[Mrskat]

My husband of 10 years says he finally gets the GA program. He is going to 90 meetings in 90 days and has a committed sponsor.

I do see changes in him, but it is so hard to support him 100% again. Giving him all my love, trust and support. Putting myself after him and his recovery is so hard.

We have two boys (4 yo and 6 yo). They have seen so much, they know too much.

It’s so hard again.

[dunc]

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

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You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our <a

[velvet]

Hi Kat

It would be great to say to you -yes, I believe your husband has got it but sadly, to date, I do not own a crystal ball.

It takes time to know if a recovery is a true one or not. I waited, just like you, for my life to implode when the CG in my life changed his life over 13 years ago, (after 25 years of active gambling). .  His success means that I can say to you that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives played out as a result.

I think the biggest signal for hope, for you, is when your husband’s behaviour changes and only you can know when that is. Is he available when you phone him, is he more attentive to your needs, does he lie about the simplest things? In other words, – what is he doing that is different this time?

Does you husband tell you what happens at his meetings, have you ever attended a GA meeting? I was amazed when I eventually plucked up the courage to go into a GA meeting – I heard so many other people expressing the same concerns, fears, failures, as my CG – I felt less alone. I also attended Gam-Anon which gave me my sanity back and helped me to move on with my life.

Many gamblers do not talk about their meetings or their struggle to control their addiction for fear that they may fail – but your husband telling you how he feels is not as important as the actual changes in his behaviour.

I walked the extra mile a long time ago – I had so many doubts and fears but I watched and I waited – so I know how hard this is. If your husband has turned the corner then it is great if you can support him. He should know how hard it is for you but I doubt that he will – his focus will be on his recovery. In my opinion, trust takes a long to time to rebuild and should not be hurried. There will probably be a few doubts along the way. I remember telling my CG after a very long time that I forgave him – he said that he would never have asked me for forgiveness but for me the time eventually felt right.

When and if doubts arise, I suggest that you ask your husband to talk to his sponsor about ‘your’ concerns – his sponsor should be able to help him realise that occasional doubts are to be expected. I asked my CG to help me to get things right – this worked well for us in that it showed my willingness to learn and more importantly, I think, to listen. Keeping communication open is so important.

Keep posting, I would love to hear how you are doing.

I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes :- You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results – Mahatma Gandhi

I wish you, your children and your husband all the joy that can come when the addiction to gamble is defeated.

Velvet

[Mrskat]

Thanks Velvet. It’s nice to know we aren’t alone when it is so lonely.

I see the changes, only small but they are there.

We had a big fight last week because I habe not been able to forgive him for his last 2 slips. I have seen a psychologist to help me get past it and this angered him greatly.

He feels it is something I should just be able to do…. since i have never had this reaction before (been together 16 years) and he was a CG when we met.

The gambling is only part of the reason why its so had being with a CG. I found it has totally changed his personality and he has actually got mental health issues. Anxiety, hypermamiia, anger management, paranoid ,

I feel that he needs to see a psychologist as well as GA. For him, GA Can help with his addiction but only a psych Can help with mental health.

He has definitely calmer down and i think the chemicals in his brain are evening out after the massive highs of his gambling.

He is 15 days without gambling. And so far has attended a meeting everyday.

[velvet]

Hi Kat
It is hard for a compulsive gambler, who really wants to control his addiction and believes he is at last doing everything right, when he feels that those around him can’t just forgive and forget – but superhuman we are not and I would imagine you have experienced years of pain before this possible recovery.
Some years ago, another member put the following on her thread. I hope it helps.
• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.

