Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 133 total)
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  • #2118
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Ell
    As always I cannot tell you what to do but within the first two years of my CG controlling his addiction I had a problem and I was afraid.   I believed that things were not right.  
    Eventually I thought I would tell my CG my fear.   I ******* my fear up as best I could because I was afraid of upsetting his recovery but I had to ask for ‘me’ and I tried to explain that to him.  He said he was fine with me asking and that I was completely wrong in my fear.   I knew afterwards that I had hurt his confidence and my fear was proved groundless.  
    Dear Ell – if you ‘know’ 100% that he has taken the money then I think it is best to tell him.   If you have any doubt at all, I think it is best to stay quiet.   You counted the money in front of him – he would know he could not take 50 euro without you knowing. 
    Your husband has tasted life in control of his addiction and he has loved it.   If he has threatened that happiness he will be shaken and frightened and I believe you will know.  
    Be watchful and keep posting.   Don’t test his addiction.   I remember being told in Gamanon that it is unfair to leave money around when a CG is in early recovery – not because they will take it but because it is a temptation.  
    I am concerned for you and I and I am here for you.   I made a mistake thinking the worst Ell but I know it is a very difficult time trying to do the right thing.  
    Speak soon
    ?p?? p??ta sa? st???? a??p? µ??
    V
     

    #2119
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Ell
    As I understand it you still have the ear of your husband’s counsellor.   Maybe it would be good to tell him the situation and let him establish if there is a problem.
    V

    #2120
    ell
    Participant

    vevlet thank you very much … i just saw your post .
    it is a quick post now because i have problem in my work …but soon enough i will post you all the details . yesterday we had a talk and yes it is my word against his yes i believe he took it and yes he is saying to me that he didnt  but he cannot prove it . i discuss with him the new model of trust that i want to have in our marriage because we dont have another option . we can  not have the relationship we had before …i just cannot have the same relationship …that relationship is dead and the trust of that relationship is dead too . We can have a new relationship and a new model of trust . That is good for him and for me . I told him everything and i told him if he can not follow in this i can not do anything . I can not forget i just cant and i told him not to except me to do that im a human . If he want me to forget i told him that he must heat me in the head and have amnisia . I can and im trying to lock all this in a box behind . But it will be there the box and because i dont want to open the box neither him we must together find the model to not allow it . i will write yoo soon enough velvet sorry i have a client now …..

    #2121
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Ell
    You are an amazing woman.   I too would struggle not be***ve the evidence of my own eyes but I agree your husband cannot prove that he did not take the money.  
    If he told you that he had taken the money what would your reaction be?   I suspect that whatever did happen your husband will be shaking in his shoes at the wrath that would come down on him if he said he had ****.   It is, I be***ve, one of the greatest conundrums the non-CG faces – the ***** is worse than the loss of money but the CG cannot comprehend that.   They will *** through fear and maybe it is a justified fear – we are, as you so rightly say, only human and as humans whose trust is shaken, we feel great anger.
    I agree that you will always know what is in the box and I think it is unwise to forget.   It is possible to close the box though, with a struggle and I admire your wisdom in doing so the way you are.
    Find the model Ell – it does exist.   I t does mean, I think, that some***** we have to be silent but if necessary there are ***** we have to roar.   Unfortunately roaring against the addiction to gamble does not make it listen but the non-CG ***** the outlet – this forum is always here for that.  The middle road is of course ‘discussion’, keeping the lines of communication open and the CG aware that you have not forgotten, without constantly reminding them in an obvious way.    Certainly I be***ve that cash should never be left ***** around or easily accessible – rather than seeing it as lack of trust, I see it as fighting the addiction on the loved one’s behalf.
    I have guests for the weekend ‘again’ but I will be back next week to read your thread.  I suspect that he did take the money because in a lapse of complacency he be***ved he was not a CG – he has been saying he found it easy to not gamble – it is not.   Your husband’s counsellor, I think, should be in possession of the knowledge of this loss of money as he too seems to think that all is well – complacency is the devil on the shoulder of the CG and many counsellors do not appreciate the deviousness of the addiction.
    I hope this makes sense.  I came on to see if you had written but I have got a house to clean and tidy before my guests come.  I have been watching the tennis at Wimbledon for nearly 2 weeks and the dust is thick!
    Look after Ell and baby Ell and also Mr Ell.   In my opinion, his addiction is stronger than he realised and you are ahead of him in understanding.
    Velvet 
     

    #2122
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Ell
    It was great to see you yesterday evening.  
    You are doing so well
    V

