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  • #1972
    denisep
    Participant

    Hello everyone I am new to the site, but have been married to a CG for 14 years so I understand the depths they will go to feed their addiction. From the outside looking in my husband is intelligent, kind, generous person and a great father but unfortunately he has a huge problem which he will just not accept. I suspected he had a problem with gambling shortly after we married in 2001 but could never prove it. The reality of how bad it was did not surface fully until July 2006 and the reality was a whopping £130,000 debt!! I was devastated, I felt betrayed, hurt and stupid and couldn’t believe the person who said they loved me could have done this to me and our two young boys. I told him it was over unless he went to Gamblers Anon and that we attended marriage guidance. He resisted initially but knew I meant it, after 6 months of going reluctantly to GA he suddenly said he didnt need to go anymore he was fine. I was not happy and argued that he still needed to go but he refused. Over the last 7 years he has relapsed maybe 3 or 4 times that I know of, for all I know he could have been gambling every day since 2006. The last episode that came to light was in January 2013 when I found out that our £10,000 savings had gone, he has tried to tell me he has invested it but has no paperwork or evidence to prove it to me and when I said I didn’t beleive him I was told “Well thats up to you”. I am also aware he borrowed £5,000 from his Mum in February (after I told her not to lend it to him) his sole bank account which he secretly uses is in debit and he has been using payday loan Companies. There are many more things that have come to light since Jan and he will not explain or speak about it just tells me I am jumping to conclusions and then wont talk to me. I have finally reached the end of what I can tolerate, I have been on anti-depressents since 2006 and suffer with depression as a result of my husbands CG and the continued lies and deceit. I wrote a heartfelt letter to my husband two weeks ago saying how this ongoing situation had made me lose my self confidence, self respect and self worth and I couldn’t continue with the lies and deceit and I wanted a divorce….there was a part of me that wanted him to say to me I’d got it wrong and he was going to produce all the evidence and I would apologise. I know that was just wishful thinking, he has not mentioned the letter, our relationship or anything other than stuff to do with the boys since.
    I am off to see a solicitor tomorrow morning to initiate divorce proceedings and I feel heartbroken and just plain broken!

    #1973
    looby loo
    Participant

    Hi Denise
    Just wanted you to know that I have read and you are no longer alone. I can empathise with all you write, but I am not a partner/wife I am the mum of a 27 year old who has been gambling for 10 years now ………………… I am sure the good people here will soon hop on and help you out with support, but I know how hard it is to write that first post and I wanted you to know someone was listening.
    All I will say is you will not be judged here, you are understood and heard. Don’t make any decisions you are unable to carry through with, if you say it do it, if you cant carry through the addiction will recognise the weakness.
    xEveryone has a destiny, it's up to us whether we choose to follow it though !Looby Loo

    #1974
    denisep
    Participant

    Thank you… it’s nice to know other people here understand my plight and desperation. You’re right about following through that is where I have gone wrong over the years because as much as I felt I shouldn’t stay with him, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell the boys that their mum and dad were splitting up and he saw that weakness and banked on everything being swept under the carpet each time I found out because I was just not well enough or strong enough to deal with the marriage break-up. I have barely slept for the last two weeks and yet he continues to let me suffer with just silence, no sorry, no admission, no explanation just silence.
    I feel physically sick just thinking about talking to my 10 and 7 year old and have no idea what I am going to say. I am scared out of my mind thinking about what the future holds being a single parent. I will have to move, go back to work and start all over again but I pray more than anything I will regain my self-respect and peace of mind for the first time in a very long time.

    #1975
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Dear Denise
    It is high time that you were put back together again.   Just as the only person who could change your husband is your husband, so the only person who can give you back your self-esteem and confidence is you – and you will.
    Heartfelt letters to active CGs I’m afraid have little or no impact. Due to your husband’s addiction his self-confidence and self-esteem will be nil and so he will not read the words as you have written them. His addiction ensures he lives with failure and disappointment, he feel worthless so why would you love him. 
    I cannot tell you what to do, I cannot judge – I know that there are many different outcomes for those who live with this addiction and separation and divorce are far from unknown and often the only way forward.  
    It is likely that there was fairly continuous gambling after your husband stopped going to GA – the addiction has nothing to do with money but everything to do with the mind of the CG.   If your husband’s addiction was filling his mind there would have been no room for honesty and truth.
    His mother’s enablement in February will have fed his addiction and the chances are she will never see that money again but that is her problem, not yours. You warned her and you could no more.   Her denial of her son’s addiction would only have hurt her son and that is a sad indictment indeed. 
    I have no problem understanding that from the outside everything looks great because secrecy is important to the addiction and it is divisive in families. I hope you find support in your friends and family – you deserve it.   I think it is best to tell people that your husband is a CG because there is no shame in it – he neither asked for, nor wanted the addiction.   Most of us agree that only those who have lived with the addiction understand what it is like to live with it and so I believe it is best to make a statement about it and not ask for opinions which are seldom helpful.
    I am sorry I was not the first person to see your post because I have to be the one to tell you that Gambling Therapy is not funded to support in the UK.   You will have found your post difficult to write I know but I am re-directing you and not rejecting you.   Please copy and paste your post in gamcare.co.uk who will support you as we cannot.  
    I lived with the addiction to gamble for 25 years but now I am fully recovered so I hope that will give you hope. I have taken the experience and used it to help me in my life rather than allowing it to keep me as the pathetic victim I had become.  
    You can rebuild your life, you can give your sons a parent they can trust and lean on.   You can be the person you want to be. If it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be writing to you now.
    I wish you a wonderful life Denise. The greatest revenge you can have on the addiction to gamble is for you to be happy. 
    Please use gamcare – they are there for you and for all those in the UK.  In the UK we are funded only for friends and family of CGs and CGs who have been through the Gordon House rehab programme.
    I hope it helps you to know you are not alone. I hope it helps to know that those of us who come out of the shadow of the addiction to gamble live healthy happy lives. Self-respect and peace are within ‘your’ grasp – you are retaking control of your life. Well done.
    I wish you well
    Velvet  
     

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