It is possible that your husband’s anger towards you is designed to deflect his anger from himself. If he is accepting his addiction and beginning to take responsibility for years of poor behaviour, then guilt may be weighing heavily on him and guilt makes healing harder.
I won’t pretend that any of this is easy Kat – I think in many ways it is worse than actually living with the addiction when it was active!
I’m not sure your husband needs to see a psychologist – controlling the addiction takes time but the things you describe all sound like they are part of his addiction – I can certainly relate to having seen paranoia, anger and anxiety. Perhaps in time, if he wants more support, he might feel he would like to talk to someone other than his sponsor and this would, in my opinion, be the time to find a dedicated addiction counsellor.
15 days is still a drop in the ocean compared to years of addiction – your husband will almost certainly be impatient which is normal with a CG – unfortunately only time and constant awareness of his behaviour will give him the gamble-free life he seems to want. However, gamblers usually feel a void when they seek to control their addiction, which is one of the hardest things they have to contend with and which, if left untreated, can result in a slip or relapse. Maybe you could talk about things that he would like to do with his gamble-free life, what hobbies he would like to take up, what things he would like to do with you what things you would like to do with him, such as going out for a meal or taking the children to a park/ leisure centre/sea-side/wildlife park. If recovery is all about talking about the past it is hard to look forward to the future. The past is what you both make of it, you can use it to hurt yourselves or others, or you can use it to make you strong.

I understand your feelings and your reaction, but your husband’s lack of understanding is common to many CGs. Maybe you could ask him to put his concern about your reactions to his sponsor. His sponsor has probably been gamble-free for some time and should know the problems that family members have. Your husband will probably accept it better from another CG.

It seems that I am telling you to do all the understanding and I am sure you are fed-up being the one who has to do all the understanding. Anger is natural and very understandable but I suggest that you try and avoid fights, which are a waste of breath and energy. The addiction to gamble erodes logic and reason which means your husband will probably be struggling with understanding many of the things that you take for granted. The only coping mechanism he has known for years is probably to demoralise and blame the person closest to him. Walk away if you can and go and do something that you enjoy but maybe tell him that you will talk later when the anger, for both of you, has abated. Keeping the door open to calm communication does more good, for both of you, than all the fights.
Keep posting – while there are changes, even if they are small, there is hope. You are doing well in a difficult situation.
Velvet

[Mrskat]

Hi Velvet.

I wanted to say congratulations to you and your husband and achieving what you have together. Well done.

And Tha k you for sharing your experience a d knowledge. It means a lot to the people you respond to on this forum.

I certainly appreciate it.

[Mrskat]

Today I felt proud of what my recovering CG has achieved in the last 16 days. It’s the first time I have felt anything towards him after his last gamble. Otherwise it’s the usual feelings of resentment, withdrawal, avoidance, not hatred but disliking him.

In the past after a slip, I always feel so numb and then go into this robot state for few days or weeks until I feel back to normal …. just getting on with life after his gambling slip.

This time, I had a small mental crisis after hislast gamble bust and it made me realise I am not handling the gambling slips as well as I used to. So have chosen to handle it differently this time.

I haven’t swept my feelings under the rug. Haven’t put aside my anger to be the support he needs. Instead this time, I let the feelings in. All of them. It hurt me. I felt all these negative feelings that in precious years I would push away and ignore.

It has made my recovery from his gambling harder. But hopefully he can see how much it affects me. Affects me as a mother. Affects his kids.

I don’t hate him. I love him, that’s why I am staying. But I still feel anger, betrayal, towards him.

My plan is to do fun things together as a family of 4 as much as possible. I don’t want to go on dates with him, but want to get over my resentment.

And taking Velvets advice, we need to fill his days with things exciting to fill that void. My CG has spoken of trying to replace the feel good brain chemicals he gets from making a bet with “normal” things in his life.

Can this really be the start of our new life together? I have hope but I also have so much baggage that I don’t know if it’s possible. Please let this be his last gamble, 16 days is a drop in the ocean but just maybe he will keep it up.

I certainly didn’t have this hope 15 days ago and never thought I would again..

[Mrskat]

So he has committed to going to 90 meetings in 90 days.

At first I thought it was impossible. We both have jobs, 2 young kids, there’s no way I can do everything whilst he goes off tina meeting every night.

But we are in the 3 rd week and it has become routine. The kids say goodbye and he goes off to his meeting. They have adjusted. I have adjusted.

At first I felt trapped and alone at home. But have changed my mind set. I realised I’m glad he is not out gambling. And I wouldn’t want to swap places with him.

So Let’s see if we get to 90

[velvet]

Hi Kat
Your words, ‘so I have chosen to handle it differently this time’ could have come from the mouth of any addiction counsellor – when all else fails it is definitely time to try something different – this is also true for gamblers.

