[cujoseph]

My name is Joe. I think my story starts like anyone else’s. I remember first gambling on card games. When I was 20 I might bet 5 dollars on a game of cards. I remember at this age being aware of the slot machines but really having no interest. I remember one day my friend was playing for a few hours while the rest of the guys played pool. When he surfaced from the vlt room he told us he lost 200 dollars. I remember thinking wow what a moron. I mean can you imagine, 200 dollars. I think we all had this moment where we think " that’ll never be me". It wasn’t until I was 27 that I threw in my first 20 dollar bill into the machine. As it turned out I won 200 dollars on one spin ( go figure ) It’s safe to say that was the beginning of my horrible nightmare. It wasn’t long after that that I was throwing in 200 dollars on a regular basis. I remember throwing in 500 dollars one time and on my last 20 I hit a bonus for 480. I was lucky to win my money back. I was so grateful I cashed out and left. I remember thinking to myself " holy, you almost lost 500 dollars" this was heavy. It wasn’t long after I threw in another 500. I didn’t win that back. By the time I was 28 I was a regular at the establishments that had machines. I would go every payday. Throwing in 500 became fairly routine. Of course when you dump 500 into a machine every payday your finances start to go in turmoil. It was at this point that I started going to payday loan places to borrow back the money I was losing. This was bad enough when you re losing money on the interest but I remember one time I was broke from gambling, no food, no morning coffee money, so I borrowed 500 from a loan place. That same night I went to the pool hall and threw every last cent in the machine. This was a new low. Just a numbing feeling of disbelief and helplessness. One new low led to another. I threw in 800 dollars one night. By now I couldn’t keep up with the payday places I was paying 1200 a month in fees.  I borrowed 1300 from a finance place. I thought if I pay the 800 I owe the payday place at least it’ll give me some much needed relief on payday. But hey, I had 1300 dollars. This called for a quick stop at the saloon. This would be different right……. I didn’t need to win, I had lots of money. I sat down at one machine and 2 hours later I was broke. This was a new level. This was just stupid. How could I do this. Why didn’t I go buy a case of beer and go home and relax? Now I was screwed. It’s funny when you lose money you rewind back in your head to before you throw that first 20 of the day in and you think of all the different things you could of done. It’s really heart breaking. You wouldn’t go spend 1300 on bills and leave yourself broke for the week with no food, but you say to yourself it would of been a hell of a better idea then what I chose to do. My problem at this point was ( and I’m sure there’s stages of being a gambler, I never really looked into my problem) winning wasn’t enough. I could walk into a bar, throw in 20 and win 200. By the time I left I was down 2, 3 hundred. I remember one night on a Thursday I won 300 dollars. I was so unbelievably happy. I went home and bought some beer and subway, life was good. I had the next day off and 275 dollars to do as I please. Well, you know where this is going. Lunchtime I found myself sitting in front of a machine. I swear it ate the 300 dollars in a matter of minutes. Now the problem I have with gambling is I don’t except defeat. It sounds retarded but I get so mad that Ill throw in every last cent to my name just cause I’m so frustrated that it won’t reward me. Over the next few years I was on again off again with playing. I had my share of times where I threw in anywhere from 500 to 1000. It would be enough to walk away for two months, but rest assured, I’d be back again. So when I was 27 it was 2007 to give you a timeline. By 2009 I would estimate losing 15 000. So I have lots of more stories about throwing in hundreds of dollars, but I think you get the idea. I was hooked. I had no problem blowing paychecks steadily. This went on for 5 years. I probally lost 25 000. Maybe more. Fast forward to Christmas 2012. I started playing online poker. I love poker and consider myself to be a decent player. I’ve never had problems winning money in real life, but oh boy was online poker different. I threw in 1500 dollars in 3 days. How could I never win????? How was I catching these bad beats over and over again? I thought these sites must be rigged. A lot of people think they are. But does it matter? Since Christmas I slowed down some what on how much money I waste on online poker. But rest assured I was still wasting it at a steady pace. 100 dollars a week easy. A 100 dollars I don’t have to waste on these sites. I guess it was only a matter of time before I discovered online slots. I just started playing a week ago and I threw in almost a 100 dollars in a week. It’s so bad that I believe I hit a new low. That’s the reason I’m here writing this now. I was playing last night when I hit a line for 999 dollars. Oh my god!!!! A thousand dollars!!!! Well, sigh, I hit that spin button until my balance said zero dollars. I’m just sickened. It’s my 34th birthday today and I’m a walking zombie. I don’t have two pennies to rub together. I’ve read a lot of posts where people say they think of committing suicide. It’s very real. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Like I said it’s my birthday today and I couldn’t care less. I’m consumed with the thought of letting a thousand dollars slip away. The worst is I know it’s just another tick in the box of insanely stupid moves on my part. Like payday will roll around again and all will be forgotton. Gambling has ruined my life. I’m 34 with no car, no house and in debt. Paying off loans for the next couple of years.  I’m glad to get this off my chest. I really hope to find help on this site and turn things around 🙂

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