    #2123
    ell
    Participant

    ***** all my friends,
    I m reading the forum every day, and I see many friends they are struggling and I feel guilty inside me because I couldn’t find the strength to give just  reply to them . But im reading and Im learning many new things from all you every day and you are in my thoughts.
    My update :
    Nothing has changed with the work and the hours I spent there and the debts …I miss every day my baby because I cannot see her.
    My cg he is still going to the counselor and he is free from the first day (11 months now) and he is commitment to free life and to his family. He works a lot and he tries every day for the best.(that is what my eyes see every day) We don’t argue we are polite each other.
    I guess The problem is me. My hb he is waiting for Me. Every day he is there and waiting me to free myself and go a step forwards our relationship.  We are polite velvet but we are frozen. I want to say to him that I love him I want to give him a hug , I feel it every day that but I am frozen I just don’t do it because I think that if I leave myself free again and hurt me again ? If he is not telling the truth, if I cannot understand the truth? What if im blind? And all that questions lock me and making me a frozen woman.  And when I’m frozen-a cold polite woman he is afraid..And sometimes I can understand that he feels a little injustice because he is free and here.
    So he is waiting for me, every day he is looking me and he is afraid to make a move , and when we discuss(sometimes-no time for discussions) he always say that I cannot do anything more im free im telling you the truth and I will wait for you all the time you need to let yourself free again.
    I read Limbo again and again and again ….
    I feel the same like Limbo and I cannot do it in action … Im afraid all the what if but I cannot leave all my life lock inside me .
    How difficult is to find a balance to free your self with your cg and of course to protect yourself the same time.  …………………………………..
    ………..and, today I wrote him on Skype because we are to work
    “How are you my love?” He was smiling, I haven’t said that word months now. I need to say that I love him but I cannot make the move. Im stacked
    It is a little difficult to find the balance …I need to let it just go! He is free what else I want?? I think sometimes I still grieving for my old relationship.
    You are all in my thoughts
    With all my love ell
     

    #2124
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Ell
    I am packing to go away tomorrow for 2 weeks but I had a quick look at the forum and there you were.
    When the danger is coming from another then you have no control over it but if the danger is within you then you can conquer it.  Trust yourself Ell, you are very wise.  
    When we live with the addiction all we want is for the addictive behaviour to cease – nothing else matters, we give no thought to ourselves, we are so ******* up in the  addiction of another. 
    When a true recovery starts for the CG, why does that cause so much turmoil for the person who loves them?   It is the fear to trust again after days, weeks, months and years being spent knotted up like a coiled spring.   The non-CG is afraid to let that spring go, afraid of being out of control again and that fear is perfectly natural.  
    It is my firm belief that you and your husband will find a deeper relationship in time.   The girl who gave me the greatest support when I started my recovery was married to her CG husband, who was 15 years clear of his last bet.     They told me separately of their love for each other.   Both of them said that everyday was better than the day before – it was and is, an incredibly deep, strong and loving relationship. 
    Your husband cannot give you a promise that he will never gamble again but equally none of us know what is round the corner for anybody however much we love them.   When we are first married we do wear rose-tinted glasses but thank goodness we do eventually take them off because perfection is not reality.   Mr V does not have an addiction but I can’t ‘know’ what our tomorrow will be – I can only trust that we will be happy but nobody can give a cast-iron guarantee for any relationship.     
    Today on Skype you called him ‘your love’, you haven’t said it for a long time – ‘I love you’ is just going to take a bit longer.    Perhaps you could tell me how you feel about him and then see how the words look and feel.   If you love him you will tell him when you are ready.
    Don’t rush anything, he is waiting for you because he loves you.   I cannot put a time on how long it will take you because we are all different.  I would imagine it is your mind that is frozen and not your heart which I suspect is warm enough to thaw an ice-berg.  When you are ready your mind will thaw but no amount of worrying will make it happen any faster.
      
    I would be surprised if you were not grieving your old relationship – it was carefree.  I think it is like becoming an adult and realising that childhood days are gone – there is sense of loss but it can be replaced by a sense of purpose, to make things better than they were before because you have a maturity that you did not have before.
    I wish there was a magic wand but unfortunately there is only hard work and perseverance that will bring you what you want.   I have told you before that I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know for positive that good can come out of this evil.
    It is easy to say that you know you must let it go but it is quite another thing to do it.  Yes you are free but you want proof and that only comes with time but you are doing brilliantly.  In time ‘what if’ becomes redundant as does ‘if only’.  
    Just keep going as you are Ell.
    ?e a??p? ?p?? p?t? ????te
    V       
     

    #2125
    berber
    Participant

    Dear Ell,
    Have a good weekend! I feel for you and I hope we can chat live again soon.
    Filakia,
    Koukla 😉

    #2126
    twilight16
    Participant

    Hi Eli,
    Just wanted to say ***** to you. Your stance and love has made it clear to your husband and the addiction what you will tolerate and what you won’t. I am so happy to read that your husband has been doing so well with his recovery as you are. In regards to feeling frozen, I do believe it is normal when you have been through so much. I believe this is a form of being in protective **** and I have experienced this too. I find to get past it, I seperate the addiction from my father and this allows me to show my love for my father when I see him. Having a realtionship with our cg, can be like a balancing act, but with practice we know how to ajust fine. Yet, on the flip side, being frozen when the cg is active in their addiction is really how we seperate from the addiction.
    Thinking of you often….
    Twilight"Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you."