All the shouting, pleading, crying, threatening came to nothing, so this time you are looking at your concerns in a different light. You are not saying ‘what did I do wrong’, or ‘you need to stop gambling’, which was a waste of energy because you did nothing wrong and you couldn’t make your husband stop gambling – but you are looking at your own behaviour and realising how it affected you detrimentally.

The anger, betrayal and resentment will gradually diminish, if you allow it; try not to let it be dependent on your husband’s recovery. You are important, your health is important – the healthier and happier you are the easier it is for your husband to face his own demons and the easier it is for you to move forward with your own life.
Your husband is saying many of the right things now – the fact that he wants to replace the feel-good feelings he got. from making a bet. with ‘normal’ things is very encouraging.

I have a concern that he and maybe you, are placing a lot on a 90-day goal. I appreciate that 90 days is an easier thought to cope with than a ‘life-time’ – but 90 days must not be the be-all and end-all. When 90 days has passed and it is felt that a goal has been reached, it is easy for complacency to set it.
I wouldn’t suggest that your husband should be told not think in terms of a 90-day ambition which is possibly an idea from his GA meetings but maybe ‘you’ could start thinking in terms of ‘one day at a time’ because every single gamble-free day is a step towards freedom from his addiction.

I love your planning and I hope to hear how life improves for you.

I write about ‘my CG’ in general terms because it has often been said in this forum that one CG/F&F relationship is worse, or better, than another but this is not so – forum members come from different walks in life but we all live with, or have lived with, the same addiction. For each of us, the more knowledge we gain, the more we learn to cope with ourselves and our loved one. My CG is in fact my son but my support for all family relationships is the same.

I think it is good for all of us who have lived with the addiction to gamble that we understand that we too collect baggage along the way. We can save ourselves, however, we do not need to go to GA ; we do not need to affirm every day that we will not do the thing that we thought was important to our happiness; we do not need to re-evaluate the minutiae of our lives.

We have logic and we have reason Kat; we can survive and survive well. Your baggage can be dumped, you don’t need it, there will be no need to examine it. I never do ‘what if’s or ‘if onlys’, I use the past for reference only, I never dwell there. I would have achieved my recovery, (whether or not my CG achieved his), after I started learning about his addiction and realising that there was nothing I could have done that would have made any difference and that I was allowing myself to be controlled by his addiction. Your recovery is different to your husband’s but in my view it is equally important.

Young children will adapt. Their father is doing everything in his power to live a better life and that takes courage and determination. I look forward to hearing that just for today he is gamble-free.

I might not get the chance to write again before I go on holiday but I will be back in two weeks and keen to see how you are doing. You will be in my thoughts.

Velvet

[Mrskat]

I always end up reading your posts a few times to let it sink in. 

[Mrskat]

Well he is definitely a recovering addict. I can see his old nice personality sometimes peeking through the person he has become. At the moment it is only glimpses of the person he once was – thoughtful, caring, nurturing. I would have to say its 2% of the time I see a person I could stay with and be happily married too. The other 98% of the time he is a person I would avoid being around except we are married.
Living with a person doing the 12 step recovery is very hard. I’m still not first and i learnt today through my own reading of 12 steps is that I will never be 1st. His recovery will always be top priority and I have to be ok with that in my life.

[Mrskat]

I read these steps almost 15 years ago when i first met my CG. they didn’t really make make such back then, even now I feel I don’t understand all of them.

Here is step 1

1. We admitted we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable

Probably the most important. It has take n so many slips, busts, bets, for him to really truly admit this. Hopefully this time he really does believe it. The way he is talking makes me think he does believe he is absolutely powerless about it

[Mrskat]

So he hasn’t gambled in 27 days. He has also been to 27 meetings. Man this is hard. The hardest thing I have ever done.

Most of the time I feel like a single.parent. rushing around trying to get everything done after work and picking up the boys from school.

My CG expects me to be waiting up after his meetings. I’m so exhausted, I just want time to myself. But I can’t yet.

He has said that after 90 days, he will attend 3 or 4 meetings a week. Life was hard before and life was hard during gambling and life will be hard with a non gambler.

I think i need to ***** my blessings. Change my attitude.

It’s hard.

