3 November 2013 at 11:02 pm #2163
“Carried away by our worries, we’re unable to live fully and happily in the present. Deep down we believe we can’t really be happy yet – that we still have a few more boxes to check off before we can really enjoy life”.
You have indeed been a fine teacher and you have taught your husband so much – but how do you let go and enjoy ‘your’ recovery. You have gained so much knowledge of the addiction to gamble and with this has come greater understanding; with greater understanding will come recovery. These are steps to your recovery Ell – they are not the end product.
You have been the most patient member, you have listened to everything that has been said to you and then you have taken than knowledge and you have given it to your husband in a way that he could understand. I think you have given him so much of yourself that you are feeling a little empty. The time has come for you to give yourself the care and attention that you deserve
We talk about CG ‘recovery, but a CG does not recover – they will always be CGs. They have to confront their addiction every day and control it for the rest of their lives. It is your husband’s acceptance of his addiction and his determination never to return to the dark abyss where gambling took him, that can give ‘you’ the ability to let go and live in the present. I know that he doesn’t ‘need’ you to make his gamble-free life possible but I am sure that because you are there it is easier. That is his life though. Your recovery is different and I think that when a couple go on together, having had this addiction in their lives, the one who loves the CG will take longer to ‘recover’ but unlike the CG they can do so.
It is no secret Ell that my CG is my son and as such the physical expression of sexual love plays no part in our relationship. I have taken longer, therefore, to reply to you because of this.
Sensuality between a couple can all too easily be snuffed out by daily routine. You have taken time out before from your busy life and re-found your feelings for each other. Have a meal together where you look into each other’s eyes as opposed to working and chatting side by side, dance together and lose yourselves in music. Learn to trust your own emotions.
Sensual exchanges charged with the history of the addiction to gamble are more difficult and here I know I am without knowledge. What I do know is that joy doesn’t simply happen to us Ell. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.
I cannot give you a time or a date when I could have said ‘today I have recovered’, but I am truly recovered. In my opinion, the first year following any unhappy disturbance in our lives is the most difficult. There were days and nights when I cried even though recovery had started. If I gave in to memory I would cry again but I choose joy and I choose it every day.
Put all guilt behind you, there is nothing to feel guilty about. You know you love your husband and you know he loves you. You have a wonderful opportunity soon to reaffirm your love for each other when you reach you second anniversary.
Dear Ell, I am not sure I am doing your concerns justice but I feel I must send this post because I said I would write to you this weekend and the weekend is drawing to a close.
The next page of your story is, as yet, unwritten, it is a blank page and each moment will be completely new. I cannot tell you what to do but I will keep walking with you as you turn your page. Your husband is enjoying his freedom and he trusts you which is great – now you have to learn to trust yourself.
Please talk to me soon
V5 November 2013 at 10:50 am #2164
Thank you dear velvet for your answer so much,
When you write on my thread I have food for my mind for days. You are always giving me something new to look for.
Things like: inside me yes I feel a little empty or the sensuality yes I feel that is a difficult chapter to me as a couple but not because I don’t want my hb or how can I start to enjoy my recovery?
All that you wrote me yes velvet I agree with you that are things that I have to work inside me ….
But the difficulty is how??? And of course the answer is time “needed”!
It is very helpful for me when you saw me the road and I will try to walk to that road,
What iF am like a turtle??? At the end I know that the turtle will win something.
Thank you velvet so much, your answers means a lot to me !
With all my love
ell14 November 2013 at 6:27 pm #2165
You are a lovely turtle and you will get there in the end – you are further along that path than you realise already.
Even reading between your lines I can see purpose and strength.
Q How do I know that this particular little turtle will get there?
A I look at how far you have come and how you have grown.
Thinking about you
V14 November 2013 at 7:43 pm #2166
you are incredιble velvet . when you pop up on my thread you give me so much strength and you blossom my confidnce to just keep going on the right path .
you are something else my lovely velvet
with all my love
ell the turtle24 November 2013 at 6:48 pm #2167madge456Participant
I read Velvet’s last long post to Ell with interest – as usual – I found things that resonated with me.
Not having thoroughly read all your posts Ell I still feel a connection with you from what Velvet said
“It is your husband’s acceptance of his addiction and his determination never to return to the dark abyss where gambling took him, that can give ‘you’ the ability to let go and live in the present.”
