Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Do I leave? He’s escalating his behaviour.

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  • #6743
    LoveCows
    Participant
    LoveCows
    Hello all. My husband is a gambler we have been married for two years and have a young son together. My husband on and off gambles. Emotional stress tends to trigger him. He was sober for 8 months before our son was born. Then I had to stay in the hospital with him for a week after her was born so my husband went home. And gambled nearly all our savings. Then nothing for 5 months and now he has been going for a while. He took out loans in a secret account as I locked him out of our savings account. He sold our car when I was recently at my parents and he is still gambling the money from that. He know I know, I have confronted him. He says I can stop when I want. He’s just lying to himself. He guilt trips me saying g I invested money without consulting him so he can spend what he likes. Before he would try to hide his gambling now he doesn’t care if I know as its ‘my fault’. According to him. At the moment I feel nothing about the gambling. Before I would break down in tears about it because it meant our future was in jeopardy. Now to me ‘our’ future is gone so I no longer get upset. Me and my son will have financial stability and if that means I have to separate from the man despite it all I still love then that’s the way it has to be. We are currently struggling with bills due to loan payments on minimal amount for food. I have done budgets we can live on what we have but just. If he gets more loans we may have to go to the food bank. This addiction is going to take everything from my husband and he is letting it. I have arranged counselling he would not go. Tried to cut off money he took out loans. There’s no way he will stop this time. Yesterday he spent 500 the day before 1000. I tell him I read his emails and know he shrugs. Our relationship is gone, no trust respect or communication to me means no relationship. What is there left for me to stay? It has begun to affect our son. He is angry and can feel my stress. He was happier when o was with my parents away from his father. So was I…
    #6744
    dunc
    Participant

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

    Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

    Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

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    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

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    #6745
    dunc
    Participant

    Im sorry you disconnected earlier. Can you pop back or email me at duncan@gordonmoody.org.uk from your registered email address regarding your username change

    Take Care

    Dunc

    #6746
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi
    I won’t write a username in case you are wanting to change – it makes it easier for the GT staff to correct your name to whatever you wish it to be.
    Sadly, it seldom makes a difference when a loved one arranges counselling – it is the gambler who should want to seek support and take action because only he can save himself.
    You are right that a gambling addiction will take you all the way down with it, if you allow it. From what you have said, I think it is important that you put your finances and your personal possession in your name only. I take it that the car was in his name?
    ‘He says “I can stop when I want”’ is a common retort from a compulsive gambler; it doesn’t mean that he believes it but is something he will desperately want to believe. A compulsive gambler who loves his addiction will not necessarily realise that his addiction hates him until he has been hurt badly enough.
    This site is anonymous so maybe you could ask your husband to contact our Helpline or gamblers only groups – after all he has nothing to lose if he believes he is in control. The Helpline is one-to-one and the groups are private so he will be safe and nobody will judge him.
    I assume that your parents are aware of your husband’s problem and that they are supporting you. It is so hard when you love a gambler and they do not appear to want to help themselves but only you can answer the question ‘What is there left for me to stay’?
    I do know that your husband can control his addiction but he has to want to do so.
    Please keep posting and maybe join me in a group where we can communicate in real time. I hope it helps to know that you are being heard and that you are not alone.
    Velvet

    #6747
    LoveCows
    Participant

    My husband ran out of money so now he’s acting all sweet and as if nothing is wrong. He is foreign Russian is his first language. He uses it to hide his goings on. I do understand a lot more than he thinks. He is on a gamblers forum in Russian site. To be honest I think they just taught him new ways of being sneaky with money. He took out loans after being on this forum. He is now blaming me for our financial situation. And threatening things like he usually does e.g killing our livestock so he can eat them. We are farmers. And have a small amount of animals e.d chickens, ducks, goats, and I just invested in some stud quality cows to breed and sell from. This was before I knew the extent of his hole digging. They are in my name only. I am trying to build a business and future for our son but he is incapable of planning for the future. I do not currently work, as our son is under one year and I cannot stand the thought of day care. And it’s also very expensive around here.