[velvet]

Hi Kat
It is hard to c o u n t your blessings when you live with a compulsive gambler but I am sure that when you look around there are a lot of good things in your life that maybe have been neglected while addiction has been consuming your thoughts.
When he is at his meeting maybe you could arrange some better ‘me’ time for yourself knowing that his problem is not ‘in your face’ for an hour or two. I am sorry that you feel that he ‘expects’ you to wait up for him but I think it is good that he welcomes your presence when he does come home – I know a gambler’s mind buzzes when they have been to meetings whether they talk about what happened or not. It is good if he does want to share with you and in my opinion, if he does, then it is a good time to listen and maybe ask gentle questions based on what he says. It isn’t easy for a gambler to face his demons and realise how bad his behaviour has been.
I think you will feel like a single parent for some time yet. Your husband will not have faced his responsibilities when he was actively gambling but healing does take time – it is gradual and exhausting but ultimately it is a walk back to life.
When I stood where you are now, I remember thinking that it was easy for him; he was being listened to and understood; he was off-loading and feeling better – but I wasn’t. I fully appreciate, therefore. how exhausted you are and how much you would welcome better support for yourself but I can only say that this is the nature of the beast. The addiction is selfish and the fight to take control of the addiction must be selfish too while he is fighting to re-take control of his chaotic mind.
I do not expect you to c o u n t your blessings as you would have done once but I do hope that you will be able to look around and enjoy the good things in your life so that you are healthy and happy and able to cope while your husband hopefully gets on with his recovery. A healthy happy ‘you’ will be better poised to take on whatever the future holds regardless of the outcome of this experience – this can be a learning curve for the one who loves a CG too.
Please keep posting
I wish you and your husband well
Velvet

[Mrskat]

A meeting everyday is now our new normal. The kids have stopped asking where he goes every night and have learnt to accept he leaves or doesn’t come home to go to a meeting. And so have I we’re in our own little routine and at half way of the 90 days / 90 meetings.

[velvet]

Hi Kat
How do ‘you’ feel about the way things are now Kat? How you feel matters in this forum.
Is his general behaviour any better?
In my opinion, the behaviour of a compulsive gambler towards his loved ones and children, is the greatest signal as to how well he is taking control of his addiction. It often takes a long time for a gambler to take control and become the person he would like to be and the person his family want him to be but any improvement in behaviour is a good sign.
As ever
Velvet

[Mrskat]

I can’t give him the praise he wants for his achievements. Its been 55 days since his last gamble. It was so debating and destructive to our relationship.

He wants me to praise him and say “I know you can do this”… ” you are doing so well”…. etc

But all I can think is this is only a drop in the ocean compared.to a lifetime. And I don’t know that he can do it. I feel very selfish for writing this but it’s honestly how I feel.

He certainly hasn’t thanked me for doing everything at home during his 90 meetings in 90 days. Its hard work with 2 young boys, working 4 days a week and recovering myself from surgery.

My feelings are just all over the shop.

The good newsnos he is committed to doing his rehab of 90/90 and I am proud of that but I know it’s not a long term sustainable strategy.

[Mrskat]

We are constantly bickering. I think there are 2 sides to my husband and although he looks the same, he flicks between the two without me knowing who is there.

When I see the nice person, he is good to talk to and helpful in advice. When we bicker, I feel so incompatible and can’t see how we as a couple can make it through.

I don’t know if it is the after affects of chemicals from gambling highs affecting his personality or maybe we just aren’t suited after 16 years together. People do change.

I promised myself to stick it out with him to try to make it work, I’m hoping eventually we do like each other again and feel compatible. I’m hoping we can overcome his illness together, but maybe we can’t. I don’t know who he is turning into once this really hard part of life is hopefully behind him.

K

[Mrskat]

I never never never realised the impact of gambling on his personality.
He is such a different person. My partner has managed to stick to 67 meetings in 67 days.
He is self reflective, working on step 2 with his sponsor and trying very hard to not be selfish.
He is attending psychologist, we are in marriage counselling, I am also seeing a psychologist.
There is a lot of talking going on. He is listening, sharing and trying to change his thinking.
GA program through the steps has made a huge difference to my CG this time.
It sure is a rollercoaster, very hard, testing of our wedding vows, but i am hopeful that we may get through this.
Because my husband has always considered himself a CG since i met him at 18, he actually has “never been sober” because he has always had slips on and off 90 days sober or up to 1year sober.
I believe I have never seen his clear thinking that he is trying to achieve now.
For me, his gambling has always been aboit the lies, money etc I had no idea it actually changes the person and their thinking about life.
What a big 2 weeks this has been for me.

