[nkalei79]

I’ve been reading post after post & it is somewhat comforting to hear that I am not alone because I defintely feel like I am.

I am a 43 year old mother and wife. I live in a state where gambling is illegal so we do not have any casinos here (which is a blessing in disguise for me.) My addiction is to online gambling. It start about a year ago when a friend “introduced” me to a FB gambling group who accepts money via cash app and “loads” it into the game. You play via an app and they cash you out if you win. It wasn’t so bad at first but after I hit 11k & recieved my payout, I was hooked!! I have gambled (even today) my paycheck, money for bills, tax money, loan money from banks and family even. I see some huge amounts and although mine may not be in the 100 thousands, its still big for me. I recently had to confess to my husband and family about my addiction. I’ve put my family in a financial hole, ruined mine and my husband’s credit and owe people money. At this point, I probably owe about 30k in personal debt to people who I lied to and asked for money. Today…I got paid. I SWORE I wouldn’t do it BUT I DID. I haven’t told my husband yet. I didn’t pay the mortage or car payment yet. He thinks I did. He still doesn’t know about the tax return money I gambled away (6k!) I have dug so many holes with my lies about where the money is. He has forgiven me twice (he’s upset & hurt but still forgives me.) He wants to help me but he doesn’t understand what goes on in my head.

I am depressed, disgusted with myself, and appalled that I allowed this to happen. My state doesn’t have much GA groups & I travel for work so attending one is hard. I have been looking online for groups. I’ve recently installed GamBan which blocked EVERYTHING I was addicted to and I am thankful for that. I wish I installed it earlier before I gambled all my paycheck away. I have to stop. I NEED TO STOP. I NEED HELP & SUPPORT. I never thought this could happen to me, ever.

At this moment, this second, I begin my recovery journey. I pray that my husband can find it im his heart to forgive me once again once I tell him what I have done…AGAIN.

I am hoping this forum gives me some solice and peace reading and “talking” to others who actually KNOW what I am going through. I have to change for myself & my family.

[Losingitslowly]

Welcome nkalei. I totally understand where you are coming from and have had the same feelings of disbelief at my own recklessness for quite a while. I , too, am an online casino addict. It all starts the same way. We never start out trying to hurt anyone, including ourselves, but this type of addiction is sinister in nature and will take everything you have, including your family, if you let it. The best thing you could have done is gamban. It is essential that it be on all of your devices though or it will not work. I put it on my laptop but then started playing on my iPad, then hen I put it on that I started playing on my phone. I’ve relapsed on my daughters laptop so, as you can see, in the beginning you will need to put it on anything that you can play on. It’s good that you do not have access to land based casinos as it would be more tempting when you try to stop, but watch when you are travelling that you dont start entertaining ideas of going to those. Its good that you told your family but as you can see, it’s not going to stop the behavior at this point. The brain is tricking you at every turn to play and you need to put as many blocks in place at this point until you are better able to resist the urges. You’ve made a good start, just know that your brain will be trying to resist any more attempts to stop so make sure that you stifle any and all ways to gamble electronically before it starts to figure out ways to bypass your attempts. I’ve been there. Keep posting. Stay strong.

[nkalei79]

I figured this is a good way to express whats been going on with me. What the exactly hell is wrong with me? What is this thing inside of my brain that won’t allow me to stop? There are too many things going on in mt life right now for this addiction to get the best of me. I gave in to the temptation because I came into a few hundred dollars (which I needed badly) & played most of it away. I didn’t install GamBan on my son’s ipad which is what I used to play. I hate myself right now. I’ll have to fess up to my husband and he’ll be even more disappointed once again. He just told me yesterday that he confided in a friend of his about my addiction. He says he loves me and won’t leave me because he wants to help me get through this but if I keep screwing up, how much more can he take. My dad wants me us to move to the mainland (we live in Hawaii.) I can’t do that because we have no money & I shot our credit to hell. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make the temptation and impulse to want to play to stop. I use apps, read forums, blockers, and the urge is still strong. Strong enough that I continue to do it. God help me! I hate what I have become and what I have done to myself & to my family. I have to fly out for work in a day & I know boredom will kick in. I’ll need to drum up some motivation to keep myself busy. God I pray that you hear me. I need strength!!

