11 February 2014 at 9:40 am #2178berberParticipant
Hope YOU are doing at least as OK as your husband. I too visit this website a lot still, and it helps to read the lovely posts.
Filakia and thinking of you!
B.1 March 2014 at 1:50 pm #2179
My update …
Eventually every day is different from yesterday. My mind matures every day from the addiction and I catch myself to reconsider many things. (From the good side) Things that was so important for me on year ago ..Today is not .But I had to pass through all… the chapters and grow up like a baby.
Why im writing this? What happened ?
Is because today I read all my posts from the first day I wrote here. I read my story. I had not read my thread until now.
Why I did that?
I don’t know. I just felt the need.
My cg is gamble free. He has his counselor every week. He is gamble free from the day he said it. His behavior is mature now he is free from many things. He works a lot. He is in the family with me and our baby . He is accountable now . But he had the power to pass over the addiction and stand up .
If you ask me if he was difficult for him ? I will say to you what he said to me :
“””No it is not difficult in my mind to handle not gamble again and im proving to myself every day . I m free until now and I will try to be for my rest of my life. I know what is right and wrong. No it is not difficult to understand a counselor telling me my wrong things with my behavior and just give the solution .I can listen . I did a big mistake with the gamble and i hurt you but I know that this is past for me. The difficult thing for me is not the gamble but to earn your trust again .i m here and always be here . Im not a “nothing” I know what I did now, im sorry , im here with all my energy and with acts that you can see . But im not going to be in my all life from now on answerable from everything wrong …. The day that the debts will finish will come and I want to be together with piece . The hard things in my life is not the gamble for me even you can not believe it The hard thing for me is to earn you trust again . The sock that you gave me and your attitude was the key. But now I need to let my self free.”””
Velvet if you can see it , im very happy and proud inside me(not outside) because he is the man I know now . He is strong now with confidence and of course he has all the knowledge to protect himself . From the first day he believed that he was a “nothing “ and now after all the kilometers he respect him self .
I know that he still is more immature and I know that there a lot of things that he can not realize or understand that I did or still do for a purpose .we are still in progresss…. He now is more accountable and he has his confidence and his acts are right .
As for me .. im a little tired . The But and the if is in a box in my mind. I don’t know if ever will go but I try to keep it in there. And of course im trying to let myself a little free and trust again.
The difficult for me is that I want a good healthy relationship not something in the middle. I think that someday I will be totally free.
With all my love ell4 March 2014 at 4:29 pm #2180
.5 March 2014 at 7:05 pm #2181
I hope we can talk another time about those feelings.
Meanwhile, all good wishes,
Monique7 March 2014 at 2:46 pm #2182
Your feeling of tiredness is totally understandable. You are working long hours; you have a child to care for and on top of all that you are still awakening from a long nightmare and finding your world a little confusing.
I hope it will help you to know that I do know very well other couples who struggled as you have done but who are living without the ‘if’s and ‘buts’ and I had someone tell me the other day that they would trust their CG friend, who is controlling his addiction, above anybody else.
My suggestion would be to make the box in your mind as small as possible so that you can tuck it away into the part of your brain that has dealt with any problems in the past.. One day Ell you will perhaps look for that box and find it is gone or maybe you will never look and you will have to take my word that it will have disappeared.
Don’t be afraid of the feelings you have or why you re-read your thread. You are re-building and probably wanted to check the foundations and I don’t blame you. You believed you had a wonderful relationship and then your dreams were dashed – it is hard to start again, harder than the when you first started your relationship from nothing. You have a history now that was (and is) unwelcome for both of you. Only you can know how much you love your husband and how much you want your marriage to work. I don’t think you should settle for a relationship ‘in the middle’ and I know I keep saying that only time will give you your answers but that is what I believe.
I believe it is normal to resent a little that a CG ‘appears’ to have a confidence and self-assuredness more quickly perhaps than the F&F had thought possible but in spite of this I believe the CGs recovery is far harder. In my opinion that is the way it will happen – F&F hold back longer wanting more reassurance, often more than the CG can give. There are many things probably that you husband will never know or realise that you did and that you are still doing. I believe it is probably true of so many couples Ell that one is emotionally stronger than the other but this does not make a couple unbalanced because there is more to a relationship than emotional equality. Your husband is showing great strength in other ways.
Ell if there is things you want to talk about more deeply please try and pop back into a group. I have an hour now on Thursdays between 210-2200 hours UK time and I have missed you.
V19 March 2014 at 9:13 pm #2183madge456Participant
Just wanted to say i read your thread and hope you have been staying strong for yourself. It is indeed a hard road back, but you have been through so much – now you know the depth of your strength and ability to maintain yourself in the worst circumstances.
