3 September 2012 at 12:05 am #12151ghostfaceParticipant
I don’t usually post on forums, just read, but I’m hoping a few of you may have some words of encouragement for me.
I’m 21 years old. Even though I don’t like the term, I have a very addictive personality. I have recently finished studying a 3 year degree. I guess my problem started when I was at university. During the first year, I remember me and a couple of friends would put £10 on a bingo website, to receive the promotional bonus and play for longer. It was exciting, didn’t win much, but I found it quite thrilling. However, once it was done, it was done, I could leave it and not feel anxious. During the second year, I found myself a little short of money (creeping further into my £1500 overdraft), and so I decided to play on another website, this time on the slots. I probably spent around £30 and lost it, and i was absolutely gutted (I wish it was £30 now). So I stopped, and didn’t think about it. Then a few months later I went back to the same website, kept putting money in and losing. I put about £150 in (£20 each time) and then I just as I was back down to my last £10, I won around £200, but greed started to creep in, and I had it in my head that really i’d only won £50 because that’s how much I lost. So i thought if i go down to £150 it would be like i never played. Of course this didn’t happen, and I think I got to around £50 and I made a £10 spin, which won me £1000. I was absolutely stunned, and of course extremely happy. I withdrew it right away, and couldn’t believe my luck, i’d never won anything that substantial before. In hindsight, I think winning that £1000 has caused my problem, and inevitabley it has cost me way more. Anyway later that year i went back to the slots, and the problem starting getting bad, gambling hundreds of pounds a night and some nights winning it back, some nights not. I remember feeling so trapped, and winning just added to the problem, made me more greedy, I just wanted to get back to the point when I didn’t gamble, financially stable and no need for extra money. In january of this year, whilst still at university, I had absolutely no money (maxed out £1500 overdraft) just weeks after my student loan, so I took out a bank loan of £1000 (paying back £38 a month), and within that week I gambled away 80% of it. I just felt completely broken. This is when I broke down and told my friends, who helped me financially, and took my mind off it. It felt good that they knew but I was deeply embarrassed. I didn’t gamble for four months, until April, when I was bored one night and decided to put a tenner on and play slots. I won’t bore you with what happened next, but of course, my problem just started again. I have taken out payday loans, borrowed money, lied to my friends and family, taken out a credit card after emptying my bank, and felt so low it’s unbelievable. Just yesterday I won £300, which was enough to pay for my car insurance and tax at the end of the month and still have some left over for next month. But I suddenly had an urge today to reverse the withdrawal and play £10 of it to see if I could get any more. You know what happened next, and now today, I have nothing in my bank account, and about £130 on my credit card to last me 4 weeks. To be honest, this is probably manageable, if I budget my butt off, but the point is this credit card would have been paid off yesterday and I would be ok for money if I didn’t have that one urge.
The title of this thread is “Don’t want to recover from the bottom.”, and the reason for this is that yesterday, when I had won the money, i thought that it would be really easy to stop gambling, because the money would be there. It was greed and addiction that destroyed that. In the position that i’m in now, when I have no money, I can’t think of anything worse than attempting to stop, because I want to chase my losses. But i’ve found that when i’m on a high, I don’t think about stopping, it’s like i’ve already stopped, because I feel happy, and i’m in a good mood around my friends. Now, when I have no money and lost everything, I’m miserable around my friends, google about gambling addiction, and feel like i’m wasting my life. I just can’t do this anymore. If I didn’t start gambling during university, I would not have a loan, or an overdraft, or a credit card hanging over me, I would be well in the black, and it will probably take me years to get there, and that’s what really distresses me. I’m fed up of having no money because of this disease. I just want it to stop..
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