[p]

The destination is recovery and so begins a new chapter of my journey.
From the depths of despair, from pain and suffering I am propelled to begin again.
— 2/14/2013 2:38:49 PM: post edited by P.

[p]

Hi all
Thanks Cat you are always so supportive nice to read your post thank you. Well urges have hit can you believe it, yes of course you can, we are addicts we are going to have urges right? Well i certainly am but have decided to read a book and eat some food instead. Good choice today
P

[p]

Well. Its the first of Autumn here. I think some of you call that fall. Just so tired and full. Just wanted to post as thats a type of commitment to recovery. I will start working on yhe things i need to change about myself soon. Having bad anxiety almost daily.

[Anonymous]

Hi P:  Dinner, wine and a good book sounds like a great choice to me.  Just get into your jammies and relax with your book.  The urges will go away … the damage of acting upon them will not.  Stay strong my friend.  Love, RG

[cat438]

Hi P, anxiety is a terrible thing to deal with.  I also suffer from it and it is so horrible when you can’t relax and you feel so wond up.  I have found if I do some Reikki healing hands it helps to calm me.  I know it is not for everyone, but it helps me I have given you a link to try http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77j9Eu3TWkQ&list=UUU4pPXNcWl8INgotARRLSrQ
It’s not for everyone, but I find that for me it does help
 One day at a time my sweet lord…

[neva]

We’re just starting Spring here in my part of the USA.  I don’t think I could bear starting cold weather again!  I also have anxiety. My husband says ‘there’s a pill for that, and if you don’t want a pill, they have alcohol for that".  Of course he’s kidding but he recognizes how hard certain situations are for me.  I hope you find some peace and relaxation today…and tomorrow and on and on.  Of course gambling only adds to our anxiety so, lets not do that! Sherry

[p]

Thanks RG, Cat and Sherry
Well, it is Autumn here the weather is cooling a little but nowhere near cool like you have. Our cool maybe your warm?
Not sure i get confused with the time and weather zones still all over the place and ive been her for ages.
Things are getting a little better each day but i do have a big sadness in me and i do have some urges today. Oh well, it is life and i have to get on with whatever comes without gambling.
P

[icandothis]

Hi P, This is our month..The beginning of something new.  Not sure what it is, but I can feel it.  Sending you love and support.

[p]

Hi again i feel like i have to post again. Well i am here with a bottle of wine and a pizza. Its amazing the little things i can buy when i dont gamble. Its not just the money though its the state of mind, i have been feeling very depressed but i know it can be a kind of grief when you say goodbye to gambling too, its been my friend in a way. Its temporarily filled the hole in my soul but only while in action. Once out the doors broke and insane in my mind, i was so much worse off. I never want to go back to gambling i really dont. I am having a treat. My son had a treat, friends, food and fun and usually i go without. This time i thought make recovery fun, make it good and worthwhile. If i deprive myself all the time in guilt i will go back to gamble because i feel so bad. if i make this journey enjoyable well hey, i might just be able to do this. i think my last relapse was enough, i really do. I couldnt go through what i just did. I have crawled out of this relapse i really have. It totally flattened me. I dont want to go back.
I was ready for a chat but no one is around at this time i will have to time it better. here is to all of us. On our journeys.
P

[maverick.]

Hi P, I like the sound of that “a bottle of wine and a pizza”, you are so right in what you say “its amazing the little things i can buy when i dont gamble” and also so very true when you say “its not just the money though its the state of mind”, I know life in general at ***** can be so very tough and I also know when I make the choice to gamble it only ever leads me to the same place, ok some***** it will take me on a different route there but the destination that I always reach is the same and that place is horrendous, so just for today I choose DESTINATION RECOVERY, I just wanted to wish you all the very best and thank you for all your help and support you have given to me and many others, take care love Maverick.

[trulyshi]

Wish I had a glass of wine in my hand right now, I would toast you – Heres to P, just look at how great she is doing.  I have days where I am really depressed too.  I was just reading Betties post about her sister and I had a wonderful memory from my childhood of my sister, it made me smile.  Try to think of something that makes or made you happy, P and hold onto that memory for a bit, it may help to chase the blues away.  Luv ya, Deb

[p]

Hello
Well another morning is here but I am having some urges. I will get through them, there are many things i can do this morning. I am changing my boys room around so that he gets a suprise when he is home. I am also going to try to do some exercise today though it seems to be at the bottom of the list as far as my motivation goes. I am finding it hard to settle. i feel restless this is not a good sign but i will not give in, i won’t. I have to stop now, for good, no more relapses, if i go once i am gone.
P

[icandothis]

Hi P,  I am feeling restless, too.  Like I just can’t seem to fit into my own life.  We can do this, P.  Hold on!

