8 September 2019 at 9:02 pm #6901IlariaParticipant
I’ve been with my CG boyfriend for almost a year and became aware of his problems this summer.
He cannot help himself with poker, both online and at the casino. He maxed out two cards and took a loan from the bank.
For months he would gamble away almost his entire salary, then rely on me to survive until the end of the month.
Once I figured out what was going on, he managed to open up a little and he suggested I handle the account and credit card he gets paid on.
I have, but last week I found out he was still gambling online, and lying to me about it. If I ever gave him more than 50£ he’d spend them at the casino.
Once confronted, he said it’s his money and it’s reasonable to gamble part of it. This coming from someone who is in debt and has often ends up with no money to buy himself food.
I put gambling block on both cards but last night, while at my place (I was sleeping) he attempted to gamble again and even tried to use my card (thankfully failed).
This morning when he left he got his card back from my wallet, and opened up a new credit card with the money he had left (which he needed to buy new clothes as what he wears now is literally falling apart). I tried to confront him by phone and told him I would not lend him money again, and transferred the money I had given him to cover the overdraft on his main card back to my account.
He freaked out and kept on insisting he has never failed to give me my money back and I took the money he had earned from his last salary. Not true.
I offered him to get help together if he decided to try and quit, he’d straight out ignored me, said I was playing dumb refusing to give him ‘his’ money.
I offered to get him food, on the condition that he gives me the money I spend back before the end of the year, he accused me of not trusting him, being a moralist and not helping him.
He ended up blocking my number, he has done this before, then comes back after a week or so.
But this time, I blocked his number too.
There is only so much I can take and it hurts so much to see the person you love refusing help and shutting you down.
I just feel like blocking someone and negating them the possibility to contact is awful, and even though he did that to me, I don’t know whether I should do that, too.
If he changes his mind and decides to get help, I would want him to contact me.
I’m not sure what to do…8 September 2019 at 11:00 pm #6902
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
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The Gambling Therapy Team10 September 2019 at 12:56 pm #6903
I am sorry I have not come back sooner but I have only just returned from my holiday.
I understand you feeling that maybe you should not block your boyfriend but at the same time I believe you have done the best thing to protect yourself.
When your boyfriend opened up a little and asked you to handle the finances, he probably felt it was the right thing to do to help himself ‘at that particular moment’ but as soon as the trigger to gamble reared its ugly head again he forgot all logical and reasonable thought.
One of the tools to help a compulsive gambler is to hold their finances but many CGs (compulsive gamblers) will try anything to get their hands on the money using all manner of threats and manipulation to obtain their goal. Saying it is ‘his’ money; blaming you for being moralistic; accusing you of not trusting him and lying are common expressions.
He can help himself Ilaria, he is the only one who can save himself but first of all he has to accept that he has a problem. There is a lot of help available to him and maybe in the future you will be able to direct him to that support.
As time has passed since your first post, I wonder where you are you now in our thinking – please update.
I hope that you are still reading and will post again. It would be great to ‘meet’ you in an F&F group; there is one tonight 10th September between 10pm and 11pm and another on Thursday at the same time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum, it is anonymous, private and safe.
Velvet11 September 2019 at 12:28 pm #6904IlariaParticipant
Thank you for your reply, velvet.
A couple things have happened, I kept his number blocked but he contacted me the following day via social media.
He stated that I owed him money I had ‘stolen’ from him and that I had half an hour to send it back or he would report me to the police.
I was out so only read the message hours later, he had sent me what was supposedly the ‘recepit’ of the rport he’d made (looked sketchy so I don’t even know if it was legit).
I had to go through both of our bank account to demonstrate that I didn’t owe him a single cent. He tried saying that he had gievn me a large amount of cash and that CCTV at the ATM would prove it.
Of course this had never happened. So it’s true what you said, he’s not thinking logically at all.
When he realised he wasn’t making sense he started accusing me of lying, of using him, of not caring. More delirious stuff.
Then eventually he said he has blocked the apps on his phone and intends to self exclude from casinos. He also said that he had tried going to meeting before but it hadn’t worked. Of course, I have no idea if any of this is true.
Yesterday he said he’s withdrawn the report made against me.
I plan on attending the group meeting tomorrow (Thursday) and I’ve been offered a telephone assessment by Gamcare for next week.
I’m very confused and hope this helps clear up my mind a little bit.
THank you so much for your support!11 September 2019 at 1:14 pm #6905
One of the greatest things about sharing is the realisation that you are not alone.
Your boyfriend making this so-called report to the police is as unlikely as me being a monkey’s uncle! It is not just illogical thinking; it is an actively addicted gambler’s manipulation and doesn’t surprises me in the least.
If it happens again, I don’t think there is any point in going through your bank accounts to prove anything – you have nothing to prove. Always keep in your mind that you are telling the truth and his words should go over your head.
When your boyfriend spouts off with lies it is good to stand back and just listen without trying to argue because arguing only brings you into an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control – once you begin to put your side then his addiction has something to get its teeth into.
Many F&F have successfully used the analogy that the addiction is a beast lying in the corner of the room, watching and listening for any opportunity to leap out and unleash its twisted version of the truth. As long as you keep your cool, the beast will stay quiet but once an argument starts, it will seek to take control of the conversation and all you will hear is the beast speaking. This might sound a little negative but the positive side is that it keeps you out of the eye of the storm and allows you time and energy to look after yourself.
A CG, who lives in control of his addiction told me that when F&F speak in can be like hearing white noise – so as long as you are putting your side, your boyfriend is not hearing what you are saying. His addicted mind will be drastically altering your words to fit his personal perception.
There is a lot of support for your boyfriend so although I paint a gloomy picture, I always have hope that good will come out of evil. I am only here because I know that compulsive gamblers can control their addiction and lead wonderful lives but it takes courage to face the gambling demon and sadly many gamblers resist trying until they lose all hope themselves.
Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous web side for him. They can help a gambler to see the severity of his actions. Although this is obviously not always the case.
I look forward to ‘meeting’ you tomorrow evening
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