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    • #29776
      saliboc
      Participant

      Hi everyone. Not sure who all reads these but thought I would start a journal to document my road back to ME. I grew up in Las Vegas, Nevada and I was around casinos all the time. My family moved away when I was 15 and we never turned back. Both my parents were ministers in the Catholic Church and neither of them ever gambled while living in Vegas. Mostly because they didn’t have any money but also because they just didn’t care for gambling or the environment since it surrounded us. I never had any kind of addition issues except smoking and I stopped smoking 17 years ago. I’m in the hospitality industry as a Senior Account Executive and I spend tons of time in Vegas and in other cities where I am exposed to casinos. I would gamble in the evening after my conference with other industry folks and it truly was just for fun. A few years ago I was faced with some marriage issues and was dealing with a husband that got angry and would yell at me or our kids often. He never laid a hand on any of us nor would he but the yelling really impacted me and I found myself telling him that if he started to yell, i would walk out the door and come back when he was calm. The problem is that he would have his melt downs at night and because there is no where for me to go at night, I would go to the casino. I have NEVER liked going anywhere alone, but i found myself excited to finally get into an environment where nobody knew me, nobody needed anything from me and I could become a ghost in an area where I was surround by people and slot machines ringing away. I started taking a few hundred dollars with me but then I would hit the ATM all night long just so that I could stay in the game. It got to the point where I wanted to be in the casino and would almost be relieved when my husband and I got into a big fight because it meant I could hit the casino again. In any case, like many other stories on this forum, the escape turned into a vicious addiction and has roared it’s ugly head in a horrible way. The pain, the battle of the mind, the struggle has been overwhelming for me. I am the main breadwinner for our family, I have four children, one who has graduated from college and has recently landed an amazing job in the Motion Picture industry and so I can say that I have done as much as I can to be the best mom, the best wife and the best trusted advisor for my clients. The only problem is that the overwhelming need for me to be all things for all people has literally thrown me over the edge and so I became the perfect candidate for slot machine addiction. I literally escape to that place where nobody knows my name (although they are starting to in the recent months). I cannot explain the relief i feel when I first arrive at a casino and sit down at a slot. I have started smoking again just at casinos as I guess it goes hand in hand. I figured that if I can’t beat them i would join them and so I smoke while I push the buttons on the slots. After reading other posts and other stories I realize that although I initially started gambling as an escape from the stress of my marriage, it has become a quick “go to” for the times I get bored, when I am overwhelmed with my kids or with work. It became the all time solution for all my issues. Today is day one and I found this site and wanted to make sure that if I am now on the road to recovery, i have to be on it with others as I cannot do this on my own. My family does not GET me? They cannot understand how I have fallen apart like this. Like I read in other posts, it doesn’t matter if I win or lose, I feel the exact same way when I leave the casino. A few months ago throughout a course of an all night binge, I must have won 8-$10,000 and put 1/2 back in the slots before walking out the door at 6am in the morning. I handed my husband almost $5,000 and was more depressed than when I came home a loser which is about 99.9% of the time. I gave up my ATM cards, and I have done everything I know to do to set myself up to succeed but it is so hard because I am in VEGAS all the time on business and constantly walking through casinos to get to meeting space. I am scared to fail because I have tried so many times and failed. I ask myself and God if I will ever be free from the chains that bind me to this addiction. I am hopeful and I know that it is possible and I love that it truly is one day at a time, one hour, one minute. I want my life back. The life I had before gambling. Because I am at a casino all night long, it takes me the entire next day to recover and my family is impacted when I don’t come home at night. The kids have turned a blind eye and it breaks my heart as my husband covers for me. I have admitted to all of them that I have a problem and that I am trying to work through it. We even restricted ALL use of media from 4-9 at night so that we could all be free from our smart phones and could be checked into each other. That has helped me tremendously, but it’s hard to keep my mind of gambling when it’s not occupied with other things. I am in the worst shape of my life, on top of the world at my job, and to friends and family around me I look like one of the most successful women they know but this ugly secret taints my life and because it is so strategically hidden, i feel like I am alone in the darkest place of my lifetime. While reading in this forum I feel like I could have wrote so many of the posts myself. I am amazed that it’s taken me so long to find this site. I really hope it helps. I found a counselor not too far from my home that specializes in CG and even though he’s 30 minutes away I am making an appointment to go see him. I truly want to be free from this addiction. At this point I have wondered if I needed anti anxiety medication to get me through.. I am thinking of everything and not ruling out anything. I am totally willing to accept that I need help and one day I want to be the person helping other. Today is day one and the first day on my journey to recovery. I am not expecting perfection but I am expecting to do better than I have in recent months. I hear the first couple of weeks and months are the hardest. Not sure I am ready for that big of a battle but I will try hard and do my best.
      So glad I found this place. I feel safe and I feel understood.

    • #29777
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      <

      Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

      Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

      Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

      And on that note….

      I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team


      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
      privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #29778
      Liberty
      Participant

      hello sailboc
      Your post was a lovely open and honest start to your journey of recovery from this most painful soul destroying addiction.
      I am glad that you have found this site too, there are also chat support groups open at different times of the day where you can go and chat in real time with other people just like us, who not only want to break free from this killer problem gambling but know that in order to recover, changes must be made and we have to be hundred per cent honest with ourselves, it thrives on secrects and lies. I think you have made a fantastic start with your introductory post, well done Sailboc.
      I too have been battling this for nine years plus, tried all sorts of different strategies, I found this site a couple of months ago and the support I have received from people here and the Gordon Moody team is second to none, it’s not easy at times very difficult and I have had a few slips along the way, but I am here to continue with this battle a day at a time, I won’t gamble today, for today is all I need to deal with right now.
      Liberty

    • #29779
      I_Maverick
      Participant

      Hi sailboc, what a wonderful post. You can do this with the right support. I have been battling with a gambling addiction for 3 years and it has ruined my life, pushed my wife and young son away, wrecked my business through not putting the time into it and now it looks like my business will fold. I have been diagnosed as clincially depressed and am now on anti-depressents. I am struggling to work and focus, all I do is think of the damage I have done myself and my family.

      I would hate to see you end up where I am, which is a very dark place. This addiction will rob you of everything – money, self respect, family, future. I have been gamble free for 12 days today, which is not a long time. I am severely depressed, and struggle to see any light. My wife has been amazing, but she is exhausted.

      I reccomend you to read THE EASY WAY TO STOP GAMBLING. This is all about how to quit not through willpower, but through reprogramming your brain to not need gambling. It is easy to find on Amazon, and I read it once a week. I still get urges, but they are not the biggest issue facing me. I know have the face the debris of my life, and how to pick up the pieces.

      One day at a time is all it takes – you sound as if you have not lost everything yet which is wonderful. Within time your work will suffer, your home life, everything.

      I hope to see you succeed and I send you all my love.

      Mav

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