I hope your CG continues to maintain his sobriety and that you have been giving yourself all the love and kindness you deserve. I am told things will settle **Im not sure how** but I have faith that they do..
M8 May 2014 at 7:05 pm #2184berberParticipant
My friend! How are you, your daughter and your husband?
I hope good. Your little girl must be growing a lot! My children are well, daughter so sweet and son hitting a new phase: almost two so time to rebel. Please know that I am thinking of you, it would be so nice to chat withyou again sometime. Maybe next week ? Filakia xxx B.17 May 2014 at 8:46 am #2185sjb2014Participant
I need someone to walk with me too… I recently drew the line after 20 years of marriage. My family destroyed by addiction. How has this happened. I gave everything I had. Paid for inpatient therapy 3 times… he left each time. Counseling…Dr spots for his depression..his suicide attempt… I love him still…but let the addiction take my 20 year marriage. I’m always looking for someone to say I did what’s right..did I?17 May 2014 at 1:10 pm #2186
Hello sjb. I clicked on your message and see that it is in the middle of another thread. It would be good to start your own thread so that your posts can be clearly seen and not risk getting ‘lost’ inside someone else’s. Then other members can reply directly to you and I’m sure you will find that very useful.
I am a volunteer member of the Gambling Therapy Team. (I am the mother of a gambler and a qualified therapist.)
I can see you have had a very tough and sad time and have finally ‘drawn the line’, as you put it. No one here would wish to tell you what choices to make – we will try to support you to make the best decisions for YOU and then keep on supporting you as you live with the impact. It is never easy to feel completely sure you have done the right thing, especially as you go through the sense of loss and grief, maybe anger too. But it sounds as if you did everything you could, gave all you had and finally needed to look after yourself. Most of us who love a gambler have had to learn that we cannot save the gambler, but we CAN look after ourselves and do our best to live our own lives well. The gambler must make his choices separately – and no matter how much we love him, he is ultimately responsible for his own life.
I hope you will share more on a new thread of your own. Perhaps come into the ‘live’ support groups too.
Monique17 May 2014 at 1:28 pm #2187
You have written on another thread about your little girl having health problems. So I know that it is your big priority now to sort that out, to care for her and get the right treatment for her. I am sorry that you have this concern right now. But I want to send you my good wishes for yourself and your little family.
Monique17 May 2014 at 3:15 pm #2188
I hope you return to this thread as I cannot be sure that you are hearing from me.
Please start you own thread so that we can offer you the support that you deserve. Click on the Friends and Family forum page and scroll to the bottom, click on ‘New Topic’ , give yourself a thread title in the Subject Box and write your post in the square marked ‘Body’. Click on ‘Save’ at the bottom and your post will appear in the forum where we can walk with you for as long as you want us to do so.
I believe you will find your answer as knowledge comes with judgement free understanding and that is what we offer.
Speak again soon
Velvet5 July 2014 at 12:50 pm #2189
Hello all my friends
Hello velvet ….
I missed you. I read the forums not every day but I know I was up sent from writing …well I know that other friends here are now in difficult paths with the addictions and need help from the site that is so ashamed for me to write when everything goes fine..
Well I suppose that if someone read that my cg is ok free, he is in his family totally , working, accountable , loving with me and his child, he is still going to the counselor someone will think that :
Ok el what else you want ??? Don’t be so hard …he is doing great and he is with you , he is trying so hard with me to manage all the wrongs things the addiction gave us.. (Debts-wrong behaviors)
Well velvet I’m happy for that, I really am …and I love him and I know that he loves me too …
Our last 3month period were running with my daughters health, she has problem with her thyroid and with cholesterol and triglycerides on high levels. She is so small but is hereditary. We are with good doctors and trying pills diets etc.
My work ….well I’m so so tired, I’m in the red. I’m here from 10:00 until 23:00 every day and weekend .nothing change with my work, I’m running and have no other option. But the good thing is that I can see a light from all that work, I can see that the crises here will end. Need patience.
As for me, I feel tired but I don’t ever give up I still try.