[charles]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums. By posting to the forums you’re allowing the diverse and caring Gambling Therapy community to help support you through the difficulties you’re facing.

This may well be a tough time for you – particularly if you’re new to recovery, so we encourage you to post here as often as you need to, as well as making use of the online groups and the live advice helpline if you’d like some one-to-one support. We’re all in this together! If you’re a new member, you are warmly invited to join Charles in one of the New Members Practical Advice groups (Mondays at 21:00 UK Time and Thursdays at 19:00 UK Time).

The forum is a great place to share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. By writing it all down you can start to build a record of your progress that you can look back on – particularly useful if you’re ever feeling stuck. Share as much or as little as you like – but you’re encouraged to stick to keeping to just one thread in this forum – so people know where to find you to check in on your progress or to share something with you.

The Gambling Therapy staff team don’t generally post to the forums as it is a peer support area of the site – so we’ll hand you over to the community from here.

Take care,

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS. Please take a moment to review our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works.

[charles]

Hi Nkalei, well done on looking for help.

If you are lo0oking for some online groups then there are some here on a Monday and Thursday evening (UK time). Alternatively there are also live Zoom meetigns at https://gamblersinrecovery.com Those are GA and other support groups.

Speak to your husband. I recommend coming completely clean, tell him about the latest gambling, the tax, any debts etc – if we drip feed the information to family then they dont know when we have finished dropping, will be waiting for the next problem to drop. Better to draw the line and then we can start rebuilding trust etc

Well done on installing gamBan, now get it on other devices. Reading the other stories her you will also see that accountability can help. You work away? ok, so just have the money you need for the trip. Be accountable for what you do spend – with internet banking we can be pretty much intantly accountable.

Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking – those steps will both help you stop gamblign and help rebuild trust etc.

[nkalei79]

@Losingitslowly

Thank you for the advice. I installed it on my son’s ipad last night. I think one way tonhelp me fight the urge is to post on here whenever I get that feeling. It’s crazy how much I think about playing. I need to rewire my brain but it’s gonna be a long time until I can shut that part out instantly. Thank you for the words of encouragement & good luck to you as well!

@charles

I know I have to come clean but I’m afraid. I don’t think he’ll leave me but I’ve disappointed him so mych already and I can’t bare to look at him knowing how much I’ve hurt him. I’m feeling a little optimistic now that I’ve installed the software on my other device. No access really helps! I also took out cash from my bank to take with me on my work trip so I’m not tempted, when I have down time in my hotel room, to send money to play. My daughter is graduating highschool and she lives with her father in the city I’m travelling to so there are a lot of things I can do to keep busy. Even taking my walking shoes to get some exercise in (which is great but it’s more to keep me occupied.) I am thankful for this forum. I need to hear from others who feel the way I do. I even had my husband read the thread for people who have addicted family members. I think it also helps that he reads the threads from addicts so he can get a better understanding of the issue and how the addiction works. Appreciate the words of encouragement as well. I will post again after I’ve come completely clean to him today. I’m sure I’ll need to get some thoughts out after that.

[nkalei79]

Writing for accountability:

It’s been 3 days since I’ve gambled! I’ stoked because although it may not sound like something to celebrate, it’s huge for me. Aside from installing the software blockers on all my devices, I’ve taken my cash (not much) out of the bank and am carrying cash so I’m not tempted to send to gamble. I hate carrying cash BUT it works so for now, this is what I’ll do. I’m travelling for work and working on another island. I used to live here for some 20+ years and my daughter lives with my ex-husband here so I’ve been keeping busy visiting her and friends. She graduates highschool in 2 days and we are throwing her a huge party here so between working 8-9 hours a day, prepping food and decorations for thw party, and sleep…I’ve haven’t had much time to even think about gambling. I also know that I need whatever monies I have or will be receiving this friday after I get paid, to help pay for expenses for the party. I don’t want to be the parent who doesn’t pay for anything so that motivation is front and center right now. Feels good to not gamble. I have this app that tells you, based on your history of time spent playing and hours, how much days you go gamble free and how much money you save by NOT playing. So far it says I’m gamble free 3 days and saved $1400! Hoping I can keep the motivation going and resist the urges so I don’t need to reset the counter. Anyway, one day at time is all.

