7 December 2012 at 8:05 pm #2073
When you marry the two incomes become one…. and all the money we put together for the obligations we decide to have and for our child if a couple decide to give birth. If we didn’t have the incomes maybe some decisions not be taken So when he should keep his salary to pay his debts, this means that he does not give money for nothing in the house or for the family debts or for our food clothing doctors etc . So it’s only words that pay his own debts. Yes he pays for his own debts and I am paying all the rests. So i can not accept deep inside me that I don’t pay for gamble debts too. It is the same thing. The family needs all the tow incomes.
We decide together how to make the arrangements for the debts and that’s it. .We know for every month what we should pay and we pay it .I have his salary so i give him to pay his debts.
I cannot do anything else. I cannot let him has all his salary and make the arrangements. His salary is on my bank account I give to him the money for his debts and for his petrol and cigarettes. So maybe is only words that a cg pays for his debts. Maybe a single cg. A married cg no.
i always hear that is not your debts are his debts let him pay for them alone.. is an illusion. .And of course remind you that our economies go away because he gambled that money too. So he cannot pay for the debts and for the family and for the economies that gone. It is an illusion that a married cg pay his debts alone. He has a second job and that is not enough also. We need to have a safety for our family if something happens so things are very difficult but with understanding everything will be fixing. He has 2 jobs and he is not afraid to be a servant or to clean houses he does everything but the day has 24 hours he cannot do more and i cannot ask for more . He tries very hard to take the control .Someone told me that when you are married say to yourself that he lost his job and that why you helping now more , but is not true because if someone married loss his job then that’s why we have our economies to support the 2 or 3 months for find new job .Tell me what will happened if i have not a job . Im not afraid the work or the finance problems .me and my cg have the strength at least to try .and my hope is to be after this together and more stronger .
I just write down my though …I was thinking and I wrote it because i had a conversation with someone . maybe it is opposite of others maybe im wrong .
I haven’t introduce myself and sorry for that
I m Ell 36 years old and my husband is a cg for 2years . I know it for 1.5 month and I will be with him with all my hurt in his recovery . So he is with me for my recovery. We can fix a wrong situation if we truly truly want it .
My English not very good I hope my words make sense.
— 17/12/2012 15:31:26: post edited by harry.
— 17/12/2012 4:12:01 µµ: post edited by ell.– 19/12/2012 2:50:43 µµ: post edited by ell.7 January 2013 at 8:06 pm #2074
dear monique and velvet thank yoy for your post . these days were very very difficult for me but i think i will handle it at last , yes velvet one of my fealings is grieving for the relationship that i think i have lost for ever. and is true i lost it for ever . i must find the way for a new relationship with new rules . me life now is my work and my daughter . if somoene see me he will think that i am the happiest person in world because in my job i must do it every day but indeed is a *** . the holidays i was prentending cooking for the family and the parents and soem friends who did nt know my situation and i was pretending everything is good and now it is christmas yioupiiiiiiiiiiii. that was hard for me becouse i dont like to pretend i like to feel ok not pretend that is ok . and when i see him in face i feel that you are the reason that im not happy ..just you and your options … he loves me i think but i can not be***ve anything …no trust . if he say so ok he loves me but inside me is always ????? what if he ***s and in this and in that what if he ***s and you can not see it ???? my economics not good …i try to pay everything on time adn when i feel presure i have the fealing that is your fault that i m here now …i had all the money needed . anyway i know that all will pas i try thank yoy all very much happy new year7 January 2013 at 9:07 pm #2075looby looParticipant
I wish you a more peaceful life during 2013. Christmas is hard for many, as you say ‘living a ****, so much pressure to ‘perform and be happy’, but it is YOUR life and if you are unhappy, it is okay to show it sometimes. Life is not a bed of roses, and anyone who says their life is I believe to be telling fiblets.
Look after you and your family, it will pass, get assistance with sorting the bills, and if you really cannot pay all of them tell the creditors, and usually they can make a payment plan for you – it is better for them to have a little payment often than to have no payments at all. Try not to take all the burden upon yourself (and I know that is a tough ask). Sadly, you will be unable to tell truth from lies from your CG, and trusting what he says will take time, but that has to be when and only when he shows he is in true recovery.
Stay close to us, as we walk with you, we really DO understand you Ell.
