[buffdazza]

After leaving Beckenham at the end of August, I returned home to my family filled with hope and delight. The first few weeks were perfect.

However, as time and reality took hold, i became aware my behaviours hadn’t really changed. I was still submissive and would find myself being dishonest, manipulative and gambling – – the things i had gone into treatment to remove. As more time passed, along with Christmas, i found myself back in full-blown gambling mode. It resulted in a crisis which brought with it, all the pain, anguish and hurt for my family and myself.

The truth behind my story is that i did not put all of myself into my 14 weeks of treatment. The first 6wks i suffered with high anxiety, then came the ‘wearing of masks’ and the last six weeks were filled with anticipation of coming home. Sadly, and now fully regretfully, by not giving 100% of my true self, I am vulnerable, lost and wish i could turn back the clock.

Last Monday saw my suspended prison sentence caused through gambling come to it’s end. I allowed myself money….and gambled. This set off a horrible chain reaction.

When the dust settled, it became obvious to me I should try and go through the treatment program again….and do it properly this time. I would mean, heartbreakingly, leaving my two young daughters and family for another 3 months but, to me, AND THEM, it seemed the only real option.

What i would like to know from anyone who has something to say, is am i right? Is there another way?

I have good support from the outreach team and will start going back to GA. Leaving to go away again is hard but if i continue this way, i will lose them forever. This much is certain. Thank you darren

[charles]

Hi Buffdazza,

Well done on coming back here and being honest. Whatever form of recovery we use, Gordon House, GA, or whatever it’s only as good as the effort we put into it. Will going back to Beckenham and giving it 100% “cure” you? No, it’ll give you tools that wil help you live life without gambling. Like any tools it is then up to us how/if we use them. The same with GA really, if we put barriers in place, work recovery, address character traits etc then it can help us lead a gamble free life. if we sit at the back of the room dont say much and find reasons not to apply the thingsd we here, well it is less likely to do so.

If you think that going back to beckenham is the right thing to do then it IS the right thing to do. This time give it that 100% and use the tools it gives you. Then of course stick with the outreach programme, GA meetings etc to help maintain recovery.

What things have you put in place since you gambled? You said you “allowed yourself money”? Who can hold your money for you? How can you make it so that you can’t “allow yourself money” without being accountable for it? Keep posting and using the support you have here and at GA while you wait to go back to beckenham.

[buffdazza]

Thank you Charles. I wouldn’t go back to Beckenham but Dudley. I have found something called Options via Gamcare, which hopefully Beckenham will do a referral to for me. Good advice, and appreciated

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