    #2127
    ell
    Participant

    ***** Twilight , it is so nice to see you on my thread . Thank you for your advice.
    “”””””””I seperate the addiction from my father and this allows me to show my love for my father when I see him””””””””
    That is Twilight my most difficult stage now for me. I try to separate them but it is difficult but I try.  I need to find my freedom, I need time but I think I will handle that stage too. It gives me hope that it exists a way to separate them. It gives me hope that you told me because your experience is huge.
    Thank you very much 
    You are in my thoughts
    Berber im thinking you a lot , keep walking you are doing so good….
    With all my love ell

    #2128
    tootall
    Participant

    Hi Ell! I’m new to this site and have read your thread. I’m soo very proud of you for standing up to the addiction and fighting for what you believe in. You are truly amazing. Although the gambling addiction is very powerful, it seems to me that the bond of love and marriage that you and your husband share is no match. Hands down — you are both winners . although the scars are still present, they will fade. Wish you both luck

    #2129
    ell
    Participant

    hello ..
    I miss the old site but life is changing and we can deal with the new site too . Need little time and we use to it.
    My cg is still free- he is still going to his mettings and he is comipment. we work too much but my update is that we came a liitle closer . We are not just polite .
    Velvet i told him that i love him! That was when the ice broke.
    I felt woman again. I felt relieved.
    We are more free now , and we laugh easily .Im not saying that we dont struggle but we struggle and smiling too. I think that is a positive think . He told me that im a very very close person when someone hurt me but he is still here to make me open again .
    He is now almost i year when i learn the truth …and i think that we made some good steps …the next year will be better.

    #2130
    adele
    Participant

    my update

    Permalink Submitted by ell on Fri, 09/27/2013 – 11:57

    hello ..

    I miss the old site but life is changing and we can deal with the new site too . Need little time and we use to it.

    My cg is still free- he is still going to his mettings and he is comipment. we work too much but my update is that we came a liitle closer . We are not just polite .

    Velvet i told him that i love him! That was when the ice broke.

    I felt woman again. I felt relieved.

    We are more free now , and we laugh easily .Im not saying that we dont struggle but we struggle and smiling too. I think that is a positive think . He told me that im a very very close person when someone hurt me but he is still here to make me open again .

    He is now almost i year when i learn the truth …and i think that we made some good steps …the next year will be better.

    #2131
    adele
    Participant

    Dear Ell,

    I know this is something you have been so afraid of not being able to find again with your wonderful husband.

    You both have worked so very hard, and you share such a deep love for one another. So now, finally, you can laugh and love and begin to really enjoy your busy, beautiful life! You have made me smile once again.

    French author Albert Camus said, “There is scarcely any passion without struggle.”

    Adele

    #2132
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Ell

    I wrote you a long post and then I I didn’t post it but I am glad that I did not. You have written again and you have made your leap of faith. You had been afraid to look past the shadow and now you have. We can’t make the shadows disappear but we can look for the light and you have.

    Look at the difference those three little words have made Ell and imagine how much more joy will come as you both say them again and again.

    Forgetfulness, not in the sense of repressed memory but in the sense of deliberately refusing to allow the past to ruin your life, is a perfectly respectable and often efficient way of achieving mental equilibrium.

    I believe that those who love active CGs do not think further than the day they stop gambling, indeed, I was told, by a counsellor when my CG went into recovery that I did not need support anymore. Personally I believe you need immense support in the early days until a balance is reached and that is where you are.

    This support is vastly different to the support an F&F member ***** when living with an active CG , when looking for the light often leads to denial of the addiction – you are 100% aware Ell. Your husband has been living gamble-free and what is more his behaviour has been that of a loving husband and in my opinion he deserves to be loved.

    Will next year be better? Oh I think so and I will look forward to hearing how you both a progressing.

    Let go of the fear of failure. Whenever you feel anxious stop what you are doing and slowly bring your hand to your heart area. Let it rest there gently for two breaths; notice how you begin to feel more confident. You can, of course, always write on our new forum which is having a few problems but is still, at the core, the same caring place to be.

    Fantastic post Ell

    V

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