[vera]

Thanks for your support and advice P! It fell on deaf ears, unfortunately….what more can I say.
Everytime I gamble. it’s totally my own fault!
I feel very detatched from everything and everyone right now. Just like a robot! The nightmares are back.

[ready2change]

Hi P thanks for your post just for today we can stay bet free thats all we have to worry about mind u its 725pm over here and im not sure what your time is where you are im getting a bit confused with everybody on different ***** on here mind you it dosent take much to confuse me sme***** haha. Take care

[Anonymous]

Keep going my friend. You are doing well. You know what you have to do !!! Dig deep

[kathryn]

I know you can do it P,
Use the tools you have learnt here, they really do work…..
Im glad to be back, my password wasnt working and i thought it was my computer…..duh!!!!!!
Love K xxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

hi p,
just came looking for you.
bettie

[pumkin113b]

Hey ((P)). Just thinking of you. Hope to catch you in chat sometime soon — it’s been too long.  Pumkin

[neva]

Hi P, just thought I’d check in and see how you’re doing.  Not sure if you have your son this weekend, and know it’s hard for you when he’s not home, so I wanted to offer some encouragement.  Just remember, you only have to get through ODAAT and if that seems overwhelming, you only have to get through the next few hours.  There’s always something on TV, a project at home or something that will keep your mind occupied for a short period of time.  Breaking the day down by hours helped me many ***** and I hope it helps you too.  Was your son happy with his new room arrangement?  Some***** change is good! Hope you’re doing well and enjoying your weekend.  Sherry

[kathryn]

***** Miss P,
No post for a while so i thought id bring you to the top……..
Hope all is well with you,
Post soon,
Love K ***
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Thanks K
Well. I have not been in a good place lately. I sunk into a pretty low depression. Not gambling but ***** were just really hard to deal with. Havent felt like posting to be honest
P

[lizbeth4]

Hi P!  I am sorry to hear that you are depressed.  Hang in there.  You are alot stronger than you give yourself credit for.  I will be thinking of you.  Take care.

[finding_laura]

Hi P,
I’m so sorry to hear the ***** have been bad. Have you checked in with a health care professional about that. Sometimes we need some help with depression. And sometimes that help ***** tweeking. I haven’t been very available the last couple weeks. Just now catching up on email and stuff. Don’t let yourself sink P, you’ve developed some life lines, its up to you to use them though. Hope you had a better day today. xo Laura

[bunkers22]

***** P, I wanted to thank you for chating with me the other day.  It seems odd at ***** conversing with others without faces, but it somehow helps to know that others are facing the same temptations as I am.  I was reading your posts because just those few moments the other day in the chat room made me want to connect with someone who was experiencing the same thing.  I hope today is a bit brighter for you than those in the recent past.

[icandothis]

Hi P, Glad to read you have been going on chat.  Thinking of you today and just wishing you well.  I can feel myself losing patience with recovery.  My life doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  Sorry to dump.  I know…One foot in front of the other ODAAT.  We can do this P!  Sending you good thoughts, and just in case you are having a day like I am…also, sending you patience and faith in your recovery.

[p]

Thank you for your support. Lizbeth thanks for thinking of me when you are going through what you are. Laura thanks for your post it was good to see you again. bunkers i enjoyed our chat sorry it couldnt have been longer. I can we can do this. things arent going well for me right now but i know they will get better. At least not gambling. I know it seems small my problems but the depression and mental issues I have gone through in my life are like a disease also. Mental health problems cause a lot of suffering though people on the outside can not usually see or identify them because it is not like having a broken leg that is obvious or a condition that is seen by the eye or understood like a physical illness.
I have struggled for so many years with depression and it was going ok there for a while but it is back with a vengeance. The good thing is i am not adding to this by gambling but it is coming out now i am not gambling. The smallest of things lately have been hard. Each night i go to bed and i hope to wake in a better frame of mind. I do lots of meetings and try all the postiive self talk and things to make me feel good but its not something i can snap out of. The reason i havent posted lately is why post when i feell this, why post when this is the reality of things. On a good note my boy loved his room. The change was welcomed and he is happy and enjoying life. I love seeing him happy. He is so full of wisdom, the things he says some days just blows me away. I try to hide as much as i can my down feelings as much as i can. i still feel doing this is better than him seeing me in misery. **** it till you make it they say and if i act like i am really ok maybe one day it will click who knows. the good thing is when i go to meetings i can be real. here i can be real but i kind of feel like its depressing to even write a post like this. I also feel a tad invaded as a few friends from GA i am aware of know that i post here and i just feel like i am venting to the world. I do keep a personal journal at home now which i will start writing in again today. I am not a social person i never have been but the meetings i go to i really look forward to. I love being in a room and just listening to the stories of transformation in peoples lives and also of their courage.
I really am grateful for so many things in my life and i try to be aware of what i need to be thankful for every day. Being grateful has not taken my depression away though or reading postive books, or going to therapy. Its a battle some days it really is. I know it will ease up its just worse at this period. Since my last relapse it really has done my head in. It hurts too much and I am just fighting myself really in so many areas. I dont know who i am i really dont. I have been in addictions for so long i dont know who i am without them. Guess i will find out. If i have enough courage and determination to get through this, though courage and determination dont have a lot to do with it if you are a compulsive gambler, its just doing it a day at a time and not gambling for today. Thats all it is, if i did it yesterday i can do it today. I have to not listen to me so much and listen to others. I have become my own best friend and my own worst enemy. My head is a funny place to live in.
P