    #6748
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi LoveCows Your husband blames you because not to do so would suggest that the responsibility lay with him and he is not prepared to accept responsibility yet for his actions. You say that your husband went on a gambler’s forum – was this a forum to support him because he wanted to be gamble-free? Sadly, as with all groups of human beings, it only takes one bad apple to spoil the common good. The forums and Helpline on this site are regulated and I believe that we offer an amazing service if your husband is willing to listen, I would imagine that when he threatens to kill your livestock that you react with anger and that there are many arguments. An active compulsive gambler can cause an argument just to keep the loved-one confused and subdued in the hope that with their confidence shaken they are more likely to overlook the gambling and be afraid to confront the addiction. It is often good to call the bluff of a person threatening you but I appreciate the difficulty in doing this. If it was me, I think I would find one line of retort and then walk away and do something that pleased me to show him that I am stronger than his addiction – which ‘you’ are. I think I would say something like ‘kill just one creature and I will seek legal advice’, then I would turn and make a happy noise as I indulge in a hobby or something pleasant, or leave the room. It would be necessary for you to carry out the threat if he did kill an animal but calling his bluff, in my opinion, would tell him that you are not going to jump to the tune of his addiction in future. Imagine your son being bullied when he is older, how would you tell him to react? What do you want to do Sarah? What you want does matter, the way you described your relationship in your first post is not a good way to live. Do you have a Gam-Anon meeting near to you – I think it would be good for you to have on-the-ground support. Keep posting, you will unravel your thinking and see your way forward. Velvet

    #6749
    LoveCows
    Participant

    I thank you for your support and advice it is much appreciated. We have tried to find support before but the addresses for meeting when we went were empty. No one answered the phone. We live rurally so a support group would be too far to travel. I do ignore his threats now, last time I was sleeping in with the baby. Had a cranky night up with him. And he woke me up and started threatening various things I tried to go back to sleep and he kept at it for a bit then went away. His manipulation s are no longer working on me and he seems to be getting more distant. When he has time off work he’s barely paying attention to me or his son. On his phone, computer ect. I do want to leave, and hope he will seek help with me no longer there. At times I feel my very presence enables him. He may just gamble himself into a hole and then his mother will most likely bail him out and buy him a ticket home to Belarus. We went on holiday there once, and he stole my bank card and gambled our return ticket funds away. I didn’t know because my bank wouldn’t let me into my accounts so look at them. He would put the card back into my wallet before I woke up. I cannot leave immediately. I need to save and find places to move my animals to I looked at the numbers, I seem to be obsessed with budgets and money I will not have enough for a year. A lot can happen in a year. I am thinking about selling some things to make up the money. Childcare makes working a non option as it is far too expensive. So I am stuck. And I think he knows it. I am a bit worried at what will happen when he needs to gamble again. I will not give up the savings, his credit score is OK so he could take out loans…. The repayment would cripple us.

    #6750
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Love Cows
    If the next year is going to be as horrendous as you have described then please ensure that your savings are secure and that there are no hidden loopholes to make you liable. You say the repayments to loans he will take out when he gambles again will cripple ‘us’ – does this mean you feel there is a possibility that you could be legally liable for his gambling debts? If this is what you do mean, then I hope you will find a way to legally ensure that you are not liable. It seems to me, that whatever happens, you need legal advice.
    Are you afraid of your husband? Are your parents aware of your situation?
    It is possible that you unwittingly enable him, it is possible that he will gamble himself into a hole if you leave. It is possible that he could ruin your business. A lot of possibilities that add up to an unsettled and confusing life. I think it might be good for you to keep a journal of his behaviour.
    I am not suggesting that you leave or that you stay, I just want you to safeguard yourself and your son both financially and emotionally.
    Keep posting
    Velvet

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