[nkalei79]

Writing for accountability:

Another day down and no gambling. I should be happy about it but my husband found out about my gambling (5 days ago) & using all the money we had before I came clean to him. Needless to say he was not happy. He even told me that he is losing love for me each time. I don’t blame him at all but of course I am devastated. He is literally the ONLY person in my life who has never judged me and has always stood by me. I honestly don’t know what I would do if he walked away. Which is why I don’t know how I can do this to him. I can’t lose him. He really gave it to me this morning. It was eelxtremely hard to hear because I do feel like there is some judgement but that’s human nature. Of course I don’t expect him to understand. I need to find other venues to get out the energy I spend gambling. Maybe walking, going back to doing my arts and crafts, taking my kids to the park, working some over-time…and I’m sure there are many other things I can do. My husband is going ti handle ALL the money at this point. I’m handing in all debit and ccredit cards and will just be using cash. I have to do what I have to do and that makes me feel good about not being able to give in to the urge. Now to find a therapist so I can get whatever issues I have from growing up and now out in the open to deal with that. Life goes on.

[Losingitslowly]

Nkalei, it is good that you are starting to think about therapy and are realizing that your gambling stems from a need for something else..what were you doing/ thinking about the last time you relapsed? Is it stress related? Are you depressed as well? I’ve recently (two days ago) started to examine my own moods and needs that are not being met and some things that i need to understand and deal with and it is helping a bit knowing that it is not just an addiction, but a response that has gone wrong. I must look at my thoughts that lead me to gamble and in doing so can perhaps interrupt the pattern. The husband thing, while being a good deterrent in the short run, is not as important as you addressing your needs that are not being met that lead you to reckless and detrimental behaviors. Take care of you.

[nkalei79]

6 days GF & it feels good. I am still off island for work and my husband and 3 year ols son came to join me to attend my daughter’s HS graduation. By now, I’d be broke. I know that we cannot be on this trip with no money and having him around def helps deter me from wanting to play. When he leaves to go back home tomorrow, I’m a littlw worried. To say I wasn’t is a lie. BUT, it hit me hard when he said that my gambling was “chipping away his love for me.” I have the man of my dreams & I cannot lose him, especially to this. He made a comment about “sometimes I think it would be easier to deal if you told me you had an affair as opposed to having a gambling issue.” He’s probably right.

We’ve been here for a few days now and seeing all the things my friends have (houses, cars, jewelry, etc) or hearing their plans for trips they’re taking soon…makes me feel bad. If it weren’t for my addiction, we’d be in the same boat.

I’m terrified every day that I will slip but that’s a part of the process (not slipping but being terrified.). I can’t promise anything. I can only pray about it & hope that He hears me & continues to give me the strength to stay strong & GF!!

[nkalei79]

Writing for accountability:

So our graduation packed weekend has come to an end. Just dropped my husband and son off at the airport and I’m back at the hotel room now. Of Today is one week no gambling. I’m proud of myself because this is the longest I’ve gone. I’m lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about it but I’m not going to do it. I’m gonna keep myself busy with work. I’m here for another 4 days and I have to stay strong. We have a huge weekend coming up on June 04 and we need the money so I can’t mess up. Of course that isn’t the only reason…I can’t mess up for my husband and my family. And I won’t. It feels good to have some money and to know that we’ll be building our bank up again. I want us to get back to being financially stable and able to go on trips like we used to. My husband needs a new car and I want to be able to help provide that. Here’s to taking it one day at a time & remembering the reason I have to stay strong. My family. ❤️

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