Sending hugs to you xxEveryone has a destiny, it's up to us whether we choose to follow it though !Looby Loo8 January 2013 at 12:55 pm #2076moniqueParticipant
I just want to echo all that Looby has written. Also to say Happy New Year and to hope it will get better for you from day to day. But share your sadness and tough ***** and receive support from here and wherever you find it, so that you become stronger and more at peace as the days, weeks and months go by. Every good wish, Monique.8 January 2013 at 7:07 pm #2077
Grieving hurts but passes.
I don’t know if your husband loves you but I do know there is nothing he can do to prove it to you unless you can give him time.
It is the fault of his addiction that you are where you are – an addiction he didn’t want and didn’t ask for.
Trust takes time – a long time but I ‘know’ it can be renewed.
You are doing so well. I hope you can soon be as proud of you, as I am.
V– 08/01/2013 19:08:36: post edited by Velvet.9 January 2013 at 12:28 pm #2078
the topic closed velvet that is i m writing here now . i need to tell you this : im 36 years and my life needed from me to act like a man . my family problems and my work problems needed me to "" be "" like a man ..work 2 and 3 jobs since i was 14 years old untin now . i was child and had 3 heart operations and i did it ….i know i can handle problems like a man i know i can but i dont want it any more . to my husband i found safety and love …he was the man and i was the woman for the first time in my life …i NEEDED velvet this so much ….and i believe it to him that i m safe emotional with him ..and he was really very good to all …and when i found out that is a gambler i feel now that i must take the control again ..keep my eyes open ….try to find soloutions for me my dughter try to help him because he want it …. and that is hard for me again …i know i can handle it but didnt want to happen …i do need my husband give me safety but is ruined ….
— 9/1/2013 12:35:07 µµ: post edited by ell.9 January 2013 at 3:49 pm #2079
I am glad you realised the session ended and I had not closed the door on you.
I do understand what you mean. It is a wonderful image that we have that a woman will be ******* up, loved, cherished and protected by a man but it is difficult for a man to be able to live up to this image – especially if he is, through no fault of his own, the owner of a terrible addiction.
I grew up to be very independent and strong willed. (This is a part of me looking at myself by the way). I had a very definite idea of how life should be lived and that honesty played a big part in that life. I expected in return for the love and trust I gave to be loved and trusted in return. I had not reckoned on an addiction to gamble, turning my world upside down, making me feel a weak-willed victim.
However (and this is where I really dig) it is very difficult for a man to ‘look after’ a woman who is strong willed and independent, who bounces back from sadness and problems and gets on with her life. Not everybody can bounce back and certainly the addiction to gamble is not on elastic, it is not something from which anybody can bounce back.
I think in the world we live in now, it is far more difficult for the man to be the protector.
I don’t hear that all is ruined for you. I do hear that you have had a major set-back but you are strong and you will survive.
Compulsive gamblers are emotionally immature Ell and you have always been strong. You were looking for an emotional maturity that your husband could not give – yet. To fight the addiction to gamble and to succeed in controlling it takes a tremendous maturity and strength. Your husband can gain from this struggle and reach a maturity he did not have before. He will be able to protect you as you want but not yet.
Of course you did not want this to happen – none of us wanted this to happen in our lives. Why is happens is unknown. You have stood up to many challenges before and you will stand up to this one. Please understand that your husband is weaker than you because his addiction controlled him but he can grow and blossom and be the person you want him to be and he will do easier and quicker if you can support him.
I hope this helps but please come back if it doesn’t.
