9 January 2017 at 2:49 am #5233WhatsnextParticipant
I have been married to a CG for almost 15 years. He has sports gambled for 24 years. We have 2 young children. The past 5 years have been the worst, probably because I started pulling back on the financial reins. We were debt free approximately 13 years ago. The debt started while I was pregnant with our first child. He took approx. 2k out of checking each month and spent it gambling. I talked with one counselor then that told me all men do it and the next counselor I went to said an intervention needed to be done. I tried to rally the troops for the intervention and then it was decided against. Things rocked on for about 6 years while I continued to give in and give my husband the money, because I was the reason we had debt for the first two years of our marriage anyway is what I was always told. So to keep him happy and no fights and arguing I found away for him to have the money. He started taking out loans and finding ways to pay them without me knowing of course along the way.
I got to the point about 6 or so years ago that I told him all debt would have to go in his name for gambling that I wasn’t putting in my name any longer. About 2-3 years ago he finally admitted he had a problem and wanted to stop. He didn’t want to know amounts or anything he just wanted to stop. He wanted to get help, so I went with him to GA and GAMANON meetings for several months, this seemed to help. I was never 100% sure that he would stop because we started going after fottball season and that is typically what he gambles on unless he is down. I now think that it was just his way of manipulating me in to letting him have the large sum of money he needed at the time and then be good until the next season rolled around. The next season he lost approx. 2k or a little more which I thought I could handle since it was much less. He also gave me the excuse that he was qutting because he saw how much time it took away from me and the kids . This year he didn’t gamble the first few games, but then he was back to his same old attitude and same old habits as usual. The routine is about a month before football season is to start he asks for money and typically he says it is from the previous year so it has to be paid. And then typically I know I am going to get hit up right before Christmas because of bowl games. This year I got the story that he wanted me to help him quit and that he couldn’t do it without me story. Don’t get me wrong I believe this, but I can’t be the only one that wants him to stop. I am just at the point that I think he will do and say whatever to manipulate me into giving him the money he needs in order for him to keep on. I have control over the majority of the money. I give him an allowance for food and gas, but feel at this point maybe I should take that away and maybe that will hopefully make him understand. I just don’t know what to do next. I know that I am suppose to focus on me and my kids and make sure that we are taken care of, but somehow, someway he always ropes me back in and I am tired and have had all I can handle.9 January 2017 at 9:33 am #5234DuncKeymaster
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team10 January 2017 at 7:50 pm #5235velvetModerator
I have had internet problems all day but I am hoping to ‘see’ you in the F & F group tonight – you will be very welcome. It starts in 10 mins and goes between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time.
I have wires trailing all around me and I hope all will be well.
If you don’t make it, I will reply to you on the forum asap
Velvet14 January 2017 at 12:30 pm #5236velvetModerator
It seems to me that your husband is in a cycle but because it isn’t on a daily or weekly basis it is harder to spot but you have spotted it and that is why your alarm bells are ringing.
I am not surprised that you have trouble with “the story that he wanted me to help him quit and that he couldn’t do it without me story”. I wouldn’t say you are wrong in believing his intentions are good but your experience tells you that this is just another ruse to get money for gambling and I believe that experience counts for everything with this addiction. The more times the same cycle (however long) repeats itself the more there is cause to trust in your own judgement than what you are hearing. The alarm bells are ringing for a reason.
I cannot tell you what to do which is not me opting out but it is important that you make your own decisions on what you do. Informed decisions are best, however and it is that information that this forum seeks to offer.
Do you believe he gambles with the allowance you give him for gas and food? Does he earn enough to cover these things for himself if he were not gambling? Does he give you receipts for the gas and food – which would be the usually behaviour for many CGs who ask for support in controlling their addiction? In my opinion, if he is earning enough to pay for gas and food himself, it is acceptable to withdraw the top-up.
Speak soon and if possible please access the F&F group on Tuesday.
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