Wow – that is powerful. My cg said something like this to me this morning – I don’t remember the actual wording (i think I was too shocked!) but it was along the lines of “you will be able to trust me when I get to a place where doing what I have done in the past becomes abhorrent to me” to which I replied “like putting your hand in a blender?” and he said, “Yes, like putting my hand in a blender”.
So, this gives me hope – and knowing you have made so much progress gives me hope. So turtle or no turtle, as long as you move forward, it doesn’t matter when you arrive.
Progress, just progress…at your own pace.
M17 December 2013 at 11:48 am #2168
The traces in the sand tell me that you do return to these pages occasionally and so for the next time you do, I want there to be a message at this special time of the year.
I wish you, your husband and your daughter all the joy of Christmas and hope that this year it will be a time of great warmth in your home.
I know that with the amazing strength and purpose you apply to your life you will be working hard, trying to make everything good for everybody else. Please remember yourself and give you the gift of peace.
I will be saying the Serenity prayer out loud at 10.00 hours UK time on Christmas Day and my thoughts will be with you.
I hope to hear from you.
V18 December 2013 at 1:59 pm #2169
Thank you very much for your warm wishes.
Well now it is my second Christmas here in GT site. Sometimes Christmas are difficult.
I couldn’t have made it without you velvet. I read the site almost every day but I don’t know what to write. But I cannot stop reading and learning from you and all of course.
Yesterday I was crying velvet because I went out , I left from my work for some hours and bought presents , clothes , for my daughter (only for her). Ι spent money for my daughter , I own her this year to find present under the Christmas tree. I know that the money could go for a dept easily but I choose to take something for my daughter this year. Of course my hb wants it too.
My hb is still free. Yesterday I had a feedback from the counselor and he told me that my cg now is more mature and he is still free and he wanted to say me(the counselor) “”thank you for your attitude eli “”he told me that my attitude was the key for my cg. I believe that my cg will now know how to protect himself.
Im here with him and we still try to open ourselves. When I try to remember the last christmas I cry immediately . Last christmas was very hard for me .
I think now that I can breathe. I think now that he can breathe too. We are going to sit home under the tree and play with our daughter and help her to open her presents . I think that are her moments now and I want to live with her , these moments . I make a promise to myself that this month is my daughter month and I will live it with joy .
I know that without velvet I couldn’t have made anything . I wish you , from my heart the best wishes to you and your family . Love and health to you and your family .You are so special woman velvet and I hope all your dreams come true.
As for me I still walk like a turtle… my cg is waiting for me to reopen my feelings , I think he is ready but I think that I walk slowly . But I don’t care because now I can breathe , I think that the moment that I will be free (totally free) it will come for me too.
Thank you velvet so much!! You are a special woman and I will be with you at the serenity prayer at Christmas .
With all my heart and love and my best wishes to all my friends here monique-jenny-looby loo-no more-twilight -berber-sosad-adele-madge-san-denise-james -janey-harry i wish you health and strenght and thank you all for helping me.
with al my love
Ell20 December 2013 at 5:59 pm #2170moniqueParticipant
That is a lovely post. I wish you and your little family all good things at this time.
You are in a different place this year. It is not ‘perfect’, but it does not have to be! You may think things move slowly (like the turtle), but the important thing is that you are all moving in the right direction.
I am glad you can breathe – breathing is good, in fact it is also essential.
Monique21 December 2013 at 10:30 am #2171jenny46Participant
The thought of you waddling around like a turtle makes me smile.
Turtles on land walk with a calmness and with purpose, focused on where they are going and why, so you have given a good description of yourself in many ways through comparing yourself to a turtle.
You no longer hide in your shell and my wishes for you are to see you enter the water, no longer weighed down by the heaviness in that shell and take on the same grace as you swim.
There may be a void in your physical relaitionship but the point is that you want to cross it. But like the turtle again you cannot be hurried, it will be in your time.
I have to say though if I ever see you laying eggs in the sand I would be a little worried if not greatly amused !!
Best wishes to you and your family
Jenny x23 December 2013 at 12:08 pm #2172
Monique thank you very much for your so warm wishes .
From my heart I hope this year to bring you peace in your life and your family .
May all your dreams come true .
Thank you for all your support you are giving me …You are a special mother Monique and im learning so much from you.
Jenny im so glad to see you on my thread and see your posts to others too!!