1 February 2013 at 2:11 am #2080i won a new lifeParticipant
Hi Ell, I read your story- I give you my thoughts as u have been openly willing to offer me support. I help u try to understand what your husband has done as a cg. For me it started innocent-looking for entertainment I assume for your husband the same but I can only speculate. After the first deposit and loss u accept and deposit again, after the second loss you don’t accept and want your money back. the only way to get it in a cg mind is to deposit more money, play higher stakes and chase your losses- this can quickly spiral out of control ($10,000 in 3 hours for me I chased to broke) When the demon took control the money didn’t seem real it was after the fact when my balance was at $0 reailty started to set in, I was done. I felt depressed/ashamed/guilty. I am sure your husband feel’s the same. It is not just his Gambeling to make him feel guilty but the loss of trust from you. Time heal’s all, and I hope your relationship/communication with your husband can be rebuilt to what u had before the gambling. Important for you to have control of the finances and make sure he pays his debts with any money u give him. I am divorced but my divorce was nothing to do with money or gambling, money did not matter my family did, but lack of trust and communication in my relationship with my x-wife led to diffrences we could not resolve without separation. You are a strong, caring, compastionate woman, with your strength and your husbands commitment I believe your family can be healed stronger, with more trust ,leaving this experiance as just a mear scare in the past.– 2/1/2013 2:14:53 AM: post edited by I won a new life.2 February 2013 at 12:29 pm #2081twilight16Participant
You are such a sweet person, so full of love and pure goodness. You really have been through a lot with your husband’s gambling and you are still suffering from the aftermath, the debt still ***** to be paid and it is affecting your family’s life. No one can be expected to just accept that lightly and just
move on like it didn’t happen. You have every right to express your feelings to your husband. Your doubts are legitimate and all family and friends have them. It comes with the territory with the lies and manipulation we believed in the past, only to be crushed when confronted with the truth. The hardest part I believe is letting go of trying to make the cg make their recovery work. It really is futile and the best way to get a family healthy from this addiction is to focus on one’s own recovery, it ties in with the family. There are no easy solutions but getting the support you need for your happiness and your children is what matters the most. Just because a person is your family, it doesn’t give them the right to abuse chances given of should they always be excused. This is called abuse and there always should be a line that should not be crossed. You are doing in incredibly well XXXTwilight(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)4 February 2013 at 4:38 pm #2082
***** , Im at work and im running a lot in here …but I will like to say a thank you …
Thank you very much Larry for posting me. Thank you for your help, I need it , and I appreciate it . I will look all that you told me to look. I will keep saying that you are a remarkable man and your post give strength to all (Cg and non Cg) Thank you .
Twilight *****oooooo Nice to meet you too. I learn so much from your posts. We will speak soon. I want just to say that it was very nice to see you on my thread. You are very very very strong girl, you cannot imagine but you are an inspiration .
Berber so nice to meet you. I can totally say that your posts help me too .we will talk soon. And you know the word filakia lol ….im sending you all my love and filakia . Stay strong ! we can do it ..We can fix our lives we own that to our selves first.
Sosad..i like the new shoes lol..Spoke to you soon you are not alone.5 March 2013 at 10:17 pm #2083
Just to let you know you are in my thoughts.
Velvet6 March 2013 at 2:28 pm #2084
velvet thank you for caring, honestly thank you a alot .
I hope i had good news to give you as an upadate but things are a bit difficult now .
Nomore and jilly thank you very much for your replies to me , i read them on the right time but sorry for not answering i feel a liitle bad this 10 days forgive me for that but both your replies helped me alot .
velvet i just learn and other lies , he told me lies and i cought him . no he dont gamble he is free .lies in our life time at the present. We dont talk for 10 days now only a polite behaviour.
i spoke with his therapist on the phone , he can understand me and he said to me that my silence is the most difficult sitouation for my cg to handle with but he thinks that is the right thing for me to do. He thinks that im very strong and wise woman but he belives in my cg . He told me when o storm finish there is a sunchine . I told him that if a sunshine comes i hope i still have the **** to recognise it . I told him to make his best for my cg but i dont know , where i would be when the sunshine will come.
I m at work . im running and i m with my daughter i dont want to care for nothing else . I i m not the type of person who can handles lies and lies and lies .
i understand very well what is addiction and what is addiction bahaviour V I understand the reasons for the mistakes . But i m struggling now ….
it is hard now velvet…….. AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
thank you all very much– 21/5/2013 6:23:22 µµ: post edited by ell.6 March 2013 at 3:08 pm #2085twilight16Participant
Just a quick *****, you are doing incredibly well and whether you will be around when the sunshine comes is neither here or there. We are only human and can take so much, repeated lies and deceit eventually breaks relationships. Enjoy your life Eli! Your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mom.
XXXTwilight– 3/6/2013 3:09:59 PM: post edited by Twilight16.6 March 2013 at 4:45 pm #2086
thank you twilight a lot for caring .wish you the best for you too ….ell6 March 2013 at 5:46 pm #2087
I have a visitor tonight and cannot write properly to you but I will tomorrow. There will be sunshine for you and that is what matters.
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