[velvet]

Hi Kat
I have seen the changes that you describe and been amazed at just how much gambling can affect the personality of a human being and how massive the change can be when the gambler emerges from the abyss of addiction.
I believe that the courage and determination to change successfully must be complete with no half measures. I think that whatever process occurs it affects every aspect of their lives.
I have witnessed gamble-free gamblers with a great empathy that is often lacking in people who have not fought an addiction and come through. I have found gamblers who have embraced a gamble-free life to be less judgemental. In short, I have learned to admire compulsive gamblers who have turned their lives around. I am very aware that there is no cure for the addiction to gamble and that a man who has fought to be gamble-free will have to assert daily that ‘just for today’ he will not gamble.
I am hoping to hear soon that your husband is no longer considering 90 days as a goal – his clear thinking should help him to pass that line and move into a gamble-free lifetime. 90 must not be a target because the greatest danger a compulsive gambler faces in recovery is complacency – there must be no ‘I’ve done it I can relax and be less vigilant now’.
I do believe that those who love the compulsive gambler enough to stand by him during his difficult journey into a gamble-free life also have character changes of which they may not be aware. I think it toughens but need not make hard, I believe it makes a less judgemental person – but in my opinion, best of all, it teaches one the ability to say ‘no’ to other people’s problems dragging one down to a point where one is consumed.
I hope you will keep posting, I love following your journal and your husband’s progress.
Velvet

[gvralls]

Hi. I enjoy your posts here, in particular about the changes in personality. I see that with my girlfriend. When she is determined to gamble she will do anything to get away from me and get into a casino. I guess the normal way is she just starts a fight over the most trivial issue then that gives her the right, so-to-speak, to walk out the door.

Also interested to know what you mean about residual chemicals in the brain. Is there some type of evidence if a person has gambled day after day, they get a build up in their brain that remains, for how long? One week, one month?

Another question is: when one attends these meetings, are there success stories held up as role models? Are there significant percentages of CG, who attend GA, and quit forever?

My girlfriend is a raging CG but she says a few things about it.

1. She is only CG because nobody else has ‘lifted her up’ and given her enough money and security to let her feel she doesn’t need casinos to make money. Of course this is absurd because she ALWAYS loses.

2. She has ‘quit before for two years’. Apparently there was a period around 2012-2014 when she totally quit going to casinos. I’m not sure of this but it only lasted two years, after all.

I’m thinking that CG, for the vast majority, is a habit that simply never gets kicked. A type of terminal illness. I could be wrong but discussions with my girlfriend of others she knows, and from what I’ve read, once an addicted gambler: always an addicted gambler.

To that end, I tried to tolerate her gambling by saying she can go to casino if she only goes inside with $60 or $80. With that amount she still feels ok because it is, after all, playing cards. I described that here last year and was told I’m just part of the problem, an enabler.

So what’s happening now is that she has been drawn into a really deep addiction. Much more than before, when she could go several days or a week without gambling. Now she’s running on a different level; living in a state of complete focus on gambling no matter what the consequences. I can’t imagine what it’s like for her. I also can’t imagine her ever quitting.

Well, sorry to inject that into your discussion but your comments brought up some things I’d like to share and ask.

[Mrskat]

He has reached 90 days gamble free.

80 meetings in 90 days.

I could tell it was important for him to prove his commitment to the program in a totally bew different way. It was a tough 90 days, it got easier as the kids adjusted  to dad be leaving every night.

On the tough and lonely nights I told myself I am glad he is at a meeting instead of out gambling. That did improve my mood when I felt down.

80 meetings has saved our marriage. Saved our lives as we know  it. Without this form of intervention, we would have separated.

Something drastic needed to change.

Now the biggest threat is complacency. He still intends to meet with his sponsor once a week and meeting 3 times a week. Hopefully this is enough.

We are also having relationship counselling. And he is having individual counseling with a psychologist every 2 months.

Writing that down sounds like a lot. But it is part of a grand plan that will help in his recovery.