Thank you a lot for your post and your support!! You are right my dear friend im not hiding all the time in my shell, I breathe but sometimes still hiding but I work on this …
Im so glad that I made you smile with the turtle lolololol
Im sending you all my best wishes to you and your family, I admire your wisdom jenny .
With all my love ell
My best wishes from my heart23 December 2013 at 3:04 pm #2173twilight16Participant
You are such a sweet person, thank you for your kind words. I admire your strength, honesty and continual support to many here. You have a candid way of reminding people of their strengths when they may have forgotten.
Ell, the greatest gift you have not only given yourself but your family is your recovery. It is priceless and will continue to guide you in life and whatever comes your way. I believe if you remember this nothing in your life will ever be too hard for you to overcome.
I hope you take a moment and see how far you have come yet in your struggles while keeping the true sweet Ell alive. Have a blessed Christmas with your daughter and husband. I’m so happy that he has been doing so well in his recovery.
Much love to you,
Twilight28 December 2013 at 10:16 pm #2174
You can let the memory of Christmas 2012 go now – from now on your memory can be this Christmas and on this Christmas your lovely little girl had presents under the tree – but more importantly she had her mother and her father there with her, loving her and each other.
Of course I have no crystal ball but I can see in my mind’s eye a little family united in love and I could wish for no better vision.
‘You’ have made your joy possible Ell, you have created the home in which your little girl is safe and happy and your husband is blossoming. I listened to you but you did all the work. Your husband has had to work hard too and I am glad he has had a counsellor who allowed him to mature. It is a fact that when a family support a CG it makes the recovery more likely to succeed and you have done that. You have been frightened but you held fast, you showed bravery when you didn’t feel it and you didn’t give up when you felt crushed. I understand all those things Ell.
I send all good wishes to you, your husband, your little girl, your very special brother, your mum and all the other people I have come to ‘know’ through you. It has been a pleasure.
με αγάπη – όπως πάντα
V30 December 2013 at 4:34 pm #2175
my lovely velvet thank you so much …
well today was a differnet day …..special different day for me!
here in greece we have crises and my mum is a widow and his pention fell at 300 eyros so things are difficult but my brother and i every month take care very good our mum.She is our priority . my mum everyday keeps my brother s boys and she is so tired because we all work until night (for years) and she keeps the boys from 09 morning to 23:00 evening . Too much hours in her age .But today we talked on the phone and i told her that tomorrow night in my home we will have the dinner and she told me no i can not come i m so tired my hair are bla bla bla..i dont have nothing to wear …
and of course it is true she has not bought anything for herself for a long long time …..
so the santa came for my mum today …. my cg took me and we bought her clothes and shoes and we gave her and she was like a small child laughing with joy for her presents and crying becouse we are thinking of her …
my brother gave her what ever she wants for bying the presents for her grand children and she was so happy.
So my day today is for my mum and im so happy for her …
thank you velvet and yes i want this christmas to remember from now on …
i wish you all my best wishes to your family and a happy new year. You are in a special place in my heart velvet , you are a special woman .
I hope here to all my friends that 2014 will pring peace in our hearts and in our families .
wiht all my best wishes for the new year .
ell6 February 2014 at 9:28 pm #2176
I am sure you are still returning here at times and so I am leaving this little note for you to find when you pop in.
Your Christmas story was lovely and described a complete family unit supporting each other through difficult times and part of that family was your CG.
You have been the most wonderful support for your husband and all the happiness you are feeling is deserved. It isn’t possible that every story will have an outcome such as yours because it takes at least two people to make it work. You supported without enablement, you stood your ground and you refused the addiction control of your life. Your CG knew that your determination was not made up of idle words – he could have taken the easy route and allowed his addiction to carry on unabated but he didn’t.
You didn’t stop him gambling but you did make a difference. So when you pop back I want you to know that I still think about you very much – you were brave when you didn’t want to be and I know how hard that is.
You knew the right thing to do; the hard bit was doing it – but you didn’t give in.
με αγάπη για εσάς, το σύζυγό σας και την οικογένειά σας
Velvet10 February 2014 at 4:37 pm #2177
hello my dear velvet ,
i missed you so much .
I saw your post from the day you wrote it , i can not finish a day without visit the site . I think I m not ready yet .
I will send you my update . Im at work and I have really problems and I run .
My cg is ok , he is free with his counselor and he is so so free now .
I will write you all my update ..
With all my love velvet
Ps for velvet :(the signatures for the project fell )
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