21 August 2013 at 7:45 pm #9201
This is the beginning… A new life choice. A new way to live. Today I made a decision to stop the madness in my life. I had to get my mind in the right place and I feel it is. Gambling has taken years from me. I am scared of the ferocity with which I gamble. It has grown over the years. It’s exhausting and is taking its toll now emotionally and physically. I don’t gamble a little. I just gamble at every opportunity and it has taken over my life. It is extreme now. I want to stop. I want a life without this sickness. I have made the choice to kick gambling out of my life. I feel like it is some evil force that takes over. I am desperate for a different life. Gambling has taken my hard earned money. My self esteem. My years. My happiness. I have lost people. Become distant. Damaged family time. What I have lost cant be replaced. I don’t want to lose anymore. Today. A decision. A decision to let go of gambling and grasp a new life with all my heart and soul. I need to change… NOW. TODAY.
Luna Girl.1 September 2013 at 7:13 am #9202
I wanted to gamble. I started thinking of the machines again. They wouldn’t leave my mind, i could see and hear them almost. I keep getting flashes of them in my mind. I almost felt convinced it would be ok for me to go. This is not ok. This is going to be tough. My mind is playing tricks on me and i feel like i don’t need to worry if i just go occasionally. I have never gone occasionally, i have gone for ten years flat out. There is no sometimes, a small time, just this much money with me. I know this, i have repeated the same behaviour over and over and over. Yet my mind is not fully accepting it. It was accepting it yesterday. I feel spun in every direction. I didn’t gamble though. I need to put a lock on my thoughts. I need to weed them out they are quite poisonous sometimes. I have said prayers today to keep me strong. To help me to not cave to this crafty disease or addiction or whatever it is. I’m not quite sure how my conscious has allowed me to keep doing it but i see how it entices me. I’m not sure how i will go for the long haul. I don’t want to ever gamble again. I want to be strong enough to get through this. I’m asking for strength. I am ******** on my prayers being heard today.
Luna girl1 September 2013 at 2:20 pm #9203paul315Participant
Originally posted by Luna
Dear diary This is the beginning… A new life choice. A new way to live …
Good morning Luna, and a belated welcome to GT, a place where we can learn to strengthen our resolve to live a new life and find ways to keep making the right choices. One we come to accept that our live have been unmanageable by this addiction, we can then start making our own choices, making the right choice each day.
My name is Larry and I too am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was October 27, 2012, a bet made after over three years of being gambling free when I found myself in the right set of circumstances and unguarded, a position that your thoughts have been drawing you to; but take warning from the actions of others and stay strong and keep on not gambling — the first next bet is the one to not make at all.
You are already using some of the better tools for holding true to you desire, you are journaling each day – writing in your diary about your ups and downs, and keeping track of your progress to go back to as a reminder of were you were and where you are today — "recovery is progress, not perfection". You are also turning to your Higher Power for strength and guidance — will power and self knowledge alone will not help as much as adherence to spiritual principles and a positive programs. As Kathryn posted to you a few days ago, " have you thought about extra support such as GA? It is so difficult to fight on your own. Not only can you talk to others, you may make some friends, it can really enhance your recovery and you may not feel so lonely" — you are not alone in your thoughts and past mistakes, you also need not be alone in our journal. This site is a great help, but a live group will make it even greater. And if you have yet to visit the live online chat rooms here, log on and use them to share in your thoughts and struggles.
You also mention that you are really ready for change, a change from gambling over the past ten years to not gambling is only possible by making changes to any character faults that the addiction feeds on — "without change there will be no change". Look at you life and lifestyle, and at you finer character traits – your spiritual make up; work at enhancing these qualities of your life as you allow changes to the lessor ones. When you stop feeding your addiction with these weaknesses as well as not allowing it additional footholds into your daily life by gambling again "for just one more time", you will find that recovery will continue and you will be living a better live with better thoughts.
Sorry for the long post, and the belated welcome. I do not post as often as I have before (but I still keep my personal diary and make my daily pledge to not gamble, and read the other post), so when I do post I tend to babble on as I did in the past. But I hope you get something from my rantings that will help you.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep posting and reach out even more to other that are combating these same feelings.
LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.1 September 2013 at 10:51 pm #9204
Dear diary (thanks for writing paul315 Larry)
Today things are not good. The extremes that come with this are incredible. I feel defeated. I feel like i will undoubtedly go under. I just feel like i will not be able to do this and am extremely close to gambling. My head is already out the door but my heart and body are here typing. I am a loser at this.
Luna girl2 September 2013 at 7:20 am #9205
I gambled. I gambled like a complete out of control mad person. I am insane. I gambled for hours and hours and hours and hours. I used all the money i could get my hands on, i went completely stark raving mad. I feel sick. I feel like i never want to go outside again. Maybe i wont. Not unless i have to do something for someone else. I may become even more of a recluse than i am and just fade away into my eroding shell. I am dying inside. I feel there is no control over me stopping, i just cant do it. That is so sad, so sad that it is so bad within me. I can go and lose so much in such a short time. I cant bet higher i bet the maximum and just slam those buttons as hard as i can and i cant stop myself. It doesnt matter if i win. It doesnt matter if i lose, i just cant stop myself. I need to be locked away
Luna girl losing the fight today2 September 2013 at 7:23 am #9206
I gave it a go. I had a try. It didnt work for me so i will say goodbye. Goodbye dear diary. I cant stop so there is no point me writing anymore
Luna girl7 September 2013 at 11:56 am #9207icandothisParticipant
Hi Luna girl, I hope this is not the end of your diary. I have read through it, and found it very inspiring. You have a gift for describing your feelings and emotions. I could relate to so much of what you wrote. So many *****, I try to put what is going on in the inside into words, but I can’t do it. In your writing I also felt your determination and intense desire to stop gambling and to change your life. This road to recovery is a long and winding one with many bumps and detours. You accomplished a lot with your gamble free days and should be proud of each and every one of them. Hopefully, you have learned from your slip. Unfortunately, some***** they are part of our recovery journey. We all understand how painful they can be. I hope you can pick yourself up and keep on writing your diary. Keep on fighting this good fight. You won’t fail if you keep trying. We all are here to support you. Hope to hear from you soon.
Ps I love your name Luna girl. I love the moon, so my little doggy’s name is Luna!
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