It’s a long process and like you said, can only be managed one day at a time. 

[Mrskat]

For anyone interested, I have tried to read the GA brochures, website and AA big blue book. All available in Australia.
It never ” spoke to me” and I could only relate to a little bit of the information. But hard to digest.

But I have got a lot from Russell BrandBrands book “Recovery”. He talks in a conversational tone. Clearly describes the 12 steps and how it relates to him.

I am only halfway through but has helped me talk to and understand my husband’s addiction.

[Mrskat]

Hello.

My answers to most of your questions is “I don’t really know” … even though I have lived with a CG for 15 years he and his addiction has changed every year. I can only assume all addictions are somewhat similar and somewhat different. 

I cannot help my CG with his addiction. It has to be driven by him. I control our money and babysit our kids so he can attend meetings but everything else is up to him. 

Regarding the chemicals. That’s only my way of interpreting his behaviour. But I imagine what happens inside their brain is like what happens when we do something really exciting but x 1,000,000

So we may go on an exciting rollercoaster and due to the adrenaline and other chemicals, we feel uplifted for a fee minutes or few hours. But eventually that excitement wears off.

I think that’s what happens when a CG gambles. But I have no science research to back this up.

In our case, we tried the rules around gambling but that never worked.

[velvet]

Hi Kat
The Gam-Anon 12 steps are the same as the GA 12 steps apart from the 1st step. I belonged to Gam-Anon for quite a few months before I began to see any relevance in the steps to me and I resented quite a lot of them before the light dawned.
I’m glad that Russell Brand is helping you, I found him hard to relate to which, I think, just goes to show that there isn’t just one way to recovery and it is great when a gambler finds a way that works – and that applies to F&F too.
It is good to try and understand your husband’s addiction but it is equally important to understand how his addiction has affected you. Your recovery is important too Kat, your husband’s addiction will have changed your life and what you make of that experience will affect everything you do for the rest of your life. I think it is important to realise that the experience is one that we can treat as a great education or we can crumble and allow it to defeat us – I know which I prefer and I believe you feel the same.
Your husband’s plan for recovery appears to be working well, so my question to you is this, how do you feel now? How are you coping?
You are right that complacency is a threat but maybe you could ask your husband to help you with this concern – I think that asking a gambler in recovery for help to understand and cope, says that you are standing shoulder to shoulder with him, that you are willing to learn, that you accept he is not the only person who Is working on a brighter future.
I look forward to your posts and I hope that you both continue to grow in recovery together.
Velvet

[Mrskat]

I can’t believe it has been this long since I last posted.

It is very easy to get complacent. For me too as well as the CG.

I love when he tells me how hard it has been for me during this time. It is like he finally sees me, ad it’s not all about him.

That has only happened a handful of times, the rest of it is always about him.

I noticed I have reverted back to old habits of tip toeing around him and watching hihim closely, monitoring what I am saying.

Part of me realised it is because he forgot to get his anxiety medication prescription and went cold turkey for a week. He is back on it, so I assume I should expect some imbalances.

[velvet]

Hi Kat
You have stood by your husband, afraid to dream the impossible dream that he could control his addiction. Slowly it looked like the dream was becoming a reality when your husband forgot to take his medication and suddenly you are back walking on eggshells. I would think that you are right, imbalances were to be expected but I am not surprised that have been concerned when your husband went cold turkey for a week.
What made you revert to the old habits of watching him and tip-toeing around him? Did you see old behaviour? Is he still getting support from his GA group?
What other couples might see as normal ups-and-downs in their relationship, gamblers and those who love them see blips as relapses where old fears spring up like weeds and threaten to choke recovery. In early recoveries it is, sadly, too easy to lose trust.
How good did life get in the last 218 days, did you have good times, did you relax? The handful of times he recognised what he had done to you Kat, are pure gold, they point towards a man who is self-examining himself and seeing the wreckage caused by his behaviour – not an easy thing to do.
Gamblers do struggle with complacency in an early recovery and they do have to pull themselves back on track when it grips them but I don’t think it was complacency that has caused you to feel as you do – I think you had relaxed and it is great that you did. Hopefully your husband will get back on an even keel now and you can find your relaxed self again.
Please speak again soon
As Ever
Velvet

[Author]

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