[neva]

P, thanks for being so honest about your depression and struggles. I think a lot of us suffer from depression so you are not alone.  I’ve certainly posted when I’ve been down.  Like you, I have wonderful kids and good things in my life but the dark ***** come anyway.  Post what you want. You could be helping someone else along with yourself.  The good thing about this site is if someone doesn’t want to read what you’re posting, they don’t have to. 
You are making progress ODAAT.  That’s all any of us can do.  Big cyber hug to you p.  I hope the depression passes soon.  Sherry
 
 

[p]

Thanks Sherry for your support. Today got better. I didnt gamble. I worked on recovery and i was mindful all day of watching my thoughts and being kind to everyone i came in contact with today.
I need patience and I know that things will get better.
P

[Anonymous]

I agree with Sherry P. Post anything you want, you cannot imagine that you may be helping just a single soul somewhwre in this cyber wilderness, and if thats the case, you are doing a magnificent thing for helping someone who feels exactly as you do. I can see you are a terrific fighter and are giving your all. I appreciate its not easy. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.
Ed

[bettie]

hi p,
just a quick check up!
thinking about you!
bettie

[trulyshi]

P its important for you to post as often as you can when you are feeling depressed, there is alot of support and wisdom here to help you through.  I have come to learn that it does not matter who reads your posts, if it helps you then that is all that matters.  I am so proud of you that you have not gambled, you are a very strong person and know what you want.  Glad your son likes his room, its so nice to be appreciated.  Thinking of you and I am in your corner.  Debbie

[ready2change]

thanks for your post P i really appreciate especially as your not getting it easy at the moment. I hope your **** lifts soon and i really admire your determination and not escaping from the depression with the gambling really do admire that and long may you be gamble free adaat take care P

[p]

Im having bad urges at the moment… looking for strength, praying for sanity
P

[trulyshi]

Strength comes from within P.  You can do it, just think of how you would feel afterwards if you gambled.  You would be even more depressed.  Remember how much you hate having to start over ******** the days in recovery.  Remember all the ***** you have lost money and how it made you feel.  YOU CAN DO THIS, I have faith in you.  Deb

[p]

Thanks Deb. I got through. I am so pleased i didnt gamble. What i would be going through now. Ugh. Never want to go back just have to get through the stages im impulsive urges. Sometimes they hit with such force and sneakily work on weakening me. I wont go back. Not this time. I want real recovery. Its my priority. Nothing at this time is more important. If i dont have recovery I dont have life.
P

[p]

Thanks Deb. I got through. I am so pleased i didnt gamble. What i would be going through now. Ugh. Never want to go back just have to get through the stages im impulsive urges. Sometimes they hit with such force and sneakily work on weakening me. I wont go back. Not this time. I want real recovery. Its my priority. Nothing at this time is more important. If i dont have recovery I dont have life.
P

[p]

Hi again its 3 30am and i cannot sleep. Have the flu and i have to work tomorrow. Wow i will have to be very aware tomorrow of things as i know insomnia is never a good thing for me when i am overtired i overeact. Well better go try to sleep again. I had tried untill 2 and nearly went insane so i got up.
I am so happy that i am gamble free, i think that depression is lifting a bit yehoooooooo. Want this recovery more than anything.
P

[ready2change]

well done with the no gambling P you dug in and your getting the reawards and hopefully now at this very moment your asleep all these different ***** on here i find a bit confusing its 635 pm over here haha

[p]

Good morning. Ive had 2 hours sleep am sick and have to go to work blah. Much caffeine is in order. Thinking of the machines but i am aware. Not spoiling this recover for anything.
P

[p]

Well I am glad Im through the day. I am sick. I am thinking about gambling but i dont want to. Wish it would just be erased like it never existed.
I am going to sleep well tonight i think. I need a meeting.
P
ps. Still thinking of Lizbeth…

[Author]

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