The problem is deep deep inside me
But deep inside me I cannot be totally free velvet . When I go to bed and only that time every night I keep wondering what if he gambles again what if he takes money without knowing? And from the other side I m thinking that I don’t want to know if he gambles or takes money I don’t want to know anything. That is why I’m not searching anything. I have all the bank accounts I’m giving him all the money he needs every day I see the receipts in the kitchen without asking for them. But I cannot calculate the receipts or see if he is say lies . I canot do it and I don’t want to do it . we decide together what we must pay or how we split the money . He just doesn’t have the pin for the accounts That is why I have all the if thoughts . Because now I’m not searching him . I don’t know if he will search something in the internet in his work I don’t know anything . We don’t talk about this .He doesn’t deserve when he is doing ok all the time speak for the addiction. Sometimes I look at him and ask him if we are still together in the same path and if he needs something to tell me but his answer is “ im not playing that is over and hope someday all the trauma will leave . Im here and trying my best . He is working so much and the money he brings are double from the 2 jobs and he feels so good because the debts are smaller now and he can dream what would you like to do after the debts finish ? an he is so optimistic … but he is so tired too. I can see it and he can see me how tired I am
Now for the summer we said 15 days to take a break and go to our village for relax . nothing special , a little home bat with sea for the kid . And we were tring to finish the days and august go away , And yesterday we found out that a work came and we must be here all the summer with no no break. and I know that I will look inside me and the find the power to move on . But I need break …3 years in the same program every day is difficult. Anyway I don’t want to be pessimistic
The only thing I want is to be inside me totally free and of course inside me I want to be fair with my cg .
I know that outside im totally fair with my behavior, but I want me secrets thoughts to be free from the addiction and not unfair for him . I can not manage my thaughts. I don’t know if velvet you can understand me maybe im not write so well . In my thoughts I ask myself :”well ell when you will give him the pin and his account ? never? He is not asking you for nothing when you will give him trust .?never? He needs to see that you trust now . I cannot answer the questions deep inside me .
I will write soon
My wish is all of us we try and struggle with the addiction to have power and strength to move on .
With all my love
Ell5 July 2014 at 10:11 pm #2190
It is good to hear from you, Ell. But I am very struck by the sheer hard work you and you husband have been doing for so long and I feel the exhaustion in your post.
Is there any way you can postpone the extra work and give yourselves the break/holiday you seem to need? No one can work all the time at this level. We make better decisions and work better, if we have times away from work and times to relax and do something completely different and restful. I don’t know all the details, but I just want to say, I really hope you can get a break, because I think you are both so tired now.
When someone has an addiction, life is never what it was before the addiction took hold. It can be better, but it is not the same. Your mind cannot be the same, your trust cannot be the same. I wonder if you are pushing yourself too hard? Are you trying to be perfect on the inside and the outside? If you are supporting your husband and discussing financial decisions with him and living in peace together, you have made tremendous progress. I wonder if it is possible just to be more tolerant of your own ‘inner doubts’ – just acknowledge they are there, that they are natural because of where you have been and they may change one day, but don’t try to force it. Also, it is good to be always a bit vigilant, when there has been active addiction in your family.
Maybe you long to be able to let your husband take the financial leadership; it might feel good if you could let go of it a bit – but perhaps this is not the right thing for your family and, if possible, it is better not to expect it. Maybe try to dwell on what you DO have and your achievements, rather than what is not possible for you.
I know it is difficult; you have had – and still have – such a big struggle, but sometimes acceptance is the key to feeling more content.
I hope this makes sense to you and does not sound critical. I really feel for you in your struggles, inside and outside and I want you to have a holiday and more time to relax. But I also want you to be at peace, even when things do not seem complete.
Thinking of you.
Monique6 July 2014 at 10:51 pm #2191
First of all I am glad to read that you have good doctors working for you, your wee daughter does not deserve such problems, I wish her well.
Please don’t ever apologise for coming into the forum and saying that your husband is doing well. I do understand your feeling that maybe it is hard for those who are still living in the middle of an active addiction but I believe that it is important for those who struggle to hear that success is possible.
I really do understand what you are saying – our worries always seem to be worse when we lay our heads down at night but I would be more concerned if you had written that you were searching for evidence of wrong doing.
I think it is excellent that you both decide what you will pay and how you will split money – giving him the pin number is superfluous with such a terrific attitude – this, in my opinion, is two people really working a healthy recovery.
I believe that there are many things in life that make us feel less free inside and maybe I am wrong but I think these are ‘our’ experiences and these and the way we cope, are what make us who we are – and you are coping terrifically.
Dear Ell – when you lay down to sleep, think of a happy things that have enriched your life and try not to dwell on the bad, sad time of the addiction.
It has been lovely to see you post again and I love the way you write your feelings down – you make so much sense. I look for you every Tuesday and I sometimes have someone else in the group hoping you will appear – I know you will know who.
I hope you post again soon but until then.
Velvet10 July 2014 at 11:34 am #2192
im at work as usually but i want to thank you so much for your replies ..
both of you you are so right ….
with all my love ell
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