonged times (like when the pandemic hit)…only to relapse and lose big. Rinse, wash, repeat.

After another quick burst lost night yesterday, I realized that I am not doing enough to truly stay away. I downloaded GamBan again and deleted all of the gambling apps off my phone. I have been given a true “life line” of getting back to even….two years of salary won back. If I lose any of this…I cannot imagine how worse my depression or sense of regret would be.

A long winded of saying I am back to Day 1 (again) but hopeful that I am more committed to staying away from this like previous times.

I plan to write again here more often and also help others in need…much like the many others in this community provided a lot of great support and suggestions to me.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Newday54.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Newday54.

[Newday54]

My own diary over 2+ years shows how difficult it is to beat this sickness. I am back to Day 1 again. Since my last post two months ago..I disbanded Gam-ban and lost everything that I won back this year. The story of my life is “chase, chase, chase.” The reality is I have not put enough barriers in place..namely not confiding in my family because I am too ashamed too. If someone reads my post..please do one thing..open up to your gambling problem with someone you confide in.

[Meghna83]

Hi newday54,

These were your words not too long ago

I have not been able to stay away since my last post over 3 weeks ago. The shocking thing is that since my last post I have continued to generally win…’

… I just set a timer to try to stay away and lock in my recent wins…I have been fortunate to win a good amount of it back these last 3 months. A lot of people don’t get this good fortune and a true “second chance.” I cannot waste it!!!‘

Compulsive gambling is a lose lose situation. There are no wins so one needs to drop that word and live in reality. Until a compulsive gambler surrenders to this illness by not placing a bet, it is only a matter of time before it will bite back.

[Newday54]

Meghna83 –

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it and I appreciate you reading my prior posts and looking at my prior words. You are 100% correct. The end result for me (and many others) needs to be not placing a bet ever again.

To put stronger barriers in place..I am going to sign up for a GA or equivalent session. It is way past time for me to do something different if I truly want to rid myself of this debilitating sickness.

[charles]

Hi Newday,

Yes it sounds like you need more barriers, yes you would benefit from honesty with your family. Can I add using more support to that list? Whether that is more posts here, getting to groups here, going to GA meetings, using other support. None of us could do it on our own or we wouldn’t be here in the first place.

[Newday54]

Charles,

Yes. You are right. Taking advantage of more support is something that I need to do more of. I fully admit I have done a really bad job of this.

I am happy to say that it has been 4 days GF for me.

[Author]

Posts